Therapists play a crucial role in helping families overcome resistance and embark on a transformative journey together. However, it is essential to avoid taking sides and validating patients’ distortions or projections, as this behavior can leave patients stuck in personal narratives or beliefs that may be ruining their lives. Therapists’ countertransference can easily influence them to take sides, especially in families that are overtly blaming from the start or with one member who may be aggressive.
In individual sessions and phone calls, taking sides can be invitations to take sides, and neutrality can be called into question. There are complex issues around being engaged to “save relationships” and then having notes subpoenaed for divorce proceedings. Tamara Cavenett, president of the Australian Psychological Society (APS), states that fearing a therapist might judge you is normal, but it is their role not to take sides. Emphasizing that the therapist’s role is to support and guide the family through the process of healing and growth, not to assign blame or take sides.
When dealing with resistance, it is also crucial to emphasize the importance of maintaining a neutral position from a client’s perspective. At times, therapists may pretend to take certain sides or model how family members relate, breaking up negative patterns and promoting a healthier family dynamic.
Taking sides in couples therapy has historically been seen as a big “no-no”, but it is important to remember that it ensures no real or lasting change. A good therapist never takes sides, never shames or tells you it’s all your fault, but may make suggestions about how you could have a better relationship.
In couples therapy, the therapist’s job is to be neutral and not take sides. Techniques used include prescribing rituals, reframing, paradoxical interventions, and assigning directives or homework to change behavior and communication patterns.
| Article | Description | Site |
|---|---|---|
| Taking Sides in Couples Therapy | Yet doing this is rarely easy for therapists trained to balance empathy for both partners equally in couples work, and it requires walking a delicate line. | psychotherapynetworker.org |
| Do you provide both couples therapy and individual … | The triangulation always exists in couples therapy, doing conjoint individual just gives the therapist more specialized time to help each member … | reddit.com |
| When Your Couples Therapist Takes Your Partner’s Side | In couples therapy, the therapist’s job is to be neutral and not take sides. That’s going to feel different. Consider if your therapist is truly … | laureltherapy.net |
📹 4 Things NOT to Say to Your Therapist
We’re diving into the subject of therapy and how to interact with your therapist. I’m considering doing a lot more therapy videos for …
What Are Therapist Red Flags?
Five major red flags indicate an unethical therapist:
- Unwanted Physical Contact: Any non-consensual touch breaches patient boundaries and is unacceptable.
- Boundary Violations: Therapists asking clients to socialize outside of sessions or doing favors can indicate blurred professional lines.
- Poor Listening Skills or Lack of Empathy: Ignoring concerns or dismissing feelings demonstrates a lack of empathy, crucial for effective therapy.
- Inappropriate Self-Disclosure: Excessive sharing of personal anecdotes by therapists may undermine the therapeutic process, while relevant sharing can be beneficial.
- Manipulation of Treatment Plans: Using different therapies without client consent is unethical.
Overall, clients should feel safe to express themselves and have trust in their therapist while maintaining boundaries. Signs of poor practice include a lack of empathy, violations of confidentiality, or attempts to form personal relationships. Always be aware of these red flags to ensure a positive therapeutic experience.
How To Structure Family Therapy?
Family therapy sessions can be effective when conducted with a structured approach. Key strategies include establishing clear boundaries, promoting open communication, and teaching conflict resolution skills. A strength-based collaboration is encouraged, while the therapist maintains objectivity and flexibility throughout the process. Regularly monitoring progress is essential for effective intervention. Structural family therapy (SFT), developed by Salvador Minuchin, focuses on family dynamics, identifying imbalances in roles and power within the family unit.
It begins with a joining process where the therapist builds rapport with the family and sets treatment expectations. Techniques such as family mapping reveal behaviors and interactions that contribute to dysfunction. SFT’s core principles involve reorganizing family interactions to foster healthier communication and relationships. Therapists may utilize exercises like role-playing and narrative therapy to address these issues. Ultimately, the goal is to help families recognize and modify their dysfunctional patterns to create more positive interactions and enhance overall family functioning.
What Are Inappropriate Boundaries In Counselling?
In counseling, boundaries are crucial for maintaining a safe and effective therapeutic relationship. They are established during the contracting stage and include agreements about timing, communication, and the professional nature of the relationship. Examples of inappropriate behavior include contacting clients late at night, maintaining contact after therapy ends, allowing interruptions during sessions, or transitioning into friendships. Core principles of boundaries, as outlined by Corey (1996), emphasize beneficence, ensuring counselors prioritize the client’s well-being and not their own needs.
Clear boundaries prevent potential violations that could compromise the safety of both the counselor and the client. Counselors must communicate assertively if boundaries are crossed, highlighting inappropriate conduct. These boundaries can encompass practical matters such as session length, fees, and gifts, as well as behavioral expectations. It’s vital for counselors to avoid actions like excessive personal disclosure or unnecessary physical contact, as well as to promote an awareness of the consequences of crossing boundaries. Healthy counseling relationships involve both visible and invisible boundaries that protect both parties.
Who Is Not Suitable For Family Therapy?
Family therapy can be ineffective in situations involving a lack of commitment from family members, as well as in cases of violence, abuse, or serious mental health conditions. In such instances, alternatives like individual therapy or group therapy may yield better results. As outlined by therapists like LuAnn Pierce, LCSW, successful family therapy ideally requires participation from the immediate family. This guide distinguishes between family and individual therapy, emphasizing that not all family problems need to be severe to justify seeking help.
Families can expect improved understanding, communication, and relationships through therapeutic engagement. Both clinical guidelines and evidence advocate for family involvement in therapy, indicating its role in mental health treatment. However, forms of therapy such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and experiential therapy address varied emotional challenges, highlighting the nuances in therapy choices. Importantly, family therapy may not be appropriate for individuals with severe mental health issues needing specialized care, or in situations marked by resistance to therapy, violence, or abuse.
Additionally, family therapy lacks the privacy of individual counseling, which can hinder open communication. Ultimately, not every family is suitable for therapy, particularly if severe underlying issues are present.
When Family Therapy Is Not Suitable?
Family therapy can be ineffective in situations where there is a lack of commitment among family members or in cases of violence, abuse, or severe mental health issues. If one or more family members are unwilling to participate, family therapy may not be appropriate. Additionally, it may not be suitable when conflicts are better resolved through individual or group therapy. Family therapy aims to improve communication, resolve conflicts, and strengthen relationships, but can also expose existing issues or create new tensions within the family.
Some families are ill-suited for this form of therapy, especially when dealing with serious mental health conditions or dysfunctional dynamics. Critics argue that specific approaches, like structural family therapy and functional family therapy, may fail to address deeper underlying issues. Effective alternatives may include individual therapy or group sessions, particularly when trust is lacking, or individual motivations hinder collective progress.
Furthermore, privacy concerns in family therapy sessions can prevent candid discussions, leading to frustrations. Families should consider their unique dynamics, the therapist's competence, and specific barriers they face, including lack of goals or direction, motivation to change, and excessive animosity, which may impede the therapeutic process and outcomes.
What Are Boundaries In Family Therapy?
Boundaries define our limits and how we permit others to treat us, serving as indicators of acceptable behavior. They communicate that our needs are just as important as those of others, helping to shape interpersonal dynamics. This article outlines the significance of boundaries, particularly within family structures, where clear boundaries foster healthy, independent individuals while preventing enmeshment. It offers a comprehensive guide on understanding and establishing personal boundaries, including worksheets with steps, examples, and strategies for effective communication.
