An emotional family is a dynamic where emotions, both positive and negative, shape interactions, decisions, and overall family culture. These emotions can be a source of strength, bringing family members closer together through shared joys and sorrows. Recognizing emotional patterns is crucial for building trust and honesty in relationships. A healthy family dynamic is one where all members feel loved, safe, and supported by each other, and where they can feel comfortable with each other and their individual identity.
A family is made up of people who may be related through common genealogy and share an emotional bond and similar values. Family relationships extend beyond biological connections to include emotional ties, kinship bonds, and a sense of belonging. Triangles formed within families contribute to repetitive patterns by shaping how individuals relate to each other emotionally, leading to increased cohesion or increased distance among family members.
Creating bonding rituals with family members can help strengthen family relationships, emotional health, and family resiliency. Enhancing connection through communication and openness can help families stay together during stressful times. Emotional support, such as sharing happy moments together, and physical contact can help keep family members connected.
Your family influences your behavior and health in a tremendous way. When emotionally connected, family members feel a sense of belonging and support, and are more likely to turn to each other in times of need. Healthy communication is crucial for every family member’s mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Sharing positive emotional feelings and being nice to each other are just a couple of ways families show appreciation and affection.
| Article | Description | Site |
|---|---|---|
| How Emotional Connections Shape Healthy Family … | When they are emotionally connected, family members feel a sense of belonging and support. They are more likely to turn to each other in times … | medium.com |
| Tips to Improve Family Relationships | If you want your family members to know and accept each other lovingly, you have to begin with your own emotional honesty and openness. | helpguide.org |
| How your family relationships influence you | Top Doctors | Your family influences your behaviour and health in a tremendous way. We learn so much about how we interact with the world and ourselves. | topdoctors.co.uk |
📹 How to Be Less Emotionally Reactive: Black and White Thinking
Do you want to learn How to Process Emotions and improve your Mental Health? Sign up for a Therapy in a Nutshell Membership, …
How Do You Relate To Someone Emotionally?
Building emotional connections in relationships involves several essential practices. First, engage in active listening; truly focus on what others say rather than just waiting for your turn to respond. Open communication is crucial, along with exercising empathy and embracing vulnerability. Prioritizing quality time, showing appreciation, and seeking as well as offering constructive feedback also play vital roles. Emotional intimacy stems from feeling deeply seen and understood, requiring trust and finely-tuned communication skills.
Relating to others involves genuine interest and acceptance, necessitating an understanding of each other’s emotions. Identify your triggers and communicate your feelings, ensuring you manage your emotional health without internalizing others' issues. Developing empathy is essential for harmonious relationships; learn to validate feelings, which aids in conflict resolution and deepening bonds.
Activate emotional receptiveness by sharing stories, asking questions, and engaging in new activities together. Non-verbal cues like smiling and nodding encourage connection. Lastly, apply practical strategies, such as understanding love languages and viewing challenges as growth opportunities, to enhance your connections, fostering trust and intimacy. Building emotional connections is complex but rewarding and essential for thriving relationships.
What Is The Emotional Closeness A Person Feels To Other Family Members?
Family cohesion is the emotional bonding family members share, defined as the emotional closeness one feels towards others in the family (Olson, Russell, and Sprenkle, 1982). This concept highlights the importance of close, supportive relationships that contribute positively to psychological health. Those high in familism prioritize these bonds, recognizing that emotional attachments sustain meaningful relationships over time. Emotional intimacy involves deep connections of understanding and vulnerability among partners.
When discussing family dynamics, unclear personal boundaries can lead to emotional experiences that affect cohesion. Feelings of connection also extend beyond family, impacting attitudes towards social behaviors.
People often experience mixed emotions, such as gratitude for parental efforts while also feeling hurt by past experiences. The importance of communication is critical for fostering emotional security, leading to openness among family members. Despite the challenges of alienation and jealousy within families, emotional closeness encompasses security, trust, and caring. Ultimately, family cohesion is crucial for the well-being of its members and signifies the complex interplay of emotional ties within familial relationships.
What Is Emotional Support For A Family Member?
Emotional support involves listening without judgment and responding with empathy, affirming understanding rather than attempting to solve problems. This intentional verbal and nonverbal support conveys care, acceptance, and encouragement, which makes individuals feel valued (Burleson, 2003). Family members, friends, and close colleagues can play essential roles in providing this support, particularly during times of emotional distress. It encompasses actions such as offering reassurance, initiating meaningful conversations, or providing a comforting hug, especially for those experiencing mental health challenges like depression.
Recognizing symptoms and knowing how to help loved ones during difficult times is crucial. Family provides a vital support system that nurtures belonging, fosters personal growth, and enhances emotional well-being. In caring for elderly family members, emotional support combined with practical assistance can create a nurturing environment. Additionally, parents seeking peer support often feel more confident in their caregiving roles. Emotional honesty and openness within families enhance acceptance and love, which is fundamental for healthy relationships.
Effective emotional support reinforces self-worth by validating feelings and ensuring loved ones feel understood. Encouraging connections to professional help, when necessary, further strengthens the support network for those in need.
How Do Family Members Resemble Each Other?
Family resemblance encompasses both physical and psychological similarities shared among close relatives, particularly between parents and their children, as well as siblings. Factors influencing these similarities include genetic inheritance, environmental conditions such as temperature, nutrition, and exposure to various substances, as well as the varying time family members spend in shared environments. Children inherit about 50% of their DNA from each parent, resulting in noticeable resemblances among siblings.
However, environmental factors can also create differences in traits and appearances despite similar genetic backgrounds. The randomness of gene combination in offspring can lead to varying looks even among siblings, who may share no genes in some cases. Moreover, family members tend to share specific physical features, like facial shapes or finger lengths, highlighting their common genetic pool. Ultimately, while family members often resemble one another due to shared genetics, they can differ significantly in appearances and traits due to the complex interplay between inherited genes and environmental influences. Whether through striking resemblances or subtle differences, these patterns of familial likeness reflect the unique genetic contributions from parents combined with their individual life experiences.
How Can Family Members Support Each Other Emotionally?
