Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) is a complex mental health condition that often affects individuals and their families. It is often difficult to treat due to the high burden on family members, who may not recognize the harmful nature of their behaviors and thoughts. Family therapy can help individuals overcome these symptoms by promoting healthy communication and mutual understanding.
Various interventions, such as behavior therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, schema therapy, and social problem-solving therapy, have been proposed for treating ASPD. These interventions can help individuals understand their diagnosis and how it affects others. Research shows that mentalization-based therapy can alleviate symptoms like aggression and paranoia in people with ASPD and related conditions.
Although no medication or behavioral therapy option has consistently been shown to be effective in treating ASPD, therapy is often effective in helping people overcome their symptoms. Societal norms provide guidelines for acceptable social behavior, and mentalization-based therapy can help alleviate symptoms like aggression and paranoia.
Family support can enhance antisocial personality disorder therapy, promoting stability and long-term positive changes for individuals and loved ones. Family therapy is a good complement to individual therapy modalities, as the transmission of parental antisocial tendencies to their children is facilitated by the low level of differentiation between parent and child.
Family-based treatments are the overwhelming majority of interventions identified across reviews as effective in treating serious antisocial personality disorders. However, a study failed to show greater reductions in offending and antisocial behavior in the group allocated for family therapy. Overall, family-based treatments represent the majority of interventions identified as effective in treating serious antisocial personality disorders.
| Article | Description | Site |
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| Family Support in Antisocial Personality Disorder Therapy | Learn how family support enhances antisocial personality disorder therapy, promoting stability and long-term positive changes for individuals and loved … | click2pro.com |
| Randomized controlled trial of Functional Family Therapy … | by S Humayun · 2017 · Cited by 91 — Results: Eighty-nine (80%) were followed-up. In both groups, there were large reductions over time in all measures of offending and antisocial behavior (e.g. … | pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov |
| Antisocial Personality Disorder | Antisocial Personality Disorder. What is Antisocial Personality Disorder … family therapy is a good complement to the individual therapy modalities mentioned … | annabellepsychology.com |
📹 BPD Strategies & Techniques for Parents & Partners
This video is going to address issues that often arise when someone you love has BPD. There are things you can do to make their …
How To Deal With A Family Member Who Has Antisocial Personality Disorder?
Coping with someone who has Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) can be challenging, particularly since the disorder is often undiagnosed or untreated. Here are some strategies to help manage the situation:
- Seek Professional Help for Yourself: Prioritize your mental health.
- Empathize with Your Loved One: Attempt to understand their perspective.
- Set and Enforce Clear Boundaries: Establish limits to protect yourself.
- Practice Self-Care: Take care of your own emotional needs.
- Join a Support Group: Connect with others facing similar challenges.
- Learn to Communicate Effectively: Develop skills for clearer interactions.
- Be Patient: Understanding the complexities of ASPD takes time.
Encouraging the individual with ASPD to seek treatment is important, and psychotherapy can assist in setting goals and improving relationships. Awareness of the symptoms and impacts of ASPD is crucial for both your safety and the well-being of your loved one. Stay informed and cautious in your interactions, while also considering the need for professional guidance when navigating these difficult relationships.
What Type Of Therapy Is Best For ASPD?
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is frequently utilized to address antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), a condition marked by a persistent disregard for others' rights. This therapy aims to modify problematic thinking and behaviors. However, there is no definitive, universal treatment for ASPD. Various interventions such as behaviour therapy, schema therapy, and social problem-solving therapy are available, alongside medications that can alleviate symptoms like aggression and mood fluctuations.
While there is no cure for ASPD, a combination of medications and psychotherapy is typically recommended for symptom management. Commonly, clients are prescribed antidepressants, antipsychotics, and mood stabilizers. Evidence regarding effective therapies for ASPD remains limited, partially due to individuals often not seeking treatment. Ongoing therapy and family support can enhance understanding and management of the disorder. Overall, treatments focus on symptom control rather than a complete resolution of the disorder, contributing to improved coping mechanisms and social skills.
Who Is Not Appropriate For Group Therapy?
Group therapy is not suitable for all individuals. Those who are extremely antisocial, shy, impulsive, or passive-aggressive may struggle in this setting. While some individuals with eating disorders find value in hearing others' experiences, for many, it can normalize harmful behaviors. Variability in group therapy quality means foundational flaws may adversely affect participants. Peer-led groups, while accessible for issues like grief or addiction, can be ineffective for certain populations.
Individuals with severe social anxiety might face challenges initially in group settings, and acute psychosis or antisocial personality disorder can disrupt group dynamics. Additionally, suicidal patients or individuals in crisis are often not appropriate candidates due to their specific needs. Personality conflicts can arise in group settings, complicating interactions. Effective group therapy requires careful screening to identify suitable participants, especially for conditions like trauma, anxiety, or substance use disorder.
Although group therapy has transformative potential for many, the same cannot be said for all. Connecting with others can be invaluable, but leaders must ensure participants are well-aligned to benefit from the experience. Therapy should be tailored based on individual circumstances and continually reassessed as needs evolve.
Why Is It Difficult To Treat Antisocial Personality Disorder?
Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) is complex and challenging to treat clinically, primarily because individuals often do not recognize their harmful behaviors and thoughts. Many react negatively to offers of help, making engagement in treatment difficult. Manipulation of therapists is common among those with ASPD, which hinders therapeutic progress. While there is no cure for ASPD, treatment typically combines psychotherapy and medications to manage co-occurring conditions.
Early intervention is vital, yet many individuals do not seek help voluntarily, as they lack insight into their issues. ASPD is characterized by traits such as egocentrism, irritability, and aggression, complicating diagnosis and treatment. Although results from treatment can be mixed, and positive behavioral change can be elusive, some evidence suggests that improvement in behavior may occur over time with appropriate therapies.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy and dialectical behavior therapy are potential options. Overall, managing ASPD requires recognizing and addressing deep-rooted behavioral patterns, along with consistent therapy and support, even if core traits like empathy remain unchanged.
What Is The Success Rate Of Family Therapy?
The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) highlights that family therapy is highly effective, with over 98% of clients reporting good or excellent assistance. Various studies suggest a success rate of 70-80%, with notable improvements in relationships and emotional well-being achieved in as few as 10-20 sessions. Systemic family therapy is particularly beneficial for families facing mental health issues, including substance abuse and eating disorders. Research indicates that patients and the parents of minors often rate outcomes more positively than therapists.
Significantly, therapy leads to improved family functioning and individual mental health, benefiting all age groups. A 2021 study revealed that older adults (65+) experience a higher success rate from psychological interventions. Approximately 40% of American families will seek therapy at some point, reflecting the challenges they encounter.
Couples participating in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) show substantial improvement, with 90% experiencing enhanced relationships. Family therapists tend to achieve the best outcomes, as evidenced by lower recidivism rates compared to other care providers. Over time, treated families have generally fared better than those in control groups, with many studies consistently showing systemic therapy's efficacy.