It emphasizes the importance of recognizing unhealthy behaviors, creating subsystems within families, and the different boundary types: diffuse, rigid, and clear. Healthy boundaries safeguard our emotional, physical, and psychological well-being, allowing for deeper relationships built on respect. Families that successfully delineate their boundaries experience greater harmony and understanding among members. The guide also covers how to maintain boundaries in various contexts, including work and family, promoting self-worth and managing triggers, particularly during stressful periods like holidays.
By learning to value ourselves and assert our needs, we can construct healthier relationships and a more supportive environment. Ultimately, boundaries are essential lines that protect our comfort and happiness, fostering a harmonious family life.
What Are The 5 Stages Of Family Therapy?
Family therapy is a transformative journey structured into five key stages designed to improve familial relationships and promote healing. The stages include:
- Engagement and Rapport Building: This foundational stage focuses on establishing trust and a working relationship between the therapist and the family.
- Assessment and Understanding: Therapists evaluate family dynamics and issues to gain insights into underlying problems.
- Restructuring and Communication Enhancement: Here, strategies are developed to improve communication and reframe each member’s role in contributing to the problem-solving process.
- Resolution and Healing: Families work towards resolving conflicts, fostering understanding, and healing emotional wounds.
- Integration and Maintenance: Finally, the stage involves reinforcing the changes made during therapy and ensuring long-term maintenance of healthy dynamics.
Family therapy varies in duration and approach, with some problems requiring brief intervention while others may necessitate ongoing sessions. Ultimately, the structured framework guides families toward improved functioning and emotional well-being, whether through short-term or long-term therapy. This five-stage model is a crucial aspect of evidence-based family therapies that facilitate growth and resolution.
Are Therapists Supposed To Take Sides?
In couples therapy, therapists are expected to maintain neutrality rather than take sides, as many couples mistakenly view them as judges who will determine who is right or wrong. This expectation can lead to frustration when therapists refuse to align with either partner. It’s vital for therapists to avoid validating clients' distortions or contributing to ethical imbalances, even though they possess skills in empathy and validation. While some clients may feel anxious about judgment, the therapist's role is fundamentally to facilitate discussion and not choose a side.
Each partner’s maladaptive thoughts or behaviors may need addressing, but this should be framed within the context of supporting the couple's overall relationship. Effective therapists utilize specific strategies to prevent the appearance of taking sides, fostering a safe environment for open discussion. Therapists should prioritize building trust and rapport, as these are crucial for a productive therapeutic relationship. Clients are encouraged to voice any concerns regarding perceived bias, which ethical therapists will address seriously.
Couples therapy aims to aid partners in understanding and navigating their issues collaboratively rather than fostering a competitive atmosphere. Ultimately, the therapist serves the relationship itself, focusing on the couples' joint goals.
What Does A Therapist Do In Family Therapy?
Marriage and family therapists specialize in diagnosing and treating cognitive and behavioral disorders within the context of relationships, focusing particularly on couples and families. Family therapy, a form of group psychotherapy, aims to improve communication and address conflicts among family members. This type of treatment is designed to enhance mental health and functioning within family units, helping individuals build stronger connections and address personal issues as part of the family dynamic.
Licensed therapists employ various techniques to explore family patterns and interactions, often working together with all or select family members. Sessions are typically short-term, targeting specific goals. Family counseling addresses both individual and collective challenges, facilitating better communication strategies and resolving conflicts. Therapists are equipped to handle diverse issues, including parenting struggles, relationship difficulties, and mental health disorders, fostering new emotional insights and adaptive responses. Ultimately, family therapy supports families in understanding one another, enhancing support systems, and effectively navigating challenging situations, leading to healthier family dynamics.
📹 COUPLES therapy (almost) NEVER WORKS: you are not the client
I might take some heat for this one, but I’m not a big fan of couples therapy — mostly because I haven’t seen it associated with a …
Kati mentioned this, but I’d like to emphasize: While you should avoid lying, that doesn’t mean you are obligated to tell the truth. Saying “I’m not comfortable talking about that right now,” is completely valid and a good therapist should respect that. If the person you’re working with continues to pressure you, it’s time to consider if they might be doing more harm than help. You do not owe anybody your thoughts if it feels unsafe to share them. That’s a boundary that should apply to all relationships, including therapeutic ones. Your safety needs to come first.
I was in therapy for 7 years with a therapist 4 years younger than me who I never regarded as a very “good” therapist, but I liked her as a person and felt safe and comfortable opening up to her. I felt good just from having her talk to, but I had goals I wanted to achieve with the help of a therapist, and she was doing nothing. There was literally no therapy. The few times that I tried to call her attention to that fact she would cry and when I asked “why are you crying” she said “I feel attacked”. Other times, if I told a story that made me feel sad, she’d offer me a hug. I had no idea at the time that she was constantly violating my boundaries and was basically incompetent and very unprofessional. Finally, I started taking Intuniv for ADHD and it quite literally “woke me up”. When I expressed my new awareness the lack of therapy she tried to rationalize it by saying it’s because “we’re like friends”. One week later she denied ever having used the word “friend” and tried to gaslight me by saying I was “misremembering” what she had said. Skipping past all the other crazy things she said, the next thing I knew I got a call from her supervisor claiming that I had abused my therapist and would never see or talk to her again…I was being discarded…and then she discharged me to prevent me from getting another therapist in that organization. That was about 14 months ago and I now have PTSD as a result. I can no longer take the ADHD meds that were like a miracle for me except that they also helped me to finally see the reality of an abusive “therapeutic” relationship and it was that “clarity” and self-expression that caused my therapist and her supervisor to traumatize me.
The very first therapist i went to, i was 17. When i started talking, i started crying bc the one time is spoken about the subject, my parents accused me of lying so there was trauma on top of the trauma. This grown man, a licensed therapist, said to me “you can cut out the crying bc we aren’t doing a pity party in here.” He could have slapped me and gotten less reaction. I stood up, with tears running down my face and told him he didn’t need to be in his line of work. He was no better than my parents. Then i called him few choice names. I also turned him into the state. Luckily it didn’t stop me from finding another GOOD therapist.
I told my therapist as a 17 year old that I had previously attempted suicide (2 years prior) but had no urge to do so in the present time. She told my parents and told me that if I was continuing to see her, she would also notify my (incredibly strict) boarding school administration (which I denied consent to do). Learned so quickly to always ask how therapists deal with self harm and suicide histories, even if they’re not current. It was traumatizing to have my trust violated like that and then be immediately discarded due to my boundaries. I wish more therapists were better trained and like you.
I foolishly said I had suicidal thoughts although I never intended on acting them out, and next thing I know was in hand cuffs and in a psych ward with people 100x crazier than me. No windows, no communication with the outside world, no access to bathrooms (without asking for permission). It was horrifying and traumatic.
I love that you said hospitalization is a last resort for you. A couple years ago, I told my therapist I was self harming and I was sent to a hospital for about a week, the same night I said that to her. Looking back, it didn’t help at all. What’s worse is that most of the people there were struggling more than me and felt the same way. Some of them had been in jail and said the hospital was worse than that. There’s definitely something wrong with the way most mental hospitals are ran.
