In a relationship with an avoidant partner, it is crucial to be patient and provide a secure environment. Avoidant partners may pull away, pursuing them, and may seek a sense of security. To help them feel safe, communicate with empathy, use “I” statements, and avoid blaming and criticism. Active listening without judgment, personalizing what you hear, or defensively planning your response can help. Listening to understand can help build intimacy in the relationship and close the emotional distance between you two.
Psychologists from China have conducted studies to discover that avoidant individuals can still have healthy and intimate relationships. By understanding the nature of dismissive avoidant personalities, the challenges they present during conflicts, and five effective strategies to help stay connected during disagreements, you can better understand and cope with an avoidant partner.
In the early stages of rebuilding a relationship with an avoidant partner, it is essential to avoid chasing, avoid criticizing, and be aware of your assumptions. Gaining an understanding of avoidant attachment and understanding their behavior can help foster deeper emotional connections. Soften your communication by downplaying the seriousness of the problem, naming your partner’s positive qualities and behaviors, and validating their communication. Active listening without judgment, personalizing what you hear, or defensively can go a long way in improving a relationship and reducing emotional distance. Expressing your needs in a straightforward manner without adding emotional pressure can help maintain a healthy and intimate relationship.
| Article | Description | Site |
|---|---|---|
| How to Cope With a Dismissive-Avoidant Partner | 10 ways to improve a relationship with an avoidant partner. · 1. Don’t chase. · 2. Avoid criticizing. · 3. Be aware of your assumptions and … | psychologytoday.com |
| How to make a dismissive avoidant show his feelings or … | Gain an understanding about what Avoidant attachment is and understand the reason for why they behave the way they do. If you want them to spend … | quora.com |
| Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style: Strategies for … | Deeper emotional connections can be fostered by dismissive avoidant individuals when they progressively open up about their feelings and needs. | bayareacbtcenter.com |
📹 How To Talk To A Fearful Or Dismissive Avoidant (When They’re Stonewalling) Attachment Styles
In this video I talk about how to communicate with the dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant when they are stonewalling. Want to …
How Do You Deal With A Dismissive Avoidant Partner?
Respecting a dismissive avoidant partner's need for self-reliance is crucial for a healthy relationship. Appreciating their strengths and supporting their interests without imposing promotes independence while nurturing the bond. Patience is key; change takes time. Many may experience loneliness with a dismissive-avoidant partner, but acknowledging these feelings is essential. Understanding your attachment style is the first step; secure attachment makes communication easier.
Relationships with avoidantly attached individuals can be challenging, leading to heartbreak. Coping strategies include using "I" statements during conflict, avoiding emotional triggers, and fostering a sense of safety. Dismissive-avoidant partners often prioritize self-sufficiency, making it tough to open up. Mindfully navigating this requires respecting their space, building trust, and maintaining healthy boundaries. Celebrate their vulnerabilities, no matter how small.
Strategies for a fulfilling relationship include researching attachment styles, prioritizing open communication, being patient, and setting clear boundaries. If issues persist, calmly communicate your needs without complaints. Ultimately, backing away to give them space can allow for reconnection and healing in the relationship.
How Do You Foster A Fulfilling Relationship With Dismissive Avoidant Individuals?
To foster a fulfilling relationship with individuals exhibiting a dismissive avoidant attachment style, essential strategies include honest communication, respecting boundaries, providing non-pressuring support, and promoting personal growth and self-awareness. This attachment style is often likened to a fortress, making it crucial to understand its dynamics for cultivating a healthy connection. By acknowledging the needs and behaviors inherent to this style, partners can navigate misunderstandings and avoid emotional distress.
Establishing a safe environment for communication is vital, where trust is built, allowing feelings to be expressed without fear. Partners can learn to manage their expectations and be patient, as dismissive avoidants may require time to open up. Rooted in early experiences, dismissive avoidant behaviors can be transformed through consistent strategies that nurture understanding and empathy. Techniques such as creating safe spaces, encouraging open communication, and considering therapy can help partners develop healthier patterns, ultimately leading to more secure and fulfilling relationships. By applying these strategies, dismissive avoidants can improve their relationships and self-image.
What Is Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment?
Dismissive-avoidant attachment, often referred to simply as "avoidant," can vary from mild to severe across different relationships and can change over time. This attachment style is characterized by a tendency to avoid emotional connection and intimacy, often as a protective mechanism against potential hurt or rejection. Individuals with this style may not seek close relationships and may actively reject them, emphasizing their independence and valuing personal space.
