Marriage counseling with a narcissistic husband can be a challenging process, but it requires a unique approach that takes into account the partner’s behavior patterns and communication style. Teaching basic empathy and validation skills can be an effective way to initially get buy-in with a narcissistic partner in couples counseling. Explaining what the narcissist is doing wrong and convincing them to change can help build a stronger, healthier relationship together.
When narcissists refuse to join counseling, their partners may enter individual therapy. The therapist can help the partner de-idealize their spouse and build self-esteem, autonomy, and other essential skills. Addressing narcissistic issues in a marriage is essential as these problems can lead to a toxic and unhealthy relationship. Narcissistic behaviors, such as lack of empathy, manipulation, and need for admiration, can be destructive and costly.
To manage the intricacies of being married to a narcissist effectively, it is essential to set clear boundaries and establish firm rules about what behavior you will and will not tolerate from your partner. Combining individual and couples counseling provides a comprehensive approach to address the complexities of a relationship with a narcissistic partner.
Diagnosing a narcissist involves identifying how narcissistic manipulation works and addressing emotional struggles, setting boundaries, and seeking professional help. Combining individual and couples counseling provides a comprehensive approach to address the complexities of a relationship with a narcissistic partner.
Narcissists often lack “whole object” in their relationships, which can be a sign of a narcissistic personality disorder. It is crucial to find a counsellor who understands narcissism and can help couples therapy work effectively.
| Article | Description | Site |
|---|---|---|
| Doing Couple’s Therapy With a Narcissist. | Diagnosing a narcissist. Narcissism is a hot topic, and the term may be overused in our culture. There is an official narcissistic personality … | marriagecrisismanager.com |
| How to prepare myself for marital counseling with a likely … | The best advice I can give is minimal contact, and to be completely closed off (but still polite) if they try to initiate contact. They want to … | quora.com |
| Engaging Narcissists in Couples Counseling | This partner may meet criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, although it has never been formally diagnosed, since narcissists usually … | psychcentral.com |
📹 Protecting yourself in couples therapy with a narcissist
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE …
How Does A Narcissist React When You Set Boundaries?
Setting boundaries with a narcissist is essential but can be challenging, as they typically resist change and view boundaries as threats. Initially, a narcissist may react defensively, becoming argumentative, blaming you, or minimizing your feelings. It's crucial not to justify or explain your decisions. Understanding common reactions—such as rage, victimization, and denial—can help reinforce your boundaries. Start by defining what behaviors you will or will not accept and communicate these clearly and consistently.
Dr. Daramus suggests writing down your boundaries for reference, while Dr. Hafeez stresses the importance of enforcing them. Remember, when boundaries are set, narcissists may attempt to push against them aggressively. They could initially respond politely but escalate to anger if they feel threatened. Be prepared for emotional backlash, such as insults or gaslighting. Ultimately, respect will only come when consequences are enforced. Having an exit strategy is vital due to the potential for narcissistic rage.
Recognizing narcissistic traits is the first step in protecting your emotional well-being while maintaining self-respect and sanity. It’s imperative to stand firm and safeguard yourself in these situations.
How Do You Deal With A Narcissistic Husband?
Establishing clear boundaries is vital when engaging in marriage counseling with a narcissistic husband, as it defines acceptable behaviors and fosters safety and respect. Recognizing narcissism often involves identifying selfish behaviors that neglect a partner's feelings. Effective strategies can help disarm a narcissistic partner, especially during conflicts. It's essential to stand up for yourself if faced with derogatory remarks, as the relationship can impact your mental health.
Understanding the realities of being involved with a narcissist makes navigating such relationships easier. Key strategies include educating yourself about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), managing triggers associated with your husband's insecurities, and focusing on self-care. Connecting with trusted friends, therapists, or family can provide critical support. The grey rock method is a practical tactic for managing interactions with a narcissist, as is avoiding defensive communication.
Recognizing signs of narcissism, which can vary in severity, contributes to a better understanding of your partner's behavior. Techniques such as grey rocking and refraining from justifying your actions can aid in protecting your well-being. Ultimately, knowing when to seek help or exit the relationship is essential for maintaining your self-esteem and mental health.
How To Set Boundaries With A Narcissist Spouse?
Setting boundaries with a narcissist is essential for your emotional well-being. Start by recognizing narcissistic traits and understanding their behaviors. First, create a strategic plan to define your comfort levels, and establish clear consequences for boundary violations. It's crucial to communicate your boundaries firmly and calmly, avoiding justification or defense, as this can lead to emotional manipulation. Realistic expectations are key—understand the limitations of your relationship with the narcissist.
Seek professional mental health support to guide you through the process. Prioritize self-care and remain focused on aspects of your life outside the relationship. Practice self-empowerment by regaining control and resisting the urge to engage in arguments. An exit strategy is vital, especially if the narcissist exhibits rage or intimidation. By implementing these strategies, you can navigate challenging interactions while protecting yourself from potential harm.
How Does A Narcissist Apologize?
A person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) may struggle with genuine apologies, often issuing insincere ones filled with excuses or minimizations, according to Dr. Michael Kane. Such apologies frequently lack accountability or admission of guilt, reflecting a manipulative approach rather than genuine remorse. Common characteristics of narcissistic apologies include minimization—e. g., "I was just kidding" or "I was just trying to help"—highlighting their tendency to downplay the impact of their actions.
Additionally, narcissists may use conditional apologies, shifting blame, or expressing regret about the other person's feelings instead of taking responsibility. While some believe narcissists never apologize, this is a misconception; they do apologize but often do so for their own benefit rather than sincere regret. These apologies tend to lack specifics and genuine ownership, making it difficult for the affected individual to feel validated. Understanding these patterns helps navigate interactions with narcissists and reveals the underlying motives behind their manipulative apology tactics.
Can Marriage Counseling Help A Narcissistic Husband?
Marriage with a narcissistic partner poses significant challenges, often leading couples to consider professional help. Counseling can create a structured environment for both partners to discuss relationship issues. While traditional methods may be complicated, counseling can yield insights into the behavior of a narcissistic husband. However, the effectiveness of therapy hinges on the husband's willingness to engage meaningfully, which can be rare.
Signs of effective counseling include better communication, increased empathy from the narcissistic spouse, and reduced manipulative behavior. Despite attending sessions, a narcissistic partner may remain unchanged, making individual therapy a worthwhile investment for the non-narcissistic partner. To help a husband recognize his narcissistic traits, it’s essential to approach the conversation calmly and openly. Combining individual and couples therapy may provide a comprehensive strategy for addressing relationship complexities.
It's crucial to manage expectations regarding change, as substantial progress requires the narcissist's acknowledgment of their harmful behaviors. When a narcissist refuses counseling, the partner can benefit from individual therapy, which aids in de-idealizing the spouse and fostering self-esteem. Ultimately, while couples therapy with a narcissist can be beneficial, it necessitates cooperation from both partners to facilitate meaningful change. Seeking a therapist knowledgeable about narcissism is vital for successful outcomes.
