When someone doesn’t talk to you, the pain can make you push the other person further away. Instead, accept them as they are and don’t try to fix the difficult person. Pray is a helpful tool for dealing with family members who may place blame for anything wrong on someone else, including you.
When dealing with broken family ties, it’s important to remember that there are many possible reasons why you don’t hear from them. Reflect on the situation and try to reconnect with them. Many people, especially parents, deeply yearn for reconnection. Here are some tips for surviving, reconnecting, and preventing broken family ties:
- Accept what is happening: Being involved in or witnessing a family dispute can be disheartening and leave you confused, frustrated, and sad. It’s crucial to assist where you can and remain a neutral person.
- Fear: If you feel afraid or insecure about speaking with the family member who is ignoring you, speak from an honest and neutral perspective.
- Healthy communication skills and conflict management strategies can help you survive, reconnect, and prevent broken family ties.
- Living your life and stop: If your family refuses to talk and writes you off, there is nothing you can really do. Live your life and stop, and let them fill in.
- Acknowledge any softer feelings you may have about being cut off: Acknowledging any softer feelings and letting them know that you accept their decision and wish them well is essential.
In summary, when dealing with estrangement, it’s important to accept the person’s feelings and communicate boundaries effectively. Anger is a common reason for people to stop talking or repeat themselves, and understanding is crucial. Coping with grief and focusing on desired outcomes can help you navigate the challenges of estrangement and maintain a healthy relationship with your family.
| Article | Description | Site |
|---|---|---|
| Five Reasons Your Loved One Won’t Communicate | The most common reason people either stop talking or keep repeating themselves is because they do not feel heard or understood. | fullerlifefamilytherapy.org |
| What to do when a family member shuts you out | Here are some tools I have found helpful to my clients which you (or someone you care about) can use the next time a family member cuts you off. | estherkane.com |
| Those who had a family member that did not talk to the rest … | I have a sister that cut out all communication to the rest of the family. It’s been so long I am starting to lose hope she will get over it. | reddit.com |
📹 Estrangement: What To Do When Your Kids Won’t Talk to You
Dealing with estrangement from your kids? Watch this video for tips on how to navigate this difficult situation and potentially …
What If I Don'T Get Along With My Family?
Feeling like an outsider within your family can be deeply painful, even if relationships are strained. If safe to do so, consider approaching the family member who is ignoring you with honesty and neutrality. Difficult family dynamics can affect relationships with others, complicating family interactions. Miscommunication and lack of boundaries often lead to emotional disconnection. It’s challenging when you find that you and a family member simply can’t get along, especially if grudges are held.
When caught between familial and romantic relationships, such as with a spouse, coping strategies may help ease tensions during family events. It's vital to respect personal boundaries, like notifying family of visits in advance to allow preparation. Conflicts may arise from emotional abuse, differing values, or unmet expectations about roles within the family. If family members dislike your partner, open discussions can help clarify feelings.
Look for common traits that cause conflicts and try to focus on positive aspects of your upbringing. Seeking support can alleviate feelings of isolation, as help is available for navigating these complex relationships.
Why Are My Family Members Not Contacting Me?
You should consider that your family not contacting you might involve external influences, such as new partners or groups your family members have joined. This situation can resemble experiences faced by others, like a friend who feels neglected by his parents due to their preoccupations. Boundaries are crucial for healthy relationships, and feeling like the "black sheep" in a dysfunctional family can be isolating, especially when you are the one always reaching out.
Acknowledging this isolation is important, particularly if you have decided to sever ties due to toxic behaviors. Lack of contact from family can be painful and frustrating. The reasons for their disinterest can be complex—ranging from life commitments to emotional immaturity. Signs that your family may not care include not reaching out, exclusion from events, or lack of acknowledgment for significant occasions. You might contemplate reducing contact with emotionally immature family members, recognizing your emotional well-being as a priority.
Taking a step back may prompt them to reach out; if they don’t, you can better understand your position. This guide aims to help you reflect on your relationship with family and explore the emotional ramifications of a disconnected family network, emphasizing the importance of mental health and personal boundaries.
What Are The Stages Of Estrangement?
This post introduces a theory on the five stages of family estrangement: shock, despair, acceptance, transformation, and maintenance. Family estrangement is often described as a form of "living loss," with its emotional stages resembling those of grief when someone passes away. The estrangement process can develop over time, sometimes catching individuals off guard, and can arise from issues like abuse or neglect. As estrangement grows more common, its psychological effects can range from increased stress to feelings of liberation.
The stages identified are:
- Shock
- Despair
- Acceptance
- Transformation
- Maintenance
These stages may resonate with those experiencing estrangement. Additionally, estrangement grief is often socially unrecognized, leading to feelings of secondary wounding from unsupportive responses. Acceptance, although essential, brings mixed emotions such as anger and confusion. Therapy can be instrumental in navigating these stages, especially for those, like parents estranged from adult children, who may dwell in despair. Understanding and processing these feelings is vital for coping with unresolved familial relationships and emotions tied to estrangement.
When Should You Call It Quits With Family?
Determining whether to end a relationship with a family member, particularly one who is randomly abusive, can be challenging. If no behavioral patterns emerge and there are no benefits to maintaining the connection, it might be wise to sever ties. Recognizing when to call it quits in a blended family can be particularly difficult. Signs to look for include your partner exhibiting jealousy or feelings for someone else, as these indicate deeper issues that may be irreparable.
Ending an unhealthy relationship is a personal decision, and consulting friends, family, or a professional can provide clarity. It's vital to avoid prolonged stays in a relationship just to prevent conflict; if you sense the relationship’s end is imminent, addressing it sooner can be healthier. Considerations for ending relationships include evaluating if interactions primarily invoke negativity or draining emotions. If more time spent together feels like competition, it might be an indicator that things need reevaluation.
Before finalizing decisions, reflect deeply on your happiness and circumstances. Although divorce and its alternatives present complex options, awareness of your emotional state and needs is crucial. Ultimately, when communication falters and only negative interactions persist, it could be the right moment to call it quits. Prioritize your well-being and that of your children when assessing the continued viability of the relationship.
What To Do When Your Family Turns Against You?
Dealing with a toxic family member, like a parent or sibling, requires careful navigation of emotions and boundaries. Start by identifying your role in the relationship and observe what has driven the family dynamics that conflict with you. Establish and maintain clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being; it's acceptable to take breaks from toxic interactions. Acknowledge that family disputes are common and that their issues are not your fault—remember the mantra "not my circus, not my monkeys." Analyze the root causes of conflicts and assess whether reconnection is possible.
In some cases, it might be helpful to communicate your feelings with someone trustworthy. Seek support outside your immediate family; chosen families can provide essential emotional sustenance. If the negative behaviors persist, prioritize your mental health by distancing yourself when necessary; healing can often require individual introspection and guidance from professionals. Reflect on your experiences and consider therapeutic resources for emotional burdens.
Ultimately, fostering your own emotional resilience is crucial as you navigate these troubling familial waters. Embrace the importance of self-care and remind yourself that you are not obligated to accept harmful dynamics.
Why Would A Family Member Stop Talking To You?
Value differences over sexual orientation, gender identity, religion, politics, and race contribute to estrangement among U. S. families, affecting over one-third of mothers. Emotional pain is evident when family members, such as daughters or sisters, cease communication, often leading to deep sadness. Personal anecdotes reveal that disagreements, like an atheist sister's irrationality or a mother's disposal of belongings, can sever bonds. Reasons for reduced communication might include an individual's busy life or a naturally reserved personality.