Unlike anxious attachment, which craves closeness, dismissive-avoidant individuals distance themselves from emotional intimacy and feel suffocated by vulnerability. Their attachment patterns often stem from early life experiences where they learned to suppress their need for comfort from caregivers. This attachment style manifests in hesitance to embrace partners or engage in deep emotional exchanges. People with dismissive-avoidant attachment maintain emotional distance and exhibit a positive self-image often coupled with a negative view of others.
They may struggle to form and sustain emotional bonds, impacting their relationships with partners, family, and friends. Understanding and recognizing the traits and causes of dismissive-avoidant attachment can help manage its effects, including addressing challenges in romantic relationships and determining effective coping strategies.
Does Your Partner Have A Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style?
Dismissive-avoidant attachment styles often stem from childhood experiences and lead to challenges in adult relationships. These individuals tend to avoid emotional intimacy and connection, displaying a preference for independence and personal space. It’s crucial to understand their tendencies and not chase after them when they withdraw, as this can exacerbate their need for distance. Recognizing and respecting their boundaries is essential. Attachment styles can generally be classified into four categories: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissing-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant.
Dismissive-avoidant individuals often exhibit aloofness, resist commitments, and struggle with long-term plans or discussions about the future. They generally hold an inflated self-view while perceiving others negatively, leading them to avoid emotional closeness. Although they may desire support, it’s vital for them to cultivate internal security about their relationship worthiness. If you’re involved with a partner with this attachment style, focusing on mindfulness and empathy can help bridge the emotional gap and promote healthier connections. Understanding the foundations and characteristics of dismissive-avoidant attachment is a key step in enhancing relationship intimacy and reducing emotional distance.
What Does A Dismissive-Avoidant Relationship Feel Like?
Navigating a relationship with a dismissive-avoidant partner can be challenging and emotionally taxing, particularly for individuals with an anxious attachment style. These relationships often feel distant, tentative, and frustrating, leaving partners feeling lonely and undervalued. Dismissive-avoidant individuals, though desiring healthy connections, experience emotional moments with fear and discomfort, leading to cold and distant interactions. They prioritize independence over intimacy, struggling to trust or engage closely with others.
Understanding their emotional landscape is essential, as it requires patience and empathy for them to open up. The fear of intimacy often stems from past experiences with emotionally distant caregivers, making it difficult to forge deep connections. Dismissive-avoidants tend to misinterpret love as vulnerability and may react by withdrawing at emotional peaks, prompting anxious partners to seek closeness more fervently, which can complicate matters.
Rebuilding relationships with dismissive-avoidant partners necessitates a structured approach, focusing on creating stability and support, as these partners may experience emotional turmoil despite appearing unfeeling. With appropriate strategies and understanding, it is possible to navigate the complexities of such relationships while fostering emotional closeness and connection.
Can Couples Counseling Help A Dismissive Avoidant Partner?
Couple's counseling is not exclusively for troubled relationships; it serves as a valuable tool for enhancing intimacy at any stage. Finding a therapist skilled in attachment therapy can be particularly beneficial. When dealing with a dismissively avoidant partner, giving them space is crucial. Pursuing them often leads to further withdrawal, so it's essential to allow them room while reassuring them they are welcome upon their return. Patience is vital since meaningful change takes time.
Therapy—whether individual or couples—can be advantageous for those exhibiting signs of avoidant attachment. It fosters understanding and paves the way toward secure relationships. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can significantly aid in communication, helping both partners comprehend and navigate their emotions. Couples therapy also provides a safe environment for avoidantly attached individuals to express themselves. Such therapeutic settings can address attachment insecurities by setting reasonable boundaries and improving emotional connections.
While avoidants may seek independence, therapy can enhance emotional maturity and resilience. In cases where one or both partners possess a dismissive avoidant attachment style, EFT can help shift interaction patterns to foster a healthier dynamic. Healing avoidant attachment requires time and effort, but with the right therapeutic support, it is achievable.
📹 How To Save a Relationship With A Female Dismissive Avoidant Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
In this video I discuss strategies to repair a relationship with a Dismissive avoidant female! — What are Dismissive Avoidants & the …
Script for reference: I can feel that you are shutting me out right now. And I totally want to respect your time and space, in order to process what you are experiencing. But at the same time I want you to know that if you stay in a mode of stonewalling me, we’re not going to get the opportunity to get to the root of what the problem is, and then I’m not going to be able to understand what is going on and solve it with you. I would love if you could hear me out as well, and to hear you out too, so I can also meet your needs. Please think about this and let me know if there is a time you feel comfortable to openly communicate about this. And if you are open to doing that, I am happy to respect, hear and understand what’s going on for you emotionally, and what you need going forward that caused this pain, as long as you are also willing to do the same for me. Let’s approach it from a really respectful and empowering place. I feel I can do that, let me know when you are ready too.
