WebMD provides a list of 22 expert-informed signs of an unhealthy marriage, including the lack of connection and emotional instability. These signs can lead to developmental transitions and help manage the relationship. To restore an unhealthy marriage, it is essential to seek help early, as the average couple waits six years before seeking help for relationship problems.
A healthy relationship should be based on equality, respect, and trust, and should not be toxic. If your marriage is damaged and you are hurting, there are seven ideas to take control of the situation and find your way back to a happy and healthy relationship.
Fixing an unhappy marriage is a difficult and forward-aspiring effort, but it can sometimes feel like a lesson in futility. When moods and behaviors tell you that you are not liked or loved, your physical and mental health will be affected. Recognizing and acknowledging your own feelings, behaviors, reactions, and choices can help you zero in on the gray scale.
To be happy in an unhappy marriage, take a long hard look at your marriage, establish how much you are to blame, treat your spouse as your best friend, and remember that you are on the same team. Fight in private, praise in public, and try to be conscious of your feelings, behaviors, reactions, and choices.
Repentance, apologizing, and forgiveness are essential steps to being happy in an unhappy marriage. The first step is to become conscious and commit to repairing the damage. However, staying in an unhappy marriage may breed feelings of insecurity, resentment, or despair, which may lead to arguments more frequently.
In summary, understanding the signs of an unhealthy marriage and taking steps to repair the damage is crucial for maintaining a happy and healthy relationship.
| Article | Description | Site |
|---|---|---|
| How To Survive An Unhealthy Marriage While Working To … | Recognizing and acknowledging your own feelings, behaviors, reactions, and choices will help you zero in on that gray scale. Are you unhappy? | drkarenfinn.com |
| What To Do When You Can’t Leave An Unhappy Marriage | Often, couples who feel they can’t leave an unhappy marriage have terrible fights. … ” What tends to get misunderstood is that arguing is normal in … | life-care-wellness.com |
| How to Survive in An Unhappy Marriage | Staying in an unhappy marriage is a very personal decision. And as long as the marriage isn’t abusive and partners are reasonably respectful of … | psychcentral.com |
📹 The difference between healthy and unhealthy love Katie Hood TED
In a talk about understanding and practicing the art of healthy relationships, Katie Hood reveals the five signs you might be in an …
Can An Unhealthy Marriage Be Saved?
Salvaging a troubled marriage can be possible, but it necessitates active participation from both partners. Acknowledging deeper individual issues is paramount, particularly when one partner expresses hostility. While considerable effort is needed to transform a toxic relationship, if a couple resolves to save their marriage, the endeavor can be worthwhile. Before deciding on divorce, partners should reflect on various factors impacting their union, such as financial struggles, health issues, family conflicts, and parenting challenges. Addressing these concerns through counseling and support can create opportunities for healing in the relationship.
However, recognizing when a marriage cannot be saved is essential. Indicators include continual conflict, poor communication, emotional or physical abuse, and unresponsive counseling attempts. Persistent negativity within the relationship can signal a potentially irreversible situation. Significant deal-breakers like infidelity, neglect, and domination may also exceed the point of reconciliation.
While navigating unhappiness in a marriage can induce stress, support and guidance are crucial regardless of the decision to stay together or separate. If the choice is made to salvage the marriage, both partners must candidly communicate, genuinely empathize with each other’s feelings, and be willing to apologize where necessary. Ultimately, toxic marriages can heal and evolve into healthy partnerships, provided both spouses are committed to the transformation process.
What Is The Walk Away Wife Syndrome?
Walkaway Wife Syndrome describes a phenomenon where a woman, feeling emotionally disconnected and dissatisfied after years of neglect and resentment, abruptly leaves her marriage, often taking her husband by surprise. This syndrome, also known as Neglected Wife Syndrome or Sudden Divorce Syndrome, reflects a situation where a wife concludes she can no longer endure an unfulfilling relationship. The discontent accumulates over time, leading to feelings of being unheard and unappreciated.
In many cases, husbands may not recognize the signs until it’s too late, resulting in confusion and questions about what went wrong. Women may ultimately feel that other commitments overshadow the marriage, diminishing their emotional investment. This syndrome highlights the need for open communication and quality time in a relationship, as neglect can lead to decreased intimacy and further emotional detachment. Recognizing the symptoms of this syndrome can be pivotal in addressing underlying issues before reaching a point of no return.
It's essential for couples to foster healthy relationships to prevent such disconnects, as walkaway wives usually don’t make this choice lightly. Instead, their departure often underscores years of unaddressed grievances and emotional isolation. Understanding Walkaway Wife Syndrome can aid in identifying and mitigating risks within marriages.
What Is The Walkaway Wife Syndrome?
Walkaway Wife Syndrome is a phenomenon where women, feeling increasingly frustrated and unfulfilled in their marriages, eventually decide to leave, often without warning. This syndrome, sometimes referred to as Neglected Wife Syndrome or Sudden Divorce Syndrome, typically arises after years of emotional detachment and ineffective communication between partners. The cycle of neglect leads women to feel unheard and unloved, causing them to seek an exit from the relationship.
Signs of this syndrome may include a growing sense of isolation and resentment, as their emotional needs go unmet. When men fail to recognize how their wives feel loved and do not invest quality time into the marriage, it can further exacerbate the situation, leading to diminished intimacy and connection. The disillusionment builds until the wife feels compelled to make the drastic decision to walk away. Walkaway Wife Syndrome emphasizes the importance of communication and emotional connection in relationships; without these, marriages can suffer irreparably.
While it is not a clinical diagnosis, understanding this syndrome can help couples identify and address issues before they escalate to the point of separation. Awareness of these dynamics can aid in fostering healthier marital relationships, preventing the painful consequences of a partner’s departure.
How To Know When A Marriage Is Beyond Repair?
Real trouble in a relationship manifests through various signs, indicating it may be beyond repair. Key indicators include a lack of emotional connection, consistent communication breakdowns, and aggressive interactions. Physical intimacy diminishes, trust erodes, and fantasizing about others becomes common. Partners stop supporting each other and may have diverging goals and visions for the future. The absence of the initial spark and feelings of happiness, along with intimacy, can signal that a marriage is failing.