Brent Blaisdell, PsyD, emphasizes the importance of verbal expressions of gratitude among family members to strengthen relationships. Activities like shared meals and supporting each other's hobbies enhance family bonding, which serves as a protective factor against stress while fostering happiness, security, and belonging. Open conversations during shared experiences teach emotional navigation, conflict resolution, and resilience. Emotional support requires ongoing commitment from everyone involved, necessitating open communication, active listening, and safe spaces for expression.
These dynamics build a solid support system, which can include both immediate and extended family. Trust and honesty are essential for enduring relationships, as healthy families typically exhibit emotional understanding and practical support, positively impacting mental health. Establishing bonding rituals further solidifies these connections. Encouraging open dialogue allows family members to share concerns and experiences freely, which is vital for emotional stability.
Generosity in expressing love and offering attentive listening, without necessarily providing solutions, can significantly aid family members. Therefore, cultivating appreciation and celebrating each other's achievements are practical strategies to enhance family well-being, ensuring that everyone feels valued and supported. Ultimately, communication not only conveys messages but also reinforces the very fabric of familial relationships.
How Does Family Affect You Emotionally?
Le soutien social provenant de nos proches peut renforcer notre estime de soi. Un environnement encourageant et sécurisant favorise également la compassion envers soi-même et les autres. Bien que la recherche ait principalement porté sur l'expression des émotions parentales, l'expression émotionnelle de chaque membre de la famille influence le climat émotionnel global. Les relations familiales, qu'il s'agisse de couples, de relations intergénérationnelles ou de liens fraternels, sont essentielles pour le bien-être.
Les interactions familiales positives peuvent encourager la croissance personnelle, tandis que les défis familiaux peuvent avoir un impact négatif. Il est crucial d reconnaître et d'accepter notre système familial d'origine, car il influence notre santé mentale. Un environnement familial soutenant et nourrissant favorise le bien-être émotionnel, alors qu'une famille dysfonctionnelle peut provoquer des blessures émotionnelles durables. Les familles transmises des comportements et des émotions, affectant la capacité à établir des relations saines.
En revanche, les familles qui communiquent bien et offrent amour et encouragement exercent une influence positive sur la santé mentale des enfants, contribuant à une vie plus saine et moins de problèmes de santé mentale.
How Your Family Relationships Influence You?
Physical health is significantly influenced by family dynamics, as strong relationships within families tend to promote healthier habits and behaviors throughout life. Studies indicate that positive family ties can lead to improved self-care and healthier choices, while negative relationships introduce stress and may result in poor eating habits and neglect of physical well-being. This influence is pervasive, extending across various family structures such as marital, intergenerational, and sibling connections.
The role of family in shaping behavior and beliefs is profound, especially during childhood, where early interactions and imitations set the foundation for future interpersonal skills. Good communication and emotional support within families can enhance mental health, while effective parenting fosters healthy romantic relationships in adulthood. Families act as vital support systems, cultivating self-worth and resilience in individuals. Positive family environments teach children about love, empathy, and healthy engagement, which, in turn, shapes their identities and perspectives.
Conversely, dysfunctional family dynamics can hinder development. Overall, healthy family relationships yield numerous benefits, impacting emotional regulation, self-esteem, and overall well-being, illustrating the critical role of family in personal growth and health.
How Do Family Members Relate To Each Other?
Family members in traditional models are expected to support one another emotionally, practically, and financially, fostering interdependence and loyalty. Relationships can stem from birth, marriage, adoption, or foster care, encompassing both immediate and extended family. Immediate family typically includes parents, siblings, spouses, and children, while extended family comprises grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and more.
Family dynamics are characterized by various forms of relationships, including parent-child and sibling interactions, shaping one's identity, values, and perspectives through their first social system.
Strong family bonds are reinforced by mutual respect, kindness, and effective communication. Families thrive on teamwork, quality time, and acknowledgment of each member's individuality. Positive interactions help children and teens understand their roles in the world, while nurturing influences from family members facilitate personal development. Additionally, healthy family communication nurtures mental well-being, ensuring a supportive environment.
Challenges within family relationships can affect overall dynamics, highlighting the importance of resolving conflicts through emotional honesty and openness. Ultimately, families that cultivate appreciation and affection create a secure foundation for personal and intergenerational growth. Establishing traditions and values enhances familial bonds, enabling members to navigate life’s challenges together.
📹 What Is Emotional Neglect? And How to Cope
Emotional neglect – the withholding of parental love during childhood – can have a psychological impact no less profound than …
This literally popped up in my notifications while I was fully raging about something. My feelings were definitely justified, but I’m tired of reacting in ways that feel harmful to my inner well-being. I’ve gotten much better, but I clearly have work to do. Thank you for all that you provide to those who are struggling, yet trying to do better. 💛
I do this all the time. I’ve actually been accused of overusing extreme language to express my dissatisfaction and it really bothers my boyfriend. Sometimes I notice he doesn’t respond for one minute and suddenly I assume he hates me and I tell him he “never” replies to me or is “always” away or “always” chooses others over me. but in reality, it’s just my rejection sensitivity and fear of losing him rising to the surface. I grew up with a very, VERY unstable family where people would spontaneously combust over nothing (or very trivial triggers) and blow up for a few minutes to maybe an hour then simmer down in the same day. It’s been so intense cops have been called here. I’ve witnessed the most tumultuous ups and downs from my family members since I was a child and I suspect I adopted similar behavior, which sucks. Once I feel something is wrong or I’ve been hurt by somebody, I feel like the victim, like it’s the end and everything sucks and it usually dissipates within the same day, though recalling it will allow for it to linger. Thanks for this article! As somebody with severe trauma (from my family as well as things outside them), rejection sensitivity, anxiety, self esteem issues, you name it… my emotional dysregulation has undoubtedly sabotaged my close relationships and opportunities in life. I wish I could see things more objectively and practice patience, cause if I don’t get instant gratification, I often assume the worst and start reading minds to justify my horribilizations.
