A strong sense of family is crucial for self-actualization, as it involves being proud of one’s origins and identity, feeling loved and connected throughout life, and helping children feel safe and secure. Family values are beliefs, ethics, priorities, and worldviews shared by each family member, which create structure and define each member’s role. These shared principles help families cope with difficult challenges and determine right from wrong in complex situations.
Belonging is the feeling that comes from a family with defined values, allowing them to stand strong on their views despite opposing beliefs. Family plays a significant role in providing emotional support, making a significant difference when faced with difficulties. The key concept of being a family revolves around a group of individuals connected by blood, marriage, adoption, or other intimate ties. The family serves to provide emotional and enduring support.
To create a resilient, happy family, follow these steps: building strong foundations, building emotional connections, and strengthening relationships. Strong families have a sense of spiritual well-being, with consistent themes of guiding values and ethics. Family is a bond of love and care, not just those related by blood but anyone with whom we connect with our hearts.
Standard family values are the foundation of a happy and loving household, shaping morals, priorities, structures, and traditions. In a strong family dynamic, members share a powerful commitment to one another through shared experiences that create a sense of responsibility. Strong families express appreciation and affection, speaking in positive and affirming ways and expressing the love they have for each other. This sense of family is a result of the child giving them the feeling, awareness, and conscience that they are now a family.
📹 Childhood Trauma And Damaged Sense of Identity
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What Does It Mean To Have A Strong Family Bond?
Strengthening family bonds involves fostering deeper connections among family members through love, respect, trust, and understanding. Engaging in activities like shared meals, game nights, or outings is crucial. Strong family ties not only create feel-good moments but also significantly contribute to mental health by offering emotional support and security. Quality time is essential; it's important to prioritize meaningful interactions over sheer quantity.
Establishing tech-free times helps reinforce these connections by minimizing distractions. Family dinners serve as opportunities for meaningful conversations and shared experiences. Effective communication and embracing individual differences fortify these bonds, equipping members with emotional resilience for life's challenges. Research indicates that harmonious family support benefits children's growth and well-being. Maintaining open lines of communication fosters an environment where every member feels valued.
Furthermore, strong family connections enhance overall happiness and security, acting as a buffer against stress. By adopting practices that promote bonding, families can create a nurturing space where each member thrives, ensuring lasting relationships that bring joy, comfort, and safety, contributing to a healthy family dynamic.
Why Is Family Important In Life?
Family serves as a fundamental source of community, fostering a sense of belonging that enhances self-esteem through unconditional love, support, and security. The values instilled by family shape our decision-making abilities and influence our beliefs and personality. Primarily, family provides a natural environment essential for child development and member well-being. Relationships within families can be defined in various ways, such as biological connections.
Families teach guiding values and play a critical role in emotional, physical, and mental health. Research indicates that strong family bonds can positively affect individuals’ overall well-being throughout life. Family life profoundly influences identity, shaping habits, language, and personal development. In collectivist cultures, the significance of family ties is even more pronounced, emphasizing the collective well-being over the individual. Family instills foundational principles, encouraging growth, educational advancement, and emotional support, while serving as a catalyst for personal development.
Families also lay the groundwork for future relationships, offering reliability during difficult times. Spending time together can alleviate stress, promote a healthier lifestyle, and even lengthen life. Overall, family is integral to happiness and growth, providing a loving framework that nurtures each member and teaches the values necessary for success in life.
How Do Children Develop A Sense Of Family Belonging?
In children's early years, the foundational sense of family belonging develops within their home, surrounded by parents and siblings. This family unit serves as the first group where children learn about love, acceptance, and integration. Attachments are formed from birth, and positive, nurturing relationships provide the security necessary for healthy development. Cultivating a sense of belonging is vital, influencing children's social-emotional growth both within the family and broader community.
The article outlines strategies for educators to foster this sense of belonging, detailing three critical aspects: having a welcome place, engaging in meaningful activities, and deepening connections.
Creating a nurturing environment where every child feels valued begins with simple routines, such as morning greetings. Significant relationships enhance a child's self-worth and happiness, substantially shaping how they interact with others. In addition, quality family time—whether through shared activities or outdoor adventures—demonstrates to the child their importance within both family and community contexts.
Encouraging empathy and cooperation among peers also supports a child's sense of belonging. Awareness of family desires and cultural diversity further fosters inclusiveness. Activities like discussing emotions and understanding each child’s unique identity can significantly bolster a sense of belonging, as expressed through routines and rituals that celebrate individual families. Overall, prioritizing belonging in childcare settings promotes children’s self-esteem and nurturing relationships, crucial for their long-term development.
Why Do We Need A Strong Family?
Our family plays a vital role in our ability to navigate the world, providing love, warmth, and essential support during challenging times. Strong families exhibit effective communication, fostering an environment where every member feels heard and respected. They create a nurturing space for children's development and the overall well-being of all members. Family bonds can be biological or emotional, contributing significantly to physical and mental health—benefits that are uniquely found within family ties.
These relationships are foundational, teaching values and principles that guide individuals throughout life, from childhood to adulthood. Strong families enhance societal stability by nurturing responsible citizens who positively influence their communities. The importance of family is evident from birth and remains constant, offering security and support. They help children feel safe and secure, and their benefits—such as love, honesty, and spiritual guidance—foster emotional well-being.
Research indicates that strong family relationships reduce anxiety and depression while promoting a sense of belonging. Key attributes of successful families include appreciation, commitment, effective communication, and quality time spent together. Ultimately, families are our primary source of affection and support, shaping our identities and imparting a deep sense of connection and acceptance in our lives.
What Does Strong Sense Of Obligation Mean?
A sense of obligation refers to the feeling that one is morally or legally required to act in a certain way, often manifesting as an internal conviction to fulfill responsibilities. For instance, a soldier may fulfill her obligation by serving in a war, illustrating a "strong sense of duty." This concept underscores the distinction between strong and weak obligations; strong obligations carry a necessity or urgency, while weak obligations might involve suggestions or advice. The psychological aspect of obligation also highlights its potential emotional burden, leading to feelings of frustration and resentment when the obligation feels overwhelming.
While obligations can foster a sense of responsibility and commitment, they can also induce stress, especially in contexts like family dynamics. Understanding the dynamics of obligation helps individuals navigate personal and professional relationships, emphasizing the distinction between internal pressures ("must") and external requirements ("have to"). Ultimately, obligation can promote values such as respect and authority when taught positively, but it may produce negative feelings when boundaries are not maintained. In summary, recognizing the weight and implications of obligation is essential for fostering a healthy balance of duty and personal well-being.
What Does It Mean To Have A Strong Sense Of Family?
Strong families prioritize commitment, love, and support for one another, ensuring the happiness and welfare of all members. They engage in shared activities, fostering a sense of community and belonging while enriching self-esteem through unconditional love and emotional backing. Family values, which encompass beliefs and ethics, contribute to a structured environment where each individual understands their role. This shared framework aids families in navigating challenges and discerning right from wrong in complex situations.
Emotional support from family is crucial, particularly during tough times, offering understanding and comfort. The importance of creating a safe, caring space for family members cannot be overstated, as it fosters happiness and resilience. Appreciating one another and expressing affection are vital traits among strong families. By maintaining defined values, they stand firm against opposing beliefs, reinforcing their unity.
Overall, a strong family is built over time through commitment, communication, and warmth, ultimately creating a loving bond that transcends mere blood relation. The journey of nurturing such connections is paramount in achieving a fulfilling family life.
What Is A Good Sense Of Family Belonging?
A strong sense of family belonging fosters cooperative, friendly, and understanding behaviors in children, allowing them to feel valued and appreciated. Conversely, a lack of belonging can lead to social isolation and difficulties in forming friendships. Belonging is a critical component of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, ranking just above basic physiological and safety needs, and is deeply intertwined with personal identity. It encompasses more than mere acquaintance; it is about cultivating significant connections that lend structure to human society.