Warning signs further include feelings of fear, loneliness, or discontent within the relationship. If one or both partners feel relief when separated, it may indicate the relationship has reached a critical point. Stages of a declining marriage might include drifting apart, communication issues, growing doubt, and lack of intimacy. Ultimately, both individuals must assess whether they believe their relationship can be salvaged amidst abuse and a profound absence of respect.
Recognizing and addressing these signs is essential to determine if it’s time to seek help or to move on from the partnership for both parties' well-being. Whether it's a breakdown in communication or an inability to envision a shared future, these factors are significant markers of a relationship in crisis.
When To Walk Away From A Marriage?
A toxic relationship often leads to the end of a marriage, especially when one partner loses respect for the other. Signs that a marriage may be over include a sense of emotional disconnection, lack of communication, irreconcilable differences, and a feeling of living with a roommate instead of a spouse. If you're feeling depressed, hurt, or disillusioned, it may be time to consider ending the marriage. Before making any decisions, it’s important to communicate concerns with your partner and assess whether the relationship can be salvaged.
Financial organization is crucial if you decide to leave. Recognizing the signs of an unhealthy relationship is essential, such as enduring abuse, infidelity, and ongoing criticism. Walking away can be empowering, but it’s challenging if you hope to invoke your partner's pursuit for reconciliation. Indicators to consider include prolonged disconnection, lack of affection, disrespect from your partner, and diminished trust.
Ultimately, it’s vital to prioritize one’s own well-being and acknowledge when a relationship is no longer serving you, particularly in cases of abuse or danger. If circumstances are dire, safety should always come first.
How To Repair A Damaged Marriage?
To fix a broken marriage, it requires commitment, effort, and healing. Trustworthiness is key—demonstrate reliability and value the small moments in your relationship. Focus on personal well-being, ensuring you engage in activities that make you happy. Adhere to a positive communication ratio of 5:1, and create a "Love Map" to understand each other better. Use a "soft startup" when discussing issues, and approach conversations without criticism or contempt.
Identifying mutual disagreements is crucial, and don’t hold your partner accountable for uncommunicated expectations rooted in their upbringing. Professional counseling is vital for open, honest communication and rebuilding trust. Acknowledge past hurts with honesty, set clear marital guidelines, and foster emotional connection through shared joy. Dedicate time daily for undistracted conversations, reinforcing your bond beyond intimacy. Regular dates are beneficial for reconnecting.
Rebuilding takes time and effort—acknowledge your roles and commit to improvement together. Address your feelings, identify the breakdown reasons, and utilize gentle communication to foster understanding. Practice kindness through more affectionate gestures, and focus on eliminating destructive patterns. If both partners are willing to work diligently, mending a marriage is achievable. Embrace the process of healing, and don't lose sight of your love for each other.
What Is The No. 1 Rule For Saving Your Marriage?
The most vital aspect of preserving a marriage is communication. It serves as the cornerstone for strengthening connections, expressing feelings openly, and resolving conflicts. All efforts to enhance a relationship stand a better chance of success when rooted in effective communication. Marriage counselors often identify common signs indicative of a waning relationship and provide guidance for revitalization.
To begin salvaging a troubled marriage, couples can start by conducting a comprehensive relationship evaluation. This involves reflecting candidly on the relationship's dynamics. Additionally, couples should prioritize intimacy to foster deeper emotional and physical connections amidst life's busyness.
If you're contemplating whether to mend your marriage or part ways, it's crucial to first assess your desire to save it. The foundation of good communication allows partners to tackle significant issues collaboratively, reinforcing their bond even in challenging times.
In practicing communication, it’s essential to maintain respect, avoid criticisms, and refrain from comparisons to others. Establish mutually agreed-upon rules to safeguard the relationship from negativity and ensure healthy discourse. Address conflicts directly rather than waiting for issues to escalate naturally. Such proactive measures can pave the way for a more fulfilling relationship, enabling couples to reclaim the joy and connection they once shared.
When To Call It Quits In A Marriage?
If a marriage consistently leads to unhappiness, harms mental or emotional health, or stifles personal growth, it may be time to consider separation or divorce. Recognizing the right moment to end a relationship can be challenging, but certain signs, such as lack of trust, incompatibility, and emotional disconnection, suggest it might be time to part ways. Key factors to assess include the state of communication, shared values, and sexual intimacy, all crucial in a healthy marriage.
Before making a final decision, it's important to ask yourself relevant questions about your relationship's viability. Signs of a deteriorating marriage include ongoing unhappiness, ineffective conflict resolution, loss of intimacy, and feeling indifferent. Professional help from counselors or coaches can provide clarity and support in navigating these tough choices.
Understanding when to call it quits requires a personal evaluation of your relationship's overall quality. Consider whether you've exhausted all options for improvement; this can offer a sense of closure if you ultimately decide to move on. It's vital to discern between enduring normal challenges in a marriage versus recognizing toxic patterns or abuse. If your relationship consistently brings more pain than joy, it may be time to take control of your future and end it, preserving your well-being and fostering personal fulfillment.
How To Coexist In An Unhappy Marriage?
In an unhappy marriage, it’s crucial to nurture your partnership while acknowledging and addressing issues together. Start by showing up for your partner daily, nurturing your friendship, and avoiding assumptions about their feelings. Take ownership of conflicts, be open to negotiating changes, and practice self-soothing techniques. Recognize that constant criticism often signals deeper issues in love and connection. While it's painful to hold on to the hope that everything will improve, making conscious decisions and committing to change can help create a more positive environment.
Apologizing and forgiving are vital steps—express your hurt, take responsibility for your actions, and work towards healing. If you’re determined to salvage your marriage, explore ways to reestablish happiness by focusing on what can be changed rather than what can’t. Consider seeking professional help, like couples therapy retreats, to pave the way for reconnection. Finally, remember to have hope; the feelings that brought you together are still there, and with dedication, it’s possible to revive your relationship and find joy again.
📹 6 Differences Between Healthy and Unhealthy Love
Love may drive us wild, taking us on highs and lows. Without being taught the “how” on how to navigate love, we can inadvertently …
I love this !! my boyfriend and I used to have all of these problems and instead of giving up, we talked about everything and decided to work through it together. it’s not easy or quick, but with a lot of forgiveness we’re both getting better for each other. we are doing so great now and I couldn’t be happier that we didn’t give up !!