:face-red-heart-shape:It’s my favorite website. I never knew her name (I just checked, it’s Emma). When I search for my problems, I get therapy in a nutshell in the search results. I can only identify that this article is going to be the most helpful, as usual, by the website name and Emma’s photo. Thank you, Emma. I believe you are underrated on YouTube. You deserve more views. Thank you from Pakistan.:face-red-heart-shape:
In my first year of marriage my partner and I noticed we would get into arguments and use words like “you always do this” or “you never do that” and it never helped the situation. So we promised each other to ban these words. And it actually took practice to get out of the habit! But we stuck to it and it made a real positive change.
From a single mother of a 3 year old boy, first generation of being a sober parent to my child and a meth and alcohol recovering momma…thank you…..had the craziest day today…we’re in Alaska and it’s raining in winter. We’re stuck inside and your article helped me so much, thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤
Things get complicated when you grew up second guessing yourself because you were gaslighted a lot so now you end up getting very black and white in arguments because thinking in grey feels like gaslighting and second guessing. And I think a lot of my black and white thinking also comes from self protection because I don’t feel like I can trust people, and I have tried to reach my own high expectations for so long that I don’t even trust myself and it really hurts to try and “fail” or trust and get rejected or let down. But black and white thinking never feels good. I just feel constantly stuck and I am aware that I am difficult to live with and it triggers even more shame and I just want to withdraw even more because it adds to the narrative that I’m bad or I can’t trust people to be able to tolerate me.
I’m 32 now and over past five years since lots of loss and stress (step father / bio father/ and sister passed on and moving twice); long story short: my patience to not get irritated and annoyed then upset so fast has been severely tested . Been praying also to have my patience, kindness and empathy to grow. And forgiveness as well for hurt I’ve caused even if unintentional or unknowingly.
You can’t treat reality, yourself, and others like one-sided caricatures. Personally speaking, I find one of my anger triggers is when someone paints me only using my negatives without any regard for the positives. I then accept their skewed verdict and accept the emotion of self-hate. Thank you so much for this article. It really gave me a lot to think about. You are really good at what you do.
I grew up with a parent who expressed verbally black and white thinking, and made it hard to think outside of that trap, and it took awhile to learn that there are other options/ways of thinking. Even though I could tell both my parent and I were aware of nuances, we weren’t yet equipped with the verbal skills to express them. I am much better now with this thank goodness, and can overcome helplessness.
My roommate once told me I think in color, but most people think black and white. I didn’t understand quite what she meant then, but after perusal this do. Thinking in “color” is beautiful AND stressful. I always feel like I’m in the middle because I understand where the other person is coming from, and all they see is white or black.
My therapist helped me so much with how I describe things to myself. My life isn’t less stressful than it used to be, but I’ve become less bothered because I can acknowledge both the lovely and stressful things in my life, and when I think of my stressors now, I know they are temporary. I’m so glad to see someone is making this kind of information to help oneself more accessible for more folkx 🙂
This article came up as a recommended article in my feed. I’m happy I watched it. When I get upset, I often think in black and white and later communicate my feelings (emotional reactivity) in black and white. This article helped me understand how this is damaging to my well-being and possibly even my relationships with others. Thank you
I catch myself doing this often while I’m driving. I’ll see a car with a fancy trailer attached to it or some thing and I’ll say boy, everybody has a nicer camper than me. Or I’ll hit one red light and think oh no, I’m hitting every red light today. But then I will laugh at myself and bring myself back to earth. Thank you for this, it is very helpful.🎉
I’m working on my black/white thinking about black/white thinking. It’s been an eye opening journey to discover how tuned into having to be “being right” all the time and how people (family, friends, co workers, etc.) react to me when I’m in this mode of thinking. When I get distance from the thought patterns and take responsibility for them, I can see how that insecurity of needing approval can be insidious. I’m also getting better at seeing these behaviors in others and I can not take it personally…even when others are doing their best to make it personal.
This was an interesting way of addressing emotional reactivity. In contrast to this, I find it amazing how so much of social media actually trains this “black and white” thinking. I am thankful that there are human beings like yourself who are helping others become more aware of their thoughts and emotions. It is very much needed in today’s world 🤗
The part where you mentioned our ancestors reminded me of this quote that I read recently ” Everything that we feel inside has a charge, a frequency, so what we call the “negative qualities” or the distortions, they also have a charge. They are almost like a habit that we have. ” – Andrew Kenneth Fretwell (from his book Emotional Alchemy: The Love and Freedom Hidden Within Painful Feelings)
My issue is much more inner than outer. My extreme emotional response is when someone accuses me or challenges me or bothering me when I’m all socialized out. I try to hold in the emotion and be polite but they won’t stop, won’t listen, won’t let me escape. I keep trying to mask myself until I explode in either anger or tears. I don’t deal well with conflict at all and I generally end up having an unreasonable emotional response. And to the outside view its sudden and out of nowhere, where I’ve just lost this great war of social propriety against my own panic
Despite perusal so many of your articles and getting so much help from them every time I open up or see a new release I’m a little bit reluctant because I sort of feel like I should be able to handle my issues myself but after I watch your articles it truly gives me an understanding on how I feel impacts the way that the rest of my body reacts and I am highly appreciative of the work you do here on YouTube.
This article was in my recommendations, I hadn’t watched anything like it before but I am so grateful it popped up. I just realised how emotionally reactive I am. I’m constantly saying “I have no time, I am literally so busy every hour that I’m awake,” etc. I also get so worked up whenever I need to do something like a presentation or a class that, when I’m finished, I feel so relieved it almost feels like I’m surprised that I survived it, like I convinced myself that doing something like a presentation or running a class will literally kill me. My emotions are so extreme, there really is no grey area, but I’m so thankful I just watched this and will definitely try to catch myself anytime I start using black and white thinking. Thanks for the article!
Oh my. I’ve been recognizing my black and white thinking ever since I’ve been an adult. I’ve been like this my whole life. Only recently have I started noticing this frame of thinking was damaging. A driver who cuts me off is an idiot. Someone said something thoughtless – never want to be friends with HIM. Even my “whites” were extreme, things were “so amazing/completely awesome” etc. just so reactive. This article is so helpful. Take a deep breath and slow yourself down. ❤❤
This came up on my feed when I was intensely raging and crying out in response to something. And although, my feelings aren’t unjustified, I need to work on not getting carried away by this black/white thinking pattern. It only makes matters extremely worse for me and everyone else around me. Thank you for these articles.
