To protect your child’s interests and navigate the challenges of co-parenting with a hostile person, consider these strategies:
- Stop the bleeding. You cannot co-parent with a toxic co-parent. Accept that your ex will not change, and disengage from the situation when it becomes challenging.
- Recognize the 8 common traps that co-parents get stuck in and tools for getting through them.
- The Blame Game. When playing the Blame Game, the other parent attributes everything bad on co-parenting. Focus on your own well-being, seek counseling or therapy if needed, and practice self-care. Surround yourself with positive people and pursue your own goals.
- New partners may offer constructive commentary and helpful insight that aids you and your former partner in the co-parenting process while holding your child’s best interest at heart.
- Macadaan and other experts suggest identifying if you’re co-parenting with a narcissist and tips for navigating stressful moments that can arise.
- Set co-parenting boundaries in new relationships. Co-parenting requires empathy, patience, and open communication.
- Normalize the situation. Help your ex’s partner connect with your child. Communicate your concerns and focus on your child.
- Ask for their advice, discuss boundaries, and keep communication open with them about your new partner.
- Try to have friends and family to help, visit, or make new ones. However, stay away from intimate relationships as long as necessary.
In summary, these strategies can help parents protect their child’s interests and navigate the challenges of co-parenting with a hostile person. By following these strategies, they can create a healthier dynamic for themselves and their children.
| Article | Description | Site |
|---|---|---|
| When a Co-Parent Gets a New Partner – OurFamilyWizard | Even if your co–parent’s new partner isn’t your favorite person, speak politely about them when you’re around your child. It can be confusing … | ourfamilywizard.com |
| How to handle my husband co-parenting with his ex who is … | Talk to her directly and don’t sugar coat your thoughts. Just tell her we have a kid that we both care about and want the best for. You will not … | quora.com |
| Step-by-Step Guide to Co-Parenting While in a Relationship | With careful planning, a cooperative approach, and boundaries in place, you can comfortably manage co–parenting while in a relationship. | onwardapp.com |
📹 Different ways CO-PARENTING with a NARCISSIST plays out
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE …
What Is Unhealthy Co-Parenting?
Bad co-parenting behavior includes constantly arguing or fighting in front of the children, refusing to communicate or collaborate on decisions regarding their upbringing, education, or medical care. Unhealthy co-parenting boundaries manifest in communication patterns, custody expectations, and privacy preferences. It's essential for parents to prioritize their children's well-being over personal grievances. Co-parenting, or shared parenting, involves jointly raising children post-separation or divorce, which can often be complicated.
Talking disparagingly about the other parent harms children's development and increases their risk of behavioral problems. Co-parenting differs from parallel parenting, as it emphasizes open communication and collaboration. Negative feelings like distrust, anger, and resentment often disrupt effective co-parenting, leading to adverse outcomes. Engaging in bad co-parenting behaviors, such as withholding information about schooling, involving children in parental conflicts, and badmouthing the other parent, creates confusion and emotional distress for the children.
Research highlights that co-parenting is crucial for children's mental health, emphasizing the need for harmony post-divorce. Thus, developing healthy co-parenting strategies is vital for fostering positive emotional, behavioral, and social outcomes for children involved.
How Do You Respond To A Toxic Co-Parent?
Dealing with a toxic co-parent can be challenging and stressful, impacting both your well-being and that of your children. To navigate this situation effectively, it is crucial to establish clear boundaries while prioritizing the children's needs. Effective communication is key—responding with clarity and conciseness can help reduce drama. Instead of engaging in emotional exchanges, focus on factual discussions, using your parenting agreement as a reference when necessary.
Accepting that your co-parent may not change allows you to control your reactions and set realistic expectations for their behavior. When faced with manipulative tactics aimed at casting you in a negative light, such as playing the victim, it’s important to ignore personal attacks and frame discussions around solutions, rather than blame.
Seeking professional help can also provide support and strategies to manage the co-parenting dynamic better. Documenting interactions is essential for protecting your child’s interests. Keep in mind that self-care and social support are vital during this process. Ultimately, maintaining a calm and stable environment for your children should remain the primary focus amidst the challenges presented by a toxic co-parent.
How Often Should You Talk To Coparent?
Effective communication between co-parents is essential for successful co-parenting, though it doesn't need to occur daily. While personal interactions may be less frequent, establishing a routine of more than once a month is important. Communication should be empathetic, patient, and respectful, focusing on the children and relevant schedule changes to minimize misunderstandings. The frequency of interactions varies based on the unique preferences and dynamics of the parents involved, as well as the needs of the children. In high-conflict situations, employing de-escalation strategies can facilitate better communication.