Additionally, therapy attendance seems to be associated with reduced healthcare visits, especially among high utilizers. In summary, while success rates vary based on several factors, family therapy remains a highly valuable intervention for improving emotional and relational health.
When Family Therapy Is Not Suitable?
Family therapy can be ineffective in situations where there is a lack of commitment among family members or in cases of violence, abuse, or severe mental health issues. If one or more family members are unwilling to participate, family therapy may not be appropriate. Additionally, it may not be suitable when conflicts are better resolved through individual or group therapy. Family therapy aims to improve communication, resolve conflicts, and strengthen relationships, but can also expose existing issues or create new tensions within the family.
Some families are ill-suited for this form of therapy, especially when dealing with serious mental health conditions or dysfunctional dynamics. Critics argue that specific approaches, like structural family therapy and functional family therapy, may fail to address deeper underlying issues. Effective alternatives may include individual therapy or group sessions, particularly when trust is lacking, or individual motivations hinder collective progress.
Furthermore, privacy concerns in family therapy sessions can prevent candid discussions, leading to frustrations. Families should consider their unique dynamics, the therapist's competence, and specific barriers they face, including lack of goals or direction, motivation to change, and excessive animosity, which may impede the therapeutic process and outcomes.
Is Group Therapy Good For Antisocial Personality Disorder?
Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) presents significant treatment challenges, often making patients resistant to seeking help. Group therapy has emerged as a promising avenue for instigating change among these individuals, as it capitalizes on peer learning rather than relying solely on therapist guidance (Meloy and Yakeley, 2014). Support groups specifically designed for individuals with ASPD can enhance treatment efficacy.
While treatment options for ASPD remain debated and lack robust evidence, mentalization-based treatment (MBT) is recognized as a potential effective strategy, particularly in group settings that foster personal formulation and relationships.
Individual therapy, group therapy, and family therapy may collectively benefit patients. Evidence suggests that structured group therapy sessions can yield positive outcomes in mental health, reducing recidivism, improving overall well-being, and addressing associated issues such as criminality and substance abuse. However, treatment outcomes for ASPD are mixed, and clinicians often consider a combination of medications and psychotherapeutic approaches to tailor interventions to patient needs.
Ultimately, while ASPD remains a challenging disorder to treat and lacks a definitive one-size-fits-all approach, group therapy proves to be a valuable tool in the management and treatment of this complex condition.
What Is Family Therapy Disadvantage?
Family therapy has several potential disadvantages that one must consider. Challenges can arise when family members blame one individual for issues, leading to conflict. Additionally, therapy may uncover painful topics previously unaddressed, which can create feelings of isolation among members. Participation is crucial; if some refuse to engage, it can hinder the process. Families often strive for homeostasis, so even unhealthy dynamics can persist.
Another issue is discomfort during sessions, where members may struggle to express their feelings in front of others, stunting growth. Family therapy generally takes a holistic approach, which, while beneficial, may also result in an imbalance of power if certain individuals dominate discussions. Concerns regarding privacy are present, as family members share personal thoughts collectively, unlike in one-on-one therapy. Moreover, ongoing emotional discomfort, uneven participation, and time or financial commitments can limit its effectiveness.
Overall, while family therapy can promote healing and improved dynamics, these drawbacks must be carefully weighed against its advantages, especially in situations involving violence, abuse, or lack of commitment among family members.
Why Is It Difficult To Treat People With Antisocial Personality Disorder?
Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) poses significant challenges in treatment due to individuals often lacking awareness of their harmful behaviors and thoughts. Many individuals with ASPD may feel reactive or resistant when offered assistance, and they frequently do not seek help independently. Treatment usually combines therapy and medication, particularly for associated conditions. There is variability in the effectiveness of these treatments, largely because many individuals perceive no need for change and often view treatment as unnecessary.
The lack of empathy and disregard for social norms in people with ASPD complicates their management, as they may manipulate or hurt others without remorse. Factors contributing to ASPD include genetic heritability, estimated between 38 to 69%. Mental health professionals sometimes regard ASPD as untreatable; however, this perspective may be premature due to limited research on effective medications and therapeutic approaches. Those with ASPD can recognize others' emotions but lack genuine emotional engagement.
Although interventions like cognitive-behavioral therapy and dialectical behavior therapy may be beneficial, a multidisciplinary approach is essential for addressing the complexities of ASPD. Ultimately, while challenging, treatment is not impossible, and long-term follow-up may assist in achieving better outcomes for some patients.
What Is The Hardest Mental Illness To Live With?
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is one of the most challenging mental illnesses, marked by intense emotions, unstable self-image, and turbulent relationships. Individuals with BPD often struggle to manage their fluctuating feelings and distorted thoughts, which can make daily life overwhelming. The question of which mental illness is the hardest to live with varies greatly by personal experience, treatment effectiveness, and available support systems.
Co-occurring disorders, such as ADHD, bipolar disorder, PTSD, and functional neurological disorder, add to the complexity of mental health challenges. While major depressive disorder, characterized by deep, persistent sadness, and anxiety disorders are also severe, many contend that BPD presents unique obstacles that significantly impact one’s quality of life. Addressing these complexities requires a nuanced understanding of the individual’s experiences and the interplay of genetic, social, and psychological factors.
The struggle with BPD, often overshadowed by misconceptions, highlights the need for effective treatments and compassionate support to improve the lives of those affected by this debilitating disorder. When discussing mental health, it's essential to recognize the unique burdens each condition can impose on individuals.
📹 Antisocial Personality Disorder, Causes, Signs and Symptoms, Diagnosis and Treatment.
Chapters 0:00 Introduction 0:29 Causes of Antisocial Personality Disorder 1:07 Signs and Symptoms of Antisocial Personality …
When i was a CHILD i remember telling my mom “i feel like I’m just sitting perusal everyone else live their life and I’m just perusal mine stand still.” She said “thats a sad way to feel”. Your mason jar analogy fits what ive felt my whole life. I start therapy this week. I’m 32! Looking forward to it!
“Maybe they’re worried about you because bpd plays tricks: maybe you’re gonna cheat on them, maybe you’re gonna die in an accident, maybe you’re gonna get kidnapped, I don’t know, so text them “I’m fine” and throw an emoji in there to make them feel better” LOL I feel targeted but that’s extremely accurate. I always feel better when my partner checks in with me and sends me a heart or whatever, it is like a weight lifted off of my chest because I know they are safe and alive and they still love me.