This reminds me of the book Bittersweet by Susan Cain where she speaks about the transition between two states in life and how the middle point is the space of resilience, compassion, kindness. Your article brought mental clarity to what she was expressing. We are often stuck at the extremes due to trauma but the middle is what buoys us through the tough times in life. I call it my crash mat, the space where I cradle myself and bounce back into activity again.
Emma, I just wanted to say that it’s thanks to you and to your articles that I decided to try therapy (through BetterHelp) and it did help me a lot! I am still on it and still progressing, I’ve been doing it for around 3 months now. I was afraid to try it and I started perusal your articles as a substitute to therapy, but then I decided to try therapy and I am so glad I did. So I just wanted to thank you for helping me make this important step in my life.
My emotions are constantly pushing me around like I’m their bitch. Everything negative that happens is an identity crisis where I question what kind of person I am (because I did this, that makes me THIS kind of person), and the way people view me or the way I think people view me, becomes how I view myself. So my mind becomes a roller coaster. Not sure how to overcome this. I’m tired of being tired.
I wish more people put in the work to be a good human. I’m not patting myself on the back, but I’m applauding everyone perusal this article. To improve themselves, their lives, and the lives of others. Having grown up with an emotionally reactive parent, I could’ve only dreamed she’d watch something like this. I now consider it such a privilege to put in this work before having my own children, to carry on these messages and hopefully help others as well.
This article was so informative, concise, and well summarized! I try to keep in mind that most, if not all, things aren’t as simple as black and white. Growing up and observing my parents use black and white thinking, I came to see it as oversimplifying and hurtful. Now I understand why much better! Thank you, Emma!
In this article there is a suggestion that we shoul analyse our reactions. The problem is that overreacting leave no gap for analysis. There is a trigger, body state and reaction. Any analyses could be done only after. So, the challenge is how to break or modify this strong neurological connection for the future. Because if we are already in this highly emotional state, is too late. We are unable to think, and breathing is too weak to change such states.
This is SO very helpful for those of us raised by parents who were severely traumatized themselves, parents who might today be diagnosed with any (or all) of the following: narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, rage, depression… Being raised by such dysregulated and extremely emotional and negative people gets us started in the womb (literally, both energetically and chemically) and then trains us in this kind of thinking and feeling for as many years as we stay in the home. It’s a lot to overcome and rewire, but BW thinking is definitely the place to start. Thank you SO much for your articles!
wow, this is a really great perspective shift about someone being “the worst” and me being “the best” as a form of vindication. I always thought it was just me being broken and critical to myself. But this is actually a little loophole that I think actually helps way more!! I want to get out of this loop. Called me out!! Haha. So appreciated. There is a lot of stuff I’d like to just “not deal with” so it seems easier to not be the one who is responsible for fixing it.
I wonder if one reason for black and white thinking is to make us feel justified in the intensity of our emotions. I understand that the black and white thinking itself may increase emotional intensity but I wonder if sometimes if we pushed ourselves to be more nuanced in phrasing reality then we could end up feeling inappropriate for “being so upset” or not getting over it. Feeling like we are not mature / “adult” enough with our emotions.
Great article, so relevant. I find that I can see a world a gray OUTSIDE myself. When it comes to my own emotions and situations, I’m black and white. My mom was the same way. I grew up with her constantly using “all” or “never” statements so that it became so normal. Time to break through my own polarized thinking and cut myself some slack when I’m hating on myself. Thanks for the article!
This is something I figured out years ago. I didn’t know the definitions or words but i absolutely realized why I catastrophized everything. I’m far from an expert on how to handle those moments but my goodness I have been able to dramatically improve my thought processes and reactions. I’m also generally a happier and kinder person.
Thank you,I struggled with just seeing things based on pat patterns and tend to misjudge/misinterpret situations based on how I think they are in my mind which made me cry a lot then later when I get clarity, I feel like I literally keep on hurting myself over nothing and the anxiety keeps growing so this was really helpful because I really want to stop feeding my mind with negativity ❤
I love these articles – they are so logical. I could see this mindset and process being perfect for short interactions or relationships where both parties are logical/desire to improve. I only wish it also applied to toxic work environments. There is really no “winning” with those. And try and I might to reframe, when the same situation repeats time and again, it solidifies itself in my head as a fact. The 20th instance of “they were both mean and may have just been having a bad day”, or “My boss isn’t a bad boss; he told me he would talk to (coworker) and not to worry about it” is just me lying to myself. That person really is just a crab with no respect for others and that boss really isn’t a good boss if the only way to get him to address an issue is to receive a call from HR after I went over his head. Toxic work conflict leaves me feeling either trampled-upon (if I didn’t react to the situation), being labelled dramatic/a complainer (reported to boss/human resources dept.), or called a villain (stood up for myself). Don’t get me wrong, I have had some good bosses in the past, but in the toxic environments there is no such thing. It feels impossible to reframe situations with family-business bosses who really do put blood, not only before other employees, but before logic, profit, customers, ethical business practices, laws…etc. every single time. Or supervisors who really do never question the senior employee despite continuous issues. (Such as being blatantly and routinely absent without approval, PTO, or explanation, talking back to superiors and telling them they “don’t want” to do something and to give it to so-and-so instead, sowing seeds of contempt between departments – without provocation – by making unbidden and off topic replies that falsely insinuate mistrust and blame.
I just catch myself having a black an white thinking. I sincerely appreciate your efforts to help us. I clearly need to work on it because it has affected so many relationships. Friends, coworkers, partners, family. You start seeing you’re making progress when you catch yourself perusal articles like this to improve ourselves. I’m proud of myself! And I’ll make more effort to change.
