Family members play a crucial role in supporting and understanding the autistic family member. Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) affects not just the individual diagnosed with it but the entire family, and each family member plays a unique role. WebMD asked experts what families can expect after a child is diagnosed with autism, and they said that five common issues and about how families can cope with are discussed.
There are seven key points to consider when promoting positive and meaningful interactions with an autistic family member. Autism affects not just the individual diagnosed with it but the entire family, and each family member plays a unique role. To help, get advice from other parents of autistic children or autistic adults, listen to their stories, and ask your questions.
Having a family member with autism can be time-consuming and attention-grabbing, and it is important to feel important too. Even if your brother or sister didn’t have autism, you can still support them in their everyday lives.
When a child receives an autism diagnosis, family members can make accommodations for the autistic child and provide them with support services and educational opportunities. One of the signs of autism is difficulty in forming bonds, and people with extremely severe autism may have trouble bonding to people very close to them.
However, maintaining close relationships with friends can be difficult for autistic individuals, as they may not know how often to contact them and may become upset. Having an autistic child can put a lot of strain on you and your family, and getting the right support and information can help develop new friendships and make them long-term fulfilling ones.
Siblings across several families reported on the difficulty of understanding and connecting with their autistic brother or sister. Extended family and friends can offer great support to families with autistic children, but the key is helping people understand how autism works and how to support them.
| Article | Description | Site |
|---|---|---|
| Therapist thinks ppl with asd don’t have close relationships … | It’s perfectly possible for autistic people to have close relationships with the people around them, be it family members, friends, coworkers, … | reddit.com |
| Interacting with Autistic People | Don’t be offended by lack of eye contact, motor tics or a lack of understanding personal boundaries. These are common challenges for an autistic person. | milestones.org |
| What to do when your family doesn’t accept autism | Why do some families refuse to accept autism? · 1. Generational differences · 2. Fear of stigma · 3. Not actually knowing what autism is · 4. Seeing … | autisticnotweird.com |
📹 Why socialising can be PAINFUL! (for autistic people)
There’s a myth that autistic people are not social or that we’re not interested in friends. The truth is that sometimes socialising can …
What Is The Leading Cause Of Death In Autism?
PUBLIC HEALTH IMPLICATIONS
Suffocation, asphyxiation, and drowning are the primary causes of death among individuals with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), highlighting the urgent need for prevention programs targeting these risks. Drowning stands out as a leading cause of mortality in this population. A recent comprehensive study on 406 individuals with ASD over a 20-year period (1998–2018) revealed that heart disease, suicide, and epilepsy were the predominant causes of death.
Alarmingly, individuals with ASD are nine times more likely to die by suicide than their neurotypical peers. Preventable injuries account for 28% of deaths in autistic individuals, primarily due to suffocation, asphyxiation, and drowning, which collectively contribute to nearly 80% of injury-related fatalities. Furthermore, autistic individuals experience significantly higher mortality risks linked to chronic conditions and accidents. Those with autism and learning disabilities face even greater risks of early death, often due to neurological disorders like epilepsy.
Drowning, particularly prevalent due to elopement behaviors, underscores the critical need for immediate swimming education upon diagnosis. Enhanced safety measures and awareness are necessary to mitigate the heightened risks faced by individuals with autism.
Why Are Relationships Hard For Autistic People?
Individuals with autism often struggle to read social cues that neurotypical individuals easily recognize, leading to misunderstandings in relationships. They may misinterpret their partner's emotions based on non-verbal signals like facial expressions and tone of voice. This difficulty extends to romantic connections, with autistic individuals frequently facing challenges initiating and maintaining relationships due to issues with emotional expression, sensory sensitivities, and social interactions. Despite these hurdles, many autistic people are capable of dating and forming intimate relationships, though they may perceive their autism traits as barriers.
Research indicates that autistic individuals often encounter higher rates of difficulties in romantic scenarios and may experience interpersonal abuse. However, they can still have fulfilling relationships with both neurodivergent and neurotypical partners and place significant value on these connections. Key challenges in these relationships usually include communication barriers, emotional dysregulation, discomfort with physical intimacy, and rigidity in routines. Autistic individuals might also require greater alone time for rejuvenation, potentially leading to feelings of loneliness due to their heightened emotional experiences.
Despite the misconceptions about their social capabilities, many people with autism desire emotional connections but may struggle to navigate the romantic landscape effectively. Being open, flexible, and patient in relationships can foster better connections for autistic individuals and their partners.
How Does Autism Affect Family Relationships?
Autism significantly influences family relationships and dynamics, reshaping them in profound ways that many parents, like Singer, never anticipated until faced with a diagnosis. Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), being a neurodevelopmental condition, impacts not only the child diagnosed but the entire family unit. This diagnosis can lead to both challenges and, surprisingly, positive changes in familial interactions. Families may face common issues, including altered communication styles and intimacy difficulties, necessitating tailored support for parents, siblings, and autistic individuals.
For parents, raising an autistic child can intensify emotional strains, leading to feelings of frustration and neglect for other family members, especially siblings, who may feel overlooked. Couples often confront pressures that can either strengthen or weaken their bond, particularly if they disagree on management strategies for their child's needs. Additionally, navigating societal responses to autism, from schools to disability services, adds another layer of complexity.
The ongoing emotional effects may include stress, anxiety, and grief, highlighting the importance of understanding and coping strategies to foster family well-being. With appropriate guidance, families can learn to navigate these challenges, ensuring that each member feels valued and supported despite the difficulties posed by autism.
Why Is Change So Hard For Autistic People?