Today is Mother’s Day. I woke up early this morning to bake my mom a cake and make her breakfast in bed. She was very greatful then shut her door and turned her light off, and this triggered my fear of abandonment instantly making me feel terrible about myself. These negative thoughts kept compounding and I got very mad. When I came back into the house after a walk (which didn’t calm me down) my dog barked at me and I yelled at him, this caused my mom to come out of her room and scold me for yelling at him. My response was to yell at her “I don’t give a f what day it is, I’m running away” She tried to calm me down and talk through it but I just kept yelling and cussing before storming out. I had no desire to run away the entire time, I have no idea why I did that and it completely ruined her day. I just don’t understand why I reacted that way when I wasn’t mad at her, I now feel like self harming because I feel like this cannot be forgiven, she will forever remember this day for the negatives and the good things were pointless. I just wish I could go one day without screwing everything up.
I have a spouse who has BPD, we have been married for 15yrs and in the beginning we didn’t know what was going on. He just recently got diagnosed a few years back and it has been so incredibly hard. I started therapy and everything that you have said is what my therapist told me also to help at home. It does help I’m just trying to stay consistent.
When I hurt myself 3 weeks ago I rang the mental health team who were assessing me and their reply was “you have to wait until your next appointment 3 weeks away to be seen”!! No one came to check on me nor did they send me to inpatient! I wish there was more therapists like you, who take it very seriously.
My husband has recently been diagnosed with ‘B cluster traits’. I originally thought he was a narcissist but that didn’t seem to fully fit as he has genuine empathy and care for others. Then my friend who is a therapist mentioned BPD to me and it was like a light bulb switched on. Ive been researching like crazy since trying to figure out how I can manage and cope with thisbrelqtuonship whichbis heaven one moment and hell the next. Fortunately my husband is seeking help but he hasn’t understood fully or accepted his diagnosis yet and still thinks the problem lies with the people around him triggering him all the time. This article is so helpful and gives me much hope. Thank you. 🙏
I think the point of this article is that a parent can be diplomatic without backing down. If your child is screaming or threatening or whatever you must stand firm without returning the screams and threats. The parent should communicate that “what you are doing isn’t working on me, so let’s do something else.”
I have a BPD partner who also has anxiety disorder, complex PTSD, and depressive disorder. Omg what a handful… on one hand she is the most amazing woman I have ever met… I mean really incredible (and insanely beautiful). On the other hand this is like walking through a minefield blindfolded in clown shoes. I can’t respond to things as I would with other people and I’m getting to a point where I don’t respond at all. At a total loss if I’m honest but I’ll persevere as she is worth it. Your articles will hopefully help but remembering this when needed and heat of the moment can be hard.
BPD responses, like anger episodes, I always describe as “being a bigger threat than what hurt you” and then I feel IMMENSE guilt after it. it feels like I’m standing in the rubble I’ve created myself. This article is so validating. THIS is why your approach MATTERS to people with BPD. Thank you so, so much.
My wife and I have read and learned everything we could get our hands on. We have gotten our son all the professional help we could find. We have done absolutely everything we’re been told regarding family therapy. Nothing has improved his behavior. He seems to have no interest whatsoever to lift a finger to help himself. The mental and emotional health…and now physical health…of our family is being destroyed from the inside out. It’s been a nightmare…for 19 years. I now feel the priority should be to protect us from him. It’s time for him to want to get better…we can’t want it more than him.
This was the most helpful information I’ve ever found on BPD. Our loved ones need our support. Frankly, we need yours! I’d greatly appreciate more articles like this. In particular, some advice on helping a loved one to hear you when they’re hurt or angry. How can you encourage safe expression of those feelings before they lead to destruction? Also, how about tips on maintaining the kind of boundaries that can be perceived as rejection? Thanks for your help!
In the middle of trying to save my marriage. I believe my husband is exhibiting signs of BPD with rage outburts. His mother had BPD, and it was the most difficult thing we had to go through before she was properly diagnosed. My husband knows there’s something not right, and at times is eager to seek help. But that comes and goes based on his mood. He blames me for his outbursts of rage, so it is difficult for me to be the one to try and calm him when it’s happening. No one else is really close enough to him to see these behaviours and outbursts. I’m trying my best but don’t really know where to go from here. I appreciate your articles very much! Thank you for trying to help us, the loved ones who are desperately doing all we can.
I have just discovered your website recently and I feel so validated, I even happy-cried. I ordered your BPD Workbook, it’s very good! It doesn’t feel impossible anymore. It’s so hard to find educational resources online that don’t stigmatise BPD. Thank you for making your content readily available for those who can’t access it in other means.💗
Thank you so much for this explanation. My elderly mother and I now live together and after living alone for many years I am having some difficulty with bpd. I thought this was mostly in the past but living in close quarters is hard for me. My mom doesn’t understand and thinks that I’m terrible. I will be sharing your articles with her because I think it will help her understand. Thanks for the opportunity for us to get to a better understanding.
Dr. I watched your article and it just made me so sad. You are so compassionate and I really value your articles. I had worked really hard on myself and I improved. I was doing great being single. There was no stress of anyone cheating on me or lying or hiding things. But then i met this guy and he convinced me that he loved me a lot, he was showing ot in his gestures, promised me a beautiful life, was desperate to marry me and I clearly told him I have bpd, he saw my mood swings but he would try to change my mood, hold hands, be affectionate, made me feel loved. I was scared n told him he would change after marriage but he kept saying he would only get better n tht our relationship would be so beautiful. He said he read a lot about bpd n he understood me. I was extremely transparent with him about my past and told him many times to be transparent with me n I would keep saying tht n everytime he said he was. I got married to him thinking he really loved me n wasn’t marrying me for the heck of marrying but after marriage he just changed. He just stopped being affectionate the way he was but never admitted tht he did.he always said I was imagining but holding hands,kissing, communication everything went out of the window that too soon after marriage. Also he accused me of marrying him for money which hit me so hard. And soon after I found out that he had hidden a lot of things about his past. I found texts in his phone that were objectionable and he kept giving lame excuses, covering up.
A lot of people with BPD grew up with narcissistic parents who would have absolutely weaponised the BPD diagnosis against them. For example, if you are feeling really sad one day, they would use the fact you have BPD to gaslight you about it. So definitely don’t do the first one if you don’t want to accidentally trigger that. I was 27 years old before anyone ever told me my feelings were valid because I was so used to the gaslighting and minimising. That made a huge difference, although I often still question and gaslight myself as a result.
Dr Daniel Fox, thank you. I live in the UK and I have BPD. I have been waiting to start a programme to help me for over 2 years now, and things have been tough. But finding your website has helped me more than you could imagine. Thank you so much for explaining things, and going through the processes that occur on our brains, for helping us and for helping the people around us too!
