When A Loved One’S Death Is Denied By Family Members?

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The denial stage of grief is a normal part of the grieving process, where a loss doesn’t feel real yet. It can be challenging for families in denial to begin conversations about a loved one’s death, as they might be hearing things for the first time or not wanting to hear them. Anger is a common stage of coping with a terminal illness, and if your dying loved one is displaying anger, here are tips for dealing with it. Anticipatory grief is deep sadness felt during the last days of life, and it can be experienced by both the dying person and their loved ones. Grief before death gives you a chance to say goodbye that you don’t have.

During the denial stage, you may feel numb or as if you are in shock. It’s hard to believe that your loved one has actually died and will no longer be a part of your life. Denial is understood as a defense against that brutal reality, blunting the impact of the loss, offering temporary respite, and allowing you to process those overwhelming feelings more gradually. Denial of your loved one’s death can create a safe space for you to transition through your grief. In time, it will become easier to face the reality that your loved one has died, and you’ll get the opportunity to gain closure.

People may experience anxiety over a loved one’s death, whether that person has a high risk of dying or not. If a loved one is at high risk of dying, it’s best to allow oneself to move through it. The five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) apply when grieving for the death of a loved one and when you are grieving for them.

Take your cues from your loved one and listen when they want to talk. If they do not want to talk, don’t force it or offer platitudes like “he’s in a better place”. Denial can be a way for people to cope with their illness and dying, and forcing them to talk may not be the best thing for them.

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How Do You Help Someone Who Is In Denial
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How Do You Help Someone Who Is In Denial?

Helping someone in denial about their mental illness can be difficult yet essential. First, ensure they know you are there for them. Invite them to express their feelings without judgment, acknowledging that you cannot "cure" their condition. It’s vital to accept that you can't force them to confront their reality. Instead, ask them what they need, and engage in activities together that may improve their symptoms. Educate yourself about their situation, as understanding denial helps foster awareness and empathy.

Recognize that denial serves as a defense mechanism, providing temporary emotional protection. Challenge stigmas surrounding mental health, which often impede individuals from seeking help. Establish a supportive environment where open dialogue is encouraged, allowing them to vent their frustrations. Show patience, emphasizing that they are responsible for their journey to healing. If they resist talking, consider gently prompting discussions or suggesting they consult a professional.

Be an active listener, validating their feelings throughout. Supporting yourself is equally important; seek guidance from friends, family, or professionals. Ultimately, creating an atmosphere of unconditional support and gentle encouragement can help individuals in denial acknowledge their condition, seek treatment, and move towards a healthier mindset.

What Happens During A Denial Stage Of Loss
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What Happens During A Denial Stage Of Loss?

During the denial stage of loss, individuals may grapple with various emotions such as sadness, anger, guilt, or anxiety as they begin to face their new reality. This stage is characterized by a feeling of unreality concerning the loss, providing a healthy buffer that allows individuals to gradually transition into the next phase of their lives. Denial serves as a psychological mechanism, helping to compartmentalize feelings of grief and enabling people to manage their emotional responses.

As one starts to accept the loss and its implications, feelings of denial begin to diminish. Grieving individuals often find it difficult to process their emotions, experiencing symptoms such as numbness or disbelief. Denial can manifest in thoughts like "This cannot be happening" and offers a mental space to cope with the immediate shock. Typically occurring just before or after a significant loss, denial is a common defense mechanism that facilitates initial survival through emotional pain.

Grief appears as a universal response to major life changes, occurring uniquely for each person across various stages, including denial. Ultimately, denial allows time for emotional processing in a confusing and disorienting period.

How Long Can Denial Of Death Last
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How Long Can Denial Of Death Last?

The denial stage of grief, as outlined in Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's model, is characterized by a refusal to accept the reality of loss. This stage can vary significantly in duration, often influenced by the nature of the loss, with traumatic events extending this phase for some individuals. While some may see improvement within weeks or months, for others, the grieving process could stretch over several years. Those who recently experienced a loss may find it challenging to process their feelings, sometimes even forgetting the reality of their situation temporarily.

The denial response serves as a protective mechanism, allowing individuals time to grapple with distressing emotions. Though there is no preset timeline for grief, many eventually begin to feel more like themselves after a year or two. It’s important to note that denial can be a healthy coping strategy, providing a cushion against the immediate shock.

