Ceasing contact with your family is a difficult decision, but it may be the right one for you. It can be an emotional experience, but it can ultimately be very freeing and empowering. Working with a therapist is recommended to help identify signs of being ready to cut off contact, such as major boundary violations and constant guilt trips. Some interactions with certain family members can be so distressing that they repeatedly offend and insult you.
Committing to cutting ties brings on feelings of guilt, failure, shame, emptiness, doubt, abandonment, and even grief. Deciding to face these feelings is important, as it signifies a deliberate, albeit painful, choice to sever or limit contact with one’s family members due to various reasons. Therapeutic practices have evolved to include a variety of approaches that aim to help individuals confront and heal from their issues. Two very different methods are “cutting off your family” and “cutting off your life”.
Some signs that it’s time to stop devoting yourself to a relationship with a toxic family member, according to experts. If you’re an introvert, spending a good deal of time with any person, whether or not they’re toxic, is not easy. It’s especially hard to accept that a family member is creating so much stress, anxiety, and pain that you can’t continue having a relationship with them.
Some common reasons why a relative is likely to cut another off or freeze them out of the family fold are:
- Unresolved issues within a family
- Intimate contact with the family member
- Financial independence from the family
- Not initiating contact
- Realizing you don’t owe the family your presence just because they are family
- Having a support system
- Drafting a message if you feel safe
- Cutting people from your life when they are the reason for your pain
- Starting small activities for yourself
- Giving yourself some space but not always having to write off or avoid your family.
Detaching is an emotional concept and should only be taken when your well-being is genuinely at risk. Meet your family member in a neutral, public place and calmly explain how it’s not in your best interest to see or contact them.
| Article | Description | Site |
|---|---|---|
| What are the next steps in cutting off toxic family? | Make sure you are financially independent from them, then step back. Start by not initiating contact, don’t seek them out or involve them in your day to day … | reddit.com |
| Practical Magic: How to Cut Ties With Your Family | Realize you don’t owe your family your presence just because they are family · Get a support system · Draft a message, if you feel safe · Block, … | autostraddle.com |
| Is it wrong to cut off your family & start a new life without … | It is okay to cut people from your life when they are the reason for your pain. You shouldn’t keep letting yourself down. At a certain point, … | quora.com |
📹 How to Do a Cut off From the Narcissistic Family System
I hope you find this video helpful! Some items of note: *The letter guidelines are just what I suggest. The short letter is to avoid co …
How To Fix A Dysfunctional Family?
Una combinación de terapia individual y consejería familiar para toda la familia puede ser beneficiosa para romper patrones disfuncionales y reconstruir familias funcionales. Evitar el papel de uno en el drama familiar o en la organización puede ser complicado. Muchas personas están tan ocupadas que no se detienen a reconocer su situación. El crecimiento en un hogar con dinámicas familiares disfuncionales implica un proceso de autoexploración y esfuerzos intencionales hacia la sanación.
Crear un sistema de apoyo y centrarse en la comunicación familiar son esenciales para afrontar la disfunción. Los patrones disfuncionales se pueden deshacer reconociendo que las familias son sistemas interconectados. Es fundamental sentir las emociones completamente y asumir la responsabilidad personal. La disfunción familiar puede manifestarse como manipulación emocional, problemas de control y patrones de comunicación poco saludables. Educarse sobre estas dinámicas es clave para comprender y abordar el problema.
Establecer límites claros es una estrategia efectiva para lidiar con miembros disfuncionales. Con esfuerzos conjuntos y un enfoque en soluciones, las familias pueden superar el dolor del drama familiar y trabajar hacia la funcionalidad en un ambiente más saludable y feliz.
How Do I Move On From A Family Argument?
Coping with family arguments can be challenging, but implementing healthy strategies can help. Start by establishing personal boundaries to ensure your emotional safety during conflicts. Journaling your feelings can provide clarity, while talking to someone you trust offers an outside perspective. It's essential to remember that arguments don’t solely reflect your character or worth.
After a disagreement, aim to reconnect rather than avoiding each other, which can heighten tension. Accept family members for who they are, as attempts to change them often lead to frustration. To manage conflict effectively, consider taking breaks to prevent escalation. Identify your typical responses to conflict and try to act oppositely to foster communication.
Emotional control is crucial—listen actively and maintain neutral body language. If a situation intensifies, pause the interaction to de-escalate without causing further hurt. When apologies are needed, express them sincerely and take responsibility for your actions. Opt for resolution over conflict; assess whether an issue warrants the fight. Lastly, seek help from therapists or supportive friends to navigate difficult relationships and cultivate harmonious interactions.
What Is The Root Cause Of Dysfunctional Families?
Dysfunctional families often arise from the interplay between an overtly abusive parent and a codependent partner, compounded by issues like substance abuse, addiction, or untreated mental illness. Such families risk harming their children through blame, chaos, poor boundaries, and ineffective communication. A common dynamic in these settings is the "golden child" phenomenon, where one child is idealized, causing complexities in adulthood. Trauma is a critical factor in dysfunctional families, with Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)—such as abuse or neglect—playing a considerable role.
Various elements contribute to family dysfunction, including parental relationships, individual personalities, traumatic events (like divorce or death), and cultural or ethnic beliefs impacting family dynamics.
Unresolved trauma, unmet emotional needs, and ineffective communication typically perpetuate cycles of conflict, neglect, and toxic relationship patterns. While family dysfunction may appear as animosity and turmoil, it is often more nuanced, stemming from various stresses and learned behaviors. Parent-child role reversals can further entrench dysfunction, allowing denial and enabling harmful behaviors to persist without meaningful change or healing.
Dysfunctional families are prone to neglect, abuse, secrecy, and addiction, resulting in unmet emotional needs for children. Toxic parenting can manifest through unhealthy disciplinary methods, poor relational dynamics, and unclear boundaries. Key causes of dysfunction include untreated mental health issues, addiction, financial instability, and specific parenting styles, such as authoritarianism or overly permissive approaches. Ultimately, the failure to address these issues leads to entrenched dysfunctional patterns, creating a "culture" that hinders healthy familial relationships.
Are You Ready To Cut Off Contact With Your Parents?
Deciding to cut off contact with emotionally immature parents is a deeply personal choice, marked by signs such as boundary violations and guilt trips, as outlined by therapists. This choice can stem from an effort to prioritize self-care and mental health. There's no universal solution, as each situation is different, and it's crucial that the individual defines what "no contact" entails for them, whether it means ignoring calls or limiting interaction.
Engaging in open conversations about distressing issues can sometimes lead to resolution, but dealing with toxic family members often complicates matters, leading many to seek support from forums where experiences of estrangement are shared.
Those who choose to sever ties with their parents may grapple with mixed emotions, including anger, loneliness, and guilt. It’s essential to understand that feelings of doubt may arise about the decision, which can evolve over time. While cutting contact may not erase complex feelings or cultural stigma, it can be a brave move toward breaking free from harmful family dynamics. Additionally, temporary distancing and revisiting the decision later can allow for personal healing and growth. Ultimately, the choice to go no contact rests with the adult child, emphasizing the importance of autonomy in navigating family relationships.
What Is The Root Cause Of Family Conflict?
Family conflicts commonly arise from differing beliefs, values, and perspectives among family members, which can involve issues such as religion, politics, or parenting approaches. Financial stress is a significant factor, often stemming from insufficient funds for bills, rent, and necessities. Misunderstandings can exacerbate these tensions, leading to increased disputes. Frequent sources of conflict include communication breakdowns, contrasting values, parenting disagreements, financial issues, and lifestyle choices.
