Co-parenting, also known as joint parenting or shared parenting, is the process of raising children as a single parent after separation or divorce. It is a collaborative approach where both parents work together and share the responsibilities of raising their child, even if they are no longer married or in a romantic relationship. A successful co-parenting agreement prioritizes the children’s wellbeing, and it requires flexibility, patience, open and consistent communication, and a willingness to negotiate, compromise, and be resilient.
Creating an effective co-parenting plan requires maintaining a cooperative and respectful relationship between the parents. Recognizing the signs of inappropriate co-parenting can help prevent it from affecting the children. Dating a single mom should be similar to dating a woman without kids, with fun, romance, and enjoyment.
Co-parenting arrangements require both parents to put aside their personal differences to develop a parenting plan that is in the best interest of their child’s development. Prioritizing custody time over dating time is essential for a healthy co-parenting relationship.
Co-parenting while in a relationship can be tough, but it is possible to maintain a healthy co-parenting situation. It is important to respond calmly and avoid emotional responses from your ex-partner. Your fiancee must understand that you co-parent your children with their mother and that will not change.
Timing is crucial when introducing new partners, and some co-parents may never have the time to move on at some point. A list of rules to follow for peaceful and effective co-parenting includes keeping it simple, introducing new partners, and maintaining open communication. By following these tips, you can create a successful co-parenting arrangement that prioritizes your child’s well-being and the well-being of your family.
| Article | Description | Site |
|---|---|---|
| My girlfriend is uncomfortable with my co-parenting style. … | Understand that co-parenting doesn’t come naturally and immediately to everyone, and your girlfriend is most likely doing the best she can … | medium.com |
| Advice? My ex girlfriend wants to co parent with me our 7 … | You will be on the hook for child support and that is probably why she is hounding you about having a baby with you. She’s an ex for a reason. | quora.com |
| Co-Parenting is F*cking Hard; How to Co-Parent Elegantly | That means, you don’t respond with emotion. You don’t absorb the energy that is coming from your ex. Instead, bring the energy back to calm. | gabriellehartley.com |
📹 The hard work of co-parenting with a narcissist
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE …
What Is Inappropriate Co-Parenting While In A Relationship?
Signs of a new partner overstepping boundaries include making significant parenting decisions, interfering with parent communication, and inappropriately disciplining the child. Inappropriate co-parenting, characterized by unsupportive actions toward the other parent's relationship with the children, can harm the child's wellbeing and development. The first step to preventing such behavior is to clarify boundaries among all involved—parents, new partners, and children.
Effective co-parenting relies on mutual support and communication, as poor interactions can lead to conflict and tension. Recognizing inappropriate co-parenting signs allows for early intervention, which is critical for maintaining healthy relationships and minimizing stress for the child. Bad co-parenting dynamics often stem from one parent undermining the other, such as criticizing them in front of the child or attempting to win their affection through material means.
Ultimately, the goal of co-parenting is to provide children with stability and positive relationships with each parent. Successfully managing co-parenting, even amid changes like new partners, involves collaboration and respect, ensuring that children's best interests remain paramount.
What Is An Example Of Bad Co-Parenting?
In co-parenting, effective communication and collaboration between parents are essential for the child's well-being. However, certain behaviors can significantly hinder this process, leading to co-parenting problems and negatively impacting custody chances. Key detrimental actions include venting or criticizing the other parent, bad-mouthing them in front of the child, and being inflexible regarding parenting time. Such behaviors not only create a toxic environment but may also affect the child's mental health and future relationships.
Bad co-parenting is characterized by constant arguing, a lack of cooperation on significant decisions, and fostering a negative perspective about the other parent. This can stem from unresolved feelings of distrust, anger, or resentment. When children observe their parents arguing or expressing negative sentiments about each other, they may feel compelled to take sides, which can lead to triangulation. Signs of a toxic co-parent include self-centeredness, a lack of emotional support, and attempts to manipulate the child against the other parent.
Recognizing and addressing these detrimental patterns is crucial for enhancing the co-parenting relationship and ensuring a healthier environment for the child. Ultimately, prioritizing cooperative parenting and open communication will serve both parents and the child's best interests.
How Do You Deal With Inappropriate Co-Parenting?
Recognizing inappropriate co-parenting signs is crucial to prevent negative impacts on children. Visualize schedules, create a written parenting plan, and accurately calculate parenting time. Effective communication about exchanges, education, and medical needs is essential for co-parents. Always prioritize the child’s needs in interactions, as this maintains focus on shared parenting responsibilities. To handle a difficult co-parent, lead with kindness while keeping communication open yet protective of the child.
Identify specific behaviors that contribute to co-parenting tension and establish boundaries where necessary. While navigating these dynamics, focus on positive communication and aim to foster a respectful relationship. It's important to keep conversations child-centric, minimize conflicts, and choose battles wisely. Custody agreements often include provisions against disparaging comments, emphasizing the need for consistent co-parenting. Inconsistent parenting leads to confusion; thus, setting clear expectations is vital.
Gather evidence of harassment if issues arise and consult professionals when necessary. Accept that you cannot control an ex-partner’s choices, but can model positive behavior for your children. Educate them appropriately based on their maturity, offer them advice on handling their feelings, and strive to maintain a calm environment. Prioritize kindness and emotional control, shielding children from conflict and fostering a supportive co-parenting atmosphere.
What Is Considered Bad Co-Parenting?
Bad co-parenting arises from unresolved feelings like resentment and anger, leading to detrimental behaviors that prioritize competition over a child's wellbeing. Common issues include one parent trying to control the other, expecting perfection from the child, and using gifts to buy their love. Harassment and constant insults towards the other parent can create a hostile environment, impacting the child. This is often termed parental alienation, which risks loss of custody. Recognizing signs of inappropriate co-parenting is crucial for preserving child relationships and custody rights.
Inappropriate behaviors may include undermining the other parent’s role, poor communication, and neglecting the child's needs. Examples of bad co-parenting include constant arguments in front of children, using the child as a messenger, and making derogatory comments about the other parent. These behaviors disrupt effective co-parenting, which requires collaboration and open communication rather than conflict.
To ensure successful co-parenting, it's essential to maintain clear boundaries, respect the other parent's role, and focus on the child's needs. By understanding these negative patterns, parents can take steps to rectify their behavior and create a healthier environment for their children. Acknowledging personal feelings and enhancing communication strategies are vital for positive co-parenting outcomes.
What Is Co-Parenting In A Divorce?
Co-parenting traditionally encompasses any adult, including extended family and friends, assisting parents in raising children. This concept gained attention in divorce and custody contexts since the 1970s. Healthy co-parenting involves creating collaborative plans regarding visitation schedules to ensure both parents can spend quality time with their children. It recognizes the importance of acknowledging children's need for both parents. Essentially, co-parenting signifies that separated or divorced parents work together as colleagues in parenting, prioritizing their child's interests.
Effective communication and coordination between parents are crucial for successful co-parenting arrangements, particularly post-divorce, as these relationships can significantly influence children’s emotional well-being and development. Poor cooperation may negatively impact their mental health, highlighting the need for intentional planning and mutual responsibility. Co-parenting emphasizes delivering consistent love, stability, and security to children, often involving various types of arrangements tailored to specific family dynamics.