How To Get Married With A Narcissistic Husband?
When seeking marriage counseling with a narcissistic husband, it is crucial to establish clear boundaries that define acceptable and unacceptable behavior, fostering a sense of safety and respect in the relationship. Effective communication skills become essential, as a prevalent perception of narcissism often includes a significant lack of empathy and consideration for a partner's feelings. This dynamic can severely impact mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
The journey of counseling presents unique challenges but also opportunities for breakthroughs. To manage life with a partner displaying narcissistic traits, the following twelve strategies are beneficial: firstly, firmly establish boundaries regarding intolerable behavior, and focus on improving communication. Recognizing narcissistic behaviors can be difficult, often leading to disconnection and emotional exhaustion. Furthermore, familiarizing oneself with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can empower spouses to navigate the intricacies of their relationships.
Additional resources like betrayal trauma recovery support groups and therapy can be invaluable for those married to narcissists. Ultimately, while navigating a relationship with a narcissistic partner can be challenging, seeking professional advice and support is vital for maintaining mental health and well-being.
How Do You Survive Being Married To A Narcissist?
Navigating a relationship with a narcissist, especially in marriage, can be incredibly challenging and draining. Recognizing that your needs may seem unimportant to them is essential. Instead of seeking an apology, focus on the narcissist's feelings, offering compliments and reassurances to keep the peace. The silent treatment should be ignored, as it is a manipulation tactic. Ending such a relationship could be necessary for your well-being.
It is vital to prioritize your mental health, employing strategies to survive and thrive alongside a narcissistic spouse. One must understand that narcissists often place their self-esteem above their partner's needs, engaging in psychological aggression that can leave you feeling unheard and isolated. Coping involves setting boundaries, seeking support from friends or professionals, and possibly using the grey rock method to minimize emotional engagement.
While life with a narcissist is challenging, it is possible to sustain a marriage if you take proactive steps. Ensure you have a reliable support system and engage in activities that provide personal fulfillment. Recognizing toxic behaviors and reclaiming your sense of self is crucial for navigating this difficult relationship.
What Is Narcissist Couples Counseling?
Narcissistic couples counseling is vital for both partners, assisting the non-narcissistic individual in developing coping strategies while guiding the narcissistic partner towards healthier relationship behaviors. Expectations from marriage counseling with a narcissistic spouse may include the hope for therapeutic intervention that clarifies the partner's harmful behaviors. However, narcissists often resist acknowledging their role in marital issues, posing challenges for therapy.
Counseling may inadvertently support the narcissistic tendencies of one partner, sometimes leading to manipulation of the therapist. Effective couples therapy with a narcissist necessitates commitment and the narcissist's willingness to change, and signs of progress can include better communication and reduced manipulation. Integrating individual therapy can be beneficial for non-narcissistic partners, aiding them in building self-esteem and independence.
Recognizing narcissistic traits can be difficult initially, but they become clearer over time, necessitating specialized therapeutic support. Moreover, narcissists often exhibit controlling behavior and struggle with empathizing or collaborating with others. Couples therapy aims to mend relationships but may backfire with narcissistic individuals, as they can exploit therapy for further manipulation or gaslighting, ultimately compromising its effectiveness. Overall, success in treating narcissistic tendencies in couples therapy appears very limited.
Can A Narcissist Truly Love Their Spouse?
Narcissists tend to struggle with forming deep emotional bonds, as their attachment to love is rooted more in self-interest than in genuine connection. They often idealize their partners, falling in love with their projections rather than the individuals themselves. This creates confusion for those involved, leading them to question the authenticity of the narcissist's affection. Despite the façade of being in love, narcissists are primarily focused on fulfilling their own needs and desires, demonstrating a superficial form of love that is often fleeting.
While they can develop strong emotional attachments, these relationships tend to be short-lived, as narcissists have difficulty maintaining commitment beyond a few years. Their love is transactional and lacks the empathy required for a healthy partnership. Narcissists may display affection, but this is often based on their need for validation rather than mutual appreciation. Ultimately, their inability to truly love another person means that relationships with narcissists are often marked by objectification and lack of autonomy for their partners. The cycle of idealization followed by devaluation makes genuine emotional intimacy impossible, leaving many partners questioning the depth of the love they receive.
What Are The 5 Things To Never Do After Breaking Up With A Narcissist?
After breaking up with a narcissist, it's crucial to avoid specific actions to ensure your healing process. The five things to never do include: engaging in communication with your ex, as this can reopen wounds; stalking their social media, which can lead to obsessive thoughts; isolating yourself, as support from friends and family is vital; rushing into a new relationship, which can hinder emotional recovery; and neglecting professional help, which can provide necessary guidance.
These actions may seem harmless, but they can inadvertently help the narcissist regain control or prolong your suffering. To truly move on and protect yourself, it’s essential to embrace no contact, avoiding any form of interaction or social engagement with them. Recognizing the abusive tactics and lies that often accompany a narcissistic breakup is critical for your recovery. Ultimately, maintaining your well-being and rebuilding your life should take precedence after ending such a relationship. Remember, focusing on your healing journey will empower you to emerge stronger and more confident.
📹 Ask Dr. Ramani: How Do I Go to Therapy with a Narcissist? Season 2; Ep 19
Dr. Ramani dives into our DMs to answer your burning questions about a very tricky and treacherous scenario: going to therapy …
I got lucky. Our couples’ therapist saw right through him. During one of our one on one sessions, I asked her why she wasn’t telling me to leave him. She said, “If I tell you to leave him, and you do, you will end up going right back to him. You have to stay until you can walk out that door and never look back.” She also said it was common for victims of abuse to return to their abusers several times before they leave for good. She was right about all of it. It was the best advice I could have asked for at the time.
I see this advice as suitable for a ‘narcissistic survival manual’ (perhaps a title for your next book). This is gold, not exaggerating, considering the changes I’ve made in relating to people personal and professional. My suggestion to those seeking couples therapy with a narcissist, write this tutorial down on paper, summarize to key points with related and necessary examples and memorize and practice. I always remember the goal is not to defeat the narcissist, the goal is to be free of their manipulations and control. Once on the other side of this challenge, I have won.
I had a therapist call me “prickly”, like he thought he was real clever with his choice of words. Truth be told, getting shat on and verbally and emotionally abused for years did make me angry. Being unfairly attacked for years made me angry. But he wasn’t a good enough therapist to figure any of that out, and unfortunately I was not then aware of gaslighting and the other behaviors. I’m much stronger, calmer, and more self secure now, thanks to learning from Dr Ramani. What a godsend she is. I don’t immediately assume everything must be my fault anymore.