It is advisable to communicate clearly and concisely, avoiding criticism or blame, and employing polite language like "please" and "thank you." Most co-parents find that communicating once a week suffices unless there are urgent matters or queries related to the children’s education or health. Understanding that the nature of co-parenting arrangements can change, flexibility is key. Prioritizing calm discussions and setting mutual expectations is vital for a smoother co-parenting experience.
Ultimately, the aim is to foster a positive environment that benefits the children's emotional health, academic performance, and relationships, while navigating the complexities of sharing parental responsibilities post-divorce.
Should I Take A Co-Parenting Class With My New Partner?
Taking a co-parenting class with your new partner can significantly benefit your family structure as you navigate the challenges of blended families. Effective co-parenting requires clear boundaries and communication, especially when integrating a new partner into the existing dynamic. Co-parenting involves jointly raising children post-separation or divorce, necessitating collaboration with an ex-partner, which can be daunting.
To address these challenges, start by visualizing your schedule and developing a written parenting plan that outlines responsibilities and time allocations. Effective communication with your ex about introducing new partners is crucial; discussing how and when to inform children can lead to smoother transitions.
When a new partner enters the picture, it changes familial dynamics and routines. Establishing co-parenting boundaries helps prioritize the children's needs and minimize stress. Co-parenting classes can aid in managing emotions and navigating new family dynamics, thereby focusing on the children's best interests.
Consider the individuals involved in the co-parenting process, and remember that your ex-partner and their new partner may also require respectful introductions. While co-parenting can be challenging, being cooperative and setting boundaries can simplify the process. Engaging in open discussions with your new partner regarding expectations will foster a collaborative environment that benefits everyone involved.
Ultimately, when handled with care and consideration, co-parenting can evolve into a supportive framework that enhances your family's overall well-being. Establishing a harmonious relationship among all parental figures can help ensure a loving and stable environment for your children.
How To Be In A Relationship With Someone Who Co-Parents?
Building a successful co-parenting relationship takes time, and it’s crucial for both parents and children to feel comfortable around each other. Communicate openly with your children to assure them that bonding with a new partner does not diminish their relationship with either parent. Establish similar understanding with your co-parent. Co-parenting, often occurring after divorce or separation, involves joint responsibility in raising children, which can be complex, especially when feelings are still involved.
Creating boundaries with an ex can be challenging, yet shared parenting dynamics can bring positive outcomes. It’s essential for both parents to present a united front and support each other’s roles, especially when a new partner enters the picture. Gradual introductions and keeping the lines of communication open are vital. Parents should focus on the child’s needs as a priority in discussions and maintain cordial interactions, regardless of past grievances.
By collaborating effectively and adhering to a cooperative approach, including shared parenting strategies, both parents can ensure their children receive love and guidance from both sides, ultimately fostering a nurturing environment. With careful planning and respect, co-parenting can be a rewarding experience for all involved.
What Should I Know About Co-Parenting?
Co-parenting effectively involves recognizing challenges that may arise, particularly when children test rules in hopes of gaining more freedom. To mitigate this, co-parents are advised to present a united front while also maintaining consistency in their parenting styles. Co-parenting, often referred to as joint or shared parenting, occurs when parents who are separated or divorced take on the shared responsibility of raising their children. This arrangement emphasizes cooperation with mutual decisions, an organized approach, and prioritizing children's well-being.
Successful co-parenting positively impacts children's academic performance and emotional health. Boundaries, clear communication, and shared discipline help create a predictable environment for children. Parents may choose from various co-parenting models, such as co-parenting or parallel parenting, depending on their circumstances. Establishing a written parenting plan articulates responsibilities, care arrangements, and new dynamics in the parent-child relationship.
Ultimately, consistent efforts in co-parenting can foster a loving, supportive environment, ensuring children thrive despite their parents’ separation. Key principles include focusing on the child, respecting each other, and remaining adaptable throughout the process.
How Do You Outsmart A Narcissist Coparent?
Co-parenting with a narcissist can be incredibly challenging, but it is manageable through effective strategies. Here are five essential tips to help disarm a narcissistic co-parent:
- Don't Sink To Their Level: Maintain your composure and stay outside of perceived conflicts.
- Don't Feed Their Ego: Keep the focus on the children rather than on the narcissist's desires.
- Don't Take Responsibility For Their Emotions: Stay grounded in your values and avoid emotional entanglements.
- Don't Use Ultimatums: Remain calm, set firm boundaries, and avoid confrontations that provoke emotional chaos.
- Open Communication: Establish clear communication protocols and a legal parenting plan to mitigate manipulation.