In co-parenting relationships, the focus remains on fulfilling the child's needs, ensuring they maintain a healthy connection with both parents. This collaborative framework ultimately aims to provide the necessary support for children’s growth and development, reinforcing the idea that shared responsibilities enhance parental involvement, even after separation.
What Are The 3 Types Of Co-Parenting?
Experts categorize co-parenting arrangements into three main models: parallel parenting, cooperative co-parenting, and conflicted co-parenting. Co-parenting post-divorce or separation is vital for providing a stable environment for children. Separated parents, whether divorced, annulled, or legally separated, often adopt various parenting styles, significantly influencing how they raise their children after parting ways.
In her book, "The Good Divorce," Dr. Ahrons illustrates several co-parenting categories, emphasizing the importance of co-parenting for children's healthy development and adjustment to changes in family dynamics. These three types are defined as follows:
- Cooperative Co-Parenting - Involves parents working together harmoniously, often sharing similar parenting approaches.
- Parallel Co-Parenting - Characterized by parents minimizing direct interactions, operating independently while maintaining the child’s needs as the priority.
- Conflicted Co-Parenting - Involves high levels of conflict or disagreement between parents, which can negatively affect the children's well-being.
Family lawyers highlight the various co-parenting arrangements, noting how their effectiveness varies based on how well parents can manage their relationships. Research indicates that children from divorced families may face challenges, making effective co-parenting essential. Dr. Mavis Hetherington's classifications further reinforce the prevalent types: conflicted, cooperative, and parallel. Understanding these models helps in navigating post-divorce parenting effectively and ensuring a more stable environment for children.
Is Co-Parenting Considered A Relationship?
Co-parenting, sometimes referred to as a "parenting partnership," involves two parents who are no longer in a romantic relationship but are committed to raising their children together. This arrangement typically occurs after a divorce or separation, allowing both parents to actively participate in their child's life despite not living together or being romantically involved. It is distinct from single parenting, where one parent is entirely absent. Healthy co-parenting focuses on collaboration, requiring the development of a structured plan that includes visitation schedules and shared decision-making regarding the child’s welfare.
This cooperative model emphasizes the importance of both parents being involved in daily responsibilities, support, and the upbringing of their children. Co-parenting can sometimes be challenging, especially when personal feelings are involved, but a successful partnership centers on the well-being of the child. The key components of effective co-parenting include establishing boundaries, maintaining open communication, and being flexible to accommodate each parent's individual circumstances.
There are various types of co-parenting arrangements, and while amicable cooperation is ideal, the reality can vary significantly. Ultimately, co-parenting prioritizes the child's needs and seeks to create a nurturing environment, regardless of the parents' relationship status.
Do I Need To Know My Co-Parent'S Life Outside Of Parenting?
Co-parenting, also known as shared parenting, involves two parents collaboratively raising their children post-separation or divorce. While it's natural to desire familiarity with a co-parent’s partner, especially if they will interact with the child, excessive prying can lead to distrust and tension. It's essential to maintain a healthy distance regarding each other's personal lives outside of parenting; this helps preserve cooperative dynamics necessary for effective co-parenting.
Acknowledging the significance of the child's other parent is vital, as both share responsibilities for co-parenting success. One must be cautious about not repeating past conflicts, even if the divorce was amicable. Developing a clear plan can alleviate uncertainties and foster smoother interactions.
While parents have rights regarding the whereabouts of their children during the other parent’s time, one should respect personal boundaries that do not impact the child's welfare. Cooperation hinges on mutual respect, with neither parent infringing on the other's private life unless it directly affects the child's interests. Ultimately, peaceful co-parenting benefits the children most, and parents should seek constructive ways to communicate and coordinate on parenting duties while ensuring each other’s personal space is respected.
What Are The Boundaries Of Co-Parenting?
Co-parenting boundaries are essential for effective parenting after separation, promoting improved communication and less conflict. Establishing healthy boundaries helps focus on the child's welfare by delineating the expectations and limits each parent agrees upon. These boundaries can include clear communication channels, visitation schedules, respect for privacy, and collaboration on parenting responsibilities. Parents are encouraged to separate personal feelings from parenting decisions and be honest about child-related expenses.
Examples of boundaries involve sticking to a co-parenting plan, limiting communication to logistics, and maintaining professionalism. Healthy boundaries create a structured environment, making transitions smoother for children and providing consistency. It's crucial to adhere to agreed-upon routines and rules to ensure both parents are on the same page. Furthermore, respecting each other's personal lives fosters a cooperative co-parenting relationship, ultimately benefiting the children's well-being. Implementing these boundaries will help navigate the challenges of co-parenting and establish a new normal after a romantic relationship ends.
📹 Why you can’t tell your kids how badly your narcissistic coparent treats you
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE …
I didn’t know about narcissism when I divorced my children’s biological dad in the mid 90’s. It was exhausting as he got the courts to have a “special Judge” that tried our divorce in 4 separate 8 hour sessions. He was such a great actor. Crying on the stand that if his kids needed braces, he would make sure they would get braces. I am sure you won’t be surprised when you hear that after this was over, he canceled his insurance for the kids and I paid for the braces. I did not know what I was dealing with and there was no information on narcissism. I just knew that something was really, really wrong. I am glad to hear that I did the right thing and did not disparage him. It was really hard and opportunities to do that seemed never ending. But the end result is that when my children grew up, they saw for themselves what was true and their decision to not have contact with him was their decision.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. This is right on time. My narc ex-husband was supposed to drop my son off at 10 and called earlier to say an emergency happened and he can’t bring him. I’m trying to suppress those really mean thoughts of wishing he’d just drop dead because it would make my life so much easier. Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms in this community—I hope you have a beautiful day whether it’s with your children or not.
My sister struggled through a spiteful custody battle & been coparenting with her ex narc for a while now. He’s a spiteful difficult hypocritical terror & I’ve witnessed him do everything in his power for the last few years to make her life without him miserable. Seeing her go through that gives me extra empathy for all you mothers out there in the same position! You all deserve a mothers WEEK of appreciation!
I’m a dad, and I’m going through beginnings of custody battles. I worry immensely about my kids and their emotional well-being. At first I tried to negotiate, but I realized what she actually want is to erase me. I will make it my life’s mission to provide something stable for my kids. If I don’t die from this stress
My daughter turned 18 last year and this has been the best year ever, not having to co-parent. My best advice is to stay the course moms. Love your kids, absolutely be emotionally available and your kids do see through the gimmicks. I am no contact with him and it’s so wonderful to have this time to really process everything that happened. And thank you so much Dr Ramani your articles have really been helping me to understand.
Mother’s Day has been difficult for me from the moment I had children (who are now grown adults). When my kids were little, I would hope that my husband would guide them as to how to celebrate Mother’s Day. I didn’t expect anything exotic or expensive, just a little something. He would basically ignore the day. One day I asked him about it and he said, “you are not my mother, so why would I acknowledge you that way?” The fact that I am the mother of his children, I guess, didn’t count. I got a really lovely card from my son this year and those are the treasures I will hold onto.