My 10 years old daughter has most of the traits of BPD, but is still very controversial to diagnose it in children. I was a very young Latina mother and had to leave my child with my mother to be able to work and take my family out of poverty. When I came back after 5 year as a permanent resident in the US, she was emotionally broken and my family told my she was a victim of SA by a family member. I was totally destroyed. Now after finally being able to work remotely, I was able to reunite with her and give her all the Love and support she needs. Thank you for giving us hope!!this is not easy and overcoming guilt to take responsibility is also not easy. I hope you all continue to support your love ones and never give up on each other. That is the real tragedy. Thanks again for this amazing content
Thank you Dr Fox!! My now ex bf has BPD traits that prevent him from keeping a job and functioning fully. He has addiction issues also. I drove myself to the brink of insanity trying to rationalise with him. I felt as though I was developing BPD TRAITS MYSELF. Now I see that it was his maladaptive ways that prevented him from hearing me. I took it as disrespect and not caring since I was the one struggling to support us both . This was an eye opener. Will keep listening over and iver
I’m not for sure if my GF has it or not, but I suspect she does have BPD. After a couple of years, I’m just now “waking up” to the signs. I know she was mentally and physically abused when she was younger, but I didnt see the signs until now. I’m still learning and trying to figure out how deal with situations and I appreciate these articles to help. I hate that I lose my control time to time, but working and educating myself should help more. That being said, I feel like I have a hard time setting boundaries. I feel like I can’t even play article games downstairs with my friends. I find myself making excuses to them as why I can’t play with them, like being “too busy,” but in reality, I’m sitting with my GF perusal TV or enabling her habits to buy things. Lately, realizing that her impulsively, I’m trying to “slow” her down but I don’t know how to work on it properly or to set better boundaries there. Like the fact that she made three credit cards in my name because she went in a downward spiral of emotions at the time. I think she felt betrayed by her mother as my GF finally spoke up about the abuse from the past. I also feel like her mom is in denial, so it complicates this healing process so much more. During her time with her mom, she made it sound like she understood my GF and felt bad. But then a crap ton of items started coming in from Amazon. From little kitchen dishes, to 65″ tv, to a freaking pool. She was claiming it was her mom feeling bad and buying these thing for us, but I started suspecting it was my GF.
Dr.Daniel, you have changed not only my life but the life or my best friend. I have been perusal you for years. Now when me and my friend met I knew he had symptoms. Then something happened and he almost lost everything. I showed you to him snd he has done so much better and gotten the relationship with his family back. We both still are a work in progress like everyone else. But thank you for saving the trajectory of my life. I always thought I was just crazy!!
I didn’t follow up on the consequences for violating the boundaries I set (no yelling, no name calling…) and it got worse. I couldn’t tolerate more of it and I pointed out that behaviour as abusive and everything blew up again. Now he’s convinced I’m trying to prove he’s evil and antagonizing him. He said I’m a horrible person, toxic, that I broke us, that I need help… Next day, he left me. And I don’t know if his vision of me will change. Now it’s all a mix of feelings of hopelessness and injustice and the guilt of not having been able to manage it better. I thought I had nothing but love, patience and forgiveness for this relatioship, but I was sabotaging it without even realizing, by doing things I didn’t even know he was taking that way until he blew up. And at the same time I feel so resentful that he places all the blame on me. This article helps a lot with processing and understanding some things better. Thank you so much for sharing this knowledge. And sorry for venting here.
This is my first comment here..but I have. BPD and am in outpatient therapy for the moment due to a recent hospitalization..I totally lost it with my boyfriend..I grabbed a knife and cut myself several times and because my BPD was so out of control…when he came towards me I stabbed him in the arm…that was sooo out of character for me..even in my worst episodes previously I had never gone that far…and because of that I checked myself into the hospital I have learned these behaviors you talk about in the. article are skills I too am learning to better control my outbursts..just wanted to say thank you
It doesn’t seem like my parents are ever gonna watch these wonderful articles you share. I am trying my best to normalize the topic of mental health at home. In my third world country, the topic is kinda rejected. People are too dependant on surviving physically to worry about mental health. But for years, I have not stopped educating myself, so I can help myself. Maybe one day, I will truly succeed. Thank you, doc.
I wish I knew all these things before I played a big part in messing up a past relationship or at least having the mental resources and knowledge to walk away without being so aggressive! It only backfired on me in the end. I still act out to my family sometimes. This was enlightening and motivating for me to behave better and in a more rational way.
Learning everything you can teach. Starting to practice this and it is working! I am able to focus on my reactions when SO is flared. I am being vulnerable and honest without point fingers. Most importantly, regardless of the outcome, I can know that I am acting within my values. I need to work on enforcing boundaries because my inconsistency is a big issue.
This is one of the best articles you’ve done yet!!! Thank you so much. I struggle the most with my relationships and the lack of transparency and self contempt, well then rage and all that good bpd stuff. I was in remission for 8 years following two rounds of dbt and then one round of advanced dbt. I have fallen off the wagon and my symptoms are worse than ever. My new partner is struggling. You touched base on everything! I cannot wait. To show him this. I can never find the right articles to help him understand. Thank you Dr Fox!!!
Yes! Things can get better, there is hope and things worth trying for. Understanding, patience, care and transparency has done so much for the person I care so much about. It was frustrating looking things up online and seeing the negative attitudes from peers- it all seemed so counterproductive towards people with BPD symptoms. If anyone treats me the same way they treat people with BPD, I sure as heck know it makes my own depression worse!
I just lost my fiancé of 9 years and only just found this article. I wish I could have provided them with this so they would have been able to handle me better.. but I’ll use this article to keep in mind to try to better myself and seek professional help. Thank you so much. by the way your voice is calming. Reminds me of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. If you’re this great of a therapist as you are a person then I’d love to be your neighbor, haha Cheers 🖤 You’re a saint
Our 32 yr old Daughter has estranged us for 7 yrs now, as her Final Blow Up, at us, right after her beautiful wedding, on our farm. We walked on eggshells around her, since she was young, not to upset her in any way. We feel we spoiled or gave in to her, to keep her always happy & not blowing up. The only time she seemed to need us, was when she manipulated & wanted something from us. When she verbally abused us, we stayed quiet. When I, her mom, finally asked her, Why she lashed out at me? She responded, the stress from the wedding. I avoided her, the day of her wedding as much as I could, not to upset her again. What can we do?? We tried reaching out to her 3.5 yrs ago. She responded by also estranging both her brothers. Our therapist is guessing, she has BPD & is the one that needs to reach out & apologize? We don’t see that ever happening! We have mixed feelings, But our life is much more quiet & peaceful now. We miss our happier daughter!
Thank you for your insightful and thoughtful work. In my family DNA we have autism, OCD, BPD, Tourettes, and addiction. It is exhausting for all concerned. Truly exhausting. I know they can’t help it and need love and acceptance as humans. Parents – you are NOT to blame. Children – you are not to blame for your parent’s behavior. Nobody is to blame. It is a disease of the brain. Those that love someone with BPD, OCD, etc. et al are only responsible for not becoming codependent in the process.
