Backing your partner up is crucial for a harmonious and successful parenting relationship. It involves consistent support, communication, unity, strengths, and love between parents. Research has shown that three big parenting skills lead to happier, well-connected families who love and listen to each other, while following rules and respecting each other. Parents often disagree on how to discipline their children, but following these guidelines can help manage disagreements and foster a supportive environment.
Raising children as a team is beneficial for both children and parents. Parenting teamwork involves problem-solving, managing conflict, talking, listening, backing each other up, and accepting each other. It is important not to polarize roles so that one parent is the disciplinarian while the other is more nurturing or playful. Establishing a tie-breaker and sharing experiences can help alleviate stress and provide practical advice.
Co-parents should be supportive of each other, not polarizing roles so that one parent is the disciplinarian and the other is nurturing or playful. Engaging with other parents in support groups gives strength and confidence to face parenting challenges. Sharing experiences and supporting one another can help build a sense of belonging and camaraderie.
Dr. Alignay outlined three ways moms can offer support to each other: offering a listening ear, having family rules, supporting each other, and being consistent. This helps children feel secure and encourages positive behavior in children. Backing up your co-parent in front of your children is a loaded act in today’s era where domestic equality is contested daily.
In order to support your partner through challenging parenting times, couples need to take time to discuss concerning issues and find ways to be supportive of each other while transitioning from partners to parents. By respecting each other’s differences and backing each other up, children can thrive from having parents with different styles.
| Article | Description | Site |
|---|---|---|
| Parenting: backing each other up | Key points. When you back each other up as parents, children feel secure. It can also help with encouraging positive behaviour in children. | raisingchildren.net.au |
| Parenting teamwork: why it’s important | Parenting teamwork helps you face the ups and downs of family life in a positive way that minimises conflict and strengthens relationships. | raisingchildren.net.au |
| Should Parents Gas Each Other Up More? | Gassing up your co-parent in front of your children is a loaded act in this era where domestic equality is contested on a granular daily basis. | thecut.com |
📹 A Test to Judge How Good Your Parents Were
Having had a good enough parent is a vital component of mental health in adulthood. But what really is a good enough parent?
What Age Is The Hardest To Parent?
A recent study indicates that the most challenging age for parents is 8, followed closely by ages 6 and 7. The research, conducted by Suniya Luthar and Lucia Ciciolla at Arizona State University, surveyed over 2, 000 educated mothers and highlighted the complexities of parenting during the pre-tween phase. Interestingly, while some parents believed years 12 to 14 were the hardest, many agreed that age 8 posed unique challenges as children undergo significant physical, emotional, and mental growth during this time.
Parents commented on their experiences, with one noting that the toughest period for her was ages 0-4 due to postpartum depression and lack of sleep, while others found the transition between ages 7 to 10 to be particularly difficult. Eight-year-olds often display stubborn behavior as they strive for independence yet still crave affection. Parents experienced a mixture of challenges; for instance, a mother of four mentioned different difficulties for each child.
While the toddler stage is often labeled as tough, many parents cited the unpredictable behavior of 8-year-olds— such as eye-rolling and slamming doors— as particularly demanding. Ultimately, the consensus suggests that the pre-tween years are indeed critical, requiring parents to navigate their child's evolving needs and behaviors.
What Happens When Parents Aren'T Supportive?
The absence of emotional support from parents can profoundly affect a child's development and relationships. Children may experience feelings of loneliness, awkwardness, and a lack of understanding. Emotionally unavailable parents often provide inconsistent love, creating confusion and insecurity in their children. A parent may be warm one day and distant the next, leading to further emotional turmoil. Such parents are physically present but emotionally detached, sometimes rendering them a source of stress rather than support.
This emotional unavailability can feel like neglect, where a child's basic emotional needs go unmet. Recognizing the signs of emotionally unavailable parents can help in managing expectations and coping with the challenges they pose. Children raised in these environments may develop unstable friendships and relationship issues, struggling with emotional neediness. It’s crucial to acknowledge and address these feelings, especially during significant events like holidays when emotions can intensify.
To cope, children might learn to lower their expectations for parental support and seek understanding from others. Acknowledging that parents may have their struggles can also provide perspective. Ultimately, healing is possible, and fostering resilience can help individuals thrive despite their childhood experiences of emotional unavailability. Recognizing and working through these dynamics can pave the way for healthier relationships in the future.
Why Is It Important For Families To Support Each Other?
Family support plays a vital role in encouraging individuals to pursue their dreams and fosters resilience amid challenges. Family members often act as role models, demonstrating effective coping strategies for life's ups and downs. Positive family relationships contribute to problem-solving, teamwork, and enjoyment within the family unit, relying on quality time, communication, and appreciation. In today's hectic society, making time for family is essential, whether through vacations or shared meals.
Families provide various forms of support, including informational and tangible aid, which deepen their bonds through shared experiences during tough times. Strong families are characterized by warmth, effective communication, and predictable environments, reinforcing their connections. Family rituals allow members to reconnect and share experiences, enhancing their emotional security and well-being. Support from family members is crucial for children and youth, particularly in the face of adversity brought on by stigma or prejudice.
The emotional backing from family fosters personal growth and overall health. Additionally, strong family dynamics can alleviate stress and promote healthier lifestyles. Communicating effectively within families solidifies these relationships, allowing children to learn positive behaviors and ensuring their safety in care settings. Overall, family support underpins individual well-being and societal harmony.
Why Do Parents Back Each Other Up?
Backing each other up as parents is crucial for fostering a sense of security and encouraging positive behavior in children. It involves establishing family rules, supporting each other's decisions, and being consistent in parenting approaches. Parents should be united, ensuring that if one disciplines a child, the other supports that decision, even if they disagree. Presenting a unified front is vital; otherwise, it may undermine parental authority and confuse children, leading to anxiety and poor behavior.
When arguments occur, they can impact children negatively and affect their academic performance. Columnist Kathryn Jezer-Morton reflects on the importance of co-parents praising each other in front of their children to foster a supportive environment. Parents’ relationships and their dynamics significantly influence children’s well-being, potentially affecting mental health, academic success, and future relationships. It’s important for parents to compromise and spend quality time together as a couple.
Despite individual parenting styles being beneficial, mutual respect and support are key. Signs of parental undermining, like contradicting each other in front of children, can harm family dynamics. Ultimately, children thrive when parents effectively back each other up, demonstrating a collaborative approach to discipline and decision-making. This fosters an atmosphere of trust and belonging that is essential for healthy child development.
What Age Is Divorce Most Damaging To A Child?
Children aged 6 to 12 often experience the most profound emotional struggles during their parents' divorce because they can recall the positive aspects of family life. This age group frequently grapples with feelings of abandonment and confusion regarding the reasons for the separation. Younger children, particularly those in preschool, show varied reactions—ranging from tears to withdrawal—highlighting their inability to fully comprehend the complexities of divorce.