Thank you!!!! This describes me perfectly. The struggle is absolutely real. The narc is successfully turning my kids against me to the point where the oldest has cussed me out and told me I’m dead to him. I was/am an amazing mom who jumped over the highest hoops and protected them from the narc for 20 years. I’m tired and devestated. God sees all. 🙏
I am having such a hard time dealing with my ex’s disdain for me for leaving him—mind you, 7 years ago!! My children are caught in the middle. It’s the worst feeling. I thought leaving would help, divorce just changed the set of difficult problems and behaviors we deal with. I’m beyond exhausted. I don’t know that I’ll ever get these years back. 😔 Thank you for this article Dr. Ramani. 💝
I tried to co-parent with my daughter’s father but there was no way at all. He’d only use my daughter to get to me. He would pick and choose when he’d want to pick her up but had a lot of time on his hands. He’s a firefighter so he’d work his 24 hr shift then have two days off and repeat. He has a bad drinking problem. He has no respect for me. He even showed up at my house uninvited with the girl he cheated on me with to “pick up his daughter.” He has the mind of a high school boy. At the time, I told him and his mother that from now on he has to go through his mom to see his daughter because I don’t want him coming around my house or me. Neither him or his mother respected my wishes or boundaries. Due to him stalking me (my house, my whereabouts, my social media)…disrespecting me, abusing me mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically…I was granted a one year family violence protective order. The judge ordered no visitation at all, not even through his mom. Judge believes he has a mental illness and needs to seek counseling with alcohol abuse and batterers prevention program. He then violated the order and was arrested. His whole family knows how he is but everyone is mad at me for making the best decision for my safety and my children. Since then, his mother has not checked on her granddaughter at all. I tried my hardest for the first 6 months of my daughter’s life to allow him to co-parent. He can’t and never will. She will be 9 months this month and it’s been 3 months since he’s been away from me and my two children.
I saw the picnics and families today for mothers day .I struggle with this day my mother was a total narcissist and ruined her childrens lives and then I married someone the same as my mother .I friggin hate these days it reminds me of my mothers atrocious behaviour she has long gone .I did do a 10 km bike ride which I loved today.
My 22 yr old son gave me a personalized book he ordered- similar to the ones I get him every year for either his birthday or Christmas. You Fill in names, and pick stories etc. they print it with pics and send it to you. This one he got to choose each vignette. Over and over again he chose things about how I taught him to be a good person, a moral person, a loving person, a helpful person, a strong person, and a happy person. I have worried and felt guilty for so long about not being able to protect him from his vulnerable narc father during his youth and childhood. He reassures me when we sometimes talk about it, but this book. His face was so bright and happy as I read the book. And just gave me enormous hugs and told me how much he loves me. Being the strong, kind, empathetic parent payed off. I didn’t get to do so much “fun stuff” with him as his father, like trips to amusement parks, Foreign countries, extended camping adventures… But we always had fun our own ways. My pile of old artwork and projects we did together are fun to look through, especially with him. And he has so many stories he tells friends and girlfriends about little things we did which were easy and no big deal, but super fun. He happily calls himself “Mama’s Boy”. And he is estranged from his father- understandable, but still kinda sad. Through all the struggles, I sometimes doubted, with the ways his father emotionally hurt him, that he would turn into the brave caring, and strong man he is. But here he is- a wonderful human being who people can trust and depend on, including me.
I have my twins in counseling and in the first session, they told the counselor so much about their dad’s abusive behaviors that he looked at me halfway through and said he didn’t want them going back to their dad’s house. 😳 I’m currently working extra hours at work to save up the down payment for a lawyer. Taking him back to court will cost 4x more than it did to divorce him in the first place. I asked my kids how they felt about living with me full time and seeing their dad on weekends; their only concern was that they’d miss their cats. I told them they could bring them home. They got so excited and asked when we can get this done. They’re only 11.
For the dads struggling as well, I too was on the same boat and I can tell you it will get better, but you have to stay strong and you will need to do a couple things to help get you there. First get an ACTUAL experienced family lawyer not one that says they are. This was HUGE in my case and costly but worth it. My first lawyer convinced me to take a crap deal that I lost my rights as a father, I then I found an actual family lawyer who did damage control and won my rights back and now i have everything split down the middle equally 50/50. This was a 2.5 year battle. Second, whatever is decided either by the parents or the court, stand your ground afterwards when co-parenting cause you may get bullied. The order is the order and they have to abide by it, but It’s also ok to adjust or amend the court order only if you’re comfortable with it and it’s what’s best for the child. They come first not your ego. And finally… always, always, always… ALWAYS keep everything in writing and civil. I know that sometimes that can be easier said than done, but I can’t begin to tell you how much that helped and put things in the right path. Sometimes days can rough and everything might seem like a competition for the child’s love, but stay the course and when the child grows up they’ll know who did right by them. You can do it, your child’s worth it. P.S. please refrain from calling the other person a narc or a narcissist, either when you’re alone or in front of their face… that’s childish.
Thank you for addressing (though briefly) the situation of those of us who can’t see our child because of a vindictive narcissist. Many of us just don’t have the resources and support from authorities to change the situation; it’s painful and it haunts us every day. I would love you to address this on a article so people in this situation can learn to cope with the mixed feelings of pain, anger, guilt and foreboding. THANK YOU for all you share and do.
She has the kids today. I’m spending the day building a game throughout the house that we can play as a family when they come back tonight. Something to help them see and remember how much they enjoy being together. They always have a rough time over there, and I want them to be able to see and feel that they aren’t the reason why.
After 17 years of marriage and 3 small kids, the narcissist discarded me (practically overnight) for an online profile and immediately moved out, but continues to come back for a piece of “family” whenever convenient. The kids live with me. I am basically a single parent, something I never anticipated. I don’t object to the visits, because of the kids. These visits happen several times a week after work and often one day on weekends, always dictated by the narcissist’s dating schedule, and with little or no notice. The narcissist will often spend that time texting, playing basketball, or doing emails. Last week my 8 year old texted the narcissist to ask for McDonalds (mistakingly expecting a visit that evening). Text response came to me “you’re using the kids as pawns to control me” “You want to have your cake and eat it too”. Argh… This is an unescapable nightmare..
Dr. Ramani thank you for giving me some hope. The last couple of days have been even more exhausting than usual..I personally do not look forward to the special holidays anymore bc I never know what is going to happen. I am thankful for being a mother. My daughter is the best part of my life. She brings me joy even on the days when it is hard to find some.
Was married for 30 years of which 28 years I was a parent. My narcissist ex husband never wished me once for mother’s day. When I tried telling him how it makes me feel he told me “you are their mother, not mine”. When kids were older and started doing crafts in school for mother’s day and wished me was when the mother’s day in my house was acknowledged. Oh yeah, there was that one year when his mom and sister were visiting from India and mother’s day happened to fall in that time, he bought me a bouquet of flowers along with one for his mom and one for his sister. Been divorced for 2 years now, and it feels good to not to have to deal with the emotional pain from the lack of acknowledgement from him every mother’s day while rest of the moms were getting breakfast in bed. Happy mother’s day to one and all. May this day bring you peace and love you deserve. 💐
Thank you, Dr. Ramani for this article. My co-parenting experience with my ex-narc was all of that & more. He actually moved out on Mother’s Day weekend ( 22yrs ago) while I was at a conference 3 hrs away. He was gone when I got home in the afternoon & the kids were confused & upset that he had moved out while I was gone. How horrible is that- leaving them alone til I got home. They were 7,9,11& 13, so the 13 yr old had to watch & take care of the younger siblings. His take was that I shouldn’t have been away on the conference. My answer was that he hadn’t given any notice that he was moving out at that point in time; he did it for impact & to spite me & think he’d make me look bad to the kids. Also so that I would be alone on Mother’s Day & he wouldn’t be there, having to pretend he cared.