Changes and feelings of uncertainty can significantly heighten anxiety for autistic individuals, especially due to sensory sensitivities and the unpredictability of new situations. This anxiety can hinder their ability to cope with changes. Autism, a neurological condition, affects how individuals interact with their environment, making the adaptation to new contexts particularly challenging. Autistic people may struggle with communication, experiencing meltdowns characterized by tears and panic when confronted with change. Sensory overload is common, and many autistic individuals are often vulnerable to exploitation. Thus, treatments should prioritize teaching assertiveness and recognizing red flags in relationships.
Autistic individuals frequently experience heightened stress during transitions, especially in the workplace, where changes may occur abruptly and unexpectedly. While the discomfort with change is pervasive among autistic individuals, preparation can aid in coping. These difficulties, linked to a general sensitivity and a preference for structure, can be especially pronounced in uncertain situations.
Despite societal stereotypes suggesting that autistic individuals lack a desire for social connection, many face significant loneliness. Educators and professionals need to grasp these invisible struggles to provide effective support. Ultimately, understanding the challenges posed by change is crucial for fostering better coping mechanisms and promoting healthier interactions for those on the autism spectrum.
What Is The Average Lifespan Of A Person With Autism?
Individuals with Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) tend to experience health complications that lead to a significantly reduced life expectancy, typically 15 to 20 years shorter than that of the general population. Longitudinal studies spanning over 20 years have shown that the average life expectancy for those with autism ranges between 39 and 58 years, with individuals suffering from severe forms of the condition experiencing even shorter lifespans. For example, adults with ASD and learning disabilities may die almost 30 years earlier than neurotypical individuals, with average ages at death around 39. 5 years.
A 2016 study in Autism Research reported an average life expectancy of 54 years for individuals with autism, starkly contrasted with the general population's average of 70 years. A review of data involving over 27, 000 autistic individuals identified heart disease and suicide as leading causes of death, underlining the health risks prevalent in this demographic.
While the life expectancy for those without learning disabilities is higher—around 58 years—research illustrates a persistent trend of lower life expectancies overall. As of 2022, the global average life expectancy stands at about 72 years, emphasizing the significant gap faced by the autistic community, which continues to draw attention for the necessity of healthcare improvements and focused support systems.
How Do You Get Closer To Someone With Autism?
Building relationships and rapport with autistic individuals involves understanding and empathy. Start by learning about their interests and finding common ground. Many autistic people express their passions at length, requiring gentle prompting or redirection. Engaging them by asking about their favorite topics can initiate meaningful conversations, though sustaining a dialogue may need patience as processing language can take time.
Support should include educating yourself about autism, fostering a structured environment, and accepting their unique way of thinking. Building connections entails being an understanding friend, providing practical help in managing stress, and enhancing communication skills. Remember, each autistic person is different, so tailor your approach accordingly.
When interacting, address them as you would any adult, avoid overly familiar language, and be clear and concise. Give them time to respond and offer meaningful feedback. Encouragement and compassion are key to bridging communication gaps. Social isolation can be a risk for those with autism, and fostering friendships can significantly enhance their quality of life. Emphasizing strengths and focusing on appropriate social inclusion is essential in creating fulfilling and long-lasting relationships.
Should I Compare My Autistic Family Member To Others?
Avoid comparing your Autistic family member with others, including other Autistic individuals. This approach fosters a non-judgmental environment where you can appreciate their unique strengths and characteristics. It's crucial to understand their interests, personality, and support their individual journey. As Melanie Musson notes, comparison is natural, yet learning to embrace uniqueness, especially concerning disabilities, requires effort. Disclosing autism is a personal choice, and seeking guidance on how to explain autism to friends and family can help them become supportive allies following an autism diagnosis.
Utilize visual aids, such as videos and infographics, to convey information effectively. Family dynamics may reveal similar traits, prompting the need for open discussions. Understanding external responses to autism—from schools to broader societal attitudes—can inform family members' perspectives. Research indicates that siblings of autistic children often experience different dynamics compared to those with non-disabled peers. Embracing differences enriches family interactions, highlighting that each child's experience is valid.
Concerns about autism in extended family members warrant thorough exploration of traits, as familial patterns may emerge. It is essential to avoid negative comparisons, as this can erode self-esteem. Navigating discussions about autism can be complex due to generational differences, stigma, and a lack of understanding of the condition. Resources are available to facilitate supportive family relationships and empower all members in their understanding and acceptance of autism.
Why Do Some Family Members Not Accept Autism?
Some family members may struggle with accepting autism due to a lack of understanding, ignorance, or fear of stigma. They may not yet recognize a child’s autism diagnosis, but this doesn’t mean they will always be resistant. As a parent, it’s common to go through stages of understanding and grief, and you can facilitate communication between your child's treatment providers and your family to enhance their understanding. Resistance might stem from misconceptions about autism or fear of labeling, leading them to push aside the diagnosis.
Family members can experience a range of emotions, including confusion and worry, and some may fear that the diagnosis negatively reflects on them or their parenting. On the other hand, some parents may find interactions with their autistic child difficult, which is not necessarily their fault. It's essential to clarify that autism can manifest in various ways and even highly intelligent individuals can benefit from support services. Disclosing an autism diagnosis is a personal choice that can foster understanding.
Unfortunately, some family members may still be in denial, which can hinder acceptance and support. By offering education and resources, families can take initial steps toward understanding and supporting their autistic members, navigating through their emotions with love and hope.
Is It Likely For Other Siblings To Have An Autistic Child If One Sibling Has Autism?
Sibling rivalry is a common aspect of family dynamics that can be both beneficial and detrimental. While it can motivate children, excessive competition may negatively impact their self-esteem and familial relationships. In the context of autism spectrum disorder (ASD), the genetic inheritance of autism is important. Studies indicate that children with a sibling diagnosed with ASD have a significantly higher risk of developing the condition themselves.