While co-parenting may feel daunting, acceptance of the narcissist's traits can lead to a mindset shift that empowers you. Avoid emotional displays that may be exploited by the narcissist, and prioritize your child's well-being. Consider therapy to strengthen your resolve and equip yourself with techniques to manage interactions. Remember, narcissists thrive on control and manipulation, so setting firm boundaries is crucial. By adhering to these strategies, it is possible to navigate the complexities of co-parenting with a narcissistic parent, ensuring a healthier environment for your children.
What Does A Healthy Co-Parenting Relationship Look Like?
A healthy co-parenting relationship is built on mutual respect, clear communication, and the establishment of consistent rules regarding bedtime, schoolwork, screen time, and extracurricular activities. Both parents should also be knowledgeable about their child's medical needs. This ongoing process demands commitment and flexibility, focusing on the child's best interests. Research indicates that children benefit from consistent parenting across households, which enhances their overall well-being. Key traits of effective co-parenting include balanced responsibilities, cooperation, low conflict, and the ability to attend important events together while maintaining a positive atmosphere.
Setting clear intentions is essential, acknowledging the shift from an intimate relationship to a collaborative co-parenting partnership. Respecting boundaries, good communication, and prioritizing the child's needs help manage personal feelings during interactions. Successful co-parenting involves a deliberate effort to keep conversations centered on the child, showing mutual respect, punctuality, and maintaining a positive attitude toward the other parent. Parents can foster a supportive environment for their child by placing aside personal feelings and working together smoothly, emphasizing dedication and coordination in their efforts.
Can Co-Parenting Work While In A Relationship?
Co-parenting can be challenging, even if both parents are in new relationships. Regardless of the length of time since separation or divorce, interacting with a former partner can be difficult, but many parents find ways to make co-parenting successful. It’s crucial to adopt a positive approach when a new partner enters your child's life, as they may have a significant influence on your child's present and future.
To effectively co-parent while in a new relationship, planning, cooperation, and clear boundaries are essential. This article offers guidance on establishing this new dynamic. One major aspect is setting boundaries not just with the ex-partner but also with the new partner to ensure harmony in blended families. Maintaining a custody schedule is recommended to manage the children’s time effectively and respect the roles of both parents.
Co-parenting promotes strong relationships between children and both parents, contributing to their stability and continuity. Successful co-parenting is anchored in communication, respect, and established boundaries, prioritizing the children's well-being. While integrating new relationships and shared parenting may complicate matters, clear communication and careful planning can ensure that both aspects coexist and thrive. Ultimately, it is possible to maintain a fulfilling relationship while supporting a healthy co-parenting arrangement.
📹 Co-Parenting with a Difficult Personality – Mistakes People Make!
Mentalhealth #stephanielyncoaching #narcissisticabuse #emotionalabuse #selflove **** PROGRAMS ***** Self-Parenting Course …
The blessing is my kids are grown. But all the time they were growing up I didn’t really know what I was up against. Everything he could destroy about me he did. My kids saw a sad, depressed broken mom. Now as they are adults they are good people and I understand now that I did the best I could despite everything he tried to destroy me. I am extremely proud of the outcome. Some Days I look back and wonder how am I still here. I don’t really fight anymore unless it can hurt my kids well-being. My focus now is healing and rebuilding my self esteem.
Make the good fight, but definitely limit communication, document stuff and learn about counter parenting and parallel parenting. Just shut them down, don’t talk to them, only tell them the minimum. They will ramp up, but sometimes, eventually, they just get tired of it. Brings so much more peace during this ridiculous process.
Thanks for this Dr. Ramani. I worked quietly behind the scenes with my narc co-parent, writing the parenting agreement, filing it with the courts, attending classes at organizations for abused mothers, going to support groups, educating myself, etc. The co-parent was so ignorant of the process and disengaged when our child was a baby that he went along with everything. But, as our child got older, he started treating parenting like a competitive sport. He used our child as a pawn to feel like he was “winning” the parenting game. It was disgusting. He found every loophole in the law or the parenting agreement and manipulated it. I was often blind-sided. I don’t know how my son survived this, but he is ok as an adult. I am still deeply wounded by the projection, deception and rages of the narc parent and the need to be hyper-vigilant for 17 years. This information you’re providing is so vital. I wish I had known about the DEEP technique. Sometimes I used it intuitively. I use it all the time now.