Yes, my kid has severe anxiety and therapy hasn’t helped much so far. Especially when the narcissistic father is clinging to the kid. He does the bare minimum, provides a roof over their head and food in the fridge, but that’s it. No help with school or any hard work. But he‘s great at guilt tripping if they rather stay with me. Of course, he might have to pay a hundred bucks more child support if they spend more time with me and he wants to keep the kid on the back burner in case he‘s lonely..
Thank you Dr. Ramani for another “on point” article. Only recently has my narc H been paying attention for our son (he is 12 now) and I’ve been the one who has raised him almost 100% while under the same roof. Our son loves the attention and I don’t blame him! But I also know I’m the one he most feels comfortable with letting me know his true feelings and needs. I feel like my H doing things for our son is part damage control for me because I’ve had it with his cheating ways. Getting my ducks in a row.
Its mothers day and I get a message from my children who are scared still to show they love their mom. they are adults now and live 5 mins away! It hurts but I know ive done nothing wrong but divorce their dad! I dont want gifts, all I want is 5 mins with my children. But they have been so brainwashed it may never happen. But at least this year I got a message. I love them and they know that! Their father kept them from me for almost ten years by never returned them to me when I was working out of country. He violated ever divorce order. I never stop telling them I love them . I try to lead by example but years of tears are exhausting. One day they will know the truth! Thank you Dr Ramani, I needed this! Right now they are at a community picnic with their dad..I can’t say it doesn’t hurt. But I will stick to being me.
Major request: How to teach our kids about narcissism? You are helping us adults survive by educating us about how it works. Radical acceptance is useless if you don’t know what to accept and more importantly reject. The situation is worse for kids because they may not have experience with normality, and it seems that it is harder for them to step out of ‘first person’ and see objectively what is actually happening to them. Even after they grow up, they will still be in this zombie apocalypse because their future bosses are likely to be narcissists (all but one of mine were). We need to help them. Thank you.
Good day Dr Ramani Thank you for your professional perspective you provide on narcissism. My heart goes out to all the parents and children in a narcissistic co parenting situation. I was left searching for answers a year ago after a 13 year toxic relationship ended that’s our daughter in my pic. I feel I made a huge mistake of confronting and exposing a “covert narcissist” with concrete evidence of cheating. I’ve been denied access to our daughter who is now six years old for nearly the entire year, I applied for a parenting plan and in December 2021 got to finally see my little girl words can’t justify the joy I felt. Sadly the co parenting plan has been skillfully derailed or placed on hold as I now have a protection order filed against me. The emptiness I feel inside when the two people I lived for everyday just disappears. My daughter doesn’t even call me daddy anymore because of what they are saying about me. This is to big a price to pay for any human that was cheated on and lied to.
Happy Mother’s Day to you, Doc. ♥️✨ Although I don’t know you personally, I still see you as an important mother figure in my life. You have shown me more empathy, understanding, guidance, understanding and even kindness and love through your work, than I ever got from my own mother. I don’t want this to sound cheesy, but it’s completely true. You are my idol, I look up to you and I aspire to be like you when I grow up. Thank you for being you and sharing all of your knowledge and wisdom with us so graciously. Dear Goddesses, please bless and keep this woman safe and sound at all costs.
My first attempt at co-parenting was also my last. I was drug testing one of our kids. He said “OK, see ya” before the results! If it wasn’t about him, he had absolutely no interest. Challenges that arose with the children were 100% easier than involving him. He’ll never know, nor would he care to know, the ordeals I handled alone. He’s such a worthless part of society.
Ya know what’s sad, those of us who are still married to the narc, never get the day we truly want and deserve. Because it’s just another day in the household and that’s what the kids see. My husband has really never made it a big deal and that’s what my kids grew up seeing. They don’t even say ‘Happy Mother’s day Mom.” I get more well wishes from my neighbors!! So, to all you moms out there I say a big “HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY ” to all. Dr. Ramani HAPPY Mother’s Day to you and thank you again for these articles because they truly help me remember I’m NOT the crazy one!
My dad’s narcissistically abusive to my mom. She’s worked really hard to raise the 3 of us well. I can see how much it has affected her capacity to be there for us in the ways that we all need because she’s dealing with a lot of trauma. When I was younger I used to resent her for not being the best parent. My dad has always tried to hide the verbal and psychological abuse from me because I’m his favorite child (I don’t know why he favours me even when stand with my mom) but I started seeing the full picture and now I want to try my best to support my mom until she can leave him. A narcissist affects the entire family unit. There is a lot of mental illness that manifested because of trauma and consistent exposure to acute stress. I do harbor anger towards my dad but my therapist has encouraged me to focus on my own relationship with him and leave other things as being between him and my mother. It feels like a more individualistuc way of seeing things so I’m not sure about it. I don’t want to act badly towards my dad or get revenge, and I don’t want to be angry, but I still feel my mom’s pain so much so I can’t detach and I’ll still do what I can to support her, especially because that also leads to less stress for my younger sister and I don’t want her to struggle with mental health issues like my brother and me (He unfortunately went on to develop NPD because of his trauma and hurts people because of his lack of consideration but we still love him and just try our best to manage the relationship and keep him going to therapy).
Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there. After almost 4years of not being able to see my now 17 year old daughter, I have learned to just have radical acceptance. Her biological dad is a grandiose narcissist and has participated in parental alienation. In radical acceptance you find happiness, which is the positive outcome of a narcissists attempt of complete manipulation and selfish behaviors. 🤔❤️🇺🇸
Thank You, hope Mothers Day finds you with more celebration and emotional wins and clearing if needed to all and your team and family. Mothers day is tough here it is my first one in 3 years. No amount of saying hey, its okay, id like a day to myself to change the want of it or the extra battle to fight. Or the gifts and slaps of them tried over the years. Like get well soon balloons after id put in boundaries or the things parroted at me that were said to them of me with their fathers instilling implementing etc. Its so far a good one today. Unpacking a little at parts, But a good one in a way. And thankful for this article, and this website team and even you, definitely helps me stay clearer in the healing journey. Much love and hopes of healing for this community.
I would say the high road can sometimes be bad when you absolutely need to point behavior out as abusive, manipulative, or wrong. There’s a certain point that if you don’t correct what is being said, your child won’t trust you due to the BS spewing from your narcissistic ex and his/ her flying monkeys. I took the high road and ended up regretting it. My ex had my daughter convinced we split because I cheated (I left him due to him refusing to stop hitting me or at least go to therapy to see what was wrong with him) and that everything I said was mentally abusive. She began cutting herself to deal with the stress not long after this. She’s better now, but our ability to fix our court order for our disabilities was put back three years due to all that. Please do not hesitate to correct lies, ask questions, and tell your kids the truth when the time is right. It sucks to have to do that, but the alternative is your child becoming disordered and in pain from believing abusive lies.