Open conversations can help clarify feelings, even though misunderstandings sometimes arise unintentionally. As families confront emotional turmoil, they sometimes splinter instead of uniting, especially during crucial times. Communication breakdowns can occur due to unintentional slights or differences in sociability expectations. Toxic relationships often lead individuals to distance themselves for their well-being. Realizing when family dynamics become detrimental is essential, as some interactions may be rooted in harmful behavior.
Seeking counseling or mediation can facilitate discussions about estrangements, while prioritizing self-care remains crucial. Ultimately, family cutoffs, although painful, may be necessary in situations involving toxicity, abuse, or addiction. In such cases, the affected parties typically endure significant challenges and might need someone willing to listen and understand.
What Happens If Someone Doesn'T Talk To You?
When someone becomes uncommunicative, the pain can lead you to actions that may further distance them. It’s challenging when a friend suddenly cuts off communication, but while you can't change their behavior, you can strive to demonstrate your desire to make amends for any misunderstandings. Pay attention to cues indicating their disinterest, such as one-word responses or a reluctance to engage, which suggest they might not value the conversation.
Honesty and kindness are essential, as the silent treatment can drastically harm relationships, reducing intimacy and satisfaction for both parties. If a friend abruptly ends contact without explanation, remember that friendships are voluntary, and some might be toxic. That said, being proactive and respectful while accepting their choice is crucial for self-care. If someone avoids you, it could indicate a desire to disengage. Use distinct communication methods, grant space, and express the importance of dialogue to you.
"Not talking" is not a healthy norm; most people need to communicate. If silence persists, seek support from trusted friends, online groups, or professionals. Acknowledging their feelings while caring for yourself can help navigate the complexities of communication breakdowns.
What Happens If Family Members Stop Talking To You?
When family members stop communicating, significant resources, such as wisdom and support, are lost. The absence of older family members can leave one feeling isolated, often wishing for the opportunity to reconnect. Witnessing someone in distress due to estrangement from a loved one can be heartbreaking—anguish and sadness visibly etched on their faces. It is crucial to devise a plan to address the situation constructively. Ensuring both parties feel heard can alleviate feelings of rejection and isolation, potentially resolving conflicts.
Offering a new perspective can also help in diffusing disputes. Yet, it’s important to recognize signs of emotional immaturity and toxicity. If a family member employs emotional blackmail, this can lead to further distance. In a 2014 British survey, 19% of respondents acknowledged being estranged from family. If you feel safe, consider voicing your feelings to the family member ignoring you, using a neutral approach. However, some might consider cutting off contact when faced with toxic behavior.
Family dynamics can be complex, with estrangement often resulting from ongoing issues rather than a singular event. Each member suffers, emphasizing the need for understanding and communication, as family ties may shift between estrangement and reconciliation over time. Ultimately, nurturing personal well-being remains essential, even amid familial conflict.
📹 God Is Telling You to BLOCK a FAMILY MEMBER If . . .
What does the Bible say about removing a family member from your life? Would God ever tell you to block a family member?
After a messy divorced I noticed my first born son was aloof and disrespectful but I continued to love him regardless. As time moved on when he was 28 he got into a fight with me and I had enough and told him off!! He made it clear he was cutting ties with me and not to ever call again not ever !! I respected his wishes and didn’t want to push myself on him!! Each Holiday I dreaded because I spent the day moaning and missing him. I told God I felt I was always there for him with my time; hugs and each day I’d tell him how I love him!! Regardless I hadn’t heard from him for 10 long years and hated when each Holiday came because I’d cry!! Finally I prayed to God what’s more important is he have a relationship with you. Not me so much!!! If he loves You God then he can love me!! Three days later a call came to me with a familar voice saying ” Mom this is your son and I never stopped loving You; please forgive me for being evil to my loving mother and your 5 year old grandson you never knew about wants to say Hi!!! He also told me he is a Christian now and love love love is important and please forgive him!! That day my heart healed and I was thrilled !!!
I am an emotionally neglected child. And now no contact with my father. I came here to find a narcissist apologist and be angry. Instead I found a man who actually knows what parenting SHOULD BE and doesn’t blame the kids like estranged parents forums. For this, I have to congratulate you sir! Very well done. Great explanation. I wish you the best.
I parented out of fear, childhood trauma ptsd(not known at the time). I’ve acknowledged everything I could think of that I shouldn’t have said or done. I’ve done the therapy. My only daughter is 31 and estranged 8 years. I’ve asked for forgiveness. All I can hope is that she knows I love her and I own everything I did.
I have told my daughter I’m doing the work necessary to be the parent she needs. I have taken responsibility for her pain and I have told her that I will never give up on her. I am now forcing myself to give her the space she says she needs and while it’s getting easier it’s still a struggle. I too am preparing for the day she may come back by learning how to be my best self. Journaling, meditating, taking care of my health and making some pacts with myself to never be or feel like an ugly person again. I am learning how to let love guide my way while ridding myself of allowing societal expectations to guide me. My daughter was different and I knew this, yet I still tried to make sure she was conforming to the societal expectations of learning sports, doing copious amounts of homework nightly, making friends and having an active social life, when all she really wanted was my attention and time. She made sure to get my attention through hypocondriosis and telling me I loved her sister more. I was a doting single mom but my energies were in the wrong places a lot of the time. Before she went to live with her father we had visted the Dr numerous times as well as several specialsts due to her daily health complaints. Her sister who she claimed I loved more, was my older and non-verbal autistic child who I felt guity over not ever having enough time for her because my younger daughter took up so much time and effort. Looking back I was waiting for her to grow up and gain independance and it only seemed she grew more and more needy.
I also had a traumatic childhood, and as a mother of a child with a disability, I realize now how my own faults led to my children to be “glass children” who seem to hate me now as they feel robbed of their childhood. They were. It brings me such sorrow because it wasn’t just my own failures as a mother (like my own mom), but the influence of culture and technology. My sorrows and sadness have led to major health issues. I know I have to heal, forgive etc so I can stay alive for my disabled child who now has no one but me to care for him, but the loss is so profound. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. 🥺😢
If you know in your heart you were a good parent your grown kids are just apart of this mean world now. Grieve, then get on with life and don’t keep feeling bad about yourself. I speak from experience. Trust me, I am over it and feel much better. Don’t keep trying to fix something that can’t be fixed. Look at that chapter of your life when they were not adults and you were their world. That was one chapter. Now grown they kick you to the curb without a second thought. You are now just in another chapter of your life; try to make the best of it.
Don’t give up. My brother killed himself in middle-life & it caused me to step back after his funeral. It took a year or two, but we finally opened up about the truth & we are stronger for it. My mom is still alive & independent, but she knows she can live with us anytime if needed. I’m independent too, but she would take me back in her home too. Today we can talk about anything but we are family until we leave this physical body.