Children whose fathers have siblings with ASD are twice as likely to be diagnosed as those in the general population, while siblings of autistic individuals have a 20% chance of being autistic, which is about seven times greater than those without autistic siblings.
Moreover, the likelihood increases with each additional sibling diagnosed with autism; over one-third (36%) of children with multiple older siblings with autism will develop the disorder. The sex of the child also plays a role, with girls who have an older sister with autism being more likely to be affected than those with a brother. Twin studies suggest that shared prenatal environments may contribute to these similarities. Overall, the risk of autism can be significantly heightened in families with a history of the disorder, emphasizing the role of genetics and familial dynamics in autism prevalence.
What Are The Most Common Obsessions In Autism?
Many autistic individuals exhibit intense interests from a young age, which may evolve over time or persist throughout life. Typical obsessions include a variety of topics such as art, music, animals, transportation, or even specific characters like those from popular children's media. Autism is characterized by communication, social interaction challenges, and repetitive behaviors. Deep interests in subjects like dinosaurs, weather, or technology are common and can provide a sense of structure and predictability to those with autism.
Fascinations may range from memorizing facts about specific topics to collecting items like stamps or rocks. Repetitive behaviors such as hand-flapping or rocking are also frequent. These intense fixations serve as coping mechanisms for many autistic individuals, helping them navigate a world that may often feel chaotic. Specialized interests can bring enjoyment and serve as a foundation for daily activities. Common obsessions often include technology, transportation, and certain media.
While these interests vary greatly, they each play a significant role in the lives of individuals with autism, providing joy and a means to understand their surroundings better. Understanding these obsessions is crucial for supporting autistic individuals in their daily lives.
📹 Why Dysfunctional Families Do Not Change
Hello. Thanks for checking out my YouTube channel. In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, …
The example that I use is “imagine that you have to give a lecture in another language”. It’s not something that you can’t do, but you must be very focused, because you’re trying to express yourself in another language when a lot of people are focused on you. It is emotionally tiresome, because you are afraid of failing and it is mentally exhausting, because you must work much harder than normally to translate what you´re thinking. It is not like you don’t want to establish relationships, but sometimes it’s too laborious and you start to question if it really worth it.
When I lived with my parents, they would often invite all their friends to our house and every single time this happened I would leave the house half an hour earlier and stay outside alone for the rest of the day, getting some cheap food somewhere near and doing nothing until I knew that everyone would have left and I could return safely (once I had to wait until 1am, perusal from the distance to make sure all cars were gone from the front of our house). My parents would get so mad at me when I did this because in their eyes it took zero effort to just say hi to everybody for 2 minutes and then go back to my room. Unfortunately, that little interaction and the questions the guests used to ask me made me so utterly uncomfortable I’d rather waste half a day than suffer for 2 minutes. That’s how bad it felt.
Thank you for mentioning how difficult ‘simple’ and every-day tasks are like getting out of bed, getting dressed. I don’t think alot of people fully comprehend how mentally difficult and therefore physically difficult doing these things are for some of us, and then we have to do them one after the other in a short space of time. incredibly debilitating and overwhelming before you even add on leaving your room/house and then social interaction.
I am a self diagnosed high functioning autistic woman. I can usually mask, pretend to be super social and at times I can be the life of the party. But every time, I need so much rest and alone time. I wish I could turn it off but it’s automatically switched on as soon as I see another human being I know. Or at times, I get super overwhelmed and become socialy akward and can’t seem to read the room. Regardless, I’m usually trying to find the perfect time to leave.
I am 31 and was only recently diagnosed as asperges autistic. No wonder every day going to work was a living hell, I thought it was just me and no one else felt like I did… then the evenings, replay every interaction over and over and over… if I hadn’t found meditation years ago, I would have entirely lost my mind.
As for daily socializing, sometimes you dread saying hello because the other person might want to be your friend and now you have to talk to them or things get weird. I’ve learned to be cognizant of my interactions with some people so they don’t latch on. And I’m also working on my exit strategy when I do get roped into conversations.
I’m only finding out these days that I am an adult Aspie. Now I know why I said to my husband very early in our marriage, “if you greet me with a cheerful ‘Good Morning’ before 10 am, I’m going to get divorced on the grounds of emotional abuse.” And my favourite way of socializing is playing in an orchestra. We don’t talk at all. Heaven!
I can do chit chat for about 10 seconds. Then it’s just agony and I’m responding as best I can while my whole inner being is screaming ” make it stop!” But if I meet someone who talks about astrophysics or neuroscience or mycology, I’m riveted and can talk and listen for a long time. Going to a meeting or talk is also nearly impossible because so much of the time is spent in prefacing and repeating. I have to sit in the back so I can walk out quietly.
interesting timing for this article. I have been a network infrastructure project manager for 26 years…I didnt learn i was an aspie until age 45 (Im in my 50’s now), so its funny I naturally chose a career path where I get to establish the rigor, processes and communications. That being said, I work with random executives, who all tend to be alpha personalities. I am not an alpha, Im just an efficient cat herder of engineers. Monday I was in a meeting, acting as scribe and capturing all the minutes and action items, but the sound of my typing annoyed a leader who snapped at me and told me to stop typing and just listen and absorb what he was saying, insinuating I wasn’t listening. What he actually did was shut my brain off, and the rest of my day was shot. Yesterday in a large team meeting he apologized to me for acting in such a way, so I felt I could trust him. I had a 1:1 conversation with him in private where I was honest with him, explained I was an aspie and that because my brain is always running on several threads, the only way i can “hear and absorb” is to capture the entire conversation in context and then pare it down to bullets for public consumption…that he took away my coping mechanism. It was a really good conversation, and he appreciated me telling him this, so now that I know he knows, I have less anxiety about him in meetings. This doesnt work for everybody – so make sure you trust the person. Sorry for the book. I enjoy your articles. cheers
Having autism is so much pain for me. If only I could explain myself better, but in stressful situations I just can’t. Explaining and articulating also always was a serious weekness for me. Well I learned so much when it comes to these things, but the older I get, the harder the social language gets. Now I’m 22 and adults just have these high social expectiations, which are standart for them..