While grief universally encompasses five stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—some models propose additional stages. Feelings of grief are dynamic; some days may be better than others, but over time, individuals typically navigate toward healing and acceptance. Ultimately, everyone experiences and copes with loss distinctly based on their circumstances.

How Long Does Denial Of Death Last
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How Long Does Denial Of Death Last?

The denial stage of grief varies in duration depending on the nature of the loss. Those who experience trauma may find this stage lasts longer, while others might start to feel better in weeks or months. Grief can take years for some, often characterized by difficulty in accepting the loss. Individuals may feel numb, forgetting the reality of their situation, and may avoid emotional pain as a coping mechanism. Denial is a common initial response—serving as a protective measure to manage overwhelming feelings of grief. This stage can persist for days, months, or even years following a funeral.

Grief is universal and often described using five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, or, alternatively, seven stages that include shock, testing, and acceptance. As individuals navigate through these stages, the timeline is highly variable, influenced by personal circumstances and the significance of the loss. Denial can be particularly strong immediately after a loved one’s passing, generally lasting a few days to weeks. Some may feel improvement over time, while for others, grief may linger.

Ultimately, there are no set rules or time limits to grieving, and how long it lasts can significantly differ from person to person. Support from friends can aid those processing their grief.

What Happens If A Loved One Dies
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What Happens If A Loved One Dies?

The loss of a loved one often brings immense sorrow, complicating personal grief as one may feel responsible for supporting others. Following a death, numerous responsibilities arise, including planning funerals, closing financial accounts, and settling final bills. The first step is obtaining a legal pronouncement of death, which may require contacting a doctor if the deceased was not under care. Action steps differ based on the location of death—hospital, home, or hospice—but in instances of unexpected death at home, calling 911 is imperative to facilitate the transfer of the body for declaration.

Following this, important tasks include securing the deceased’s property, caring for any pets, and notifying necessary parties. A structured checklist can ease the overwhelming process, covering essential steps like acquiring legal documentation, transporting the body, and registering the death. If the loved one died in a hospice, a plan for post-death arrangements may already exist, streamlining the process.

Emotions during this time can be complex, and it is beneficial to seek support and information to navigate through grief and responsibilities effectively while honoring the memory of the deceased. Adjusting to these overwhelming tasks can be daunting, but proper planning and support can help manage the burden.

How To Deal With Someone In Denial
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How To Deal With Someone In Denial?

When someone you love is in denial about a problem, prioritize support rather than pushing them into treatment. Listening and offering to accompany them to seek professional help can be more effective. Denial serves as a psychological defense mechanism, allowing individuals to shield themselves from painful realities and emotional distress. It can act as both a temporary relief and a hurdle to personal growth. To support someone in denial, you should first challenge societal stigma surrounding mental health, which often prevents acknowledgment and treatment.

Recognizing signs of denial is crucial; effective communication is essential. Choose the right time and place for discussions, ensuring privacy and minimizing distractions. Be gentle and practice active listening, using "I" statements to express your feelings without judgment. If denial continues, it may be best to establish some distance for your own well-being.

Educate yourself about their condition, approach it from different perspectives, and encourage self-reflection. With your support and a safe environment, individuals can face their denial, begin to accept their situation, and take the first steps toward healing. Ultimately, fostering an understanding atmosphere can motivate them to confront their challenges and embark on a path toward a healthier, more fulfilling life.

What Is The Denial Stage Of Dying
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What Is The Denial Stage Of Dying?

The stages of grief, commonly abbreviated as DABDA, encompass five key phases: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Denial is the initial reaction to significant loss or a terminal diagnosis, wherein individuals may reject the reality of their situation, hoping for an erroneous yet preferred outcome. This coping mechanism often leads to isolation, as individuals may distance themselves from others who have accepted the truth. Denial serves as a protective barrier, helping individuals navigate overwhelming feelings and ensure emotional survival amidst distressing news.

In the context of grief, whether stemming from the death of a loved one or another significant change, denial is characterized by feelings of disconnection and disbelief. People may experience a sense of the world becoming meaningless and life feeling senseless. While denial may seem counterproductive, it can actually help individuals ease into the process of accepting their situation at a gradual pace.

Kubler-Ross’ model recognizes that grief is a universal experience that does not necessarily unfold in a linear order; individuals may move back and forth between these stages. The denial phase is crucial as it provides individuals with the necessary time to process difficult emotions regarding their loss, allowing them to eventually confront and navigate their grief more effectively.