Additionally, the merging of families and external pressures, like work stress, may contribute to discord. Resolving these conflicts often requires recognizing what can be controlled, allowing time for emotions to settle, and striving to understand each other's viewpoints. The emotional intensity and closeness of familial relationships can amplify conflicts compared to friendships. Some essential strategies for conflict resolution include accepting individual limitations, addressing financial concerns, and managing toxic behaviors within the family. Ultimately, addressing these root causes with effective communication can foster a more harmonious family environment and mitigate the negative impacts of unresolved issues.
How To Not Let Family Problems Affect You?
Dealing with a toxic family member, such as a parent or sibling, involves several key strategies. First, define your role in the relationship and establish clear boundaries that you must adhere to. Taking a time-out is acceptable when faced with family drama, as it's essential to prevent boundaries from morphing into fear. Remember, their issues are not your fault—embrace the mantra, "Not my circus, not my monkeys."
Recognize that family conflicts often stem from differing opinions, values, or lifestyles and can impact your well-being. Tune into your feelings and understand your triggers to manage emotional responses effectively. Forgiveness is vital; learn from mistakes and communicate openly to foster healthier interactions.
Maintaining self-care—like exercise, relaxation techniques, and enjoying activities—will help you cope better with challenging family dynamics. Regular breaks and planned family outings can keep your mental clarity intact. Ultimately, focus on your life and the positive aspects around you rather than expending energy on toxic relationships. With awareness and resilience, you can protect your peace amidst family struggles.
What Are The Three Rules Of A Dysfunctional Family?
Dysfunctional families often adhere to unspoken rules that hinder healthy communication and emotional expression, namely: "don’t talk, don’t trust, and don’t feel." These guidelines negatively affect both childhood development and adult relationships. In such environments, children may face blame, chaos, and a lack of healthy boundaries, leading to long-term emotional harm. One prominent role in these dynamics is the "golden child," who is perceived as flawless but can struggle in adulthood due to these expectations.
Many individuals may have strained or broken family ties without recognizing these underlying dysfunctions. Dr. Claudia Black highlights that secrets create shame, as communication about family issues is often stifled. The three core rules serve as barriers to processing feelings and problems—denying issues, bottling up emotions, and fostering distrust among family members. By understanding these rules, individuals can begin to redefine their familial interactions and work toward healthier dynamics.
While all families exhibit some dysfunction, recognizing and addressing these behaviors can pave the way for emotional healing and improved relationships. Ultimately, confronting the implicit rules of dysfunction is essential for fostering a nurturing family environment.
Should You Cut Ties To Your Family?
Before severing ties with family, consider the potential long-term consequences and unresolved feelings that may arise. Cutting off contact can be tempting, especially with emotionally immature family members, but exploring other options is important. Recognize toxic behaviors and learn when it may be necessary to end a relationship for your well-being. Seek signs of emotional abuse and understand the factors that complicate the decision to cut ties.
Feelings of guilt or disrespect from family can be indicators that action may be required. Setting boundaries or minimizing contact can be viable alternatives to outright estrangement. It’s essential to assess if a relationship is draining you, especially for introverts, and to consult mental health experts on recognizing when cutting ties is justified. Discovering coping mechanisms and support systems outside of family can also be beneficial. While maintaining family bonds can offer psychological benefits, prioritizing your mental health and safety is paramount.
Ultimately, trust your instincts and seek clarity in your relationships; never feel obligated to endure toxicity from family members. Take the time to evaluate your situation thoroughly before making any final decisions, as this can pave the way for a healthier, more fulfilling life.
What Are The Benefits Of Cutting Off A Family?
Cutting off toxic or abusive family members can offer several benefits for mental and physical health. Emotional healing is one key advantage, as distancing oneself creates the necessary space to recover from past traumas. Establishing boundaries is another crucial aspect; severing ties can enforce limits that were previously ignored or disrespected. Many individuals find that they model healthier relationships after such estrangement, breaking the cycle of dysfunction.
Although there are significant benefits, such as reduced stress and increased self-confidence, it's essential to acknowledge the grief that comes with the decision. Therapist Nedra Tawwab suggests that one should recognize abuse, prioritize safety, seek therapy, and surround themselves with support when considering this choice. While estrangement is common, therapy emphasizes that it can also lead to feelings of liberation and empowerment.
The decision to cut ties can be emotionally complex, marked by relief and guilt. Ultimately, prioritizing mental health may necessitate difficult choices, including minimizing contact or eliminating toxic family influences altogether.
What Happens If You Cut Off A Family Member?
Cutting ties with a toxic family member can lead to strained relationships with those who remain connected, causing additional tension and feelings of isolation. Estranged individuals often long for reconciliation, even with people who behave abusively. Toxic family dynamics can severely impact mental health, as harmful behaviors lack respect for others' emotional well-being. Experts suggest that severing ties may be necessary when a family member consistently exhibits abusive or exploitative behavior, prompting individuals to seek therapy due to the resulting pain.
It's crucial to recognize signs indicating readiness to cut off contact, particularly if a relative displays emotional immaturity. Family estrangement involves voluntarily and deliberately separating oneself from negative relationships. Before making such a decision, it's beneficial to communicate boundaries. However, for some, setting boundaries is insufficient, and cutting off ties becomes essential for self-care. The emotional fallout from such actions can include grief, guilt, or relief, indicating a transition away from toxicity.
Common signs include increased awareness of mistreatment, feeling that solutions have been exhausted, and recognizing that negative experiences outweigh positive ones. Those considering this route should remain mindful of their feelings and express them through writing, even if they do not intend to send the correspondence. Prioritizing one’s mental health and well-being is ultimately the guiding principle in navigating these complex family dynamics.
How To Emotionally Detach But Stay?
To safeguard your emotional health through detachment, begin by defining your reasons for wanting to detach and reconciling with your emotions. It’s essential to recalibrate your expectations and focus on what you can control. Establishing healthy boundaries and limiting contact can create necessary space, providing perspective during stressful relational times. Emotionally detaching allows you to respond rather than react, helping you remain calm amid challenging situations.
Recognizing signs of emotional distress, such as anxiety and low self-esteem, indicates the need for detachment. This process involves reevaluating your connection to the person and adjusting the emotional investment. Detaching can be beneficial for recovery from codependency, allowing you to release difficult situations and cultivate mental organization. Engage in new hobbies or activities, which serve as distractions and help maintain focus. Furthermore, seek external support and practice mindfulness by acknowledging others' struggles without absorbing their emotional weight.
By thoughtfully exploring your options and redefining relationships, you create a healthier emotional environment while managing attachments responsibly. Overall, detachment is about letting go and preserving your emotional well-being.
📹 How to cut ties with toxic family or friends. Step by step tutorial.
My best work is my writing. I am going to increase the frequency of my Unstuck Newsletter. Get on my email list at …
Writing the letter is giving the narcissist more supply and opening yourself up to more abuse that you will have to fend off. Writing an emotionally intelligent and coherent letter to a narcissist is like trying to communicate trigonometry to an infant. Save yourself from this and just do the cut off without the letter. Let your silence speak for you.
I cut off my family almost 10 years ago and still grieve the relationship I’ve always wanted to have with them. It’s truly heartbreaking. It was on the verge of suicide right before I took the leap and moved to another continent. And it’s not that I wanted to die. I wanted to not be with them. And cutting them off definitely saved my life.
What is hardest about making the decision to break with your family is acknowledging that you really don’t have one. You are already cut off, on your own in the world. Someone once said of my family, “They’ll never love you no matter what you do.” At the time that hit me like a punch to the gut, but once I accepted it (and it took a very long time), my life became possible.
