The author admits to having been guilty of taking advantage of others, a common issue in relationships. They emphasize the importance of taking responsibility for how you allow and invite these situations. They also mention that low self-esteem can make it difficult to recognize the red flags of family members taking advantage of you. To deal with people who take advantage of your kindness, they suggest talking to those you feel are taking advantage of you without being accusatory. They suggest using neutral words and phrases, such as “I feel like I need to explain my financial situation”.
The author emphasizes the importance of setting clear boundaries and communicating assertively to prevent family members from taking advantage of you. They suggest recognizing signs of exploitation and balancing persistence with self-worth. They recommend communicating what you need to others around you and not assuming others will magically understand your distress, needs, and preferences. They also suggest learning assertiveness, attending self-assessment classes or seeking help online.
The author also emphasizes the importance of taking a step back and evaluating the situation before agreeing to it. They suggest weighing the pros and cons of each option and managing your time effectively. The author concludes by emphasizing the importance of respecting oneself and building strong relationships. They also suggest seeking help to protect themselves from toxic family members.
In conclusion, the author emphasizes the importance of understanding the signs of family members taking advantage of you and taking responsibility for how you allow them to do so. By following these steps, you can create fulfilling family dynamics and protect yourself from harmful influences.
| Article | Description | Site |
|---|---|---|
| When Family Members Take Advantage of You | 1) Acknowledge there is a problem. · 2) Get to the root of the problem. · 3) Build your fence. · 4) Seek support in therapy. · The Moral of the … | thriveworks.com |
| How can naturally kind and generous people prevent … | You need to learn the limits of what you can give to others (especially time and energy), communicate those limits clearly, and prioritize not … | reddit.com |
| When a Family Member Takes Advantage of You | 1. Take a step back and evaluate the situation before you agree to it. · 2. Weigh the pros and cons. · 3. Manage your time. | thriveworks.com |
📹 VULNERABLE PEOPLE: Stop Being Taken Advantage Of
Licensed Therapist Kati Morton discusses how and why someone who is vulnerable can be taken advantage of. Through her life …
What To Do When Your Family Turns Against You?
Dealing with a toxic family member, like a parent or sibling, requires careful navigation of emotions and boundaries. Start by identifying your role in the relationship and observe what has driven the family dynamics that conflict with you. Establish and maintain clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being; it's acceptable to take breaks from toxic interactions. Acknowledge that family disputes are common and that their issues are not your fault—remember the mantra "not my circus, not my monkeys." Analyze the root causes of conflicts and assess whether reconnection is possible.
In some cases, it might be helpful to communicate your feelings with someone trustworthy. Seek support outside your immediate family; chosen families can provide essential emotional sustenance. If the negative behaviors persist, prioritize your mental health by distancing yourself when necessary; healing can often require individual introspection and guidance from professionals. Reflect on your experiences and consider therapeutic resources for emotional burdens.
Ultimately, fostering your own emotional resilience is crucial as you navigate these troubling familial waters. Embrace the importance of self-care and remind yourself that you are not obligated to accept harmful dynamics.
When Should You Call It Quits With Family?
Determining whether to end a relationship with a family member, particularly one who is randomly abusive, can be challenging. If no behavioral patterns emerge and there are no benefits to maintaining the connection, it might be wise to sever ties. Recognizing when to call it quits in a blended family can be particularly difficult. Signs to look for include your partner exhibiting jealousy or feelings for someone else, as these indicate deeper issues that may be irreparable.
Ending an unhealthy relationship is a personal decision, and consulting friends, family, or a professional can provide clarity. It's vital to avoid prolonged stays in a relationship just to prevent conflict; if you sense the relationship’s end is imminent, addressing it sooner can be healthier. Considerations for ending relationships include evaluating if interactions primarily invoke negativity or draining emotions. If more time spent together feels like competition, it might be an indicator that things need reevaluation.
Before finalizing decisions, reflect deeply on your happiness and circumstances. Although divorce and its alternatives present complex options, awareness of your emotional state and needs is crucial. Ultimately, when communication falters and only negative interactions persist, it could be the right moment to call it quits. Prioritize your well-being and that of your children when assessing the continued viability of the relationship.
How Do I Stop Being Used By Family Members?
To manage toxic family relationships, it's crucial to establish and consistently communicate clear boundaries. If a family member's comments are hurtful, express that these remarks are unacceptable and gently remind them if necessary. Whenever possible, limit your time with these individuals and adopt coping techniques, such as meditation, to navigate difficult interactions. Remember, you’re not obligated to replicate familial patterns, and avoid guilt or shame stemming from others' behaviors.
Adopting a mindset of self-awareness, acknowledge if you tend to dominate conversations and recognize the dynamics at play. People-pleasing can lead to being taken advantage of, which is distressing but doesn’t indicate weakness. Recognize signs of emotional manipulation, such as gaslighting, and utilize "I" statements to express concerns about your relationship. If you feel unsafe or marginalized, seek professional support from a therapist. To effectively handle a manipulative family member, identify the toxic behavior and take action, such as setting boundaries.
Ensure financial independence and refrain from initiating contact. If interactions become unproductive, focus on emotional detachment and avoidance of blame, while reminding yourself that you control your life. Among key strategies: acknowledge the problem, set boundaries, limit contact, and prioritize your well-being above family drama.
What If A Family Member Takes From You?
It's essential to recognize that, while certain family members may behave egregiously, it's ultimately your responsibility how you allow this behavior to persist. Confronting a family member who has stolen from you can be intimidating; however, it can be done without damaging the relationship by being honest and confident. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to cool down and consider your approach. Confrontation is crucial, even if uncomfortable, as ignoring the situation does not resolve it.
Establishing firm boundaries is vital to prevent exploitation, as being overly accommodating might invite manipulation. Recognizing red flags can help protect yourself from toxic family dynamics. While you may long for an apology or acknowledgment of harm, it’s important to accept that this might not always be realistic. If you're consistently taken advantage of, affirm your stance and resolve not to let it happen again. Take time to evaluate situations before agreeing to help, and if necessary, consider protective measures like guardianship.
In some cases, distance may be the best option for your well-being. Ultimately, remember that you cannot change others, and setting boundaries is vital for preserving your emotional health. Your safety should always be a priority, especially if there's a pattern of harmful behavior.
How Do I Stop Being Taken Granted?
To prevent being taken for granted, it’s essential to recognize your worth and establish boundaries in relationships. First and foremost, stop being excessively nice and learn to prioritize yourself. Clearly communicate your limits, so others understand what behaviors you will not tolerate. If someone crosses these lines, address it assertively yet politely. Acknowledge your feelings of being undervalued and remind yourself that you deserve respect. Slow down your interactions; if you’re always rushing, you may inadvertently allow others to take advantage of you.
Recognize patterns that indicate you’re being taken for granted, such as always initiating contact or paying for everything. Consequently, prioritize self-care and ensure you engage in relationships where the effort is mutual. If your partner or close friends don’t reciprocate your kindness, it’s okay to reassess the relationship.
Consider discussing how you feel with the individual involved—while it may seem uncomfortable at first, open communication can help restore balance. Ultimately, nobody can take you for granted unless you permit it. If you find yourself consistently giving more than receiving, it’s crucial to feel empowered to walk away. Focus on developing self-respect and ensuring that your relationships are equitable, where both parties appreciate one another.
How To Let Go Of Family That Hurts You?
Letting go of childhood baggage requires a thorough self-reflection on unresolved hurt and disappointment. Start by listing these feelings and delving deeper to understand their impact on your current mental and emotional health. Acknowledge how toxic family members contribute to ongoing pain and make a deliberate choice to release this burden. Forgiveness varies in meaning, but fundamentally, it involves choosing to relinquish resentment and anger. Although the hurtful actions may linger, pursuing forgiveness can diminish their emotional hold over you, leading to personal liberation.