I was always fine interacting with actual friends in college, but generally hated talking to people I just knew. Passing someone and having to make small talk… I started finding routes to buildings which would minimize chances of interacting. Honestly though, I do not think Aspies are completely alone on this. I know for a fact one of my room mates, who was way more sociable than myself, would take “back routes” as well just to avoid the small talk. Probably does not affect him as intensely, but he definitely wasn’t a fan of it.
One of the ways that I have begun proactively taking care of myself and respecting my own limitations is by letting people know in advance that I may be leaving the party (or prayer group or Bible study) after an hour because that’s as much as I can handle. I used to push push push and feel terribly guilty that I couldn’t hang like others could. Now that I am much kinder to myself I find that I have more to give and am more fruitful.
I completely agree. Every single time I have tried I usually say some thing that makes people uncomfortable and then they think I’m weird and don’t wanna relationship with me or are mad at me for the rest of the day. I prefer just not talking at all that makes things easier that way. I really wish I didn’t feel this way but genuinely, it gets very frustrating when everyone points out your flaws constantly.
As an “NT” who also has a rare connective tissue disorder called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, and an 8 year old son with the same condition as well as being on the spectrum- I can relate with so much as its been my experience, as well as many others with invisible illness. We use something called “spoon theory”. You have so many spoons in any given day and for those that aren’t dealing with an invisible illness let’s say brushing your teeth, or taking a shower may only use 1 spoon but it could use 5 of yours. It’s a way of relating how much energy you have in any given day. I often save my spoons and plan all of my errands and shopping for 1 day, and then spend the next 2 in bed. If I’m running low I can tell my husband or son, I’m almost out of spoons and vice versa so we all try to be compassionate to one another. We never plan a day out back to back and do our best to manage our energy effectively. It honestly breaks my heart to read the traumatic experiences that you’ve had in dealing with society/ the matrix. When I was first diagnosed it was well before social media and support groups. I would go to the doctor and be told. “Oh yes, I saw someone like you in a textbook in medical school”. I felt like an oddity and a freak and was treated like such by not only the medical community but mainstream society. It was more than a decade later after spending that time completely housebound and isolated that I had my spiritual awakening. I came to understand that many of us experiencing these lifetimes are actually quite gifted as empaths with extra sensory perception.
Maybe we should all wear little placards around our necks like traffic signals to let others know what we are feeling. One side can read DO NOT DISTURB, or INTROVERT AT WORK. The other side can read YES, I CAN BE AN EXTROVERT FOR A WHILE. Excellent article. I do find myself wanting to avoid many social interactions as well sometimes. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
I just wrote this exactly as a reply to a comment but I think it could be helpful to a lot of us to remember: It is a NT assumption that everyone must be social. If you have any connection to other humans, no matter how inconsistent or superficial then you are participating in the world, don’t let NT expectations be your standard if it does not suit. You are probably the most rad person you know anyway, enjoy hanging out with the awesome person that you are 💛
Something I do if I’m walking down the road and I see someone I know in the distance is to fasten my pace so that I pass by them (if they’re standing at the bus stop, for instance) and give a quick hello and cheery wave as I go by. If they’re walking ahead I just slow right down so that I don’t catch them up and keep my eyes down or looking at the gardens so there’s no eye contact if they happen to look around, lol. Or even duck down a side street. Otherwise, if I’m really exhausted, or burnt out, I can’t go out anyway as I don’t drive and it entails walking everywhere or catching a bus. And I never answer the phone when I’m like that either…or sometimes when I’m not, as I hate using the phone! 😀
I have this problem at work… I’m kinda forced to interact. It’s okay at first, but after the first two hours, I’m already drained. I feel eyes on me 24/7 (of which I’m hyperconscious of), and I’m constantly aware of my RBF and the fact that I’m being semi-dismissive with people. I get this urge to stim to calm myself down, and I’m literally fighting myself just to try to act normal. Worst of all, my convos are short because it’s hard to find a good common topic with other people without coming across as too strange and freaking them out. It’s hell…
Thank you for this. I have a good example from my life and not having the energy to talk, but having to. Every four weeks I have to go into hospital for an infusion with the medicine for my MS. I literally have to, or basically my life could be challenged. I then have to be in a room full of people, all talking, sick with MS which scares me so much cause I see my future, I always think, and for whom I feel so bad; and that, for two hours. People try to talk to me. Nurses also come and talk to me, about my health, and do small talk, and sometimes even to try to do spontaneous tests. It really is hell for me. Sometimes there is space in a separate room, but I never know when that will be and when I have to be in the big room. Well, last wednesday, I did not have the energy when I came in; because different really emotional things had already happened that morning (almost car accident cause partner got really sick; a doctor who was rude to me, etc.). And I simply was stuck. Could not talk to the nurses, but simply had to, abut my body and health; so I was not friendly, at all. But told her I had a bad day. She did not understand and kept talking. Well…back in the car with my partner, had a big meltdown. Which could be expected, but was terrible for both of us. And we are both recovering, I think. I apologize for this long story, but I really needed to share this. 🙁
Ive learned that i really enjoy and get a lot of connection from just being around small groups of people, even if im not doing much talking. I only feel stress and drained when im pushed or “encouraged” to talk. At this point, my family has accepted that I will talk and engage on my own time and with topic I’m interested in!