I googled “what to do when your parents won’t talk to you” and this came up. My parents just wrote me out. The only way for me to be in the family is if I play the part they wrote for me. They will not acknowledge that they hurt me. They have turned it around, attacked me, their pain is real, mine is a mere grudge. They give me the silent treatment but yet still blame me for “destroying” the family. It’s mind blowing how they can give me the silent treatment without seeming to recognise that. Their view is there is one perspective, so any attempt to communicate is aggression in their view
I do not have any issues regarding the other parent, I was a single mom for all of the years I raised my children. I didn’t even really ever date, it was just me and them. I have 3 children, all adults now, ages 34, 32 and 26. My oldest daughter, now 32, hasn’t spoken to me in 10 years. My son, now 34, stopped communicating as much about a year ago. I hear from him with the obligatory holiday text but never anything more. My youngest daughter is the only one to still communicate. We’ve been close for the most part, but as time goes on things are different. We all have difficult dynamics with each other. It’s all been a source if deep grief in my life, I never thought we’d be so estranged this way. It’s a living kind of death. I’ve struggled a lot with it, and my youngest is tired of me crying about it so much, so she has been distancing too. I was a young mother, Startin at 18, with no support, help, guidance, etc. I myself was fresh out of foster care. I raised them entirely alone. I wasn’t an alcoholic, I didn’t do drugs, but I had severe mental health issues. I struggled. My issues were eventually diagnosed as complex ptsd, Borderline Personality Disorder, I was depressed a lot, suffered anxiety, had a lot of suicidal ideation, and they were with me through it all. It took it’s toll. I wish I had done better, but I didn’t know better. I was alone with them, and myself. They never knew what mood to anticipate. I’ve been through intense therapy since then, but I can’t erase our past, and they don’t want to hear it anymore.
As an estranged son it is interesting to hear this. In my case I would really love to have a relationship with my mum. We haven’t spoken much in 10 years and every day that goes past I have fantasies about fixing it. But there is always this voice in me that reminds me that she doesn’t want a relationship with me, but with the role that she has assigned me. Since I am unwilling to adopt that role for my own sense of self respect, she is effectively uninterested. I have tried again and again to point out my boundaries, what is important to me, and what I need. She merely stonewalls me and, then, after several months, makes overtures for me to “stop by”. In her eyes, the problem is my feelings and, therefore, if only they would vanish, everything would be fine. She is unable to realise that it is her behaviour that is the problem. It’s sad to watch because she is clearly in distress. But not so much in distress that she would examine herself.
This is a great message – you take responsibility, I wish you the best. I’m continually growing and healing from my childhood, so I don’t ruin my child – I’m very proud of myself for being a good wife mother, despite my horrible childhood. I forgive my parents, but they are not healthy people, it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with them.
Wow I am a 35 yr old woman who lived in the same dynamic that you did as a parent. My mother remarried an abusive bully. And my my mother never stood up for herself or us kids. It really destroyed a bond I had for my mother. I always hoped she would stand up for us and make our situation better but that day never came. When I turned 18 I moved hundreds of miles away because home was not safe. I’m now 35 and still live hundreds of miles away. They are still married and as they age, my stepdad is even more of an unchallenged bully. I’m not estranged from my mom but I really don’t have a bond with her and I hate going to their house and limit it to a couple times a year because of this. I now see how I basically”ran away” and didn’t know how to work through things because of the bullying domineering dynamic in the house
I am hearing you today for the first time, and thank you for stepping up to the plate as a model to parents. What you are teaching is a universal truth, as I discovered it on my own through a very slow process of self discipline. Sadly it took me 50 years to understand — but at least I do now, and it has brought me peace. Thank you again for sharing your courage.
I was raised by two narcissists.. I was invisible my entire life and nothing was ever enough..never celebrated, never a kind word, no love or affection ever.. no birthday presents no xmas, didn’t even know I got married and didn’t care about my baby so I went no contact after he was born and was written out of the will.. found out on fb years later they had died.. was never even notified.. I only wish I had gone no contact sooner and saved myself so much grief from two monsters
Your message about responsibility is so refreshing. In these days when the divorce rate is at least 50%, few people accept the fact that divorce and single parenting can affect children in a negative way, maybe not all the time, but far too often. Of course as people we are all products of our environment and our choices. I’m 74 and still trying to responsibly navigate my way through family relationships and the effects my childhood has had on my life. I know I’m imperfect, especially as a parent, and I’m an empath, but I have developed serious boundaries. The one legacy above all that I want to leave with my children is that in this life, I am not a victim. I own my life, my choices and my actions. I hope in that regard, I’ve done something worthy. Living in truth takes courage, so does being married once and for 54 years in a perfectly imperfect relationship!
I told my son that it’s 27 it’s time for him to go because he doesn’t wanna work. He just wanna sit around and just chill and I work two jobs and I’m a senior so I said it’s time to go and for that. He blocked me on the phone. This is our third time going thru it, but my very first time changing the locks. He knew that I was serious. The rules of my house was to keep your area, clean and respect me and go to work or school that’s it I’m so tired of roller coasters..,abuse.,I’m crying. The worst part is he took my granddaughter. My only granddaughter and I have five sons and he’s hiding her from me out of revenge. It’s just too much..
Kenny, what you are doing is a good thing. Thank you. One thing people usually take into consideration is two things: 1. Cell memory, within a person. Ancestral trauma, manifests itself in each of us. 2. We are attracted to and choose our families, based on the above, but we always have the choice, what we do with that. Heal it, or act out.
Kenny you are truely an Empath, a beautiful person, a care taker, wanting to help people, a loving man who takes responsibility. You have helped me so much today. I will be doing the work out of a Coda Workbook with my Therapist . You are a model of love. A gift from The Most High. He predestined you to do this work helping others
Show me someone who isn’t broken or imperfect. I am guilty of that myself, and NO it doesn’t make us bad people it just makes it harder for those around us. It’s hard to take responsibility for something when you don’t know exactly what it was that caused the estrangement in the first place. My son meant the world to me, there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have done for him and maybe that’s what drove him away? I don’t know ? Anyway, it’s been a year of no contact and I finally stopped reaching out because it’s too painful. His choice, his life & I wish him the best…
Thanks for sharing your story. I too, stayed in relationship with my mother even while being treated with contempt and humiliation over long periods of time. My adult children have told me that I confused them by teaching them to be assertive in other situations, but being a doormat to my mother. I did not protect them from her, even when they pleaded, “We don’t want to visit Granny!” I’d say, “Let’s pray for Granny and forgive her. I’ll bake a cake, and you draw her some pictures and we’ll go and visit her again!” I am very sorry, but so much damage has been done, and I permitted it.
Love your vulnerability! You are a lovely human being. I am a divorced mother of five beautiful grown children. They have put me on a pedisle in the early years. Now they only reach out when they need something. Too many details to share but your talk is what I was searching for. Getting out of my pity party and placing guilt on my children, not verbally but my way of living. Needed to hear from another parent how you recognize the short comings and willing to learn and be open wanting to reconcile. Thank you!
Sometimes we take too much responsibility. Sometimes we take what isn’t ours to stick with those we value the most, even though that takes from the value of what we are. That makes us feel better. To take that responsibility. It is overwhelming. And sometimes we make the mistake of taking ownership of what we shouldn’t because we are the adults. That doesn’t make us sick. That makes us desperate to heal what isn’t ours to heal.
I think it’s beautiful that you have so much love for your children to want to show them who you are as a person. It’s so much easier to be a parent to young children but definitely difficult to be parents to adult children. Somewhere that parent role changes but convincing our hearts to change is tough. Thank you for sharing this. Forgiveness to those that hurt us definitely isn’t enough to fix our pain, but finding a way to get to the root is so worth it. I’m so thankful for finding you and your articles.