Evaluate the overall dynamics of your familial relationships, recognizing that even those who love you can cause harm. Prioritize your well-being while communicating with these family members, adjusting your expectations for their responses. Stop underestimating the damage caused and let go of the fantasy of their change. It’s crucial to establish boundaries in the face of toxic behavior.
Consider recent scientific insights that support emotional healing and resilience. Embrace steps to reclaim your life, such as understanding the reasons behind your emotional attachments and forgiving those who’ve hurt you. Engage in practical strategies like detaching from negative interactions, avoiding triggers, and maintaining distance as needed. Surround yourself with positive influences, communicate openly about your feelings, and seek support from trusted individuals. Ultimately, your worth is not defined by how others treat you.
How Do Family Members Treat Each Other?
Family dynamics often involve one member being a sounding board for others, which can lead to feelings of being taken advantage of. To nurture healthier family interactions, it's crucial to practice patience and give each other time to prepare for outings. Strong family relationships are based on open communication, trust, and shared responsibilities. Affectionate connections foster secure environments for children, enabling them to tackle challenges collaboratively and enjoy each other's company.
Encouraging individual expression of emotions within the family strengthens bonds. Setting boundaries is essential to prevent disrespect and cultivate better dynamics, ensuring children witness mutual respect among parents. Conflicts can arise due to the close nature of familial ties, but positive interactions — such as kind gestures and open dialogue about feelings — can foster appreciation and affection. Families thrive on quality time, effective communication, and teamwork, creating a supportive atmosphere regardless of life's stresses.
It's vital for each family member to feel acknowledged and connected, balancing individual needs while maintaining overall harmony. Emotional honesty and openness lay the foundation for love and respect within the family unit, allowing everyone to grow together.
How To Deal With Family Taking Advantage Of You?
Identifying and enforcing personal boundaries is essential in family dynamics, especially when relatives may be taking advantage of your kindness and resources. Start by defining what you are comfortable with regarding financial support, time, and emotional involvement. Openly communicate your feelings with family members to avoid misunderstandings. Evaluate requests carefully; consider if you’ve been giving too much lately and whether the person can manage the task themselves.
Recognize red flags indicating exploitation, such as one-sided conversations where you listen and they dominate. It’s crucial to take responsibility for allowing this behavior and seek help if necessary. Stand firm in your boundaries without losing composure, advocating for yourself in discussions without appearing confrontational. Use neutral language when expressing your feelings; for example, "I feel overwhelmed with financial requests."
If you suspect exploitation, particularly from adult children or grandchildren, seek community support. Establishing healthy boundaries involves recognizing your needs and communicating them effectively. Be prepared to say no to unreasonable requests, directing family members towards alternate resources if needed. Ultimately, take proactive steps to protect yourself and ensure that your kindness is not misused, fostering healthier relationships with your loved ones.
How To Stop Being Taken For Granted By Family?
Feeling undervalued by family or loved ones can cause emotional strain. To combat this, it's crucial to communicate openly, establish boundaries, prioritize self-care, and seek support when necessary. If you feel taken for granted, first assert your boundaries clearly, indicating what behaviors you won't tolerate. If boundaries are crossed, respond assertively yet politely. Recognizing signs that you may be taken for granted can help you address concerns early, fostering reconnection without blame.
Acknowledge your feelings and remind yourself of your worth, as you deserve respect. Reflect on your communication style and how you express your needs. If you sense unappreciation, try not to concede immediately when asked for favors; prioritizing your own needs is vital. Here are three key signs of being taken for granted and four ways to address it: 1) Uneven communication, 2) Lack of occasional emotional dependence, and 3) Being interrupted or dismissed.
To improve your situation, implement strategies like setting boundaries, practicing self-respect, and saying no when appropriate. Engage in honest conversations with family members about your feelings to encourage mutual respect and fair treatment. Ultimately, treat your family with kindness while also ensuring your own well-being is prioritized.
What Should I Do If Someone Is Taking Advantage Of Me?
If you feel someone is taking advantage of you, communicate your feelings directly with them. Addressing these issues can lead to a resolution and prevent relationships from becoming permanently damaged. Start by recognizing the signs of being exploited, especially if it’s someone regularly in your life. Common indicators include being overly accommodating, always prioritizing others' needs, and frequently being asked for favors without reciprocation. Such behavior signifies a one-sided dynamic that can be detrimental to your well-being.
It's essential to identify these patterns to assert your needs and regain control in the relationship. Boundaries are crucial; if someone ignores them, they're likely exploiting your kindness. Address the issue openly by explaining how their actions affect you and discuss your expectations for a more balanced relationship. If they're unaware of their behavior, providing constructive feedback may help them recognize the harm they're causing.
Further, it's vital to set firm boundaries. Learn to say "no" when requests make you uncomfortable, and resist the urge to please at your own expense. Surround yourself with supportive individuals who respect you. Reflect on past experiences to understand patterns and prevent future exploitation. By acknowledging your worth and expressing it from the start, you can establish healthier dynamics and cultivate fulfilling relationships. Remember, self-respect is the foundation for protecting yourself from those who wish to take advantage of your goodwill.
📹 How To Deal With People Who Take Advantage Of You
Setting boundaries is important especially when you’re being taking advantage of. Learn ways to set boundaries so you can go …
It is really Sad that this does happen at times to vulnerable ones, it often starts when a person is young, but it can go on well into adulthood. Now it important for us to reckonise with in ourselves, that we can only do what we can, only give as much of ourselves up to a point. Then we have to stop, ask ourselves, just how am I going to help myself and who’s going to be there for me, when I find myself in times of need? Because after I have been fully spent, no energy left for my own needs, then I have become exhausted, left alone and empty. It’s time to Stop trying to help bale everyone out of their life issues, and to start caring for our own life situations, and our own family life too.
I went to a dance class and I was the only one that showed up. At the end of the class the instructor needed a ride so I let her ride with me. She didn’t offer gas money and it threw my energy off. Once we got to our destination she needed a ride again. I instantly said no with no explanation and she got upset. Felt good asserting myself for once. I let her ride 15 miles for free and she had the audacity to be upset. Im learning to stop taking on others problems because it’s not my problem and I don’t have to deal with it. I’m falling in love with my mean side now.
I was a vacation destination for friends/family. I was always the host and never the guest. It was very expensive & time consuming to where I had to stop & say “No” risking losing the relationship. Now I say “no overnight guests.” I’m healing from cancer & autoimmune issues and was feeling drained. “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm & happy.” Thank you Kati !
I no longer have any friends because all they have done to me is take advantage of kindness. One example is when my ex and I broke up, I wanted to have our bed taken away (he moved out and took all other furniture). A friend asked me for the bed. All she had to do was pick it up. I held on to the bed for 18 months and asked numerous times when she was going to get it! Finally, 2 days before house closing, she came to pick up the bed bc I had told her pick up today or I have to dispose of it. I also had our lawn mower out so anyone who wanted it could take it. We’ll, she wanted it but couldn’t pick it up till the next day. She didn’t come the next day so I left it out and someone else took it that night. The next day was closing and I was out and the house was empty. She drove by house and saw the mower was gone and had the nerve to call me at work and rip into me. How dare I give HER lawn mower to a stranger!
“People pleasers don’t have a ton of confidence so we work extra hard for people in hope that they will like us” this hits hard. As someome with low self-esteem I’ve always felt that I am never good enough so I would always move mountains for people who ended up taking advantage of me and put their needs before mine and I would still never feel good enough.