I’m in my 20s, and today I was telling my mom about how draining it is talking to people, and explaining basically what you said. She very calmly, and matter-of-factly, tells me it’s because I’m borderline autistic. I’m a female, and apparently borderline autism can resemble adhd in females at a young age? So my whole family has known this whole time, but I had no idea. Why did I not realize? And I can only imagine how difficult it must be to not just be borderline. Only reason I even found this article, was because I wanted to see if it explained how I felt better than I could. It did so thank you.
Wow, that person taking a taxi in order to avoid speaking to a ticket seller is so like me! How many times I’ve chosen the postal machine option to just avoid contact with a mailman, or catering option to avoid going to a grocery store… And how many times was I deeply ashamed of myself later because of that. Idk if you made an episode about Aspies being bullied in their own families when they were children, pushed by their parents to be ‘normal’ at any cost, without any kind support from them, and how it affects our adult lives (constantly feeling ashamed, inadequate, weird, not enough for society, not deserving anything good from life). Thank you for your articles and your website, it’s so eye-opening for a late-diagnosed Aspie like me. Please keep on publishing.
Now that I’m older, I’ve gotten better at controlling what my friends thought was me just being temperamental, and I can “fake it” for an entire evening, but it comes at a cost of a couple days of mental preparation, and a couple of days to recharge afterwards. I am lucky enough to have a high intellect, so many of my friends saw me as the guy to go ask for help on various topics, and that became the focus. That added to the stress, but since I like talking about topics I’m interested in, I managed. Most of them just think I’m different, and have no idea that I’m on the spectrum. I run a “Geek Group” so it’s easy to blend into that culture. Except that we have physical gatherings throughout the year, and while I really like my friends in the group, it’s a big strain on me to attend these events. For anyone that might experience meltdowns or times when others think you’re just being grumpy, be patient with yourself. Learning to change your automatic responses can help tremendously. I used to have a preprogrammed responses to day to day events as they happened, and much of the time they weren’t fair responses. They were easier to use than systematically deciding what I thought or felt in each moment, but it added undue stress to myself and others around me. Over time I have learned to be far more stable, and able to cope, but it still drains me a lot. It took until my mid thirties (2 years ago) until I understood what was happening with me, and now I have very few bad days or interactions.
This is my world. Great advice. At least I now understand the things I do or rather the things I should but don’t do, much better. I definitely need my space after an intense period of interactions… It’s not just that I’m a grumpy and intolerant old bugger… It’s that I fail to deliver these seemingly unnecessary little social responses into my interactions ….
Some of these dynamics are so complicated. I deal with it now, with my closest friend’s (unaware of my recently diagnosed Autism). I end up keeping everyone at a range where I’m gone to often to miss, in turn I have accept the solidarity as a result not as the goal. The diagnosis is new, the knowledge of how these things are occurring is new, but the experiences are not. And unfortunately I’m not competent enough to explain how these things work given ample time, let alone while experiencing them directly. Masterful explanation, these are helping to build a skeleton of a future dialogue I hope to be able to hold with some dignity one day.
When I need to make a call, I go through all she stages of grief before that, and sometimes a migraine after. What helps me is: *stimming, doodling, humming quietly *taking a breath and focusing on the moment, on what’s happening in my body right now, instead of getting caught in the story about how frustrated I am *promising myself that we’ll get through it and do something satisfying afterwards
There is an even more painful situation, where your “friends” KNOW (because you talked about it several times before and they’ve known you for years) that if they invite you to a very social event where you don’t know anyone, in a place you don’t know, not knowing how you’ll go back home or where you’ll sleep, then you’ll be so stressed out you won’t have any pleasure coming to their event and will just stand there and hurt while they talk to their “normal” friends and family.
Perfect example of this: Donkey’s years ago in my late teen/early 20’s learning how to socialise and go on nights out drinking and trying to be “normal”, was actually quite harrowing dealing with the after effects. No, it wasn’t down simply a hangover – it was down to using massive amounts of psychological energy to socialise. I’d go out on a Friday and/or Saturday in pubs and nightclubs and get blind drunk, like anybody else. However, it would literally take me until Wednesday to recharge – and obviously due to work commitments one couldn’t simply stay off for a couple of days because “Urgh, people”; so I’d go to work and just do work related stuff, and simply barely communicate at all. Then you find yourself getting hauled into the manager’s office because “What’s your problem? What’s with your attitude?”, and you’re like “Why are you hauling me in over not speaking to people, I’m doing my job perfectly fine? No?”. There was only the supervisor who just thought “Oh, Mark stuff – it’s how he operates. Whatever, I’m here for when you snap out of it” who didn’t subject me to a pointless Spanish Inquisition that wasted mine, and their time.
This is SO relevant to my life. An example that keeps coming up is this: whenever I run out of a food item, I ride around to my parents place to see if they’ve some that I can borrow (they’re very understanding and generous). However, the problem comes in if I realize late one night that I don’t have any bread, butter etc. for tomorrow’s breakfast, which means that me, being a fussy eater, will have to ride around there first thing in the morning to grab some. Because I know there’s a slight chance my Dad will be there and will comment on the weather or some other such thing, I can barely bring myself to do it. It just feels forced and insincere at that hour of the morning.
I was finally diagnosed with high functioning autism at 57 years old, I was previously misdiagnosed in my early 40s with certain types of mental illnesses that do not match my symtoms until my grandson was diagnosed recently with autism and once I realized that it could be hereditary, I did numerous autistic tests online, then Autism B.C. ( Canada) assessed me over the phone for an hour and confirmed this to be accurate. I love your articles, now everything about my life makes sense and I’ve always liked who I am but I cannot stand idle chitchat but do truly love an intellectual good conversation based on a topic that I enjoy immensely!!