Adolescents aged 13 to 18 face their challenges, exhibiting emotions like anger and resentment amidst their evolving identities and self-esteem issues. Evidence suggests that no specific age can shield a child from the pains of divorce, but children are particularly vulnerable from ages 3 to 12. The turmoil of parental separation can also affect infants and very young children, possibly leading to clinginess or difficulty in being consoled. Statistically, a significant portion of divorces occurs within the first 14 years of marriage, with subsequent remarriages increasing the risk of emotional distress among children.
Research underscores the need for parents to approach the topic of divorce with sensitivity, tailoring conversations to align with their child’s developmental stage. Thus, while age alone is not the sole determinant of the impact of divorce, it undeniably plays a crucial role in how children process and cope with familial changes.
What If My Child Seeks Support Against His Other Parent?
If your child seeks your support against his other parent, it’s crucial to validate his feelings while encouraging direct communication with the other parent. Help him articulate his thoughts without taking sides. Remaining reasonable and facilitating communication is key to demonstrating your fitness for custody. Avoid actions like yelling, alienation, or bad-mouthing, as these can harm your custody case. If a restraining order is in place, you may temporarily act as the sole custodian, though the other parent might seek custody later.
Understanding child support obligations is vital, as financial stability plays a role in custody decisions. If the other parent threatens to violate court orders regarding the children, consulting a child custody lawyer is advisable. Be wary of situations like malicious parent syndrome, where one parent disparages the other.
Bad-mouthing the other parent can indeed jeopardize custody. It’s essential to stay active in your children’s education and support their relationship with both parents, even if they express a desire to live with the other parent. Encouraging visitation and seeking professional help can positively impact your child’s adjustment. Always prioritize understanding your child's perspective while fostering a cooperative relationship with the other parent.
Are You Parenting As A Team?
Parenting as a team is essential for couples raising children together. Disagreements on discipline are natural, but effective teamwork leads to a unified approach that promotes a child's healthy development. Team parenting involves shared beliefs, mutual support, and appreciation of each other's styles, allowing parents to work collaboratively toward common goals. It’s crucial for parents to understand each other's unique bonds with their children and adapt their strategies accordingly.
Key elements of successful team parenting include communication, consistency, task-sharing, and recognizing each other’s efforts. Parents should explore their feelings and listen to one another to foster an environment of support. Evaluating how their parents raised them can assist couples in determining their own parenting philosophies.
Parenting teamwork alleviates stress and enhances satisfaction, creating a positive family dynamic. It requires practice, openness, and valuing each other’s strengths, leading to effective conflict management and problem-solving. Ultimately, when both parents engage actively in their child’s life, they lay the foundation for a nurturing environment crucial for the child's well-being. Programs focused on enhancing parenting teamwork can guide couples in balancing their relationship while co-parenting, offering strategies to strengthen both their marriage and their connection with their children.
Are Parents Supposed To Be Supportive?
Research indicates that supportive parenting significantly benefits children's emotional and social development, equipping them to handle stress, regulate emotions, and relate well to others. This parenting style includes encouraging effort, listening without judgment, celebrating achievements, and maintaining consistent expectations and consequences. However, inconsistent behavior from a parent, as seen in Edmund's relationship with his son Mylan, can lead to emotional confusion and insecurity.
Parents play a crucial role in fostering a safe, nurturing environment where children feel understood and validated. Supportive parents prioritize their children's best interests by being present, involved, and responsive, which is vital for both home and school success. Such parents actively listen, validate feelings, and allow children to solve problems independently, helping them feel more secure. Conversely, emotionally unavailable parents create uncertainty, leading to unstable affection.
It's essential for parents to understand their influence and strive to provide consistent support, warmth, and nurturing to foster strong emotional bonds and trust with their children. This article also outlines ways to recognize unsupportive behaviors and offers tips for becoming the supportive parent you aspire to be, emphasizing the importance of emotional engagement in child development.
Who Suffers Most In Divorce?
Research suggests that life after divorce is notably more traumatic for men than for women, as it leads to greater emotional distress and physical decline. Women initiate approximately 70% of divorces, often leaving men unprepared for the emotional fallout. Many people look forward to the independence and personal identity they feel they've lost during marriage, yet the shock of divorce significantly impacts how both genders cope with the situation.
In traditional divorce settlements, while both genders experience an uptick in mortality rates following separation—1, 773 deaths per 100, 000 for men versus 1, 096 for women—this reflects the broader emotional consequences men endure post-divorce.
Statistically, women are far more likely to initiate divorce proceedings in the U. S., and, although both experience substantial losses, men generally face more profound emotional and psychological challenges. Financial disparities are prevalent, with women encountering a sharper decline in household income and higher poverty risks, but men often lose vital familial bonds and happiness. The complexities of divorce create varied impacts depending on individual circumstances and resilience, leading to ongoing debates about gender differences in post-divorce burdens. Ultimately, divorce represents significant loss for both parties, with studies indicating that emotional suffering can be more pronounced for men, particularly when marriages lack emotional support.
What Are Strong Family Ties?
Strengthening family bonds involves creating deeper emotional connections among family members, fostering love, respect, trust, and understanding. Engaging in shared activities such as family meals, game nights, or outings can enhance these ties. Studies highlight that strong family connections lead to better outcomes for children, reducing risks of negative behaviors like substance abuse, while also promoting positive behaviors, academic success, and improved communication.
Family bonds unite individuals—parents, siblings, and extended family—offering emotional support and a sense of belonging, which is vital for mental health. Maintaining strong family relationships requires consistent effort, engaging in enjoyable activities, and fostering effective communication. Prioritizing quality time together, whether through family movie nights or outdoor adventures, strengthens these connections.
Additionally, family traditions and values create a cohesive identity, providing practical support and help in coping with stress. Building healthy family relationships ultimately contributes to overall well-being and happiness, emphasizing the importance of love, security, and a reliable support system.
📹 10 Characteristics Of Highly Toxic Parents
DISCLAIMER: This video is for educational purposes only. This video is not a substitute for professional diagnosis, advice, …
It’s depressing that my father delighted in humiliating us. He complained bitterly of his own childhood while abusing us. My mother never intervened and also was neglectful. It’s sad that some adult children still try to win their parent’s love but still aren’t able to see themselves as deserving of self love.
my parents were both raised by strict and emotionally unavailable parents. they tried their best with me, but messed up sometimes. I remember once after I was spanked quite suddenly many times for knocking over a fishtank while running inside, my dad came into my room and gently apologized, explained that he shouldn’t have reacted that way, but was frustrated and asked me not to play roughly in the house again. That strength to apologize has stuck with me to this day, and I respect authority that can admit when they are wrong.