You are spot on. Someone has rightly said: “If you do a favor to somebody, protect yourself from his/her evil deeds (in return).” That is the basic principle – never expect or wait for something in return and move on instead is the best policy. Otherwise, such unwise expectations are going to sow the seeds of sorrows; ending up in a mess.
I have struggled with being taken advantage of for a long time in a little more than half of my jobs I’ve had so far (employee/ employer power dynamics can be easily abused at work) Sadly with my parents as well for most of my life too. Really good points to keep in mind for empaths, people pleasers, very agreeable people, etc… we need to protect ourselves from maniplutative, toxic people or even dangerous emotional predators like narcissists and cluster B’s. There’s a great quote that I need to remind myself of when I get a glimpse of someone’s true character or a public facing “mask” slips: “When someone shows you who they are – believe them the first time.”
This really really hurts because I’ve also been a victim of really really bad friends!!! I once had a girlfriend who was struggling, so I offered to take her out to a fancy steakhouse . She drove to the city from a small nearby town, I paid for her parking and I paid for the dinner and she said she would drop me home. After the dinner she goes or I just wanna go home and I had to pay quite a bit to get home on a cold winter night,mind you dropping me home would’ve cost maybe five dollars in gas and the cab charged over 30!! If someone can travel out of town to the city for a free dinner, sure they can drive someone nearby!!
I made it impossible for me to ever have someone take advantage of me. Realizing that my, “friends,” were the main ones taking advantage of me, I simply deleted all of them from my life and never replaced any of them. To be social is inviting someone to take advantage of you, especially in the modern, self entitlement, era. Now I am more self-reliant, independent, resourceful, free, than I have ever been. I require nobody in my life with the way most people are today. Today, nobody knows me. This assures I can never have hypocrites, liars, parasitical people, nor backstabbers in my life. I hope I never have a social life again.
Thanks for sharing this, I have worked on being better assertive these last 3 or more years. A recent situation I’ve had was at work. My work used to include everyone’s birthday prior to the inflation, and at that time, coworkers barely remembered my birthday and did not look excited to celebrate it like other coworkers. After that we stopped the birthday thing for a while. Then one day, about two weeks ago, a coworker sends an email saying we’re going to celebrate coworkers who have a May birthday, wants others to bring a homemade dish or at least donate $10. I responded to that email saying “I’m not participating nor attending.” This coworker decided to respond with “Sounds great, thanks.” It took her I think 2-3 days to respond. That response tells me she likely knows I’m not stupid. Another coworker who’s a higher up pulled me aside privately and I told her how I felt by saying “I don’t think birthdays should be celebrated unless everyone is included, my birthday was barely remembered the last time and that I’m tired of this nonsense.” That coworker agreed and told me someone said the same thing, she also said she will try to work out this issue. So thankful the way I spoke up because I’m also working on not being a people pleaser anymore.
A lesson that took me a while to learn: When you have valid reasons for not getting something done, like a physicals limitation ( I have severe Rheumatoid Arthritis flares), that is a reason, not an excuse. If someone, especially a boss (or someone in what I call a position of unilateral control ), treats valid reasons as an excuse or will not listen, excuse them from your presence. Excuse them from your life if you have to.
I was sad to see this past week that an elderly woman in my town was scammed online for over $50,000 by a foreigner. She was so manipulated that when her bank questioned her about the wire transfer to a foreign country she lied to them and said it was for a relative. People need to watch out for their elder parents and educate them on the risks of communicating with others on the internet.
In this world, people will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Your time is the most valuable thing you can give. So to not allow them to take advantage, we have to just not give them any more of our time. It’s good to tell them why though even if they will disapprove or disagree. It could be like reproving them and they might potentially learn something. I like how you mentioned earning things. It’s like that saying in the world, “you have to EARN my respect”. That is so foolish and the oppisite of wisdom if you think about it. That’s like giving ourselves an excuse to be disrespectful to others. So true wisdom means that everyone deserves respect immediately and at all times. We should always be respectful, but also willing to walk away from those that refuse to be respectful. There are people out there that won’t take advantage of others no matter what, but they are few in number. That would be a true friend.
This article came right in time for me as I have recently have had to deal with an ungrateful coworker at who I kind of extended a kind deed towards but thought I wasn’t doing enough for him and thought that I should do more. Now I don’t know if this is the best piece of advice but, one tip that I have is to not give too much of your heart out to people, especially upon just meeting them. If you offer to help them let the other person know right away the limit to which you will take out of your own time to attend to them. The same goes for anybody asking you for help. Never feel that you are selfish for not doing something for somebody that you don’t have enough time or energy for. Edit: You can still be kind to people while protecting yourself from falling prey to being taken advantage of. Always keep new people in your life at an arms length until you get to know them better. Hope this helps.
I don’t often comment but this is spot on and I often say the same thing – don’t mistake my kindness and generosity with stupidity. I’ve ended quite a few so called “friendships” and relationships because people took advantage of my kindnes. I do take some responsibility on my part of course. People will only push you as far as you let them and the kinder or generous you are be it money, time, attention, the more they will take. I don’t wish to fall in the ‘victim mentality’ trap either. It’s more about lessons learned, how can I spot the signs early and maybe on some occasions take a few steps back. So this is really helpful thank you (it’s not alway easy to spot when you’re being taken advantage of). I do often wonder about the term “people pleaser” which can come with a sense of shame. But I too come from a religious background and generation where we were told to put others and their needs before our own, so no wonder all we ever do is do good by others and put their needs before our own. Otherwise you’re just selfish and thats a big no no or worse – evil (I saw your Religious trauma article and that was on the point too). All we are left to do now is challenge old beleives, undo year’s of conditioning and do better for ourselves so keep doing what you’re doing to raise awareness. Thank you🙏❤️
I was in a vulnerable place fresh from toxic relationship and a con man of a guy came and pretended to be my hero. He made me feel seen & heard and validated all my insecurities. He made me emotionally dependent on his moods which decided if we had a good day or bad day.. he said “i only want to help and support you” and “make you happy” and while I didn’t need him to make me happy I was happy a guy was so into me and loved me sm. He quickly started belittling me, shaming, mocking me and took my mental health situation and kindness and understanding for granted and abused me mentally and SAd me. He kept saying i was “so innocent” and had “a big heart” bc he saw i wasn’t aware of the games at first. He forced me to do things I wasn’t comfortable doing and totally dismissed me and never apologized when I got the strength to confront him. He put me thru so much abuse and would give flowers & gifts so I dont fully heal and move on. I was giving him everything he wanted and hardly said no. He didn’t have to abuse me to get sxx but I learned in therapy he was actually after control. And when im hooked on him he will have less lovebombing to do bc im so addicted. Which was starting to happen. Im glad I walked away and tried to leave 4x. I am gathering the strength to press charges on him for DV and SA but im not used to holding ppl accountable or fighting for myself. Pray I find the strength. Send me good vibes bc justice would bring me so much peace and closure.
Great tips I’ve been taken advantage of and allowed myself to be scammed out of thousands in the entertainment industry. I do spoken words and recently started doing events and making music. I have just been throwing money and not getting anything back and just want to have a team of people that want help because I am doubting I want to continue dealing with people and just learn how to do all this on my own
I hadn’t realise till what happened recently with a friend how much of a people pleaser I have been being and yes that’s the trouble people take your kindness as weakness and therefore there’s plenty of users & abusers out there to hurt & betray you! It’s got to the point I’d rather be alone than be with these fake friends/snakes! Thanks for your informative article. x
I’m dealing with the fallout from going no contact with a narcisistic mother. A lot of these points I feel every day. Especially the one where i’m allowed to take up space. One thing I did notice is a rather amusing combo. I am learning to set boundries and that i’m allowed to set boundries. I ask my friends to do so in combination with expectation management. Some people around me have a hard time setting boundries as well and they let me know that they found the way i communicated how I expected them to set a boundry so we were clear on eachother’s expectations very helpful. It took away a base feeling of guilt they often felt. The plus side for me, is that it also means that i’m allowed to set boundries and they also help me with that. I have to admit, i have some truely awesome friends and we help eachother get through past trauma.