The family unit provides essential support, boosting self-esteem through love and security, which, in turn, contributes to overall happiness and better mental health. Children who experience strong family bonds often feel a sense of community, emotional support, and reduced stress, helping them navigate life's challenges. Healthy family relationships, including marital, intergenerational, and sibling connections, play a pivotal role in long-term well-being.
Notably, positive family interactions can nurture belonging and enhance emotional, social, and cultural skills in children. Establishing family rituals further reinforces feelings of inclusion, security, and connectedness. Ultimately, a profound sense of belonging enables children to thrive emotionally and socially, facilitating their development and ability to forge meaningful relationships.
What Defines A Strong Family?
Strong families are characterized by warmth, care, effective communication, predictability, and connections with others outside the family. These families express appreciation and affection, fostering positive interactions that shape their morals, priorities, structures, and traditions. Emotional expression is encouraged, especially among young children. Various family types—single parents, grandparent-led households, and foster families—can all be strong, a process that requires intentional commitment.
Research identifies key traits of strong families, including open communication, active listening, and emotional support, all contributing to resilience during challenges. A strong family dynamic provides love, security, and a foundation for children to thrive. Essential characteristics include commitment to relationships, quality time, and appreciation, which enhance connections among members. Members prioritize each other's growth and offer concrete support in times of need.
Ultimately, strong families cultivate respect, sincerity, honesty, faithfulness, and spiritual guidance, positioning them as a vital source of emotional strength and stability. Emphasizing self-care also benefits not just individuals but the family as a whole.
What Does It Mean To Have A Strong Sense?
A strong sense is defined as an enhanced capability to understand, recognize, value, or react to various stimuli, particularly through the five senses: sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch. It encompasses a general conscious awareness and the ability to identify personal convictions, desires, and principles. According to holistic psychotherapist Sonia Fregoso, developing a "strong sense of self" is crucial for individuals to differentiate themselves from others and involves self-evaluation and insight into one’s values and emotions.
This self-awareness fosters confidence and decisiveness, enabling individuals to navigate external pressures and expectations effectively. Conversely, a weak or unclear sense of self can lead to self-doubt and indecision. A robust sense of self also correlates with a person’s self-image and self-esteem, forming the foundation for leading fulfilling lives. Recognizing one's strengths and believing in their ability to realize goals are vital components.
Furthermore, having a strong sense implies being honest about emotions and valuing intrinsic self-worth independent of external influences. Ultimately, this awareness leads individuals to embrace their identities and pursue their desired paths without succumbing to societal pressures. It's through understanding oneself that one can cultivate a strong sense of self that enhances overall life satisfaction.
What Is A Strong Sense Of Family Obligation?
Family obligation denotes a fundamental duty to support, respect, and assist family members, forming a critical guide for relational behaviors within families. This concept encompasses three dimensions: providing current assistance (e. g., household chores), showing respect, and contributing positively to family dynamics. Particularly among adolescents from Mexican and Latin American backgrounds, there is a heightened emphasis on these obligations, which reinforces their sense of duty to help their families.
Studies indicate that a robust sense of family obligation can foster responsible behavior in adolescents, leading to fewer behavioral issues and supportive parenting practices. This sense of duty is not just a cultural expectation but also finds recognition in legal contexts, with various laws and moral teachings underscoring familial obligations. Young adults from Filipino and Latin American families often exhibit strong familial duties, influencing their living arrangements and financial contributions.
Overall, family obligations are multifaceted and deeply woven into the fabric of family life, influencing behaviors that can enhance self-esteem and collective family well-being. The strong commitment to family obligations reflects both emotional ties and practical responsibilities, which are pivotal in navigating family relationships.
What Are The Three Important Values Of A Strong Family?
Strong family values play a critical role in nurturing harmonious relationships and guiding behaviors within the family. Empathy, which involves treating all creatures with compassion, fosters deep connections. Shared family time through activities strengthens bonds and promotes common interests. Honesty, though challenging, is vital for maintaining trust between family members. Core family values, including love, respect, and accountability, help define individual roles and assist in navigating complex moral dilemmas.
These shared principles create a supportive environment where members can rely on each other for emotional support, encouragement, and guidance, contributing to a healthy family culture. Recognizing the importance of family values enables families to uphold positive behaviors and create traditions that last through generations, shaping who they are and their relationships with others. Strong family values also help young people make informed decisions based on a solid ethical foundation.
By identifying, documenting, and embodying these principles, families can ensure a sense of belonging and stability. Ultimately, the values practiced within a family serve as a guiding light, promoting love, kindness, and integrity while fostering resilience in life's journey.
📹 10 Signs Someone Lacks Common Sense
You might not realize it, but there are a lot of signs that someone lacks common sense. If you’re looking for a common sense test …
I watched Quiet Girl last night b/c I trust you; it was excellent!!! Thank you for being here for all of us- you are a force of positivity ❤. Also doing BLE because of trust in you- it’s awesome! Your Daily Practice has changed my life and is filled with surprises; I have a special notebook for‘meditation notes’- little nuggets that appear like magic during my 20- minute meditation. Then, I watch you on YouTube as an ‘appointment with my own personal therapist’- you always inspire and help with your kindness and understanding. THANK YOU, Anna, for creating this website and for sharing your gifts and wisdom! You are the strong supporter we all need (and never had).
To this sad woman out there (she might read it): I’m a journalist and a blogger in my country (English is not my native language), and I can say with confidence that her letter and wording literally brought tears into my eyes. Outstanding writings skills, hands down. On the second note: I’m 50, having had a bit different but still similar identity problems. I went to therapy and am doing yoga, but besides that I started my healing with tiny little things. I love scents, I went to a perfume shop every 3-4 days, and tried the new releases and then looked them up on the net, figuring out the notes, educating myself on perfumery a bit. Can’t tell you how much joy that brought. Then I started to go to the cinema to see a movie alone, I loved that, too. Tiny, little things. After a while as if a floodgate had been opened inside me: started to feel happy, out of the blue. Good luck to everybody on their way to healing.
I stopped dead in my step when you said the first few sentences about neglect and identity. Both me and my sibling are in our 40s and our parents could not have cared less about who we were and are, growing up and now. They have never asked. They just used to laugh like it was ridiculous to have ambitions. Me and my sibling both moved out at age 16, but are very well adjusted as adults but permanently feeling lost, moving jobs, country, relationship and interests constantly. My parents love to brag to their friends that it’s their parenting that made us so independent 😮
This reminds me of my parent, beloved by everyone, but made sure his daughter knew she would never be good enough. My brother is a convicted felon and still somehow holds the golden child position. The two of them have come to my home and belittled me for years for holidays, etc.. When I ran a Marathon, I thought my father would finally be impressed with something I did, but he had told me that the week before a man broke the marathon record by running it in under two hours, totally just diminishing the accomplishment. You just realize nothing will ever be good enough and yet the brother who beat you up through childhood, who they put through school and had such high hopes for has a menial job while anything I do is diminished as something lots of people can do. It never leaves you. I don’t even talk to them anymore, but it never leaves you.
This letter was written for me! Almost 50 and I feel like my life is over. The ONLY thing that keeps me going is my daughter…Horrible childhood, prioritzed sibling, left to hurt and protect myself. I wish I could give the woman who wrote it a big hug because I understand. Wherever she is I hope she’s found herself, her purpose and a brighter future ❤
Dearest Sonya (sp) I am 58 and not only do I hear you but I FEEL you in my heart and soul. I have lived some of your experiences as well. I don’t have any answers for you. Just a hug from one childhood trauma survivor to another. And remember that. To be here today, you are THE Survivor. Hugs to you 🥰
The writing contest really connected with me. I became an amateur writer in my 40’s but i always had the talent in me. I too won a contest in the 70’s. It was a big contest for free tickets to the King Tut exhibition. The first time the treasures were going on tour. I told my father and instead of congratulations it was “Hell no, you’re not going.” A little background. My father NEVER let us girls go anywhere and we had no friends except each other. I cried and was crushed. The only reason i got to go was because a teacher called not understanding why i wasn’t allowed to go. My dad of course was too embarrassed to explain why. He knew it was a power play and knew he couldn’t fool my teacher because there was no way to articulate a good reason. Nevertheless i feel my life would have been a lot different had i been encouraged. Hell i even tested at the college level in grade school for English literature and comprehension. It leaves a bitter taste to this day.