Thank you. As an FA, I stonewall because I am in a “freeze” state, trying to manage my feelings on my own, too scared that if I express them I will cause anger or deal with the pain of being misunderstood. It’s old programming, and even though I am surrounded by loving people, I can still get triggered. Personally, if someone said this script (or something similar) it would feel amazing because they would be both validating my reality and respecting my boundaries- a magic combination!
I’ve been trying these techniques, non violent, I statements, focusing on how things make me feel vs assuming, naming or blaming. I’ve tried these for years with my sisters, with whom we all came from a complex trauma home and they simply don’t work. The approach of open communication doesn’t work for individuals who feel threatened simply by the confrontation itself, of the conversation. It has felt to me like many people are so accustomed to indirect, implied, passive aggressive, assumptive communication that the act alone of attempting this asking for what you need, expressing sincerity…it has usually been met with an additional fight. I can’t change an emotionally unhealthy person’s mind set, by my willful act alone. If they believe they wronged or in the right or slighted in any way, it’s impossible to communicate my side in the first place.
Thais! The intro, I’m crying. “When you clean up the abandonment wound it’s easier to leave an unhealthy relationship” I’ve never thought of myself as someone with an ‘abandonment wound’, but I have always known myself as someone who bends over backwards and makes excuses and FEARS what might happen if I set boundaries and maybe the person decides I’m not worth considering anymore. I’m always trying to be convenient- and thats from fear and a lack of faith in myself. .. So I needed to hear that. Not that it really matters but he’s DA and I’m FA
My ex-boyfriend was avoidant and it was impossible to know what his reality was. I had to spell out to him “I welcome the truth. I’m passionate and interested in your reality. I will make an effort to hear you. You are safe.” He could not communicate his boundaries which led him to ghost me eventually because he had suffocated himself. People like this need so much reassurance, otherwise they deceive you with agreeableness. Sad.
There is a simple solution for every single attachment style, and that’s self love. When you love yourself, you have a different mindset, and you automatically know what do to that’s best for you. Some people simply don’t change, at least can’t be changed by other people, they have to make changes themselves. Sometimes in life you just have to let go, instead of over-analyzing every little thing the other person does or doesn’t do. Accept people for who they are, accept YOURSELF for who you are, if you’re meant to be it wouldn’t be this difficult.
As an FA myself who’s going hard to do all my healing work, when do we stop babying this behavior? Why can’t they see that these things only ruin their good relationships and push away the people who love them the most? Aren’t they tired of repeating the same patterns and getting nowhere? As damaged as I was, I never put anybody through the torture of stonewalling and I’m no longer going to try sweet talk my way out of it happening to me. If they want to be alone and/or in and out of meaningless relationships for the rest of their lives, let them have it.
Hello all. I am FA, and I disagree with Thais. No, it is our responsibility to tell our loved ones if we are feeling like this. What I would say to my BF or a family member or a friend is “I am not feeling good, you cannot make it better, I know you love me and want to help me, and I want to make clear I love you too. I just think I am not good company and it will take me some days, maybe weeks to feel better. I care about you and I am sorry right now I cannot be in touch with you the way you want/need. But I will be back very soon. I love you and I will contact as soon as I feel better.”
I just learned yesterday that I’m an Anxious Preoccupied type with a Dismissive Avoidant. We relate to each other just as you’d expect from this combination. As a man, it’s a weird position to be in because I’m “supposed to be” more dismissive and avoidant. I’m now educating myself on how to deal with her, IF she wants to put in the work to save this relationship. Yesterday was a lightbulb moment. . .thank, God.
You’re so good at breaking this down!! I’ve been in therapy for my own personal growth. My x said no to therapy and he needs it more than I did. Long story short… I want him to watch these so bad because I still love him and although I left, I had to… I still love him and I know we can be a great couple if we just knew this information. Thank you. I’ll get him to at least watch these eventually. I’m still on my personal growth mission so I’m not going back to his shit anytime soon… not till he puts in the work too.
I’ve just moved in with my DA-partner. This new commitment to live together has made us both a bit anxious (I am recovering FA) and he recently had a bit of a avoidant panic attack, shutting me out, because he explained he associates intimate connections with past experiences of being overwhelmed, smothered, lose his individuality. He asked me to please be more open about myself, but I feel so emotional that I need time to digest my thoughts/feelings, and so effective communication between us is really important right now. Thank you for these articles! I recently got a membership and will look at the scripts.