I remember when I was younger, a lot of parents used to joke to my parents about a rebelion phase and my parents always just kinda shrugged because I never really had one. I never felt the need to rebel. I always from day one felt respected and that my opinions mattered. Yeah, I pushed boundaries, but I never felt the need to rebel because there wasn’t anything to rebel against.
A little PSA: Just because your parents “tried their best” doesn’t automatically mean you had a good childhood, and you don’t owe it to them to think that you did. You can love your parents just as much while still acknowledging the mistakes they made and the traumatizing effects they may have had on you.
I grew up in a very poor community in Brazil and my father died when I was 6. Seeing this reminds me of how wonderful my mother was, working as much as she could to pay me English courses and a private teacher because I was slow at learning. Now I am getting my degree as an Engineer. That’s true love that can create better humans.
My parents never tried their best! They said they suffered, so we must suffer. Criminal levels of physical, sexual, and mental abuse. I ended that cycle. I did want children, I was scared of perpetuating that abuse. I took parenting classes, sought women in my community who were good mothers. I broke that chain!
Growing up I was shocked to see how nice my friends parents were. No drunkenness, no yelling, no police at the door on holidays. No punishments, no endless list of “chores ” to do. Once I had a bad grade on a report card and my father nailed it to the bedroom wall. My sister was punched and my brother and I were beaten with a belt as punishment. Both my parents were angry people. I remember being invited to a friend’s house for dinner. It was so pleasant. Then I knew for sure our family was not normal. This impacts your self esteem. I didn’t realize I was smart until I was drafted into the army and passed a test for Officer Candidate School. That changed my life.
One of the frequent traits that I’ve seen in my parents is that everytime I confront them about a certain behavior or attitude, they start complaining and saying how worst they used to got it and they start projecting all their traumas and end up ignoring or dismissing completely what I was talking about in the first place
People don’t realize that you have to be very selfless, responsible, and empathetic to have a child. The point of raising a child and having a family is that you want to bring someone of your own into this world to love, to nurture, to help shape into someone better than yourself, not to continue a bloodline or to live vicariously through, or to abuse or control or fill a void, and heaven forbid to “save a relationship”
When I was young, my dad was using a tractor to clear out a bunch of trees on our property because he wanted to build something where they were. I was outside playing, occasionally perusal him, not thinking much about it. But everytime I glanced up, there were fewer and fewer trees, until there was just one. I watched him as he rammed the tractor into that tree, trying to push it over (these weren’t great big trees, only about a foot in diameter). He rammed it again and again, this one particular tree was more difficult to topple over than the others. Each impact, he was knocking off the bark and putting a bigger and bigger dent into the tree and it began to really upset me. I ran over to him crying, and he immediately jumped off the tractor to came to me. I think he probably thought I was hurt or something. I told him that he was hurting the tree and I couldnt stand it. It was almost like I could feel the pain of being rammed like that over and over again, of course I was too young to articulate that to him, all he knew was that I was really upset about it. He kind of sighed at me and said that he would leave it alone and let it stay there. This made me very happy and calmed me right away. He put the tractor back in the barn and said he’d just build further back than he originally wanted to. Later that day, I went outside again to look at that tree, and my dad had wrapped it in literal bandages made for people to cover its “wound”. I loved my dad so much.
I’m the son of a fatherless father, and it took me a long time to figure out how large of an effect that had on my life. My parents were and still are decent, well-meaning people, but they both come from troubled households and kinda winged it with me and my sisters. They didn’t do a terrible job, but there were plenty of shortcomings in my childhood that made me a little off. Still, they were better parents than their parents, and I plan to be a better parent than my own. I think that’s how the cycle should go.
Oldest of nine. For all intents and purposes, I lost my parents when I was 6. Instead I got two bosses that made me their unpaid live-in nanny. Being expected to act like an adult and care for children while still being a child yourself takes a lot of mental gymnastics to get through. And after nearly 20 years of being blamed and punished for even minor mistakes I did and didn’t make, it takes a toll. Especially when you’re trying to balance school and/or a job. I literally dropped out of college and got a job I hated just to help that woman with bills in addition to looking after my younger siblings before and after work. It still wasn’t enough. So what did I get for it? A mother who thinks she still has control over me even after I moved out, a father who still thinks I should drop everything and drive an hour away just to have a meaningless conversation with him, and eight siblings who resent me for trying to be the parent I shouldn’t have had to be. Of course, the rest of the family doesn’t see that. As far as they know, I’m the ungrateful son that left his mother hanging once he found stable employment. But I’m ok with that. I’m over pleasing people just to keep the peace. I’d rather be disowned than miserable.
I was raised by a single mom who was raised by an abusive mother and she decided to change the cycle and not to raise me and my sister with physical and psychological violence. And I’m so grateful for that, because we have an amazing relationship, she allowed me to be a weird and curious kid and still supports me a lot.
“He is not giving me a hard time, he is having a hard time” is my mantra both with my difficult students and when my 8 month old is up all night teething or something. (Also, in response to the last one, I don’t expect exactly reciprocal love, but baby grabbed my face and tried to kiss my cheek for the first time this week and I just about burst into happy tears.)
I will acknowledge that I now understand what my Dad went through as a child and how that shaped him, and that he vastly improved upon the formula he was shown. And I will also acknowledge that the formula he received was SO far off the mark that even my dad’s extensive improvements are not enough, and my childhood was still not optimal, with several large, glaring errors that negatively shaped my development. And I’ll acknowledge that my own improvements to the formula may not be enough, but I will do everything in my power to prevent that. I will give it my all. I need my kid to feel that they are loved unconditionally, valued for who they are, seen and heard, and that they owe me absolutely nothing in return for my love and care.
Moral of the story: Don’t get kids just because you want to have kids. Get kids because you know how responsible you have to be and you know you’re ready for it. You can help your child have a good future (mental health, healthy surroundings etc) or you can destroy it. Children are human beings and should never be born to make a family “complete” or to say “I achieved something, I have kids”.
I came to have my heart broken because I’ve gone through every checklist of how my parents failed me, but as soon as the test started I remembered that I laid on the floor with my 4 year old today, we fed the fish together, she pretended to be a cat and then fell asleep in my lap while perusal her favorite Tim burton movie. She got sad because she didn’t get to feed the fish their shrimp treats because I had mixed them with their flakes so I showed he she had indeed put the treats in there. As the article went on I kind of forgot about my childhood and started identifying myself with the “good parent” described in the article. I really needed that, because some days I don’t feel like I’m doing my best or I feel overwhelmed but this was a nice reminder. Thank you.
I agree with everything except the last bit about it all paying off when you see your child become a good parent themselves. I think it’s better to say it pays off to see your child be able to function in society and be a whole, healthy person. Not everyone needs to become a parent to have succeeded and had a good life.
allowing kids the luxury to pick their own identity is so important even if the identity is meant lovingly. i grew up as “the smart/gifted one” and began to place such expectations on myself that i would cry if i got a B in school and feel unworthy to receive christmas gifts if i felt like i wasnt meeting my potential.