From personal experience: don’t talk about having suicidal thoughts. One of the most traumatic, unpleasant event in my life was getting sent to a psychiatric hospital. The staff threatened me, I slept in a room with graffiti all over the walls, no privacy and no going outside for any reason. The food sucked and there were kids there much worse than me. All in all, I never want to go to therapy again because of that, and bowed to just actually go through with a suicide instead of going to one of those hospitals again. Believe me. Its terrible.
When I suddenly lost my 31 year old best friend during the pandemic I started therapy because I thought I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I started having suicidal thoughts at some point, and I told my therapist about it. At the time she told me if I ever had those thoughts I could call her at any time, and she started seeing me more often, like twice a week, just to check up on me. She would give me little assignments that helped me avoid those thoughts. It helped me a lot to have her support at that moment and telling her the truth about what I was going through. I really think I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t tell her right away when I first had those thoughts.
If you are relying on someone (most likely your parents when you are under 18), just be aware that if you say you are suicidal or are being abused/have been abused, your parents will probably hear about it. It does not matter whether you have clearly told the therapist that your parents are your abuser or not, they will still tell them everything. In my experience, my abuse worsened when they found out I had said that my mother had beat me and emotionally abused me. Additionally some therapists will judge you, lie about you or mock you. Therapy is worth getting because realistically you will need help but be aware that there are some messed up power dynamics you’ll have to navigate and as a child your boundaries will be pushed a lot. If something feels wrong to you, trust yourself because you are the only person you can trust to truly advocate for yourself.
2nd topic: I have found that during therapy sessions if I haven’t brought notes I will more or less forget every issue I’ve been having. I will actually think I’m doing better than I am and then slide back once the session is over. I think for me it has to do with BPD and my rapidly changing moods. I don’t purposely hide how things are. I wonder how many others relate.
I like that the comments section is filled with actually good tips. Like. In a perfect world, the four listed things would be reasonable advice, but our world isn’t perfect, and so the four things I would probably list are: 1: If you are feeling suicidal 2: Anything that a therapist has to mandatorally report. 3: Your real feelings about how therapy is going 4: Anything that could lead to more trouble then its worth talking about
My first (and last, i hope) therapist told my parents EVERY. SINGLE. THING. i said to her. I was struggling with self harm and suicide and still am, but I feel so awful about that experience that I don’t want anything to do with another therapist. I told her that if my parents found out they’d just make my life hell, and she told them anyways. In the interview with them, they just said I was lying and then I got slapped across the face and grounded. This was almost two years ago, and I still can’t open up to any adults. Not even those I trust like favorite teachers or family friends.
I was so worried about talking about childhood abuse for fear it would be reported. My first couple of sessions was all about what would have to be reported and when. He told me that he would always let me know before he made a report if he would have to report it. This process has helped me so much and so far nothing has needed to be reported.
I remember when I just started my therapy sessions with my current therapist. I felt like I was obligated to tell her about the sexual abuse I went through as a kid, but when I actually tried, the words got stuck in my throat, resulting in several minutes of me trying several times to form a sentence and not actually saying two words that are connected in any way. That want on until she told me it’s okay to not be ready yet to talk about that, and we switched topics.
I’m glad you said hospitals aren’t therapeutic. They are absolutely awful. It’s a very punitive experience for anyone suffering enough to be suicidal. It says something about how sick our society is that we send those who are suffering the most to the hell that is forced hospitalization. That’s why some countries like those in Scandanavia are investigating removing or minimizing any forced hospitalization except where it is absolutely protective such as someone in a manic phase clearly creating long term horrors for himself.
I’m on the autism spectrum and ADHD inattentive. I’m a total open book, which is really off-putting to a lot of people, even some therapists. I’ve made comments that instantly invalidated me to health care professionals. I never know it’s going to happen until I see something flicker in their eyes and then they start acting differently towards me. My first few attempts at therapy were disastrous, but I’m so grateful when I find someone I can connect with, who actually listens! Edited to add this thought: just because someone holds the degrees and the licenses doesn’t mean they are great at what they do. Like she said, we’re all human. And just because someone isn’t great for me doesn’t mean they aren’t exactly what someone else needs.
Sometimes I tell my therapist that I’m doing better than I actually am because at that time I’m actually feeling good and don’t feel like remembering the lows. What helps me is to make notes (I use Evernote) of my emotions during the week when I feel down, and I prepare myself to discuss those during the session. Also, writting the emotions pre-session is a way to process them, so it is therapeutic by itself, and combined to discussing it in the session is a double win. Edit: thanks for liking/commenting folks, it is a silly little thing but it made me feel less alone in my struggles
Reading the comments, I’m so grateful to my doctor. I saw her in order to finally have a professionnal diagnostic for my depression. After hearing me she told me I had to go to the mental hospital right tf now and “was there someone that could bring me or should she call an ambulance ?”. I backed tf up saying “hell no I didn’t planned to go to the hospital tonight, I’m not going”, SHE ACTUALLY LISTENED TO ME AND SAID OK. I didn’t want to go to the hospital cause I heard the stories, and was especially scared of my father’s reaction (he doesn’t really believe depression is real). So anyway I didn’t go and two years of therapy later I feel better. I was already an adult though, I bet it would’ve been different if I was a child
my therapist, at the end of some sessions, would ask me if i lied to her that day most of the times the answer was “yes”, she would let me know that it’s ok if i need more time to open up completely and wouldnt try to make me tell the truth or what i lied about that really helped me gain more confidence and feel like i could trust what i was really thinking to her
I was sent to a therapist as a child. When I mentioned an incident of abuse where my step mother threw my little brother down the stairs and then was kicking him in the face, she called me a liar, called my parents in and forced me to accuse them to their face. Of course, I got the shit beat out of me when I got home. I wouldn’t talk to anyone like that if you held a gun on me. Sorry, you seem like a nice person but I could never take that chance
As a social worker and someone who has personally dealt with suicide and suicidal ideation, it is SO important to have the discussion of what their procedure is early on. Thank you Kati for taking the harm reduction, trauma informed approach when it comes to suicidality, while also understand your ethical obligation and thank you for informing those who watch you about the RIGHT way to approach suicidality (in my opinion). The therapist I had for a long time understood if I was having a panic attack and said “I don’t want to be here” or “I want to die”, she would de-escalate me and I’d be able to tell her hey, I’m safe, I was just freaking out. Whereas when I went to the ER during a panic attack and said “I don’t want to be here” (as in the exact same room they put me in after an attempt), they IMMEDIATELY put me on a pink slip (irrespective of me telling them what I meant by the statement), and shipped me off to the most unethical, traumatizing mental hospital. On the other hand, I’ve been to an okay mental hospital after an attempt (twice) and genuinely needed to be there.
I’ve only once had the courage to break the ice and go to therapy through my previous faculty. I’ve reluctantly but bravely shared that I’ve gone through a period in my life where I had almost committed suicide and the therapist cut me off and said something along the lines of “…Ok just so you know, if you do decide to commit suicide, we’re not responsible.” I was shocked and never went to therapy again. I hope to find a good therapist someday but not only is it expensive, it’s a huge gamble. A lot of people working in that field are not qualified to do so, to say the least. And I never want to go through that again.
I loved my psychologist for #4. Whenever she would suggest something that made me tense up, she would ask: “okay, what thoughts are popping up right now?” Or sometimes, “what’s stopping you from wanting to try this right now?” I absolutely loved it, because it kept the conversation going while still validating my fears or hesitations. In that way, we’ve adjusted many a strategy or tool into something I felt comfortable with (and sometimes we didn’t need to change it at all, just my mindset)
30 years of PTSD therapy….whether it was my wonderful therapist or in the hospital; I just couldn’t let them know how badly I was doing at home. I would over medicate like a crazy woman….I could not let them think that they were not helping me…but around year 20 I had a therapist who helped by allowing me to hold up a sign saying that I wasn’t feeling well…aka…not going well. It really helped.