I just finished cosmetology school and I applied for my first job in a salon. They were taking a while, but they did want to give me a job offer. In my excitement I fell into this black and white line of thinking. “If they wanted to give me a job why is it taking so long? Surely they can’t be serious about hiring me?” Long story short instead of relaxing I “reacted” my way out of that job haha!! It’s okay though because I’m recognizing these behaviors for what they are and I have another interview today. 😄 lol thanks for the great article, all the examples you gave really helped! 🥰🥰🥰
Everyone does this black and white thinking. It stems from childhood, “this is the only way”. You know you can do better”. If I don’t see an improvement…..so on and so forth. It’s all part of what I call the human narrative. As adults we have remembered subconsciously our pasts when dealing with a difficult situation. We react the way we learned growing up. It can be a challenge to change the narrative and visualize the nuances of these things. It takes work and time. I’m almost 67 and it took me until I was 55 to start to control my ego and figure this stuff out. Thank you for your wonderful podcasts.
This black and white thinking is me and I’m so happy to have some tools to use now. Had a therapist that I loved a few years back but she moved out of state so I am not in the mood to start over so I haven’t even looked for another. But I feel positive if it just start this way of thinking I can find another when I get the basics completed. Great message.
I am kind of a person who went through a lot, with this I developed a sense of emotional bond towards the poeple who are trapped in their job and are being crushed. I am a teacher and I see everyday people suffer, This melt my heart. I understand that emotions are a part of your life, but this is too much for me.
I have noticed that I become extremely impulsive with anger when I’m in a hurry, usually after I’ve been procrastinating. I have an ADHD diagnosis and no longer take medications for personal reasons. I don’t really use the words you mention often since I had gone through CBT and learned, for the most part, to stop those thinking traps. My mind goes into blaming others and for some reason I become ultra sensitive to noises, especially repetitive sounds/speech(like alarms, beeps from messages, a movie that has not yet been started and repeating the same tune, hearing repetitive small talk when I’m busy and don’t care to talk). Once I get annoyed under stressed circumstances whether it be from hormones or running behind and wanting to shut down the distractions, it’s very difficult to talk myself down. The best thing to prevent me from feeling intense rage is to acknowledge that I am not perfect and it’s okay to be human, I got behind or screwed up and I just have to slow down and accept where I am and what i need to do and trying to use my adrenaline as motivation will hurt myself and others most of the time. I have just recently realized that my reactions to not reacting when angered by noises feels exactly like intense withdrawal symptoms that i had gone through when quitting smoking, or that feeling of need that i feel when fasting I feel like i use adrenaline as some kind of angry motivation to push myself. I believe reacting to anger is a habit/addiction that is necessary to withdrawal from.
I love your articles so much. I find them very helpful. Could you please also make a article about dealing with impulsivity? I struggle with that a lot. I say and do things that I end up regretting and it puts a lot of strain on my relationships. Also could you please also make a article about not becoming jealous? Much love from Germany 🙂
Perfect timing. I’m struggling with situations at work and realize my self talk and complaining isn’t make things better, doh! I knew I needed to change course, change something. This is so helpful to give myself some agency back and keep myself from feeling (playing) the victim. I need to be held accountable too.
Something that has had a huge impact for me has been creating a relationship with my inner child with help from the “homecoming” book. When i get triggered i let my inner child vent and say everything she wants to say including bw thinking then i help her feel heard and comforted. Then POOF i feel calm and can face the situation with clarity because i felt acknowledged. Just being “honest” with myself with out feeling acknowledged… well i just never had the strength to overcome my triggers with that approach. But i still find this information very valuable!!
Perfectly explains how and why some people tend to narrow down many, many possibilities into a single idea because “brevity” or something. The problem is, they are doing it in a negative way, which is why they narrow down negative and positive possibilities into a single negative catch-all while completely missing the positives.
I don’t think I use black and white thinking to excuse myself as I always try to find solutions to my problems. It’s not always the case so I don’t think it’s accurate to say that people do that as an excuse. I do that because that’s how I was raised, unfortunately and I have BPD but it never feels good to me. But I try to challenge my thoughts.
IDK this seems like a crock to me that isn’t helpful. When I’ve seen black and white thinking it’s because the person is feeling overwhelmed, tired (from physical causes) and maybe a bit insecure and this has snowballed to more extreme panicked and anxious feelings and actual dysregulation. The black and white thinking comes out of this extreme state. They’re not saying these exaggerations primarily to get out of responsibility- they are coming from deep pain and insecurity, and a panicked and emotional state. So for example, “my spouse never does the dishes” – what they are really saying is “I’m exhausted and completely overwhelmed with my responsibilities in the house and I feel that my partner is taking advantage of me in multiple ways. I don’t feel supported or loved or that my spouse even notices all I do for the family. etc.” So pushing the person to recognize – “well actually they did put their dishes in the dishwasher once last month unprompted” is not actually calming because it invalidates what is actually going on and being felt. An exaggeration that misses the mark won’t counteract an exaggeration coming from real feelings and situations. Even more importantly black and white thinking is part of dysregulation. I don’t see how you’re going to get someone to do this in that state. This seems like an approach that is only really applicable for people who are just lazy, self-absorbed and entitled, not particularly self aware, and who are not actually experiencing true anxiety.
I’m struggling with this honesty phrase. Normally I’d be open and on board with a lot of things and this topic initially resonated; the B&W thinking too. But I really don’t see me lying to myself. I didn’t tend to use extreme phrases until more recently, during some bad times, but generally my B&W has been more of a solution pathway – I like efficiency. See a problem and my head jumps down several pathways, quickly sifting, and gets to step ten very quick – and do this with some B&W choices. But applying that to very difficult life issues is double edged – I find it will protect me rather than hoping for a good outcome or a fair compromise, as typically I’ll lose out, get shafted and then utterly miserable with the world. I prefer to be prepared. I’ll watch the whole article when less tired. See if I can take the best bits.
I do practice this, but i want everyone to be aware that there are instances in which the “Horriblizing” language is an accurate assessment of what has occurred. Do not beat yourself up if you see something as black and white even after you stopped and thoroughly considered it. But do not let this fact act as an excuse either. Even if the situation is a gray one, not all shades of gray are the same. It is not wise to chide yourself or others for the simplicity of thinking in 2 colors when you can only think in one and not acknowledge the myriad of shades within it.