Thank you Dr Ramani. This has come at a perfect time for me, this is the first mother’s day weekend I’ve had since separating from the narcissist ex husband. I’d really like to request that you please do a deep dive series into co-parenting and/or parallel parenting with a narc after separation (and when you are still with one as I’m sure it will all be somewhat relevant either way). I need some scripts … some precise how to’s… to do’s, not to do’s… For example, some real solid examples, analogies or metaphors for how to validate your child’s negative experiences and feelings without bagging out/ being negative about the narc parent… that tightrope between saying “that behaviour is not ok or normal” and throwing the narc parent under the bus… Protecting them vs parental alienation. Also different specific tactics, manipulations and so on that play out when coparenting with a narc and how the cope with it (as it is triggering) and how to best protect your kids and yourself if ongoing contact is having to happen…. also maintaining boundaries in these situations … it can easily slide from necessary parenting matters content into narc b.s… so how best to handle…. and without obsessing. How to teach kids in an age appropriate way about narcissism. How to equip them with tools to deal with their feelings, the abuse/toxicity and narc parent. I mean beyond the obvious couselling needs… because honestly, my daughter is 10yrs…She is smart, funny, empathetic and loves her dad.
It is very hard work. Unfortunately I lost my kids co-parenting with that monster. February 20th he was dropping the kids off and we got in an argument he forced in my home and jumped on me in front of the children when i defended myself for the very first time ever and with my legal weapon. Just pointing. I was arrested and they took my children from me. I am innocent. I’m still fighting to get my kids back. I’ve never been away from my kids. They’re both special needs with multiple disabilities. Not to mention they now have to watch him be with the woman he abandoned us for which he married two months after the discard and whom dislikes them. But that’s what I get for trying force him to see his kids for a year and 8 months when he clearly didn’t want that. It was very agonizing. He would change the times and days. Everything I agreed with he would change and make it very difficult. They tell me they miss me and that they want to come home. I can’t stop crying myself to sleep. So this is a very hard day for me.
I managed to go from joint custody with split parenting to sole custody with me having ninety percent parenting. I have struggled to appreciate that win because it didnt feel like a win. It felt like ugh we still have to deal with him. Now that i have evidence to push for supervised visits i am actually learning to appreciate it. Im unsure i will win but our kid is worth a try.
I wish my ex saw your article and all the comments. When we were together she admitted she was dealing with a narc co parent. It seemed like she would do good by not engaging for a few days or a week but her ex would draw her back in. Sometimes by doing one or two acts of kindness and the cycle started over again. I was the main thorn in his side being the ‘new’ guy, which was a launching pad into his manipulation. Even a therapist told her her ex is a ‘master manipulator’ but things carried on. I realize now perusal your articles and learning about trauma bonding, narcs, reading through the stories etc about how difficult it is to deal with a narc and disentangle oneself.
Mother’s Day and Christmas I’d say are the two hardest holidays to go through. Many times they have been stressful and usually ended badly. It’s hard to read all of the happy family pictures online but this year I chose to ignore much if it for my own mental health. What usually upsets me the most is that some people would put whatever we are doing under a microscope, judging and gossiping but they wouldn’t acknowledge us or how hard it’s been to be a sole parent. I made a conscious effort this Mother’s day to focus on myself and my kids and did what you suggested. I turned my phone off and spent the day gardening and for the first time it was a peaceful day. My kids are amazing, I’m so proud of the empathetic and loving people they are. They understand that the best present isn’t anything material but lots of hugs and having a laugh together, I’m so lucky to have them.
I just came back from my daughter’s graduation where her narcissist father (and his family) was and I realized that I’m still at war with him still being gaslighted in front of her. She saw it and it was yet another disappointment, he made her feel guilty of having a day of celebration to the point where she couldn’t wait for everyone to leave. It was heartbreaking and I realized we haven’t healed. All I could do was to show her that she needs to distance herself from the abuse.😢
Interesting thing you said about art. My kid brought home a Mother’s Day package from school with some artwork, and there was a picture with an image of a person laying down in bed. “Mommy it is you when you are depressed” I didn’t know whether to crack up or cry. The point is, no matter how hard you always try to be your best for your kid, they see in between the cracks, even if you think they are not looking.
Thank you so much for all of your articles. I never knew I was in this kind of relationship. I watched like 10 of your articles to question if it was me or her. That’s when I knew. Because I was asking the question within myself. She dropped he hard last week. I love my son and I don’t want to love his mother but I’m trying to make it work. Too much damage. Way too much. But again, all wise words are appreciated
No parents have that guarantee so narssastic relationships or not. Take care of you have that reset and nature yourself so that you can nurture and be the positive in your children’s eyes. Coparenting with a narcissist means you will always have to take the high road you will always have to give bc the narcissist only takes. You just have to master the high wire act and look graceful as you do it.
I had somewhat of an awareness of Narcissism, they don’t have a specialist therapist in Canada for this topic when I divorced in 2002 he’d play games about myself obtaining movers, obtaining vehicles, obtaining hearing aids, obtaining education, attempted exclusions to see my own daughters, now they are adults they know don’t negotiate your sense of peace and pride to a Narcissist.
I have been a narcissistic individual for years, I didn’t realise that it was me this whole time. I am actually receiving help at 42, I accepted it is me and not the other significant other. I wish everyone a good year and remember we can always change, even if things aren’t the easy we wish well it is part of the process and concenquences we made. God bless and let’s give our children the best while we can!❤
I have to say I was married to a narcissist for 10 yrs. I raised his 4 children. Three were learning support and one was mentally challenged. I took care of them but it was such a struggle he wanted to be their friend and they never did anything wrong. He always worked against me. I’m divorced and I no longer am a part of any of their lives. It was so freeing when detached from them.
I wish with all my heart that you would give a talk about narcissistic inspired parental alienation. My ex-husband destroyed my relationship with my daughters. I didn’t know what was happening until it was too late — and I was recovering from a nervous breakdown and in any case I had no idea how to fight back. It’s been more than 20 years since I’ve seen one, nearly 20 years since I’ve seen the other. I still haven’t known what to do, except to live the best life I can in spite of missing my daughters.
I finished co-parenting to a malignant narcissist husband and his malignant narcissist mother two years ago. I realized how much I was exhausted and tired. I have been better and healthier day by day🙏🏻🙏🏻 It’s an useless and pointless effort to try for narcissists and baby-sitting them because they never grow up..
This is why my nephew is in counseling so he can learn coping mechanisms to deal with what goes on with his narcissistic father. His mother and I both dealt with our narcissistic mom growing up and we didn’t want him to feel like he had no one to openly and honestly communicate with someone who was outside the chaos. His dad constantly tries to create drama and negative situations and he’s a child.
After my divorce, after 10 years of hell, I raised my 3 children(all girls)on my own. My eldest, by another relationship, was away at college and the other 2, by the narcissist were with me, ages 14 and 12. The 14 year old started treating me in the same manner that my ex did and the 12 year old, I suppose, was her ‘flying monkey’…the 14 year old was also extremely violent with me, broke my things, etc. And was only nice to me when she wanted something from me, money usually. When she was older, she and her f.m.sister cut me off cold. To this day, no phone calls, no texts…even on Christmas, my birthday and not mother’s day. They don’t speak with my eldest daughter either. She has been my rock through all of this, of which I am grateful. She has also given me a granddaughter and a a grandson, which the other 2 have never seen. It’s been very difficult over the years, but learning to accept it and move on, with the help of my eldest who has been deeply hurt by them as well. As always, thank you Dr. Ramani for always being there for me and this community! 🙏❤
I am a mother of 7, 4 with specoal needs. My spouse is a vulnerable narcissist. I am the soul parent basically. He does not parent, he is emotionally like a 6 year old. The last 4 months I have wrapping my head around all the information about having a narcissistic spouse and how to parent in this narc environment. Thank you Dr. Ramani! I wish I could tall to you directly. Can we have morr discussion about how to raise resillient children in this situation. My husband has sabatoged every mothers day, my birthday, anniversary. I now celebrate with zero expectation from him. I focus on spending the time with my kids and my suppprt village.