I’ve been perusal you for awhile now and never comment, but I feel so moved by this article with all of your vulnerabilities out while speaking your truth. I have been cold and hard for some time, but was convinced to open my heart more, only to get burned a multitude of times. I feel understood and now empowered to find balance in this struggle. Thank you x1000!
Communicating about expectations up front!! This is so important. For a while I felt like I was the only one in my sphere doing this. I do this for clarity and I noticed most were taken aback with me setting time on commitments. Being sincere is kind, it allows others to not have a false set of expectations of your time so they may plan accordingly. Anyway, it still can receive the look ‘of course I wouldn’t expect more’, however when more is expected and I can’t, I have the peace that I was sincere. But it is a challenge, for many are casual when it comes to respecting limits and suddenly you have to address it again. And when you are dealing with family and friends it’s hard, you love them. I love how you said “you don’t have to set yourself on fire to help others stay warm”. ❤
Omg I feel you so so hard in this article, Katie. When you talked about being embarrassed about the story about the horrible landlord and blaming yourself, all I could do was nod because I’ve been there and it’s something I’m working through. I remember being deathly afraid to speak up for myself and felt convinced that friends, partners and relatives would lash out at me and punish me for speaking my truth because other relatives did the same to me when I was very young. It’s such a sucky feeling when you’re taken advantage of, and I’m trying to remind myself that the people who want to and deserve to be in my life and have a healthy relationship with me, aren’t going to be upset with me for setting boundaries and saying no. I’m also trying to listen to my gut and be honest about how I feel and giving people an opportunity to show up for me (or not). Forcing myself to feel the fear but set the boundaries and speak up for myself anyway and seeing how people have surprised me and have been receptive to my needs and desires has been very healing, has led to a lot of growth and has led to a much better understanding of myself and my needs ❤ best of luck to my fellow recovering people pleasers!
I had my therapist take advantage of me. They had just started their own private practice and wanted me to work for them because they said I was very smart and would be a good fit for the practice. They also promised me pay when the practice could afford to pay employees (this honestly should have been a red flag). I worked with them for nearly 5 years and never got paid for the work even though they kept promising me they would. I regret being so “kind” to them because I thought they were genuienlly looking out for my best interest, but it turned out they were only using my as free labor in the end and when they found someone else, they had no problem ghosting me. I was a people pleaser and got easily felt guilty when I asked for pay. I thought for years my therapist didn’t pay me because I wasn’t performing well enough, despite being the only one to do the finances and billing, marketing, cleaning, and technology installations (cameras, computers, TVs, lights, etc.). I was in university at this time and I gave up so much of my studies to help my therapist with their practice that I ended up neglecting my studies all together and wasting all my time in university. I spent too much time “working” with the practice because my therapist said I should consider a job in psychology or administration instead of what I was pursuing (which was finance). Asking for money was off the table because they would reply with “you’re doing this so you can help the community” or “think of others you can help with this position working with me”, which made me feel so bad for asking for pay.
I’ve worked on healing my CPTSD for almost 3 years now. I don’t emote like I used to. What I’m now trying to do is be happy and peaceful 24/7 with absolutely no struggles. I hate feeling sad, angry, or any of those emotions. Even the natural emotions. I feel like I have to be perfectly happy and peaceful 24/7 to prove that I’m working on my healing or to prove that I’ve healed, and that I have to shut all the other emotions out and hope they don’t exist. I want to be a new age musician, but in order to do this, I’m not allowed to feel vulnerable, I’m not allowed to be sad, I’m not allowed to grieve, I’m not allowed to be angry. I need to be happy 24/7 to prove that I’m healed. I have to shut my emotions off to prove that I’m happy and at peace.
One thing I’m learning, and need to learn more, is I’m very nice. I try to put myself in other peoples shoes, I’m honest, I’m loving, I do not like to hurt people. I think I assumed everyone was like me, and they are not. So I’m looking up communication skills, on how to not get walked on, how to stand up for myself etc. Because ppl will take advantage of me. They know I’m nice and will purposely put me down, or ask for money or whatever. About 50% of the people in this world are pretty nice, and 50% are jerks. I’m tired of being pushed around. I have SMI and that comes w low self worth etc. I’m not the carpeting under the worlds feet. Confidence and assertive behavior is what I need to learn. Wish me luck. SMI ppl are treated less than, and actually I’m a fabulous person. It begins with loving oneself
Storytime: One time a good girlfriend invited me to her birthday party. I was also good friends with her best friend. I arrived and contributed $150 to our friend for the VIP table. Then they decided that they wanted to bar hop instead… the girl did not immediately return my money. I sent her a request for payment and she ghosted me. I then screen shot the request and sent it to the birthday girl who was very close with (for years) and she also ghosted me. I had been “friends” with the birthday girl for 5 years or so. I had even shown up at her graduation with lavish congratulatory presents. It was a disappointing wake up call to say the least.
Great article, Kati! Going slow in relationships has been the best solution for my issues with being taken advantage of. And if someone keeps pushing and is unwilling to go at my pace and respect my boundaries, I know that we’re not really compatible as friends or whatever the relationship dynamic is (and I get really uncomfortable anyway). Going slow also gives me time to experiment with saying “no” and seeing how the person reacts…that speaks volumes.
I’m collecting a growing list of people that are manipulative/abusive/fraudsters that I have had to extract myself from. What I would love to know is ‘how to pick them in a crowd so that I can turn away early and not engage with them?’ Also I fear that my body language, words, naivety, kindness or cooperation some how puts a ‘pick me’ target on my head. So how do I not advertise myself to them? Whilst also being open to building real friendships with kind, honest & authentic people.
Here’s a useful tip if it might help anyone. A sort of “passive protest.” What you do when someone approaches you with a request and your instincts get that familiar twinge: Hesitate. Don’t feel pressured to provide a solution. Look undecided, like it doesn’t make sense. Let the silence get awkward. Leave the ball in THEIR court. Then, if they don’t withdraw or modify their request, look skeptical and say “Why do you ask?” and then, wait. One innocent question, forcing them them defend, or even sweeten the deal. Finally, if they play on your sympathy, STILL do not take ownership (and do not ever apologize). Develop your demeanor to act slightly PUT-OUT by what they’ve said. Like it has a slightly repulsive taste you can’t identify. Practice your subtle-stink-face, and commit. It’s way more powerful than you’d think. People start to dismiss you from their list of potential favor-doers. It’s not a sin to hesitate and look skeptical.
Wow, do I see SO much of myself in this. I’ve had some real doozies of “friendships” in my past and recently a business relationship with a big multimillion dollar company that basically just imploded a couple months ago because they didn’t want to pay their vendors anymore. I left the situation only mildly unscathed, but I know a lot of indie artists who were screwed out of tens of thousands extended credit to this business. And the owner was a big influencer type who is receiving all this pity from customers of hers who don’t know how she treated her vendors and employees. But thankfully I was picking up on the signs of being taken advantage of a year or two before and really started putting my foot down with boundaries. I’m so glad I listened to my gut when it was screaming at me to notice the signs. I told other fellow indie artist vendors that I was personally acquainted with to watch their backs with this business, and now we all know what to look out for should this ever happen again. Hopefully not, but it’s a good lesson to keep on file.