To anyone reading this, do it. He might as well have been talking about my family. Cutting them off is one of the hardest things I ever did, and one of the best things that I ever did. It’s been 10 years, and I’m not sorry for a minute. I believe it saved my life. It will be awful in the beginning, but you’ll start to grow as a person and feel free like you never have before. Keep on educating yourself and get the hell out….
“You have mommy/daddy issues and you just want attention..” “You declared war on the entire family and dont come around because you want attention and everyone focused on your selfish behind. It’s your way,or no way” “You have always been a troubled child…” They (extended family and friends) will be dirty and come around,or call you pretending they are empathetic towards you, to hear your side of the story are just trying to understand, then hit you with Insults and put downs something like that… Then hang up in your face or walk off.. Immediate family will just play dumb about why you walked.. You don’t have any allies in that type of environment.. No real friends either, because most likely,because of your up bringing,you did a piss poor job of choosing friends.. Just clean house and get them all out of your life….
When I was 22 at university, I decided the cut off during a phone call to my mother where she was bitching yet again on decisions that I made for myself. I ended the phone call with : “ok”, ” I heard you”, “yep”, “ok bye”. I moved dorms and I didn’t call again for 3 years. And now I can be around her a maximum of 3 times a year for 1 hour and some short phone calls once a month where I enquire about her health and let her talk. I don’t share anything major that is going on in my life.
The realisation that my Father is a narcissist was liberating. But it’s also overwhelmingly sad and confusing to have to grieve for a person and a relationship that never was. The signs were always there. I just didn’t want to believe it. It was easier to believe that everything was my fault. The sheer terror of being completely alone without a family subsides when I realise that. I have always been alone.
Both my mom and I were scapegoats in our family. After my mother died, the toxic behaviors of my siblings increased. The cut off was when my cousin unwittingly clued me in. She told me she hated the way my mother was treated (which was very bad and cruel to her they were always putting her down and belittling her to her face and behind her back), and she noted that now that our mother was dead, my siblings moved me into her spot. I was always treated poorly, but it was really amping up. After my cousin’s revelation I ended up in an argument with my siblings that made it clear where I stood. I told my sister I needed her to give me space because I was upset. She refused and kept calling. My other lied to other family members about our argument. Luckily I live very far away from them. I changed my phone number and shut my email account. It has been almost 12 years now and though I still have a lot of trauma to work through, I am doing so much better now. A message I received from my sister is that I should be ashamed for my lack of forgiveness. And lastly that she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. I don’t owe them explanation. I can forgive. Forgiveness is onesided. I will not ever reconcile with them. Period.
i like how you mentioned that other cultures may not accept this to be a norm – i come from Southeast Asia and it was a very tough decision for me to break away from my own family 5 years ago. I read, listened and watched a lot of resources with regards to childhood abuse and toxic families to try and understand what exactly happened to me. Till this day, my dad is still gas lighting me and denying all the abuses that had happened because according to him, i’m the weird one and possibly insane. it’s tough cos in an Asian community, filial piety is held in high regard and my very act of leaving home is seen as defiance and nothing more. I hate it that in many people’s eyes – Asian parents can do no wrong, that they are authority figures and that they know what’s best for the kids but nobody sees what happens behind closed doors – the violent beatings, the verbal insults, the sexual assaults, the grooming, the threats and the shaming. And the insane thing is despite all these, Asian society still thinks that these very children – who have already grown up to be adults must fulfill their obligatory duties to their parents by taking care of them during old age. Adult children who have internalized all these abuses, and then act out all these abuses in one way or another – either on their loved ones, their own children, their friends and then having nowhere else to turn to. It’s a frickin’ cycle. Unfortunately, the law still protects the elderly parents because elderly parents can sue adult children for not supporting them.
My family uses the “honor thy mother and father” verse on me as an absolute reason for me to fall in line. I have been called dramatic for creating healthy boundaries for me and my family. I have been slandered, have feared for my safety and shamed. As I begin to separate and heal I really appreciate your words of wisdom. I definitely suffer from “forgetful optimism” from time to time and totally identify with how it feels to be “clobbered” but know that I have to move on for the health of my own family. I am breaking the cycle here and now. Thank you!!
The hardest thing I ever had to deal with was realizing my family didn’t really love me or want the best for me – but kept me around because what I could do for them – did it hurt – more than you know But once I came to terms with it and let them go – it was so freeing – like a weight had been lifted from me – which made it easier for me to accomplish the things I wanted to/ made me happy Bonus – have almost no drama in my life Looking back wish I hadn’t been so afraid and done it sooner
I did a cutoff several years ago from my borderline mother and sister. I made great progress in the five years apart – I was able to quit alcohol and lost over 100lbs. I re-established connection with them eventually but after two years all the toxic elements have returned and I regret reuniting with them. I think it’s time for another cutoff and maybe this time for good.
Staying in a family unit where every good deed you do they rewrite as selfish or attention seeking or fake or a result of being mentally disturbed is soul destroying. That behavior is usually the groundwork laid in toxic families that causes someone to leave because they literally have no choice in order to protect their peace of mind. Such a great and sadly accurate article.
I cut my family off (with the exception of my dad) back in July. I didn’t tell them & they didn’t even realize it until my birthday in August when they finally noticed that my Facebook page had been deleted. No one contacted me until the next day & then it was “I tried to wish you a happy birthday, but your Facebook page is gone” I replied something like “I deleted my Facebook page over a month ago. Thank you for the birthday wishes.” I haven’t heard from them since & couldn’t be happier about it.
I cut off beginning of this year because I was quite literally going insane because of their gas lighting and mind games. That cut off was the hardest thing I have ever done and I am still very much in the healing process. Since I cut them off, my business has exponentially grown, I now have international presence and this year is looking to be my strongest year yet. I am 33 years old and finding a new, beautiful way to look at my life. And learning how to be a better father to my daughter. Thanks for these vids!
I thought I had a settled, warm and loving childhood until I reached my 30’s and faced complete abandonment from both my parents. I’ve reached cut off stage and haven’t had contact with them for nearly a year now. This article helps me see that my childhood was full of ‘looks good on paper’ traits and my life choices didn’t fit that. Your articles are helping me unpick the trauma so that I can rebuild myself in my 40’s. Thank you
And if friends say “but it’s your parents” I ask them “you think now I have to give them back what they’ve given me?” And when they say “yes” then I reply “that will be kind of hard for them because in that case I have to beat them every day until they’re laying on the floor crying”! After that answer those friends never talked about it anymore 😂
I didn’t bother with a letter. After years of being already discarded(long story) I just moved to live with my daughter states away and I am so much happier!! Life is too short to spend time with apathetic people you happen to share dna with. Be with those who want you!! Let the others serve as a life lesson in how not to be
uhg. Im 35 and I just cut my mom off today. I am grieving the dream. I chased the dream so long. Like, my whole life. She doesnt want to work with me to reconcile and be accountable for the abuse she has inflicted on me and my siblings. I have a toddler now. I really thought that she had an option to just simply be an awesome grandma and my kid would never even need to know what a horrible parent she is. She doesnt want to be a grandparent. Its almost as tho she lives in a totally different reality. Theres no point in saying anything to her, verbally or written because she projects so hard she will literally reply to something I did not say. Anyways. Sorry all of you had parents who made you feel like you were nothing, that you were only precious to them when it made them look good. Im sorry they dont see you.
When he said “forgetful optimism” it was like discovering what I’ve been feeling for so long but couldn’t find the right words to explain… I’ve been in that cycle for 5 years now and am just starting to wake up to the fact that things won’t ever change. It’s like my narc family are constantly dangling the carrot within my reach, and then as soon as I get close enough to grab it, they pull the line away and just repeat that over and over… It’s a constant mind game with them and I’m starting to be more aware of how it affects me mentally and emotionally… I think I’m finally ready to cut ties for good.