Happy Mother’s Day and Thank You, Dr Ramani💐🍹🍫. My empathy and thoughts go out to all the mothers that are co-parenting with and dealing with a Narcissistic Religious Cult Member Co-Parent/Spouse; Someone who does not recognize/or acknowledge “Mother’s Day”.💔☹🌹 (Many Religious Cults, such as Jehovah’s Witnesses, do not acknowledge or celebrate Mother’s Day(and any other Individual-Centered Celebrations)). Not only are these Mothers coping with the usual daily Devaluing and Lack Of Appreciation from the Religious Narcissist, but also are feeling the added sadness and heartbreaking loss of honour, that comes from the Narcissist choosing to not acknowledge this day or the Mother’s true deep value(the Narcissist’s own mother and their child’s mother both). Much Love and Happy Mother’s Day, From Me To These Mothers.💐💖 I recognize and honour your value. I agree, Dr Ramani. Turn your focus mentally and physically away from the Narcissist’s Negativity and focus instead upon whatever Positive thoughts and Self-Honouring Actions you can instead. Whatever that involves, big or small. Engage with Positive People and those that truly see your worth and give Genuine Love back. 💓💓🤝🌍
It’s been difficult, especially when their father has introduced my boys to all of this “friends.” Recently he left one of the boys with this friend and her kids in her home while he took my other son to get a haircut! This is unacceptable and putting the kids in danger… and they stayed over her house!! This is a stranger. My ex has mental problems. I’m in court for backpay child support/maintenance. He’s been making it difficult, but I’m one step ahead and have been documenting EVERYTHING, and everything I’m fighting for is court ordered… he WILL be held accountable.
As a child of a selfish, violent,and petulant narc father and an empathetic mother, I was last in the pecking order. Nothing was divided equally, if anything was left over after my sister, and father had their fill, I was to be grateful I was given anything at all. This went from tv shows to you name it, there were no exceptions, presents from relatives, my sister got to keep hers, my presents were taken from me after guests left and gifted to my cousin’s my mother saying it was easier. This had me in tears on my birthday etc mean to take away something gifted, I thanked people for the gift I so very much wanted. I had no toys and nothing of my own, compared to my sister and all the other kids around, i was made an outsider. No new clothes, second hand worn ones which my sister outgrew. The best ones she didn’t want me to have,.were destroyed and ripped apart by her in front of my face, so as to deny me the opportunity to wear them. Like my father my sister was also a violent narc. She and my father got first choice in everything as they were the most demanding. This has gone on right through my life, and when my dear mother passed, my father and sister took all my belongings and property for themselves, changed the locks and had the cops throw me onto the street,with only the clothes on my back and my pet dog by my side. I was forcefully removed from my family home because it was ‘private property’, without warning or time to pack. My mother never imagined they would go that far and neither did I.
Well this day has been an awful one to me, my grown children seems to have finally swallowed all their dad’s lies and deception about me as neither of them has sent me a message today and it is breaking my heart as I raised them alone since they were 3 and 1 as he left the country. So not a good day for me, but I will always love them and hope and wait they see some sense sometime and we can be a family again
Thank you. This was just the article I needed. My husband did not do anything for me for Mother’s Day, (our son is only 1y) so I took my son to the park just me and him. The only thing I go for mother’s day was a list of reasons i’m a bad mom. Hanging in there. Taking the high road. I will not hold my breath for an apology. Just waiting for the right time to divorce.
My ex is the mother of my two girls. I had to move away to put my life together after the divorce so get get very little physical time with my girls. However I do have calls with them regularly. In these calls recently I could tell she was being extra nice. She even sent a article of me holding my older girl as a baby. Before I learned about narcissism I would have wondered if her heart was changing, but now I started wondering what it was that was coming and what she was trying to set me up for. Then I realized it was probably to try and get some validation from me on Mother’s Day.
My vindictive X came at 7:00am (an unheard-of time, and unprecedented) to sneak my child out of my house without telling me, on father’s day last year to prevent me from having my child on father’s day….( I’m a dad)… I have literally never had my child on father’s day, my son is 25… I heard some noises and I thought to myself, Oh my son must be trying to do something nice for me on father’s day. Nope…I woke up to just a note saying he had left. I think I would do anything to go back in time and to have never met my X. She is so malignant, vicious, vindictive, and cruel. It is so painful that I would trade not having my child to have never have met her. She has successfully turned my child against me and we have basically zero relationship, he is fully narcissistic too…
As the scapegoat in my family that watched his mother undermine his dad for most of his life, I can say that my mother is not getting away with her abusive spiteful behaviour. I’d much rather take the highway than her way! Her manipulative, condescending, gaslighting techniques don’t fool me in the slightest. If she wants to wriggle out of accountability she’s barking up the wrong tree. I’ve been going through the detachment phase for the past couple of months and since a level of communication once every so often is unfortunately necessary, when there is dialogue and provocative angles are being used against me, I have decided to be vocal in such a way that highlights my decisions, opinions, memories, choices and wishes so that I am in a way drilling the importance of those things into her head! When, for example, she’s looking for information about where I spend my days (to have more for her smear campaign), what I’m doing for a living and so on (things I’ve decided to keep ultra private), I’ll be responding with “I do not wish to discuss this, this conversation is over, mind your own business!” I think I have the right to decide whether or not I hate my dad for myself and I don’t! I hate the person who encouraged me to hate him behind his back and that’s my mother!
Single parent here & been “co-parenting” with a narcissistic ex-wife for 12 years with a 13 year old daughter. It’s INCREDIBLY heartbreaking all the constant plans I have with my daughter that get cancelled last moment or the 100’s of lies you are fed even when you know they are and you have to smile and not react. One example of what I deal with is I lost my dad to cancer 5 months ago. He was a wonderful man loved by us all & adored by my daughter. 8 weeks later it was Father’s Day. Any normal person would see the importance of me having that day with my daughter. That was the plan. But 10mins before I was due to pick her up, I get a text message saying that their family made a “split decision” to go away for a few nights. And that was that ☹️☹️☹️
Thank you for making these articles. I haven’t found the answer to this question so I want to post it. My narcissistic coparent is so tiring. I’ve been in this cycle for a the 2 years we have been split. Things will go great, we will have pleasant conversations about our son etc. but the MOMENT I communicate a general concern, or question something that he doesn’t like or is a safety concern, he goes crazy. Our child is 3. He goes on this rage with long messages about how I treat him so poorly, I don’t trust him, I patronize him and then he says really horrible things about the mom I am, my mental stability, that I’m spiraling. It’s out of nowhere. He truly has no idea what my life is even like, yet he goes right back to what he said when we were together. It gets to where I end up blocking communication in between parenting time. My question is HOW do I voice NORMAL concerns with a narcissist? Is it even possible? Everything that isn’t daisies and sunshine turns into the same explosive messages that leave me feeling seriously awful. As coparents there is inevitably going to be times where the other parent has to ask questions. Am I suppose to not voice my concerns? That seems like a disservice to my toddler who can’t voice his own concerns and is just not recklessly adventurous like his narcissistic parent 🤦🏻♀️ This parent really thinks of themselves first over how his children feel about a situation. Sincerely, 2 moms-of 2 incredible kiddos who share a narcissistic father 😢
It would break my heart that I would have to be the bad guy and he was the happy-go-lucky dad. Now in understanding our relationship I pray and try to keep my healthy balance. I will look unstable no matter what, so now I let time speak for itself. Even with the chaos and challenges of counter parenting I am proud of myself for being present when I had to be and I am grateful that my style of parenting speaks volumes. I tried my best and the difference is so noticeable to me and I am at peace with my effort despite everything he did to undermine me.