Thank you so much for your courage in sharing your story and your wisdom. My favorite part was how you connected your daughter’s passive-aggressive estrangement to “who taught her that”. Wow, same here but I never connected the two. I’ve been estranged from my daughter for 6+ years. She wasn’t honest with me, although I knew the real reason, because I spoke up about the way she was abusing her son, my grandson. As the lost child/scapegoat in my Family of Origin (FOO) they (my mom, sisters, nieces), ex-husband, and my own self-demeaning behaviors led to my children & their spouses scapegoating me as well with my daughter completely cutting ties with me. I rarely hear from my son, not even acknowledging gifts I’ve sent him for birthdays or Xmas or calls on Mother’s Day (ouch). I started therapy the beginning of this year, learned about dysfunctional family systems, my role as scapegoat and the survival beliefs I took on as a child that are keeping me stuck. I did have to go No Contact with my siblings, family “friends” and extended family that I now realize are part of what I call the “Cult of Mom”. Understanding the role I played, and separating myself from that system has enabled me to be more forgiving and accepting of myself for the really poor choices I’ve made in life. Along with that acceptance comes responsibility, accountability, understanding how I’ve damaged my kids on a deeper level as well. I’m hopeful that my recovery may give hope to the scapegoats in my own family and my scapegoated grandson.
I’m currently dealing with this myself. There is so much truth to what you said in this article and I bawled my eyes out. I wish I was in a financial situation where I could have you mentor me, but I am not. I am a single mother of a daughter who ran away from home 2 years ago to live with her father. He took everything from me and I am trying desperately to find me. I lost everything when my daughter left. It’s so hard to admit the hard truths that in some ways I did fail her because of my own upbringing. My story is a sad one, like so many others. I would be open in the future to having you mentor me Kenny when my financial situation changes. I’m just drowning in hurt and anger etc… I need to figure out how to parent me. Currently because of the situation with my daughter I had to move in with my parents to survive. 2 years later I am resenting being here and resenting them. I do love them, but was never taught by them how to love myself in order to love others. HELP!!!
My “mother” is too busy playing the victim when she had abused me my whole damn life. I woke up to our level of destructive enmeshment and codependency in therapy and she will not reach out to me. She is not willing to take any responsibility and blamed ME for my father’s predatory ways and alcoholism and I wasn’t even born yet. Family scapegoat here, no contact is the only way to stay safe. ❤
Sir you randomly popped up on my feed. Im a son who has chosen to go NC with a parent. You are 100% correct. Parents Divorced long ago. The most toxic divorce you can imagine. Us kids were in formative years. My father took responsibility for his role in it, but my mother did not and will not ever accept responsibility for her part in our suffering. To protect my health NC is the only option.
Thank you again Kenny. I love that you practiced what you teach, from your life experiences. You are authentic! 👏👏 I always talk about Kenny Weiss to everyone I can. Ty for redeeming yourself and being a man that others can learn and grow from. This is truly manhood. We need more men like you. 🙏 God bless you abundantly.
I’m only 10 minutes into the article, and I already know that I’m subscribing. You have a beautiful way of articulating your thoughts. Thank you. I’m thinking of sending this to my dad who I haven’t spoken to or seen in person for five years. Also, I really hope that you find some clarity and resolution in your relationship with your children. I know you said it was okay. but I imagine how my father feels without having the emotional competence to express it. knowing that you have devoted your energy into transforming your approaches as a parent and being accountable for the inevitable imperfections you embodied during parenthood… that is beautiful and inspiring and I hope you recognize deeply that you are not a bad guy.
Kenny, this hits hard. After my children decided to estrange themselves from me almost twelve years ago, I am just now recognizing how my past impacted my parenting. Conflict? I spent the majority of my life being “nice”, only to avoid adversity. The work I’ve done over the years, yes, the reality of self-reflection is the KEY to healthy relationships. This is the reason I’m now a better mom than I was. I’m grateful to have found your sane and vulnerable perspective.
I haven’t spoke to my dad in almost a year. He constantly invalidated my feelings, and would move on like nothing happened. The last straw was I was excluded from another family event, and when I was expressing how hurt I was he said to me “don’t you think you’re being selfish?” The last words he ever said to me.
Wow! Your insights and accountability are truly inspiring. It gives me back the hope that I thought I had lost for my relationship with my mother. I am currently estranged (by choice) from her. Ive reached out multiple times over the years to address some issues and move forward. She “dosent remember” “wasnt there for that” or “must have blocked it out”. Her number one exuse is that it was my fathers fault. I will not feel safe having her in my life until the abusive behaviors are addressed. The parental estrangement community needs more voices like yours. Thank you.
It doesn’t matter anymore for me. I’m not coming back here again. I’ve healed my trauma and taken responsibility for my part and apologized. I’ve detached from the outcome. It takes 2 to tango. I thank all of them for teaching me what I needed to learn and wake up to the truth of myself and the dysfunctions of my biological family. Once you see it you can’t unsee it. I appreciate your candor and truth, Ken.
Growing up in the 50s, nobody had perfect parents..or grandparents. Especially those granparents that survived the Depression, etc. We were all outdoors playing and being kids, not expecting our parents to sacrifice their lives for us and being emotionally available 24/7. As we grew up and had our own children, we stumbled through it the best we could, not understanding that society and culture were being shaped by television and movies. It’s pretty toxic now and the social media efforts to divide and conquer us all via gender, race, politically have been successful. There is a WEF/UN agenda to create a world where everyone is their own little island without family support or a life partner. Historically, the family unit has been the power to fight tyranny. You can google it sometime. Someday the adult children who have rejected their parents because they weren’t perfect, will have to look at themselves and realize how imperfect they are. Who will have compassion and empathy for them when they were so intolerant? Nobody loves you more than your mother, even if she has her own emotional trauma to deal with.
You’re telling my story. I do blame myself that my daughter’s father took off when she was a year old Married when she was 5 & her step dad was the greatest. She was a great kid, no trouble or bad behavior…. until she flunked out of college, then she came home and became increasingly abusive to us, stealing, conning, being horribly disrespectful.
I’m the estranged daughter. I came across this and even more understand how toxic, dysfunctional and broken my relationship, or lack there of is with my mom. I was a run away at 17. My step dad was abusive and she allowed it time and time again. Instead of owing up to the abuse she allowed she blames my step dad. She had two affairs, involved me and my two brothers in them. She takes ZERO responsibility to this disaster of an upbringing.
The hardest estrangement is when you have grandchildren and your adult children decide you are not allowed to see them anymore. I have tried so hard to be the best parent and grandparent I can be, but as a widower who had to be both mother and father to my child, I recognize that I am, in some ways, a punching bag for my daughter’s frustrations. It hurts and it makes me doubt how I was as a parent. I hope we can find a way through this as my grandchildren are my whole world.
Kenny thank you for sharing your journey. I’m 60 yo and 14 years ago I had long talks w my children. We talked about the poor tools I had when they were young. We talked about my poor decisions and the poor example I had been. I set out to make amends w each of my children. I became assertive and understanding, ruthlessly self observant and accountable. At times I wonder if I made it too easy for them to blame me for everything they were going through. Until COVID. Something happened during the COVID mind fuck. The cognitive dissonance occurred and our relationships broke. My daughters will not speak to me, and no they have not relayed their issues w me. I take full responsibility for my immature parenting, as I had childhood PTSD from great neglect and trauma. Voting for Trump was one issue they had w me…but I cannot imagine that is the reason for their ghosting of me. Ive been raw and real w my children for years and they had also been raw and real w me. None of my nieces or nephews speak to me either. My sister has frequent conversations w my daughters and my nieces and nephews. She also lied to our family about me stealing jewelry from our family. I can’t help but feel that the ghosting of me has been orchestrated by her. My heart is broken. I don’t trust my sister, my daughters or my nieces and nephews. It’s as if they have information that I am not privy to. At this point I no longer wish to heal these relationships, but to learn from them. I would love to know their grievances against me so that I can move forward in my life in a more healed and whole fashion, not to cause pain again to those I allow to get close to me.