Thanks for making those points. A lot of people I know either A) have no empathy whatsoever and do not believe in mental illness or B) also, don’t think how they treat me does or should influence how I feel or respond. Simply put, I am smart and should act right. I don’t try and ask them how to treat me, but I feel like if they had any idea about how I am and reasons for it, they would be more understanding. I have some good supports, others with illness and addiction who have helped me through treatment… but I am finding that clearly if you are around other generally angry, invalidating people… they may be in the mason jar of lonliness too but they can not or will not be able to act any differently, especially if they are convinced, ironically, in extreme black and white thinking. And yes Dr I agree— I am not “cured” but practicing the skills I have learned in treatment have resulted in significant remisson. Your articles have been very helpful I check them regularly the last several months, and thank you for your time!!
So with regards to the first point “don’t blame BPD”, what is your suggestion instead? How do you discuss a given behaviour that is very clearly driven by BPD, without calling it what it is? Is it best to simply leave BPD out of it entirely? I always felt like that would then make the pwBPD feel like a terrible person, so I’ve tried to (perhaps foolishly and backwardsly) always blame the negative behaviours on what is clearly the disorder. The girl about whom i’m referring is an incredibly good person. Among the best I’ve ever met. She’s good to people, to a fault. But when she splits, well, we know how that goes. I don’t want to make her feel like a bad person when she absolutely is not, but she exibits incredibly hurtful and abusive behaviours.
I understand, but what I also can’t do is constantly take blame and apologize for stuff I DID NOT DO. Especially when the other person is most likely doing 90% of the things I got blamed for doing/not doing and is constantly lying about stuff. It made me doubt myself so much that I had to keep telling myself it was the bpd to stay sane
Thank you for your compassion. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve been hurt by so called mental health professionals using language like “manipulation and tantrums.” I watch BPD articles hoping for useful information and compassion, but leave feeling unsafe and alone in the world yet again. Thanks again for presenting the facts in such a professional manner.
Can you please do a article on how to set boundaries for the holidays and/or special events? My husband will ruin just about every one over the last 29 years. I love holidays and special times. I want to enjoy them with the family. Been dealing with cancer the last 5 1/2 years. Time is precious. I want to figure it out in a healthy way for us all. A article for going on vacation would be great also. Thank you!
I am here as i have bpd but no loved one interested to listen this as they are narcisstic and antisocial personality disorder, but i learned alot about my bpd and their behaviours, i started setting boundaries with thm, started reapecting them, taking care of myself and comminucating my needs very very hard and painful stuff but rewarding and peaceful at end of day.
My son is dating a woman with BPD and she had a bad experience with a therapist when she was younger so she will not see another one. She is not on medication. She doesn’t have a fear of abandonment when she is triggering she wants out of the relationship and is terrible to him. I worry about his mental state sometimes.
This is the best explanation ive seen. My hubby has bpd traits and it took me 23 years to figure it out. My personality has changed and i have become an angry person because of living with it daily for so long. He makes me feel unvalidated and says he feels like a victim quite often. Our eldest daughter is a people pleaser which i think she may have developed at a young age because of her father’s bpd. I need to work on not triggering the behaviour by finger pointing. And councilling if he is open to it would help.
WoW, thank you for the great information. My son was diagnosed with bipolar about 5 to 6 years ago. A couple of days ago his Dr told him that she thought he has BPD. Our son has been doing research and can’t believe how much he feels like he definitely has BPD. Thank you for helping us, to know what to do in this matter. This is great, because now he can get the help he needs.
I truly love my exGF (she’s left me several times) but we’ve known each other for many years and I appreciate this article. Currently she’s walked away from me again blaming me for everything. I really try to work with her but impossible when she keeps leaving instead of resolving conflict & her abuse. I’m in her corner & I’ve told her this but to no avail. I guess I let her walk away for good.
Thank you so much for this article. You’re so spot on in each points (alcohol, non-stop texting) I live with someone who has a lot of BPD traits. Feels like riding a rollercoaster and live with a small kid who like throwing tantrums. I recognize the dynamic but don’t know how to handle it. So, many times just saying to myself “here we go again” and just buckle up. How to stop them using alcohol when they feel depressed, without hurting them? Thank you.
Thank you for breaking down bpd for me, my daughter has bpd and adhd, I am diagnosed with bpd traits, bpad and adhd. So communication is very challenging to say the least. I feel like I am at the whim of her BPD, nothing I do is right and I am reacting, giving in and doing all the wrong things. 😢it is so very sad, I just want a healthy relationship with my beautiful daughter. It seems everything we say sets the other off. I have saved this article and will watch it time and time again so it will sync in and perhaps in the future we can have a discussion and I can stay on track maybe.
So great to find this. Thank you. Tough because my partner is undiagnosed but having read lots now and also recognising the codependency traits I’ve been bringing to the dynamic I’m pretty much convinced that this is it. I recognise what I need to do and am working hard on myself to make changes but how far can that go when she is oblivious to the BPD detail? There is no way she would accept this and she is so on edge that I worry it could push her over the edge of this were brought into the mix.
How do you help your loved one recognize that they may have a disorder such as this? The anger and rage as well as emotional hurt they feel can make it impossible for the people who love them to confront the need for help. Also, many therapists miss the diagnosis. I have come to realize that education and proper treatment is the only way for the BPD to find coping skills and achieve emotional stability and regulation. However, in my experience it is hard for the BPD person to recognize that they may be seeing everything from the victim perspective. Often not realizing at all how loved they are and that if they were to get the help they need, life can be enjoyable and rewarding again.
I WAS in a relationship with someone who had BPD. I left because dealing with it was killing me. I was doing everything that you said in this article but it wore me down to a serious point and my health was in jeopardy. The consequence for his bad behavior was me calling 911 almost once a month and he was arrested for battery. The more I did for him, the more he expected. So I left. My mental and physical health has greatly improved by being away.
I been having a hard time setting boundaries with my sister because of bpd. Specially when she have psychotic episodes. She is physically violent since she was a child, and when I point out in a very respectful way that how important for me is keeping my space and relationships apart, she wants to be in by her own matters. So, she hurts my friends, coworkers and partners because (in her words) I cannot be happy when she’s suffering. Is really hard to set boundaries with an extreme case of BPD. I love her, but I cannot live this way. This articles are very helpful, because I feel so hopeless everyday.
My fiance has BPD. I learned this when we first met, and I’ve tried to be supportive, patient, and understanding. And I have certainly been honest and upfront with him about everything, but he still thinks I lie to him, or hide things from him. I think he is projecting because of his past. What can I do to form stronger trust with him?