@DoctorRamani another positive story here. My individual therapist saw right through my former partner’s narcissism, but just as you predicted, I had to document conversations over email during the course of our couples’ therapy, to bring proof of his constant gaslighting. Thankfully, the couples’ therapist acknowledged this too and told me that I would never get the empathy I was looking for, in that relationship (my ex was present on that call). She gave me such detailed feedback on his abusive behaviour during our last session and it was so validating after 7 and a half years of trauma, that I got up and walked away, a day later. I have not looked back, since.
I was married before to a huge fit throwing, controlling idiot for a minute (the one I have now is fit throwing, controlling and smart). He said he didn’t want to pay a therapist to tell him he was right. I made a deal with him, that I won’t describe here, but it was a deal he couldn’t refuse. If the therapist said he was right he would be rewarded. If not, I would move out. Well… Since he thought he was perfectly correct, we shook on it. I called around and explained that I was looking for a Dr. Phil type. Someone who would call out bullshit whether it was his or mine – and I found one. We booked ONE HOUR. Within 10 minutes the therapist adjusted in his chair and leaned toward us and said to him “you know you can’t talk to people like that, right??” 15 minutes in I had my purse in my hands and I said “you two have 45 minutes. And I am going home to pack.” I was out and at a friend’s house before he got home. Ahhh…. The joys of ties easily severed. It isn’t that simple these days. Lol
When I tried counseling once, the therapist said that he was the “most stubborn” person he had ever counseled in his entire career, and that I wasn’t going to get what I needed from him. He stopped short of a diagnosis, but later after he assaulted me and two of my daughters, during the messy divorce, he was diagnosed by the court appointed psychologist, along with possibly bi-polar disorder and a few other things. I wish I had paid closer attention sooner, but it ended as it was supposed to… I won all of our freedom after two years of a very messy, scary, grueling, expensive divorce.
It took our couples therapist 6 months to figure out what was going on. She triangulated me into a constant stream of trauma and abuse unknowingly. That is the reason I’ll never trust another “professional”. Our last session she told me that he was gaslighting and showing narcissistic rage. This is when I started reading psychology books and listening to websites like this on my own.
Please, anyone who has a partner who is vindictive, be so, so careful with couples therapy. My partner was upset with how I painted him to the therapist and he’d yell at me the whole way home and sabotage my schooling out of revenge. I’m just glad he wasn’t physically violent. Please evaluate your own safety and what power they hold over you before doing couples therapy.
Merry Christmas Doctor Ramani! Thank you for giving us the gift of this knowledge for free every day. It’s made such a difference to me and hundreds of thousands of people who were lost confused, and blindsided by the antics of the narcissists in our lives. I hope you have a wonderful New Year and many, many more.
I experienced all of this in “couples therapy” Dr. Ramani you are SPOT ON with what to watch out for in this dynamic. It was so hard for me to explain to outsiders why the “therapy” was literally traumatizing. I wish I knew this before I participated. You’re also very spot on with how the narcissistic victim oversharing and trying to get some type of validation from a third party will be counterproductive if the therapist doesn’t understand narcissism.
Our therapists were always in his corner. We did NVC. While I really saw my part, my husband saw everything as my fault, the unreasonable one, the hysterical one (which I was) and for nothing about himself and he took no responsibility. They sided with him. I later found out that the therapists themselves split up. .
I pray many therapists and pastor counselors are being trained by Dr. Ramani’s expertise in this subject matter. Her knowledge has helped so many victims. “My people perish for lack of knowledge.” Thank you Dr. Ramani for your tremendous wisdom presented in such a kind, nonsensical manner. We are all very grateful. Merry merry Christmas and happy New Year. Blessings and love from all of us in the community
I went to a few sessions of couples therapy with my narcissistic ex only because it is a requirement in the court in my country to prove you have tried some form of mediation before the divorce. We were not even trying to save the marriage. It was supposed to be a pretense. And still, I got traumatized. The gaslighting, the abuse, playing the victim, you name it. He even managed to make sure that we would be seen by a therapist whose supervisor was HIS therapist. I only found out after the fact. After the third session, which was supposed to be my one on one with the therapist, but he came anyway, I had enough and said that it would need to be enough for the court as well. Fortunately, it was. My life lesson from all this was: don’t try to change the narcissist, try to change yourself. It’s difficult, but doing something difficult it is still easier than doing the impossible.
This article is extremely helpful and informative. My 40 year old son has progressively and deliberately prohibit contact with my grandchildren. After a recent fallout, he suggested we should start therapy to restore our relationship. I wished that I saw this article before I did two sessions! The first session he talked 45 minutes of the one hour schedule before the therapist allowed me to speak. During the second session, I had a huge emotional crisis which triggered immense trauma and pain. I should have never agreed to entering therapy with him. The only thing I learned was that he blames me for everything. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your WARNING, wisdom and passion for keeping us sane!
Man. I did so much research to figure out what he was but couldn’t figure it out. One month separated now after the cruelest discard. I couldn’t afford therapy for myself at the time. He found the couples therapist, and I can not believe how accurate every single word you’re saying is. It’s eerie. I would calmly try to reenact what he did and they all just stared at me. I feel so stupid for not coming across NPD 4 years ago before wasting my life and the onslaught of psychological manipulation. I was smarter than that. And now I have a type of healing to do that I didn’t know existed – not being believed and disregarded by a so-called “professional.” My brain hurts. But thank you so much for putting all this out there.
Thank you for this article. I think that happened to my dad. My parents went to counseling 25 yrs ago, and because my mom is a covert victim narc, we all thought my dad was the bad guy. They went to 2 counselors and my dad didn’t like either because they seemed unfair, then my mom wouldn’t find another- She instead dropped out, and blamed on my dad that “there he goes again” “he can’t even go to a counselor” So we all thought my dad was the bad guy, but I found out recently- my MOM is the bad guy, and my dad is the scapegoat she uses with all of her flying monkeys (our whole family still thinks my dad is the bad guy- I have seen the truth since being exposed to theses articles).
Bravo Dr. Ramani for your work ! Everything you say sounds very familiar (the charm, the “let’s be friend” attitude with the therapist and so on…and the freezing part too..). I want to add something REALLY IMPORTANT to my eyes, because it really left me very frustrated (similar to n°12). Don’t go to couples therapy with someone who is already working with one of you individually (or even both) ! My ex-wife and I went to couples therapy with our individual therapist (imagine the triangulations..). I had no idea that everything had to be done separately, as I was genuinely trusting that woman and wanted to do the work. One day, a psychatrist friend of mine warned me about that issue, I tried to explain what I had just discovered and expressed my need to clarify this situation, as we couldn’t improve. They both wouldn’t take me serious : “We do it like this in our country”. I dropped out of therapy and moved back to my country (working with an amazing psychiatrist now). To this day, I still feel like I was the problematic person in the room…Long story short, I ignore whether there was a narcissist in the room or not (maybe me?) and I’ll never know, but just trust your guts, if you feel something’s off… Merry Christmas to you all, surrounded by the people you love ! sorry for the long message..