This is quite eye opening. Yet, I simply cannot shake the fact of finding ways to “accept it”. For one, the legal system really need to educate themselves about this. How not being well versed about the various personalities and characters out there is not mandatory for any judge or legal representative, is mind-blowing to me. Especially those who are known to manufacture false narratives. Especially when there are children involved. For Gods sakes, how many children in the world are suffering through this? How can we as human beings living in a civilized society be ok with that? That is the part that clearly flies over my head. Playing this game of Monopoly with real life stakes, like the wellbeing of children and youth. On top of the emotional toll this has on a person. It’s not something to accept. ITs like asking you to be ok with this random person coming into your house on occasion, taking your stuff and just letting them, because, well, whatcha gonna do? It is what it is? No. I hear what you are saying. Yet, nothing will ever change if we just “accept it”. Some things in life are not to be accepted.
Left over two years ago and he didn’t fight for the kids 15 & 17. I stayed so long to avoid custody battles and it worked. He didn’t want to deal with them and wanted freedom. Saw them one day a week. I never opposed it. Slowly but surely he ruined his relationship with them. Gaslighting them, putting them in dangerous situations trying to be fun dad. Now 17 year old is no contact and 20 year old stays with him to save up to move out with her boyfriend but just tolerates his behaviour. They can’t help but be who they are and the kids figure it out.
Thank you so much for covering this. Such an important topic! There’s not nearly enough information and awareness out there of all of this. It wasn’t until it was way too late that I got to the point of understanding and radical acceptance of not just the co-parent I was dealing with but the system that fostered his smear campaign and lies to the massive detriment of not just me and my reputation but my ability to see my daughter at all. Be careful out there folks
0:00 Intro 1:18 Fighting for your children – the lion/lioness or bear/shark parent – don’t show the narcissist your hand 4:32 Fighting while depressed/have other MH struggles – the seemingly hopeless parent – please seek therapy and support 7:12 Fighting for justice – the make things “right” at any cost parent – may exhaust all resources without enough to show for it 9:40 Not fighting – the indifferent/karmatic parent – may have missed opportunities to help your children 11:02 Pick your battles – the strategic parent – planning, knowledgeable, realistic, has support/therapy/resources 12:53 Summary 14:50 Outro
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much – once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate – he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual – when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon – which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving – holding hands, hugging, kissing – but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair.
I wish I’d known this before I filed for divorce. I was functionally a single parent for the last decade of my marriage and he fought like h*** for the kids while illegally cutting my access to money to fight for them. Everything else I got though. So many years of tearing pain. Five years later, even the children he groomed against me know which parent is honest, living, committed, reliable, enjoys being with them, and will always show up for them. No one can take it that long.
If we could all just learn that wisdom is just learning to stop speaking, that being right doesnt matter, this narcissistic society we live in wouldnt be so bad. We have nothing to prove to anyone other than ourselves. Trying to prove our intetions locks us into the cycle of disfunction. This has taught me that theres a word for the behavior, it doesnt make it matter more than i can control. There is no middle ground with these folks every situation is a court of law. See through the societal bs and “do your best” and no more. Nothing is fair all the time. Be strategic yet realistic this is so difficult, thank you for your sharing of insight Doctor R. Stay well and keep plugging on people ! 🙏
Thank you for covering this topic. It is so important! For me, it is too late. I did not know what narcissism was. I am sharing yo Make others aware. I did not leave until my youngest was off to college, still not knowing what I was dealing with. I believe they use your kids against you even in the marriage and it ramps up if separation/divorce comes into play. My now adult children have all been turned against me and It affects the relationships I also want with my grands. Some of them never stop. He knows how much this means to me and it will never end. He does not care that my kids and grands are also hurt in the process. All that matters is his agenda. Please, please be aware!!
This is definitely very helpful, Dr. Ramani. I would like to believe I am at the strategic place of co-parenting. I had a very good lawyer who drafted a good divorce agreement for what is best for my children. Of course the Narcissistic ex-husband doesn’t always follow the rules or the law. I have come to accept this too. I struggle with finances at times but have been able to cover for my children and give help where the dad is failing. I know the situation will never be ideal but I think I have been able to strike a relatively good balance. Thank you for addressing this very important and pertinent topic. 🙏🌷
This man sent our daughter home twice sick! Coughing, sneezing, runny nose and she’s less that 2 years old without telling me prior to pickup. I said hey next time you should let me know when she’s sick, he said she wasn’t sick when she was here. Sir, you mean to tell me our 1 year old child got brutally sick with a fever in less than 30 minutes??? I refused to gaslighted
Thank you so much Dr. Ramani for another great article, there are so validating to my experience and give me faith and hope I can trust my instincts and myself again to go forward in life confidently and happily. And knowing any of us going through a break-up & co-parenting with a narcissist aren’t alone adds to this, my family and friends not in my inner-inner circle don’t get it, and see the charm around my ex. I’ve created distance and space from those who I don’t feel supported by, and kept those close that I do, these articles really help me gather my strength and resolve.