Thank you, this was very helpful. I have been trying to understand for a long time why my kids are estranged. Now I’m starting to understand. I left a physical and emotionally abusive marriage after 17 years and I know it was my fault that I picked the wrong person to marry and didn’t leave right away. I have been working on my relationship with my children for twenty eight years now but they don’t want me around and I have accepted it.
Yes thank you so very much,I am older ! Even from a young age this attitude of ” BLAMERS, gotta have a scapegoat, if One is a single parent and each and every day as a young girl { ALONE} You gave all you had and I have no issues I am no Saint but I am not a BLAMER,MY Mv choices I take responsibility for myself but not the rest of the world,Thank each of you for kindness and understanding,may we all rise above what we can not control
Wow you described my life… My dad went really distant from me in my 20s. Im 33 now and have to tell my son tall tales about him like hes passed away, but he only lives 10 minutes away. But hes really there for my step sisters kids. We havent spoke in a long time but he never wants to talk about anything meaningful. Especially as a father now it tears me apart, and now i dont know how to reconcile the situation.. but im greatful i found this because this info will make me a better father for my son. Thank You
My oldest is a mentally ill narcissist who refuses to live in reality. The last time I saw him was when my daughter was rescuing me from his traumatic abusive behavior towards me. Now I have no contact with my grandchild, and my son has influenced my other son against me as well. I have made it very clear that if they want to live in reality and talk it out, I’m here. They choose to not talk or try to repair our relationships. At least I still have my girls.
I didn’t realize how damaged I was by my mother until I was in my 30’s, I love her no matter what, I know she loves me but doesn’t know how to show it. I could be like my sister and refuse to talk to her but I don’t want to hurt her more then she is. All I can do is be better for my kids. And I think I’ve done a pretty good job with my children. One thing I learned to do that my mother never taught me was to apologize and take responsibility and I do believe my relationship with my children are better for it.
I have the same thing with 2 of my 4 children. I tried recently to contact my son after 24 years. All he wanted to know if I still had a couple of things he wanted. I am not the blame for his attitude. I tried but I know now how it really is. The other one stole some important pictures and things from me. I have ask several times please send me back the pics. NO answer. I’m now 83 and I just have to let it go. My last few years I want peace. My other 2 kids are wonderful people and very loving to me. In fact a couple of years ago I moved in with my son. I’m very happy. I will always love them and just have to move on.
Kenny, I have 3 kids, only my youngest still talks to me since the separation 2 years ago. I am learning to heal myself by getting back into exercising, eating healthy, learning to play the piano, learning to speak Mandarin, focus on my good paying job, and listening to your articles. I took parenting class, and learning how to be a good parent. I no longer pursuit to see my kids anymore, instead I let my kids decide when they are ready to see me. I will not blame myself or my kids for this situation, but It is time for me to move on, life is too short for things I cannot control, and I will not let this thing destroy me. However, if my kids decide to coming into my life again. Only this time I will standing tall and be firm that our relationship must be build on respect, trust, love and respecting each others boundary, this way we can build a healthier father and children relationship
Thank you for this session. I have attempted to reach out to my children to no avail as yet. I was the single mother even when I was married, their father, being a narcissist has no interest in being a father, and I allowed him to do so. I was the one who allowed him to be the irresponsible father by being mother and father – which of course is a myth . After counseling, he told me I was the one who had the problem. That statement hut me, he was right, I desired an equal respectful relationship, he liked status quo. That jarred me into an evaluation of me, I eventually filed for divorce. You were so correct, I never learned conflict resolution, so how could I possibly teach my daughters that. Thank you for the insights.
I have issues with my dad, and those problems really bothered me until about 5 years ago. I guess that’s when I realized we don’t have a lot of time left together, so I’m going to do the best I can with the time we have. Things are still difficult between us, but when I’m tempted to pull away or be angry, I tell myself this could be the last time we see eachother, and I don’t want to leave our visit on a negative note, for his sake and for mine. I know I’m doing the best I can, and I assume he is, too, and at this point, that’s good enough for me.
I’m a single dad. Have been for 8 years now. I got myself and my daughter away from my violent narcissistic ex and now my daughter (now 14 years old) is displaying some of the exact same behavior modeled by her mother. I don’t mind saying that our lives are suffering and I’m really struggling to save our father daughter relationship. I acknowledge my failings and I’m trying to learn to be a better parent. Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated
Thank you for this article. Your sincerity is wonderful! I’m becoming an expert! Our girls are heading into their late 30’s. And my therapist told me, ‘Estranged children either want to Help-or Hurt’. In my case we’ve worked in therapy for years to get them back. This article is so amazing, I’m perusal it again! I just texted it to myself and my husband. With our children being 38 and 39, they do not want to hear any of this. We have no control over that, only ourselves. I was diagnosed with FTD last year, and must watch stress. And I’ve backed off texting them, or leaving messages. They know how much we love them. And there does come a time when They heal and get emotionally mature for Their children, in order for the generational trauma to stop. Thank you so much for this article.
I have an estrangement, with family. Why….I was raped as a child (between the ages of 7-12) by an extended family member. When I grew brave enough to tell my parents, I was told if I told anyone else, or exposed the perpetrator, I would be put out on the streets and disowned….that for the GOOD of the family, It was my job to protect them in the eyes of the outside world. They had a public image that was more important….I sought therapy and help….and yes, I walked away from people who showed me how little they valued me…..told me it was MY fault for not being able to stay silent and that I was evil for holding them accountable.
I have a daughter who has a 20 year old daughter, their only child, whose been lured away through the internet….a terrible heartache and worry, my heart aches for them, but because me and my husband who are in poor health, in our late 70’s, living many states away haven’t jumped in to help, we are bad parents, cold and heartless. They’ve cut us off and my heart is broken…I don’t get it, but I know at this point we have to let go and let God.
I have two adult sons that are estranged from me. One has two granddaughters that I do not get to see or talk to. One cut me out of his life because I am a Christian and we have very opposite viewpoints regarding social issues. He created these incredible lies about me. When my last remaining child told me that if I were to ever say anything “Christian like” in front of her yet-unborn child, that she would not let me see him either. I had a small breakdown but refused to denounce my faith. All three are either agnostic or atheist. Finally, I got tired of waiting for them to decide to reconcile. I told the sons that I was deleting all their contact information from my phone and emails. That I did not want to see or hear from them ever again nor are they going to notified in the event of my death. I do not want them apologizing over my grave to relieve their guilt and shame. Maybe it is time to tell these narcissistic self-absorbed adult children that there is no do-over button. No open-door policy. If they want to burn that bridge-there will be no coming home.
Ok. The effect you are having on me…. The pain in you, brings out the pain in me, and I cry. I cry because of many emotions going on at the same time….I feel pain, deep deep pain, but I also feel safe to show it and feel it with you at the helm I don’t feel safe showing and feeling it when I am at the helm. Who knows what would happen…I am afraid of spinning out of control and completely loosing it. I, like you said, don’t know how to navigate these waters, these very deep waters that run within me. The wounds are very very scary and the guilt and shame that arises with them to the surface are almost unbearable. I think you HAVE to be radical about facing them. It is so EASY to continue to blame other factors that played a part – and there are no doubt many – and it is 1000x harder to face oneself – that I now fully understand why you push SO HARD on this concept of focusing solely on yourself. I recognized thoughts that would arise while listening to you. Things like “but he is not even mentioning anything at all about the whole family system that contributed, the possibility of the circumstances that I was thrown into beyond my control, NOTHING. But after a while, I realized that for the purposes of healing and forgiving and just being able to deal with this enstrangement situation and to think of the remote possibility that could thrive in my life again….ALL of my energy towards that HAS to be focused on ONLY what I can control and do. For the purpose of all that, nothing else matters.