My mom kicked me out at age 17, step dad and I fought. Was homeless for a year working on my YouTube website. Also I didn’t know my biological father🤷 never met the guy or had a convo. I’m 23 now, I push people away, I smoke, I didn’t have anxiety but now I do. Not sure why I’m writing this, I was trying to relate to the article but…
When your parent says “I should be able to say something without you getting mad because you don’t like what I have to say,” you should realize that it is okay to feel upset. Because people get upset when things that they don’t like are said or done. Your feelings are valid. I wish someone had told me that.
My parents have this philosophy that children must be treated like “adults”. I grew up wherein everything has consequences and those consequences are corporal punishment or deprivation of something I enjoy. I was about 4yrs old when I forgot to consume the milk my mom prepared for me coz I was busy perusal tv I just forgot about it. She got so angry and punished me by isolating me in the room and not allowing me to eat half day. I think it was pretty unreasonable given I was only a little child back then. But then again she has this motto that I “should’ve had known better”. I have so many other bad experiences for the first 12yrs of my life and up until now those memories never left me.
Forgot some : A good parent believes their child even if it puts them in an akward situation with uncle Fred / the teacher / spouse A good parent doesn’t compare or comment their child’s body no matter how A good parent doesn’t treat their boy and girl differently (you’re so brave // you’re so pretty, Wow you climbed so high ! // A pretty mouth shouldn’t be saying such ugly words) A good parent protects theirs child from dangers and any form of abuse no matter the circumstance A good parent doesn’t compare their child to their friends or classmates that behave better / work harder A good parent takes action when their child says they want to die, and don’t complain / joke about it / downplay it / ignore it A good parent helps their child even if it’s embarrassing that their 16 y.o is is anxious to order pizza on the phone. They should help them and support them as long as they need it. A good parent doesn’t let their child be friends with their bullies because they’re lonely (family members / school), they find ways to socialise them with new ppl so they have REAL friends A good parent pays attention to their angry tennager who’s going through a lot and doesn’t ground them/ tell them they are ungrateful / misbehaved
The part about allowing imaginary friends hit home with me. My child had two named Markie and Lisa. Lisa was the voice of reason while Markie was the instigator and troublemaker. One Easter I decided to make a basket for Markie as well and when my child found two and asked I told her one was for Markie. She got this weird look on her face and whispered to me. “But Mom, I’m Markie”. Thank goodness Markie and Lisa both left for China soon after that.
This article made me emotional. I really have amazing parents, there’s no other way to put it. I’m almost 30 and I often stumble realizing that not everyone had the same fortune. Hope everyone here had the chance to realize how difficult it is / it has been for their parents, and makes the best effort in their possibilities to take the best examples and to learn from the mistakes everyone is bound to stumble upon.
5:57 I started crying at this part, it was so sudden i shocked myself. I’m still a teen, but I feel like I was forced to be 18+ before the time has come. My mother keeps sharing financial burdens with me, and I find myself stressing about money and being stingy before I needed to. I know it’s hard for my mom, but I feel like I’m expected to be an equal adult in my early teens
The older i get the more i realize how terrible my mom was to my brother and i. she would let us sit in our rooms crying all the time leaving us alone. if we upset her, she would stand in the doorway of our rooms and scream at the top of her lungs at us, rarely can i recall very much affection for my brother and i towards us. when i think about it now, we were almost strangers to her. I can understand why im so different than so many people in the world. i never seem to fit in, im always so boring and in my own little world. i always sit in rooms and observe instead of joining into conversations. i almost feel like i was traumatized as a kid, and only as an adult im very slowly working out how to overcome it all.
Once I was playing outside. I fell and injured myself. I was about 9. I remember looking at my leg and the first thing I thought was: I hope mom doesn’t get mad at me. I was scared and didn’t want to go home so instead I went to a neighbor, she fixed me up really quick. She was so nice. Forgiveness / understanding was a real issue in my family. It still is.
This article should be part of a basic, “so you’re going to be a parent” Package parents-to-be are issued. As a single parent who’s had to learn with the help of a therapist exactly how to be a good parent, this is an amazing summary of many of the most important lessons I’ve had to learn about what a parent is supposed to act like. There is one very important thing I feel you overlooked: Repair. When the parent DOES scare or intimidate or instill terror within their child, they must learn to repair the damage done. That means going to see the child, ask them if they would like to talk. If so, begin apologizing sincerely & directly explaining what mommy or daddy did was wrong. Ask them how it made them feel. And so on. Repair is an overlooked step. Even Gabor Mate does this! Anyway truly great content. Love the website.
I think my parents were close to perfect. They are long gone now but still missed and appreciated. I guess I raised my kids the same way. As soon as the little ones were old enough they were always given input into decisions and listened to. We respected their thoughts and the respect was returned. I think respect is the answer to most interaction between families and everyone else. They were taught early to be independent. I don’t remember an actual argument or fight because we discussed things. If we decided something was not a good idea or not safe, they actually listened. My 3 kids grew up in a household without conflict as did I. They never got physically punished. They are well-adjusted, educated adults and we are still close. My parents were wonderful. We children (now only my brother and I are left – our sister passed away) frequently discuss how much they meant to us and the wonderful values they passed on. I am blessed.
I just turned 16 about a couple weeks ago and perusal this, I’m genuinely surprised at so much of this article because I’ve absolutely never felt like I was a kid. My friends and teachers always joke that I’m 30 because I have most of the responsibilities as one, I manage the family budget and help my parents with their money, I cook, clean, take care of my sister, our pets, and even then I’m on the verge of being kicked out for “not doing enough”. perusal this and reading through the comments I find solace in knowing not everyone had grown up the way I did. Edit: Hey everyone! It’s been a few months but I just looked back and I really appreciate your kind words. I didn’t expect people to see this as much as they did, but I really appreciate the things you all have said, it means a lot to me! I have a plan to move out and into a home with my long-term boyfriend when I’m 18, we’ve been dating almost two years now and he’s entering the military soon, so with my good grades and spousal benefits I should be set up to go to college 🙂 Again, thank you all! I hope you are doing well! One last thing as well, I don’t remember who said this originally but it’s a quote that’s helped me a lot getting through the responsibilities and having to deal with my parents; ” No one enters this world experiencing violence for the first time by committing it themselves “
I remember being annoyed with my mom all the time as a kid, but telling myself that these things were normal. After going through this checklist, I can better understand that while she wasn’t an abusive or cruel parent, she wasn’t a great one either. I always grew up being told that “I need to cut her some slack” and “she’s doing her best”, and while I did and still do understand that, I also need a mother like this article talks about. Someone steady and reliable. Not someone that I felt that I had to support. Not someone I felt that I had to take care of, that I had to be there for.