I feel these suggestions make senses, I’m going to put it in practice. I realized that I already did some of the suggestions to a lesser extent. I may did it unconsciously, such as I put boundaries but I didn’t communicate that, hoping that the BPD person would learn those boundaries themselves. And also I avoid placing blame on them or the BPD but I did that the hard way, means that I really shut my mouth and only talk when being asked. That’s why I think these make sense and I hope I can really make these work… Thank you Dr. Fox…
For years I have been struggling to find the words to say without confusing the person when it comes to explaining the way I feel and how I cant control it no matter how HARD I try! My counselor doesn’t know anything about BPD, so basically I’m only seeing my counselor for ny generalized anxiety disorder… but I feel that its more my BPT that is affecting me 🙁 .. its so bad now to where I forget EVERYTHING so easily (now I control the frustration I feel when I can’t remember anything, I always cry) I live in such a small community(reservation), we don’t have many programs or people who are trained and licensed for these things. I started feeling hopeless in ever getting better, im so desperate to feel happy and enjoy doing things. I really wish I had you to talk to! I NEED SOMEONE LIKE YOU IN LIFE TO TALK TO!!!!! <3 Your articles have been giving me hope lately. I thank God everyday for coming across your article this one day on youtube cause I really needed it. I always feeling so hopeless and tired of trying to figure out whats wrong with me and how will I ever overcome my BPD without help that specializes in BPD.. Would u ever think about doing online sessions for people that don't have the right help and don't live near you? If so, I would definitely pay for online sessions with you!!!!!!! <3 <3
This is a helpful for people with BPD. And I’m glad that Dr. Fox has compassion for people that deal with this very painful disorder. And this presentation was helpful for family members who live with people who struggle with BPD. HOWEVER, what about the mental health and frankly physical safety of spouse of the undiagnosed BPD patient? My son’s wife has almost every trait of BPD to a T, but doesn’t want to follow through with therapy. He has been verbally abused constantly, physically attacked on multiple occasions, she’s come at him with a knife, been woken up in the middle of the night by her screaming at him hysterically for some perceived slight, she’s kicked in the back of his car. On and on the crazy goes. He is way beyond wanting to help her, he needs help finding the strength to escape all of this senseless abuse. I realize she has difficulty controlling her emotions, but there comes a point in time when the abuse has been so damaging so long that there is no way back to a good livable relationship. What should he do? I fully realize that his leaving is what she most fears but for his sanity and indeed, his physical safety he has to get out of this horrible situation. A patient with BPD cannot expect the world to tiptoe them around measuring every word they say to them or to carefully monitor every facial expression. It is too much. My daughter in law has simply done so many awful things that she is ensuring her self-fulfilling prophecy of her screaming “You hate me! You’re going to leave me!
I was In remission for years and years (I discovered before traits were recognised) unfortunately a really unhealthy relationship sent back into them 4 years ago.. hence how I discovered the pbd traits… now I know it is possible, I did it alone. Healthy friends, work you enjoy, exercise external activities all really help!! I have been delving into my traumas ( I had compartmentalised for years) it was not my fault! Thankfully I don’t have rage or do anything manipulative consciously, but my anxiety and trouble on relationships is real!! Especially after a succession of failed relationships… mapping the patterns… thank you… so much! We have to admit there is a problem (the hardest thing to do) look for triggers, and manage internal emotions compassionately!! Compassion for self being the BIGGEST part (for me) 💋
Honestly I love your articles i just don’t like that you included parents in this without context since most of the borderlines I know, myself included, formed the disorder because of those very same parents. In Truth, my mother read books on how to deal with me without ever accepting she had something to do with it which just perpetuated the issues even more until I did my own research and tried to grow from it. The entire thing made me feel wrong for how I felt which is the core of the borderlines psychology.
Thanks kindly for this article. My partner, and adoptee, with whom I now have 2 toddlers, present all the signs of BPD. After a bit more that one year of problem free relationship, a monster came out. Physical violence, gaslighting, lies and continuous anger and fights… Now, after almost 3 years in total everything remains almost the same and I don’t manage to get her to seek help. So I have realised that I have to do something myself, try to understand, adapt, solve, and act to secure everything so that nobody gets hurst, specially our two children. This article provides me with invaluable information.Thank you.
Thanks Dr. Fox. This was helpful. It may be nice one day to make a article talking about ways low or mid borderline individuals’s traits manifest/examples based on DSM criteria. When I look at ones or hear examples of splitting, anger, impulse, fear of abandonment, the examples are not as “nuanced” causing me to question if it’s BPD, ADHD, or anxiety for certain things. This can make it hard to understand the real root of the issue. Thanks for your website!
I would love if my family take this seriously, they have put me in the black sheep role, and some push me back to that place when they see success, and when they see hardship simply stop contact or are very harsh to me so I go no contact, since I was a child I have had intense BPD symptoms, my family are christians, so is harder to explain that is a real thing, and not my pleasure or a demon inside me . This touched me so much as allot of your articles have. thank you Dr., I hope life is and will be loving to you and your close ones, as this is priceless for people like me, Saludos desde México
I love your articles including this one. I’m 90% sure I have BPD and so do most people who know me. My only issue with what you said is forcing someone into inpatient. If I think that someone can and will make me go inpatient I will never trust you again. I would cut off all contact with that person, even if it’s a family member. I have bills to pay and a full time job and if im forced to go into inpatient and it screws my entire life up or causes me to be in trouble with work or miss important appointments, that person is dead to me. Or if im having a terrible episode and already feeling at an all time and im threatened with inpatient or if I think someone called and im being looked for I would literally tell work I had a family emergency and go straight to airport and get on a flight and disappear. I would hide out to the fullest extent and not contact anyone and would probably get a new phone and deactivate all social media. Inpatient is terrible, it’s only 1 step up from jail and I won’t let anyone take my freedom away from me bc I had a bad episode.
I am worn out. My youngest has been diagnosed with “Borderline personality disorder features” . He experience terrible childhood trauma. The splitting, rage, paranoia towards me and is wearing me out. I hurt so for him and have tried to be supportive. I don’t ever say it is BPD. I validate his feelings, etc. He is 37, functions well at work but has problems in relationships. I have had to detach. Sadly, I don’t want to try or be subjected to his behavior to the point I almost don’t care. I have never felt like this. He is 37 and has his own home. But, during his rage episodes I have felt phyisically afraid of him. I love your advice on setting boundries. Wish he and or I could see you.
Amazing! i’ve just started studying this topic specifically, i don’t have bpd but I’m in the area of psychology and i know people which suffer with such disorders and this is truly helpful and informative, very insightful compared to my previous “unintentional ignorance” Thank you very much Dr. Fox.
Wow! A lot of this stuff I already knew. But it is put in a way that really helps me have a healthy strategy with my wife.. She gets me so mad I have thrown thinges. Not at her of course. I struggle with anger and depression which is a tough combo to have with a partner with BPD. I am ashamed to say that I have said HORRIBLE things to her. And hearing I need to do what I say and say what I mean would give her so much more stability at home and when I fail she gets upset and that hits the throttle on the anger I feel at my self for failing. Long story longer, this encourages me to be more on my stuff for her and myself. Thank you
This morning I woke up to my mom with BPD whispering about me in my room saying she hated me, I’m a bitch, I’m fat, etc. I already struggle with low self esteem so it was rough. I don’t know if it was the right move but I tried my best to just pretend I was asleep. She won’t accept the diagnosis of BPD but it doesn’t change anything anyway. People with BPD are really hard to love. Definitely worthy of the love, just hard to love.