Married to a narc, two children hear regularly from their dad how stupid I am, how worthless, how they should never want to be like mummy cause people will despise them and have nothing but contempt for them. I honestly want to be discarded – I do not have the courage to leave. Not being able to leave I feel like I am failing as a mother. Happy mothers day!
This is the day I hate my narcissist ex the most…. Not only will I not hear from my little boy today because it’s his day to have him but he has ravaged and ripped apart the relationships I had with two of the three older children I raised alone from a previous narcissistic partner…. Man have I learned so much but the grief is so real and so heartbreaking. If I could take it all back you better believe I would. In a heartbeat.
I can honestly admit I don’t talk to my narcissistic baby daddy at all. Our boys are 5,4, and 1. We’ve been separated for 7months now and even though I’m angry majority of the time, I’m at piece. We we’re together for 16yrs. I told the courts just put him on child support cause I don’t want to see or deal with him. Even though I know it may be affecting the boys(i dont quite see it tho), im in therapy to help me through that part of my life. Overcoming the anger and resentment stage. I have a great therapist, Ash Malik, who has been with me for 2yrs now and has guided me through this rought stage of healing. Its been 7months since the separation and I can honestly say that i have healed 100% yet. To be honest, not even 50% yet smh but with the Grace of God, everything is possible. Keep pressing on and this too shall pass. Have a blessed day everyone.
This one’s for my long-suffering dad. Divorced my crazy mom (yeah, I’ll say crazy, happy to, as it’s true) when I was 2, thank goodness. He was ineffectual in many ways, but also my personal rock, the only constant person in my life who truly loved me unconditionally always. (My husband is beyond words fab, but it’s just not the same thing.) He couldn’t save me from my mother (no blame, who could have understood the truth, it was so completely weird, chaotic & twisted) but he tried, and I definitely modeled myself after him, which helped me over time to become a loving person for my own family, and even in my profession. My lovely father died 7 years ago, and 3 months later my mother moved back close to us, after 20+ years of blissful distance. So wicked of her, really horrible. Now she’s 82 and entirely resistant to aging, though she needs a ton of help. But she can’t get along with anyone long enough to receive it. She also has a paranoid disorder. It’s a godawful mess tbh. Btw, I can never find appropriate Mothers Day cards. So frustrating. There should be more generic “Happy Mother’s Day” ones. I go with blank cards with flowers.
Narcissism is no joke. I pride myself on being a very psychologically stable, even tempered, and logical person. Not much gets to me. Dealing with a narcissist is an utter disaster and it is truly traumatic to no end. Everyone talks about projection and roughly grasps the concept of it, but living on the receiving end of that narcissistic projection is the most mind warping thing I’ve ever experienced. What’s sad is it can happen for so long and you don’t even see it until you finally do. All of their issues, on your shoulders, yet they want to keep you on a string.. indefinitely. That string is used to reel you in every now and then to beat you down if you aren’t paying adequate attention to them and they aren’t getting enough attention elsewhere. That short leash is all about attention and their ability to use and control you. Difficult with coparenting but I gave up on a friendship in my case. There’s only so much intentional suffering a person can take and keep coming back. I’m just ranting from within the narcissistic coparenting experience. If anything about what I say sounds like your relationship.. run. If you haven’t had children yet.. find someone else to procreate with who isn’t a monster. There is no light at the end of the tunnel with a narcissist and they will not grow or change.. yet that may be all they talk about in the public eye. Of course, you’ll be the one who hasn’t grown, even if you’ve grown monumentally and everyone knows that. No matter how much you try, no matter how much you help, no matter how much you want to believe.
I realized something was wrong with my ex and his family when I was pregnant. I planned my escape and never looked back when my son was 4 months old. I didn’t put him on the birth certificate because I knew it would be easier for me to not deal with him. It’s been 5 years and Its hard being a single mom but it would be harder to deal with being abused daily by a person who had no respect for me as a person or a mother. I could only imagine how he would’ve been treating my son. I know he hates my guts cause he still has to pay child support and I got out of his grip. I’m honestly scared to ever try to co-parent with him. He is so cold and detected he reminds me of a serial killer. People try to make me feel like I’m dramatic, no he never hit me but anyone who could be mean to a newborn is evil. He wouldn’t even carry a car seat up the stairs for me when I was very pregnant. He degraded and disregarded me and my child completely, and I would NEVER subject my child to any form of emotional abuse. It’s hard for me on these days but today was better than any other year. My son and I hung out and watched movies and enjoyed each other’s company. And I felt true love on mother’s day for the first time. My child is awesome and happy and his dad is a sick man and I accept that fact. Thank you! A million times thank you🎯😊
I love Dr. Ramani and her advice is priceless. However when it comes to parenting with a narcissist only people who have children and have lived it can really speak to it. When it comes to situations with children advice from people without them (regardless of professional experience) just is not enough.
Both parents & only sibling narcissistic.. mom was overtly(?) narc, dad was covertly.. sibling VERY overtly.. i can never say i miss my mom on mothers day…. and, MANY times i am very thankful she isnt around & my sibling has disowned me. Especially because of my children & now a granddaughter… I am actually enjoying my life and am mentally & emotionally healthier. And, i allow myself to not care about “them” any more. To even begin to heal, i had to consider the living ones “dead” (except for my dad – our relationship actually got better after my mom died, in 1989).. My only sibling’s adult children & their children disowned me because they believed everything she said without ever talking to me about ANYTHING. And, knowing “SOMETHING wasnt right” for at least 10 yrs, i tried to find out if they were upset with me for any reason, and always heard, “no, no problem”.. Si, my conscience us clear and, while i am sad that my great nieces and nephews have veen manipulated, gas-lighted, lied to, controlled, i keep hoping and praying that they will learn the truth. My sibling is still alive, though 17 yrs older than me, and i will be VERY RELIEVED if she passes before i do. (My now adult daughter has gone through the same thing – saw and experienced for herself – what i have and she feels the same about being relieved when that person passes, as she was very close with 2 of my great nieces in their younger years and all of a sudden is shut out with no reason why.)