5:35 to 5:55. Man, that hit hard. My parents unknowingly made me their marriage counsellor from a very young age, and to those who can’t relate, let me tell you, a young child does NOT, i repeat, NOT, need to bear the burden of trying to figure out whats going on between their parents. They don’t need every single detail that comes up between the parents. Because it puts a fear into the child’s mind. Their loving, caring, nurturing mummy and daddy become, to their young, imaginative, emotion-driven mind, two dragons spewing fire at each other and shooting the metaphorical “laser beams” at each other during dinner conversations. I don’t know ’bout you, but that was pretty scary for me. I still am going through the repercussions of that. And to be honest, those experiences tarnished my view of marriage for me. All I see in a marriage now is a grumpy, complaining, partner who wouldn’t care about me and throw mud at me from behind my back.
When I was a kid, I once made fun of my baby bro coz he cried when his teletubbies doll fell down the stairs. Mym mom scolded me for it and she scooped him up and consoled him and cooked him his favourite chicken for comfort as if someone died. I didn’t understand back then. What my immature mind did understand though is that my mom would be angry at me if I laughed when someone’s sad. Now I’m 35, and I have to say all 3 of us grew up being confident, compassionate and successful. Emotional growth is something parents always neglected but extremely important. I hope more parents realise this and provide a good environment for their kids to grow.
School and friends meant everything to me; I really wanted to attend my high school farewell because I hated the environment at my home, but in the name of my sister’s marriage I was dragged alway several states so I ended up missing it. I will always remember that incident at the railway station where my mother pointed to an old lady being helped down the train by his son and said ” take care of me when I am old like that”. Many years later I have ghosted her, she can take care of herself.
Both my parents were psychologically disturbed; one with NPD, one with BPD and severe depression; the former was born with his issues, the latter developed hers because of abuse, both of them were abused as children and they didn’t bother to show any attempt to break the cycle. I have endured every kind of abuse possible, so I can only watch articles like this with morbid curiosity and wonder if other people out there are doing the same, feeling the same. Truth is, all children deserve parents, not all parents deserve children. I’m not looking for pity, just connectivity; I want other people out there to know they’re not alone and that it’s okay if you’re not okay. I speak from experience saying that you can survive, even if it doesn’t feel that way, just don’t give up hope. You don’t have to forgive, and you for damn sure don’t need to let them stay in your life. It’s okay to say “no.” It’s okay to say “I deserve better than you.” Because you did, and you still do. Parent yourself, even if you’re an adult now, and be kind to yourself in the ways they should’ve been, because for some of us… that’s the best outcome, and while it’s not okay that they hurt you, you can get through this.
This was the best description of good parenting I’ve ever heard. I’m gonna come back to this regularly although I’m not a parent. I think knowing what a good parent is makes you a better person out in the world as well. Seeing the world from a child’s view makes us all kinder and life much more beautiful, exciting, and worthy of living.
And here my parents are telling everyone that they raised me well because they raised me to be like a doll and only do whatever the command when they commanded it. My mom legit said that she would take a 3 hour nap sometimes and strictly would tell me not to move from the couch and she’d find me sitting without having moved an inch still perusal tv, not having changed the website or having gotten up to get anything. I swear the only reason I’m different from them and didn’t turn out being insane is because my grandma would help raise me when my parents were working for year and years of my life. I love her more than anyone else in the world and I visit her all the time.
One of the biggest things i agree with is your child should never know you completely, until you are an adult. They know you are your own human but your role is their parent. Growing up my mom treated her children more as her little friends and i grew up with a lot of anxiety over things i shouldn’t have even been thinking about at such a young age.
my parents raised me without ever showing healthy ways of coping with emotions, quite void of love and more full of anger and frustration. i don’t think i’ll ever have children because even then i do not think i could express my emotions in a healthy way to set a better example for a growing child. i don’t want anyone to grow up like that
My mother always provided me with the bare essentials (food, shelter, clothes), but as I grew older, what I needed from her emotionally was essentially absent. I didn’t blame her because I knew she had her own life to deal with too, but in the same vein I still kind of resent her because she made me go through the hardest years of my life alone, essentially turning me into a people pleaser who’s scared to let anyone in. Can’t say much for my dad though. He somehow managed to be absent without ever leaving home. :/
I believe that it should be mandatory for parents to go through a certain course and test to be eligble to raise a child. Because the damage that a parent can make on a child’s life is immense and therefore that power should only come into the right hands. Not all parents deserve to be parents and deserve a child.
Also, showing interest in your child is so often forgotten. Ask them about what they enjoy and what they are doing and what they are dreaming of. Many parents project their own image of their child into the child without actually showing interest in what the child wants to portray. It can make a child feel quite unimportant if parents are too involved with themselves.
Only thing I disagree is the whole “oh the reward your parents get is you being a good parent” thing because I’ve heard something similar from my mom, even though ever since I was a child, I was adamant that I never wanted kids. I still don’t. Not everyone wants kids so I don’t think that should be the one thing promoted as a reward to your parents. We don’t owe our parents grandkids nor should we feel pressured to.
I had never realized I actually had a bad childhood until I started therapy. I always thought that way due to the lack of a huge traumatic event, when in reality I can see now what I had was a succession of little traumas due to the way I was treated for being obviously gay, or at least very sensitive and a bit feminine from a young age. Turns out having panic attack-like symptoms daily throughout your childhood isn’t normal and it’s the sort of thing that will definitively come back and bite you in the ass as an adult.
Honestly i wish my parents saw this before having me. Tired of being a therapist,a baby sitter,an assistant. Im more of an investment then their child. Im tired that i have to be their cookie cutter version of them. They dont say their disappointed but you see them disappointed or mad on why you’re so ‘rebellious’ (aka not what they wanted you to be)
#5 Clinginess is so spot on. As a child my mother let me be as independent or dependent as I wanted to be on her. I never had to question her love or is she would there we I needed. She never dismissed or belittled me when I was “clingier” than normal. She saw it as a symptom of something else, not a flaw. My father, on the other hand, was very “buck up”, “rub some dirt in it”, “I didn’t raise you to be weak” kind of guy. My siblings and I tell him nothing. We know his love is conditional. When we behave as he wants us to? Praise. When we don’t? Woof. Now, in his fifties with grown children, he’s always in his feels about all three of his kids preferring our mother over him and it’s because he never made us feel “safe” about needing help, being scared, or just wanting be physically close to your caregiver for comfort.
-Always talked at me, not to me -Never the least bit interested in hearing about my interests as a kid, instead forcing theirs. -Zero emotion shown for clinical diagnosis of anxiety and depression -Zero emotion shown for a high grade fever lasting 5 days. -All free time was planned out for me. 0/8. No grandchildren for you.