My daughter’s father moved to a nice middle class neighborhood about 40 minutes away from where I lived at the time he filed for full custody. About two years later he was awarded ZERO custody and therefore decided to move in to an RV park because he “couldn’t afford the (reasonable) support. He now owes $15,000+, fled the state”in fear of his life and estate” (he told our child some mean men from his past were after him, but told the cops he was running from the attorney generals office 😂). Now he “cant work” and harasses the OAG’s office over his “rights”😂 don’t get me started on his disorganized, dishonest, and illiterate court filings he’s been filing ever since the first judge saw through him. I’m both partially indifferent and the silent mother tigress who is prepared to expose him at every turn.
Hi Dr. Ramani….this article was so helpful for me. My grandkids are 2, 4 & 5. My daughter lives with me and the “X” does not. Thankfully, she is getting wonderful support from an excellent organization. Just had court 2 days ago. The “X” has the kids 3.5 days a week on a schedule determined by the court. He is already having a problem with it but it is court ordered which is what he wanted. He shows narcissist behaviors in a big way and also coercive control issues. The support organization will be helping her. Your article has been very helpful for me to understand this a little better. Thank you for sharing. Take care.
Ive refuse to go to court, I’ve refuse to do the child support thing. I just want to believe that a human who has a child should do those things because they WANT to. Why would I want someone who is being made to give my child money to eat, or made to be around my babies around. So what.. he can damage them even more .. like he has damaged me? He has taken my life! He can’t take my babies.. and I’m so tired so tired of taking the high road, fixing everything he wrongs when they return to me. Always trying to figure out how to take care of them while he gets to get up, worry about his self, buy and eat what’s he likes. Always trying to explain to my babies that their dad will say bad things about me, but that will never mean I would allow them to disrespect him. When he disappears I lie and tell my boys their dad is out of town.. but he returns and will belittle me, hit me bc I “lied to his kids”! Why would I tell them “the man you adore and call dad decided you weren’t enough! Decided to leave you bc .. why not? Little black boys already have such a huge fight ahead. They don’t need this as well! I feel so guilty ..so so guilty. Every second of everyday!
I don’t know if you read these, but I’m a man in a coparenting relationship with a narcissist woman – I have found that she uses man-narcissism tropes against me – articleing me against my knowledge and repeating “get out of my house” until cutting it off when I start to speak so it looks like I’m there against her will so she can take an abuse charge out on me. It’s been very confusing and because I am the man it has worked and inordinate amount of times that she tries to pull off that she is the harassed, the abused, instead of me. I’m starting to get the hang of it, but mostly that just means staying as far away as possible which is so difficult because I have a kid with her. But knowing these are bullying tricks and nothing more does help a little…
So right about not letting them know your weaknesses. I’m 9 yrs in and my ex just continues to be a complete B. Her weapon of choice of course is the kids, don’t ever let your guard down either. Just when you think your ex and you are good, you’re not, she’s just gathering info to use on you later. I guess she’s looking for that response from me, or a reaction. I choose to not engage anymore for my sanity, Let her say what she wants. Arguing is pointless.
What about the kids that are the pawns in this fight? Both my parents are narcissistic. They divorced when I was 14. They fought in front of me for a year before getting divorced. My father was forced to move out of the house into the backyard garage guest room. They sold the 5 bed 3 bath house near the beach in southern California. It was akin to perusal Camelot being burned down. I had anxiety and they ruined my high school years.
I have to tell you thank you so much for this article I am 100% the indifferent parent and have exhausted myself in fighting for a dad for my son that is there but also absolutely not there I have done so much research on narcissists since being a single mom at 5 months pregnant to now having a 3 year old son in 18 days and I have never heard such spot on helpful advice until this article Thank you!!!! 🙏
Co parenting with those 11 pages of behavioral agreements and a dispute resolution coordinator with the final decision making power for our.son and discretion forbilling the person who caused the problem saved my life. Worth every cent of settlement I gave up over the long term. It was the only way he could be held accountable for the ridiculous things he pulled. Having a lawyer with the decision power of a judge was worth it! What a mess!