The article just came up when searching on how to react better without harming our inner self. Such good points. Never thought of thr black and white thinking, and if I look closely into the nuances of whenever I reacted badly, it does comply with what was mentioned in the article. Glad to have found it. Have work to do!
Here’s a little request: please don’t call it lying when people are in black and white thinking because lying implies that you are consciously saying something that is not true knowing and accepting (or even planning) that it will harm others. But as you said, it takes time and effort for a person to realise when they are caught in black and white thinking — so it can’t be done consciously and therefore it isn’t lying. Why is this so important? Because when you tell people they’re lying you are judging them and most people won’t listen to you or try to learn from you when you judge them first. I fully agree with the rest of the content of your article (and I’m in the process of becoming less of a black and white thinker). If you could say “you’re mistaken” instead of “you’re lying” that would be incredibly helpful.
I’m a bit guilty of this. I always (but like actually always not bw thinking always) assume that everyone around me hates me and their negative feelings are always my fault. It’s led to some moments where people I thought hated me were floored by how I thought they thought of me, and they’d scramble to be like “what whattttt?! I wasn’t mad at you at all! I was annoyed because my cat kept attacking my feet!”
Not another Better Help promo by a better mental health facilitator… Don’t wee all know better by now? Surely we’ve heard the horror stories of their terms and conditions and how they’re really not a great place for people seeking honest and safe healing. Other than that, great article! Thanks so much for this… Sharing with sibling who also is working on accountability :”)
I’ve been trying to learn more about measuring my response to things. I’ve historically been one that is prone to getting heated up really quick and oftentimes it’s not helpful. This article provides some useful tools for me to recognize when I’m going down this path so I can reverse course. Also, reading about the stools and the way they perceived the world has been very enlightening as well.
I really like this therapist. I found her article the other day and she is good. I like her voice too. Black & white thinking is very damaging. There is always a gray area and if you can find that gray area it will help you. It always helps to own your own behavior first. Often times we don’t see that our behaviors play a part in our interactions with others in regards to communicating effectively. Looking for the gray area is similar to finding the positive. I feel thinking in black & white for me is a way to stay comfortable as well as having some form of control in attempts at not being wrong or feeling hurt.
This was well explained. I thought the part where if you can catch yourself doing it to be really valuable. I guess you have to open your mind up the phenomenon and want to be respectful of others instead of being in your own little world all the time and then you can catch yourself doing it and begin to refrain your sentences which could help to refrain your thoughts.
I would love for you to speak about perfectionism. I obsess about cultivating a daily art journal Practice, but I tear up and throw away everything I make because it’s ugly. I tell myself that I’ve lost my artistic ability. Funny thing is, when I need a pattern or art project for my preschool students to do, I can whip up a really cute one in the blink of an eye freehand. When it’s for someone else, Its no problem. Why can’t I create for my own enjoyment?
This article is going to help me a lot in my journey with self discovery. Understanding my thoughts and emotions is crucial and i must be aware of the way I talk with myself and change the way I see reality . Reframing my thoughts and leaving my black and white area is the biggest challenge I’m facing right now . Thanks a lot. ❤
My husband has always communicated aggressively in black and white thinking, like “You’re wrong for feeling that way” or “You never understand.” I’ve been trying to help us both communicate more assertively and with “I feel (emotion word) statements,” but I don’t have any hope that it’ll change. This causes me a TON of anxiety. But thank you for this article, as it helps me to root out my own black and white thinking.
I was diagnosed with BPD 2 years at the age of 27 after spinning out of control from late teens onwards. Being able to recognise the idealisation devaluation cycle rooted in black and white thinking was very a “Aha!” moment. Obviously it has taken lots of therapy and a lot of determination but I’m finally mostly better
Thank you so much! I have been trying to find a name and meaning to the way I react to so many things, because my mind ALWAYS wants to go to the extreme! I, sometimes vocalize or and when I don’t, it’s just as bad because I have a volcano inside that I’m trying to keep capped. It’s stressful living this way. I realize this started in my childhood because, in my turbulent, unstable home, my parents wouldn’t let me talk about anything going on.
I did not like how this article implies that ppl in a bad emotional pit all seek the pity of others or seek to avoid efforts. Depression doesn’t come from a place of that but from a feeling of overwhelming efforts vs ridiculous results. It can be exhausting at a moment where the energy is already low. So it’s not a run, not even a walk, it’s a crawl. Sometimes, there’s so much of oneself to mend, and so little solid ground to start doing so, that you don’t know where to start. You need help, not to dwell in pity, but to have some footing to start digging yourself out of it. And you want independance, and to get your shit together and move on to a next challenge, or just move on to normal life, but you’re not there yet, NOT from not doing the efforts but because these things TAKE TIME. And if someone has to battle a multilayer problem as well as battling the distrust of those around them who, instead of being supportive, label them “lazy” or “self-pity”, making a article which confirms these labels and assume struggling people actually deserve to be invalidated in their genuine efforts just because said efforts bring results little by little, DOES NOT HELP. Unsubscribed today and not coming back.
Brilliant brilliant article… we are a family of catastrophising black & white thinkers & it’s a terrible cycle of behaviour that goes back generations… from now on I call Stop 🛑 especially on my own behaviour, which is making me constantly stressed miserable & probably physically ill from all the cortisol it releases in the body! A heart felt THANK YOU!
What if you get confirmation for this type of thinking? Moving across a country for a job you only have for three days because the boss doesn’t like you? Making ONE minor mistake at another job that causes your boss to absolutely lose their shit and start screaming for an hour? It becomes a habit for a reason sometimes- the world is full of all kinds of people, but it is the genuinely shit ones who control everything we can do.
This article should be titled black and white thinking, not how to be less reactive. I generally don’t exaggerate or think in absolutes, yet I still have moments where I have a very strong reaction that makes me tremble with anger or anxiety. This article is also pretty black and white, assuming that all emotionally reactive people are lazy and/or hyperbolic.