A thing I learned is ”if you feel that something just isn’t right, it probably isn’t.” And if you feel anxious because of *someone*, it isn’t right for you, no matter how much you love the person. The highs are not worth the downs, and as time passes, there are less and less highs and only deeper downs. You’re just going to end up stuck in a vicious cycle of feeling depressed and unworthy.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Five makers of unhealthy love 1. Intensity (suffocating, showing up everywhere, texting or calling a lot) 2. Isolation (no friends day, doubt of pre-relationship life) 3. Extreme jealousy (following you everywhere, every time, online and off) 4. Belittling (break you down, shut you down) 5. Volatility (frequent breakups and makeups, hateful and hurtful comments) Do your part every day to do relationships better: – Open communication – Mutual respect – Kindness – Patience
Healthy love doesn’t even really feel like love it just feels like two (or more) people that know what they’re doing in live, and don’t have much problems or things to complain about so they are just chilling in a calm and open space and it feels like they are together by choice rather than being stuck together. Unhealthy love has that needy clingy, intense, passionate, roller coaster, emotional ups and downs type of energy that makes u feel like u need that person and your life will go into flames without them.
Sometimes the fear to be alone or the need to be loved make us allow a lot of things. So many times we don’t even see or we don’t want to see the sings and it’s really important to know how to recognize them and do something. You have to love and respect yourself first and then give love, a healthy love for others.
most of what she said exists in my relationship and not only on his side but on my side as well, we are both unhealthy to each other even though we love each other, so today I decided to end it all. sometimes u can be toxic to the person that u love the most and things need to stop. we need to learn that loving someone means understanding him/her and not expect that the other person understands you no matter what. and it means both compromising and not blaming and hurting the other. if you have stress at work or at school, then don’t make your partner a punching bag and throw all your negative emotions on them, but explain and tell them your story, and they will listen and give you assurance or cheer you by giving u love when they can. and always expect that the other person can have a hard time as well and can’t sometimes be there for u so don’t expect too much.
This woman is amazing. As a person who just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship, these are the words I really needed to hear. Now I know what red flags to look for in my next relationship, and what to watch out for in myself. And to everyone in a abusive or toxic relationship, who sees these signs or maybe signs not discussed in this talk, I just want you to know that it gets better. There are people out there for you who won’t display these signs. There are so many better and good amazing people in the world, just waiting for you.
Early in on in the romantic relationship, there are already tell-tale signs of dysfunctional behaviour. Be keen in spotting them. And in my observation, the healthiest couples are those who started out first as friends or there have been a sufficient amount of time they got to know each other before jumping into marriage or a romantic relationship.
Intensity: exciting to overwhelming and suffocating, requests not respected Isolation: pulling you away from friends and family/support system, talks smack about family- sewing seeds of doubt vs healthy love, spending time together and maintaining independence and spending time with friends and family like before the relationship Jealousy: need to know where you are all the time, accusations of flirting and cheating, won’t listen when you tell them there’s nothing to worry about. Threatening, desperate and angry edge to the jealousy Belittling: words used as weapons, make fun of you in a way that hurts, then shoot you down for overreacting vs words building you up instead of breaking you down Volatility: frequent breakups and makeups, extreme highs and lows, saying hurtful things then taking it back filled with promises
I can relate to it. In fact, after a long ended (not by me) relationship, I started to realize what made the other one left. The interesting fact is that after he broke up with me and thanks to this article I understood what it was like being in a relationship with me. It was not love. I started the relationship loving and caring about my partner and I ended just interested in how his presence would help me being happy. I realise that somehow I made him live an unhealthy relationship and I’m so sorry I did that because I lost one of my favourite people in the world because of this. All these words just to say: women can express unhealthy love the same way as men do but sometimes we forget about it. Also, don’t think just of his/her action but start analysing yours too, maybe you will understand that you may have done some wrong stuff too. And you can always improve yourself starting by accepting your mistakes Ps. I’m Italian sorry for English mistakes
When I was in a really toxic relationship what finally made me wake up to it was they always complained about every single thing I did and I never seemed to make them happy or proud. I finally asked them “What do you love about me then?” because I was noticing a pattern of denigration and manipulation that I perceived to be from their own insecurities. Asking him that one question stunned him and he could t answer it. THAT was when I knew none of this was love and when I decided to leave him.
I’ve been abused all of my life…and have been the abuser in the past at times. It’s all I knew. Now I recognize what unhealthy love looks like. It’s still a struggle for me, however, to set boundaries when I see red flags because most of my abusers used gaslighting as a way to make me think the mistreatment was all in my head.
I can feel the anxiety in her voice… it is palpable… Yet, she got up there and did a phenomenal job!! The message is profound, and something not easy for me to watch. I have always been the “I love you” guy, but my actions often did not back up my words. Now, I am 40 and essentially all alone on this spinning ball of cosmic dust. Sorry for the rant.
Such an eye opening article. Not only did I see these red flags in my ex and our relationship as a whole, I have also realised how exactly was I part of the problem. I loved her a ton, and I still do. I care for her. But I had this feeling that I there is someone out there better for me, and that me and my ex don’t have a future to get. So I decide to be honest with myself and do whats right, break up. This article made me realise that my search for a better relationship isn’t just a search for a better match, but also a search for a better version of myself from within.
I definitely did things in my relationship that were unhealthy. The tough part for me was seeing where the unhealthiness started. Abusive relationships can really mix up where who did what, that caused what. Ultimately, just recognizing it was unhealthy and grow from it. Your feelings are valid. So don’t hold on to who did what and merely grow from the experience, if you’re in position to do so right now. It all takes time.
Communication is so important. I lost a great guy because we had miscommunication on the subject of love. Moved in quickly, before love was a topic, I saw that as rushing and surely it meant he loved me (his actions were always there) but, I had no idea “I love you” was a label/title to him. A step above a committed relationship…a much high step.
I’m Glad to hear her say “I too loose my cool” and in the same breath be glad that she is/was able to give her children a voice that even keeps her in check. Recognize that you do not have to accept bad behavior from your parents. Though we are all human. This has helped me feel better about getting upset at my kids once in awhile and knowing that I’m always looking for a way to be a better mom and over all person.