The one thing that this article has helped me with is getting off the ledge of writing all the letters where I talk about being so wounded by getting dumped and discarded… and now the silent treatment. It’s been about three weeks since the faiful text ( after 18 months)… and I had nothing but upset about it,… this helped me,… I really don’t want her back, but I quite dislike ending on bad & hurt terms. Very good food for thought,… thanks…
Thais, I found this one by fluke, and had missed it even during my absolute soak up all your vids part of the process! This is brilliant and im sorry i missed it before, quality intuitions into the minds of the FA and enabling those that Love an FA to engage more empathically. Some of the comments below regarding sounds like walking on eggshells etc I can understand but like you say, love conquers all and if the FA we love is to heal, long term commitment to the relationship with them is as essential to their growth as it is to our own understandings of others. We can only gain not lose in the path to increased understanding of everyone we love. Brilliant as always, you are divine being, keep shining! x
The needle moving. This week we communicated finally and I found out she is going to therapy and acknowledged she never thought to work on her relationship and intimacy issues until now. I’ve also learned that while I have worked towards being more securely attached, my unhealthy attachment is FA and interacting with my FA brings that back out. It’s very challenging. We went on 2 dates and we’ve been going through this for the last 6 weeks. Hard not to think I’m being strung along. But I don’t believe she has malicious intent in the least.
This is the article I need right now 😅 I was ready to say some things when my ex will pop up next time (he stopped replaying to easy messages but at the same time pops up searching for me where he knows he can find me and acts affectionate and opens up a bit again) but they sounded a bit too pushy and too strong for his temperament…even though I’m an FA too, that speech I was ready to give is something I can handle,but he can’t and would probably push him more far away; this way you are showing sounds much more appropriate, because after all we are on the same team and we still care a lot about each other but he is going through a really hard time, both understanding himself through therapy, and dealing with a stressful family situation. Thanks!
I just feel so shitty. At first I felt better finding your articles because I understand but factually speaking, im not a “secure” type but I overcorrected so much I know for a fact I didn’t do anything to deserve being stonewalled right after cuddles, emergency room for 2 days, any of it. It’s not right. I just want to feel better. I dont want this. Its not right and tired of being penalized for existing with love.
well, but you can only try to say these things when your DA is in a good mood. and you can ruin this good mood within seconds. so for me this doesnt work at all. not a single bit. and if the DA listens, then he still gives only one word answers or even has the audacity to ask me if im finished with talking so that we can end communicating now. and when i would say words like ‘respect’ ‘chance’ ‘why’ ‘please’ the DA gets triggered and pushes you away, as always… a DA would never givt reassurance for anything, and the moment you demand it, the DA pushes you away.
But what if my DA doesn’t even acknowledge that they’re stonewalling me, let alone that there’s an issue they’re going through? Whenever I try to gently approach the topic, I always get a ‘There’s nothing wrong, everything is good’ and there no change in behaviour. I feel like as soon as I try to bring it up and form a conversation around it, I’m shut down immediately.
I keep getting put on a shelve regularly, usually after we met. Then he takes space to miss me again. Saw each other the weekend before the last one on a Sunday, and he didbt talk to me since. We planed on being together… Super strange behavior. Very introverted and hot and cold behavior. He can’t stay away from me but didn’t commit yet. No idea what to do with him. I’m very open with my emotions and feelings. And I am not hanging on to negative feelings for long, but I’m anxious when I don’t hear from him, and it bothers me… I wish I knew how to get him out of his zone before its too late. I know he loves me…
It requires sooooo much work and patience to keep a relationship with a personal avoidant alive. And not only that, but 1) you will get very little in return and 2) you will be crucified as soon as you make the slightest of mistake. They are absolutely exhausting and totally not worth it. Don’t waste your time, effort and love and find someone deserving of your passion who will enjoy and celebrate you, the same way you enjoy and celebrate them.
Thank you so much Thais this is exactly where I am at ! When we dated 3 years ago I didn’t know he was a Da,now that I do I’ve realized this is the pattern after we have been together, it’s a lot but I do care and I try to remember it’s not their fault we all have / had issues and we wanted someone to understand ! Appreciate you 🙏🏾♥️
I feel that I have tried to approach the conversations in the ways that you express in this article. It doesn’t seem to go anywhere even when I express how I am affected by their actions. This has been going on for years and it really never comes to a conclusion in the end besides ignoring it until it goes away or comes up again. They feel the need to go as far as saying “what is there to resolve?” I am just not sure how else to get across to them that I care about what they think and say and end up having conversations with myself. I rarely ever feel like the issue has been resolved unless I let it go.