I remember, that I wasn’t exactly happy as a child. Then, my parents started calling me Grumpy and making fun of me, and of course, my sister joined them. I also have a problem with overworking myself, since my parents are all about work. Because,,Free time comes after you’ve done all your (plus some additional) work!” But of course, now, my parents don’t remember any of that 😞
I didn’t realize both my parents were emotionally absent until I started “The Emotionally Absent Mother” book. It’s okay to acknowledge she tried her best, and that she failed to provide a lot of what emotionally grounds a child—and grows them into a grounded emotionally healthy adult. Now I better understand my issues and struggles as an adult, and learning what I should provide for my future children…
I can’t imagine a child that was never told they were loved…this is extremely important, and yet today you still find people who were never told they were loved and this effected them for the rest of their lives. I know people say, oh my mom showed her love by cooking food for us…or in our household it was never said but understood that we were loved…that’s just not enough. Tell you children that you love them..or maybe don’t have children.
I get really pissed off thinking about how I was raised. I was made privy to details of my parents’ lives and exposed to elements of the adult world that I was way too young to grasp. It’s pretty awful feeling like your parents lean on you for emotional support. So I really felt a tremendous sense of guilt at the time for not being able to make them happy and I have a crippling guilt complex to this day because of it. So much of my early life I only realized was totally abnormal very recently and it’s quite horrible to think how easily so much of it could have been avoided.
My parents couldn’t tick one of these boxes. Of course if you had laid all this out and explained it to them, they would have just laughed and continued being absolutely horrible. So many people think that abuse is good parenting, and only when confronted with a grown child that doesn’t love or respect them do they finally understand their error.
I don’t know if I fully agree with the “a child doesn’t have to know the parents in full detail” part. Maybe not FULL detail, but my parents never communicated about anything beyond “how was school”. Not their feelings, what they liked, how we could help (only got mad when we didn’t magically start helping at a certain age). And also never showing any interest in our interests. We grew into strangers. And all throughout my childhood, they never let us know about their financial situation, just the occasional hint that it wasn’t good and I was always left to wonder if I could ask for something like a chocolate bar or if that was too much. They even took money from my bank account when I was in college without asking me (of course I wouldn’t have said no) and I thought I was robbed. Things like that made me wish they overshared instead of being strangers.
i used to blame my mom for my own mental problems and all the things she did fail as a mother, but looking back, she gave an awesome childhood, way better than she her circumstances allowed her aince she had depression since my dad left her before i was even born, that’s why I’m thankful for her love and all of her effort
Honestly, I’m not perusal this to test my parents. They are both amazing and loving people. Very compassionate and they absolutely covered most of these, if not all. I’m perusal this because I honestly want to do good by any future children I have. I care so much for them, even though they don’t even exist yet.
Dead zero for both. I’m actually surprised I made it this far without ending it all with what little sanity I have left. Some people truly do not deserve children, and it makes me happy knowing others grew up with loving parents, and I am all the more empathetic to those who didn’t. I wish the best of luck to everyone in life 🙂
The line about the child not having to torture itsself, not suffering the ravages of slef-loathing or being tempted to take its life really hit home. I struggle with all three. I love myself as long as I DO NOT fuck up, if I do I torture my self in my own mind. I say stuff to myself I would not dare to say to anyone. At least Im not sh anymore. I am my worst enemy and best friend at the same time, that really f’s with you mentally.
Just as it’s been proven intelligent people tend to think of themselves as less intelligent because they’re aware of what they know (whereas less intelligent individuals tend to overestimate how smart they are) it’s usually the people who think they would be bad parents who would probably make the best ones. A lot about life improves the more self and situational aware you are.
Man I have the best mother ever. She’s my best friend. I have adhd and slight autism and she knows exactly how to make me calm and focused, and understands why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. I could tell her anything without judgement, so I don’t hold a single secret from her. Reading some of these comments really makes me appreciate her more, and I’m sorry to all of you who weren’t as lucky. I can’t imagine going through my life without my mother. I’m sorry so many of you have never felt that support.
My mom had kids so, I quote “someone could take care of me when I am old.” And when I asked why she had so many… she said ” I figured there would be a good chance out of four, that one would love me”. Imagine being raised by that. Knowing always, you are a burden, annoying, vile creature… until she needs you to provide her with everything she could not.
I feel this article is much more about helping people who had bad parents feel better about themselves which I see has helped a lot of people in the comments. While I agree with a lot of this I would definitely argue this is NOT a good blueprint for raising a child. I DO think this is some great tips on you can be amore loving and understanding parent but a 7 1/2 minute article is not going to tell you how to raise a child. It genuinely sounds like the advice here is never discipline, never punish, never advise, just let your child do as it sees fit which I can not agree with. I have no real credentials for this aside from personal experience and observations i.e. acquired wisdom so of course take it with a grain of salt and I am glad a lot of you found some release from this article.
Having grown up in a very dysfunctional household I have in my adult years always thought that people should have to get a license to have children. They should be able to show that they can care for their children not only financially but emotionally. In my life I got neither of these things and have suffered greatly because of it. I don’t think having children should be anybody’s right, they should have to show that they can do it correctly.
I was perusal this as a writer (who has a good relationship with my parents) trying to make sure my main character’s parents are realistic in their mistakes. I got glassy-eyed at the unreciprocated love part. My parents never did that. They never understood small things either but the last one hit me hardest. They’re always saying the complete opposite. That I shouldn’t take them for granted — that i have to constantly earn the love they give me because i shouldn’t just get it for free.
I think it’s also important to realise why your parent is the way they are. Like, my mom maybe couldn’t do a few of those things, but my grandma did NONE of them (either to her children or grandchildren). So, I think my mom is amazing for having improved so much despite the lack of a good example, good parenting books, or internet to learn how people outside of her community raise their kids. Her biggest battle was against both of our grandmas, who valued none of the things mentioned in this article and didn’t respect her or her decisions. Of course, sometimes parents grow in the perfect environment and still abuse their children.
Yelling at a child, calling him/her “AAAAAAGHHH you’re very clumsy!!!” when they accidentally broke dishes, shaming the child in front of the friends: “you stink, you should shower”, or telling them “disgusting”, call them “rigid” because they have questions and want to understand things, all these things that my siblings and I experienced, cause a lot of confusion. I’m not quiet anymore. We have to acknowledge in order to heal.
The point of “attunement” had me with my mouth agape!! Getting on their level will remind you that you still have an inner 6 yr old inside of you. How would you treat this child inside? The way you should be treating your kid. Remind yourself that growth come with love but also stability. Be boring, but be stable.
I’m perusal this so that I can be a better parent to my future kids. I can’t judge my parents based on this because they will fail every single one of them. And at this point, I being 20 years old, have just started seeing their flaws in parenting and I’m spending a lot of time on myself to fix the things they didn’t. On that note this article does help to understand how I should treat my inner child.
when I was 6 I stole the pieces of chocolate out of my brother’s advent calendar. my mother gathered all three of the children together and said it’s okay I won’t punish you as long as you admit your mistake. so I admitted it was me. then she smirked at my dad. my dad then took away all of my Christmas presents and grounded me for two weeks. my mother then said, “I told you I wouldn’t punish you, I never said your da wouldn’t.” I have remembered this moment with crystal clarity. it was the exact moment I stopped loving my parents. our relationship has never been close since then.