I did this with almost all of my family members, starting with my mother. I wish the internet or youtube had been invented at the time I did it. It was a very difficult strugle. Walking away was one of the most difficult, painful and guilt inducing things I have ever done. I was 21 when I walked away from my mother, after years and years of systematic abuse. Now, 32 years later, and after several attempts at reconciliation and finally acceptance, I can say it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I have 2 grown children, my son, 28 who never met my mother, and my daughter 20, who met her once. They are both good people, and don’t have the baggage I had to overcome. I wouldn’t want to have to go through the turmoil again, but I saved myself, and have been able to live a relatively peaceful life.
For me it became a lot easier to set those boundaries when I reached a point in my healing that I valued my own safety, comfort and happiness over theirs. A reverse of how I was brought up. Now nothing could make me sacrifice myself for their needs and while it’s sad to have to cut off, it’s hugely beneficial and preferable to staying entangled in that toxic and harmful mess.
I wrote to family members saying I was taking much needed time off from being my mother’s primary caregiver. Within 2 weeks my husband and I were reported to adult protective services (sister/mother/niece involved in this) for elder abuse which resulted in months of being investigated, thousands of dollars on lawyer fees, and eventually there were of course no charges brought against us. The moral of the story….if you decide to communicate your plans/intentions to these types of indivudals be prepared for all hell to break loose. The abandonment rage can be very very destructive.
I felt like I needed another mother after I realised what she & others had done & as part of breaking the trauma bond but I have been betrayed so many times by family members so I decided to mother myself. My inner child & I are now a team with my adult self looking after us both. Now I don’t feel alone. Also, discovered that my grandmother, father & I & some younger family members are/were probably HSPs – Highly Sense-itive People. My life is so much better. Theresa
I feel like from my experience this is so complicated. I’ve never felt my family was toxic. The more I got older though I realised I was used to putting on a mask and whenever we discussed my values there was big uproar about it. I was treated as the difficult one. My sister even pointed out that she perceived that I was never really happy because the things I cared about were persistently shut down. My family cut me off from friends who supported my mental wellbeing and I’m slowly starting to realise I need to seperate myself for my own happiness.
I let go my siblings over a decade ago. Parents are gone. Siblings were more hurtful in my case, being a youngest of four than the parents. It was a trickle down toxicity effect. The betrayal was deeper and unexpected from my playmates, cohearts. They learned and were groomed to be perpetrators and I a target. And boy did I pull out of the woodwork, friends who acted in a familial way! It took a long time to recover. To stand for being treated well, with reciprocity, healthy communication practices, emotional responsibility etc. I have taught Conscious Relationships Practices, The Language of the Heart and Conflict Resolution Practices for 31 years! I made lemonade out of the lemons! And the good news, as with this article being more accessible to the public, you can heal these pains! You are not stuck with them! Thanks for your great work!
I had to cut off my family in the spurt of the moment kind of thing, there was no letter. I was sexually abused by one of my brothers throughout my childhood and teen years. When I told my dad that my abuser shouldn’t be living under the same roof as his teenage step-daughter, I saw my family’s true colors and I cut them off right there. My intention was to temporarily keep my distance, but as things unfolded and they started placing the responsibility on me, I stayed farther and farther away and started seeing things much more clearly. I didn’t even know that what my brother did was sexual abuse. On top of that my mother is schizophrenic and was emotionally unavailable. There was no support there whatsoever. After I cut off my family, my migraines decreased significantly, which makes me think, the emotional and psychological burden of my dysfunctional family was causing them. They still think I made the decision out of anger and resentment. I just know it was the right call.
Telling them calmly and politely that you’re needing to take some time apart to work on some things is a litmus test in itself. I got disgustingly insulting voicemails (in the middle of the night!), letters full of abuse and the police sent to my home and workplace. So, the time apart immediately became forever.
My abusive parents died suddenly. The rest of the toxic religious family tried to attack me through the justice system. After dealing with lawyers, I just stopped talking, didn’t reply to letters and have no social media for them to stalk anymore. They are too ashamed of their behaviour to try and start things face to face. I pray they realize how awful their behaviour has been and they do not deserve to be in my presence anymore. All I want them to know is how damaging and unChristian they truly are, how they’ve created a nightmare in the family line. I feel good about cutting them off, even though it is difficult to grieve having no family at all, but better none than abusive toxic people. I enjoy being alone and it has given me a lot of perspective to have space of my own realizing that what I grew up with in definitely NOT normal.
My cutoff letter was sent yesterday. I am re-watching these articles for clarity against a feeling of fog. They help enormously. Content like this gives me enormous hope and a different sense of how caring people can be in the world. Patrick, I cannot thank you enough. Thank you. And I wish everyone here healing and peace heading into Christmas.
Everything in this fits my situation. I left during the last clobbering episode and blocked all means of communication – for the first time ever. I didn’t announce my cut off bc it happened impulsively. I dont feel like sending a letter bc I have been blamed for being dramatic when I distanced myself after being clobbered in the past. Thing really escalated after I started standing up for myself. My sister used my mom to let me know I would be shunned if I didn’t attend her wedding. It was very difficult to see my estranged father who physically abused me (mostly me) horribly. My parents divorced 6m after I got my own place. I think that says a lot about my position. I was the black sheep. When I confronted my sister after the wedding I got blamed for being dramatic, even though I stayed polite and only expressed my disappointment. When I distanced myself from my sister I got blamed by my mother for being dramatic. And when I distanced myself from my mom, my brother did the same. A letter just feels futile at this point. To me this cut off feels permanent.i explained in our last fight why I would disappear for months on end, barely replying. So I don’t feel any obligation to do any more announcing.
Thank you, Patrick, for this spot-on article. The amount of backlash/pushback/persecution you receive when you do the cutoff is indicative of just how abused you have been. I did a cut off (via writing a letter )from the most abusive family members 10 years ago. I did a huge amount of growing and healing. Several years later, I let them back in, thinking that they had changed. I was deceived once again. I went downhill and became suicidal. That was when I realized I had to cut them off forever in order to save my life and that of my loving husband and children. I cut them off again, this time without a letter. Best thing I ever did. And very recently, these articles have given me strength to cut my entire family of origin off, permanently. Like Jesus said, a good tree cannot bring forth bitter fruit, and a bitter tree cannot bring forth good fruit. Patrick is right about the flying monkeys and what he said in another article: “a half safe person is not safe”. We each deserve to feel safe and loved and valued. It’s important to do whatever it takes to get to a safe place & stay there.
thank you for this amazing article! I feel so seen and validated. my father was emotionally and physically abusive throughout my childhood. I remembered being beaten because I can’t fall asleep and got slap in the face when he “discipline” me. despite all the violence, I never really realized what’s going on. the last straw came when I graduated from college and didn’t want to choose the career he approve of. he threatened me that if I don’t take the job he will hit me on my face, and as I run into my room, he yelled and bang on my door, told me to get the fuck out. I was completely wrecked since then. the idea that as an adult I am still in this demeaning situation brought up so much shame. I got nightmare every time he call or text me. every time I see him, my body automatically get anxious and alert as if I encountered a bear. sometimes I don’t have the strength to get out of the bed. I end up blocking his number completely. these was completely unacceptable to my mother. She accused me of being ungrateful because my father worked very hard to provide a life for us. and since my grandfather used to hit his children, she thinks it’s normal and I was the one overreacting. I grew up in a Asian country. my parents always told me, “nobody outside our family will love you, you can only count on us”. and they expect me to take care of them when they got old because “no matter what we are your parents”, and it’s against the law if I don’t. I thought about suicide every day. I feel like my whole life is being highjacked, and I am stuck with disgusting people could never live my true life.