As a dismissive- leaning FA it’s unfortunate that there’s so much resentment towards us from so many of the people we date. Most of the time it’s simple misunderstandings that go unresolved because of my partner’s unwillingness to communicate the boundaries they have. They betray themselves by not standing up for themselves, by bottling the things that bother them, and end up resenting me for not meeting non-communicated needs. In my most recent relationship, I would ask directly what she would like to see from me that she isn’t getting, and she would flat out refuse to say it, because “I should know how to be a good boyfriend without me having to tell you” etc. I’d shut down and withdraw because I couldn’t deal with the feelings of not being enough, or not being good in relationships, etc when the reality is that, while I’m not perfect, I gave her so much information about me; I wanted to be an open book for a change. She is mostly an anxious FA, and she is very good at showing up for everyone but herself. I think she viewed her needs and boundaries as a burden on others, or that it was unsafe to express them without people leaving or getting upset with her. Idk. Anyway, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy where, because I’m pretty good at expressing my needs and boundaries, she was given the tools to better deal with me and therefore was seemingly great at meeting my needs. But she never gave me the tools necessary to be a better partner to her… she forced me to fire shots in the dark until I hit something, and made me feel awful when they wouldn’t land, for not intuitively “knowing her”.
I have been trying to apologize for something I did to my ex. I want to give an honest apology but when I just tried in a heartfelt email he (FA/DA) lashed out at me and it was horrible. I know this says nothing about me, but it’s like it robbed me of my original intention which was to offer a sincere apolgy – really triggered me in my narc mother even though he is not abusive. I want to apologize for me and him. to clean my own slate to move on. But, this is just awful this stonewalling.
Ok so my DA partner stonewalls me and when I do what you’re saying, he doesn’t agree because he believes that he is able to meet his own needs and process whatever he is going through on his own and he doesn’t need my help with it. The only thing he wants from me is to leave him alone. It is so frustrating and it leaves me with unmet needs for connection.
2 months ago ended my relationship with my DA (I’m AP) and I want to be clear: they don’t think to have a problem,they don’t admitt who they are..I’m sorry, it’s useless. Everytime I felt he was strange he always used to respond “No,everything is ok, you overthink” . I tried for MONTHS to understand why he didn’t want to have sex anymore (which has always been rare) and he always said he was just tired, but then I discovered he wanted to do cybersex with cam girls. I had enough..enough humiliation,low self steem..and pain. Never again.
I’m at the point where being sweet and understanding isn’t working. We’re going months on end with no constructive communication and responsibilities are falling by the wayside. I’m the only one trying to reach out and fix things and trying to communicate. So now I’m going to do the “this shit is pissing me the fuck off” ultimatum approach.
I get told me reassuring her, complimenting her, honouring her when she has seen i need her to lean in in that moment etc – she hates it and hates that i do it. I explain my needs and how im trying to heal and process things by guving her space etc and now im telling her what shes not doing and yet that is exactly what im Not doing but as usual it gets turned into me attacking her for expressing what i need. Its like being a lure on a fishing line 😔😔
it all depends who’s making this statement. if this person is someone who lost your trust anymore or know they’re functioning on a pretentious state. goodluck getting my attention. There’s like a timeline when a person has a chance to communicate and when it’s over unfortunately it’s over they can earn the trust but the flame has gone out
If someone has an avoidant attachment style, just get rid of them. Yeah, there’s tons of coaching out there about how to make relationships work with these types, but unless you want to do 100% of the emotional and mental labor of your partnership 100% of the time, just get out. Who the hell wants that kind of imbalance, especially knowing it NEVER goes away?
Right, people say comments like you can just say ” oh? They are dismissive avoidant, I’m good on dating them.I’ll find someone new.” Like it’s that easy, what if this was the love of your life? Could you just say it’s like walking on eggshells and I’m exhausted? You gotta think about it from all angles.
Ive tried so many times all of what u say…for the anxious yes its extremely painful/devaluing & triggering all of my trauma/ abandonment wounds…then when i finally react through this, he says i trigger him!! Sometimes i feel he is using me.. taking my vulnerability for granted….waiting tillnhes ready to come around… i just feel like im bashing my head against a brick wall!! Selfish!! Then when ive finally reacted & had enough…im to blame!! Wtf!!! ??? Then he ends it….only to come back around when hes ready again & says he will try, but the first sign of any trigger for him….instead of understanding eachother…working through it together…he doesnt ….& the same cycle begins…..im guessing i have to find the inner strength to finalise it & walk away😢 I’m working on my wounds…why does the avoidant not seek help for their wounds/pain?? So demoralising…when it could be so easy…what about their partners pain??? Not just acting on their own & stonewalling & abandoning them!!