Sometimes the root cause of lying to your therapist is because other therapists reject you after you finally get the confidence and trust them enough to admit to them that you want help with this major thing. Back before the Covid pandemic, where you saw your therapist in person; I finally built enough trust with my therapist to finally confess that I have a problem I want help fixing. I broke down in tears, spilling my guts, crying, saying I want help because I know this is wrong but I need to stop bottling this up. This therapist switched me to a different therapist, after I spilled my guts because I finally felt comfortable enough to admit I need help; I get stabbed with this ice cold knife of indirectly saying “I can’t deal with you.” My therapist didn’t directly say it but her saying something like “this will be our last session, I’m switching you to a different therapist” at the end of our session; again I was shocked at the reaction of horror after spilling my guts so I don’t remember exactly what my therapist said. So, I just lie and realize I’ll never get help getting totally over my trauma because if I ever tell a therapist again that my trama has scared me so deeply; I’ll get dropped like a boiling hot potato and kicked to someone else…. so why ruin the trust and comfort I spent years building up, by admitting I have a deeper wound. Ya just will get kicked to someone else who you will need to build trust up enough with to feel comfortable to soothe the surface scars, talk to again about the trauma and dig into the layers of your trama again.
While the advice in this article might make logical sense, this is actually easily said than done if you don’t have access to good mental health programs. If you’re using Medicaid in an area where the few options have more cases than they can handle and the counselors are overworked… saying the wrong thing can lead to what feels like punishment because next thing you’re being told they can’t service you anymore and you need to go elsewhere. You try to call other places, and they’re also telling you they can’t help you for one reason or the other for answering a question the wrong way. It honestly feels like a way to quickly thin the herd by asking you a set of questions they know you’ll get wrong because you have no idea why they’re asking. That’s when you start to figure that maybe you should not share as much and only stick to a couple of things in order to get SOME help, because some help is maybe better than no help. Granted, I’m starting to think that bad help is worse than zero help. My point is, a lot of people lie because all the red tape doesn’t really allow for full honesty. I’m sure this is different in private practices, and might even vary from state to state… but keep in mind that a ton of people are reacting to a system that has maybe shattered the spirits of those who went into the profession in the first place, and those people in return shatter those who go to them for help. It’s like an abusive parent who was also abused as a child and the cycle continues.
Therapy is hard and I almost never trust a male therapist. One man I was in therapy with years ago kept inviting me to dinner. I couldn’t trust him. I felt that he used my information against me when I explained my inability to refuse sexual advances from strangers. I should be able to change therapists if I’m uncomfortable. I’m also afraid of what they know about me, and that’s scary too. Thank you, Katie, it’s hard not to lie at times, particularly if I think it could land me back on the ward. I wish you had been my therapist.
Friend of mine was forced admission for suicidal thoughts when he was younger. It is protocol for people who “are a real danger to themselves or others” in my country. But I can imagine people not wanting to be forced to do something, even if it’s in their best interest. After all, someone having thoughts of self-harm or suicide doesn’t mean they’re going to do it. The fact that they’re openly expressing it actually shows deep down they don’t want to do it… they just don’t want to feel so sad anymore. Someone who is really intent on dying doesn’t tell anyone, because they don’t want anyone to stop them. I’m saying this as someone who used to auto-mutilate and was depressed and suicidal for years. Never saw a psychiatrist for either. The few people that cared about me saved me from it. They gave me such meaningful experiences that I couldn’t throw away an unwritten future and all the good it might still hold. I auto-mutilated to have control over my pain. The physical pain was an outlet for my emotional pain. I’m definitely not advising anyone does this. I’m just saying that’s how it felt. It was relaxing to see the blood seep out of my arm, knowing it was pain that I chose, rather than pain other people chose for me. When I decided to stop, I carried around the knife for months without using it. Like walking around with a pack of cigarettes without smoking any. Just having it there was enough to give me that sense of control, that peace of mind. And when I put it in a box and stopped carrying around, it was because I had created the same control without having to hurt myself.
Do not tell them you have suicidal ideation or anything like that because it will follow and haunt you from that point on, or you could be forcibly institutionalized when you many not need it (you know if you need it or you don’t). On a totally different note, I have reached the point in therapy where my therapist said she has exhausted all her options and she wants me to see a psychiatrist but I am unwilling to do so for a number of various reasons, so I am about to unfortunately do the right thing and stop seeing her. I’m stuck in my rut and she has essentially told me if I can’t see the psychiatrist we can keep talking in circles if we want, but it had been about 2 years of her seeing me, and it has basically made the impression on me that I am hopeless to be fixed. I cannot burden her or waste her time anymore. I am depressed and hate myself totally, but I cannot justify abusing her time and services adn energy. I have officially lost all hope to even be better. Funniest part, is I have no intention of telling her my true feelings. I am going to amicably tell her I think I can do well on my own from this point forward.
In 2020 my best friend died in a fire. I had depression before (I was never diagnosed until then but I believe it started all the way back in school). His death, lockdown and the high demands in my work (nurse) finally pushed my into a mental breakdown and I decided to seek help. Most therapists didn’t even see me and gave the reason to have no capacities for new patients. One saw me and it was awful for me. While she actually gave me a written diagnosis for depression the talk was really aggravating for me. She did a good job on the assessment, it took about nearly one and a half hours, but in the end she didn’t look at me once and asked “so, how do you want me to help you?” Ok, fair question, making sure where I stand and such… I told her I know that I had to put the work into it but hoped she could give me guidelines, teach me possible coping machanisms I might not have thought of or didn’t know or such. That I wanted to learn ways to handle this in a healthier way than not being able to leave the bed. She looked at me and said: “and how do you think I should do that? What kind of therapie do you think we should do?” At that point my mind was like Lady, if I knew that I would be a therapist and would have no need for therapie. I get compliance and all that stuff after all I work in the medical field, but I shouldn’t have to tell my therapist how to do his/her job. In the end I never went again and worked on it on my own. Luckily I had a very understanding and helpful partner.
I’ve had several situations where professionals disregarded ethics and either were abusive, unethical …one even suggested they would like to fulfil their fantasy with me. I avoided receiving any kind of treatment for years because of broken trust and now am having to deal with health issues that require treatment. I’m trying, once again, to approach this with an open mind by talking with my new doctor, who so far has checked all the ethical boxes and being supportive, and new therapist after many years without – still kind of getting to know her. It’s damm hard work building trust when some in the system have been abusive.
I said I was having suicidal thoughts before and was sent to the hospital. It made things WAY WAY WAY worse, and it is the reason I no longer want to open up in therapy. I realized I have no free will, and the government will do whatever they want to clean up the trash that I am. I feel horrible about it. The only thing I like to do is journal. I really don’t trust anybody else with my thoughts.
I’m a therapist and I have my own bad therapist story. It happened in my teens. I didn’t go back until I was almost 30 and it helped me enough that it motivated me to become a therapist. If you had a bad experience, I encourage you to try again. Get recommendations from people you know if you can. Think of initial session as an interview. Ask the therapist about their philosophy and approach. Just like with any relationship, if you see red flags don’t ignore them. And if you don’t click, move on. A good therapist will understand and will not take this personally.