I think a big thing that is overlooked is that to a newborn every thing is new, so when they have a very minor bad thing happen, it is literally the worst thing they’ve ever been through so their immense reaction is justified. To us who have been on the world a lot longer and have seen much worse things, the huge terrible thing for the kid is pretty mundane making us less sympathetic to the kids literal worst moment at that time which can result in the kiddo seeing us as mean parents.
“It should be the privilege of every child not to know it’s parents in every detail” – hell, my parents took this to the extreme. I’m in my 30’s and know very little, if anything about them. My dad especially assumed that he could be an absentee grandfather and have forced affection sent his way (that’s grandpa-go say hi-don’t forget the hug). We don’t talk to my dad anymore. He couldn’t be bothered to invest in my life…but my last straw was the lack of even spending 5minutes on FaceTime a month with my daughter. “Family” has nothing to do with blood or chromosomes.
This made me laugh coz my daughter used to run around on all fours like a monkey until she was about 12 and she was determined to marry her imaginary friend. She’s 18 now and at university. I can’t count how many times we’ve said how much we love each other despite all the mistakes I’ve made as a single parent. We also have a rule to start each day fresh not carrying yesterday’s mistakes forward; forgiveness is very important. She’s an amazing person, I am blessed to know her.
My therapist encourages healthy distance from my mother but also forgiveness and understanding. Our parents were once children and our parents or grandparents damn sure didn’t have articles like this for example for guidance. We are blessed to be able to implicate change in the world starting with our children.
Seeing this article and seeing the people in the comments has honestly made me realize how lucky and grateful I am to have had the parents I did. Despite them being fairly young when they had me, I see a lot of what was displayed in this article, be shown in their actions as well. I’m glad I was able to grow up with two adults I could talk to about my problems at any time.
My “Mother” is a narcissistic sociopath, and even now, when I’m in my forties, still spends most of her time actively trying to ruin my life, walking into police stations and falsely accusing me of crimes, standing outside my home and slandering me and defamating my character, and attempting to bully me into suicide, so I watched this just for the comedy value, and the ‘Bullseye’, “here’s what you could have won” feeling. I was also interested to find out what qualities a parent is MEANT to have, because I’m sad to say I honestly have no idea, other than perusal TV shows and films, and imagining that they are portraying some version of what reality is meant to be like, but perusal them always makes me wonder, are they exaggerating, because it always seems so far removed from what I had, that it seems too idealistic to be true. It’s almost alien and surreal to watch this article, thinking this is what a parent SHOULD be like, compared to what I actually had, and have, basically a hollow shell with a couple of evil eyes peering out. A lifetime bully and abuser, first holding me hostage and attempting to destroy all of my confidence and self belief, by making me her Scapegoat, and then, when I was old enough to leave home, following me around and stalking me for the rest of my life, gaslighting me and convincing everyone that she has some ‘insider info’ on me by abusing her fake position as ‘Mother’ and trying to ward everyone off me by falsely telling them I am “mentally ill and abuse her”, and cutting me off and isolating me from the rest of the world, because she is and always has been insanely jealous of me getting any attention or sympathy that she erroneously believes should be hers instead.
I never realise how lucky I am with my parents until I see comments on these kinds of articles or my friends talk about their parents. The only complaint I can really have is that my mom was pretty protective over me, sometimes not letting me make my own decisions (even when I turned 18 she still “strongly” suggests things, but doesn’t take it personally when I do something else). You can also say my dad never taught me the discipline that I should of learned, I’m in the middle of teaching myself that now. But with the 40 hour a week job and his own trauma that he has with his parents, I really can’t blame him for his actions, and it’s not like he actively hindered the discipline I speak of. But I’m still good friends with my parents, I can still rely on them financially and emotionally. I’m just very grateful for the hand I was dealt.
I like the thing about “small things”. When you’re a kid, a minor problem could be the worst problem you have ever experienced in your entire life, and having it blown off can lead to feeling like all your problems don’t matter and never will. It’s important to understand that small things are not actually “no big deal”
One point I haven’t really seen touched on in this article is talking to your child. It is in my personal opinion so important to talk to your child through things happening. My parents always talked to us and made sure to even give us the feeling of having a say in things. Like when my dad got a new car we went with them, and they asked us which of the cars we could afford we would choose. Obviously we just went by color, so dad explained to us or tried to explain the different elements to look at, we still went by color and they got the car they wanted in the color we wanted. I remember it like it was yesterday, it felt like my opinion matters, which is why I believe that today I do not shy away in any situation from telling what I think straight up, to anyone. I have great friendships with a lot of people, a good marriage and a strong bond with my whole family. Solely because I know how to socialize and speak my mind. That’s what I believe, we will see when my baby comes in about half a year how well I will be doing xD
My mom made good job taking in regard all of the circumstances. She never had a good example of a parent in her life and her childhood was traumatic. She didn`t ever have a person that would love her, support her and accept her. She learned it for me and my brother. Even is it`s not as perfect as it could be it`s still so much much better than what she was taught. I`m honored to carry similarities to you, mom. I love you and I`m proud of you. Thank you for breaking the cycle. I`ll try to make it even better.
I was very happy to find out that my parents actually did a pretty good job raising me and my sister by these metrics. But I already knew that, because I’m a relatively well-adjusted, successful, responsible, and mentally stable adult in my 50s. Both my parents are gone now, but I cherish my childhood memories, especially of my mother, who was incredibly loving, supportive, and understanding through all my phases of growing up…
I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 6, my parents were always inconsiderate with me. I have Asian parents and the norms of Asian parents compared to other ones is somehow different, in terms of conservatism and beliefs. I was often hit for just some minor mistakes, but I still have some sort of empathy towards them, but it did affected me a lot. I was also bullied in elementary school for having “weird behaviours” and because of my hurrendous speaking (I also have a speech problem). So when ever, my parents hear some problems from school (mostly behaviour problems; I’m kinda good with academics) they often shout at me and hit me, I end up always being blamed for the things I can’t control with myself. When I started highschool, my image towards my parents deteriorates, we often argue on petty things. I went to a prestigous government school were students with really good academics can only go in (not a stereotype pls). And my grades started the plumment because of how hard the school is. Because of that we even had more arguements saying I’m lazy, when most of the time, my ave. time of sleep is 4-6 hours because of the tremendous activities I had. I often argue with them, I always feel defenseless. But I started to speak out, and they even hated me more. Because of the norms of “a child’s opinion is irrelevant” and “the parent is always right” bullshit. I have always felt defenseless, from the bullying from elementary, to even my family. I remeber one point that everything went to bleak and I tried to overdose (sleeping pills) myself one Friday night.
honestly, i’ve always wondered how is it to have loving and nice parents, i had to grow up earlier than my peers due to the hostile environment i grew in, and honestly, idk how to fully function as an adult, i grew up with insecurities and low self-esteem because of the toxic environment my parents created during my childhood
My dad is a gentle and intelligent man. The first time he ever yelled or got frustrated with me was when I needed help with my homework and got confused. To this day when I try asking him a question just to get his input he tells me just to “look it up”. My aunt would be easily disappointed in me. My mother was in her own world. My siblings are estranged from my family, leaving it to me to have to confront them on my own. I was depressed for a few years since I left high school. I’m only now starting to get better, and so hope anyone who wasn’t raised by “the best” parents find themselves somewhere they can be comfortable.