I screwed up really bad. Went into full on AP Crazy mode w the FA I was seeing over his stonewalling. I feel like every wound I have is triggered. I blew up his phone. Messaged from a fake number and even messaged his ex. I am so HURT by his refusal to talk and I am a mess from this. Someone help. So far I have made a fool of myself and can’t seem to get myself under control. He’s half aware of his problems but 4 break ups in 11 months and he’s stonewalled for a month at a time. Everything was great then implodes. I just dont understand it
I’ve tried innumerable times, being kind and gentle just so we can communicate and talk about the problems that are literally killing our relationship. To try and help solve them to talk about them but no. Instead he’s rude to me, gets angry at me, blames me for things I don’t cause and uses the problems I think i have that I told him when I was vulnerable against me to pin me as crazy. The relationship is so exhausting, if not actually toxic because I am both mentally and physically sick because of it. Idk what to do, it’s hard for me to break up because I’m trauma bonded to this guy that I know is bad for me and would never learn from his mistakes and take whatever I say as an insult no matter how kind and gentle my words, tone and intentions are. Idk what to do. Anyone, please help 🙏🏻
Sent this via text. Was this too much?? Erica, I honestly and truly appreciate how much you extended yourself and let me into your life. I know that’s not easy for you. I really do. If it’s more than you wanted to, thank you for trying so hard and I’m sorry it came at such a high cost for you. Your perspective is valid and deserves to be heard. You’re going through a lot being back home and I don’t want to add to that. I just want to clear the air because I feel like I’m losing you. I just want to know what is going on. I want to know how I can help you and not be a burden. You needed a break from me and I understand that this is how you self calibrate. Youre trying to protect yourself and I get that. It hurts though being ignored. Please, don’t feel guilty or afraid. I’m not going to shame you. I truly want to understand to be there in the way that you need. But I need you to know what it is like for me too. I don’t want to resent you. I know we don’t deal with things the same way and that’s okay. I know youre hurting somehow, but not totally. I want to be on the same page. Please communicate with me. I care about you and you have been great for me. I hope i have been good for you too. If I haven’t you can let me know and it’s something I want to know. I just need communication please. I’m sorry if this is triggering or makes you feel guilty. That is not my intent.
How long do I wait. I think this is me. Im anxious and I think my GF is DA although she’s not interested in looking into attachment styles much. Based on her behavior though it’s safe to say. THe problem is, just like this article she’s completing stonewalling me. I know almost nothing about her past or relationships. She talks to her friends about things but just tells me I need to respect that she is private and she says she doesn’t trust me (i read: feel comfortable talking to me) I’ve told her that i respect her boundaries and to talk to me when the time is right but its been nearly 6 months now and still nothing. SHe has a hard time reciprocating her feelings back verbally, and my love language is words of affirmation. Her’s def is not. I tell her I miss her, how much I like her, how pretty she is etc, and she shuts down. She doesn’t feel comfortable with compliments and gets angry at me when I do, and she gives me no validation back even though i’ve both asked for it and hinted at needing/ wanting it. I really want the relationship to work and I really like her but I don’t know if it can when she doesn’t trust me, even though i’ve never done anything to lose her trust or show that im not worthy of it.
Ughh I’m so sick.. I’ve already been stonewalled and ignored and blocked 🙁 think I’m too far past this stage 🙁 it didn’t help that he lives long distance from me 🙁 so it was easy for him to just block me out of his life… These people I feel are really toxic and I don’t think this society does a good job of like thinking it’s okay for people to be this way. Because it’s REALLY not. If a relationship is going to work, it takes Two people who are willing to communicate. If you lack that ability, I do believe you need to go back to kindergarten where they can teach you the basic skills of how to deal with your emotions. Of course our school system is fucked, so how would they have learned? I think this needs to change. We need to heal this world and it starts with teaching kids at a young age. Adults are carrying around childhood wounds and it is not okay. I will not tolerate putting up with people like this anymore! Haha I’ve dealt with an ex for TWO whole years, playing the game of walking of eggshells being afraid to ever speak up because I was a afraid of how he would react( shutting down blocking me and doing all this stuff like banging other girls just to get over the feelings he had.) This was so unhealthy and it’s def taken a toll on my life. The best advice I can give is avoid these individuals all together haha!! Not that there hopeless but like it will definitely take so much work and hard dedication and a fair amount of your soul being sucked, only for the end result leaving you alone and basically with nothing.
How do I communicate my understanding of the mistakes I made and acknowledge that I understand how it affected him and how I have and worked on myself to my ex? I don’t want to highlight negatives and he has a tendency to emphasize those but the majority of our relationship was wonderful and I truly think he is the best person I have ever met. But when he feels hurt or rejected he completely shuts down and I don’t know how to even start to approach that.