I’ve had that kind of situation with landlords. I couldn’t prove that I’d played them a deposit so they got away with ripping me off. Private landlords are a bunch of crooks. I’ve had many other instances where I’ve been taken advantage of and one day I just decided never to do anything for anyone ever again.
Living with a physical disability means I have to accept a lot of help which sometimes makes me feel indebted to provide emotional or work support that becomes depleting rather than reciprocating. It can be tricky to find the right balance, but communication is key! I am willing to help if I have the energy to do so and check in with others to make sure they are helping because they want to versus feeling obligated. Thank you for sharing your relatable experiences, Kati
When I met people who are people pleasers or too nice…I always make things as equal as possible…..I do not take advantage. I myself have been too nice most of my life..people think you are weak or not smart..What gets to me is that, as I mentioned, just because a person is too nice only a bad person ( in my opinon) takes advantage. I appreciate a good person and reciprocate . If not at the momment then next time….I guess I am saying that some people are predators.and some are givers.
I’m having a really hard time with setting boundaries. I know when I need to set them, cause I’m getting this heavy feeling inside, but just the thought of actually doing it makes me very anxious and afraid. This one “friend” (or whatever) was using me as an emotional dumpster for the last couple of weeks, cause I apparently let her do that by not saying NO. Me being a social worker is already draining my entire energy, and I definitely should have been clear with that friend of mine, but I wasn’t. The result was outburst at work. I almost resigned and acted totally unprofessional. I can’t forgive myself for my behavior and keep ruminating about destroying everything I achieved. I really don’t know how to let go of the shame and the guilt eating me alive. Why couldn’t I just put myself first? Why I let the stress overwhelm me and this “friend” to suck the energy out of me? When will I learn damn it!
I personally had a friend account get hacked and I know her in real life and I didn’t know her account was hacked, and she asked me to join a clothing group, like she was going to start selling clothes and I agreed, and next thing you know my whole Instagram was hacked, and I had to look up a article on YouTube, it was the most stressful thing I ever had to deal with, because I use my Instagram account to review products and I don’t have a big following but the work I put into it was almost disabled by trying to regain my account.
Thank you Kati for sharing your vulnerability to help others. That’s very courageous of you. And I’m very sorry that you were taken advantage of. In my late teens, I lost my father. My heart was completely shattered. In my journey to find healing via yoga especially via Naam Yoga, I got financially screwed by the people who faked being the most loving people on earth. Definitely taking it slowly in relationship is my take away.
wow, the timing on this has been immaculate!! As i just realized after a 15 years since i started being an emotional caretaker for my mom as a child and subsequently repeating this pattern in all other reationships (without knowing of course), I am practicing and learning how to find my boundarires, communicate them and enforce them if necessary. its a very long and complicated process but so necessary, for living a fulfilling life. thank you! And its also SOOOO crazy that i also had to set boundaries with a landlord that wouldnt give me my deposit back meanwhile i was also kind and patient waiting for 9 months, but realized i was just being a doormat.
I also went through similar experiences. Thanks for sharing yours that cheers me up! After living in seven countries as a single-career woman, I came to know that there were many who treated me as a vulnerable woman who could be taken advantage of, on the other hand, there were many who heartily helped me. I still cherish the relationships with the latter ones.
My vulnerability issue was when I first came out of the hospital I wanted everyone to know what was wrong. To be honest it was nice to get it out there but than more and more people clung to me ask more and more in-depth. Which rekindle my symptoms. My than therapist told me it is like having the flu, you can say you feel I’ll but you don’t have to tell everyone what color the vomit was.
I am a victim. I realize that today and it will continue until I say I have a boundary. I said last night I wasn’t going to do anything. I ended up spending so much money. And when you’re done with your money, they’re not there for you and it’s just a sad situation, but we have to learn not to be nurturers. We have to learn to be strong and say no, if someone offers you something, it’s to be paid for not for you to pay for it. Every time I go and turn around it’s happening over and over again. I have to continue say no. Thank you. I don’t need your help. Otherwise you get taken a banner joke
I’m an extreme giver. I’ve always found great joy in helping. And when I had larger income, that included jumping in and covering a $ bill, a repair, whatever. Ide grown up seeing my beautiful Mother do same. Now I’m 71, still giving / helping/ assisting, but with wisdom. And boundaries. It’s taken its toll. I’m just these past few years, learning the way,, but I feel crushed and taken advantage of often,,, it’s a daily battle.
Generally Kati I Feel the same exact way as others, I generally tend to listen to certain types of music songs through YouTube or think about exciting upcoming days ahead depending what the plans for the month and year actually are…I have mild ADHD and Autism and I have a Filipino Cousin here in upper North America who’s Autism is worst than mine and another Southeast Asian Canadian Biological Cousin who actually apparrently had severe anxiety which is sad and heartbreaking to think of which is why he’s on Medication while I’m actually able to openly express myself even from both Positive and Negative Experiences both past and recently while another form of Advantage is generally commonly known to be what’s considered to be recognized as turn downs, dissapprovals and or Rejections…But I’ve also prepared myself up through mindset during the 2020s for that, when it comes to workplace celebration parties or occassions of any sorts well people should also not show favouritism and also include and Accept their Colleagues Biological Son and Daughter just as much the same as everyone else…We all Realize that not everybody nor everyone else around you may say yes when asking to get a picture with them in any workplace but at least please stop being so selfish and greedy in an inconsiderate way and have a Heart at Least or ask why…You’re a Greathearted and Thoughtfulhearted Person there Kati plus a Favourite Female YouTuber well one of them of many.!!!! Sincere Thanks since because these articles are a really great example and learning tutorial.
I am a people-pleaser and I have NO self-esteem. I got used all the time that it just seemed like that was the way friends worked, you get used and soon as you are no longer useful they WILL abandon you because the reality is that no one cares about anyone but themselves. So anyway when I was graduating high school in the autograph section of the yearbook everyone added the same comment above their signature “Stick up for yourself”. So yeah this article hits big time.
This is something I still need to work on. My circle of friends is now so small that I can spend an entire week not seeing a single soul. Still grieving the end of a long friendship that ended very abruptly without any reason or explanation from the other side after we went on a vacation together and haven’t heard from that person again. I kept giving that person so much slack because he was hurting a lot and I wanted to be there for him more than he was for me
I just had a situation where my neighbour asked if I could look after their 7 cats, tropical fish, and Guinea pigs for a week whilst they were on holiday… Not only did I do that, I paid for more food for the animals as they didn’t leave enough, and I made sure they had essentials in their fridge for when they returned. I haven’t received a thank you, and that was over a week ago 😕 I feel a bit sh*t tbh!
I recently had the weirdest experience with my wife ( married 8 together 15 years) she was asking me to work with her on a home business project 20hour committed over 2 days. Normally I just do these things without hesitation because of course you support your S.O. but I decided to try to use a stepping stone to saying no from a book I’d read. “Sure, as long as you will commit to helping me with the yard for 2 hours Sunday. So I don’t fall behind on the yard work” to my shock she threw her phone into the parking lot and said I don’t have time for your bullshit il do it myself since you are so fucking busy. I’ve never seen her like that before and even now 2 weeks later she acts like her screen being cracked is my fault. I don’t even know what or how to approach this now.
My experience was with a professional who job was to help survivors of abuse. She was very supportive all the time but I realized every help she offered me, there’s string attached either by taking my time, walking on eggshells, imposing things on me without asking me if it’s ok for me. Anytime I declined a request,she gave me a silent treatment. I’ve been practising boundaries alot.