Can relatate to what she went through. Not being valued, and mom preferring my brother. Because of his polio at age two, around time I was born; left my mom devastated and with her energy focused on my brother, her priority. I can see how this played out. My father, not much a family man, worked and spent time socializing with friends. But I always felt like the black sheep, found my own way outside the home, with my friends and whoever gave me the slightest bit of attention. Leading to some bad decisions in selecting partners, and not setting boundaries.
This resonates with me so much! My mother was a narcissist, bipolar, and had been abused as a child. My father had been abused, neglected, and rejected in childhood. Their relationship was volatile, but my mother was the one prone to violence. When I was in fifth grade, I won a writing contest. I auditioned for a play one summer and was cast. Doing musical theatre quite literally saved my life. But I’ve always felt like a chameleon, never knowing who I was. I still don’t, and I’m 66. But I’m working on finding myself, healing from the verbal, psychological, and physical abuse, and trying find purpose, meaning and joy. Most of my work is done by writing. I worked as a technical writer and have always wanted to take a stab at writing fiction. I have one friend who is a well-respected and lauded author. I have other friends who are published and also great authors. I feel intimidated by their success just like I felt I’d let everyone down when I didn’t “make it” in theatre. I always have to prove my worth. Because of all this I feel for the author so much and wish “Sonya” healing and happiness.
Yes, no identity accept with animals, when my body and mind was manageable. Sonya, I appreciate how you described the lack of identity. I am staring at a wall of junk wishing I could wiggle my nose and make my world organized free and beautiful. Keep trying and I bet you have a whole new beautiful life ahead. Thanks for noticing me Anna, your likes boosted my day enough to go out with the dog. I thank you all for sharing and making my life less lonely.
This is why I VEHEMENTLY argue against the whole “Parents only do the best they can” defense. “…only do the best they can”? REALLY??? When parents are neglectful and abusive and cause the damage to their children that they do, they call that the “best” they can do? When parents refuse to see what damage they cause their kids, that’s their “best”? No…ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! It was NOT their best, and we need to stop giving them cover for that. They didn’t do their work to do better. They REFUSED to take accountability for their actions, and many of them are facing the consequences of that. Period, end of story.
Sonja….my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry. 🙁 And I’m SO PROUD of you for walking away from your horrible mom and brother-I’ve been in toxic relationships and know how hard that is to do, and can only imagine how hard with the relationships being immediate family. Sonja, I hope you learn to like and love and appreciate yourself-you sound amazing and hopefully you soon realize that for yourself. Anna, I am so so glad you read this letter to help Sonja; and I do hope it really helps her. Blessings to all!
This article was so heavy for me…and sad. It brought up similar memories of my childhood and trauma. And helped explain and understand some things. Thank you to the lady who wrote in ..and I empathise with her. And thank you Anna for sharing her story and talking about it and explaining how trauma like this seeps into our lives and makes us who we are or are not. I was never sure how or to what extent my trauma affected my abilities and especially carving my identity. I still feel like I do not know who I am in terms of what I want to do with my life or my calling. And now I know the bearing my trauma has had on me and in developing that. And I hope I can find my way through healing and let alone start the process and be able to continue with it. Thank you.
Haven’t even listened yet – but this title is exactly what I’m finding out. I’m downsizing and decluttering, and it’s a joy and a mystery, and foundation shaking to discover what I* actually like, what items hold a memory that isn’t great even though my family thought it was great, what My personal priorities really focus on. I am constantly amazed at how thoroughly I hid myself even from myself. Now I’ll go listen, lol! 😂 Just watched the article and I think its one of the best ones yet. 👍👍👍
I grew up hearing “you are what i tell you to be because i’m the parent and you’re the child” then when i hit 18, “what you gonna do with your life?” Needless to say i had no idea and still have no direction. There are so many things that i’d love to be doing but money is and always has been a major barrier. Most of the things i’m passionate about require a lot of schooling to be able to do and i just don’t have access to the money i’d need to complete that schooling.
What I’ve recently realized is that I want what I’ve always wanted. Who I am was always there tapping me on the shoulder, but when you’re trauma bonded your focus isn’t on yourself, but on the abuser. You wander off for long years trying to fix what’s wrong, but everything is right where you left it. I’m trying to find the courage to pick them up again and not care what others might think of it.
I grew up in a dysfunctional home, but my Mom always told me she loved me and we were close. I decided long ago that I did not raise myself and am responsible for my reaction to it, not the way my father treated his family. I hope that many here will get this clarity. You are loved and are capable of loving.❤
Oh boy oh boy oh boy. No kidding… all I ever wanted was approval and even now, knowing so much about my circumstances and having better awareness… I still notice that I do things (especially things I don’t want to do) just to get parental approval. I’m late 50s too! And the lottery thing? Same same. I have found something I love but (maybe due to age discrimination) I have never managed to get a permanent job in it, despite being super qualified. Sigh. Thanks for this, Anna.
Hi Anna, I’m very thankful for your support here. Such a lesson that God works all things together for good to those who ……. Today as I listen I hear you both. The trauma wounds break my heart. I ran a daycare for 17 years after my kids were graduated. I got my degree in early childhood and trust me, that is a miracle. I also have stuff I’m working on. But today my heart😢. If I had this sweetheart in my daycare, she would have been rt w me. Helping me at the craft table, holding the babies while I did circle time. I would have taught her the joy of working on manipulative, puzzles, towers etc. She would have loved climbing in the playhouse swing set. And riding my very cool bikes for toddlers. Sweet girl my eyes are full of tears because I want to take you under my wings and help u. But I’m glad you r here. Great place to be. Talking to the Lord as well for you rt now.. may He work all of your trauma wounds for good in the days forward. Lord bless and heal this friend.
Her letter…my life. I frequently tell my husband “I don’t know who I am…” We moved every 2-3 years and I had to frequently “adjust” who I was to “fit in,” so I picked up nuances from everywhere and everyone I met bc I had no self-identity. I still say I’m living the way I “should,” rather than as I really am, but I still don’t know who “she” is. Totally understandable and relatable. I needed this article as part of my healing journey. ❤
I can relate to what Sonja went through all too well. My mom left when I was 18 months and my dad started to molest me from age 2. He remarried when I was 5, my step mother caught him and blamed me and started beating me for it. She became a violent alcoholic for years. When my little brother came along, he never got beaten or yelled at. (and yes he kinda turned out a narcissist) She doted on him, and I was the red headed step child. My dad continued to molest me until I learned to tell him no at 16, memories are still coming back since he died, and I am in my 50’s now. I have been living in survival mode more or less since a child. I am sure that I have some sense of identity to discover, absolutely. I love your website here, Anna, it has helped me so much. I signed up for the relationship course you do, although I have not started it yet. For some reason I am chicken. (safer in my cave I suppose). But thank you for helping us on the path to healing.