It is almost impossible to be in a healthy relationship unless you love yourself first. We involve ourselves in relationships because of “core shame,” love is an emotion which covers up the uncomfortable feeling of shame. The less you need it as an antidote to shame, the more capacity you have to experience healthy love. Both in giving and receiving aspects of it.
I recognised every single sign she spoke about in my last relationship. For a moment I didn’t know if I should feel sad, angry, or grateful because it was in the past. Pain teaches us faster than happiness ever could. I learned so much about abuse and manipulation in a few months that looking back I feel a bit incredulous to realise how little I understood. But we all have to learn somehow, and if these things were not taught, sometimes they had to be learned in the hard way.
We should honestly have amazing speakers like her as teachers in school. She deliveres the message so clearly and powerfully. This is what people really need to learn, I know so many people who would’ve been much happier now if they hadn’t fallen in such abusive behaviour or become victims of it … thank you for showing us how to maintain a healthy relationship instead!
I’m surprised she didn’t mention more about actively cultivating gratitude as an offset to jealousy and control. Being grateful you’ve even ever had love in your life can really help with feelings of jealousy and control when it comes to keeping that love in your life or coping with the fear of losing it.
I watch this and I’m so ashamed of myself. I can see how some of my actions are unhealthy. While they’re are nowhere near as extreme as the examples given, I’m the sort of person who loves too hard and after many failed relationships, I made a conscious effort to hold on to the ‘honeymoon phase’. In doing this, I now see that I am sabotaging my relationship. I’m unintentionally stopping it from evolving out of fear of it failing. I need to be better for my partner and I’m going to practice these tips and hopefully he won’t feel so suffocated and overwhelmed.
I wish i saw this article earlier… i just left my toxic and abusive relationship of 3 years. It was really hard…really hurtful and really scary. It starts subtle, you know, small things like wanting to know where you are, or what i called “cute jealously” where i found it cute when he would be jealous when boys would try and talk to me and all, or how much time he wanted to spend with me… but it all got so suffocating. Wanting to know where i was and who i was with ALL the time, got so frustrating. His jealousy would turn into hateful words and maybe a few hits and punches. Him wanting to spend time with me all the time, literally isolated me from my friends and family. Everyone was worried…but me. I saw so many signs, red flags but i chose to ignore it. In hopes maybe, he would change or this is how love is meant to be because he loved me so much (I thought, he ended up cheating on me with underaged girls!) . But i was wrong, he didnt love me. He possessed over me and that is not love. I am glad I left, because now I realize love is not suffocating, demanding, abusive, rude, or caging. Its all about being who you are, with the right person and still getting to do what you love and having support to do whatever you like. Definitely not getting pushed down by it because of your partners insecurities. To anyone going through a toxic relationship, im so sorry you dont deserve this, but you deserve to put yourself first and leave❤️
Wow when I clicked on this TED talk I didn’t realize who the speaker was/the foundation she works with. I knew Yeardley through mutual friends, we were aquaintances but I remember how tragic and awful things were during that time. I can’t believe it’s been 10 years. I appreciate this article spreading awareness for such an important issue.
I love my other half so much. but my anxiety gets so bad and it gets in the way. I create problems in my head with the relationship even if everything is fine just because I’m so scared of something in my life working out so i sabotage it myself because I’m not used to peace in relationships. And my family never showed me what love was supposed to be like so it’s hard to navigate especially at 16. In my head, i’m used to realtionships involving lots of horrible fights and screaming and violence. And it’s so hard to just trust that love can really be a beautiful, peaceful thing if i let it be
Broke up a week ago and this article made me realize that I was little toxic. I became a little clingy and would ask him to communicate more, the relationship went from healthy to unhealthy. I was initially ok with late replies( even though it was LDR) and him going out because he used to inform me but when the honeymoon period was wearing off he stopped telling these things, lied, and was little emotionally unavailable a bit(SINCE BEGINNING). When confronted he sent me article on “how to love heartbroken guy” because we dated 3 years and he was still hurt by past breakup. I made him feel suffocated.I never stopped him from hanging out with his friends and family yet he blamed me for doing so. I just demanded healthy communication. He left when I asked to work things out and now I want to work to improve myself.
I think she is forgetting to mention something really important here which can be reversed regarding jealousy because I think it can make a lot of people start to question themselves if they are being abusers when they are not!! A LOT of the times, there is a reason for someone being jealous, the feeling doesn’t come out of nowhere. Your partner might be liking sexy pictures on social media of the opposite gender, flirting with your friends etc. Its okay to feel worried and ask your partner about it (thats not jealousy) and if the partner thinks you’re overreacting THIS is the real abuse.
Love the article but,,,I take exception to what you say starting at the 3:56 mark. You mention feelings shifting from excitement to overwhelming and suffocating. Feelings aren’t facts. Someone who has emotional issues might feel overwhelmed and suffocated in a healthy and normal relationship and that doesn’t mean the relationship is unhealthy but rather the person. I was once told by someone I dated that she had a fear of relationships and she said she was overwhelmed when she broke up with me. If you’re feeling something negative, talk to your partner or an advisor. A good partner would be more than happy to adjust things to make you happy, within reason. A bad partner would not. And a bad partner would break up without exploring their overwhelming feelings. And someone who says ILY too soon? How are they supposed to know when the other is ready? We’re not mind readers.
I have had a lot of abusive and unhealthy relationships and also I have a lot of good ones with family and friends. I thought I deserved how I was being treated because I thought I was an awful person doing bad things and they were just psychologically abusing me to build me up. I realized from the help of my supports who really cared about me and gave me constructive criticism that I have a lot of good qualities and I deserve respect. I got help leaving those relationships and with the help of loved ones, I’m living a better life.
Sometimes the person can emotionally abuse you without calling you names or belittling you. My ex was a lot of these things but never called me names so I didn’t realize it was abuse until my friend pointed it out to me one day. He started out way too passionate, said I love you and talked about marriage within one week of us dating, calling me all the time and getting mad at me for putting friends and family first, accusing me of cheating, and threatening to kill himself if we ever broke up (and passed it off as he was joking). It was an emotional rollercoaster. Never again.
1:12-1:20, good for me to recognize that I am human… and there in the one that I love is INCREDIBLY human! Point of view would reverse that of course. My first wife and I followed advise given by her minister friend: Give 51% all of the time and you can always meet in the middle. It lasted for her lifetime, I wish it could have lasted for mine.