I have a few theories about my constant exhaustion. One is that I’m 35 and approaching middle age. One is my high metabolism not letting me store fat. But the main reason is related to this article: It is so much more of an effort for me as an autistic to be a normal, responsible, social adult. To live up to NT standards. Fighting against executive dysfunction and being socially inept. Even the level of inhibition it takes to hold back impulses to say or do random things (little things like a sound, or a stim) It is extremely exhausting to appear NT so I can keep friends and family close and get practice.
I’ve just started perusal all your articles as i’ve self discovered recently. I still say you’re a godsend. You’ve made so much sense of why i have been the way i am for the 36 years i’ve been on this planet. I cannot thank you enough for this enlightenment. Everything you say i relate to in one form or another. Its very apparent to me i have this without a shadow of a doubt now.
Hi, late to the party on this thread but here are my experiences / thoughts. Going to work I don’t want any interaction. If I see someone I know on the same train or in the street I’ll pretend not to have seen them to avoid the pain of responding to ‘Hi how are you, how was the weekend’ etc. I know it is pleasantries and the social norm, and I know they don’t really want to know how I am or what I’ve been up to but at that time of day I’m not geared up properly. Also, office socials are something I endured as far as possible when younger aided by alcohol (obviously) but nowadays I think ‘Why bother, I won’t be missed if I’m not there?’ and the get ahead and make contacts boat sailed long ago leaving me on the jetty. I have luckily survived to near retirement and now I’d rather be at home than trying to engage in conversations (and a lot of people) that I have absolutely no interest in or just feel totally awkward with. I really do feel like a stranded alien trying to fit in. Like a lot of other with late diagnosis, I found out I’m on the spectrum at 59 having helped my son struggle with his condition and thinking ‘This looks and feels very familiar’. The hard thing is that having a late diagnosis means little or no help. It’s as if the thought from the medical / psychology side is, ‘You’ve come this far, you have a job and your married with kids, you’re doing ok, why do you need help?’ I can only tell you that for me it’s hard because I don’t just have to think about me. I cannot be totally selfish with my time.
Navigating the world of social interactions can be a real tug-of-war between desire and frustration. Right? On one hand, there’s a yearning for vibrant connections—those moments filled with laughter, genuine exchanges, and a sense of friendship and belonging. Yet, more often than not, these interactions feel superficial, riddled with misunderstandings and the weight of unspoken expectations. Does it make sense to anyone of you? There’s a part of me that really craves the energy and vibrancy of good conversations, where ideas bounce around and laughter is abundant. But then, I often find myself frustrated when these moments turn out to be shallow. So many interactions seem to skim the surface, filled with misunderstandings and missed cues, leaving me feeling more isolated than before. I think It’s that bittersweet feeling of wanting to connect deeply while being met with small talk that feels like an endless loop, leaving me drained instead of uplifted. I miss the richness of conversation where vulnerability is welcomed, but instead, I find myself in situations where people skim the surface, barely scratching the depths of what could be meaningful. This conflict becomes a cycle: the more I crave authenticity, the more disheartened I feel when faced with the reality of fleeting, hollow exchanges. I hold onto hope, though, believing that somewhere in this mix of social chaos, there’s potential for deeper connections, if only we could break through the barriers of misunderstanding.
For me, I’ve come up with code phrases between me and close ones like “I’ve run out of spoons” which means I don’t have anymore energy to talk – and they completely understand. But in other cases, especially if it’s a complete stranger – I tend to lie and say something like “Please don’t talk to me right now, I have a headache” and that’s enough of a repellant.
im so relieved to hear the intro to this article. i have quit my gym membership because they had a ‘motivator’ who kept checking in with you during your workout sessions. i found that so irritating, i eventually dreaded it more than the workout itself. but noone else seemed bothered which left me even more puzzled to why i cant be ‘normal’
you explained all perfect ! just wish l was that good,l struggle mostly at work l have to deal with potential clients l’m self-employed, and even though l don’t earn a great deal of money l need an accountant which makes my earnings even less.l could never work for a company l tried in the past its to much demands and control over me l always end up needing days off to recover. thanks paul. Steve UK
I just discovered your website. As an adult diagnosed with AS, I’ve found the articles very helpful and informative. Thank you. I thought I was the only person that SO dreaded interacting with others during routine daily activities. I’ll wait in a long line at the self service check-out at the grocery store just so I don’t have to engage with a chatty cashier or another customer in line. I also spend time thinking about what I am going to say and reply to a conversation (either in person or over the phone) that hasn’t even taken place. It can be quite draining trying to anticipate social transactional signals, body language cues, and spoken inflection and tone in an effort to decipher the appropriate message being sent and giving an acceptable reply. Even the simplest tasks can leave me feeing drained when those unavoidable interactions occur.
If I had to give one advise, it’s to practice a small, non-committal smile. It’s socially acceptable, and people won’t ask “are you okay? You looked sad/angry.” It also prevents other people from getting hurt by your perceived rejection. Remember that the person you don’t respond to can be suffering from low-self esteem, anxiety, or struggling with a traumatic event.