The day of my custody hearing to visit my oldest son 3 days vs. 2 days I was in the vehicle with my significant other at the time and I received a phone call that MY MOTHER HUNG HERSELF, years later a man under the influence admitted to killing my biological mother. I could continue down the rabbit hole. I pray both my children are healthy, safe, and successful. I made a choice that the safety of my children was more important. My Boys will one day find me and I will be In a safer place mentally and emotionally. 🐛🦋😇
He would tell me “I don’t care about your money. It’s not that important to me.” Aaaww how sweet then BAM! Papers to my lawyer for child support when we have shared 50/50 custody. The amount was HUGE! I only made 10K more than him. I confronted him and he would shrug and say, “Let the lawyers work it out.” Acting like he had no control over his lawyer’s actions. Rinse and repeat this conflict through the entire divorce settlement. If you can get to strategic, it’s the most helpful for you.
Co-parenting with a narcissist means hell in the family for everyone. The manipulation and triangulation of kids is disgusting and eventually they’ll realize the bigger picture, noting the codependent parent and the fact they never truly stood up for them. It shows the kids are simply pawns to the narc, and expected to be little mini me’s of that parent. If you go off their preordained map for your life (which means, they get to dictate every single move you make), you might as well be an orphan (imo, being an orphan is preferred). I never felt genuine love from my narc mother. Never looked her in the eyes, never connected with her. I didn’t realize that was strange until my late 30’s.
Wait! 😢 You did it again. You didn’t go far enough! What about the parents who don’t get to “co-parent” at all? The malignant narcissist turned our own children against us in prep for the discard? Whoes children became our abusers too. who can”t “go on” living some other life Knowing now our babies grew up and still are living a lie! The parents who’ve been thrown out like trash and our children hate us blocked us, and we haven’t spoken in years. We’re so sad all the time missing them so terribly. But as we learned we have no hope to change this. What about us, Dr. Ramani? How’s this play out exactly? 😢 more of this same? How can alienated parents live?
По-разному проявляется СОВМЕСТНОЕ ВОСПИТАНИЕ с НАРЦИССОМ 00:06 Совместное воспитание детей с нарциссическими родителями • Видео обсуждает различные подходы к совместному воспитанию детей с нарциссическими родителями. • Нарциссические родители могут использовать детей как средство мести или контроля. 07:33 Борьба за опеку и несправедливость • Некоторые родители борются за справедливость и пытаются исправить несправедливость, связанную с опекой и финансами. • Это может быть изнурительным и отвлекающим, но важно продолжать бороться за свои права. 09:40 Безразличие и истощение • Безразличие может быть результатом истощения и усталости от борьбы за опеку. • Важно не упустить стратегические возможности и подготовиться к ним. 10:18 Разъяснение различных типов родителей • Видео начинается с объяснения различных типов родителей, которые могут столкнуться с нарциссическими отношениями. • Первая группа – это родители, которые небезразличны к своим детям, но испытывают скуку и ощущение бесполезности после долгих лет нарциссических отношений. • Вторая группа – это родители, которые смирились с тем, что ничего не могут сделать и страдают от депрессии и безнадежности. • Третья группа – это стратегические родители, которые понимают, что такое нарциссизм, и готовы к трудностям, связанным с судебными процессами и принятием решений об опеке. 11:34 Советы для родителей • Видео переходит к советам для родителей, которые хотят бороться за своих детей и свои права. • Важно выбрать свои битвы и быть готовыми к тому, что справедливость не всегда будет достигнута.
OH MY GOD, OH MY LORD. This is hell. I got so fed up of being accused things she was doing to me, I just kept quite becoz I was going mad with frustration. Nothing u say gets in her head, it just bounces off the forehead and I get some unrelated statements, blaming, victimhood, gaslighting etc. And back in circles u go again. I accidentally went Grey rock before even knowing what it was just to save my mental state. She upped the antics but I was done mentally. Just there for my kids. She found a new person this time a woman now over night she became a Bisexual. But she left the house with my kids. I threatened to take her to court and she will pay my lawyer fees . She quickly asked me when I want to see and take the kids 😂😂. If only i knew she was this cowardly. I would have saved years of my life. Only good thing out of this is my 2 under 10 years old daughters. Been together 18years she is 36 but never done an hr of paid work. The level of entitlement is just madness. She accused me of emotionally abusing her that made me almost get a heart attack. The very stuff she did to me. Oh LORD, help these ppl . I was excusing her behaviors all these years becoz she told me she was abused when she was a teenager. Now she tells me I can’t know where kids lives that I emotionally abused her buy stopping talking to her., I should pick kids from some near by shop. I know the new supply and where she/he works. Getting my boys to follow the new supply to the address next pick up I will just knock on the door where she is hiding.