Broken by 8yo a lack of self identity became a major issue. Its hard to move foward when the direction changes depending on which “me” i currently am. Recently at 50yo plus, i finally got to dealing with this lack of identity. The lack of any semblance of a “self”. Being around people determines the person i am by what they expect. This causes many many issues. Being alone used to leave me rolling in my head bombsrded by a storm of emotions and memories. Madness! So i always stayed with others whenever i could and was stable enough to do so. But now, after a lifetime of healing, solitude no longer leaves me in a psychotic break. To streangthen your Self, you must be alone. Focus on your future, your dreams, your goals, your feelings … But a semblance of Self must be found before this is possible, otherwise you ride an emotion storm of pain and anger, only to run to the safety of civilization and the familiar roles your forced to play depending completely on the imediate environment
I can relate to this letter. I’m in my early 20s and I’ve learned that my parents made me into the black sheep of the family, the one that gets all the blame on – because as my mom would say “I was a difficult child” but the truth is they never met my emotional needs, tried to built a relationship with me or gave me much attention growing up. I remember always feeling very lonely as a child except when I was with my grandma which sadly passed away in my teen years. Anyways my younger sibling growing up and seeing that I was the black sheep of the family made her treat me very poorly, never having no compassion over me or desiring to built a relationship. I’ve tried to built a relationship with my younger sibling ever since we were young but she would push me away emotionally and continues to do so as she’d enter her 20s. The older I get the more I realize my worth and that I deserve so much better than emotionally unavailable parents and a sibling that treats me as if I’m nothing. I’m learning to love and take care of myself each day.
So much of Sonia’s experiences ring familiar to me. I’m in my 50s, I’m barely able to function, I have had a heavy sadness for my whole life. I had lots of intermittent reinforcement – investment in sticking it out with parents who were horrible to each other. My mother was also charming in company, still is. And she continues to make my life hell because now she relies on me and expects me to be there for her when she was never there for me. It’s a gift to hear Anna’s validation and caring nature. “What matters is the consequences of the parents’ behaviours. What is holding us back from fully enjoying life?”
It is heartbreaking to relate to so many stories. I hate that so many people have had to feel the same things. My childhood was very similar except my mom hated me. She would even tell people she was intentionally trying to hurt me. I much preferred the physical abuse. My sister (I typed daughter first) was born when I was a little over 5. I pretty much raised her. She lived a complete different life because they didn’t hate her and I was pretty good at keeping the bad stuff on me. My sister is the first person I can go to invalidate everything, pretty much my existence. I can of course go to my dad or my mother (I hate calling her that) for invalidation too. My dads grown some and just the other day he validated some of it for the first time in my life, I’m 42, when I’m pretty sure he was scared I might not survive the day. That woman still tried to goes out of her way to hurt me she has even started trying to do it through my daughter who has now realized what her grandmother is and is struggling. It’s a mess. I’m a mess. I’m trying to get away I think I’m just going to live in my vehicle and do it. I used to be very close with my sister, but over the years it just seems we live in two completely different realities. I have no relationships beyond my daughter. I still can’t figure out building one with myself. I know the things they make sense I can say them to other people and help them but I feel no worth. When I interact with the world and other people (which is very rare) it feels like the consensus is I have no worth.
I am glad you made reference to the ” freeze response .” This is where I find myself right now . I don’t have a job, I don’t have money, I feel down and humiliated. Lots of shame, I guess. I am a single mother and completely without any support ( father is a narcissist- sociopath who stopped talking to me as a way of punishing me.) I have talents but I feel like floating in the air. In the limbo. Have no family to call or count on. I cut out my “friends ” bc they were really not healthy and on the personality disorder side. I feel completely alone . I will look into the courses you mentioned. Thank you for this article.
I started your Daily Practice course this morning and did the 2nd one in the evening…. I felt compelled to write my fears and resentments in the evening …. I thought that I wouldn’t be able to stop writing until my deepest fear about the situation came into my mind. I didn’t analyse, the words just started coming into my mind about what I really feared. I signed off as you tell us to do and then burnt the paper I’d written on. As I was perusal the smoke going upwards, I felt my spirit lighten as though a load had been taken away. I just cried my eyes out I could feel myself being soothed and what seemed like a pair of arms holding me. Thank you for giving me the tools to experience that powerful feeling. I’ll be doing it again tomorrow xx
Heavy! I completely relate to her story, I never felt seen by my family, and I felt like a burden to them 99% of the time, everything seemed fake with them, the appearence of the “perfect family”… I refused to be a part of that lie, and they hated me for this. Today, I broke all ties with them, and I feel like they’re completely strangers now. It’s really, REALLY sad, I feel shitty sometimes, but at the same time I feel safe now, in a better place, on a better position. I was a zombie until my 30’s, from that point I went full grey rock, that saved my life.
What a heartbreaking story. Sonia, you did well to write to Anna and her advice sounds really good. The idea of looking into some kind of amateur theatre/drama experience is brilliant. Play to your known strengths, including writing in some form 🙂 Also, thanks Anna for recommending Irene Lyon. I’d never heard of her before… just took a look at her intro article here on YouTube and plan to dive in! I love the mission of this website to empower us all to uncover our gifts and bring good into the world. 💖💕
Sonya, I’m in the UK and around your age, and have a similar background story. I could have written half of what you described, though my dad wasn’t violent. Just very self absorbed/narcissistic. My mother sounds very similar to yours. And yes, I won a writing contest at primary school, but nothing I ever achieved got my mother’s attention or approval. She was entirely focussed on my younger brother. Sending you hugs x
I had a similar experience growing up, with the exception that I was made in charge and responsible for my siblings and mother’s well being. I was too young to take on such a heavy load. Now as an adult I have the same issues as the lady, recently I had to end a relationship with an ex that suffers from BPD because she became physically abusive, the internment reinforcement caused me to trauma bond and now I am fighting my abandonment issues because I know I deserve better. Thank you for sharing this, it is extremelly validating.
This is really wonderful and I appreciated hearing this topic! It made me realize something about my past, that I never understood. The writer was expressing the story about walking into the brother’s bedroom when her mother and brother were talking and laughing- and all activity stop. And she had to walk away. I always wondered why I have this very deeply ingrained feeling inside of being a throw-away person, completely disposable, to be used and then thrown away whenever suitable, and not worth much. This story, although mine was a bit different but very similar, reflects mine very well. My brother was repeatedly taught that it was okay to shame and mistreat me (the bad kid), use me and throw me away, and I’ll always come back for more. That explains everything about why he’s continued to treat me badly even after both of our parents are dead. I haven’t been actively coming back for more maltreatment from him for several years now but not wanting to completely slam the door shut on a relationship. He’s never going to change though. What finally showed me that I’m ready to take the step of just not communicating with him anymore was after a call a couple of weeks ago. When saying goodbye, he said, “I love you.” That was my cue to say, I love you too. But I didn’t. He said it a few times, ‘I love you.’ But I couldn’t say the words back to him. I couldn’t. Because I don’t. It would have blasphemed my soul to say the words. I said, “Bye-bye” instead. I think we’re done. Maybe the writer would like to be done too with her brother and any surviving parents.
I am soo glad I have found your articles!! The past few years I have woken up to see how things have been in my life and how I haven’t been living my life to the best potential. I know there is more to life than what I am living and I am sooooo frustrated with myself for not being the best person and adult role model for my own son. He is now 20 years old, in college for psychology. Which is great because I think with me working on myself and him learning about symptoms can help him heal. We can grow and heal together I hope!!! We do have a relationship, but i know it can be better. This letter is so much how my mom treated me when my brother was born. I could never do enough for her to be happy and stay that way, because there was always something. Then she was told she has bipolar and now that is her excuse. Look out world!!
this story really struck a chord while listening to it… my situation was highly similar, being split between my mother, maternal grandmother, “father” (there’s a story of false paternity, rejection, and resentment there), and his mother. alongside changing boyfriends/girlfriends/step-parents, but in my family it was the girls who were the golden children, especially my sisters who were conventionally pretty. i was raised from birth being told i was an unwanted, life ruining teenage pregnancy and that nobody had even wanted me to be born, and then i had the audacity to be a defective child as well (chronically ill with a poor immune system and severe asthma and allergies) so from the very beginning i was raised to be silent, non-intrusive, “easy” to take care of – like my existence needed to be apologized for, so i did my best to exist as little as possible. this has followed me to now, being 23 and still trying to build any kind of identity. i know who i am internally, but have no goals or desires to socialize, connect, network, advance in life. i just want to withdraw into my internal world, specifically focusing on media analysis and psycho-analysis. i know I’m creative but have no drive to ever putting that creativity to use, I don’t want to share it or put it into the world. it’s like I’ve given up before i even began, and I don’t know how to get past the game over screen. I’ve lived like im dead since birth, i never cried or babbled or played with anyone as an infant/toddler/small child.