Patrick I love your articles keep them coming. I went no contact 4 years ago and I think it’s important for you to tell everyone to prepare for a backlash. Toxic families do not like boundaries or losing control and they’re going to try everything that worked on you in the past to get you to fall back into line. For example guilting, passive aggressive conversation, shunning, blaming, flipping the script Etc. They also can say some pretty awful things behind your back. I was not prepared for this backlash, I really thought everyone would understand after I sent a letter. And it’s even worse if you have a family that’s all about appearances. Thanks again for this wonderful article I draw a lot from them and it’s nice to know we’re not alone.
Thank you for disclosing that you have personal experience with a toxic family and had to do a cut-off yourself. I’m a therapist and I do disclose to my clients that I have been through this, but I always feel a little conflicted when I do because of the training I received and the general taboo from the profession to not disclose personal information. But having been through so much, and having so much personal experience with my own abusive family, and having had to go through the process of healing, I believe, makes me a better therapist and allows me to help people heal. I have colleagues who don’t know anything about narcissistic abuse or family systems. Masters level, and even doctoral programs, don’t have this type of training- it’s not mainstream by any means. So thankful for Youtube and all the great therapists out there who are sharing this information and elaborating on this subject. I feel validated that I’m on the right track.
Cutting off my family was the greatest thing I could have done for myself. It was not easy, and they tried to guilt trip me for it. In a year’s time I was finally able to start healing. It has been 3 years now and I am still healing and getting better everyday. This article was a nice reminder of how far I have come. An immense weight was lifted from my shoulders and being able to have a comfortable life without judgement is so worth the struggle of the escape.
I just came across this article. I’ve come to a breaking point with my parents. They’ve hurt me for the last time and I know I should have seen it coming. I’ve been cycling through that pattern and I know that I need to escape. I want to do this but I’m so scared and it hurts so much to leave behind my depressed mother. She can’t be helped by me and she is completely controlled by my dad, but I don’t know how to accept that and walk away. I will be discussing this with my therapist this week, but this article finally made me realize what I need to do. And I KNOW that it’s what’s best for me. It just hurts.
This is a wonderful article. I managed a cut off from my parents seventeen yrs ago before I even knew it was a healthy option. I just knew I couldn’t do it anymore. My children were babies at the time and I knew I needed to stop the abuse for them and me. Over the years I have done therapy off and on. I had healed so much that my childhood was left further and further behind. I do not resemble the young adult I used to be. I have grown that much. Last year my grandmother died, whom I had maintained contact with. At the funeral I saw and spoke to my parents for the first time in decades. Many emotions were brought back to the surface which I am dealing with however, one thing was made abundantly clear; I made the right choice. The cycle of abuse ended because I was willing to walk away even it meant being alone. Every year the pain gets better, trust me. Anyone who is facing this decision, know that you are not alone. You deserve unconditional love. Love yourself enough to walk away.
I needed this right now. I didn’t tell them this time. This time was super different and I was done. I am mourning them though. Both my daughter, age 12, and I are. Funny, she cut them all off long before I did and I hear them saying saying things like it’s me telling her to, etc. I don’t know why they think kids are stupid, most of the time they are smarter than us. At least my daughter was.
First of all, thank you so much for your articles, it’s kind of like have 24-hour access to a therapist. I did a less formal version of a family cut-off about 8 years ago, after my mother’s memorial service. I decided I was done being manipulated and constantly having to earn my family’s love and acceptance. I had moved across the state, so I just decided to stop making travel plans to visit them. No explanations, I just stopped showing up for holidays, etc and started spending much more enjoyable, less stressful time with my own chosen family and friends. I am still healing, but can now see things much more clearly than I ever have before. The more I learn about trauma and CPTSD, the more things make sense in my own life, and the better able I am to make healthy life choices. Thanks again!
Everything you said is spot-on. My narc parents will repetitively mention their narc golden child (not me, my narc sis) in front of me almost every day. It’s to the point that I hate returning home every day after work, because those 2 narc are living in my house. They will sweetly ask me “How are you doing?” only when they need to exploit me to do something for them. When I don’t do what they want, they will talk trash for hours, if not days. Once, they even cursed me to die, for settings boundaries & not enabling their narc favorite daughter anymore. I was like… wtf… For about 9 months, I didn’t talk to 1 narc parent & minimal talk to the other one. Man, I find my power back =)
I was a victim of SA….and told it was my responsibility to protect the abuser and the family. I also was raised with the males chanting, A woman, a dog and a walnut tree…the more you beat them, the better they be. I learned how to box and fight back….I became the evil one in their eyes for standing up and saying IT ENDS NOW! It took me until my teen years to get there…I eventually walked away from some family and NEVER looked back.
Wow, thank you for this. I’ve been cut off from my family for a couple years now and while I know I feel better being away from them, other people, including my spouse don’t understand. I feel guilty, but I also know it’s the right thing for me. It’s hard. So thank you for reiterating all the reasons why and how this can be a healthy choice.
A very good description of a toxic family, and what to expect from them. My ex-family has all these ugly traits, so imagine how painful it has been. Best thing I’ve ever done is to cut-off any contact Now I am learning and treating myself, psychologists did not help me a thing. I live in Spain, here psichologists are decades in the past, and society doesn’t like to admit the abuse inside the family. It is a taboo. Nobady like to hear from the victim, it is so unpleasant for them, becouse it arise questions like, why you make it posible to happen? Are you an abuser as well? Etc. Regarding to sending a note to them. When you know the real true, and you can reach a high level of awareness, you see that you were for them only a object, not very different from an appliance, they never loved you. So why you will spend a second to do that, they will be happy because they want a reaction from you, no matter what reaction. Remember they never loved you! I invest my time on people who love me or don’t want to betray me. I have no time for my ex-family, I wish nothing to them, they are extrangers. This is my time!
I went no contact 15 months ago. I’ll try to keep this short-ish. First I want to say how grateful I am that I stumbled upon your website. Therapy absolutely terrifies me. I’m understanding how being raised by a narcissist mother, who repeatedly told me to ‘dry it up’ after I would cry when she had an episode of anger/rage, has affected me my adult life. I’ve been unable to express emotion in front of people that I am not 100% comfortable with (that list is short) When people cry in front of me I panic and get really awkward. Before I could ever speak openly about this, I had to first understand my emotions, and discover myself. I’m now at a point of my healing where I’m comfortable to publicly speak on this. I grew up in a home with a Mother who had a severe case of agoraphobia, panic attacks, and narcissism! Her agoraphobia was so extreme, she DID NOT LEAVE the house! I’m not kidding! She did not leave the house for my entire childhood, up until my early twenties. I’m the 2nd of 6 siblings whom I have no relationship with. Of those siblings…. one has been to prison and is out on parole. Another is currently in jail, awaiting his sentencing and will be headed back to prison. Another is a child abuser and everyone in the family wanted to turn a blind eye. Another, keeps to themselves, don’t know much about her. And the other one, actually has a degree, but never achieved her dream of law school. Mom pitted us against each other our whole life. Now she is working on the grandkids.
I did a family cutoff over five years ago, almost exactly the way you prescribed, knowing full well they would not understand and that our issues would probably never be resolved. The almost collective response, especially from my father and brothers, was “we do not deserve this”. My mother never responded. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done and spent close to a year in therapy specifically preparing. Since then I continue to be validated and have gained clarity and peace. My marriage and friendships have flourished. I have confidence I never had and have excelled in my professional life. My sister who is much younger than me did reach out merely saying she missed me and loves me – that is all I ever wanted to hear. We are now closer than we have ever been and are able to support one another with love and without judgment. I do encounter the occasional shock or disbelief from others that do not believe I could “reject” my family, but I now know how to make better relationship choices and surround myself with others that uplift me and allow me to reciprocate. Thank you so much for all of your work here. I am positive that this can help so many that do not understand their constant pain and insecurity.