I co parents with a narc. I’m very lost 15 years of this family is about to end me. I speak to my sister for an ear to listen. She’s so mean when I speak about what nasty thing they did next. She yells at me to make a new life leave your little girl are they worth it, I also have a 17 year old son. She went off why didn’t I do this how could you not do that to stop them. My house is in need of repair she’s a millionaire and says well you’ll figure it out. Then screams just make a new life Amy time to start over. I’m almost a year into a new job I grieve alone obviously, I work hard and see my kids 46 days a year. I’m sad I’ve been pathologically abused, depressed, and the emotional stress caused me to have celiac disease, seining poisoning, whooping cough, heart problems, and more. No one will treat me with any love or empathy I’m so alone. Am I the asshole?
I have 3 kids, my oldest was born before I met my narcissistic ex husband. My eldest’s dad was never in the picture, regardless, my ex husband insisted on being dad. We were together 10 years. During the time we got divorced, we only had one child of the marriage (I was still pregnant with #3) and custody was awarded in accordance. For some period of time he would see the two older kids at all his visits. The baby was born and I was awarded full custody, he did not want any visitation with the baby. He also started refusing to see our oldest. Now my oldest and my baby are heartbroken all the time because he still tries to see their sister. Idk what to do. I stopped allowing visits for now, I expect he’ll take me to court soon.
Divorced my ex when children were 17 and 19. Thought I’d given them a good grounding, they were both at University doing degrees and bobbing along. Fast forward a few years my son aged 24 threw himself off the Tyne Bridge. One of his greatest fears ‘I don’t want to grow up to be a dickhead like my Dad’ as well as betrayal by a loose girlfriend. Horrendously my remaining daughter who became Head of a Comprehensive School did grow up to be a dickhead like her Dad. She began to copy her father’s narc tactics and demeaning behaviour towards me as well as teaching her 3 children to treat me with contempt. First words I heard my first grand-daughter utter under knitted brows and a scowling face ‘NAUGHTY NANA!”, she was 12 months and I’d only seen her twice before so guess who was teaching her that script. After 17 years of this garbage, for my own health, I cut her and her family off completely, that was 8 years ago. The relief was palpable. Children don’t go unscathed, get out as soon as you can and live your best life. PS: In 25 years my ex gave me 2 compliments as we were splitting up 1. You’re a canny looking woman FOR YOUR AGE!!! and 2. YOU’ve done a bloody good job of bringing the kids up. Thought I had 2 but I had 3 and he was the errant one. Very sad outcome.
I’m in this boat and have largely strategically won . My children are now older, two of them are not with men as adults they are estranged . One of which is autistic and the other a step . My two younger children and I live together and went no contact with their mother The key was two fold . Refusal to engage in court but threaten it but make it clear it will cost her thirty thousand Love my kids wholly and completely . The kids openly told her no contact and live with me I paid a penalty of false allegations and legal pains . Ultimately my kids are with me
I have made a mistake to tell him I am going to fight for the custody and he is a narcissistic lawyer. So…. you can imagine. I was frágil while I was inside the house and my teens already chosen him, because he is the Park theme father and is already alienating my kids from me. I am completely broken. But now I have no other option than to fight😢 and fight and fight 😢
There was no coparenting with my narcissistic other half thank God I never married him. We were together three years when he found out I was pregnant. He said I’ll buy you a brand new Harley if you get an abortion…. I said don’t ever speak that word to me again I had been trying 10 years to get pregnant. I’ve had two miscarriages. How dare you after she was born he told me I don’t want to be domesticated whatever that meant and he left leaving me to raise my child alone when I asked for help in the form of child support he said I didn’t ask for that kid so I don’t have to pay you anything… I moved to states away, and then he threatened to take me to court to get custody… all he wanted was control not my child and yes she’s mine not his he had no right after what he said to me to even claim to be a father, so I didn’t even bother to put him on the birth certificate… I raised her alone two years later I got pregnant on purpose because the doctor told me I have a lot of scar tissue and I may not be able to have another child so I slept with someone to get my son. I never asked him for child support either I raised them both alone and took care of both of them their whole lives. My daughter is now a graduate of college and my son works six days a week they’re both in their early 30s. I had enough of that narcissist for three years. I hope he’s happy wherever he is…. But I know the woman he’s with is miserable.😂
Dr, i pray for u & the folks u help (like me) because in my fight (& i think i’m at that Strategic stage, thanks to you and other therapists out there)… true Justice will come through God, Who really does see all. Those devastating backhanded comments?! Those insidious gaslit moments where we’re left questioning WTF did i NOW do (& the answer is, “Actually, NOTHING!!!”)…Those 48hour fights where you didn’t even look your kid in the eye because the behind-closed-door beratings left you too humiliated to raise your head? …. yeah, God catches all that, and He’ll throw it right back in the perpetrator’s face. Prayer was what kept me going til Prayer finally said, “Mmmkay, you did ENOUGH…” // Now i am praying for the day i can ask St. Paul, ” Dude, WTF were you thinking with Roman 16:11?! ” and there is NO JEST in my prayer.