Oh my goodness. This letter could have been written by me. Everything. One thing that stood out to me was the writer’s two gifts that arose from her horrible childhood that she could embrace to help elevate herself from her state of mental and emotional lethargy. She sees and recognizes these gifts/abilities but isn’t embracing them as an integral part of her identity. I don’t suggest living in a fantasy world all the time, but using these talents constructively can bring great joy from so much pain. I grew up just as the writer did. I am an actress. I am a writer. These are big parts of my identity. They seem to be part of the writer’s identity, too, but embracing and incorporating those gifts has to happen or the memory of them instead of the living can be crushing. It’s never too late to become what you were meant to be.
Sonya thank you for sharing. I have to admit, when I heard this story I began to cry. The tears came when I realized that this has happened to another person. Sonyas story is almost word for word a copy of my own. I’m 45 now and it’s hard to figure out why you were born to these people. As a child, I was called crazy by my mother due to my eccentric personality. I wasn’t like them and definitely did not meet their expectations. I met my best friend and one thing he told me to do to find myself was to embrace “the crazy”. So as a result, I indulged in varied creative activities. Trying new things that remotely interest myself to see if I like them. I have also cut off my parents. I chased after them for years trying to get validation or approval. They are not interested in a relationship and I have finally decided that I am not either. Thank you Anna for these articles. I truly believe God has pointed this out to me to help me finally heal.
So many parallels I felt as you read her tragic life. I too had English parents and it described my mom, but not my dad. She favored my brother to the point that after my dad disinherited him, for being a black sheep, she secretly resented me. When my dad died, my brother, who had been briefly living with them, took over the role of the man of the house but got our mom to blow all her money on him and do underhanded things like try to legally change the Will and Living Trust. In the end, he had her take out a reverse mortgage and stole my inheritance by her giving him all the money. He told me 5 hours after she died. He left town 3 weeks later, and I had to shut down the estate which cost me thousands of dollars. It’s been 9 years now I have yet to hear from him. (I know I won’t) My youngest daughter calls me an orphan. Oh the details could win me a Pulitzer in dramatic literature. So at 58, I still say to myself, what was I supposed to do in my life?? The woman in the story—I feel her pain. At least it helps me understand a few things…
Anna, this is one of the most powerful and resonant letters you’ve shared. And you’re right, Sonia is a wonderful writer – I’m sure she will find daily pockets of joy in the creative pursuits she back-burnered in order to “get through life”. I’m the same age and have also fallen foul of this but it’s never too late to become “you” – the real one, not the version others imposed. 56 going on 15 – with everything still to play for! I wish her every success and delight. Thank you, Anna – your insight, honesty and wisdom is so needed in this world.
It’s like this woman’s letter is talking about me. She deserves to find herself and find peace and happiness. It’s not too late! This is almost identical to what I experienced. Favored brother (younger) who is now entitled, disregarding mother, etc. Keep nurturing yourself. You will gradually find your true self and resurrect her.
Sonia, thank you for opening up and putting yourself out there because it’s incredibly tragic stories like yours that help Anna to create articles about topics so very important to our healing and growth. My childhood somewhat mirrors what you shared and I will tell you, there is no bringing your mother around. All I can say is, even on my mom’s death bed, even after everything I did for her in the end, she never uttered a single apology for anything. I was a zero. I remember I was around 12 years old and literally standing in front of her and screaming for her to see me or talk to me. Instead she would ignore me, smile and flip the pages of her book. Then when my brother walked in, she put her book down and smiled happy to see him asked him how his day was going. Fast forward to this one day when I was visiting her with my kids, she asked me “why” I felt the way I did. (She was prescribing how I should mother my kids which automatically got my back up because she did not mother me.) I really thought she was wanting to connect with me so I went through very specific times in my life where her neglect left me at risk, discarded and abandoned (waiting for letters from home that never came or would only call when she knew I was in bed,) or in situations seeing things I had no business seeing. But you see, her wanting to know wasn’t because she cared about my emotional “well being” or because she wanted to repair our strained “relationship”. In hind sight, she was fishing for how much I remembered.
I am 31 and came across you about 7/8 months ago when I looked up on YouTube about growing up in a hoarding, messy, dirty home. I was in a “relapse” space and my partner was struggling with my lack of pulling my share of chores. I really felt so broken as I have many times across my life. It was the worst place I had been in in years, and I finally have accessed therapy catered to trauma via the NHS now, its opened a lot of wounds. I can only really venture into a small, tiny part which involved reliving therapy for one incident in an abusive relationship. I get 12 sessions, I have 4 left then I dont know what my options are so I am trying to be more active myself. This article hit hard, so hard. Some of those childhood feelings felt very familiar and I wanted to cry (on a bus right now so fought it off). I am so appreciative of what you do. I have felt so fundamentally broken and like I can never heal, never okay. I am constantly exhausted, knowing these relapses will return. Will this cycle continue forever? It makes me feel very much like perservering and trying is futile, yknow like giving up. This article among so many I watched today from you and Patrick Teahan really made me feel some hope. Thank you
“Even if she didn’t feel able to leave him on her own account, why didn’t she leave him to protect us kids”. YES. A million times yes. This is the basis of my problem with my mom. I dont give a 💩 about my abusive father and I lost the last of the respect I had for my mom after I had kids. I had gained too much perspective to be able to put up with her b.s. I don’t understand how anyone can sit by while their kids are being traumatized.
I just had a rush of thoughts I wanted to share with you. While I was listening to this article, I realized how much I’ve changed and grown as a person ever since I started perusal you. I discovered this website during Covid. Since then, little by little, things have changed from 0-9 and in a good way!! Mostly from what I learned from you. Now, perusal your articles is the most valuable thing I do with my day…besides doing the daily practice. 😊 Thank you so much for being such an inspiration. I’m forever grateful!
I only realised who I am after 60 years, I’m 63 now. It’s only when I found out about narsistic abuse (by my mother) that a light switch went on. I feel my life will never begin Until the day she’s not here. She is 86 and in good, or very good health for her age is able to live a good life (unlike my sister and I) without prescription medication. So i patiently just wait out each day, although it is mighty hard some days.
ive never known who I was. ive had different genders, sexualities, and animal kin identities since I was 4/5 years old. I went through a transgender phase, hating my femininity, and hold tightly onto nonhuman identities because I don’t feel human anymore. ive asked quite a lot “who am I?” My older sibling was favorited. he has more support. his bad behaviors were enabled. I never had support.
I just came across this website recently and love it! It’s such a fantastic resource and community. I’m a trauma survivor and trauma recovery therapist and will certainly be recommending this website to clients with PTSD and CPTSD. Having listened to Sonia’s letter, it sounds like her father was a sociopath and her mother a covert narcissist. This is quite a common paring and a terrible combination for any child to have to grown up around. Healing is possible though, and the first place to start is with education on sociopathy and narcissism. This way Sonia will be able to see how deficient her parents were, and really begin to realise that none of what happened to her was any reflection of her worth, but due to the incapacity of her parents to actually be parents.
I just turned 24, and have many things in common with her. Listening to this article has made me realize that if I don’t take responsibility of my own healing it will never get better. Ever since I can remember I sort of assumed that one day things would all be okay, but it truly is up to me. I hope she can start healing and feeling better. Her story is heartbreaking but it can always get better.