EMMA’S TEAM: can you add this article to the other playlist you have entitled “cognitive distortions”? Or combine the two playlists you have with that title? Because right now there are two playlists entitled “cognitive distortions”. Thank you and thanks for the great website. 😊 I often refer people to the playlist with the most articles in it and want the new playlist articles in there too.
Thank you for this. I had to bring puppies in to a shelter today and I felt like I was just duped into it. I’m angry that I was used and lied to, I’m angry at myself for doing it, but I know I had the best intentions to reunite them with their mother and sibling that were already turned in. I still have alooooot of work to do, it’s gonna be a long weekend
I wish you had delivered your message in a less accusatory tone. I am generally an optimistic person who tries to see nuances to the point of second guessing many of my decisions, yet sometimes I get pushed too far and emotions I’ve been holding back suddenly explode. Also, why would you pick an example like math?? Who cares if someone is bad at math, why not pick a universally distressing topic like feeling unloved.
I have been practising the Mindfulness of Breathing technique youtube.com/post/UgkxIIDVgnLN8pF_fPOyoZ1nTjbLvvZcib6r as taught in this CD for about 2 years having read about it in Paramananda’s Change Your Mind book and taken a real liking to it. However at times I struggle to remain focused on the breathing and thought that at such times this guided version might suit me. So after two years I finally decided to buy it! The first 7’24 of Track 1 of the CD is a body relaxtion which I do not use: I don’t like body relaxation techniques and I find 27′ just a little too long for meditation. The remaining 20′ of gentle, guided meditation helps me tremendously to relax and stay focused. I find him’s voice very soothing and whilst he is present to guide you through the 4 stages of the meditation, his presence is not intrusive or distracting. For the past two years I have tried to follow this technique as best I can with gentle meditation music despite music not being recommended. Having used this CD a couple of times I think I will try from now on to adopt a new routine of no music and just this CD as I find it so helpful. I realise now that the music really is distracting and I have enjoyed listening to the ambient sounds around me which I am normally unaware of. I can not comment on the other 2 tracks of Metta or Walking Meditation as I bought the CD solely to help me with the Mindfulness of Breathing and it does just that – very effectively. In my opinion this CD is money very well spent as it will guide you through a thoroughly useful and beneficial meditation technique and I don’t think you can put a price on that.
This is not accurate. Black and white thinking comes from invalidating (lack of empathy) parents. If you had parents who validated you and your emotions, while also holding boundaries, then you would have learned to regulate your emotions and have grater tolerance for distress. Affect drives behavior, so if your parents only saw behavior and punished/criticized you, with little effort to understand (ie authoritarian or avoidant parenting), then you never learned about your own emotions or others – leading to black white thinking. You can’t hold 2 realities at once. I love this person AND they’re flawed AND so am I AND we both deserve compassion and understanding ie relational repair. If your parents never apologized to you, that’s another big piece. You were taught at a young age that mistakes are not ok, the way to earn love is to be perfect, and to anticipate rejection when there’s a misunderstanding.
Didn’t know the terminology, but I used to, and every now and then still do this. I realized it at some point and have worked to stop myself whenever I start talking like that. Every now and then I still do but it’s a lot easier to call out and move past, not letting myself get all dark and everything PS life has been a lot better
Sought out this article today after making an emotional decision I could tell wasn’t the wisest way of reacting afterwards. That I’ve tended to do this a lot lately – now that I’m in a point in my life where I can stop suppressing my emotions all the time and can actually react or process. I searched “How to react better with intense emotions” and I’m happy to have found this. Feels like I’m having to re-learn how to be and to brain in my adult life now. How do I even actually process and have feelings instead of trying to supress or get rid of them right away?! Thanks for making this article!
Hi @Therapy in a Nutshell. I love you so much. I have been already perusal articles by many of coaches, a few psychologist and good people and I truly like yours the most. It simply resonates with me the most. I love your kindness, smile, specificity in addressing phenomena and honesty. Actually, I am myself like that but after many traumas I fail to recognize my emotions and get back to myself. However I am going since three years through psychotherapeutical process, and the lady specifically pinpoints to me lotsa points that I was too afraid to pinpoint, name and acknowledge. Thanks to that I was able to identify lotsa evil that I face in my abusive marriage and also in how my parents treat me. Anyways, what I wanted to also say as a “huge thank you” is that you revealed somewhere that you are a Christian. It is so consoling to know that despite people of faith being labeled as dummies, morons, reality junkies, idiots etc., there are still those kind examples which vividly state with their personas that this is a lie. Have a great day ahead!
I really appreciate this article. So well thought out, accurate information, and although you’re promoting Better Help – I don’t feel like I’m being hassled into buying something. There are a rising number of therapists online that make mental health feel trendy and gimmicky. So I just really appreciate you not gatekeeping this information 💗
Your demeanor and presence is wonderful. Looking at B&W thinking today. Someone accused me of that. I have Asperger’s and my B&W thinking helps me reach quick and accurate decisions. I have learned take those decisions then apply what is negotiable and what is non-negotiable. My ethics are unshakable. Over-generalization is something I must be mindful of. Anger and negativity is something I overcame years ago. Now I have to wonder if I’m still lying to myself. Recent covert gf experience was only 45 days ago. I’m doubting what was true and untrue. Thinking “What is it was me the entire time!?” It was not me, she was the devil…..I know what I saw and heard. In a sense, it was me. I allowed it.
I wish you could be here with me, when I had to go talk to my neighbors. I waited for more then a year to talk to them. I thought they will see how people live in our neighborhood and will change their behavior. But it didn’t happened and I felt that I should not had wait. Now I’ve got so angry at myself and situation, that I had to go talk to them right away. And of cause I couldn’t speak calmly. I am happy I’ve talked. And they seams, like trying to fix the problem, but I have a yakkie feeling about not being able to talk calmly and not to be extreme with my words. Thank you for the article
For the past few years every time I get upset I blow up I start screaming and cussing and just doing a lot of stuff and I have lost a lot of pl bc of that and I always thought “okay there just dramatic I barely did anything” but now today I’ve realized that the way I react to stuff is not healthy at all
Emma Fareda says she thinks that your articles aren’t targeted for all kinds of people because life’s troubles are not always due to people ‘s own thinking styles but unfortunately sometimes other people are playing games as well for their own interests but she likes your this viking hair style. She says she doesn’t listen you but just gets energy by just feeling your presence.