I work 48 hour shifts with up to 7 other people. If one of them is extroverted it’s literally like running a gauntlet but if everyone is extroverted I’ll burn out immediately and sometimes not recover for weeks. Or worst case scenario, months. I’m perusal this after a shift and I’m in bed for the night (it’s 4:30 pm) with the cat and some knitting. Thank you very much, I feel much much less alone knowing I’m not the only one. ❤️
I have NCA. Very rare and similar to autism. Please don’t beat yourself going off script. I want to encourage you, because it’s VERY good when you go off script! It’s THOSE times that your re-living the events.. instead of ‘explaining’ them. I’m sitting here thinking, YES! You mentioned ‘phone calls’. I’d call my mom to check on her.. she’d say, Hello? ‘Hi mom, how are you. I’m alright. “Good.. OK, gotta go!” Unlike today, I had nothing to compare it to.. so, although I tried to explain it, it was always, “You don’t look sick”. Anyway, thanks!
i burn out all the time, over and over to the point of psychotic breaks and hospitalizations because of this forced socialization especially in work. i feel so little interest in socializing purely because i KNOW there is no reward or benefit. and yet when i’m greeted with a simple “hello” like you said, im conditioned to be so over-exuberant and bubbly. i don’t enjoy it, it is sincere in the sense that i’m friendly towards people, but i do not want to over-exert to every single person. i don’t want to push myself to submit to others by closing my eyes when i smile or greet them. i feel like having to socialize is what sets me apart from humanity. i do not want to be a part of it. i get lonely, but it’s better in my mind than being ridiculed or isolated because i “weird them out” just because i don’t understand any of their confusing social cues
If someone said to me, “I don’t want to talk to you”. I would be so heartbroken. I would assume it was forever, and because they didn’t like me, or I had done something wrong so they were mad at me, and then I would want to know why, so I’d talk to them more to try and fix the problem which wouldn’t help if there was no problem between the 2 of us. So, if you must block people from talking to you because you need non-talking time, than say that. Or say, “I need time to think or recharge”. If it’s too early in the morning, say “my brain isn’t awake yet, so I can’t talk now”. Basically, make sure the person knows your need to not talk is because of you, not because of the person who wants to talk with you or you will hurt their feelings, and hurt the relationship.
I had a job and there was a security guard who always said Hello to me when I came in. He thought he was being friendly, he had no idea how much dread and anxiety he was causing me. I had to face him ever morning, and at lunchtime, I would prepare a lunch at home if I had time to avoid him but I didn’t always. I used to look with jealousy at all the other people walking past unnoticed, sometimes I would try to get in behind someone to avoid him. At another job there was a Big Issue seller I had to walk past to get into work, for a few months I managed to get past him without any interaction, but somehow he noticed me and clicked that I was avoiding any interaction, from then I got abuse every time I passed him. At the supermarket I use the self-checkouts to avoid having to stand and watch the checkout assistant doing it for me, I guess they get a bit bored sitting there all day, because they always want a word. Now they’ve got to know me too and sometimes I can hear them making comments or one of them will say very loudly, this checkout is free. Which of course all adds to the stress and anxiety. Sometimes I tell people I’m on the spectrum, but even then the don’t really understand and they usually just forget or go back to judging you as they were before.
Socializing for everyone can be difficult, but also for everyone, practicing makes you better at it. Life is full of challenges, you don’t need to go all out, you can do it little by little join a church group, book club, whatever seems interesting to you. I use to be a programmer, a highly isolated job, it made me nearly antisocial, once I realized it, I started forcing myself out of my shell, very hard but life is about struggle, you can give up when you “kick the bucket” not sooner.
I think I would have multiple examples for such kind of situations, lol. But the most present is my current work situation. I’ve been working in a relatively small space with many people in some kind of sheltered workshop (for ergotherapeutic reasons), hence lots of noises and social interactions. Although I’m absolutely unchallenged with the type of work I’ve got to do (yeah, it’s kind of boring…), all the other things like the noises and the social situations are absolutely exhausting to me. I rarely have energy for any activities other than work… Fortunately, I’ve got only one more week and then I can recharge a bit before the next chapter begins in March. So yes, social situations can be very, very exhausting and painfull!
The “most extroverted, outgoing, loud, energetic person” = Annoying, avoid at all costs. LOL All triggers to my senses. My Mom bought me echo buds last year. I told her about them have bose noise cancelling, beside just being earbuds. I just put them in anytime I have to walk anywhere near “people” & especially at work. If only work, would make it illegal to wear perfume/cologne, eating sounds, food smells & using bright lights/colors. It might be a little more tolerable. They pump in “white-noise” thru ceiling speakers all day long…Which is very annoying and does not work for any kind of talking/noise reduction. I don’t even know why they think it could help, with anything. It’s just constant static assaulting my hearing, in addition to all of the talking & eating sounds. Sometimes, I have to use both the echo buds & my over the ear noise cancelling headphones. And, I hate anything in my ears, over my ears/head & not being able to hear what is going on around me
The hard part for me is I want to have conversations with people and I want to feel part of them or part of groups and be happy in the way I see others being in social situations, and lots of the time I can socialize normally, but as it builds and I have to do it often at work it feels less and less enjoyable and more tiring as it builds over time even if it’s not that much, and now these weekend not as much today, but I’ve felt more awkward and quiet then usual even and feel mentally emotionally tired even though ofc I don’t want to be. This article is so nice to have an affirmation that any socializing, let alone the amount I do is draining and it’s ok to ask not to.
When ppl talk to me my head feels like a balloon of anger and I just want to run away but can’t and then the only thing I can hear are my angerd thoughts. I’ve masked my self long enough to catch key words from sentences to respond but most of the time their single word response or have nothing to do with the topic at hand.
When I suspect there might be back and forth interaction for a tricky situation (I.e. related to friendship and I have good evidence that person has character problem, being manipulative, ect,) I just drop it completely. Thinking about the potential back and forth engagement if I point out what happened bothered me makes me stressed out and exhausted
This is absolutely me. And often particularly when I am stressed I don’t want to talk to anyone, especially in the morning. I now understand that not being a morning person is part of me. And I often can’t ‘people’ til after lunch time. Then I feel able to be quite social, I think. I’m not sure I’d describe myself as non verbal in these circumstances but potentially occasionally.
A month ago I was having a people fasting phase and was spending the whole time on my carpet and doing my things. Right now I have a burst of energy and really enjoy people, I enjoy being funny and chatty. But what I dislike still is when some people look at me as a weirdo cause I’m quite queer I guess, and when I am loudly expressing myself all that queerness is exposed. That hurts my pride and I hate that. But I try to figuring out now how to work with that. Cause I don’t want to compromise having fun time over controlling myself so judgy people don’t judge me.