Im not gona watch the article but im here to leave a comment, DUMP THEM!!! Its not gona work out, and such a person eventually leaves you, ur partner knows what theyre doing and they know its wrong or how it affects u, its just too fcking unfair, exhusting and most importantly manipulative, you dont even have to try to talk with them cuz for the right person they would do absolutely anything to keep them in their life, talking to you is the bare munimum, dont settel for that go find someone who actually loves you
The FA I know do this.. usually about 3 days.. now I know just let him be for 3 days and he’ll comeback to his usual self.. but it’s really exhausting, he does this ever week.. sometimes 2 times a week.. and I just wait until he got better.. what will happen if I let him be for more than 3 days? Is it better to let him be, or to ask him about it?
The guy I was dating has said he wants to be friends. I cannot get a straight answer out of him as to whether there could ever be more than that again or not. I don’t even know him well enough to know what his attachment style is. But how hard is it to just say yes or no and not have me in limbo?! Jeezzzz
How do you hold a fearful avoidant accountable for their behavior????? No where on the internet teaches this. These people are very emotional unorganized and do cruel things? Any fearful avoidant can answer please? Do you know when your wrong or does it take you time to realize you are wrong? You have to know to some extent if you lie about things you’ve done.
Well, my gym coach actually fearful avoidant, she once told me she loves and other good stuff and then the next day she acted like i killed her mom, I asked her she denied, she is so exhausting, Iam leaving the gym ASAP, coz she doesn’t give me comments on my workouts any more just like suddenly but she gives every body else, funny and sad.
A script like that would get thrown back at me so angrily by my FA bf. Im a gay man btw. FA are not reasonable at all They are usually cold as fuck and very hard to get through to. So hard when you love and adore this person. You act affectionate and sweet- they feel suffocated. Its like trying to love an alien You pull away- they get triggerred by abandonment and tell you your distant Its almost impossible As an anxious attatcher whos really not too heavy on the needy side. But shows a lot of kindness love and genuine authenticity its very painful I pray him and i can change our dynamic a little bit.
(Paraphrased but you’ll want to put it in your own words anyway) Hey, I can feel that you’re shutting me out right now and I totally want to respect the space and the time that you need in order to process what you’re experiencing but at the same time I want you to know that if you stay in the mode of stonewalling me we’re not going to get the opportunity to get to the root of what the problem is and then I can’t understand what’s going on inside of you and resolve it with you. I would love for you to hear me out as well and help me understand what’s going on inside of you so that I can meet your needs. Please think about this and let me know if there is a time you feel comfortable openly communicating about this and if you are open to doing that I’m here to respect, hear and understand what you are going through emotionally and what you need going forward to avoid pain as long as you are also willing to do the same for me and let’s approach this together from a really respectful and empowering place. I would love to do that I would just like to know when you feel you might be able to do that with me?
Is completely blocking (always sleeping falling asleep when I ask to talk even though I give that space and that time when they ask for it making excuses to not talk but then goes and talks to these other people again privately, behind closed doors shuts me out Has conversations with these “friends” all day long all night long. While Laying next to me. Will hang up with me to talk to them. Etc. Is this stonewalling? Please help it feels like something else but idk. I’m an AP formally a Secure
Can I use this with an ex as well? We share a child and are in one another’s lives a lot. We have been split 6 months and it’s this back and forth close/pushed away thing. He says there’s a possibility of us and that we should be working on ourselves at this time, but when we get talking about us and I try to have deeper conversations sometimes he just gets super defensive and hangs up on me or erupts and leaves. I want to understand but I feel so overwhelmed.
I’m a DA with depression which my mom and I just recently found out about. My mom is willing to hear me out and let me express my feelings and I’m aware that I’ve been stonewalling my mom (who might also have depression) however I’m emotionally numb and have been repressing my negative feelings for basically my whole life do you have any advice? I don’t exactly have a support group because my mom doesn’t know how to help me and I have no close friends. I did see a counselor 7 times last year
So basicly you have to be the most eloquant well versed high IQ psychologiste to be able to say the perfect combo so they open up and want to engage? How about …relationships is 100% 1 and 100% the other ….if you have to turn a relationship into negociation. You neglect to say that kills the magic. Because what is not said in this article, is that all this stone walling and being silent when its time to be expressive… is in the middle of ”THE MAGIC”. Meaning everything goes great …magical…and then you get close and kiss or hug and if shes scared… BAM ”stoned walled or even insulting to push you away”. Sure shes traumatised and has issues ….but why kill your happyness to try and build something she on her own isint trying to get help for. Seriously .. if your 30 + and have these issues… your not seaking help, you havnt done the work on yourself and your sure as hell not aware or conscious enought to know that your behavior is unacceptable by every single human being on earth. IF the avoidant dismissive is lying so deeply to themselves….and they believe themselves. Why do you want a relationship with them. Avoidant dismissive isint just …avoidant dismissive. The underlying issues is they ”DONT” deal with their shit, don’t want others to push them to deal with it either and if they feel to close to getting attached they will do everything so you give them space so they try and normalize their irationnal uncontrolable emotions. Avoidant dismissive are horrible at managing emotions.