My eyes widened at #3. I have BPD and I feel that way. Only I don’t lie about it. I straight up will say “I’m afraid to get better sometimes because it makes me fear the end of our relationship. It would feel like abandonment even though I know it isn’t.” The good thing for my therapist is that I’m super articulate and not shy. 😂
One of my first therapists threatened me to delay my majority age (to avoid that I could relaese myself). I was 17 at that time, highly anorexic, depressed and seriously underweight. My mother forced-tricked me into hospital and therapy-wise, looking back it is obvious how it could never work out. Well, I gained weight, because I was helpless against it, but in therapy I held back a lot. I was terrified of the threat and never told anything that I feared could be used “against me” and thus delay my majority. I still don’t know how realistic that possibility would actually have been, but it scared me enough to not risk anything. So most of the therapy was pretending and trying to guess what the thereapist would want to hear, and mostly, not saying a word about the darkest thoughts. Now, decades later, I am glad that I have a really good therapist whom I trust completely and that I can be honest with him, tell everything. Still difficult, but without that trust there is not even a chance of improving.
Some things are really embarrassing to tell anyone. If a therapists asks you a question and it makes you uncomfortable or it is embarrassing to you what I have found helps me instead of lying about it is to just say that you would rather not talk about it. This gives you both an opening. The therapist knows there is something there and how to tread lightly and you do not have to blast out these things that may need to be handled in a different way. Example: I have PTSD and some of the trauma that I have my therapist NEVER asks me about. The reason is because after that hour is up they get to move on and I have to sit with my trauma again. So instead she knows SOMETHING is there and when I need to say something I will. So instead of lying to keep from opening a wound or embarrassing yourself just let them know that it is something you may need some time on and I have found that they understand that.
Was in some sort of school-sanctioned therapy from the time I was in 4th grade to my first year of college. Every bright-eyed therapist I saw over the years tried their little hearts out to make CBT work for me. I felt like a failure bc nothing they did for me worked. We tried every single trick and I was still having multiple meltdowns a week through my senior year of high school, and I struggled with friendships and such constantly. It got to the point where the staff just started throwing me into a little room and locking it when I was having a meltdown and the social worker was unavailable. I haven’t been in therapy for over a year, although I do speak to a psychiatrist every 8-12 weeks for medication and a case worker twice a year. Not being in therapy anymore has given me a chance to think for myself and look back at what was/is still going on with me. I decided to drop out of college this spring at the end of my sophomore year, so I’ve had even more time (apart from having a job) to work on myself. After hours of research and discussions with both my psychiatrist and case manager, turns out I’m fucking autistic!! They’ve referred me to a specialist to see about getting a diagnosis
I have been in therapy for over 30 years. Im in my 40s. Let me share some things. Try out different therapists find one you feel comfortable with, there is all sorts of kinds. Dont try to impres your therapist. And there is different types of therapy. Never see the same therapist as a family member or maybe even people you talk about with them. It puts them in an awkward spot if the agree to at all. At the end of the day i wish you all safe travels on the road to a happier you.
One of the issues I was seeking therapy for was my dismissal/minimization of my issues. Therapy was used against me by my abusive mother. Part of it is also wanting to believe I’m doing better than I am. I didn’t realize I was doing it recently and my therapist actually suggested meeting every other week “since I’m doing so good” I’ve also had multiple therapists fire me cuz my issues were too difficult for them to help me with. So there’s a fear that sharing everything will make them leave too.
I learned the hard way of what not to say to therapists or someone who works side by side with LCSW + psychiatrists. I gave my life story to an Entitlement Specialist. I also had my Eight week old daughter with me. I mentioned that my daughter was cranky and I was unable to breastfeed. She called DCS on me & I went through an 18 month ordeal with them. My daughter was given to my in-laws at first with an emergency removal. I had police officers huddling around me as I packed her clothes bag besides her daily diaper bag. I had never felt so lost that night. Anyway… I had my parental rights terminated. Not a drinker, a druggie, an abuser, nothing, de nada. I was misdiagnosed as Bipolar 1 with Psychosis. Nope. My daughter was later diagnosed with Asperger’s. Ding ding ding. My ocd & anxiety& oppositional defiant disorder etc was Autism Spectrum! I had MDD & PTSD from a Sexual Assault. I was highly overprotective of my daughter and apparently trying to get along with people who hover and boss me is not my strong suit. I was grieving my mom & grandma’s & granny. Lost three in the same year. I’m not perfect. My original problem of why I mentioned my daughter. It is apparently called nipple confusion. My daughter was fed a bottle because my colostrum came in three days after she was born. By then my triple ddds were EE,s & an autistic baby didn’t want anything to do with that. Her formula was constantly being changed. We’re allergic to soy & WIC was doing the formula changing. Her fussiness?
Also be aware that Therapists are “mandated reporters”. This means anything that leads them to believe something bad is going on forces them by law, to report it to social services. Most people in therapy don’t realize how many times Division of Family Services gets reports about them. It’s just that DFS tends to not investigate very many because they are understaffed.
As someone recovered from an eating disorder, I can definitely say that the urge to lie is huge! The eating disorder serves as a coping mechanism for difficult things in life, and in a way, it feels like a therapy. Following the ed’s voice is so tempting because it offers (false)-feelings of security, control, and stress alleviation like how therapy does. However, the eating disorder also slowly breaks you down both physically and mentally, so at first it feels so good, but then you realize how bad it is, and yet you cannot stop your behaviors. Those behaviors include lying, because you do not want to let go of your ed, or rather, your ed does not want to let go of you. Studies have shown that those who suffer w eds actually have high IQs, and so of course lying comes naturally to many of us because of our fast brains (of course, the sicker you are, the less lies you’ll be able to come up w because your brain is starved and doesn’t work properly). All that is to say that holy crap was a good lier. My ability to make up a lie and dictate my body language and voice to make it supwer believable was scarily good. However, that’s the reason I graduated with no friends, having wasted four years of my life to tend to my ed’s wants and desires. Having an ed is scary, and it makes you dpo things that you would have never have done otherwise. Dont lie to your therapists people. If you don’t like them/vibe with them/ feel safe with them, get a new one rather than waste your money and your life lying.
I remember I had a therapist when I went to this long-term mental facility for minors before I turned 18 years old. My mental health was terrible at the time, and to top that off, I was given the wrong medication. Therefore, I was having psychotic episodes and getting intrusive thoughts, feelings, and urges to attack people, even if they were just coughing. Two of them were my crush and her partner. I told my therapist about this, but she just said, “I think it’s just you.” Like, WTF?
Thanks for sharing! Just curious – have you or other therapists stopped therapy with someone because it was hard for you morally or ethically to work with them; and/or felt you needed to report someone because they admitted to doing something illegal but technically it fell under patient confidentiality. How do you handle those types of situations?
I love the idea of telling your therapist everything. But, the repercussions to ourselves, and if we are high functioning people with loved ones who rely on us, mean we simply cannot afford to take the risk… and yes, this means there are some things we just have to bear. I know this isn’t a popular answer or the one I’m supposed to say. But, this is life. Life is messy, and consequently, the best solution doesn’t always fit into the contextual spectrum of therapy, and telling your therapist *everything*. Hell, human beings have so many unacceptable thoughts literally all the time, that if they were being transmitted to a therapist, we would all be locked up. It’s not what our thoughts are but how we manage them, and how those thoughts translate into behavior, that really matter.