To me it was always a “friend” who needed a favor that got me. When this got out of hand, I looked up common requests and would refer people to a list of resources. And no one ever was like- thanks – that was a good community service/therapist/book. Nope. Never. When it became clear to others that I was not giving, they were gone, and to me it became clear that they did not want the resource, but just me on hand. Solution – I make sure that there is no exchange of resources, giving nor receiving, until I have known someone to be a good person for a long time. I was willing to consider a rare exception, but that never came up. And – these friends I have now, that I would do alot for, interestingly don’t need anything!
This is a fantastic topic. I have always been someone that is very protective of my energy. It was most likely born out of life/childhood trauma, many coin this as “empathic”. My energy can feel really fragile. Every once in awhile I need like a people detox day. And while I know everyone has a different set of boundaries, I keep the energy that I have locked down and protected, and I give to very selected people that prove to not drain me, but my goodness, I feel that so many people are draining. I know that it is okay for me to say no, but I also feel like part of this is a “me” problem. Does anyone have any feedback at all on how to boost resilience? I think boundaries are so important, but I’ve protected mine for so long to such a severe degree that I’ve become very isolated.
Thank you Kati your articles are helpful, greatful that you share this information here. I thought I would share with you my perspective of people pleasing with you, maybe it will help. I have always believed we should treat others how we would want them to treat us, that is what God would want. However with things I went through as a child, sexual abuse, makes the child feel unlovable, and emotional neglect, my giving became how I thought I could become loved or lovable. I have been learning boundaries, and understanding more about emotions with your help here, and just where I am with my healing process and faith. I hope this insight can help. God Bless You and thank you for making a difference!
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness,is what I’ve learned recently I this last year . I am sixty four so you can imagine how many times I have been taken advantage of. It is very hurtful . Boundaries are very important and yes don’t light yourself on fire 🔥 to warm someone. You are awesome sharing your own story, thank you 😊
Thank you so much for your site. I have noticed that people in the classroom I am working in are taking advantage of my kindness. I was brought up to be kind, caring, nice, helpful and supportive. A friend told me to think before offering and doing things, to leave/allow others to that job and for me to move on. I was born in a generation that worked. These people I work with come late, leave early and call out a lot. Wow, can you believe this, the teacher would correct me on Mickey Mouse things and working like a dog, but you wouldn’t correct these lazy, forgot this and that, sit around until told to do something. Now, I have learned what to do (to not do). I was the problem, I allowed myself and them to take advantage of me. Ha ha ha, those days are gone.
Thank you a lot 💜The blaming part is hurtful. When you are waiting a thing, moment to blame yourself, it is very open thing to others. When they start to understand that, they start to use you. I don’t think my first problem is being peoplepleaser. Actually it is blaming myself. It is strange to get love from others. So actually even though Im astonished everytime people take care of me, but Im getting used to it. I overcame my “being loved” desire, and see people how they actually are, I am even feeling better now. But when I am impulsive I can promise some favors that I regret for it later
I’ve learned through hard and bitter experience, that it just doesn’t pay to be nice or kind to people or do them special favors, or go out of your way to help them, unless you’re dealing with the very best kinds of people who have college degrees, go to church, listen to classical music and read good books. It takes intelligence to care about people, and that’s why most people don’t care, they haven’t got the brains to know how to care, or appreciate a loving friend
I don’t like my family. I love them but I don’t like them. I feel like it’s my fault too, because I kept giving them what they want with no regards for myself just because they asked. Yet when I need support, emotional support, I am being ungrateful and a burden. But, it’s ok when they do the reverse, because their feelings matters ✨ I recently learned to put boundaries and not just agree with things just because. It’s hard, but it feels way better and I feel less depressed and unheard so that’s a plus 👍
This article resonated with me today because when looking for a job online recently, I ran into a lot of scammers, which was disappointing. So I had to put boundaries around that, and be more careful. Also I had an accident about 2 months ago, and broke my ankle, so I’ve been dealing with a lot… specifically with Insurance companies. It’s like I have to be very aware about what’s fair treatment in this situation towards myself. I don’t know, it’s been an experience for sure.
Great article, Kati—and I really appreciate your vulnerability when you talk about your personal experience with this. That can’t be easy for you; it’s so helpful for me to hear it because it’s so relatable. My boundaries suck! 😑But I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, and considering bringing it up with my therapist. This article has given me some great things to help explain to her what’s going on with me. Thank you so much—this is priceless information, and I’m so grateful for you.
Lost my husband a little over a year ago. Life insurance was something others were aware of. Not much but boy did I give it away in the midst of my grief. Some people who I thought truly cared were the ones who got me the worse. Now I am broke and of course I can’t get help. It is devastating. Say No if you are vulnerable. Reach out to a trustworthy friend for advice. Did this to myself. It sucks.
My co-worker doesn’t have a motorbike, so she hitchs with me every day going to our workplace (back and forth). Sometimes, I want to have some me-time but I can’t. Also, she brings her teenage daughter to our workplace. Now, me and my other co-worker send each of them to our workplace. I’m so tired but I hate myself that I cannot confront her.
After years of therapy, I had finally gained self value, overcame minor agoraphobia & started living a more full & liberated life. That was from 2014 to October 2016. Then I moved to a very negative, toxic city to be with my family. They had moved here a few years prior. I was only supposed to be here for a year, arriving right before my mother’s open heart surgery & helping through the following year of her recovery. It’s been eight years now. I am so severely agoraphobic that I’m basically couch bound. My kindness was ravaged. I originally joked but then started to seriously think, “maybe there’s something in the water?”. I don’t have any genuine friends here. I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. My uniqueness & sense of humour were a huge part of me. It’s all so deeply buried now beneath shame, guilt, anger, resentment & depression. I am so beyond pissed at myself. I’ve wasted all these years. There’s more to the story, but it’s already pretty long. Anywonk, many thanksnesses for all your efforts & kindness! Much appreciated!
One thing I’ve been working on is incorporating my wants in the decisions I make in relationships. There have been times when I’ve been asked to do something for someone, and I had every reason to say yes. I had free time, I had the resources, and I even had a great relationship with the person who asked. I had every reason to say yes except for my personal desire. I understand that there are things we do in order to build relationships, but I believe that the only thing that should truly drive my doing of anything for anyone is my choice. If I have to justify or reason with myself in order to do something for someone, then I probably don’t want to do it. If I don’t want to do it, then I’m allowed to say no regardless of the reasons to say yes. Ps. My anxiety tells me that there could be a serious reason to do something for someone, like life-threatening or otherwise. While it’s OK to give that breathing room for serious situations, my therapist taught me that the accountability for other people’s problems and situations is not mine unless I am directly involved. Saying no does not make me accountable. It’s OK to say no.
I was taken advantage of by my trauma therapist. Took all my savings money, 1000s of dollars over two years, promising healing techniques that never came or even started. Promising she wasn’t like the six therapist’s before her, she would never abandon me. Dealing with severe cptsd. But I only got cancelations, postponements and excuses and left me in crisis. That was three weeks ago. I will never trust therapist’s ever again. 😢
The times that I’ve been taken advantage of were because of being too uncomfortable standing up for myself and/or second guessing my instincts that someone was intentionally taking advantage of me, because of discomfort of more agressively standing up for myself. If our instincts are telling us something, but we don’t have “enough evidence” to back it up… We need to trust our gut. Though even when we know our instincts are good, sometimes we then aren’t sure if it’s our instincts or our anxiety… Still trying to work out how to distinguish instinct from anxiety (in the moment, rather than after the fact when it’s too late). Though… Hmmm. OK, let me try to think this through… Our instincts tell us one thing, and we might even try to follow them by discussing, but if it comes to needing to more forcefully stand up for ourselves, we get uncimfortable. That discomfort and the second guessing IS the anxiety… So… To tell the difference between our instincts and anxiety… Our instincts… Hmmm… Will be more expansive of ourself (e.g. want us to stand up for ourselves)? Or they are protecting us from actual harm (either physically or our resources)? While our anxiety wants to hold us back and make us smaller and lacks trust in ourself? It might also try to “protect” us, but usually its trying to protect our emotions rather than our actualy self or resources, and it’s trying to “protect” us in a way that is rooted in having low self-worth (thus why its harder to stand up for ourselves)?