I’ve seen the toxic relationships in my life. Mostly family. I practice the same stuff I wish you saw that for some environments it doesn’t matter what you say. Or what you do. You eventually become numb, stop feeling anything since nobody really cares. Some people out there don’t have anyone, or anything to go to at the end of the day to help them. Or encourage them.
Hearing your words, the words I’ve heard in enough ways, reminds me to figure out what life’s like on the other side of that door. The fights I try and walk away from, only to be chastised for walking away to gather a calming breath. The final confrontation led me to choose to block that number. All arguments cease at the end of a very sad story. No winners only survivors. Small… Flashes… Of… Light. A partnership grows each other; never perfect, two people choose kindness over being “right” and “winning”; rather, they meet halfway. I wonder, what that’s truly like.
Abuse and toxicity is all around us, and most of us believe its normal. I know I did. I thought it was normal for family to mistreat you and then when they said they love you it was all suppose to go away… it never went away it went intrinsically within me. I am grateful for the program I joined and graduated from and now teach on how to self heal. I was lost so lost… now I am maintaining and learning continuously how to love me.
The Bible teaches love. 1 Corinthians: 13:4-8 “love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy it does not boast it is not proud it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking it is not easily angered it keeps no records of wrongs love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth it always protects always trusts always hopes always preserves.” (NIV) love is not being jealous, self seeking, or angered easily. Love is being kind and patient. Not holding grudges. That is love that is how we should love eachother. The article demonstrates those things when talking about healthy love. These characteristics of love are no stranger to the world they have been around for a long time.
my bf came into my life and gave me a new perspective that showed me my friends weren’t the best, so I only started hanging out with him and my sister and her friend (that I’ve been good friends with for awhile) and idk i kinda appreciated it because they didn’t treat me in the best way our entire friendship but i was just to like scared to break it off, they were like some of my closest friends but still I’m thankful because he made me realize someone (as my friend) shouldn’t be treating me that way. so forever thankful and he has always treated me well and we’ve been together for the last 7 months <3
Love is not an instinct or an emotion. Love is a choice. It says even thou I am frustrated with you I chose to love you. The emotions are what makes love beautiful but those emotions can lead you down the wrong path also. That is why you need to guard your heart not to be controlled by your emotions. A good marriage takes work and sacrifice by both parties. It does not come automatically.
Every relationship completely depends on honesty. And I mean in the Shakespearean sense: this above all else, to thine own self be true: since a life of veracity begins at home. Liars are pathologically disconnected from reality and healthy relationships with them are impossible. Also, remember that being in love doesn’t mean loving, and that love should be an active quality. And desperate love is a very selfish thing.
4:55 me and my wife love spending every day together. It’s not that we dont want friends around. We just love cuddling and snuggling. Friends are welcome but they dont often times get our feelings. According to this though that’s not love? We never force each other or anything, we are just each others best friends.
Immature love, or rather those who fall in love or seek to fall in love constantly are selfish people who put themselves in the centre of the relationship. The unexperienced heart, falling in love is I toxicated. But it’s selfish, it asks “if you love you would (insert demand), like it was said, it’s intense to the point of obsession and possession. It’s unhealthy or better word, immature. True love puts us in the centre, but it recognises the two individuals as that, two individuals coming together. True love allows growth, it is jealous because it’s a natural to be so, but true love keeps jealousy healthy. Healthy jelousy is understanding others will find you attractive or your partner attractive vice versa, but you remain loyal to us, not necessarily the other person because the other person can manipulate your loyalty via emotional manipulation, we all do this, even in healthy relationships but we do not result to this first. True love is compassionate and patient, immature love is the opposite. Unhealthy relationships stem from a unbalanced romantic fantasy, unrealistic terms and conditions based on a skewed fantasy, which pop culture used to spew out. Immature love ignites quickly but burns violently and burns out quickly. Too many have fallen victim to their own unrealistic romantic ideals and fantasy. True love is kind, it’s open and seeks happiness through a dynamic between two. True happiness is based on relationships, not isolation. Once you isolate yourself or even put yourself constantly in the middle, you’ve isolated the other person in the relationship.
I am really glad I came accross this article. I was so confused about my own actions which is somehow not healthy and I thought it to be healthy and constantly blaming it on my partner. I am glad I’m being able to understand all of it while it’s not yet late. I’m bringing in the positive change. Thankyou for this session.
I need to work on one issue, I was cheated on for so long by my ex and now im scared, i get nervous when he goes out but i let him go and encourage him to have fun. I also tend to rather be with him than with friends when i have the choice/option. I dont want to suffocate him, thanks for the article 👌🏻 Ps. I already let him do his things and me mine, i have for a long time, so its going great
I have been horrible at loving. I can blame it on many things of growing up, but really I’ve been accepting I made these choices, I loved wrong and I hurt people. I hope my relationship of now 5yrs can continue and make it, especially after all I’ve done. I’m in therapy, and feel remorse for my actions. May whatever higher power help me through the process
The difference between healthy and unhealthy love by Katie Hood. Wow! Such a clear teaching on love vs not love. That was awesome to hear someone put all that together. That was right on, thank you for validation. If it’s unhealthy it is not love! It is not hard to differentiate the difference between healthy love and unhealthy love. “it’s not about how the relationship started, it’s about how the relationship evolved” A lot of times we are stucked and fixated on the beginning that we can’t let go. I’m agree that love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It’s not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end🙌♥
Just 15 hours back I just came out of very emotionally blackmailing and abusive relationship sometimes even though we 100% see the red flags we hide ourselves. Never do it one red flag is enough to end relationship. please never suffer. I was breathless as soon as I gathered courage and came out finally I can breathe. I thank God and my family support for it. Never be scared guys 😊
I searched about healthy relationship here as I feel I needed and this is what I watch. So worthwhile perusal for me. Because I just started a relationship with my boyfriend who is kinda calm. Yes. He loves me but he talks little to me. But I want him to talk with me all the time something like that. (So I even think he doesn’t love me when he talks less) but after well considering, actually it was me who is so demanding. Thanks for this reminder article..and very helpful comments below.