Always be very careful about what you say and don’t assume a mental hospital is a good one or it has your best interest in mind. Things to keep in mind: My son was once threatened by a psychiatrist with one year of lock up in a mental hospital unless he consented to electric shock therapy. Yes, it still happends in the US and he had the shock therapy. That happened in Florida. Years later he went voluntarily to a mental hospital and he never came out alive. An autopsy later showed that he died of Clozopine toxcicity due to an accidental overdose given to him by staff. That happened in Arizona. Nothing was ever done to the hospital even though I was later told by various case managers that they, “wouldn’t take their dog there.”
Thing is that in some places, confidentiality goes out the window if the therapist gets the slightest inkling that you’re going to hurt yourself. I can understand them wanting to speak up if you’re planning on hurting someone else but I can’t ever accept a therapist going behind your back with the idea that he/she is helping you. If I had to add something to this it’s that if you’re suicidal, either keep it to yourself or talk to someone you actually know and trust as a friend, rather than a therapist that you know nothing about. Ideally you keep that shit to yourself till the grave, that’s the best way to not get locked up in a mental asylum, sadly.
I told a therapist that I thought people were equal to animals and they took me in an ambulance to a hospital. I spent 3 hours in a locked box waiting for a medical doctor. He agreed with me and told me I should set limits with my therapist. It’s something I didn’t even consider but is valuable advice. It’s easy to think therapists are super-people, they’re not, they’re only human.
I was so pleased with myself when I told my mom that I had therapy down to a science. Then I realized I had been following the same formula that I use with everyone: masking and presenting the only sides of myself that I want people to see or am okay with them seeing, because my self-worth depends so much on how other people perceive me. I’m going to have to start over again with my therapist tomorrow.
This sounds like the ideal type of therapist, but she’s an influencer, now. She has a following and is in the spotlight. Normal therapists I’ve seen in a little known office who aren’t famous for being amazing, have been terribly judgmental, hurtful, offensive, dismissive, minimizers. Sadly, people like me can’t afford to see a therapist like Kati. You have to have the dollar bills to see the LA therapists.
It’s so sad to hear of people having difficult experiences with their therapists but encouraging that others have great experiences with theirs. Never give up on yourself and your life. If it didn’t work out with one person, it’ll work with another. I’ve been going for two years and it’s helped me out significantly
#4. Sure, until the ego comes out. “You think you can do this better than I can?” “You think you know better than me? Than why are you even here?” Come on now. Telling someone that the thing they’re doing isn’t working; generally isn’t met with “You know, you’re absolutely right. I need to change everything I’m doing” It’s usually met with hostility and denial, which just pushes people further into the “I’m right” corner.
I have lied to my therapist once. Basically, I got tortured by a demonic entity but said an ex boyfriend did that to me. I lied because I felt embarrassed over the unique, seemingly unheard of situation. When I told him and apologized he said it was appreciated. And now he has been helping me through the trauma. Best doctor I ever had
I love all of this. I remember once when I had admitted myself to the hospital and was sent to a college counselor for follow-up though and she had me sign a suicide/self harm contract though and honestly it just made me feel like she didn’t understand or believe the severity of how I was feeling. If I’m feeling suicidal and it’s to a point where I’m actually at risk, having signed a contract or a piece of paper isn’t going to stop me and it felt really fake to go through those motions as though it was legally binding somehow. I would have felt a lot more supported with just promising not to do those things person to person. That said, I’m still here though, so who knows?
I went to a psychiatrist and told him about how I had trouble focusing on doing my university homework and how I’d easily forget to reply to texts. His best advice was that I should make a timeline and work with schedules. I get where it came from but I told him I’ve been trying to do that since I was 13 but it never worked cause I start ok but then forget about it. He still insisted a lot that I felt pressured into saying that I would try it. I didn’t come back after that
Back in 1991 I had a therapist who I admitted to having suicidal thoughts to, I wasn’t suicidal, I had no plans of actually ending my own life, yet the therapist asked me to check myself into a hospital for a 24 hour observation. That 24 hour observation ended up being two and a half weeks to bilk my insurance for all they could. My therapist came to visit me a few times while I was in the psych ward of the hospital, and I asked my therapist what would’ve happened if I had decided not to check myself in, my therapist told me that he would’ve called the police to intercept me at home and take me to the hospital where I would then been involuntarily committed. This incident completely made me lose all trust of any and all therapists. Here’s another reason not to trust therapists: My grandfather died on his way to work, crashed into by a drunk driver, the son of the local mayor, this was back in the 1950s, so long before I was born; that incident really impacted my mother and her brothers greatly. My youngest uncle had started seeing a therapist who then started putting into his head that all of his problems were caused by his mother (my grandmother). I remember one night my uncle was living with us for while, we were all living with my grandmother at the time. My uncle came in there was a loud argument between them, I don’t even remember what the argument was about, all I remember is what he said before the stormed off to his room, he told my grandmother, “I hate you, I wish you were dead.
I thought I tend to show “I’m okay” too much to my therapist.. but during the earlier months of my MDD diagnosis, I reached my lowest point where i was starting to have ideations. I literally told my therapist in session and again on email that I was scared of how I was feeling and thinking but she completely let it pass and acted as if I was fine. It felt like I was waving a big white flag in her face but it was invisible to her. So was it really me or just my therapist can’t pick up distress signals?
As a therapist, I really liked this and thought it was helpful. I thought it was great that you brought up suicidal thoughts and safety planning. However, there is a lot of research showing that safety contracts are ineffective and shouldn’t be used in therapy. Safety contracts are generally seen as a liability thing and not something that actually prevents the client from harming themself.
Thank you katie! I have a therapist and ive felt like if i say whats really going on i will be judged.. I already struggle with daily feelings of “im not worthy” but if someone that sees the true problems also thinks im not worthy it will break me.. Im going to confront her about my emotions regarding this.. thank you :DDD
A perfectly timed article for me, thank you! I swear YouTube must be listening to my phone 24/7 as I was just chatting to a couple of friends today about my very uncomfortable first intake/assessment appointment with a new, supposed trauma specialist psychologist today. It was a 3-hour appointment. (Waaaay longer than my attention span or energy levels could handle). I’d been referred to him for EMDR therapy for PTSD and CPTSD. Apart from the first 30-minutes of me giving him the bullet points version of my psychiatric history, the rest of the session was a very long-winded sales pitch by him on how EMDR works and him rambling on and drawing weird diagrams and notes to demonstrate his points. I just zoned out and then he’d click his fingers and use a “naughty kid” condescending voice on me saying “Lisa, I need you to come back to me now.” Then he diagnosed me with DID, which I had never heard of but looked it up when I got home; it’s Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder) because he said I was very easily triggered and dissociative multiple times during our session! Yeah dude, having PTSD makes you dissociate, especially if you seem to be treating me like a naughty kid and, against your position of “specialist”, I’d rather freeze than call you out on it! It all ended with him showing me the long list of benefits the treatment would give me and then asked me what I was prepared to “give up” to have them. I didn’t understand, he said “financially”, how much could I commit to the extensive treatment my level of Disorder required.
I’ve been in therapy for 22 years. It has never onced helped me. Yes, I’ve lied to therapists before, especially as a teen. But only because the abuse I was going through would only get worse if I told anyone. My mother and stepfather broke several of my bones when I was 15, because I told my therapist about the sexual abuse they were BOTH doing to me. I’ve been hospitalized several times, and I’m actually going for an evaluation in a few hours. This is the last time I ever go to a mental hospital, if I ever have to do so again, I WILL end myself.