What Is A Denial Stage Of Grief
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What Is A Denial Stage Of Grief?

People who have recently experienced the loss of a loved one often struggle with processing and accepting their grief. This emotional turmoil is frequently characterized by the denial stage, the first in Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's five-stage model of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. During the denial stage, individuals may forget or refuse to acknowledge the absence of the deceased, as facing such emotional pain can feel overwhelming.

It acts as a self-protective mechanism, allowing time to process shocking and distressing information. This stage is marked by feelings of disbelief, making reality seem unmanageable and life senseless. Isolation from friends and family can also occur, as it may feel too painful to discuss the loss. While these stages are often viewed as sequential, grief is a unique and individual experience, meaning people may move back and forth among them. Denial serves a critical role, creating a buffer against the distress while helping individuals gradually confront reality.

Ultimately, this process enables the individual to learn to live with their loss, leading them toward eventual acceptance. Understanding these stages can provide insight into the complex grieving journey that many undergo after the death of a loved one.

What Not To Do While Grieving
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What Not To Do While Grieving?

When grieving, it's essential to avoid specific pitfalls that can hinder your healing process. Do not dwell in the past or idealize the deceased or previous situations. Refusing to make necessary changes or indulging in self-pity can also prolong your grief. It's crucial to respect your body and not resort to alcohol or drugs as a means of coping; self-medicating emotional pain can complicate healing. Acknowledge and validate your feelings instead of hiding from them.

While navigating grief can be challenging and disorienting, maintaining communication is vital. Support others by expressing sentiments like "We all need help at times like this" to show the grieving individual that their emotions are valid. Avoid actions like isolating yourself or making drastic life changes during this vulnerable time. Understand that grief can manifest as sadness, anger, or even guilt and can interfere with daily functioning.

Embrace your feelings in healthy ways, allowing yourself to heal gradually. Lastly, if you're supporting someone in grief, be kind, avoid rushing them, and refrain from making assumptions. Grief is a complex journey, requiring patience and self-care to navigate successfully.

Is It Normal To Be In Denial When Someone Dies
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Is It Normal To Be In Denial When Someone Dies?

Denial following the death of a loved one is a natural stage of the grieving process. This emotional response occurs when the reality of the loss feels unreal, as individuals struggle to adjust to life without their loved ones. Aimee Daramus, PsyD, highlights that while one is aware of the loss, the emotional acceptance may not manifest immediately. During the denial stage, individuals may experience numbness and disbelief, making it challenging to accept the finality of death. Understanding these emotional shifts is crucial, especially when facing terminal illness or bereavement, as it offers insight into the person’s reactions and feelings.

Although denial can be a protective mechanism, preventing immediate pain, it may hinder the healing process if prolonged. Critical emotional pain must be faced for true grief to occur, and denial may lead to negative consequences such as insomnia and chronic depression if it becomes a way of escaping reality. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified denial as the first phase of grief, implying that it serves as a buffer against initial shock.

Notably, there is no standardized progression through the stages of grief; each individual's experience is unique, and the timeline may vary. For some, denial may offer necessary time to cope and prepare for what comes next. Ultimately, overcoming denial is essential for moving forward in the grieving journey.

What Is The Hardest Death To Grieve
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What Is The Hardest Death To Grieve?

Suicide, especially when sudden and violent, poses unique challenges for those left behind, often intensifying feelings of grief. The process of grieving is widely recognized as a learning experience where individuals must adapt to a new reality following a loved one's death. Research by neuroscientists highlights that grief possesses a universal framework, despite individual variations in emotional impact. While the loss of a younger sibling may evoke more profound grief than that of an older parent, the emotional toll varies individually.

The five stages of grief, initially outlined by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, help to contextualize the grieving process, which can manifest both physically and emotionally. The challenges faced differ, with some experiencing deep sadness and motivation loss, while others navigate denial and avoidance. Complicated grief is prevalent in females and older individuals, often exacerbated by unexpected tragedies. Survivors of suicide face distinct emotions, including guilt and anger toward themselves, which complicate their healing process.

Grief, whether from death, divorce, or other life disruptions, is an inevitable part of existence, underscored by the profound impact of attachment. Although the first year post-loss is often deemed the hardest, ongoing challenges persist in subsequent years as individuals continue to navigate the permanence of loss.