Even though my ex was diagnosed as being on the spectrum, the therapist knew lying was a huge problem – she still fell for his lies. Even to the point where I stopped going due to her gaslighting me. She always believed him. He literally told her things were going great with us and he was living with me when in reality we had been separated for 3 months. She accidentally found out the truth when she rang my landline phone asking to talk to him, to find out why he was late for their appointment. That’s when the gig was up. Why bother going to therapy if you’re going to lie about everything ? To get sympathy and attention. Supply. Shows all the symptoms of a Vunerable Narcissist and Malignant
I suffered through number 8, the therapist told me – since I had to move to my husband’s hometown, and since I don’t have friends here, I am the one who is lonely and lashing out. I was apparently the one who was feeling left out and I was supposed to “just get out and sit in a cafe with a book”. This was when I wanted his friends to visit but they should leave before midnight on a work day. Many incidents like these were turned back to me being lonely in a new city. Whereas, I have lived and moved to 9+ cities and adjusted well always.
Ty for this article. We spent A small fortune on couple’s counseling; it accomplished nothing for me; it produced more trauma right before the divorce. My narcissist is a vulnerable narcissist. As Dr R has pointed out, that dynamic plays ouy differently. I would love to hear more about a covert narcissist in couple’s therapy. He manipulated, for sure. He was the sad, hopless romantic. SHE BOUGHT IT .
I found this article after my wife’s continued instance we “go to marriage counseling” or “I’m going to keep making the worst series of decisions ever that makes things super hard on our child, even though there is no good reason to do things like this other than that I want leverage over you.” I’m glad to see my reasoning and conclusions were correct. Thank you.
I went for “breakup counselling” with my ex. He thought one session ought to do it. We both talked the therapist’s ear off. Me crying and unloading my shame. Him, quizzing the therapist on what books she’d read. At the end, the therapist just smiled, confused, and commented on how we both seemed to have no trouble “communicating”. On the way home, my ex declared the therapist incompetent. Then said to me “I can see why I fell in love with you” which left me even more confused than when we went in. It was a total farce.
Merry Christmas Dr Ramani🎄Your uploads has made a big difference in my i life, that has turned into Thriving instead of allmost dying 12 years ago. By then diagnosed bipolar. Now I know it was my flight response due to narcissistic abuse. 53 years old now. Better late than never! You are increadible😘
I tried couples therapy for about a total of 4-5 sessions, the couples therapist seemed to vibe quite well with her. There were conflicts about money and other concerns, such as her words not matching her actions, and myself constantly feeling invalidated, not helping out financially, feeling used for my money, head spinning, etc. I couldn’t make sense of it. She seemed to be the victim in the therapy sessions saying I was the problem and appeared to be getting the therapist on her side. I finally voiced my feelings in the session and she absolutely attacked me right in front of her, after that she then was absolutely dead quiet the next two sessions and I seemed to be the difficult one and “see you’re the one with all the problems thats why she’s talking to you during the sessions” came out afterward and her even calling me narcissistic for wanting help from my partner financially! I felt so invalidated, confused, just overall horrible. I broke it off with her right afterward. Just like one of the comments below, “You have to stay until you can walk out that door and never look back.” Growing up with some terrible parents it makes sense why I kept trying to make this relationship work and attract women like her. Im currently now using EMDR therapy to cope with all the CPTSD that I had from these relationships. This stuff is INCREDIBLY HARD and these types of people can be WOMEN I want other men to feel validated in that regard as men usually get the wrap for being the NARC. Stay Srong!
When my husband was alive, we tried a couple marriage therapists. My husband was always overly cooperative in the beginning with a new therapist. But as time went on and the therapist started to hit him with hard questions about what he was saying, he would stop going or insist on another therapist. He would only go UNTIL he no longer could control the narrative.
The first two couples therapists my ex and I went to resulted in me truly believing everything was my fault and feeling so lucky that he didn’t leave me. We went to a third therapist after he admitted to some rather spectacular lying over the course of a year about an affair that wasn’t over. The first session was where I realized he needed to move out. So the therapy became helping us go through the separation. At the same time I had just had the lightbulb moment about him bring a narcissist. I found it incredibly helpful to be in therapy as I learned not to react, started grey rocking him and tried to keep myself calm. I studied the questions the therapist asked him and mimicked her and tried to pretend I was on the outside like her until I had the strength to do it on my own. It was also incredibly helpful to have the therapist’s quiet validation when my ex would say horrible things or gaslight or go into a rage. Particularly when I went grey rock, he was livid and to watch the therapist not side with him or tell me I was being unreasonable, was incredibly validating. I never used the word narcissist thanks to your advice and it is great advice. Thanks for your life changing work.
Yep, my last couples therapy sessions, before I decided to divorce him, was a complete nightmare. The therapist and my ex focused totally on me being the problem. While doing that, she claimed that she was going to help me get unstuck. The last session was so terrible that it took everything I had to not tell her to eff off. I left and told him I would never go back to see her.
Even though I only had a professional relation with a narcissist, and never was in couple therapy, the timing couldn’t be better. I needed a refill on my anxiety drugs last week, and my original doctor – who understood the issue quite well – got a bit too expensive. I had to find an appointment quickly, and I was seen by a woman who questioned me in an aggressive manner, asking “So what HAVE you been through? WHERE is the trauma? Are other people working there? Well, I’m offering you a reasonable solution that maybe YOU are the problem”. I was in shock and wanted to leave. Finally she gave me the meds. I was angry at myself that I AGAIN couldn’t protect myself from a bad “professional”… But there wasn’t much I could do. It’s a neverending battle. So many people don’t get it that after a while, you just stop putting yourself out there. And sometimes you are treated without respect and openness just because you need psychiatric drugs. Thankfully, I am also in therapy with the right person…
I ended my one stab at couples therapy with a narcissist after she allowed my husband to vent vent 45 minutes of each of four 50 minute sessions. In the middle of the 5th session, I suggested to my husband (of 20 years) that if I was really this bad, the marriage was hopeless and this therapy was a waste of time and money. That was it. We divorced. The therapy was useful for validating what I instinctively knew. But the therapist, herself (chosen by him) hadn’t a clue.
On my very first visit my therapist knew we weren’t going to succeed in saving our marriage. From him admitting that he said he wished I got cancer and died alone, and claiming it was a joke- amongst other things- he did not hide his true colors. We attended two sessions and then he declared my female therapist was a “closet lesbian” who had the hots for me and that we were in cahoots and out to “get him.” As absurd as that statement was, I went ahead and switched over to a male therapist. That also lasted a couple sessions because my ex said he would not take direction from a man who was not an “alpha” and had no idea what he was talking about. At the end of the day, I had to seek and continue therapy alone. We separated during that that time and a few years later divorced. It was awful and ugly and I’m glad I had already established a support system with my therapist. Narcissists do not care who you are in displaying their wrath and true persona. Just because you’re going to a professional for help does not mean your narcissist is going to change. All I can say is, don’t have high hopes that because a therapist is pointing out the obvious, that a switch will go off for the abuser. It doesn’t.