My parents have been strict but only in the earlier stages of my childhood especially with teaching us to be respectful, kind, well behaved in public. Being from an Asian country, we are expected to grow up to be doctors, engineers, bankers etc and study hard and score well. but my parents encouraged us to pursue the field we wanted. They supported us financially. Tolerated and cared for us so much, putting our needs before theirs. My parents are my comfort zone and I feel at peace when I am around them.
My dad died when I was two, my sister was five. Mom raised us by herself. His death was extremely devastating to all of us, especially my mother. She had an erratic temper and was, at times, very cold. There was a lot of pressure on me to “be the man” but I never had a man to learn from. I’ve grown quite distant from my family. Partially due to the fact that I made the mistake of releasing all of the hurt I felt against my mom. She has changed as the years go on, as do we all. I’d say the most difficult thing is for me to look at her and realize there isn’t much I like about who she is. I was a wild teenager and an even more wild son. There’s a lot my mother holds against me. But I’m slowly learning to not hold anything against her. I suppose the greatest insight I’ve ever had is that she is also a person, not just a parent. Just because they are our family doesn’t mean they are always stellar people. Thankfully I’m learning day by day to forgive her and the rest of my estranged family. It’s been hard but I’ve been able to accept that they aren’t the people I want or need in my life. But that doesn’t mean I have to despise them. I wish them love and take my leave.
As I grow older (currently 21), I am realising more and more how much my parents were unbelievably wonderful. I gave them such a hard time as a teenager, but their patience and understanding was what has turned me into the person I am today. Of course, I have my own issues and have fights with them, but overall, I hope to be half the parents they are to me.
While perusal this, I started to count how many of these my parents did for me as a child, even if it was in small doses. It is with a heavy heart that I just now realized, my parents did not do a single one of these while raising me, and in half, did the complete opposite. I always knew that they were bad parents due to the constant fear or displeasure I got being around them, and the lack of power over my own actions when I entered the real world. They were never there when I needed them, I almost always felt like a disappointment, I felt like I owed them for giving me a house to live in, and even when I excelled, I wasn’t happy at trying my best; making the cut. It is only now that I realize, my parents, never actually parented me and guided me through life’s struggles. It is not to say they didn’t try. My mother tried, but at a certain point, just gave up. She was still there of course and did stand up for me a few times however parallel to this, when we went cliff hiking and I fell, she didn’t bother to reach out and help during my near death experience. I remember the day we got home, I was in a daze with the soul crushing realization: this is my mother. I didn’t even cry because though it was heart breaking, all it left me was an empty feeling at the pit of my stomach. In addition, my father, a very angry and unjust man, was abusive in almost all forms. He did what he wanted, no matter the consequences, and could never see to reason. I always was aware of this even before I knew right from wrong because I understood pain and that he was the one that caused it.
The strange phases one gets me. I had a lot of behavioral problems due to the intense chaos that was living at home, and I was not acknowledged as needing loving support and help, I was shamed. At 9 years old I was told, “Why do you pull out your eyelashes? That makes you look so ugly. And weird. No one at school understands you or why you do that.” It solidified forever my idea that I don’t belong and I’m fundamentally different than everyone else. I also had food sensitivities that my family degraded me for, saying I’m just picky childish or weird. They all made fun of me. And I was so ill equipped to cope later on when when I got acne and people made fun of me for that, for my native cheekbones calling me “fat Asian” even tho I’m not Asian, and made fun of for itty bitty t’s. I’ve had people bully me for one thing or another my whole life. When really I deserted love and support as much as fucking anyone.
My parents haven’t succeeded any of these things. I have anxiety, depression, and recently diagnosed ADD (which my mom uses against me now). This mainly has to do with my mother. My father, though he has lived with me all of my life, doesn’t talk much at all unless my mother is angry at me. He’s practically a stranger to me. I used to always blame myself for every last thing that goes wrong in my life and even literally beat myself for it at a young age, but didn’t realize that my parents have manipulated me at such a young age to the point that I couldn’t make a single friend throughout grade school until senior year, but still nobody close enough to speak of such things. I’ve been suicidal since the 5th grade. I’m going to college now with no idea what I want to do, and I’m still stuck with a narcissistic mother and a silent father and sister. I have nobody to text, call, talk to. I’m alone. I have nothing but the idea that I won’t forever be alone. I don’t know how I can handle 4 more years of this. I still feel like a terrible person and I only hurt everyone. I don’t want to nor do I mean to. I just need a friend. Not to even vent to. Someone I can have genuine conversation about anything with.
My parents put a huge emphasis on giving me a loving, wonderful childhood. Unfortunately, they did not manage to handle their own relationship well and around the time I was 12, things went to a dark place in our home, with contstant terrible fights between them. I accumulated a lot of trauma between 12 and 18, but the beautiful childhood they gave me, helped me to always seek for the ‘right’ feeling, which for me, was one of happiness and peace. We made it through, they healed, I healed, but most definitely, my childhood was my guiding light. To all the people who did not have 12 happy years to begin with, even your slightest effort and achievement matters and is beyond amazing. It’s a life’s work to build yourself up from an unhappy home and heal well and I’ll always cheer for you <3
My mom called me abusive every time I needed to talk about my day, throughout the entirety of my childhood. She would tell her friends that I was turning into a horrible person, and that I made her life significantly worse; when I was standing right next to her. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with PTSD and recommended to get tested for BPD when I became old enough. I do not doubt that my parents played a role in the mental wreck I am now. ‘Forgiveness’ hit a bit too close to home. If anyone else out there is struggling in the same way, please know that you’re not alone. I know that probably sounds like a pretty empty statement, but I promise that it’s not. You’re going to get better because you have to. It’s as simple as that. You have to get better, and so you will. Remembering that and remembering that alone has gotten me to a better place than I imagined possible just a few years back. It has to get better, so it will- no matter what happens. In case you haven’t heard this today, I’m proud of you, and you should be so incredibly proud of yourself. Now go drink water, eat something, and get some sleep <3