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Freya Gardon

Hi, I’m Freya Gardon, a Collaborative Family Lawyer with nearly a decade of experience at the Brisbane Family Law Centre. Over the years, I’ve embraced diverse roles—from lawyer and content writer to automation bot builder and legal product developer—all while maintaining a fresh and empathetic approach to family law. Currently in my final year of Psychology at the University of Wollongong, I’m excited to blend these skills to assist clients in innovative ways. I’m passionate about working with a team that thinks differently, and I bring that same creativity and sincerity to my blog about family law.

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15 comments

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  • I am 70 and just had “The talk” with my two sons and grandson. And I got the usual “You are moribid” “You are obsessed with death” “You just want to die” and the fabulous “Oh you’re not going to die”. But I persisted and finally got them to listen. This post was meant for me. Thanks to you.

  • My mom fought me for years. Finally, what broke her hard shell was fear. Yes, fear! Fear of getting cremated. All of my husband’s family has gotten cremated. Each and every time it would cause he so much anxiety & horror that she finally agreed to start planning her funeral, plus start paying on it. I contacted her church & we were able to set it all up. She made monthly payments & she had picked everything, except the flowers. This past July she died suddenly & it was nice to make one call. It was still stressful having to call family, friends & make other .arrangements, but at least she had paid most of her funeral off so the remaining balance was not a hard hit on the family. Thanks, mom!

  • I’m chronically ill and I’ve been super open with my mom about my last wishes. At first she thought it was just my depression talking, but the more we’ve talked about death, the more she’s taken me seriously. Our sweet 20yr old cat died a couple of weeks ago and your articles comforted me then as well. Thank you!!

  • I’m getting to this a bit late, but I ended up having a lot of death conversations over the holidays. My 9yo had a friend, T, die of cancer in early January. We knew about 6 weeks before T died that all treatment had been stopped and they had changed to palliative care. The family had a private cremation and your cremation article helped my kid understand what happened to T’s body. Then the family invited all of T’s friends and family to a celebration of life ceremony. We were told that T knew that he wasn’t going to make it and planned every bit of the ceremony. He had ask particular friends and family to speak, he choose photos for a slide show of his life, he picked people to sing particular songs (even T’s school song for all the kids to sing), and had his mom make a article explaining what had happened over the last year of his life. Afterwards they had ice cream and sausages for the kids to eat. It was an amazing, comforting event and very healing for T’s young friends. It also seemed to inspire some people to talk about death, end of life care, and after death care and ceremonies with their kids and families.

  • One day my half-brother and I were driving to a hospital to pick up our dad. We started to talk about morid stuff. I asked him what do you want to happened to your body after death. He totally shut me down and wouldn’t answer the question. About three months later he died. We didn’t know what to do with him, and that made the grieving process even harder.

  • My husband is the biggest denial in my family. The other day I was with my 5 y/o daughter passing by a cementery she told me that she doesn’t want to be buried, and I start talking about with her in a normal tone conversation, she started to get anxious about it! I told her that everything and everyone will died eventually she started to relax and even I crack some jokes with her to make her laugh, so the other day she came from kindergarten, and told me that she told her little friends that everyone is gonna died and that everyone gets really sad! 😅 I’m not sure what she said, but at least I talked to her about it and she feel normal expressing her feelings and doubts like if were another topic.

  • My great grandma is 101 years old and she’s just had a heart attack. Whenever I talk about her death, nobody wants to talk about it. But she’s literally 101 years old. It’s happening and will probably happen soon. They already know that they don’t HAVE to embalm her, but they’re not 100% sure what she wants because her brain isn’t so good. I just am glad your website exists. It makes me feel better.

  • I did have a person who was in death denial in my family, my dad. I have been subscribed for a while and you are the reason I have registered to be an organ/tissue donor when I die, and making him aware of my decision and talking about it helped him open up to telling me what he would like to happen when he passed. He is disabled and has been since he was 8 years old, he has severe and progressive psoriatic arthritis. I have never seen anyone with as severe arthritis as him and neither has he. He has decided he wants his body donated to science after multiple conversations about all different things you can do with your body after death, and instead of a lavish funeral he would like people to make donations to Arthritis Australia. When he passes, if I’m still around, I will be doing my absolute best to fulfill those wishes for him. Thank you Caitlin, thank you.