My ex and I did a few months of couples therapy prior to our divorce a few years ago. Specifically, it was EFT (emotionally focused therapy). This type of therapy focuses on the primal need for a secure, loving, safe attachment and connection even as adults and how a lot of relationship issues i.e. criticism, defensiveness, shutting down etc. stem from one or both partners feeling that the security or safety of that isn’t what they’re needing it to be and how to “hold each other tight” emotionally instead. I actually really love the concept for emotionally aware and empathic people who struggle to recognize and communicate their attachment fears and needs appropriately because of their pain (past and/or present). If you can understand the concepts and actually WANT to be a better and more connected partner in spite of your vulnerabilities and traumas then it can be so good. Applying some of the concepts has helped me to process, communicate about, and heal from some of the damaging effects of that relationship and form a much stronger one with someone else since then. But narcissists are a different beast. Even if the reasoning behind their actions is the same i.e. not “feeling” cared for or safe enough in a connection, which it might be, all they can see are their own feelings and how traumatized they are. All they can focus on is what they want other people to give to them. Not what others might be needing from them as well. There’s only room for their pain and nobody else’s.
I guess I was lucky! Mine talked me into going. After the first session, he made a meatloaf for dinner with pork… I don’t eat pork. So he threw a tizzy fit and threw it in the garbage. Next session, which was the next day, he was still really mad. She talked to us separately, me first. As I left the room, she said to me, “lets see if we can get him to see this isn’t all just about him.” He blew up at me on the ride home, and I pretty much told him I had already raised my kids, and I wasn’t going to deal with his acting like a 6 year old, and I said I was done. He moved out shortly afterward. Next session, I went alone. She told me that before our first session, he had gone in for a 90 minute session by himself.
We hade couple therapy with 4 different therapists before I gave up and filed for divorce. The therapy sections were a nightmare. The therapists bought on to his acting performance and I always left the section feeling more despaired then when I came in. At that time I did not know he was a narcissist. Today, I go to therapy and it is so worth it, both the time and the money I spend.
our couples therapist told mine, wow your spouse has so much power, she is very powerful to be able to get you all to do those things. (therapist was just pointing out that EVERYTHING i was being blamed for was pretty ridiculous). My spouse had a ‘wait❗what❓’ moment. Quick on his feet responded, “yeah if that means the power to ‘eff up’ this family then yeah.” Long story short, this therapist on an ‘aside’ warned me who i was dealing with, asked me a few poignant questions, referred me to read a book by debbie mirza, practically advised me to get out, warned me that continuing with ‘couples’ therapy would be dangerous for me and the reason for that. this therapist was at the right place at the right time, soon after-that therapist left that practice. Seems to me divine intervention because all this happened in only one session (therapist was not familiar with my history or my spouses). Now i get the “people come into your life for a reason a season or a lifetime” poem
Oh yes. My hub and I went to couples therapy. The therapist told me I’m neurotic. My hub and I have since decided to divorce… he still sees this therapist.. he has convinced him that he’s NOT a narcissist.. he just has narcissistic tendencies.. he is working on his anger though.. so there’s that 🤷♀️ So frustrating
Our therapist did individual sessions with us. One day when he had me in mind alone, he told me straight out look I probably shouldn’t do this but I need to let you know that you’re married to a narcissist and I feel you’re not safe and I would highly recommend getting out of there. I didn’t even know what a narcissist was until he said that. Because we didn’t have enough time together, he encouraged me to read up on it and seek another therapist just for myself.
A therapist once gave me the book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship Handbook” to explain the traits of narcissism without the labels and it has been helpful with others since… I try to use it with my grown children to have a shared language also as they were present in some of the coparenting sessions with the therapist that gifted my kid and I the book. I know Dr. Ramani has excellent books too!! I am just suggesting one that avoids diagnosing narcissism, just identifying and dealing with the symptoms… 💪🙏♥️
When my ex-NPD fiance and I went to couples therapy I did not know yet what I was dealing with and had not realized that managing my reactions to her behaviour was important for protecting myself from her narratives, and I was still being gaslit heavily. She ate my lunch but the therapist realized what was going on and tried to offer helpful advice. I didn’t understand until much later. I wish I’d had the education ahead of time to avoid the damage she caused later.
From my own experience: 1. Anything in therapy the narc perceives as a win for them will be used against you in the future. Any validation of a single aspect of their self-perception they can interpret as a validation of the whole. 2. Any moment of vulnerability you show will be identified, mentally recorded, and replayed against you as a means to mock you, or as an angle of attack to gaslight you. 3. If, after a private appointment with the narc, the therapist starts asking questions that make no sense, they might have been fed lies by the narc, and they may be trying to dig into a non-existent issue. It could also be a misunderstanding. Whatever the case it may be good to ask about the direction of conversation.
The information in this article makes perfect sense. In the city where I live for awhile family courts were ordering all couples seeking a divorce into couples therapy first before they were being allowed to move into the next phase of the divorce process regardless of what each person was complaining to their lawyer about which led to the marriage ending up on the rocks. It was unrealistic based complete madness.
I have been married for almost 25 years. My husband has gone to a psychiatrist a few times and therapy a few times years ago only because he knew that I couldn’t take it anymore and he knew that other people (family witnessed his behavior). I am not sure he is a full blown narcissist. I have called him Jekyll and Hyde since the first few months we were dating. He used to think he was bipolar. My daughter thinks he is BPD/NPD. She is a NP in Psych. I have done reading for years on it and my husband fits this. If someone was a fly on my wall, would be the only way they could see how crazy my life has been with him. People have heard him and witnessed his behavior and they do not understand how I can still be with him. I love him so very much and I do not want to leave. I have tried to get him to therapy but he says I am the one who needs help and that he got help years ago and it is not him it is me. He is getting worse as he gets older and just today I told him if he didn’t get help, I was leaving. I said I will go with him. His response was, “Good, I cannot wait for the doctor to tell you that it’s you and then I am going to kick you out so fast”. I am worried that I won’t have a good therapist and he will pull one over on them.
24 years I have been with my partner, we have 2 kids girl 22 boy 19. First time we went to therapy was about 15 years ago and it is exactly what you describe, I had no point of reference, I did not even know what was going on, so I had no idea how to explain it. So, he was always justified. Years after trying all kinds of things, I can say I found my ‘therapist’ right at home. My son is calling out his dad on gaslighting, manipulation, etc. Things like ‘that’s not what she said’ or straight telling him, you are making that up, it’s not what happened or what does that have to do with … He calls it at he sees it. Am I an asshole for enjoying those moments? Inside I feel happy when this happens, which is a lot lately.!
I would like to see you do a article of how to prepare for a therapy session with a narcissistic parent. My sibling and I are thinking of trying this with our mother and she seemingly has finally agreed. We both see a therapist individually but want to try one last ditch effort to better communicate with our mother. The suggestion of having good notes and goals outlined was certainly a helpful one here. Thank you!