Anna, thank you so much for the absolute beauty, compassion & love that you exude in your response. Sonia’s story & mine sadly have tough similarities & your tender, hopeful response & resources…..what a precious gift that you are. If you can heal, surely so can we. I need to do the practice, but, I am also frozen. You gave small steps. Thank you. Thank you for the acknowledgment & encouragement, your soft & gentle truth giving.
This will sound strange, though maybe not to anyone else perusal these articles and in this community, too. But yesterday was my mum’s birthday – and long story (always is) I have been doing a bit of inner work and the daily practise every day and decided to go minimal contact (not zero contact) but very mininal, while I heal from the narcissistic abuse and cptsd. I didn’t know how to handle yesterday, but this article coming out exactly on the day I needed it – was a Godsend. What a huge blessing. Thank you, Anna, just for everything you do, for all of us. All of us who are struggling – not in a hopeless struggle, but a fighting for life and for the goodness in it kinda struggle ❤️🙏 We’re gonna get there guys ❤❤ One step at a time, one foot in front of the other. (We also say that in Australia 😉) Love to everyone here ❤
Hi Sonia, thank you for sharing your story. Even before you mentioned winning the writing competition, and even while being completely horrified at your treatment, I noticed what a beautiful writing style you have. We are all rooting for you to be able to move forward and have some well-deserved joy and confidence that you belong in the world as much as anybody else.
I can relate to Sonja’s empty feeling when the bad is banished and those negative voices have finally been silenced… And now what? What do I live for? Who am I ? For me, I needed to continually receive loving kindness from others and God in the present and give myself permission to grieve what I lost – years, family, self, opportunities, etc. Weirdly, that sense of emptiness had filled me till there was no room for anything else, and grieving emptied that emptiness out, so that I had room inside again to learn, to hope, to grow – to love myself the way I should have been loved. It’s painful, but it’s possible!! Best wishes for Sonja and all the rest of us on our healing journeys ❤
I also experienced trauma as a child and have realised that suffering in some way or another is all part of life on this earth. We cannot know joy without knowing sorrow – it’s the other side of life’s coin. It’s taken many years to process and forgive. The hardest part was forgiving myself for not setting appropriate boundaries. Now I ask myself what have I learned from these experiences? We can get too focused on the negatives, so finding one small thing each day to be thankful for is for me the most wonderful balm and then I notice more of the glad things in this life rather than focusing on the sad, which was a habitual response for many years..
Sonya! So much of what you went through hits the chords in me too. Currently I am in the same situation – a stay at home mom and barely functioning. Terrified that this is all there is. Thank you for writing in because I have never known about this Irene healer. All the more power to you for self realization – you are not alone, I’ll send love from a distance. Onward!
The first 40 seconds is literally what I rant about so much. Parents do not see their child for who they are (sensitivities and all) and blanket punish them and their siblings which leads to trauma. Edit: I resonate with Sonia’s letter so much. In my teens I grew up in the UK and was a drama kid too (millennial) and have no idea who I am. My mum also favours my younger brother more than my twin sister and I
My family life was similar but my mum ended up divorcing my dad and the stress of being a single mother raising two kids and working poisoned her against me. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I raised my little brother, did chores, renovations, everything she asked and was never thanked. I never felt like I had a home it was “her house” everything I did was because I owed her. I wished I was never born or could be adopted. Now I understand stress and trauma and I feel a lot better about myself and see my own worth. I’m not perfect but I’m doing the best with the cards I’m given.
Anna,… and all of team fairy… i just want to express my gratitude for what you’re giving to the world via this website and for the excellence of your content. Anna, your compassion and wisdom never fail to resonate with me and move me… so thank you… sincerely! The author of the letter you call Sónia is truly an excellent writer and her story and the injustice of it moved me to tears. I so wanted to time travel and comfort that wounded child of her memories. Such huge attachment wounds and and her mother was obviously deeply trauma bonded with an abusive and violent man. I wonder if he made her mother feel inadequate that she hadn’t produced a son in the first instance. How much better would Sónia’s life have been if she could have only remained in the care of those loving grandparents… I really hope that she will take your words on board and start by writing her story… or by joining a drama group. Your advice was helpful to us all. My chin is up and I’m ready to put one foot in front of the other… even though tears are streaming down my cheeks and I’m not really sure what my passions hopes and dreams are right now. I will keep on with the daily practice and continue to give thanks for this forum as I don’t have the financial means right now to seek therapy. 🌻🙏✨️
Sonia, I am so sorry for your awful and abusive family. I can certainly relate to you on some of the dynamics. I too search for who I am as I approach 50, not quite sure if Ive ever really known. Some ideas for writing can be sign up for an online course ( I found a watercolors class with 6 months of assignments where you post your work on Teachable for $95). Maybe you can find a penpal where you exchange short stories instead of personal letters, via post or email, or even start a group that does that each week etc. Doesn’t coast anything but time and maybe a stamp?) Sending love to YOU 😊 on your healing journey❤
Hi Anna. I cried upon seeing the thumbnail, the title/subject of article and your kind face telling me it’s ok. And that you unfortunately “get it”. I have yet to watch the article I’m a bit afraid. But I will! And sending much goodness your way in this moment. I feel a swirl of emotions I’m not sure which it is, but mainly sadness for the people in the comments who know this as well. It should not Be. For anyone. Thank you Anna. Before I even have watched the article.
I have very similar symptoms that Sonia describes…the Freeze state is a very accurate depiction of my status. I feel like I could’ve written her letter with the exact symptoms she describes currently…even down to the fantasy of winning the lottery! My verbatim condition also. That seems to be the only thing I have the ability to muster any interest over. I also harbor quite a bit of shame and guilt about my symptoms, as I’m about 10 years younger than Sonia and I have young children. I don’t want to repeat cycles of my crappy childhood that will wind up with these types of outcomes for my kids. It would be really helpful to have a second part to this article/story…expanding more on the Freeze state and the aspects of lost identity. I’m sure I’m not the only other person who deeply resonates with this story who could really benefit from a deeper dive into the way out/up from here. How do we get to better know ourselves when everything is so apathetic and flatlined in the freeze state? Thank you for the advice regarding Irene Lyon and nervous system health. That’s helpful for where to start physically. If you would please consider expanding on this subject a little more (or have other recommendations) for the mental and emotional aspects, I know it will be so helpful! Thank you for your articles and the compassion you always show to the letters you receive. It’s so important to be validated in our experiences. For some, that alone can be the missing component to their healing. 🌟 Sending love and light to you and to Sonia.
I am always amazed when someone remembers their life at 1.5 years old. I can’t remember anything before my 6 years of age. When I hear a stories this, I’m happy I don’t remember because she does and it is so traumatic. As we get older, we still want acceptance from family and friends but thankfully, some of us realize enough is enough and leave the past in the past and concentrate on today and tomorrow. My mom ended her life, my families disappeared, eventually after leaving my ex wife who was basically like my abusive father, my 2 kids disappeared, almost 20 years now so yes, a lot of trauma but I decided to talk to myself and say enough is enough. I’m a good person and finally met my amazing kind and beautiful wife of 16 years now and at almost 62, finally happy. I’m happy because I made hard decisions like leaving and restarting my life, going through losing everything but that took courage and today, finally happy. Good luck because when we stop self pitying, we act and decide. We are stronger then we think we are. New decisions are always a great step forward. Scary but better than staying in a rut. Courage!!!
I nearly could have written Sonya’s letter. Born in the mid 60’s, I had a younger sister and a father I rarely saw (he wasn’t physically abusive though). Even my mother’s acquaintances noticed her extreme preferential treatment towards my sister. I looked like my dad, my sister looks very much like my mother (who looked like Grace Kelly with dark hair). I spent most of my youth in my room, alone, while they were out enjoying various activities. Same deal as Sonya; my mom would spend 30 minutes to an hour with my sister every night, and usually just shout a “g’nite” to me. Today most of my mother’s friends have no clue that she has a second child. When I would stay with her, which was rare, she would forbid me from answering the door or phone. The ONLY time that she introduced me to anyone was when a movie that I had worked on got an Academy Award nomination for Best Picture (among others). For about a year she was OK with her friends and coworkers knowing me, but that has long since ended. I dealt with all of it by being a workaholic and not socializing (both of which she encouraged in my youth). If anyone asks me “What do you like to do for fun”? I have no answer, because I don’t know.