  • My grandmother passed away a few weeks ago and the funeral was yesterday. She was definitely a death positive person. Her will was filled out with great detail, she planned and paid for her funeral years ago down to the minute details. So when she died we just called up the funeral home and put everything into motion. It has allowed us to not be bogged down with bills and arranging things instead we could focus on grieving and on my grandmother and the memories she left us with. Also when we were speaking to the funeral director they mentioned the dreaded “E word” and I spoke with my family about embalming and they decided not to embalm her. The funeral was a lovely tribute to her and thanks to the death positivity and understanding of death I’ve been able to help support my family better and even managed to do a speech at the funeral. Thank you for helping me deal with death better PS no Benthams head this week 😭😭

  • I have to say that before I found your website, I was TERRIFIED of death. I’m in my mid 40’s and I had no plan. Since perusal your website I’ve started thinking about what I would want, and how it will effect my family. I don’t have it all figured out, but it’s something I have to discuss with my husband, and my boys. Thank you. No, seriously, thank you! 💖

  • This is REALLY long and I apologize, but I feel like an expert on death denial because, ironically, the family death denier was ME. Every time my mom would try to discuss her final wishes, I would put my fingers in my ears and yell until she stopped. I literally did that. I had convinced myself that she wasn’t really going to die any time soon. To be honest at that point my father had recently died after a lengthy illness and I had years of anticipatory grief and actual grief hitting me at once. His death broke me mentally, like, I was reaching Kayne after losing Donda levels of detachment and foolishness. I was 19, I had to leave college, and I would frequently have panic attacks about my mother or other people dying, about ME dying, the idea of death itself, etc. There were things I WANTED to believe, and things I really felt to be true. I actually went through a major spiritual transformation, which in turn helped me see death in a new light, and most inspiring, finding your website. I went through a phase of my grief where I really just wanted my dad back, but I knew he was gone, and somehow just had to know EVERYTHING about decomposition: how long does it take? does age and health affect the process? Does embalming keep the skin forever. I started to scare myself, but my grief counselor told me that what I was experiencing was 100% normal. What started as morbid curiosity turned into finding out what really scared me about death, and how important it is to face it so you know what you want to happen to your body.

  • About a month ago I was introduced to your website by my boyfriend and I have been perusal all of your articles in order from oldest to newest. So about a week ago I was sitting around the table with my 2 sisters, my mom, and my grandmother and we got on the subject of what we have been perusal. I told them I have been perusal your articles and told them some of the things I have learned. I then told them what I wanted after I die and just like that we all discussed what we wanted. It was so enlightening and was not what I expected from my family. We are close but anything that is to deep we stay away from. So yeah. I love your youtube articles and I will probably venture into your other social media after I finish catching up with your youtube articles. I’m not to adventurous when it comes to social media. Anyway, thanks for being you. A little nobody from Cecilia, Louisiana is perusal your articles. I am now a loyal deathling.

  • You opened my eyes to not being embalmed and I choose to go that route. When I expressed this to a few family members who know how important the earth is to me and how I’m not going to pollute the earth one last time at death. (I try very hard to live green within reason) I’m going to have to get that notarized in a plan bc I don’t know if my family truly understands you don’t HAVE to be embalmed at death and how to stand up for what I want. They are starting to understand why I’m choosing this and after several times of them changing the subject, I chose to just bring it up the next time with evidence of formaldehyde leaking into the ground as well as into the air during cremation. Not to mention the evidence that the corpse isn’t immediately a disease factory after death (unless of course the person died of an infectious disease) as commonly misinformed to the public. I now know that even after multiple deaths on both sides of my family, nobody really understands their rights. I’m trying to research and make the topic less taboo bc it is something we all will have to go through whether anyone wants to speak of it or not

  • I’m 27 years old and I suffer from multiple chronic illnesses and I’m currently undergoing intensive chemotherapy. My family disregards every discussion or tries to change the subject every time I bring up the very real likelihood that I will pass away before everyone else. My mom can’t fathom the idea and while I truly sympathize with her, I want her to understand that when the time comes, I’m ready. I’ve been suffering for long that death means no more pain. I hope they come around soon.

  • This makes me so grateful that my parents were always so frank about death once I was old enough to understand the concept. Sometimes, my mom and I will just be shooting the shit and end up talking about how cost efficient our plans will be or how hilarious and ‘me’ it would be if the wind blew my ashes back into their faces as they tried to scatter them.

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