I’m estranged from my parents. They said “We had bad childhoods too, we didn’t know what good relationships were. We knew we were failing as parents but we didn’t know how to be better.” All I can do is shake my head. They have money and time. They have never gotten help, therapy, read a book to improve our relationship. For 35 years they put all the blame on me, saying I deserved their anger and physical violence because I didn’t honor and obey them. I had my own children then I broke down because I saw how bad it really was. When I asked how they could treat me so horribly and never even say sorry, they had the nerve to wail “poor us, we didn’t know better. We didn’t know there was a problem.” They are completely self absorbed. They say sorry but they show zero remorse and have no empathy for me now just like when I was a child. They expected me to just let the pain go and continue the relationship. They are delusional. How could I? The pain is ongoing because they still don’t see that the pain they endured in childhood meant nothing because they ignored it and did the same to me.
I’m almost 50 years old and estranged from my parents by my own initiative. I do not feel guilty. I’m sad it had to come to this point. I tried my whole life to communicate with them and was shut down or blamed. I have also confronted other abusive family members and apologized for my past wrongs, doing the inner work and continual self evaluation. None have taken accountability for their actions and none have admitted their own failings. Yes, they believe they are gods, as they are narcissistic. I had to exit the family due to the stress of various abuses by family that caused chronic health problems. I have forgiven them. Reconciliation is a two way street. For now, I’m walking the other way.
I’m sorry you’ve endured this sad situation, and proud that you’re making an effort. I walked away from “Miss Information”, our pathological narcissist mother, after 46 years of her abject abuses. The fact is she never called, never visited, never even sent mail to check on me or my family over the 28 years since I left home: but she was quick to misconstrue everything I said, every moment I spent with her, so she might look like a victim of my machinations. Perhaps the reason is she projected the regret for my birth, as I was the reason she couldn’t leave Dad for failing to be a perfect father to her first child, a bastard. Every effort to confront her was met with rage and contempt, gaslighting, pretty much the devil in a dress. She projected the shame and guilt of who she was onto everyone she despised, everyone she felt wronged her simply for breathing. Dealing with her crap was a relentless, absurd exercise, the details would likely make your skin crawl.
This is a father that truly looked at the man in the mirror the stuff he’s admitting is pretty hard to say, I’m sure YouTube is not the only place he’s admitted his faults. Hey man! Thanks for doing the work, now u can really help parents get what they obviously missed! You’re like a second chance guide for a parent Hopefully one of them take heed to what you’re sayin on this article.
Dear Kenny, I first watched you today and am completely bowled over by your honesty, openness, love and dignity. You are the very person that I needed to see and hear today. My fear of parenting has caused enormous pain and harm to my beautiful, estranged adult daughters. Thank you a million times over.
I’m going through the same thing. I also am taking responsibility. It’s painful to acknowledge my past mistakes but it’s the only way I can make changes in my behavior. Being humble makes me teachable. At the same time, I acknowledge things happened to me- some of which were NOT my fault. I was completely overwhelmed while raising my children. It’s sad what has happened and all I can do for now is hope someday I will be forgiven. Right now 2 of my 6 children need time to heal. I can’t force the issue.
OH WOW! This article has really done some good for me…I”m so glad I clicked on it and took the time to listen. I’ve been hurting over my son leaving both me and his kids 11 years now. I know all the reasons ‘why’ he wasn’t happy at home while he was growing up…our home life was horrific / jammed packed with terrible abuse done to us both, dangerous life threatening situations / I had such a hard time getting my son and I on solid ground and away from the tyrant…but it was not at all easy. I miss my son terribly. The pain is too hard to handle at times and so I do cry a lot..I pray a lot…x I try to keep busy but it’s just not enough. There’s a hole inside me that Icannot fill…and though I have tried all these years to talk with him / to hear him / any thing just we’re communicating…he won’t answer. He’s 50 now…he got married without me… I hurt for all who suffer and I hurt for me too. x
I can appreciate all that you said. I also appreciate learning from someone who has lived it. The problem with therapists is that they have not lived it and really have no idea of just how hard it really is. I personally have lost hope with therapists, so maybe it’s time to go back to what I used to do and start reading self help books again. At least this time around the abuser is no longer near me and won’t be able to push me off my path as he has done so many times before. I pray eventually that my son will open his heart and also heal it at the same time. We are both very wounded souls and we both had shitty parents.
I don’t know if I am going to make it through your article. First of all, you seem to believe that all of our situations are the same because our children are estranged from us. My ex walked on me like I was a doormat and my children have treated me that way also. I have apologized enough and I am not going to take the abuse anymore. I told my son that I am not apologizing any more. I am not going to take the verbal abuse of him dressing me down any more. I told him to get a counselor and work his issues out with them. I am not going to spend the rest of my life being torn down.
Thank you so much. This is actually the only most important tool for us to feel better… (you just said it and it’s the best thing to do), is to learn, educate ourselves. The pain has decreased. Still there, but it is less. I will look for your book. You are a great person. Thank you very much for helping.
My parents taught me about responsibility and hard work. Because that’s what they learned having been through the depression. They provided us with a stable environment (food, clothing, shelter) so we can get educated, and survive in the world. That was the best gift, as I age and look back. I would have liked more affection and attention when I was having hurts etc. But I got to the spot where I understood that at that point in time, they did the best they could with what they had and the stressors in their life. My nursing education helped me by exposing me to growth and development, psychology, theorists etc to understand how to best provide for my kids. I am not perfect and had my flaws and insecurities, as I was growing up myself. Continuous education, curiosity and openness is needed. I enjoyed your talk, and your purple fashion is a wow!! TY
I appreciate this so much. I am a 60 y.o. estranged daughter of an 80+ y.o. father. It doesnt matter anymore why we are estranged. What matters to me now is realizing that i had to work so hard not to do the same to my children. I did not have the training to be a parent. I was immature and unwise, but once i saw the generations in my family, i realized something very vital was missing. I worked hard and learned and made mistakes and owned up to it. My relationships aren’t perfect but they are improving and there is honesty and love. Whatever happens I feel now that i am on the right path with my own kids. Finally. Its a good feeling. I heard a quote once that has stuck with me, “the wound is where the light enters you.” You can let all the family angst beat u up and tear u down or u can make something good come out of it. Im just glad God helped me figure it out b4 it was too awful for my kids because it was definitely headed that way. Its hard to face hard things about yourself but worth it.
After a lifetime of physical and medical neglect, I gave my parents chance after chance to offer any way at all I should trust them enough to give up my income to help in their later life when it was needed. So when I was asked to return to do all the cooking, cleaning, bathing, butt wiping, grocery shopping, and driving/advocating for medical apps, etc, and I mentioned I would have to give up my income, and the extent of care asked for of me would basically be 7am til9pm daily, I knew there would be no working after those hours so I would have to live there with them. When I mentioned that, I was told “No, you can’t live here, I only have a one bedroom place and I don’t want you sleeping on my sofa”. So I asked where do you expect me to sleep? I was told “Pay for your own place” so then I asked ” When am I supposed to sleep, if I have to be here all day doing everything for you, and then I have to work all night to pay for a place to live, or live on the street?” I was told that was my problem. Was I wrong in denying this?