Validating! I didn’t feel a need to explain my decision to separate and reduce contact, and no one has asked. They just know from an email I sent that there were issues between my parents and me that were at an impasse and I took the separation I needed. None of my siblings missed me or care. That was a piece to add to my grieving but also important information to have awareness of. Relationships are merely transactions in my family of origin, and now I’m free to devote myself to relationships that are more whole and mutually nourishing.
I realised that healthy boundaries was simply not an option between me and my narc mother. As a narc grandmother now I realised I had to protect my kids from her. Hands down the biggest and hardest decision I’ve ever made to go no contact. She has positioned herself as centre of the family so my relationships with extended family have also been severed. Despite this, I feel like such a weight lifted when I made the decision about 3 years ago now. It continues to be the healthiest option for me, I’ve healed alcohol addiction and generally am becoming the best version of myself. I couldn’t have done that entangled in her web.
I just cut off my whole family it was hard for me cause I didn’t want to feel as if I’m alone but I just had to do it, I used to be a rebel child most of it was from acting up from being sexually abused and my mom not caring, but once I became an adult I started to be responsible, I got married and have NEVER asked for any help so I think I’m doing pretty good for myself, but my family for some reason still hate me, and I have no idea why, I haven’t acted out since I was a teen and now I’m almost in my 30s happily married with 2 children, I honestly have no idea what their problem is, and what hurts me the most is my mom lets it happen, she has never stood up for me and most likely never will.
This describes my mother and my two sisters .. I’m so blessed that I saw the truth… my mom and sisters have attacked threatened my career in nursing my boyfriends, my ministry my son, everything I love. And I never learn and it just gets worse they have stolen from me. And that’s the least they r trying to destroy me I came today to the sense that enough is enough at age 43
I do not know how the YouTube Algorithm brought me here….. but oh my God, I’m glad that it did! Living with my family is like being forced to live on an island surrounded by fog where nobody is there to help you (let alone listen) This article (and your website) has single-handedly saved my life! Keep up the great work, Patrick! A lot of us out there need this!
Ohmygod this is so me! I became so good at forgetting all of the mental and emotional abuses hurled at me since I was born, that it actually influenced my personality and became a huge problem as far as focus and memory for me! I appeared to be an air-head while actually being the smartest person on the room more times than not. I was a “professional optimist” while being FULL of such intense anxiety that I spent decades allowing myself to be controlled and handicapped by it. Just recently had to cut off from the only (close-ish) family member I had left, bc it simply was not worth it any more. Makes me sad bc I love him- my brother- so much, and I know he loves me, but he still sees me thru the lens our mom created for him. Came from the same mold. I’ve never heard the term “not being seen” before. I just knew there was a total disconnect. I’d rather get sad once in a while than have to bend over backwards to “rise above” the bs only to be fuming after every visit. Done.
My cut off letter was 4 pages. And I sent copies to all my siblings for when the person I cut off started bashing me. Worked like a charm. She called all 3 and tried twisting it but they had hard copies and referenced her back to page 3 what I actually said. I went into therapy again. Gained even more skills and healthier friendships. It is helpful to back up and address it yourself as they won’t. You cannot fix anyone but yourself.
I was bred for pain and suffering, and believe me when I say yours is the most real. I survived multiple combat deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan in the USMC infantry as well brute-forcing my way through schizoaffective disorder (shizo + bipolar) and anti-social personality disorder. It’s taken me years of sitting alone in my dark 1 bedroom project housing with nothing but my war stories, demons, and addictions as company to realize that this was preferential to giving away one more iota of myself to “my family” (not sure I had anything left in the tank though tbh). I used to think I was being loyal and a good brother/son. Then I had years of suppressed rage and resentment. Now in retrospect it almost seems comical, even unbelievable what I’ve endured. I honestly don’t regret giving all of myself to them. It did send me down a path of ultimate self-destruction, it made me crave living life on nightmare mode, and it made me take pride in my vulnerability and capabilities as the black sheep. But it also provided me with unique insights into the human condition, incredible levels of grit, and the opportunity to rebuild myself from nothing. I’ll still catch myself on occasion feeling guilty and weak that I couldn’t “convince them”, be what they needed, or heal them properly. But that’s the thing, they never wanted to be convinced in the first place. Deep down and unconsciously they’ve always known how much I sacrificed for them. And what scared them the most wasn’t that they’d have to be vulnerable to my anger for everything they’d done.
Looking back I am grateful for All the people I met along my journey in life. I was able to witness what a positive family atmosphere looked like.. My choices in life were often a reflection of my childhood.. always wanting to please others to feel accepted. As I get older i see that many have had the same experience. Manipulation, flying monkeys,coersion and blatant lies (twisted words) were all a part of the journey.. Money is truly a root of all evil..You see people’s true colors. Looking at those who were cruel I see them getting their Karma.. Its sad as I dont wish harm on others. We need to appreciate and respect the differences and desires of others as long as they are not causing harm or being malicious to another being.. Listening to these articles is healing.. Praying for others to understand and finding their peace 🙏
Thank you for talking about this! I stopped contact with my family four years ago, and while it has been hard in the sense that I feel guilty and miss my little brother and my home, it’s also been the first time I’ve felt free since I was very young. I got lucky being able to get away and stay away physically. I have lingering issues and a huge amount of debt, but it’s worth it to me to make my own choices and not be afraid all the time.
It took me years of going back and forth, feeling guilty and blaming myself before I was able to cut off two immediate family member but when I did, I severed the tie permanently without any explanation. I’d already spent years trying to appease and “fix” them and our relationship. They knew how I felt so I didn’t see a point or purpose in making a declaration of it. I simply stopped responding to them and blocked them out of my life. I’ve never felt happier, more confident and at peace since they were excised out of my life. If you’re hesitating, this article is very helpful. Do yourself a favour and save yourself from people that will not only EVER contribute anything positive to your life but may be destroying it. Their only privilege is that they’re related to you. They don’t deserve the privilege of being in your life if they haven’t earned it!
I spent the entirety of my young life crushed under the weight of my childhood, the toxicity of my family dynamics and the abuse I regularly suffered. I left home at 14 but kept in contact with my family. It wasn’t until I was 28 that I cut all ties. 15 years later I have two degrees, a senior job at a major corporation and more money than I thought I’d make in my lifetime. Taking full ownership of my self gave me the space I needed to explore my potential. If you’re family is truly holding you back, LEAVE.
I’ve never did a formal cut off from my family but having boundaries with my family has effectively cut them off. They don’t want to have much to do with me. They think I am “no fun” because I calmly end conversations when my family speak badly about me or any one else. Once that became established, they don’t invite me any more because they consider me a stick in the mud. I’ve always been boring because I don’t drink and don’t spend time with my family if alcohol is involved so they don’t invite me. My family never contacts me and therefore I rarely contact them. It’s unsatisfying and leaves me feeling empty but because they don’t engage in ways that are destructive any more, a cut off of course is unnecessary.
I felt so validated by this article. I’ve been feeling like I need to go no contact with 1-2 family members after an event, where the narcissistic person blamed me for her actions and my alcoholic parent’s actions. Another enabler cornered me as I tried to set boundaries by removing myself and my belongings, to which the narc feigned they were going to have a heart attack… and you know whose fault it would be… mine. I’ve been wrestling with knowing what I need to do to take care of myself by not exposing myself to these people, and feeling like I’m the problem and I should just get over it. I’m currently living with another enabler/caregiver for the narc. When I told her I was traumatized by that event she just stared at me confused. I know I need to find somewhere else to stay, then really distance myself from these people. I tell ya though, this part of the process is exhausting and somewhat daunting.