I am 66 years old. And it’s taken me most of those years to come to a place of knowing who I am. Accepting who I am, the good the bad and the ugly. And loving it all. perusal this is basically my story with a few things different. I’m adopted. Diagnosed at birth with cerebral palsy. But my birth mother had already surrendered me for adoption. I was a difficult baby and child. My. Other told me recently that they are sorry but they just never really bonded with me. But I Am Me. I heard on a daily basis the question ” why can’t you just be normal” and “why can’t you be more like you’re brothers or your cousins or your friends…” but she would never tell me how. And now I help others find their way home to themselves. To witness their journey and reflect their power to them. Empowering others. That’s my purpose.
Very good 👍 I went to therapy after getting my MBA and while working at Warner Bros. I needed a therapist who helped me get my independence from my family just like the woman in this article. Instead, she had spent time with my mom. As if our relationship would change 😮😢. The therapist had limited, magical thinking. I should have cut my losses early in life and realized that my relationship with the family was different. Swallow it. Where the rubber Mets the road. It is what it is. Reality head on. It was hard explaining my truth to people outside my family. Families are supposed to be loving. 😢
Oh man…the part about being good at acting and drama because you could play any part…I have been saying that for years and I often get completely lost in my characters when acting. When the show ends, I almost feel like I lost a part of myself. I also chameleon in certain friend groups/people I’m around.
Hi, I am 61 years old and up until the last two years I really have spent my time surviving and running from whatever it was that people thought I was that I wasn’t. For example, I always heard oh, you look like your mom we’ll see how you turn out. So that’s some thing I kept running from. But anyway anytime I sit down and think about goals or where I wanna be in 10 years or anything like that anything long range I cannot think of that. I can tell you I’m going to work every day I can tell you that on Friday I’m doing some thing but anything long range you know I can’t think in that area. To sit down and say I’m going to save up money for a car to buy in the future. No not possible anything future related forget it. I also, since my parents both died the previous three years I also did a lot of counseling and a lot of work on shame, and, all of my past business. And I at this point I have been walking around saying who am I? I don’t even know who I am anymore because I’ve change so much and I’ve been through so much in the past three years. One thing that did help was to sit down and think about the things that I like to do when I am all by myself and nobody is involved in my existence. That actually did help a lot. But yeah, I really get this loss of identity thing. Mostly, I will tell you that as a child, I was a servant I wasn’t a person and I grew up a servant. I didn’t become a person or even start becoming a person until the past 10 years. That process has been difficult itself.
Another SONJE who was invalidated and ignored as a child. As a result, I became such a people pleaser that now, at 59, I have no idea who I really am. Complicating the matter is the fact that I have a few disabling chronic conditions that cause extreme pain and fatigue. Over the years, I’ve tried to kickstart my life and passions over and over again but was sabotaged by my people pleasing/predator attracting ways. I’ve only just discovered you and am hoping to address my issues now. I hope it helps, because despite the healthy gains I’ve made in my marriage, I still feel like I’m just waiting around for death at this point. I keep my home clean and dogs fed and walked, but have no energy for anything creative or spending time in nature … it’s late afternoon before I can even get moving … there has to be more in life for me.
I was talking to my daughter about something like this. We were talking about journaling for my trauma and I told her that when I was about 18 I had written some things in a notebook and one of them stuck with me. It was how I felt like I was just a mirror reflecting the people around me. I still feel that way.
God this was awful, what she went through. I had a not-as-bad, yet similar mother, in that everyone who “knew” her thought she was wonderful. They had no idea what she was like when they weren’t around: an angry, depressed alcoholic. And the narcissistic hostility to a child of the same gender? I have wondered about that for decades. She always got on a lot better with my brother, sometimes asking me why I couldn’t be more like him. I got anxious messages from her, that I’d better not get “fat and ugly -” I knew she wouldn’t love me like that – and then she seemed to resent me for “avoiding” those “flaws”. And neither she nor my father ever could hear about or acknowledge how they’d hurt me. This opens up some old sore places: thank you. Now I can do more healing.
Hi Anna and Crappy Childhood Fairy Community/Mods, Thank you so much for your work. I have a concern that I hope we can discuss in this website. I have a sister who is always getting abused in her jobs. Always. She always gets the abusive leads who always tries to destroy her through maltreatment and gossip. I know that the world is not a very nice place, I know that not all people are kind and understanding. But when something happens three consecutive times, you will begin to wonder, why? Now, I am even thinking that she could also be a problem. I do not know what she really does at work but for sure she’s not rude. I also know she had good work ethic as I saw her getting recognition in school and she graduated with latin honors. Even at work, her colleagues and even her mean bosses praise her dedication. But why was it that she always ends up being destroyed afterwards? She’s already suffering PTSD from the previous encounters, she even have medication for her depression, and it doesn’t help now that she’s under-going another attack. Sometimes I think she’s drawn to companies with toxic cultures. If this is correct, can you give us tips on how she could heal this? Last December, I rescued her from her toxic boss where she was a stay-in. I threatened the to report the company to government, but when I’m filing, she stopped me as she doesn’t want problems anymore. I argued with her about it, but ended up following her advise as she’s seriously ill. I nursed her to health, until July when she accepted this new work.
I’ve only discovered you today, Anna, and wow! Golden nugget of wisdom after golden nugget. I got so much from this talk. I was right there with you, nigh tears, as you read that sweet lady’s letter. I am British, married to an American, so I really resonated with the putting one step in front of the other. I had typically ‘brush it under the carpet’ parents who never listened to me, I was emotionally neglected or rejected. As a HSP that was tough. America has taught me to validate my feelings and re-parent myself. I needed a bit of California:-) Thanks again for your warm wisdom. I’m a new subscriber.
It was particular worse with Black little girls whose parents were Oppressed, Young and Dumb. My parents grew up in Oppression and accepted it and fell thru cracks of it rather than go around, over, under or thru it. Some Black parents went above the hardship of it – not mine. They simply passed it on. Oppression along with CTPSD was intended to “Mess You Up For Life.” I would love to toast of becoming Un Messy.
This letter really hit home it almost sounded like the one that I would have written almost to the T…! I’m so grateful that somebody else has experienced this and I am so grateful for your comments and to know that it was mean what they did and I concur with Sonya about Daddy’s physical but mother’s mental abuse has stayed with me to this day! She does other things also, like doing things without me asking her to do and then holding them over my head and constantly lecturing me and downgrading me for it making me feel like I’m worthless. My daughter even heard my mom on the phone with one of her friends and overheard her actually say that she wished it was me that OD’d and not my brother!! The sad part is is that I already knew she felt that way, I didn’t need to hear it. I feel like it’s gotten so much worse this past year because my daddy passed away last May and I wasn’t there for it that’s a whole other story. There has been so many times and incidences where I have wanted to just test them and not call them to see if they would call me and how long it would take them and it never happens. So my question is why am I the only one in my family that is basically outcasted in my eyes but I’m the only one that wants to connect with them???!!! How did you sacrifice your feelings of not ever speaking to them again? Because I can’t ever force myself to go that far! I desperately would love to speak with somebody about all of this, now that I know it’s not my fault. I just turned 48 years old, and am just TIRED!