I have been hurt many many times when it comes to my friends so nowadays I dont even have a single friend and I have built up a wall so high it’s going to take a lot to break it down. Also I sometimes get afraid of being to nice to ppl because I’m scared ppl will take advantage of me (I’m an empath) so it’s really hard on me. Anyway thank you for this article
Not sure who else this might help but I came to an epiphany when I was at breaking point from just being used over and over (I’m also neurodivergent only diagnosed last year at age 28/29) and the thought came to me “I’m so preoccupied with not being an asshole or worse, coming across as an asshole that I am being a massive asshole to myself” – depriving myself of rest, good cortisol levels, joy… Glennon Doyle in her book Untamed says to her daughter, “Listen. Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your whole life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to not disappoint yourself.” I think this as a motto covers all bases in that you are just as elevated as those around you. We already have kindness down. The skill is to transfer it to ourselves and only put the seatbelt on that person once we’re good and snug. Sounds selfish at first but once your perspective changes after the few times you start to see how unbelievably inconsiderate we are to ourselves. Maybe we’re worth it, maybe we’re not; worth itself is an imagined order. The point is that WE, as the creators of our life get to decide how much worth we have in every moment. Who knows, maybe today we’ll be royalty? 🤷🏽♀ 😆 ❤ 👸🏾
Many of us are taught from a young age to be helpful of others. It’s hard to know if it’s people pleasing if we are just helping out. Checking on the sprinklers doesn’t sound like people pleasing to me, unless you really didn’t want to do it but specifically wanted acceptance, it wasn’t genuine helping out. I enjoy helping when I can, I also expect other to help me out when I really need it, I just think others should help each other out unless you really can not. We are village oriented but having a hard time adapting to an isolated society. it’s not my fault if someone doesn’t return any favors. If it turns out to be a one sided relationship then there’s issues that need addressed but stopping to be helpful amongst other humans isn’t one of them imo.
this happens to me all the time 🙁 especially family. its really hard to say no especially when I am tired and low – but that seems to be all the time these days 🙁 . Especially my neighbours are the lowest of the low. If I can say no slowly – not angrily and then the tide should start turning 🙂 I think the thing for me is to not over react else I will feel guilty for being nasty. It is not being nasty at all though I am severely over sensitive. so glad I found your article thanks
I always get taken advantage at work. Ever since I worked ahead to lessen the workload for everyone they now ask me to do it almost every time I work. Not to mention I get paid less than ppl who do nothing at all. I’m so broken feeling but saying “no” to my manager and coworkers is a huge fear of mine.
It is also painful to see that people you’ve always helped even become rude when you ask them for sth. This blatant ungratefulness made me get finally rid of them, I don’t miss them and feel better now, even though the whole thing that nothing was ever appreciated is sad. Then it is time to make a clear cut.
Kati, awesome article. 🙂 You mentioned a lot in this article about being aware of the signs of users etc. Thing is I see things as being much deeper routed. I’m sure you’ll agree with me when I say our whole foundation of understandings that we use in our everyday lives stem from those really young developing years. Neglect is one thing, but there is a whole load of mis-understandings formed as we interpret situations and people’s reactions and form conclusions thereof. Very often these conclusions are never re-visited and corrected, hence having to look out for signs. The real underlying issue here is the “need” for validation/stability. Unconditional love is the stability and security at our very core. If for whatever reason this isn’t instilled in someone there will always be a “looking” for this very commodity. Having never experienced it, someone will always mis-interpret simply because that little bit of validation is enough for someone to invest heavily and start building expectations, but in the back of their mind aware of all the hurt when they’ve taken that path before. The thing is this little bit of hope is enough from a place of need at someone’s very core of security and stability that they will quite probably throw caution to the wind and hope “this time things will go as needed”. The answer is to go right back in time and through a process of “exchanging notes” re-educate all the while giving that person their stability and security from a place of a parent’s unconditional love (no judgement, just fully understanding and re-assuring), but all the while correcting mis-interpretations and building a new solid foundation of “self” that leaves someone self-assured and self-aware from a place of solid security.
Help! We need a Second article. Here’s why. Very early on in this one, Kati mentions people who-take-advantage-of-our-kindness. Glad she made this article but very similar to it…. Have you ever seemingly been “plagued” with simply trying to relax (usually in most any public place but it could even be outside or wherever) and some stranger waltzes up to you and….drum roll….it’s ALWAYS about (at this point I’m so sick of it I dont care if its minor or “no big deal”), its always about you, either: A) COMPLETELY STOPPING NO whatever you were already doing (No. It isnt illegal, destructive and there is no sign saying its forbidden) B) Changing/doing it it different, their way. Now! C) moving to a different location to do it. Keep reading– What we can say (and be effective) to other public people/strangers who come up to you and say: 1. Excuse me but: could you not sit/park here, and move? (Why? There ARE plenty of other places, for them. Why even approach me?) 2. Excuse me, but could you not …or could you stop…. (Note: They simply dont like whatever but they are not the police or managment of the business or in charge.). 3. You are listening to music, softly. maybe thru your laptop. You were there, first. someone asks you to turn it down. You say no. It isnt loud and i dont have headphones. WHAT NOW? 4. You are in a lounge, sitting in a chair, and also using an ottoman (automan?) to rest your feet and someone comes by and says excuse me but we need that seat. Do you cave-in?
Dr Sam has a concept called ‘the penny principle’…..you give a penny’s worth to someone & wait to see if they return to you that amount (or more) ….if so, you can give a little more….and expect the same in return….if not, you lower your giving to the amount they returned…..it really filters out users & manipulators
Re: that landlord guy … It wasn’t a simple thing!! You were taken advantage of again and you finally put your foot down. I really hate that we (all of us, in this entire world), have to go through all these extra steps with people …. we can’t just hire a “plumber” (for example), we have to literally YT all this knowledge about “plumbing”, so we can somewhat seem like we know what we are talking about…. ugh. And, the fact that we have to document and record everything in our dang lives… it can be and it IS stressful. It really made me sad to hear you share that story though, because I can tell it still hurts you. I’m so sorry about that. Today is a new day though. Take care and be well girl. ❤
I knew all the red flags around but i ignored it anyways hoping they would change cause they said they were working on it, but gradually i realized that i was an option which made me hurt but still i stayed on, but there came a point where hope turned into hopelessness thats where i ended it by choice. One sided never works in long run, we tend to cling on to that hope thinking it will change, not everyone can change.
I recently allowed friends to disrespect my belongings as they were drunk. They flung my new light pendants arounds. Tokd them twice to stop. One person even said ‘look its killing her’. I of course ended up thinking, i must be a weirdo so i let it continue all night. Plus i didnt want to ruin their fun by pushing it. Now i hate myself and my friends. They are calling me, trying to talk to me about it. Im like, no. We’ll talk when im ready. For now, just go away. This triggered me so much that i cancelled all my 50th birthday celebrations. Because now i feel, i have nothing to celebrate. Id thought i had progressed in my journey, not to people please any more, how to put up boundaries. My friends let me see, im still the same pathetic weak loser at 50.