Thank you. This resonated. Half way through I was feeling you were taking all the blame. Then you beautifully brought it back to acceptance of it is perfect to be imperfect. With the wisdom we had at the time our children were young and the society, collective consciousness we did the best we could. I own that I never get it right for others. I was a people pleaser and fearing not being loved I needed to control issues within my relationships. I continue to learn about who I am by doing the inner work which is infinite. I do not want to be “perfect” but I know with the label of “mother” this is expected of me by my children. Underneath this expectation is Co-dependence plus love with conditions. My belief system is being turned upside down and I find it difficult to believe anything in this reality. Surrender, accept ALL as IS and BE the Love of your own unique Life Force. Thank you for your vulnerability, authenticity and courage. Have a miraculous 2024
I have PTSD. I identify very much with what you share. I have shortness of breath and anxiety relieving the truths. I want so much to write about my experiences and how religion failed me. Religion was like a band aid. I agree so much with what you are saying, we are on the exact same page. In our case we had narcissistic men who were the head of household. It is my job to try to heal us as a family. Now that I understand so much of what went wrong. What didn’t go wrong? The negatives overwhelm me now.
Thank you for this. I agree…as a society we invented licences for everything exept healthy parenting and relationships. I am currently also not speaking to my mum, but she is completely devoid of any self reflection, accountability and emotionally violent so…after years of trying to reach to her and have a closer relationship, I finally realised, that will not come to fruition, the wall of narcissistic defence mechanisms she build for herself is to thick at this point for her to even try to hear me out and get to know who I am. Very sad.Thank you for what you’re doing.
I agree with most of what you are saying but my children are grown. Isn’t it too late,we can’t go back in time. I know I had no skills in being a parent. My childhood was pretty crazy and I know I didn’t know how to raise my children. I just thought if they knew how much I loved them that everything would be ok. WRONG, on my part. I don’t mind accepting my lack of not being the best. I have told all of them that I am sorry for that. I was diagnosed 15 years ago with CPTSD so no doubt I messed up. I wish I would have been prepared.
I was thinking that I was going to be mad about this but then he started talking about responsibilities and life choices and I was like hang on this is good stuff. I’m routing for you guy. Hope my Dad comes up on this article but he is 67 years old without the skill of apologizing and taking responsibility. I’m learning to release my healing fantasy of being rescued. My next step. I wish you peace my dude. Keep on keeping on.
I was the victim! I suffered from depression and it was held against me for getting help. My significant other was a miser and a momas boy, and to cover it up, his whole family went against me, and called CYS into me life! I after 4yrs.got physical custody of my daughter! Then, so stressed from them, brainwashing my daughter I ended up in hospital and a 3rd party foster care was put in place! They also brainwashed my daughter against me! So my daughter and I was in counseling, so I had my family get to know her too! They also turned on me! So I don’t bother with any of them! I want a relationship with my daughter without any interference from anyone!
I left the verbal and emotional abuse, but my son had a lot of behavioral/mental health issues. I had to rely on his passive aggressive paternal Grandma for help as he was struggling since kindergarten forward to remain in school. Childcare after 5 would not take him. I tried to leave, but my choices were limited.
Even though I just commented, there is something I see in listening more. Perfect we are not, but in the Holy Scripture we know that Love never fails. No need to minimize that your loving words are good, because you are walking in truth and love. Parenting one another lasts forever. We all need to parent and be parented forever during our everlasting lives.
I am 56 years old, and finally realized that all this self hatred, negativity, and worthlessness that my mom felt about herself, and projected on to me all my life, all this crazy making that she has done, making me believe that it was all me all my life as an innocent child, also making me the scapegoat. She was a different person w her public persona, trying to paint a picture of perfection to others, and had everyone fooled, even our immediate family members. My Father used to say, your Moms whole family is crazy, and so is she, but we love her. Well good for you Dad, but you still played your role as co-dependent and enabler to her unhealthy ways at the expense of us children. I finally after all these years woke the hell up and got the hell out! I do not feel one bit of shame or guilt for going no contact w my incredibly abusive covert narcissistic mother, and my father has died now. I feel free from the pain and toxicity at last,I was just an expendable commodity to this family unit whose members operate solely for themselves, with their own agenda, and their own reality I will never go back!
I am so sorry for your pain. I can see the broken heart and hear your pain. I hear your desire to make changes. I am currently working on a book to share 38 years of experience as a therapist working with children and helping other parents not make the same mistakes I have made or the ones that other parents have shared with me.
Wow!!! This was painful to hear and to read so many similar stories. I’m struggling on so many levels. First, I was holding on so tight that I was suffocating my adult children. It was painful to let go and let them live their lives. I do however make myself available for whenever they need me. Unfortunately, the time has come where it seems they no longer need me. I am the one who reaches out. They want me to come and visit. At this point just to see me and have a small chat is enough for the boys. The girls, I feel their partners have to compete with me for their attention even though I don’t visit thst often. At this point, I feel in order for them to really have quality time with me is for them to set time aside to spend with me. Maybe I’m wrong, but lately I feel I’m imposing my presence on them. That’s how I feel. I haven’t spoken to them about it yet. I had no parenting skills as they were growing up and went through a lot of hardships you and everyone else mentioned. I know I have a lot of work to do, I don’t know if they are getting tired of trying or just have given up and don’t know it yet.
Im having challenges with my son who is 18 tomorrow. I had nothing short of an abusiveand dysfunctional childhood and realise how much work I have to do as a parent to break the cycle. We never stop learning, acknowledging ourselves, our choices and also to forgive ourselves. Im far from perfect and admit this openly. My son holds so much anger towards me, my response is to shut down and shut it out. Its a life long coping strategy. Instead I need to lean in and continue to show my underbelly
My soon to be ex husband has slandered and smeared my character with two of our adult daughters. He is a covert narcissist and just prior to my discard, he told them he was “tired of all MY crap” and had no other choice but to divorce me. Oh, and he’s a functional alcoholic. So after my living in emotional abuse for 40-1/2 years of marriage, I’ve lost two daughters, four grandchildren, and my self esteem and self confidence. Narcissism is a whole other can of worms, but estrangement is completely unfair when the narcissist is the one who causes the estrangement due to blatant lies. I shielded the emotional abuse from our children during their childhood, not even realizing that the emotional abuse was actually abuse. When you’re told for decades that you’re at fault and that your children don’t like you, you start to believe it and work relentlessly to change yourself. But it doesn’t work because the narcissist is the one causing all the dissension and making you think you’re the crazy, unhealthy one. It’s evil, premeditated and convoluted on the part of the narcissist. How do you explain such inexplicable things to your children especially when they already see you as the monstrous instigator??
We would all like to be perfect, that’s why we believe the lies we tell ourselves and keep the blinders on! I appreciate your vulnerability and blatant talks. As a YouTuber, we all still got to take what you say about your personal things with a grain of salt, however you don’t seem to be trying to sensationalize things, you do seem pretty honest and upfront. Many parents and their lawyers encourage kids to reject their other parents, and that’s pretty hard to take. One day, we all hope for one day.
I have adult children who won’t talk to their father. I understand their feelings and the risk of being hurt again. I just wish that they would all work these issues out. Forgiving, changing unhealthy behavior, being honest, facing the truth, and talking about things can heal wounds that run deep. My husband and I are not living together. He has a lot of things he needs to work on and trust needs to be rebuilt. I pray for them all every day. I cannot change them but I can be an example for good.