Im so happy i saw this article. Now i know i am the Problem in the Friendship with my best friend and why i have the feeling its getting worse atm. I am abusive in nearly all of those facts u said, it hurts me to know i am the problem but it also gives me hope that i can change it and it can get better again.
I really appreciate this article’s emphasis on how we are all guilty of unhealthy actions. Many articles dealing with abuse will label “an abuser” as if that is their only defining feature. Like a villain in a movie who’s one goal is to hurt you. It makes me uncomfortable because it dehumanizes your experience and promotes anger. I believe that my ex is a good person who deserves to be happy. Yes he verbally, emotionally and sexually abused me, but he is still a person and I don’t believe (most) of his behaviors had the intention to be malicious. We thought we had things figured out because we had great communication, but he was incapable of respecting me when he would get angry. I don’t want to villainize him. I want to understand my trauma and grow from it. I hope he can grow too
Great talk! I did have an unhealthy relationship with my previous partner. He had solid everything you said on this article. We did break up and make up like ten thousand times, he always made me sad with hurting and abusive words and then he showed up at my house saying that he felt so sorry for doing all of these. After accepting his apology, I still saw nothing changes from him and he kept disrespecting me anyway. Ultimately, I chose to leave him and started a new relationship and that was definitely the best decision I ever made in my life. I’m so happy with it right now. Feeling amazing cause I finally escaped from the trap named ex boyfriend haha
Childish = Needy, Possessive, Insecure, Immature, and dominance is insecurity. Love = Enjoying Togetherness and when not together, enjoying that little pain of distance, knowing togetherness is not far away. Enjoying distance in togetherness is like reenjoying a song in the afternoon by remembering it which you have heard in the morning. Togetherness doesn’t demand anything. If you start to feel insulted, it’s not working out. Little grey area is, taking other person for granted. More you take other person for granted more togetherness is ruined and possessiveness is increased. Little assuming some things from other person is okay I guess. Some people do like surprises sometimes. Also, too much of sacrifice is very bad for togetherness. Two people can have long term togetherness only if there is mutual respect in equal amounts.
another marker of healthy love is that you both feel safe enough to have these hard conversations about mistreatment. if you feel like you cant talk to your partner about how theyre treating you because they might get violent or hurt themselves. that relationship is not healthy and is 99% of the time not worth trying to save. learning to work through tough things as a couple is important, but there is no situation where you should jeopardize your safety to continue to try to work things out.
The traits you describe are that of the big N word and borderline personality. I actually think the majority of population fall into one or both these personality disorders. Behavior modification is the only way to change and keep your relationship. Fighting the urges to overstep boundaries and lash out when you don’t get your way, be compromising and allow each other space with trust, listen to your partner and be their best friend (meaning do things and give them the best advice for their highest good, not yours only to serve your needs. Don’t interrupt but listen attentively the way you’d want to be heard and respond how you’d want to be responded to… These are traits that most people have difficulties with and must learn to harness and change if they want to keep love in their life.
I got issues like I would often forget my husband is moody and he is mentally ill cuz I always feel like he’s strong n amazing then I forget that he’s an underdog, then he suddenly acts weird then I try to read and understand his feelings then I would assume negative stuff then believe it, but that was just him, so whenever he would forget to say “No” to me and stuff, he gets anxious thoughts, overthinks, then we fight then he goes back to normal again then we get back together. I wish he develops boundaries. At least I understand now why he’s like that and I accept n love my bebe for who he is and what he has rn, and I wanna see him get healthy, improve and grow, and I’m proud that he no longer drinks and does pot, and I’ll show him that we will be happy together sober, strong, comfortable, peaceful, safe and inlove. That’s all I want from in this love. I know he will wait for me to be wit him someday and I am grateful for that, I will marry him everywhere I go n live. So it seems unhealthy, a red flag, but we have alot to outgrow of and it’s just our mental health issues.
I want to be a better lover and partner. This is so hard to navigate without articles like this especially as a young queer woman of color. Some of these unhealthy patters are even romanticized in the lesbian community. I have even romanticized some of these qualities in myself and past partners. Thank you so much for this educational article!! I hope many people in the LGBTQ community watch this.
I’m very happy I just broke up from a Toxic Relationship, just as this TED talk describes. I did it by telling her she has BPD. After 6 severe episodes of her Fear of Abandonment, her condition became clear as a bell. The door to her has now been shut forever. I’m no longer walking around on egg shells next her. I feel normal again. And now having met new woman, I know my life has moved into a positive direction again.
Intensity is not a bad thing, it means one soul recognizes and appreciates another soul. It’s a true love bond, BUT both parties must be self aware and independently find their own happiness within before being able to be part of such an intense relationship. I am a passionate person, my love is very intense, but I am also very independent and do not NEED anyone. These boyfriends and girlfriends who murder or abuse others are unaware and codependent on others for their own value and happiness. I don’t think intensity is a red flag, but codependency is.
I did watch this article in 2019. I was in a really unhealthy relationship and I watched this article and didnt even notice. Thats because I wasnt listening to how I felt in that relationship. I wasnt paying attention to my feelings. 2 years later, with a lot of therapy and instrospection and reflection, I could finally understand and put and end to this toxic relationship. I would love saying a lot of things but the only thing im going to say is: Listen to your body, it talks to you. All the angry, the sadness, the anguish, the disgust, the discomfort, it is trying to tell you something. Listen to them and do things differently. Also, if you can go to therapy.
Hah. One thing that irritates me about talks like these is that they totally ignore the role that dysfunctional, unloving or conditionally loving parents play in setting up their daughters to fall prey to such over-controlling boyfriends or girlfriends. Yet I’ve never heard a single talk address the parents ‘ role in teaching the teenage girls and young women to accept the ever-escalating levels of abusive behavior from a SO.
Thank you for such a thought-provoking theme. We should recognise unhealthy signs in relationship for the time being. Actually some of us might think that there is a problem in relationship because of unhealthy somebody’s behavior when in reality it can be your unhealthy behavior or perseption of the life. It’s so important to improve yourself day by day as if nothing bad can happen with you. By doing this we will attract in our lifestyle joy and happiness and will stop meddling with others life by advising unnecessary things.