It’s been a week since I’ve cut off my mother and her flying monkeys. Leaving without warning was terrifying, but it was the best decision I’ve made in my life. I haven’t felt depressed or suicidal since I left and I finally found happiness again. And now that I’m in a safe environment, the more I’m able to heal. If you ever need to do a cutoff, just remember that it is completely okay to do. If people get mad at you for escaping the toxicity, that just shows that they’re toxic themselves. Hang in there, and just remember that you’re important
Thank you so much for your articles! I didn’t realize I had a narcissistic family before I found this website. I simply was ignorant of narcissistic behavior and “scapegoats.” I had no idea the abuse I experienced had an actual name 😂 this website has been so helpful and informative. Your content was so spot on that I thought you knew my family specifically lol 😅 I’m a 30 yo man who just did the “cut off” and it is EMPOWERING!anyone perusal this please take care of yourself ❤
It definitely resonated. I cut off my family, everyone, 4 years ago. My sister started reaching out to me about a year ago, and I finally did give in to reconnecting with my mom, but I’m sorry I did. She hasn’t changed, none of my family has. They’ve gotten only worse. It’s lonely and isolating at times to not have a family, but at least I have been able to heal since being apart and I am mentally and emotionally far far better than I was when I was in relationship. I will keep away moving forward and I’m sure they will get why. They can point the finger at me and accuse me all they want, but I know I’m healthier without them in my life. For sure 💯
I’m 30 years old and only just finally cut off my parents from myself and my young son. They have caused me a lifetime of issues I will never be able to get rid of. I tried, due to guilt, just create boundaries and keep them involved. But those boundaries were never respected and nothing ever changed or got better. I finally am accepting the PTSD and trauma and abuse that I went through and am taking the proper steps. My fiancé is Moroccan and didn’t understand why I was cutting them off- cultural differences. They would never be this abusive to eachother in their family, so he couldn’t understand why I was doing this. He’s starting to now after about 9 months of explaining examples to him. It’s just different.
“…rather than try to battle people who are committed to misunderstanding you….” When I realized this truth in my own life, it was a game changer. The “hook” of trying so hard to explain myself, justify my choices, and be understood and respected was removed and A LOT shifted within me resulting in a major shift in my outward experience. In the realization I did not HAVE to be understood or “approved” of, that I did not need their validation bc I’m a grown ass woman who can validate myself was !!!!
It really is the hardest thing. Especially around the holidays. But abuse is abuse. Already put up with it way too long for my family. But I wouldn’t put up with it from anyone else. So I’m done giving my family a free pass to constantly hurt me. Anyone who wants to treat me like that was never “family” to begin with. They were just people who shared the same bloodline . Blood is only thicker than water Until the water gets turned into wine. So sick of the, “but they’re your family” excuse.
Thank you so much for this article. I’m 60. I wish a article like this had been available when I went off to college at age 18 or when I returned home to be a caregiver to elderly parents and a grandmother. I wish I had done a cutoff 40 years ago. I would be married now with children and grandchildren. There can be a lot of jealousy and desire to control in families. It wasn’t until a cousin told me that she believed, based on the things I told her that happened to me, that my mother was jealous of me. In college I had to be back in my room at 11pm to receive call from my mother. My mother even had me give her my friend’s phone numbers so she could call them if I didn’t answer my phone. If I spoke about any challenges at school, the first thing she would say was, “why don’t you come home, that school is too hard for you.” Fortunately I did not and graduated. The control worsened over the years to the extent that I was only accepted as some type of 10year old but never as an adult. Other family members indulged my mother so it was really hard to talk to another family member about what was happening and I didn’t really understand it myself. If I had understood more things, like the things talked about in this article, I would have done a cutoff years ago and would have felt the ton of bricks on my life lift off. I hope others find the courage to do a cutoff so that they can enjoy the younger years of their life.
Thank you for this article ❤️ I chose myself. I often wonder if they missed me at all when I moved half way across the map but they probably didn’t. I used to be mad at God that my family was such a mirage but now I am grateful how peaceful it is. Blood or not, If someone repeatedly hurts you, walk away! It’s about them not you ❤️
My mother and sister are both toxic narcissists. Cutting them off freed me. My sister was a bully full of misdirected envy and spite towards me, and my mothers preferred weapon is the classic guilt trip/stepping over boundaries. Moving away from my hometown and starting my own career/life made them resent me more. My mother has said hurtful things to me or made me feel ashamed in front of my partner. The shamelessness of her behavior in front of him is what finally made me realize how unacceptable the behavior has become. It was embarrassing. I played the optimist too, hoping her behavior would change, but now I’ve reached a point of no return where I can’t really envision either of them at my wedding, or playing a large part in my adult life anymore. I wish for their healing, but I need to prioritize my own.
I didn’t watch this before I did my cut off, I did explain myself and express the depression I have had my whole life. I got nothing back. Which was reassurance that I am doing the right thing and that she does not care about me. It breaks my heart, and I am in a grief state lately. I had a dream that I was sitting on my parents porch, refusing to go inside, but also refusing to leave the front door. Inside they were laughing about how I always come back. I love them so much, and all I wanted was a great relationship with them. I accept that it is not possible. I have been codependent on my parents, although I know that I can be empowered, and I will encourage myself. I am not going to put my worth in my family’s hands. I am love. I am healthy. I am taking action on my own. I am happy that I am independent. I am getting to know my inner child.
I haven’t written a letter yet but am contemplating doing so. I had an interaction with my mom almost 2 weeks ago that should have been something simple, but she blew it up, got defensive and angry after I politely asked her not to call me a name. It was a reminder to me of how I know she’ll never change her attitude towards me. She shows other people a totally different side of herself.
We should never doubt our sovereignty as our wisdom always guides us. I wrote a text to my mom explaining how I would love for her to be apart of my life and know more about me but because of her past behavior, such as using what I tell her about me as ammunition, judging, criticizing, or by dismissing my struggle and making it about her and how her struggle is / was harder. I explained that I need to her to validate my feelings and experience, and I even gave her examples of how that looks like. I ended the text by asking her what does she need from me that I’m not doing for her to feel safe and comfortable with me. It took a lot out of me to write that because I knew that she would most likely dismiss me but I was really hoping that just maybe this would help. Well, she ended up totally ignoring everything I said, and only responding with “I just want you to be happy” and then followed it up with a question that had absolutely nothing to do with the conversation. I don’t think she knows how deeply she wounded me at that moment. Ever since then, this was like 3 months ago, I decided I was going to go no contact. So I’m excited about august 6th because your guidance couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. My therapist was unable to help me and my friends understand the situation but of course non of them have gone through such a situation. So I really hope that at your webinar I’ll learn practical ways on healing and will have a support system.
Thank you for the super helpful articles!!!!! Damn, if I ever say or write them a cut off they’ll rage on me nonstop, accuse me of killing them and do God knows what. I’m so afraid of doing that. The first time I went out of my fam system I got calls all day saying how bad I was for not reporting and calling them all nights. One time I was out with friends at around 10pm and I got a call in the middle of it (everyone eating and chatting in the restaurant) and they yelled at me to cut the thing off and return home right at that instant! Everyone heard and it was so embarrassing. I got into so many, many awful fights over the phone and every time I visited there was violent drama when I left again. I had to go back “home” years after for fam and $$$ problems, and now I’m saving to get out! My plan will be to just go as far away as I can and ignore them as much as I can, with the excuse of being in another country :S I hope that helps.