I am NOT responsible for another human being who didnt stick around, became an alcoholic, committed adultery’, broke up our family and ghosted his children. But i sure took the punishment of their trauma caused by him and spent a good portion of my life trying to compensate for their dads poor choices and abuse. After years of therapy im finally healing because i realized this wasnt my crime that i have been paying for. I will NOT be held accountable for my children’s emotions about what their father did. I raised them on my own, provided everything and they had a better childhood than i ever did, so i am good from any guilt. These so called adult children need to grow up and be responsible for their OWN feelings and healing. Healing starts when you realize YOUR worth. Whether my children are estranged based on their bad choice or what someone did to them is no longer going to ruin MY life. I am happy with the peace from their drama, blame and shortfalls in life. When i finally quit caring, started living my own life, DIDNT CONTACT THEM, and removed myself out of their life and them out of mine. i wasnt around to blame for what choices they made when i wasnt around or vent on me when they had a bad day. They started to grow up and now try to be a part of my life. As long as you allow your chlldren to control your happiness or manipulate your emotion with their bs you have given them control of your life.
Wow! Just….WOW. A lot of what you said, resonated with me in the first time I listened, but the second time around is like some thing I can’t describe it’s not bad it’s not good it’s just…real! And I could sit here and tell you my life story, but all I can say right now is that I’m glad I found you today I’ve been dealing with my own situation’s alone. It feels… But coming from a place where there was abuse in my life, I am here to try and help myself, but I never thought of parenting myself. Thank you again.
Thank you Kenny for your kindness and generosity. What about generational emotional apathy, I’ve suffered by an emotional unavailable mother. Which almost without my understanding has left me emotionally crippled. This began with my great-great Grandmother I never knew what love is, only her limited expression of care and her anger. Well, thank you so much for bringing light into my life.
Touched on a very important subject-well to me. Learning how to resolve conflicts is very important and the earlier it is learnt in life and perfected with time, the less hurtful we are and we allow healing to dominate our lives. We then end up being more healthy physically, emotionally, spiritualy and in relationships. I have learnt alot from you. Thankyou.
24:47 I say this with compassion as someone who has recently cut contact – some things you say in this section of the article are the likely reasons why you’ve yet to gain back the favor from your kids. First, you talk about your kids making a “snap judgement.” This phrase is just about the farthest you can possibly get from an accurate description of a parental cut off. A parental cut off comes from literally a LIFETIME of cognitive dissonance, with your gut telling you you don’t feel safe with your parent(s) but society and your parents telling you that they are the safest people for you. The only way the word “snap” would make sense here is if you compare a parental cutoff to the “snap” of a breaking rubber band which has been stretching out for the entire child’s life. They finally gain the courage to trust their gut rather than the false reality they’ve been told about their entire lives. Please understand this. Next, you say that the children are “in denial,” when in reality the decision to cut contact came from NOT being in denial for the very first time in their lives, after being exposed to mental health resources that confirmed their gut feelings about their parents not being an emotionally safe place for them. Finally, you say that “much of the estrangement is lack of forgiveness for themselves” and carry on to say how it is still your responsibility to teach them emotional management skills that you still believe them to be lacking in. Listen…I can tell that you are putting in a tremendous amount of effort to grow, overcome, and eventually get your kids back in your life. If my parents did even 1% of the incredible self reflection you’ve done, I would believe that pigs can fly. And while I know that you are coming from a good place when you talk about modeling healthy emotional management skills for your kids as a way of gaining back your favor, I feel like you are SOOOO close, but still missing the point in a fundamental way. And here’s what it is: You are still failing to see your children as competent individuals that exist separately from yourself. Let me explain. If your children have cut contact, it is because they have already begun a process called “reparenting.” In other words, they are learning (or have already) learned those emotional management skills from somewhere/something other than their literal parent. They do not need you in order to learn these skills because they have long since come to terms with the fact that they had to seek out other ways to learn these skills. In 2023 there are widely available resources for how to “reparent” one’s inner child, and many estranged children are successfully learning coping skills on their own, with a therapist, or with other mental health resources. When you suggest that it is still your job to teach your kids these skills like forgiveness and coping well into their adulthood, you are continuing to infantilize them and view them first and foremost as immature extensions of yourself that cannot grow to maturity and competency themselves unless YOU are the one to personally lead them there. You are still failing to have faith in your kids to find their own path. You are still trying to convince yourself that your kids NEED you. You are still trying to convince yourself that your kids will be better off with you in their life. This seems to be your last obstacle. Only once you fully and deeply accept that your adult children do not NEED you, you can begin to understand if and how it is possible to create a relationship that is based on them WANTING you in their life. because that is the best outcome you can hope for. I know it is heartbreaking, but your chance to be your child’s mentor has long since expired. If your goal is still to be in their life as someone who gives them guidance and wisdom, I’m sorry but that isn’t going to happen. That chance has expired and you need to start grieving it. What your children MIGHT still be open to one day is having you simply as someone to spend time with. Someone to connect with. Someone to be an equal with. Someone to have a completely unenmeshed low pressure adult relationship with, just like any other adult they would have a healthy relationship with. The moment you go back to the mindset of them “needing” you for guidance, of you thinking you know better than them, of you seeing their adult self as your redemption arc for your failure to teach them back when they were children, you will lose them again in a heartbeat. Mourn the failed opportunity. Grieve it and move on. Trust them to be okay without your guidance. More importantly, trust yourself to be okay without their presence or validation of your value. You might see some contact return if you can genuinely reach those truths. I truly wish you the best <3
What a blessing it is to have my youngest adult son with enough common sense to warn me ahead of time while having to take on too much in his youth while he is picking up the pieces of his life too. While my eldest child son does his best to make it up to me while he does. Sometimes I feel survival guilt while my oldest son is at the same time hoping to find a young woman to marry. I didn’t get here by giving up on any of my 4 children in difficult situations nor am I complacent about being able to hang onto that blessing if I don’t work hard enough to do things for myself on my own. Children while having to survive in a disfunctional family often do so by rejecting a parent for awhile when being encouraged to do so while feeling fear of being abandoned by that encouraging to reject parent. What helped me was being priviledged enough to hear a professor say to her class that some of us are being called to become mother (or father) to way more than only our own biological children. Like when the other parent is trying to cut us out of our childrens lives altogether.
Responsibility goes both ways. An adult child needs to take responsibility for their own healing and to try to encourage their parent to join with them in developing a healthy relationship. Even though I was actively making efforts to improve our relationship—my daughter said “I don’t care. You are out of my life.” I deserve her anger, she has good reason to be upset. However, I spent the last 4 years doing all I could to serve her and improve myself. I know she needs rime to heal and I’ll continue to learn better communication skills rather she forgives me or not. But she will never heal if she does not learn to forgive.
My daughter is AWOL and I have to hold off on forcing my will and eagerness to reconcile. I had a Toxic Unhealthy childhood yrs of Trauma. New something was off and didn’t address it..Rather Coping mechanisms and the nasty biz that established and maintained my Smoke and mirrors for everyone I was a terrible son brother husband father friend and have taken ownership and healed. I provoked my daughter and didn’t have a clue what Fathership looked like or job really was. Don’t blame my daughter And her decisions on our relationship. Making sure that I have healed and Free From the emotionally crippled Father I was.Not inviting any part of whom I was with her…
Oye Kenny. Thank you for being so real. Thank you for sharing part of your story. I can see how difficult it is. I am not apart from my children, but I can see I’m irreverent at times because they don’t see me as strong enough. I did divorce their father when he was an alcoholic, for them to little too late. Each said I knew it when I was in second grade. I am listening and perusal because I see my not healing myself, my not wanting to feel all there was in my life, the avoidance, well I am a very sad lonely person. I do want to grow. I want to be responsible for me.