Volatility? You mean life.. being human.. having a range of emotions? She expresses that she herself has highs and lows with her own kids- which might happen what- 2-4 times a year- and yet, volatility is an issue? I see couples communicate in hyperbole’s all the time and it’s actually what keeps things in perspective. And what about codependence, opinion respecting despite disagreement, and relationship equity? People have tendencies to ebb and flow- and shift focus and energy from hobbies and interests to work and family. What about fault finding and the importance of thank you (not taking things for granted) and I”m sorry (reseting the mean after some form of excess without resentment)? This list was shallow and more or less suggested maintaining some even keel status quo without dealing with the outliers which are notorious for ending some relationships while simultaneously strengthening or not causing issue in others. Volatility might actually suggest some seasonality- which could be expected from time to time- while the intensity, extreme jealousy, and belittling over and over would not be seen as volatile, but consistent- and would be highly negative. I’m not sure what happened here- I revert to Esther Pearl.
Somehow I do not fully agree with her total view on personal space and time away from your husband, or your wife. In times like we are living today, it is an excuse to enjoy time away from home when you’re in a marriage. It is somehow fine and okay if you want to spend time alone with your friend, or friends for that matter, when you are only in a relationship. But once you are married, you do things together with your husband, and also your children.It is a choice you’ve made, not just a companionship. If you want best of both worlds, stay single and mingle. But DON’T DISRESPECT marriage! Plain and simple….and for the critics, it is just a view and not cast in stone….
I have been spiritually awake for 21 years. I am a student of the Holy Spirit and I try to will love towards everyone. My inspiration is to practice acts of love and see one’s self as an aspect of love. Walk the path to master love and be a radient source of love. If you lean on someone else for your love if they are out of your control or influence you are out of love. If you are a solid standing source of love you are a mirror reflecting love and if they mirror you back you have eternal reflections of love.
me and my first boyfriend were like this. we fell in love so fast and were inseparable, it wasn’t until several months in until we realized our toxic traits: isolation, intensity, even some volatility. luckily we knew we wanted to be together, we loved each other so much and were best friends. it’s been a year now and things feel so healthy. I’m sure things will fluctuate more since we are so young and it’s still pretty new at only a year but it’s true that communication and a genuine respect and kindness for each other, every single day, makes the difference.
My dad is not perfect but he was never a possessive dad, I was had full responsibility when I went out, never heard a “are you going to wear that” or “don’t come after whatever time” and I was always quite responsible because this is how I am. I never saw him get jealous with my mum. Although he was much into her he was a calm person, and I can say in my few relationships one thing I can bring to the table is my bf won’t be jealous because 1. it is a deal breaker and 2. I don’t give reasons for that, if you want to speak about an issue, so be it, if we don’t want to continue, so be it. Trust is what fuels a relationship.
It is crazy to sit here and watch this because I know my ex had these traits. But I think the thing that needs to get focused on more than what our previous partner had was the traits that we have. What can we take away from an unhealthy relationship. What can we do to improve. I know that I didn’t do my part to provide space in the relationship. I wasn’t patient, understanding, a good listener, and didn’t communicate how I felt at times. I know in the future that I can be a better person and will do what I can to get there. In my eyes everything happens for a reason and while yes losing someone I love hurts a lot right now, I do know that this is the way the relationship had to and was destined to turn out because how else was I going to learn more about myself and how else was I going to grow.
Woow there’s no words to describe her speech she is really has a way to convey the scene with simplest and easily way her words stuck in my brain and as a girl in 22 y.o i experienced most of what she said and now i know better how i choose good people in my life and i know wich kind of people worth my time to spend with. Thx alot for confirm my decision 💜✨ I’ll always remember your name and hope to see you in another articles
It is not enough to apply love without knowledge and understanding, because applying the energy of the feeling love incorrectly could result in suffering. Knowledge, understanding and love is a group that must work in unison as the largest sentimental group that we can have in this world, because knowledge and understanding fed with love energy allows everything to manifest itself only with feelings.
My Learnings from the impressive Talk 1. Abuse in relationship happens to 1/3 women and 1/4 men 2. Intensity of love, independence-give space, don’t follow your spouse everywhere, every time, don’t get jealous 3. Talk about own needs and respect 4. Don’t pull out your spouse from the people they love and want to spend time with them 5. Use Polite words, don’t make fun of them which hurts their feelings 6. Forceful relationship, leave peacefully if not getting along
Thank you for your talking, It is true that it has lots of toxic relationships nowadays, taking my friend for example, she prefers to controlling her boyfriend, she always follows her boyfriend everywhere and even prevents him from his group of friends, so she had lots of failed relationships in the past and lost touch with them. Although I gave her lots of advices for that problem, I feel really sad when she not clearly understand her problem. I hope she can realize her issues and have a healthy relationship in the future ❤
I feel completely battered within. Last night my now ex, said the most painful things I think any person has said to me. The most painful, cruel things. I can still feel it, the effects of the break up and words exchanged, resting in my heart. We’ve been here before, but this time, the cat was let out the bag, full force. Any tips or advice would be needed. Any fears, insecurities I had have all been said by them. They used my weakest spots against me. I’m utterly distraught over it.
Yes, it can. It was in my first marriage,i was 19,pregnant, and had our first child,his mom came to be around to take care of my new son,her sons son,his behavior changed so much after his mom had been around,our relationship became so violently abusive i finally left,but not for good not yet. I believe i kept trying to keep us as a family, then i had our second child,lots of abuse,ranting raving,left for good, got my own place,very hard to live with someone chasing you and stalking you,telling you if he cant have me no one can,i was terrified, so i agreed to come talk to him before i went to work,i didnt show up,about two hours later,our oldest is calling me at work,telling me to sit down,his dad was dead. I believe that to this day, GOD protected me throughout this journey,as he continues to protect me today.
This can happen to any kind of relationship including love partner, family and even work. It happened to me when I worked in my previous company. My employer gave me way too much support from the beginning, which turned into controlling everything I do later. He also talk bad about anyone I hang out with which also works in the same field, and made me not wanting to hang out with them anymore. Everyone outside thought he treated me very well because he always show the outsider how well he treated me. But that’s not the case when it comes to when there’s just me and him in the workplace. Took me a year to find out I was manipulated and gaslighted and finally leave the company. But that was not the end, he launched smear campaigns against me and told other company that he fired me instead of me resigning. It took me very long to recover emotionally, and to finally proof to outsiders that I’m not like what he said.