I had such a bad experience in couples therapy I almost swore off therapy completely. Only he was listened to an encouraged to share. If I did i was asked if I was even listening or waiting for my turn to talk even though I didn’t interrupt and commented on exactly what was being said. She ended up going from our therapist to his after only 3 sessions…told him all kinds of things about me including diagnosises she gave me while not including me in the conversation. It was a nightmare. It only stopped when I sent an email saying I did not consent to her discussing my medical information with him without my presence. Gave so much fuel to cause me pain in the relationship. Not sure i I would ever go back to couples after this.
Hey I just found the website from the narcissistic driver article im taking those words to heart I drive semi most of the year and I started getting frustrated with how many insane people I see on the roads would honk sometimes and flip them off but I need to work on myself its been mentally draining constantly worrying about these people around me
🎄MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY 🎄Dr. Ramani thank you for all the work you do in educating us as well as the next generation of psychiatrists! Hope you, your family and staff enjoy the holidays and the ones who were sick have now recovered. Oh, and you have a birthday coming up soon so Happy (early) Birthday!🎈🎉🎂
Another issue: my narc in couples therapy would constantly try to just shoot the shit with the therapist for like the first 15-20 mins of a session. The sessions are 50 mins long, so that makes it almost impossible to really get into anything serious, and the therapist (which we didn’t go to for long) was totally charmed by it.
Dr. Ramani, you nailed it. You covered every aspect of preparedness & what to anticipate before the sessions begin. The only other tactic that, I know I would use & realize it’s not for everyone is to use a spy audio/video camera during the sessions. Then, later, dissect it as you’re taking notes..watching the entire dynamic of all parties involved.
I am going through this now. I am a therapist and have been extremely shocked at how our therapist is handling our sessions. Had an extremely upsetting session yesterday where the therapist literally triangulated me and was questioning me about things my partner was completely lying about and mischaracterizing. I was so stunned I froze. How is she really not seeing his manipulation? Neither one of my adult children want a relationship with him anymore, and she STILL sides with him. I am losing my mind. I’m not going back.
Merry Xmas to you, your team and all your respective families and loved ones Doctor Ramani. I hope you all have a narcissist free zone at some point over the Xmas period. Thank you for all of your wonderful insight and thank you for always telling it like it is and looking at every topic you choose to talk about with that brilliant 360 degree perspective that takes a lot of work and time and effort. It’s what makes all your content ‘pure Gold’. Xxxx jools
I can relate to this so much. We were zooming during our last session with a therapist he had totally manipulated (covert narc). Me and the narc were in different locations because I’d asked her again for support to leave the relationship after his hundredth tantrum over nothing. I was always “complaining” and asking for support to leave while he “wanted to move things forward in a positive direction.” One of his favorite catch phrases. As I listed off my grievances (ie recent incidents of abuse), the therapist interrupted and said “yeah blank feels pretty beat up.” I slammed my laptop closed and that was the last session with her. She was so clueless and completely triangulated
Years ago after my husband had an affair (one of many it turns out) our therapist told me I could either move on and cherish my husband or I could keep bringing the affair up as an issue and have him continue to think of this woman….. True story! Next therapist a couple of years later. Asked us if we would like to return. My husband’s answer “well I don’t think I have a problem but she probably does” (referring to me of course) I’ve been seeing that therapist now for many years because he was right I did have a problem….him! My therapist told me about this series and it’s been a game changer for me. Thank you from the bottom of my slowly refilling heart
Couplestherapy was a disaster.. The therapist believed in my exhusband charme, and even if my ex admitted his bad behavior and wanted help, the therapist got convinced that it was me who was too sensitive. One hour in the therapiroom, was enought for her to make up her own mind, and my 40 years of emotional abuse, didn´t count. The therapist actually caused a lot of harme to both of us. She even told my psychologist, at the same senter, that it had to be me that was the problem, because my ex was so nice,. He started questioning my behavior and suddenly my reality didn`t count at all… It was horrible. Finally I have got help at a shelter, where the psychologists have knowledge about narsisism and emotional abuse. It has been a totally new world. No more couplestherapy!!
When I talked about my ex partner’s overwhelming rage and how much it was impacting me in one of our first few sessions, the therapist normalized it and said that she had rage explosions, too. I really thought that I was exaggerating and making too big a deal out of it after that. I tried to make sense of it and to convince myself that it should not bother me so much, that I should be more understanding and accommodating. What a disaster. But I have a wonderful individual therapist and still very much believe in the therapeutic process despite this very invalidating and harmful experience in couples therapy.
This is all so true! I took my wife to therapy and bailed after the first session even though she supposedly specialized in this area. All we got out of that was more gaslighting validation for my wife to use against me!! It didn’t matter that I went to college for psychology, the years studying Cluster B issues, the therapist wouldn’t listen to me and seemed to obviously have her own unresolved issues with men. The second was a PhD psychologist and she actually specialized in this area, validated everything with an expensive psych eval, and was loving but very direct with my wife in a way that is actually helping her some (at least for a couple days sometimes, haha 🙄), and has been a major blessing for me. I’m getting divorced still because the abuse is so hard on me, but I hope she continues to heal–I’m just not going to wait around for that unlikely and very long road of recovery because there will ALWAYS be more abuse in the meantime regardless, even if there are periods of seeming peace. Dr Ramani, you have blessed so many in my extended family as well, and have covered seemingly every type of issue me and others have experienced including those in your BPD articles. Thank you a million!!!
If you have not done it yet, please talk about family therapy where the narcissist is one of the parents. He does not exhibit any of the rage, grandiosity, gaslighting. In fact, he agrees with the therapist. But, afterwards when the family leaves the session come the sarcasm, claiming there’s nothing wrong and the therapist is only in it to make money. This is where the rage, stubbornness and personal attacks happen. Since he insisted in driving, because he worked and paid for the car. His driving is extremely aggressive and despite the scared begging from the other parent, he continues taking chances. After all it’s everyone else at fault, he is protecting the family from being taken advantage – it’s all about winning. He tells at everyone in the car, “Why won’t you let me win?” “All of you are always winning!”
You nailed what happened when my former wife, a narcissist, went to talk to our Pastor. She made it out that somehow I was the one causing all the problems. That when I said something was happening, she either minimized it or said it wasn’t happening. We agreed to do certain things to help our relationship, and she broke that agreement as soon as we were in the car. And again made it out that somehow her actions were caused by me. When we went back to talk to our Pastor and he asked how things were going, I pointed out the pattern of me doing what I needed to do and my that wife didn’t. And she, along with the Pastor, somehow turned it around that I was the one who was lacking and not doing enough in the relationship. After that, there wasn’t much use in going for some kind of further counseling until I!! got my wife’s crap together so we could move onto to making it all work.