I told the therapist I stopped using the tool she gave me because it wasn’t working in many sitiations. She told me I did not try it long enough and gave me a 5 min lecture about it 🙁 That did not encourage me to use it more. I wish she was curious in which cases it wasn’t working and what else I could use instead.
Forgive me for I have sinned. My counselor, paid for by the company I work for, was highly dismissive of my concerns, kept saying “you should seek psychotherapy from the VA.” They kept pushing things off. Third week, I said “I’m doing great! Thanks for your help and close the case.” I wasn’t doing better, but I wasn’t going to waste another second on someone who didn’t care
Alot of therapist ive seen and this may be regional but any time ive voiced even a thought of suicide ive been hospitalized. In some cases its been found to be unfounded but in NH they dont care about that until after someones already been in the hospital and gone through the trauma of that happening. And yes being hospitalized against your will is traumatic.
i think these advice often apply more effectively to english speakers than therapists all over the world. i tried therapy a couple times in france, they are a lot more distant and cold and make me feel very judged and uncomfortable, so much that i simply decided i would get better on my own instead. and had much better results that way tbh. online help is much easier to apply to the self without having to hop through language barrier and so many figures of speech and biased linguistic expressions.
When getting therapy, I’ve learnt to always build up trust before I say anything that could possibly be said to my parents. Me and my therapist have a rule: Shes only allowed to tell someone something if it causes harm to me or another person and/or if ive asked her to tell someone something for me. I don’t actually think shes ever spoken to my parents about me, only my siblings who also went to her.
My one and only experience of therapy was a disaster. My therapist was very amenable on the first consultation, then on the second, was more interested in fiddling with her new respect gadgets. The 3rd appointment, she didn’t even turn up! Luckily I wasn’t suffering from huge trauma, but if I had been really vulnerable, it could have been quite dangerous. I don’t think I’d ever do therapy again.
And #5, don’t say anything that could harm you if the courts demand your records. I learned that from a therapist & double checked. Our info isn’t always protected in these instances during a court battle & your mental health gets brought up. Don’t say anything that authorities can retrieve with a court order.
Yeah, wonderfully said, but experienced otherwise: Told therapists about the things I remember about what I think was abuse: upcoming pictures, dreadful feelings, dissociation… and they didn’t believe me. So yeah, nice try to talk with your therapist about that! As long as you don’t have explicit enough memories, photos or physical proove- they won’t believe a word you said. Was a great addition to all my trust issues! Years of narcissistic abuse have felt just as good as being betrayed by the one person you thought who’ll help you.
Love this type of therapy content, thank you! Looking forward to more. I just had therapy today after not going for a couple of months (because of illness and holidays) and it was really difficult to get back into it after so long without it, but also I really needed it because I had obviously been struggling more without my regular sessions. So I would be super interested in more content about how to make therapy most effective.
From a patient side of things, my lies are a way to see if I can fool you. I do that because I learned to people please as a juvenile delinquent. Now I’m in my 40s wanting to try therapy again. I realize that nobody can read my mind but im afraid to open up because it will open up there agenda. I’m not very open to suggestions unless it seems to come from a genuine thought provoking place. The agenda I’m speaking of is a therapists learned schooling in which to apply.
I tried therapy once when I was young (this is a long time ago). I had some struggles and a school teacher had a therapist they could recommend. I went there, not knowing what to expect. During our session the therapist fell asleep. I sat in the leather couch, silently, not knowing what to do. I left the room after some time, not waking them up. I’ve never been to therapy since. Whenever I see people yawning during a conversation I freeze up. I link it to the interaction with my one-time therapist. I want to go to therapy, but there is a permanent broken trust. It’s stupid I know, therapists are people too, but I can’t trust any therapist after my experience.
I have bipolar disorder and to be honest it can be hard to tell if I’m doing well or not sometimes. With that in mind, number 2 and number 3 can be daunting. It can be difficult to tell if I’m being authentic in expressing where I’m at, whether I’m doing better or worse at any given time, etc. This is largely due to being so all over the place most of the time. I might be doing pretty well the day I see my psych or therapist but I might be a complete wreck on other days. It’s can be hard to express just how bad a day like that might have been when I’m doing well. The opposite can also be true of course. If I’m on a bad day I might come off like I’ve been doing absolutely horrible and end up over exaggerated just how bad it has been. Honestly it’s just hard to navigate how I’m doing within my own mind, let alone when trying to tell others about it.
if you’re trans telling your therapist that you’re suicidal would be detrimental to many trans peoples health, so that should be addressed differently here therapists have to hospitalize you if you are suicidal, hospitalization often means by gender marker on file separated shared rooms, for trans people that means being misgendered 24/7 of their stay there, which often was one of the things that made them suicidal in the first place so no trans people should not always tell their therapist if they are suicidal (contemplating to attempt suicide) because hospitalization and the resulting additional trauma often guarantees that the trans persons contemplated suicide attempt will actually happen
Heard too many horror stories about people getting the police called on them by their therapist, which only worsened their harmful thoughts and made the entire situation worse for them. I don’t have enough trust in therapists because of that. I also know you mean well, but telling people that “it’s your job to tell us what’s going on with you” makes them feel like they’re a burden to you and only stresses them out even more. Remember that not all therapists are good. People are justified in feeling unsafe to share things, even after they come and ask for treatment. Telling people who are already not doing well mentally that they are wrong for not sharing things when they don’t know you misses the whole point of the process. You have to unpeel the layers very slowly before getting to the core of the person, and while they may not be able to read minds, a good therapists should know how to read subtle cues and body language in order to help their patient.
As a Autistic,ADHD,BPD, PTSD,Tourette’s, depression, anxiety and seasonal depression……. I absolutely hate it when I leave a higher level therapist and immediately have a sudden crisis and I don’t have a therapist who has the skills…… my current Therapist is doing her best but I can tell that I’m overwhelming her which is actually a good gauge for me to see if I am coping with blinders on…… it’s hard but totally worth keeping going.
I had a therapist who got hung up that I was slurring my speech. This was when she knew all my teeth were being removed. This process took over a year as I’m diabetic and healing took longer. I cried thru therapy a lot and having oral surgery gave her the license to think I was using illicit drugs. She started to call my daughter while my daughter was at work. She said false accusations about me. My daughter confronted her bc she lives with me and knew that the lies weren’t true. I became really I’ll and required emergency services. When it was time to return to therapy I requested a new therapist and my psychiatrist got upset. She then began to agree with the therapist. They refused to survive me and kicked me out. These were people I saw from 2008-2022. I wonder if my therapist was having some mental health issues herself. She was an older woman. Now it’s difficult to trust my current therapist. BTW, I could prove I wasn’t taking drugs bc pain management treated me for other diseases I have and they check your urine.
You know, just because someone is a therapist doesn’t mean they automatically deserve to be trusted. I’ve found too many therapists that just go through the motions that it is straight out of a textbook. I find it a bit condescending to tell a patient what he or she shouldn’t say. Therapists are human beings and many of them in my experience aren’t particularly worthy of trust, not for quite a long time.