Coming out of a domestic violence relationship she is completely correct when saying timing is everything when leaving because of triggers/inciting more violence. One thing I will add is that when choosing to leave, you have to be strong and confident within yourself. Strong enough to stay away and not go back regardless of how “easy” returning may seem, strong enough to build yourself back and realise your self worth and value and more importantly, strong enough to admit that you are a victim of DV. This may sound funny, but once you’re ready to admit this, it helps the process of healing and staying strong to stay away.
My exact situation. I was told I’m selfish because my partner insisted on calling/texting/seeing me every minute. Constant contact, isolating me. We could’ve had a good relationship but he didn’t even like me honestly. He liked the “hunt” and “chase” trying to catch me cheating, which I never did.
How is it possible to be in this state of pure consciousness? Loving unconditionally can only be done when I already am experiencing love for the Supreme in my heart. My heart is full. I am no longer looking for someone to fill my empty heart. I don’t need anyone else anymore. In this way I can be a true well-wisher and just give and love unconditionally.
as someone who’s been lovebombed/in abusive relationships and also with people who barely cared/ignored me, idk if it’s ever healthy paced or if he’s settling for me and isn’t truly interested… (my nervous system freaks out at NOT being lovebombed LOL) the only sign of disinterest is in my head tho…so I guess that gives me my answer🤣
My family is full of abusive members. When i got into a fight with my mother, she always ignored me for days and then one day started a fight that escalated more and more with every minute until she shouts what a worthless human being i am, what a bad daughter, that my only goal is to see my mother dead (which is absolutely not true), that it’s no wonder i have little friends because she wouldn’t want to be my friend either the way i am, and much more. I just realized that i am sadly also like this to my boyfriend to get a reaction out of him that “proofs” he loves me. It’s so sick and we have been in a very bad relationship the past months, i hope he can forgive me and maybe even help me to get over that behaviour.
🔥 Unhealthy love has 5 signs: ⭐️ Intensity – Feels exhilarating at first, then overwhelming. 🌳 Isolation – Pulling away from friends/family. 💢 Extreme jealousy – Possessive, mistrustful behavior. 👎 Belittling – Words used as weapons, put-downs. 🎢 Volatility – Emotional roller coaster, threats, drama. Healthy love has mutual respect, communication & patience. Everyone can improve their relationship skills over time.
My ex-boyfriend has these kinds of negative behaviors when we’re still dating. My past relationship with him was very suffocating and toxic. He’s very controlling, narrow-minded, and always checks my soc med accounts. That’s why I need to delete my conversations to anyone, because if I don’t my ex will be mad. I know those are the signs to get out of that relationship, but I never did. Then out of the blue, I caught him cheated on me, told me he’s losing his feelings for me, and that he has a new girlfriend. That hurts, I felt defeated and I even confronted him even though he rarely replied to my calls and messages. But I realized, I should be happy that it ended though.
I got a perfect score in this unhealthy relationship checkmark. Because he compared me to his former crushes and exes, I felt insecure for and jealous for the first time. I asked for fashion advice and he sent a picture of his college former crush saying: try dressing like this. He also looked for his high school former crush while I was in front of him saying “Why isn’t she here?” “she’s supposed to be here.” “i wish she was here.” Which made me like I didn’t exist at all and scared when he doesn’t update me, because he might’ve forgotten i existed again. We rarely have time together and I felt neglected. I tried communicating him and nothing changed. I exploded one time because he and his college former crush brought over food for their friends. She brought sweet and sour pork while he brought fried rice. They looked like a couple. I fainted due to the accumulated stress. Finally, he invited over his high school former crush last month to his house at night, just the two of them. I admit I became toxic. For the first time in my life, I felt insecurity and hated myself so much that I wanted to peel my skin off. Being compared, feeling I didn’t exist, and finally being so physically affected by the stress made me leave.
intensity is a tough one… i consider myself intense, with almost everything i love: things, actions, ideas, people… i do agree it can be harmful, both to our loved ones and to ourselves (besides, it feels so good its almost impossible to stop.) ive been there and regret a lot of things said and done due to my high intensity. but it can also be a powerful tool, and used for good. there are some hard, but right, things to do, that can only be done with high intensity.
Extreme jealousy also surfaces when your girlfriend, boyfriend, significant other or spouse was keeping secrets or hiding things from you and are outed by their own family, then when it’s just the two of you, the story changes all over again. Jealousy appears when your spouse gets a text message on their phone and they ASK YOU to see who it’s from because they’re elbow deep in whatever, and it’s a text from a co-worker they are more than two times older than and the content of that text message shouldn’t have been sent to your spouse. I can promise you, God will never send you someone else’s spouse, etc to have a relationship with. Being in love is so easy, we never see any flaws in our other half. Love, love takes work and both of you being willing to put the work into it. ~ APRIL LIPKE
I had some immature moments in my life but the mistakes I made, gave me lessons that haven’t taught at school, nature and experience is our best teacher. So many factors to include in having some healthy ones, we just have to care for our partner, it’ll evolve, hopefully to a fulfilling partnership. Character building should be taught at home and in school so in that way we don’t end up into having a nightmare relationship. I was about to finish the article but it’s loading in my end, patience too. 🤭 Love having some heathy relationships to people and just be understanding and stay away from unhealthy ones.
I have been in abusive relationship for 13 years . Tried my best but due to infidelity he started abusing 10 year old girl and tried to manipulate that I did attack him and the kid. Had to call cops with articles if it but the court dismissed the case as he did attack but I didn’t get injured.. so much injustice to me.. trying to come out that still get sway if I think of the incident and think of him. Trying to fight for the kid .. whatever this article is true in my life..
I’m guilty of these unhealthy signs. He cheated on me while I’m being faithful to him and now I can clearly sense and see that these signs are slowly visible on my side. I’m always jealous, I’m possessive, and I get mad easily over small inconvenience. I don’t like this feeling and I don’t wanna be this kind of partner but what would I do? I feel like I was traumatized by him bc of his cheating and I became like this for awhile. I love him and I don’t want him to feel suffocated by my actions but I’m also scared that if I ever trust him again the way I did before, I might get cheated on again. I don’t like this feeling and I hope someone can help me understand this situation. We all deserve the kind of love that makes us feel secured and content; not anxious like I am.