Why is it so freaking hard to talk to an avoidant? Can we just skip all this stuff and cut straight to the point. There is nothing wrong with being offended. Usually if you’re offended it’s cause there is something about you that is not truthful. Absorb it when you’re offended and fix it. The real problem here, is what they are avoiding is self growth
Okay so. I’m like somewhat sure that my ex is an avoidant because she has insanely low self-esteem, monkey branched off of me onto a guy she met like 3 weeks before we broke up. Kicker is, like a month after we broke up aka she cheated on me but didn’t admit it (she did) I wrote and send her a letter hoping she reads it before our anniversary and get at least somewhat of an explanation or at least get to talk to her: It came back unopened a month later. Is this stonewalling? Like, she deleted all her social media accounts that she knew I know off. Didn’t block me on steam and twitter tho
I have been for 2,5 years now with my avoidant boyfriend. I have always tried to say everything mentioned here as nicely as possible, giving him space, all that. The relationship has only gotten worse between us, now his new thing is ignoring me for whole days and 3 days ago he said he needed a break from our relationship. My attachment is secure, but even to me it feels more and more like wasting my time. I want to have a healthy relationship where we work as a team and talk the issues through and can RELY on each other.. Tried explaining to him how worthless and insecure it makes me feel and still the pattern is there.. I have tried so unhumanly hard all this time, I feel like at the end of my power to go on.. It hurts so bad because we work so well when there is no conflict (conflict here means, me trying to talk to him about sth that bothers me; he usually never speaks, or after he has built too much resentment). Should I still go on? I don’t imagine living the rest of my life being with someone like this. I’m not even 22, so it would literally be a lifetime of such behaviour.. Tried talking to him about maybe some therapy, he says he does not need it. I really don’t know what else to do.. By the way it looks, he might be preparing to shut me out of his life for good with this break..
I am in a 20+ year relationship with a DA that I love dearly and I have an anxious attachment style. As someone who is learning to be a more caring partner to him and communicate in ways that improve our relationship, and he as a DA looking to heal, we’d really appreciate youtubers like yourself avoiding language that judges or suggests that people shouldn’t even be in or stay in relationships with DAs. It’s so unkind and unhelpful when all the messages out there suggest DAs are to be avoided. Your article isn’t nearly as bad as many, but you’re still talking about leaving before you even get to the crux of of your article. Leaving is always an option in any relationship (barring extreme circumstances) and this isn’t titled “how to decide if you should leave, or how to heal yourself to know if you should leave” it’s “how to communicate with…”. The thought, threat, or act of leaving can be such a knee-jerk response to difficulty and I don’t want voices encouraging that in me. I want help staying present and ready to work through stuff. It’s been a recent revelation to me that DAs are just as anxious about attachment situations as AAs; they just hide instead of cling. We both deserve patience as we work through our attachment injuries. Obviously not all DAs are nice or willing to work through stuff but not all AAs are either and that can be reserved for a specific article on that topic or on the topic of knowing where the line is between your own attachment issues and an unhealthy situation.
Hi @Personal Development School /Thais Gibson. Thank you for providing us with such inspiration. I wonder if you have made a article or article, or you could offer making such, that will treat.. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria 🙏🏼, the psychiatric construct “Alexithymia” /degrees emotional blindness 🙏🏼 or milder versions hereof.. and the most beneficial knowledge: NB. 3 and 4: concrete (yet typical) insecure believe systems, and concrete examples of alert triggers (acutely, in response to built up impressions, as a result of tipping point upon exhaustion by frequently crossed boundaries) and related to stonewalling; concrete examples of how these events lead to such deactivating, let’s call it post-trigger freeze response . *How do these psychological-spiritual/energetic patterns include RSD and Alexithymia*? 🌹♥️🙏🏼🙏🏼 That would really breach some gap and brick walls if we could get some fundamental understanding of these psychological-spiritual topics (RSD, Alexithymia). I think that by incorporating this knowledge, we can try to Improve our empathic tactfulness and our tactful approach to triggered friends, lovers and relatives. Thank you. 🥰