How about the father abandoning them with mother, paying zero child support, remarrying and messaging and calling them on and off and manipulating facts and once the boys grow up, suddenly show interest in them as they are source of power for them now, all the hard years gone now, now they would feed them with all their twisted lies and convince them that it was their mother’s fault all along. What can a mother do? Would children fall for such manipulation??
Wow, super helpful. Do you have a article on explaining about a narcissistic extortion your child in age-appropriate ways? I have never called out my ex to my now 17-y-o daughter, didn’t want to cause alienation etc, BUT I’m now worried I should have said something. So she can spot those tactics in his dealings with her, and so she can spot them coming from others. Thanks!
I had a friend as a kid who had a narcissistic father. His parents were divorced, and I would often see them when the dad got to have him on weekends. My friend had hyperactivity issues, and his narcissistic father would use those behavioral problems as an excuse for why he would be so verbally abusive and why he would constantly bail on fun plans. His dad also loved to disparage about how unfair his ex-wife was. Later on, I found out the dad used to deliberately withhold my friend’s ADD meds when it was time to return him to his mom.
I have another question, Dr. Ramani. What if you are in love with an enabler to some narcissists? He can even be a flying monkey for them at key moments of extreme stress in the system. I don’t want to leave him. How do I cope with his clear allegiance to the narcissists over me. I have tried to get him to see them as narcissists, but that has not ever worked. Any advice from you would be appreciated. Oh, and I wanted to say that it is embarrassing to be with an enabler/flying monkey. I feel people think I am part of that, but I am not. I am standing my ground with the narcissist and even taking bad attitude from my own husband. People do not realize it, though. It leaves me without any support system.
Can a person with Asperger’s syndrome also be a narcissist? My ex husband never took an interest in our son, especially when he was a baby, toddler, up until our son was in his last year in high school. My ex was diagnosed with ASD/Asperger’s when we went to the last of 5 marriage counselors my ex is a very manipulative person that has to be right about everything and needs to feel like he is on the top of the winners circle when is comes to conflict.
Hi Dr. Ramani. Is is possible for a narcissistic mom to dislike the child who is the most like her because she has so much shame about herself. I was the scapegoat for my mom. I’m a lot like her. Not that I am a narcissist, but I excelled in the same areas in life as she did. I always felt we would one day bond over it, but we never did. She just tried harder and harder to gaslight me. I do know that since I thought like her I didn’t fall for a lot of her manipulation. I could see it clearly from beginning to end like a formula. I would not respond the way she wanted. But we had so much in common that I still find it shocking that she could not have any bond with me.
He got 90% custody and took over homeschool. All because he has manipulated my kids to see me as mentally ill and to blame for our divorce. Heartbreaking, but to minimize my kids abuse, I backed off, I reach out minimally and give them space. I can’t stand the injustice of it all, but I am praying God opens the kid’s eyes. I will not contribute to their injury, but try and be myself, love them and encourage them in their lives. I never give my ex ammunition to continue the narrative that he can use against me. He only cares about himself and to the outside world, says he is a single dad, boo hoo, it is sick. He will not be held accountable to homsechool, I don’t have access to attendance and grades. He says he asks every day if school was done, that is not homeschool. So frustrating seeing my kids used and affecting their education and future
And once the mistake is made to fall into the fighting parent trap it’s over they now know especially if it’s a male fighting for 50/50 you are doomed You usually only have once chance at a lot of things dealing with a person with NPD I made the mistakes and still paying the price almost two years later Take this advice seriously
Dr. Ramani, as much as I respect you, are you kidding right now???!!! Mothers value their children above their own lives. Mothers don’t need to tell narcissistic fathers how to hurt them (the mothers). It is common knowledge that being a mother is baked into our DNA. And narcissistic fathers are delighted to set out to destroy mothers by taking away their children. Kindly STOP blaming the mothers, who are victims (as are the children). We can’t “play it cool” and pretend that our children are not the most important things in our lives. THIS IS NOT A THING!!! Are we supposed to feign indifference? No. Just No.
I’m in this right now. After 2 years I see no end. I am ashamed to admit, that a couple weeks ago I started to contemplate giving my child up completly to him. I don’t know how much I can take anymore, I have reached my limit and have been left really weak after soooo many blows, manipulation, isolation and cruelty. I think he won’t stop to punish me until I die. Your articles have been a light on really dark moments, thank you Dr. Ramani, from the botton of this shatered heart ❤️🩹