Been following you for a while. Huge fan. Plus, your curls just keep getting better it seems 🙂 Can you do a article on advice for how to tell my family member that they are using phrases and methods that are emotionally abusive? I feel like a family member exploits me emotionally. She goes into panic attacks and doom and gloom thinking if I don’t reply or text immediately. She demands my immediate attention and availability to her, due to her own unresolved trauma and anxiety / OCD. On the reverse she also gas lights me, calls me names, airs my dirty laundry when it would serve her agenda or make her look like the good guy. When I tell her what she is doing she says I always play the victim, I never consider what I did to provoke her, basically it’s my fault that she says awful things to me and about me. She refuses to ever apologize and almost 99% turns the tables on me or shuts down the conversation saying I am just causing useless drama. And usually a day or a few days later she will text and act like nothing happened and expects me to also disregard the abuse or recent incident. I’m so stuck. She’s my family. Her kids are my nieces. It’s complicated 🙁
I just lost a very close friend who always made me feel good about myself. She made me confident in myself. Now that she is gone I don’t have someone who will help me with these two things. Therefore I am feeling like I will never be able to do the things I want without self confidence. How can I change this from a black and white thought? I have a list of things that I will never be able to do without her in my life. 1. I have lost confidence in myself. 2. I have no dating skills so I will never find a partner 3. I will not travel before or during retirement 4. I will be alone until I die 5. I will die without doing anything I wanted to do. 6. I don’t see any of my dreams coming true. I do have a therapist and will work on these thoughts in the next couple weeks. Right now everything seems hopeless. Thanks for this article and your website. I find very useful information here.
Definitely didn’t look up how to turn off my emotions because I got into an argument with my mom at told her that I’m sorry I’m not perfect and that I get that I need to do better, then from their as I was walking upstairs my dad told me I need to not be so emotional and stop crying and that I’m acting like a lunatic 🥲😅
woahhh i had no clue about this! guilty! Thank you so much for pointing this out because its super true and not only does it make me more upset, but it also makes me look dramatic. My problem is i like to use exaggerated metaphors to get my point across, but that usually invokes humor. I’m not sure if its okay to keep making humorous exaggerated metaphors if i stop the always never terriblization words? This reminds me of neurolinguistic programming which i hardly know anything about have just heard of it. Thanks for this. You’re so smart. I appreciate you helping to educate and empower us and improve our lives.
1. Notice extreme words (I don’t want any friends, I want to die, etc…) 2. Slow down ( focusing on breathing helps to calm down) 3. Use an emotional word ( I feel anxious, I feel depressed, etc…) 4. Reframe your thoughts 5. Use Both/And ( My life is depressed and I need to look for other ways to be happy, I feel anxious and I need to detach from the situation, etc….) 6. Look for exceptions (I’m a confident person but I lost in that situation, I’m a happy person but I was attached with that bad situation, etc…) 7. Be precise when talking about the problem (I thought I would be happy when I was with a friend but I’m enough, I thought that problem would end my life but it’s just a small problem which would be resolved by asking for help, etc….) 8. Be accountable (Managing attachments, loosing happiness for other’s opinions)
Black and white thinking is not a problem for me. But I do allow myself to react emotionally when I am harassed by random strangers in public (this happens nearly daily). I am not allowing them into my headspace any more. It’s not a word choice problem on my part because it is a reality. It is a how do I let it affect my choice and I choose my best self care for mental health.
Sometimes one has to see the crappy behavior (w/o nuance) of a professional to react properly and decisively. I wrote the notice ending the professional relationship a week before I sent it to think about it first. I wanted to send a proper notice. I faxed it, left a message for his assistant to check for the fax, and emailed an image of the letter too. I did not look for the nuance because a financial advisor is not supposed to yell when he does not like a client’s past decisions. Tough rocks! I see your point in this article, but so many people yell or give the silent treatment when I had done nothing wrong to that person. I am not always right, and I changed jobs to cool the circuits. Stress is a killer! I was becoming someone I despised. I still think that society as a whole is going the wrong way, and we may have to forget nuance even now. I see your point for daily, routine issues, but sometimes we have to see the crappy behavior of another to protect ourselves, even if the solution is not fight or flight. This is a good article, however, overall.
Listen i just went through hell the last year of my Dads life with 2 women friends of my Dad texting me horrible bullying texts harassing me telling me how I was going to burn in hell for the care of my Dad, they tried to get rid of my by calling elder abuse including financial. The case worker told me to put restraining orders on them. I didn’t because my dad loved them and needed campaionship. They even tried to get him another attorney after we had to declare my dad incompetent he had severe dementia. They continued to lie and trying to get attorney after he was declared incompetent. My point with all this my anger is beyond its eaten me up. But there are situations where horrible people out there and it is just that black and white.
I’d like to suggest that people try to discover new words to explain the same feeling, and to explore the differences in how the word feels when it’s a different word meaning the same thing as an emotional statement that also fits an unexpressed aspect of the emotion you feel: Angry at yourself for being jealous and not being creative and kind in front of both an ex and a future mate is not something that happens overnight, it takes a lifetime of practice to do it right.
I feel this is related to not having emotional regulation as a child. As a person, calm and rational but I have cptsd. My family is truly triggering in every way possible. Two years of being my brother’s slave had caused huge resentment. Its cool that I overreacted but I keep huge resentment and then need to vent and vent and cry to as many people as possible. I really need to stop it but I feel helpless, taken advantage of, unable to take control since I have communicated often, spoken kindly, cried and finally I explode.
I get it both ways. A lot of perfect days and events and interactions. Brilliant this, fantastic that. Not sure it’s a good thing now! Sort of carrying on the habits of the “worst / never ever / every effin time…” side of things maybe. I’m finding this difficult to think about because for me, the positive side feels really good… it’s nice to feel a best-day-ever. It’s nice to feel BLESSED to know someone. Very interesting vid thanks