What I can’t understand is why EVERYONE can’t see right through his B.S…? It’s so embarrassing to watch him try to use big words (always pronounced wrong, flipped or just completely the wrong word), falsely compliment, brag, and talk talk talk talk talk. I cringe. Actually I guess people do eventually catch onto him since he’s been fired from every job he’s had since I’ve known him.
When I moved out and filed for divorce, her only efforts to fix things involved following me everywhere and trying to get everyone to tell me I was wrong. She saw couples therapy as some sort of magical place where a stranger could guilt me into moving back in. I caved and went to one session. It was the same damn argument with an audience. The only difference was that I could answer “I want out of this” or “I moved out and it’s not changing” when the counselor asked me something. My ex then followed me out of the session and boxed my car in in the parking. I walked around a nearby shopping area to deescalate things and was followed through several stores. I was not surprised but somehow did not expect a trap. If you do go to counseling, make sure the counselor can help you leave safely after the session.
love the point on the necessity to establish “evidence base” and notes, we’ve had to cut a narcissistic member in the past that always threw up the legalities of 1 vs 2 part consent laws to counter this method. We’ve really come to a point with information to pinpoint narcissism… same as racism, when we ID these dualities (as they ARE correlated Dr. Carl Bell ) they react very aggressively to one understanding their experiences. Dealing with these ppl is like performing an exorcism. The glaring, eye rolling, head spinning and vileness of dialogue responses from them. Lol like wth.
Couples therapy was one of the most awful experiences for me in this ongoing 30 yr nightmare. Resisting the temptation to go on and on I’ll just mention that in the last of only a couple joint sessions the narc was making up reality(lying) before our very eyes. I pointed out that what was being said never happened and were lies. Narc took offense so “Dr Silverman” determined that I could no longer do that. Narc continued making up a convenient reality and I objected. I was immediately shut down. Being invalidated by a “therapist” at a time so soon after a breakdown and desperate for help…have not sought out help since. Oh I desire help immensely but too many trust issues. I guess that’s how the narc wants it😐 So, I sit and watch YouTube articles. No therapy is better than bad therapy.
My original couples therapist saw that my ex was berating and unempathetic, and suggested working with me individually, too, so I could make more rapid improvements. I kept going to that therapist while my ex found every excuse possible to avoid going and being held accountable. My ex eventually gave a reason to stop going altogether, then a few months later as the relationship devolved further they found a new therapist to discard me in front of.
I had collected all of your wo on my phone which was new and it completely died now I’m stuck without all the information not just yours but lots of other information to I’m so aggravated nothing is sacred in this world today especially with technology. But this is just the best topic ever you need to do a whole book on this that person that said it is right absolutely right let’s say scenarios and examples from people that would be the best thing you could do right now
In 2004, my ex wanted me to give him a rundown on what I planned to talk about with the couples therapist that he found. I played dumb. I’m not sure that that therapist knew much about narcissism. I sure didn’t then. I left our 16-year relationship later that year. What a relief. I’ve had nightmares in which I was back in that relationship with him, and didn’t know how to get out again.
I wanted to go to couples counselling. I wanted to sort it out for the sake of our kids. My ex refused saying that I would turn the counsellor against her. She then found a counsellor, went to see them, then threatened me with leaving unless I went. This seemed bizarre since I wanted to in the first place. When I got there I found out why – my ex had sold her narrative to the counsellor. The next sessions involved me saying “no that’s not what really happened …” I decided to quit since the counsellor had already accepted my ex’s explanation and the counselling session was me paying the cousellor $$$ for time to correct the counsellor. Then my ex threatened to leave me unless I continued, so I went back. Eventually the counsellor saw through her, called out her narcissism, and she quit stating it was “going nowhere”. The counsellor explained to me the “4 horsemen of the apocalipse” of relationships were all there and that the relationship was not viable.
Theer was no way to protect myself in therapy. The goal post was moved all the time. I would go to counseling, only to look like the one who was causing all the problems in the household. My ex_wife would put on the mask and look charming, friendly and like the person who did nothing to cause any issues. It was crazy making for me and I appeared as if I was making everything up. This sucked. I always walked out at the end of session worse off and asking “What just happened every time.” In the end I was teaching the therapist about Narcissist, Narcissism and NPD Abuse after I started finally figuring things out about my spouse. Counseling as a coupe was completely a waste of time and money.☹️
One thing I would add Dr. Ramani is that I had no idea at the time of the failed traumatizing “couples” therapy that I was with a narcissist. I only knew everything was wrong with how I had been treated by him and then cheated on. With that said, I had boundaries anyway. I did not want the therapists (a married couple) to allow him to just say anything. I urged and basically begged for sessions to be more structured and organized with clearly written objectives. It never happened. I do not know how to help when the survivor themself is clueless about what they’re dealing with. In the end, I felt railroaded and scapegoated as the focus literally shifted from him to me. He manipulated and charmed and cried and dressed to the nines and even got hugged cheek to cheek by the female therapists (even after I said do not) Bottom line: I’ll never do couples therapy ever again in my life! Besides, we aren’t a couple anymore anyway.
I actually refused to do therapy with the narcissist. I do not believe it is safe 9physically or emotionally) to engage in couples therapy when violence is involved. The “Honest communication” on the part of the victim or “confrontation of the narcissist’s behavior ” by the therapist can cause the narcissist to become so angry that they engage in more violence towards the victim after the therapy session.
Thankfully, I just found this article. My husband has been gaslighting me for over 20 years and it’s almost like I just woke up this past year and realize what was happening to me. We started doing couples counseling, and the therapist was seeming like she was listening to what I was saying and understanding, and then he sent her a private email, and after that email things changed. All of a sudden it turned into me projecting everything onto him and that’s why he was acting the way he was. I decided to terminate that therapist because I knew that that wasn’t going to help. Still stuck but I have options. At least I know now that not all therapists are able to figure this out and some of them do you get charged by the narcissists and I’m going to have to remember that and look very carefully at our very first and second sessions again if we try it again.
Thank you for this! 💗 My spouse’s family doctor recommended a social worker after telling my spouse he was in a manic state. This has been needed for 10 years and more before I was in the picture. My spouse told me he was concerned that they would be biased and expressed concern to the doctor. His doctor just said that this was a great recommendation. We’ll see. We’ll also see if he follows through with going.
This was 20 years ago but I saw a psychologist before I ended up in couples therapy. When I gave a summary of what the psychologist said to me to the couples therapist, the therapist repeatedly told me I was lying. I even asked the therapist to refer us onto someone else because it turned into a battle of wills between the therapist and myself. The therapist refused. The whole process enabled my ex, and left me thinking I was going insane. It was a court clinical psychologist who wrote a report that showed what was going on
Pre Ramani I got suckered into a bad pill addiction and therapist sessions with my dear narc. Drove me insane… literally stripped every shred of my individuality away, grasp of reality and self worth down to zero. Now that I found the good doc, I’m a smarter guy these days and did some homework during my most recent downward cycle with my narc where she wanted to drag me into another psychological boxing ring with her cousin therapist…. No thanks. I said no and will be seeking specialized individual professional support. I know I’m not strong enough and it’s first hand experience with a manipulative covert, vindictiveness with an enabling court laughing at the fool who didn’t know he is being gaslighted.