#4 is the hardest for me because I really hate offending people. It’s a horrible curse to have because it makes it so hard to actually find a therapist that works for me. I lied to my last therapist and told him I felt good enough to move on from therapy when really it just felt like none of what he was telling me was working. He asked me what worked well and what didn’t and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that nothing he was telling me actually helped so I lied and told him that his values cards were helpful. With my therapist before that, I did a little better and came out and told her that I didn’t think it was working and asked if she could help me find a new therapist. It felt so painful and awkward to say and I felt like I was hurting her feelings, like I was tells her she wasn’t good enough. I still have no idea how to tell a therapist it’s not working.
I know someone who was in a doctor’s office along with a social worker. The guy was angry with the social worker and he blurted out “I feel like jumping out of a window.” The social worker then called the police and the guy wound up in the psychiatric ward of a hospital. What the guy meant was that he was frustrated, he didn’t mean it literally.
#2 happened to me a few weeks ago. I was stuck in people pleaser mode and didn’t think it through when my therapist asked if I was going to be ok until next week. I just answered on autopilot. I tried to take my own life a few days after that appointment and spent some time on a ward. Ive been out for two weeks now and am definitely not ok still, but getting better. And my case worker took all the knives from my kitchen =)
My overbearing mother literally made it impossible for me to tell bitter truths. She used to hit me for hours everytime I told her the truth. As a result, I became a very good liar. I could literally picture something I haven’t done (down to the last detail, so I won’t get caught), believe it’s real (somewhat) and tell it with confidence. My life would have been much better if my mother listened to me instead of just beating and shouting at me for every small mistake I made in my life. I don’t think therapy will work for me as I also have physical illeness like deviated nasal septum and chronic facial infection which made it difficult for me to breath normally (I am literally a mouth breather) and sleep, they’re probably contributing to my ADHD symptoms (I don’t know if I’ve ADHD but I’ve the symptoms). I also have constipation and I noticed that I become more mentally unstable when I am constipated. I will never ever consult a psychiatrist as I don’t trust psych medications. I don’t think the scientific community understands brain enough to prescribe longterm medications for brain diseases. The last part is just my opinion and I won’t mind if you disagree with me.
When i was a kid my mom put me in counseling because i was depressed and what not. However, she told me not to tell the counselor about the abuse going on at home from her boyfriend (also the guy that impregnated her) because they would take my baby brother away. To hell with me. So everytime i went to see her I would lie about everything. Always said things were getting better at home. I know she’s not a mind reader but to this day, when i think about it, i wonder if she knew i was full of shit or if she sensed something wasn’t right. We mostly talked about my low self esteem, which was like putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound. Now that i am an adult i regret not telling the truth. I wonder if it would’ve made a difference or not.
One thing I learned the hard way to never tell a therapist: If you have intrusive thoughts. Multiple psychiatrists and psychologists have told me that if I tell them I’m having thoughts that would harm someone if acted upon, they are bound by law to report me to the police. In short, don’t go to therapy if your goal is to get better. Because telling them what issues you want to fix will give the police a reason to arrest you. Therapy is fine for depression or PTSD. But NOT for intrusive thoughts. Have a dream in which your wife dies? If you tell your therapist, you will be arrested for attempted murder. I have intrusive thoughts that have gone on for nearly 30 years and I have never met a therapist that I could trust.
My fear was never that I’d be locked up. My fear is that, they’re gonna get so defensive about their liability that they’ll have to disengage any treatment. It’s happened to me before. “Oh we won’t be able to do anything for you until you go to the ER. That’s the policy.” AND because you have no life-threatening injuries, the ER is just gonna make you wait for a few hours, then write you out a referral to a specialist you could never afford. but say goodbye to the treatment you were gonna see beforehand. I’ll NEVER make that mistake again.
After a long history of therapists (I can’t remember exactly how many; more than 5 and less than 10, since I was 12-13. years old), I’ve learned that honesty often leads to adverse consequences, usually involving immediately being cut off of my crucial medication, quickly followed by my removal from therapy. So, yeah, unfortunately I have very little incentive to be honest. Still hoping for the day I find a therapist who sees me as a person and not a liability. I’m on medicaid, too, so I think the lack of monetary compensation might be a factor in my swift dismissals from care? But that is only an assumption based on my history with primary care doctors and dentists.
I have both a Counselor and a Psychologist. I have C-PTSD and anxiety. I am also AuDHD. Over the years I’ve had many therapists. At 55 I now tell them upfront in the very first meeting that I need them to call me on my bullshit. lol I tell them that I skip over traumatic things and minimize it often. I have a Psychologist who is really young but incredibly savvy. And she nails me every time. I’ve gotten further with her then any other one I’ve had and I am incredibly grateful. I don’t do it on purpose, but I am aware that I am high masking and that I’m very private. It’s hard to share my personal Hells with others. Sometimes it just feels like “too much”.
I already know what one of these is, $20 on it. Where as you would avoid that topic, I’m going to bring it up as part of my test. And I quote”Oh yeah, by the way, if you ever consider calling the men in white coats because anything I say or anything you think? I promise I will stop at noting to hurt myself and others; i’ve promised myself I would not allow that to happen again ” That’s the point they typically make a note and comment. There’s quite a lot for them to pick up on, read into, and depending how they choose to read into that statement basically all together tells me what I need to know about them.
One if the biggest things with Therapy a lot of people should keep in mind… Just because they are a therapist, doesn’t mean they’re *good*. If you feel like that person isn’t doing a good job, you aren’t obligated to stick around. I say this from experience from the last therapist I had… I was forced to switch therapists because the one I was seeing was no longer available, and I had to see a new person who was like a few months out of college. I suffer from extreme social anxiety, and anxiety in general, as well as depression… I also live in the country side, a half hour to an hour away from any town. This therapist didn’t seem to understand this, no matter how many times I tried to tell her. She would constantly tell me I should go visit a park for a few mins, a library, somewhere public. I didn’t have to interact with anyone, just be in a public place. But also, going to the store didn’t count, because going to the store is “something people need to do”. She wouldn’t listen to the fact that I live far out of town, and it would be expensive on gas to go to town for stuff like that. The only times we went to town was for shopping (which doesn’t count because it’s something we need to do), because gas was/is so expensive. The biggest red flag for me, though, which led to me gtfoing from that therapist, was when I had to go to the ER for something, and other than having someone drive me there… I did it all on my own. I talked to everyone, got checked out, and even went to get my meds on my own.
4:46 “ready for therapy” that’s a bit scared me…. 😀 can I be not ready for therapy?… or what does it like to be ready for it? If I have a lot of deffensive thoughts than maybe I’m not ready? But how can I leave them if I can’t go to therapy?… I guess I’m just overthinking, sorry if my english is not that good. I hope You can understand my question. 🙁 <3
Heyy, great article!! Fun fact; I was actually very grateful to be hospitalised, since I needed to be taken out of my environment for actual progress and give up everyday-life responsibilities in order to focus on my rehabilitation and recovery process. It’s been great so far, as long as you look into the hospital options thoroughly before going, it can actually be an amazing experience. Surprisingly, I had many fellow teens here saying that their hospital stay has been the best time of their lives and the first time they felt actually safe and understood, not even necessarily by the psychiatrists/therapists/doctors but most importantly by their fellow inmates. I think hospitals can get demonised a lot, but some can really provide great care and, above all, time for the patient to work through the issues at hand. Probably the worst mindset when entering a hospital program is thinking that everything will be unhelpful at best and an absolute hellhole at worst, because what you really need is the will to work with the tools provided to you. You don’t have to be okay in the slightest, but what you should at least try is to cooperate and have the will to get better someday, even if that is still far in the future. Good luck and all my love <3