See this is where it gets confusing too me; I’m the happy fun enjoyable parent being the fun dad; but my co-parenting partner shows all the other traits; she devalues me, disrespects me, constantly gas lights and finds a problem in everything I do. I’m always being judged and nothing is ever good enough. So I’m confused am I the Narc in this situation or is my co-parenting partner. Man this all sucks because I really still love her and want my family to work and it’s been a roller coaster 🎢 for the past 4 years
Thank you for this one. After filing a Motion for Clarification post-divorce, I was able to negotiate a parenting schedule which provides me every Mother’s Day. My request of my children was that we prepare dinner together and eat at the table together (is not as common these days). Ice cream is next. 🥰
I divorced my narc ex-husband after less than two years of marriage. I just could not cope with his behaviour. The following years, he would buy me a beautiful bouquet of flowers and propose to me on mothers day – and every year he would make sure to tell our son that we were getting back together and he would also let our son give me the flowers and let him be part of the proposal. Every year I turned him down and every year he started a new smear campaign and made sure to tell our son that I was the bad guy. It was so sick and twisted. He harassed me incessantly for 12 years until he got married again, then he, without warning, dropped his own son – and told everybody that I kept his son from him. I was so happy to get rid of him and his sick games.
This is the Mother’s Day that the ex-narc decided to have my children in SPORTS on the morning that I was preparing them to go brunch with my parents. Brunch was 11am – my poor son had sports training until 12 noon. I had to leave my parents and other children at lunch, go get him and bring him back to the brunch sweaty and tired. I just feel as though this was done ON PURPOSE…just terribly disgusting. It IS exhausting – we argued when I collected my girls. I am fed-up.
my ex, I’m constantly having to navigate her, she’s literally ALWAYSa trying to keep herself between me and my daughters; and is constantly fostering their dependence on her; but thanks to this community I’,m finally well-informed; but i look fw to getting my daughters into their adulthood healthy and intact as possible and i don’t have to deal with her illness any more
Just discarded a narcissist today, he went full crazy and started offended me, then threatened him I will show his messages to the police so he’d better stop harassing me so he changed his strategy and started putting the blame on me for what he was doing then saying that he loved me, only to then go saying that he actually “loved” everyone and that I was not special. It was so sad and funny to see such cheap spectacle. So yeah, do not give people the benefit of a doubt, the ones who treasure you will do it without you having to bend over backwards.
Gay man who doesn’t have kids here. My personally opinion is that if you notice your child demonstrating narcissistic tendencies (hitting you, cussing at u, etc) professional counseling is needed. Happened to my one friends and she says her kids will need to “learn the hard way-get it from their dad”. Kids sometime will go along w a narc parent just to make them happy. Narc parents like to poison the child’s mind and instill their perception of the world into them. Absolutely shocking and daunting as a kid. They may try to use your kids to hoover you lol. I loved my mom growing up and never fell for the bs, my brother did however.
Dr Ramani. Thanks for your enlightening articles. I would like to bring to your kind attention that my ex narc was always in love with the dark characters in movies and novels. He used to feel happy when those evils get empowered and used to bring destruction and menace to the Heroes. If you could share your insights in this topic. Thanks and Regards.
co-parenting with a narc is impossible exhausting they don’t comprise with you its there way or nothing same as they blame you for everything that goes wrong in there lives even if your not even there you still get blamed my kids have been alienated by there dad and he as turned 2 of my kids against me there mum and there other two siblings i’ve had to go no contact with there dad.
The things he says to them has been my biggest concern. Not just what he says about me. But what he says to them about them. My ex husband has made our oldest son his scapegoat and our youngest son his golden child. I have to constantly check myself to not say unkind things about him and his behavior.
Currently trying to co-parent with a narcissist. And i worry about my child everyday. Everyday. I just hope I do it right. Currently going through a tough court battle and its exaughsting. I feel very confident and I feel like the judge and the lady representing me see whats going on. We go in on the 24th and I cant wait. I might get in trouble too. I fight back to much. Buuuuut he will get in trouble for his behavior and I cant wait.
I fear for my 2 boys, ages 14 & 5 years old. Trying to get full custody. My ex has already psychologically disenfranchised our daughters ages 23 & 21. Yes, you read that right. I’m fighting in every generation. Daughters don’t talk to her, oldest son hates her. I went through things for years as the children’s defense attorney.
Only thing hurting me today is my soon to be 2nd ex narcissistic husband is not allowing my step kids to reach out to me or see me. A d they and I are supper close bexuse I was the only mother they knew. Thier birth mom abandoned them. Only good I have my 2 kids with me becuse thier dad, my first narcissistic husband, abandoned my kids. My birth kids are showering me with love today. But it still hurts a bit I can’t have my step kids at least talk to me today. We always had such fun on mothers day in the past. 😭
In my life there has been no such thing as co parenting. There is no “co” any thing. I have 4 adult children. 2 of which spent the day with me and 2 of which didn’t even acknowledge me in any manner what so ever. I think that explains everything in a nut shell. I don’t have much on my life and never have but this just about killed me.
During and after a divorce, the courts drive it home that you are not to disparage the other parent to the childern. If the oth er parent is a narcissist, you are on a razor’s edge especially if the other parent is disparaging you as you try to work out the logistics and details of the co parenting agreement.
I spent my mothers day doing as much self care as I could. I wanted to cry the whole day, so I zoned out. My kids were with their dad basically the whole day, because I just couldn’t cope. Too many years it was used against me, it’s become a day I would rather forget. I see my kids often enough, I don’t need to make them spend time with me just because the calendar says I have to. This was their time with their dad, and so I took the day doing what I wanted, no judgments just me.
Can anyone suggest a website/online group where I can find advice on how to deal with a co-parenting ex, who is filling our child’s head with grandiose ideas (the little one is 4 years old). She told me recently that she is (“mummy told me”) “more special than anyone else, the best actress in the world and the best dancer, better than anyone else”. It’s not the first time the little one says this sort of things, and I don’t know how to manage this. I fear that she will develop into the same person/personality as her mother.
This year was a pretty vindictive one …. His gf accuses ME of being the narcissistic co-parent online and my teenagers know it and are less and less interested in seeing him or his gf. Then because of that, “I’m” accused of alienation by the two of them. I am so grateful for my husband and the rest of the family my kids are surrounded by who show my teens what normal, loving, and kind relationships look like.
Try to remember that the holidays happen when you say they happen, not when the calendar says they happen. Whether it is Mother’s Day, your birthday, your kids birthday or Christmas you can choose to celebrate when you have time with your kids. You can choose to treated the calendar days as just another day. It helps if you set the expectations in advance and keep laser focused on what you have control over.r
Thank you Dr Ramani… and happy mothers day to you!! Sadly, I didn’t get to see my two children that I have with my ex narc. He took them one at a time and on a permanent basis, ofcourse today’s time was also not honoured. I’m fighting through family law courts. I miss them terribly. My son text me, questioned why I’d want to talk!? My daughter gave me an excuse of having her period not to see me and didn’t even wish me a happy mothers day. He’s turning them. They’ve been manipulated, brainwashed and almost turning into him 😪 The icing on the cake.. my mother is also a narcissist. Alot of grief today but I made the most of what I could xxx
Thank you 🙏 so so much for this thoughtful message (I have been alienated from my daughter by her psychologically/emotionally abusive father) I am still hoping one day she will want to talk to me again and gets herself some help for the significant damage that he’s done) 🤞💔🥹🙏Ty for knowing how devastating this can be to go through 💗 and a Happy Mothers Day to you too! 💐🌞