I was gaslighted horribly in couple’s therapy by my soon-to-be-ex in 2008. 14 years later he wants to go again because the marriage is ending…I’m done wasting my precious time and will never agree to therapy with him unless he addresses his narcissism with a therapist for a very long time. Kids are almost grown. Youngest will be 18 in June. I think it’s time for me to make my exit.
I tried couples therapy with my ex. It was clear from the first session that it wasn’t going to work. By the end of the session I was the one being “unreasonable” with my expectations, and they were giggling among themselves like little school kids. All I expected was to be heard in the relationship. I didn’t think that was unreasonable 🤔
Yes! Went to couples therapy and somehow I came out worse than when I went in. She would ask us to say something nice about your partner, I said plenty and he said nothing. Therapist said nothing about his lying but addressed my looking at his phone to find the truth. It ended in no growth and he just used those things we learned from therapy to manipulate further. It was a disaster.
I have a 17 yr old daughter. We’ve been in therapy for a long time. Family therapy was horrible and her personal therapist is a flying monkey. I’ve been suffering her abuse and it’s impossible to Get other people to understand what it is I’m going through. Everyone thinks I’m being mean to her when I’m defending myself. I grew up, entire childhood was trauma. No one ever believed me. Now I’m going thru it all over again.
Best topic yet..Last time he immediately got right into it it…took the opportunity to gain sympathy from the therapist who was actually my counselor but gave up on me and agreed to do couples counseling since I could not stop focusing on him in my therapy. He started talking about his abused what his mother did to him how she loved him and his roommate and staying in his room for months at a time blahblahblah we know that isn’t true but you gained that sympathy from my counselor unbelievable and by the way my Council left a few weeks later and I was left in the cold
My 2nd husband turned into Mr Hyde as soon as he put the noose on my finger. I saw who he really was and that my kids and I were in danger. I made him leave after 3 months, but he talked me into seeing a marriage counselor first. Even though he chose the guy, I got lucky. The therapist said “If you two stay together it will get even harder, so you need to want to work harder.” That’s all I needed to hear. I was gone before the session even ended.
My relationship with my narcissistic ex-wife ended years ago and we went to couples therapy. The therapist herself was narcissistic in my opinion. She enabled my then wife’s behaviour and put the blame of the problems on me. I was further gas light by her and it was awful. I ended up complaining to that therapist’s order, but there was never any consequences for her.
We just started family counseling and the ex-wife (the controlling, entitled bully) found this therapist. The first session was an absolute nightmare!! She (the ex) was screaming, wouldn’t let us get a word in, she was name calling, raging, lying, accusing us of nonsense (cherry picking different situations from different years and merging them together to make us look bad), was being cruel and hostile. I actually walked out of the session because I couldn’t take it anymore. She was so nasty that it wasn’t a safe space. The therapist literally let things get out of control. How do I question the therapist l’s ability or knowledge without looking like an asshole. All the therapist kept saying was “there seems to be a communication problem”. It was so awful:(
We went to a retreat for troubled marriages. It was absolutely the most traumatic experience of my life while my husband tsk tsked that I was uncooperative. Later I have worked hard in individual therapy. She advised me not to participate in couples therapy as it would lead to emotional and possibly physical abuse for me.
VIDEO IDEA: how to tell if a therapist might themselves be a narcissist. I’m convinced, based on several bad experiences with therapists, that the occupation tends to attract a disproportionately high number of narcissists (compared to NPDs prevalency “in the wild”) Over the years, I’ve come to discover certain LMFTs to themselves be narcissists. Usually tho these discoveries took too many sessions (and so, only after great damage had already been done). It’d be great if you’d discuss ways that one might more quickly vet them Thanks
Just don’t go to couple therapy, couple therapy is for relationship issues. Issues in the relationship with a narcissist aren’t the relationship issue, these are the narcissist’s issues manifested in this relationship. So basically couple therapy does split the narcissist’s manifested issues between you and the narcissist, and girl that hurts so bad! Bonus point, the narcissist learns new terms and means to blame shift even further!
We did one session with a therapist w. I went thinking it was a way for her to work on the relationship indirectly, because working with me directly would be to much for her ego. We had a 15 minute introductory session in which she agreed to let me speak. I told the therapist why we were seperated, our last big argument, and ended it there. She got upset that i didnt mention how much i “tortured” her over the 15 years in that 15 minute session. I tried to speak to her afterwards, thinking perhaps this was all a ploy to get me to speak to her again as was in no contact. She totally blew me of, and i realized she wasnt serious. Later, when i told her therapy was her idea, she said she only suggested it as a way to make me realize it was all my fault… i thought she was just being mean, and perhaps inside she really did want to work things out… I realize now, that being the narcissist she is, that was the actual truth, as obnoxious as it was. She never wanted to reconcile, she just wanted to prove herself right. Thank god i never went back to therapy, but she threw it in my face later, as though i was the one not wanting to work on things.
I wish I’d had this advice eight years ago. I convinced my now-ex to go with me to couples therapy as a last-ditch attempt to avoid the divorce he was threatening me with. In hindsight, our therapist had no clue about NPD, was charmed by the narc, and convinced us that we could just work on “fixing” me. Thousands of dollars spent in five months, only to validate the narc and re-traumatize me. We stopped because the money ran out. That horrible, expensive experience bought us 3 more years of marriage hell, though. Maybe it was better for the kids’ sake to have an intact family for a little while longer. I hope so.
I had 1 session of couple’s therapy where my husband blatantly lied to the therapist about me so that he could prove that I was a horrible person who treated him badly. He made up stories to justify the lack of physical relationship between us. The therapist ended up telling me that she needs to work with me to “fix” the marriage. I didn’t go in for anymore sessions. Demanded divorce just after this session.
The testing revealed my ex to be solidly narcissistic. I learned that afterwards doing research on my own.. The therapist chose to focus on keeping the relationship together at all costs. My ex learned much more devious behavior strategies and the whole thing got so bad, I had to get out. Found a much better therapist for my own recovery after that experience.
I will say this…I strategically used couples therapy as a venue to divorce. It provided a third party to monitor our interactions and I believe it was the only safe way for me to execute a exit with our kids. I knew going in it would all be BS…but to have a second set of eyes on him so he had to somewhat behave was so worth it.
My narcissistic husband wants me to go to couple therapy. I’m scared. He blames me for everything he has done. He gave me a compliment (he never has done it before), gave me flowers, he started cleaning our flat and so on- but I know it is temporary. He claims to be very poor and hurt by me. I can feel it’s only a game. But he said that if I didn’t go to this therapy it would mean I didn’t want to make our relationship better. What should I do… ? I don’t want go to this therapy. Especially, that he organised it and chose the therapist.