This has been one of the most healing things I’ve ever come across. It describes my experience with my family to a tee. It also helps me feel some sort of closure with how I ultimately had to cut most of my family out of my life a year ago. It’s been incredibly hard not to fall into that pattern you described of letting them back into my life only to be disappointed and hurt again. This gives me the confidence to to know that I’ve done what’s best for me and that’s all that matters. It’s helped me find some strength to keep holding my ground and maintaining my boundaries. Thank you so much!
My dad’s sisters blame me for him going to prison, he was a pedophile. My sister blames me for not having a dad and doesn’t believe it happened, not my fault he did what he did. When I get around my step mom and step brother they’re always slightly disrespectful towards and of course it’s always my fault. I stopped trying to make it work with them, they will always see me as the black sheep of the family. I feel much freer now
Currently in the process of removing myself financially from the hold of the person I need to cut off. It is extremely difficult, but your articles really have helped me over the years. You inspire me to take these steps and remind me that what I wish for is not dramatic or selfish. I gave them ample time and opportunity to try to reconcile, but nothing has changed, therefore I’m done. I grieve for the loss of a relationship I never had, but I know I’ll be stronger once this is done. Thank you.
One of my family members cut us off for over 2 years for being “toxic”. Of course, we were devastated. Over time, we went through the stages of grief, often repeating stages that we thought we’d resolved. When he announced that he was ready to begin communicating again, we got together, described the pain that he’d put each of us through and came to a decision. We let him know in the gentlest of terms that we weren’t interested because he’d shown what he was capable of and that he needed to continue “thriving” without us. “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” – Maya Angelou Together, the family is healing from this and we’ve never been closer.
I wish I had’ve watched this 2 years ago! I kept re-writing ‘the letter’ but the anxiety would start every time I did (heart racing, sweaty hands and overly emotional thoughts/feelings). And so, many a letter has been written and not sent as I always say too much and go off track. You are so right to keep it simple! Perhaps I could send a short one now because the guilt & weakness I feel for ghosting them is only keeping me stuck. They don’t try to communicate with me anyway … The scapegoat theme is much more typical of my family. They spread the word I am selfishly living life without them to make me look bad and for people to pity them and not me. But now I realise these themes are all part of their perpetual dramas/soap operas that they think is normal as it is normal to them. Its been heartbreaking to realise I have never been loved for my authentic self but rather a character in their drama. But once the grieving subsides, it is soooo liberating and I realise it is me who needs to love me authentically as other people may love their personal perception of me, but only I know me and can truly love me for the completely unique person that I am 💖🌍🙏🕊️✨
I have grown up in this family situation. I have done a cut off. I have to tell you that it feels a lot like withdrawal. I literally find myself craving the negative attention bc let’s face it when a person is alienated and pegged as scapegoat there is a tremendous amount of burden to live up to very high familial standards ( meant to be the responsibility of parent). Exhausted, alone, outcast, burden, runt of the litter. Too this too that. Knit picked to the point of a barely beating spirit. I think that you get it. I am a month in to this healthier mindset and lifestyle and I sometimes feel so lost. Wary of everyone…like who do I trust? Overthinking etc.
I moved away from my toxic family when I was freshly 19 and left my little brother with them. It been almost a year and I still feel like it’s my fault. Everytime I try to have a conversation or even a relationship with them they either don’t respond to my text messages or when I call they just say they are busy. When they do want a conversation they are always telling me to do better. They know nothing about me and it’s sad. I break my own heart by trying to talk to them but I know they will never respond.
THANK YOU❤️❤️❤️ You have articulated everything that’s been going on with me. I made a courageous and spontaneous decision to severe ties from my parents after another unexpected but unsurprising altercation. I finally feel understood and justified. Best decision in my life! I have finally experienced more freedom and peace and more healing has occurred as a result.
I just wrote my letter to a parent and I feel so empowered. I have the love and support from my spouse and other family members. I have tried and thought things would change but I have learned so much about my family’s dynamic from these articles that I feel empowered to move on. I am no longer a child just trying to survive, I have built a happy life away from that mess. Thank you
My lightbulb moment was when I had an accident 5 years ago. It wasn’t immediately obvious when I first arrived at hospital, but I was seriously hurt, and had internal bleeding. After being told they were going to have to transfer me to another hospital that was better equipped because I might need surgery, I rang my parents to tell them. I was being naive but their response was still a shock. My father didn’t give a solitary shit, and my mother just said a lot of pleasant nothings. Neither of them visited me in the ER. When I brought this up over the next few years, I was told “Oh no, you’re not bringing that up again”, various excuses and other horseshit. It’s been a bit over a year since I’ve cut them off. I’m trying to let go of all the anger and resentment. The two people I was supposed to be able to trust the most lied to my face from the time I was an infant. It’s natural to feel angry, but I’m trying to let go of it, it’s too unhealthy to hang onto it. I’m trying to move on and live a happier life. This cycle ends with me.
Wow. I really related to this. I have been able to change the pattern and cut off my family. It took my dad’s death 10 years ago to finally understand the unhealthy dynamic between my toxic mother and brother. Both are covert narcissists with codependency and addiction issues. I tended to be neglected and disregarded most of my childhood and young adulthood. I know my family doesn’t understand and it is painful to cut them off but boundaries and my well being are more important to me than staying in a dysfunctional role. I just cannot and will not tolerate the abuse. Excellent breakdown. 👍🏻
I cut off my mom, older brothers and sister because of their manipulative ways. It was a track record of things from where I’m supposed to live, what job I take to me not having any friends to be around, etc. Even my older brothers wouldn’t let me speak, constantly cutting me off and it was affecting my health. I had to basically go on without all of these people to protect my safety.
I’m currently struggling with this decision. Thank you very much for uploading this valuable information. 🙂 I’m like you–I can’t quite ~believe~, despite ~knowing~ first-hand that a member of my family is toxic. I think the word “toxic” itself has something to do with it, seeing as how it, in my own mind, comes across as something “vile” and “sickening”. Either way, I definitely am there with you, and also looking forward to healing as you have, and not beating up on myself so much for it seeming to take so dang long!
So glad to come across these articles…I finally found my voice right before I gave birth to my 2nd child. I tried to confront my parents via phone and they shamed, blamed and criticized me per usual instead of admitting their portion in the issue. That was the truth I needed to see – that they couldn’t say anything good about me. I simply told them not to contact us in any way. Unfortunately, family members I hadn’t heard from in years then came out of nowhere asking if I had my baby yet, no doubt sent from my family. It’s been almost a year and I felt a visible pressure off my heart after I cut them off and have truly excelled since! Totally worth it – I have also kept record of all the mail they’ve tried to send that we have refused in case I need it legally. I wish I had known I could emancipate myself as a child, but it seems like a long, drawn out process. It’s a bummer that you kind of lose everyone else in the family in the process, but at the end of the day, all you have is you, and you can choose your friends.
How refreshing to hear someone say something other than the tired old trope of forgiveness, I get so tired of that. I don’t face pressure from society now that I am in my 40s, but there was a time! And for anyone concerned about the stress of a letter, you can always try it my way, just walk away, no explanation needed. I am convinced that if I had not walked away, my health would have deteriorated – my mental health was seriously impacting my physical health. Good luck to you all.
Thanks for another great article. I’ve tried really hard to make things work with my family but my father’s narcissism and my mom’s alcoholism has just made it impossible so I had to cut the last ties with them recently. It really sucks but at the same time it’s been freeing to not have the constant abuse cycle pulling me back down as soon as I start pulling myself back up.