Unconditional love given by parents is the foundation of being enough just from existing, the not having to give more than one expects in return, the not expecting consequences for little mistakes. This is the off-sets when parents don’t do right by their off-spring. The painful truth though is like many things, if someone has never experienced what the many of us take for granted, they have very little understanding of what they missed out on and the very sad off-sets it can have to someone’s foundation of understanding of oneself and others… These very things the many of us take for granted leave people in a place of need which unfortunately can lead people on many twists and turns. Perhaps more understanding is needed in this area… Thing is someone who has been through a transformation has all the answers and emotional understanding from that journey to wholeness. When they know it inside out from a first person perspective on every level and every layer they know the end goal and all the processes in how to achieve it. And those who know and understand what affliction feels like often abide by all the right protocols (focussed on the person in front of them and focussed on the end goal all the while delivering/steering on those areas that matter most). Hope this has been of some inspiration. 🙂
Helpful for me: Good people WANT to respect your boundaries. – We teach people how to treat us. – Your job is halfway. – No is a complete sentence (but a little graciousness goes a long way ; – ). – The people who matter don’t mind, and the people who mind don’t matter. – If honoring people’s needs is important to me, that includes me!❤
I went through this recently I thought I could really trust someone I knew I was wrong she she said I was like a sister however she was a huge liar and very toxic person I decided to cut her out of my life it was for the best sorry for everyone experiencing people taking advantage of you all be careful always be careful always who you allow in your life she was also verbally abusing me to so got to put your foot down she hurt me that badly I was exactly like most kind and friendly to her but no!
I had a fight with my friend a year ago few days ago she just wanted to be friends again we started planning a party for some other friend of ours and turns out they were using me to do stuff for them, one morning before a sleepover we were supposed to have she tells me umm is it okay if you don’t come cause the other friend is not really close with you and she just doesn’t want you there . I just can’t stop and wonder am I that naive? They invited me to a stupid picnic the next day but I know they will make me pay if I go
I really needed this today as too often in the past my kindness and good- nature, has being used against me 💔 That has happened to me real recently at work, not anybody in charge.. Or a boss or nothing, but I gave this co- worker a in because I felt sorry for them and just acted; out of the goodness of my heart 😘 I let them into my friendship circle, only for them to contact me online two weeks later saying….. In a roundabout way that they don’t want to hang out with me anymore, that themselves and this other friend of mine just want to hang out alone together in morning- tea break. However never gave me a explanation as to why.. Just said that they did that one person is overly stressed- out, I think that was a lie though as that very same day I showed up to work, that one person would still be talking and laughing with everyone but never spoke to me….. Even when I was standing right there and that other friend I’d being friends with longer; then the new person I let in isn’t speaking to me in person either. Not unless I say ‘Hello’ first but they never say anything else after that.. It’s like overnight I’d being ghosted by both of them, but I’d never done anything I always treat people and my friends decently and respectfully and; that very same week that one person disabled me from Messanger on Facebook….. As I don’t have their phone number so I have no way of communicating with them, outside of work either it’s like I’ve just being cut- off completely when I was, only ever nice to them like I am everybody and I even told.
My parents are strict on grades and get aggressively mad about it, my dad punched garbage cans outside of the backyard when I failed 10th grade, he yells at me and makes angry noises, he expects me to pass by the end of the semester, he’ll force me to move out of the house and drive a car, have a job to work. But what if I slept in and was yelled at by dad saying ‘I’m going to teach you how to drive and buy you a car!’ And yelled at for not going to work, and losing car keys. My dad will call police on me for smashing another vase. My mom she threatened to give me away to the foster care for failing grades for not succeeding, although when I failed 4th grade and been going to psychologist and doctors because of my social anxiety and autism, I was homeschooled in 5th grade but that’s when my mom wanted to put be back in the public school and if I fail 5th grade she will give me away to foster care and do anything she can to get rid of me. I am scared of crowds, but as a autistic person I don’t think I will be able to move out of the house or find someone or friends to move out with because i am not like other young adults my age that live by themselves and have a better life than me.
idk if this is about being vulnerable, but right now i’m battling with being too friendly or open with people at work, especially my cubicle neighbor, and later feeling like i didn’t respect my boundaries and gave too much of my energy, but then feeling guilty for pulling back. thanks a bunch Kati! 🫶🏽
Growing up, i was always stepped on. I let people say anything to me without ME saying anything back.. why? Cause i was scared that, they’d make fun of me on a separate group chat or bully me or ignore me. Because of that, they took advantage of me. They always borrowed money from me, promised to give some back but they never did. And it got so bad that they took the money i was supposed to use for lunch, and to get home. I was forced to not eat and i just walked home which is far. I’ve always hated myself for being me
I have learned that many people would love to take advantage of me. A woman once befriended me just to borrow thousands of dollars that she probably never payed back, I’m just not materialistic so I would give money away without caution. I don’t regret the way I am, I just choose to rather give to the church then to people. The church should help the hungry
If that guy had some type of employer (even like a side job or something), you could have gotten a garnishment. It’s awful, he literally stole that money from you. For someone who desperately needed that money (no family, etc), that could have been so devastating, even spurring homelessness. What a jerk.
You’re describing a large part of society which is sad…and exactly why I don’t fully believe in “friendships”, people are mercenary or they get that way once they have their “foot in the door.” Some even develop contempt for you and want to hurt you so they’ll act that out covertly by poisoning your pets, agreeing to take you to a needed surgery, not showing up and then calling you the day after to ask, “Did you ever make it to your surgery apmt?” …..how ‘considerate’ of them…😳 People can very much be wolves in sheep’s clothing…👎
I probably can’t watch this through, which I know you’ll understand. An ex friend took me for close to $3k. She needed help, I had the money and documented it. She denied the debt, I took her to small claims, she didn’t show, I won, she filed for bankruptcy, end of story. Oh well, I gave, she stole. I’m flush, that’s the beauty of financial respect, its fluidity. Lord only knows who she’s grifting now. I know I acted honestly and compassionately. And fuck the $3k in exchange for integrity. 💃💞
This is not a good tip or trick but more of a way I protect myself. I try my hardest to not take any favors or help from others because I have a strong feeling of not wanting to owe anything to anyone. I think this comes from my younger and more vulnerable self always feeling I needed to give 110% back or I’m taking advantage of someone if they maybe gave me 10% assistance, or from just being taken advantage of. I also use this as a way to have a wall. I won’t ask you for anything so please don’t ask me for anything. I’m still willing to give or help when I can but I also accept nothing for the return of the help or at a later time if the person is maybe just trying to be nice. I’ve thought to myself, ‘why can’t you accept their offer to buy lunch?’ but I will always shove my debit card in there before they can finish saying, “I was going to buy for you.” Sometimes I end up buying or doing another person’s part when I dont necessarily want to because I don’t want them to do for me and it was the best way to avoid it.
I really liked a girl long ago and let her take advantage of me just to have access to her. I loaned her car keys to have my car as an option when her sister used her car. I loaned her a computer from work. This was while I knew she had a boyfriend, but I was hoping to ‘sneak in’. She later asked if she could use a room in my house to get away from her judging parents. Obviously it was because she was Asian and her parents hated her having a white boyfriend. At this point I said OK, but for a small rent. Setting some barrier at least. She passed on it, I assume using it as leverage against her parents. Eventually I met someone else and managed to seperate myself from this person. I spent a lot on meals for little in return other than something to do every few weeks. I brought this on myself. This still affects me and I underestimated how an educated small girl can still be a shark.