I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I find myself resonating with your life experiences. I have noticed all of my life how my mother treated me differently then my siblings. I had 6 siblings. As a a child I called myself cinderella. I felt like a slave in my own house and i had always wondered if i was adopted. Somewhere down adulthood i rebelled and of course they are furious with me for no longer being their slave. Its definitely been a burden i have carried all of my life. My only worth. The only way i can receive love is through enslaving myself to someone. To be useful and obedient. I am in my mid 30s now and am contemplating cutting my entire family out of my life. I feel like it would be so freeing. My shackles will finally be gone
The healing element of hearing someone else’s story that resembles many aspects of your own can be so powerful. I identify with numerous elements of this story and Anna’s story as well. Feeling unique in our stories can leave one feeling isolated…this feeling is beginning to vanish for me. Thank you 🙏
Dear CCF, I appreciate this article so much. It connected with me deeply, as I also went through childhood trauma of losthood and healing. I grew up in a family that was not functioning well, where I seldom felt loved, accepted, or safe. I was often ignored, and left behind by my parents, who had their own challenges with alcohol and gambling. I sometimes reacted by being jealous and breaking other people’s things that I felt I deserved more, and I developed a coping mechanism that made me suspicious, guarded, and isolated from others. I felt like I had no sense of self, no direction, and no hope. I brought this trauma into my adulthood, and it influenced every area of my life. I had difficulties with relationships, career, health, and happiness. I felt like I was always escaping from myself, trying to fill the emptiness inside me with external things like porn and daily dose of imaginative masturbation. I attempted therapy, medication, self-help books, spirituality, but self help is a life long journey and every step of self help made a difference to who i am and who i can be. I sometimes still felt haunted by the past, and at some point maybe felt like I was bound to repeat it. But then, I found your website, and it transformed my life. You taught me how to acknowledge and heal my childhood wounds, how to nurture myself, and how to create a new identity based on who I truly am, not who I was conditioned to be. You showed me that I am not alone, that I am not damaged, and that I can heal.
Sonia when you described perusal your mother walk away from you when she left you with a toxic caregiver….how a deep rooted sadness took over…. I experienced the exact same thing. I’m also 56 and I feel like we have lived the same life. I’ve gone no contact with my family and am working on my healing. Lately I’ve been in freeze mode too so having this article come up in my feed is no coincidence. Thank you for sharing your story. You helped me get out of bed this morning. ❤️
To the young lady in the letter. You are GOD’s BEAUTIFUL CHILD as hard as that might be to believe you are. Your past and the family you were born into DO NOT define you it’s pieces of your puzzle is all. Decide to Take the other pieces now and do something BEAUTIFUL with them. (Acting etc. ) Remember you’re still standing GOD still has amazing purpose for u❤BLESSINGS
I was a young very lonely boy in the early 1970’s. My father always told me – “children should be seen and not heard” and meant it and said it over and over and over.. My mom didn’t like me and always told me so. Always. I used to make electrical things – like lights that turning off and on – and proudly showed them to my mother. All she ever said to me was “you are such a strange child”. That was all. I can remember going weeks without saying a word to anyone. Why? because no one cared. I guess I’m starting to open up. I never shared these things because, till recently, I always blamed myself. I cry a lot and it helps.
Thank you so much for this article, and I so agree, it is important to get unstuck and to come into your life, the things specifically you can contribute. And for me it was a reconnection to my spiritual awareness that I am truly deeply loved by God, who made me and that He loves me with so much joy and delight. He is always with me and I can talk to Him about everything. It is not an imagined relationship compensating for my lack of connection. In a meditative form of becoming quiet in centering prayer (Thomas Keating) He gives me images, sentences, realizations, immense feelings of peace that has nothing to do with my environment…. And in this communication He is taking me into life, showing me that He loves me and I can live following Him every day and seeing how exciting life is…. I have so changed and become alive. I pray and thank Him to free me from trauma bonding, and so much of the pressure to be loved by people who cannot love me,, has already gone. May God’s love bring you Home, so that you can live and live full of Life as you are created and meant
I really struggle with this. My mom never pointed out much of anything positive about me but she would never miss a chance to tell me everything wrong with me. “Too shy, ungrateful, lazy, clumsy” 👎 everytime I told her something I wanted to do or try she would tell me why I shouldn’t bother “that’s just not your personality”/”you will just quit again like you do everything” very discouraging. I don’t bother with much these days but I have been working on training my dogs and I’m proud of the progress we are making ❤
Fairy, you are so insightful and helpful. Thank you so very much for putting this out there. I think of my abusive father who didn’t speak to me for the last decade of his life. He said “don’t call me, I’ll call you.” He never did. Your response to this letter helps me see, he just couldn’t compute, he didn’t want to see me and be reminded of how he’d lived his life and how he had treated people. ❤
Sonia. ❤ GOOD FOR YOU! Do not EVER look back… ever! You were and are worthy, but those who feel they are unworthy often can’t face their own pain and so project it onto others… in your case, your mother felt unworthy but projected it onto you. I’m so sorry and yet so happy that you’ve realized your own value and in so doing, let go of people who don’t understand value… so they can’t see it or appreciate it in anyone or anything ❤
my parents both lost their same sex parent at an early age so lacked a suitable role model to be a parent. They were distant and inattentive to me, I grew up mostly alone, and I remember my mother telling me “you can be whatever you want to be” – and I felt “any suggestions – a little help?” My 63yo boss later said “I’ll know what I want to do when I grow up” – I felt like that.
❤Miss Anna, thank you . This needed to be talked about. And I fall into this subject., I am, for some reason I’m afraid to separate my self from my abusive mother. Even tho I realize her abuse hurts my healing. I always imagined her becoming a part of the healing process. Owning the mistakes verses telling me i am the mistake. . Zero guidance to help find who I am…. with you on board ❤Miss Anna, you have given me direction, and a sense of mother/sister/ Love. Someone who genuinely wants others to find healing and find who they are. .. 🎉❤. 🫸💔🔥♥️🫷
Thank you for sharing this … I also am the black sheep daughter in a family with a doted on, abusive, narcissistic brother. I’m in my 40s and doing everything I can to heal emotionally and physically. I too struggle with knowing who I am, but I know it’s worth uncovering… 😌 ✨️ I wish faith and healing to all who struggle like this.
Omg, this is so similar to my childhood. Im stuck, too. Thank you for this article. It’s given me hope. I’ve come to realize I’ve had a broken heart my entire life, and that’s a very long time. New to these articles. Thanks and blessings to all who have endured abusive parents, spouses, etc. I was just about to give up.
This is really emotional for me as it literally sounds like this is talking about me. I’m 52 and just now realizing there is a reason why I’m the way I am. I experienced the same abandonment, verbal, physical, and emotional abuse from a step parent. I’ve been perusal several of your articles and I swear you’re talking about me in each one of them. I was always treated like bottom shelf. Blind folded, locked on a room, tortured, etc. I can however, say that because of cognitive behavior therapy for military PTSD, it gave me more clarity to come to terms with my crappy childhood. All this revealed in the past year. It explains why I’m so independent and won’t rely on anyone for anything. I’m just now at a point where I can start delegating roles where I work which definitely lifted the burden. I wish everyone well and hope each of you can perservere as I did.
Have to say- Sonia your story is my story-to a large extent, and the way you feel now Sonia is how I feel. Our mother-daughter-son dynamics seem to be so alike. Just like you- This frozen state has become second nature to me. I “know” what you’re talking about and I understand you completely I hope we all completely heal from our painful pasts before life ends Thank you Anna for sharing the story and for the invaluable resources that you have provided in the article
I relate so much to this story because I also have a younger brother who’s always been favored by my mother, and I remember how hurtful it would be when me doing something to hurt him on accident made her outraged, but he could beat me and one time almost drowned me in the pool, and my mother would act annoyed when I’d cry to her for help. To this day, though I despite both my emotionally immature parents, I still find myself weighing every decision I make against the question “would this make THEM happy.” Nothing makes me happy. The only thing I want is to feel like I matter, but I don’t know how to help myself start feeling that way after having been shown my entire life that I don’t