I wish I had people in my life that were this positive. I have become very isolated over the last few years post severe trauma for anyone, but for someone like us, it was a nightmare. I was completely alone, living on the streets of a dangerous city when my car was stolen by my ex who was high and I, very sober because that’s how I roll,) was stranded. Two classic case BPD of different types in a calm time, undiagnosed and untreated got married and I’m grateful to be alive.
Your articles are so helpful. I’m with the UK mental health team and they are low on resources so ive been put to side. But you allowance me learn about myself. l Ive had a huge episode recently my parter doesn’t say this is you BPD but he does say “why are you like this” “why do you think that” stuff like that which triggers me so bad that I have stopped talking and unfortunately build that urge stronger. He’s watched this article though and it’s helped him understand a bit more
This just happened today with my son, who has BPD traits. perusal this helped me tonight because I allowed myself to get triggered by his words. The blaming came up and words were said. Yes, this son of mine can make me so angry with some of these maladaptive behaviors. So, I appreciate this reminder! 💯👍🏻
I have BPD, ADHD, traits of histrionic PD and dependent PD. With this I have generalized anxiety disorder and major depression which I think is misdiagnosed. I feel I have bipolar 2 or at the very least cyclothymic disorder. I try not to get caught up in the labels but it’s hard. At the very worst of the extreme, I have had decades of heavy intravenous drug use which has physically affected me severely. I am doing DBT at the moment and have amazing therapists. I have been clean and sober for 3 years now. There is hope. I can’t, we can! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I feel bad that I never knew my partner had BPD; it was only after he left me that I figured it out. He’s undiagnosed but your articles gave me an idea that he is BPD based on your criteria. I wish I could’ve helped him get the help that he needed. He thought he was just depressed and has anxiety because of the pandemic.
I find these articles invaluable, Dr. Fox. Thank you for making this content freely available ❤️ Making plenty of notes from this one in particular. My BPD (undiagnosed) partner keeps trying to dredge up past hurts during her episodes. My sleep patterns are messed up due to long hours working from home and the fact that she is retired (interrupts frequently) and has few close friends. I’m starting to suffer from anxiety running on 4-6 hrs sleep a day and having to endure her anxiety about me putting in long hours. My only uninterrupted work is at night, but I also find it harder to concentrate then. Can’t afford an office outside of the home currently. I need to get back into regular exercise and contra with friends. It seems like every time I get of the phone with my kids, I perceive some kind of tension about the attention that she is envious of. I’m feeling isolated and drained. Sorry. I just needed to vent.
Thanks for explaining so well. My wife and I are 71. I have not heard about BPD before a psychologist friend recently advised checking it out. For years, our son who is 44 now, has had these explosive sudden anger rages for many years. In under 5 seconds, he will go from complete calm, suddenly to red faced, consumed with rage. Most often towards me, only a few inches from my face in the most threatening way. I get very frightened, especially as I am old and not well. It seems to be triggered by anything I say that he doesn’t agree with. Sometimes, he follows up with hitting me. My son lives about 30 kms away, but visits every month or two, mainly to see his Mum. His wife divorced him after only 5 years, she said, partly due to mental health issues (without being specific). My son never does the rage when my wife is present. So she is not aware of this. I am not sure what to do and maybe you could make a few suggestions how we can best help him?
Thank you for your articles. I’m not diagnosed but i strongly suspect that i have BPD. I have a 3-years relationship, we were getting along very well but i started getting crazy when my boyfriend moved to another city for his university. I showed this article to him and he said that he didn’t want to talk about mental illnesses… I want to get better with BPD but i don’t know how to do it without his help and understanding 🙁
My ex used to say “thats your bpd” and things like that. I got it in my head that he could seperate bpd from me so I continued acting out those behaviours because I thought he could tell when it was me and not me. everything became bpd when i was upset about anything he did, or if i had needs in the relationship. Well, he’s my ex. 4-5 years down the drain.
I found this to be helpful. You are so right on point with continue to take care of yourself even if going on with my own life makes me feel terrible while I am out there thinking of my son who is home alone, feeling lonely and trapped. It’s sometimes hard for me to get him off my mind while life is passing him by,
Thank you Daniel, this is so helpful. Im crying with relief, that I feel I understand how it is for my Bpd lady and myself, as a favorite person for a loved one. They’re so special, Bpd people have such a unique p.o.v and are so open hearted and real, and I get more of an idea of what they go through, with your articles.. also how important it is to look after ourselves. With boundaries and knowing there are ways to evolve, and that I have my own issues like ptsd etc. We are all walking each other home together ❤️ 🙏🏻 Haha, I love the way you say something like.. Bam, throw an emoji in there! 😂 Fun days and satisfying, personal growth in life are important ✨️ 🙌
Oh wow… Dr Fox you always bring my life clarity in my bpd mess. I have never been able to explain the daily feeling of my life…. and then I listen to y p ur mason jar analogy and it just hit home. I wish you were my therapist …. I have had a horrible week and trying so hard not be maladaptive. ….
One important question I found to ask in addressing boundaries in a nonpathologizing way is, “How can we hold space for both of our needs when they seem to run counter to the other’s and understand them as ‘different,’ rather than ‘right, wrong, more or less important,’ and negotiate a middle ground that does not require either one of us to self-abandon?”
Thank you Dr. FOX for your articles. Can you please make a article on boundaries with someone with BPD? I have generalized anxiety depression and my boyfriend was diagnosed with BPD, 3 months after we started dating. Our relationship is very challenging. I am not a perfect person and I dont expect him to be perfect either. I love him and I am trying to learn how we can have a healthy relationship. Can you please help?
Good content, thank you. I am perusal to figure out how to navigate marital life. It’s usually good, but I can tell my spouse has been struggling more than usual. Then I realize that I, too, carry BPD traits! My momused to threaten that she would give me away, and she was abusive. Therefore, my attachment style serms to be dismissive. That cannot be helpful to a perfectly loving spouse who tends to feel isolated. I will try to do better on my end.
Suggestions on how to find a therapist well versed in working with BPD patients? Should the spouse and children of someone with BPD see the same therapist or what kind of therapist should they seek? My therapist, pastor, and a few friends suggest we do marriage counseling but I’m not sure that is wise until my husband is willing to do his own therapy. What do you think? Married 20+ years, parents to 5 children.
can be v challenging when your buttons are being pushed. I know its good to be ahead of the game with how I am feeling and trying to maintain my own regulation. When it has been a long day or life is stressful it is v challenging. I have taken to walking away when I am triggered but this can blow up my child sometimes (they are 21years)
Truly an amazing article. You’re obviously not just another hope dealer… But there is one huge question I have that you did not address… Dr. Fox. Can you offer any specific recommendations regarding how to enforce violated boundaries?? I’ve thought about this so much and can’t seem to find an adequate solution. Let’s say, for example, that the borderline individual becomes violent. What sort of “punishment” for that violation can you imagine might reinforce the original boundary without dire consequences??
Hi Dr. Fox, I hope you’re doing well! 💗 Like so many others here, I strongly agree that your website has brought much needed clarity & hope to us. I’m interested in learning more about managing my BPD traits with DBT. Do any of your worksheets or books discuss strategies that can be self taught? Thanks again for your hard work and dedication. It’s truly changing my life for the better.
My SO suffers from BPD. He split 2 weeks ago over a seemingly innocuous comment that I made. I didn’t understand what was happening and responded in a way that caused him to slam the door even harder. He’s in therapy and has been for years. He won’t respond to me. I’m sure I’ve done everything “wrong”. I still message him every day to remind him how important he is to me. He hasn’t blocked me. Am I just making it worse?
thank you. my partner doesnt have the possibility to get diagnosed, but ive been suspecting for months that he may have bpd. when googlinf how to deal with certain situations (that revolve around my partner havinf bpd) i usually find guides and help that consists on breaking up with him. finding advice that doesnt directly tell you that you should break up wuth someone who suffers from bpd because they have bpd is somethifn that i aprreciate.
My spouse was diagnosed w Bipolar, Borderline, Pure OCD w intrusive thoughts. All of this after he was sexually inappropriate w a client. It has been a devastating time in our lives. Finding a therapist or Dr in our area as knowledgable as yourself on BPD is almost non existant. Im exhausted. I almost feel like i never want to come home anymore. I get accused of non existant things which then put me on the defensive. angry and bewildered. I worry about the emotional damage he causef to our children and wonder DAILY if I should leave. Thank you for ALL your articles at least it helps me to understand why he acts in crrtain ways.
Trigger warning: Mentions of Self injury and ideation. Read at your own discretion: I’m someone who has recovered from BPD. I no longer meet criteria and havent for some time. There are definitely some remnants of the disorder I still work on. Relationships remain the hardest for me. I stopped cutting several years ago now. I didnt keep track of the date..but it’s been at least 4 since my last relapse into self injury. It was through the help of a therapist. For me personally I was able to accept that self injury was a form of self loathing. A coping mechanism of taking it all out on myself..because the abusers in my life at the time when it started (parents) had all the power, and they wouldnt accept responsibility for hurting me. I think there are enough stories to suggest that persons with BPD had a narcissistic parent themselves. Narcissism is rife with gaslighting, scapegoating…and these things the borderline experiences as constant invalidation (because it is). In my experience, the constant invalidation was all consuming. It caused me to become defensive, withdrawn, reactive to the slightest thing.
Thank you for this. There’s very little out there that suggests hope. My fiancé is brilliant writer, poetic, insightful, deep, affectionate. Yet highly unstable. (Better now that I encouraged him to get on meds and into more relevant therapy; he’s doing both individual and group weekly with a focus on anger management.) I think he has a mix of borderline, paranoid, and maybe histrionic and narcissistic traits. The trend right now is to tell anyone with an unstable, sometimes abusive partner that he’s a narcissist. This has been very confusing, as narcissists apparently lack empathy and depth and my guy is pretty empathetic and usually extremely deep. It all changes when they get triggered. So long as I was thinking in terms of narcissism I was baffled. But realizing that mixed personality disorder with many borderline traits is a better fit brings much more clarity. I ordered the book How to Talk to People with BPD which thankfully acknowledges that men as well as women have the disorder. No wonder I never felt really at home in the many online narcissistic abuse support groups. Narcissists tend to be cold and superficial. Men with BPD can be warm and complex though emotionally disturbed.
This is really good, thank you! I shared it with my partner so we can watch it together and discuss it. As a BPD person, one little lightbulb moment for me in this article was when you mentioned thinking that my partner might have died in a car accident when I don’t hear from them – it made me laugh, because I didn’t realize other people have that worry, but of course it makes sense now that you mention it 😅 My partner has ADHD and has always struggled with remembering to let me know when they’re coming home from work, for example. We agreed to share our locations with each other through Google Maps. I find it helpful, but I noticed one potential pitfall to watch out for – sometimes it shows my partner’s location at a particular business, like a restaurant or store, and I might jump to conclusions that they went there. But actually they were just driving by and Google Maps highlighted that business. So I have to remember not to jump to conclusions when there could be other explanations, or the technology makes mistakes from time to time. But I think with appropriate boundaries and mutual consent, it could be a helpful tool in a relationship.
Thanks. I struggle with being transparent since she is so motionally volatile and will use my thoughts and feelings as a reason to escalate. For instance, If I admit that I didn’t return her call promptly because I was visiting with someone, she is likely to erupt in a jealous rage, so I’ll say my phone died…I will actually lie to avoid conflict.
If you suspect your partner is living with BPD but they’re having a hard time actualizing how they feel, what’s the best way to communicate with them why you feel like they need to seek specific help and possible diagnosis of what exactly they’re dealing with? Often times I find that when I try to encourage my partner with accepting that there are certain behavior patterns that I notice it overwhelms her and our communication falters because what I’m saying may be too much for her at the time. Even if we started the conversation when we were both calm and in a good state of mind.
Also it’s important to note, people experience their bpd differently, so try to understand what really constitutes your partner, apart from their illness too. So you can understand what is really getting to them, and validate their feelings and their concerns don’t dismiss anything if are on about something that’s a presumption try to understand what they are basing it on, and how it’s through their eyes instead of discounting their reaction. Also try to encourage self-awareness so they are able to reflect and understand their behaviour and improve it. Push and pull behaviour is common, so try to figure out what actually instigates it, make them reconnect with the good in you or the relationship, when all she does is fixate on the bad. She is a person outside of her dysfunction, encourage that side of her. Encourage her interests and passions so it can keep the boredom and emptiness at bay.:)
I love the analogy of being stuck in mason jar can totally relate! Especially since this pandemic has started. My BPD has gotten much worse and I have stated to disassociate something I haven’t done in a long time. Do you have any advice for people with bpd who are having troubles with dissasocition and partial memory loss?
How would one be able to apply these tips in a mutually heavily co-dependent relationship? I have severe ADHD and struggle with depression so it’s challenging to build a social circle and take good care of myself. I depend on my BPD partner as much as they depend on me so boundaries and trying to reward the respect of them is difficult considering I don’t separate from them and we share friends. Thank you for this article and your other vids, this is helping me a ton! Despite our mental health struggles and being untreated and not in therapy, we have been in a strong relationship for 10 years now <3 I just want to get better to be able to help her too.