Just stumbled over your website and I’ll check out your other articles. I’m 31 and I’ve wasted all of my life pleasing people even though it hurt. You explained very well this weird tiredness that suddenly kicks in and I’m just like “stop stop stop” everything just hurts and is too much, sounds, light, sensations on my skin like I suddenly notice how scratchy my pants are or something like that and it’s so incredibly hard to gather myself or not to react to everything in an angry way. I told my bosses that I’m autistic and they just roll with it, they simply don’t take it personally when I’m quiet or not responding, they also think that I’m just really concentrated on my work 😂 One of my bosses is pretty fascinated when I watch MIT courses while doing my work, having no filter can be painful when you hear and see everything all at once, but sometimes it’s really practical, I can learn something new about my fav topics while doing my work and keep my eyes on my machine.
“I should . . .” Yeah, that’s one phrase I despise hearing uttered by others who try to ‘help’ me socializing in an acceptable way. I’ve beaten myself for decades with that phrase, still do. Now I’m always stressed, tired, and feeling malcontent for always harrying myself and being harried by others. People seem to be unable to understand, even if I explain it, why I’m socially awkward. Eye contact is difficult, but people tell me I should try this and that and viola one day it’ll be solved. I tried different ways my whole life but it will never happen naturally without a lot of stress and feelings of defeat. At my last job, I managed to create a group of people who deeply hated me because I didn’t always say hello or wave to them or that I didn’t really talk to them but talked to a few others without issues. Although, when I did wave or say hello to them many ignored me. They never really cared to ask why I behaved as I did, so for ten years they had their imagined feud with me whilst I was largely oblivious to it. I knew they didn’t like me but not how deeply they disliked me. At my new job, the boss and some of my coworkers tell me to phone them if there’s something I need help with. This I did do at my old job and I got chewed out for it pretty badly and people at a managerial level wrote me down several times for “being a problem”. They did this despite me being consistently in the right. Of course, being socially awkward and being written up I stopped phoning coworkers, causing other problems.
I could definitely relate to this! I’m not sure if I am an autistic person, but I do know that I have introverted tendencies and feel the most at peace when I am alone. Although I do enjoy company, it really depends on who I spend time with. These last few years, socializing has been more excruciating for me, requiring much more effort and I end up feeling very drained afterwards, especially at work and social events. I cannot stand small talk. Sometimes you can see that the person asking questions obviously does not care to listen, yet they ask away anyway to be polite. (They will even ask you the same questions multiple times.) These conversions feel very meaningless. And yes, I purposely walk the long way around just to get away from certain people and the possibility of running into another small talk encounter. I have discovered that I have a daily gauge of how much social energy I have to spend and with whom. When the meter runs low…I’ll be on my way. But it’s true what you say, some are offended and take this personally. They think I’m a rude, selfish and mean person, when I don’t feel like chatting. But the ones who are closest to me understand this, and know I will return.
Thanks. This has helped – I’m invited out next week on a day I have tiring things to do. I knew I didn’t want to go, but not why. Now I realise I’m just not going to have the energy to do other than sit like a lump in the corner, which will make me feel awful then and after. So I will say thank you, but I won’t have the energy after such a busy day. I wasn’t sure I could say no, but it sounds reasonable now.
Thank you for this article! I don’t think I am on the Autism spectrum, but I can absolutely relate to a lot of your examples. I also feel empty and drained after a long day at work or too early in the morning, which can be super annoying. But I think, for me, the main difference is this: You mentioned something like: “When there’s absolutely no energy left within you, even the most basic of tasks becomes unbearable”. Personally, when I am super exhausted and, against my will, I am still forced to talk to people or interact with colleagues, I am going into some sort of “auto pilot”. I still can be friendly, polite, make smalltalk. But within my head, I am not really paying much attention anymore. You could also compare this to some sort of auxiliary power. I am still awake, the lights are still on. But I am only working on a very limited capacity. It’s usually enough not to get into trouble, but… yeah… it’s super annoying. But it also happens more or less automatically. I’ve listened to quite a few of these articles, explaining the experience of autistic people… and I take it from your explanations and many of the comments that most autistic people struggle from a “lack” of these semi non-conscious systems. Nothing, or very few things, inside of their head just “works without thinking”. Sorry if I am getting this all wrong, or if I am being rude. But that’s just the impression I got.
I’m loving this pandemic and Instacart! so I don’t have to leave the house or interact with people!. That description of taking the cab instead of interacting with the bus ticket salesperson is so many decisions I have made in my life where I just didn’t have the “spoons” to deal with an unfamiliar situation.
This is a very interesting topic for me as a result of how much I have changed since I was a teenager. I’m currently in my late 30s and I’m recently drawn the conclusion that I may be autistic. I feel that as a result of my curiosity and problem-solving abilities I have figured out how to navigate things like the meaningless back and forth of sounds that people do each time they get within a certain radius. As a result I don’t feel particularly put upon if I have to engage in conversation with somebody but it also isn’t particularly rewarding in most cases. A strategy that I have come upon is to create to controlled environments so I have parameters on how to react to a given situation. It has been pretty effective so far considering that I have went from so much anxiety that I couldn’t order a pizza over a phone to a career coach. One common conundrum I have is that I find lying and mistruth to be distasteful but if I actually answer the question of how are you I am inviting a conversation that I don’t want to have so I am encouraged to just say fine and complete the ritual. Sorry for rambling or maybe not because that’s just how I do.
I can totally relate to this. You explained it very well. I don’t think i have autism, but i suffer from severe anxiety. The energy it requites to talk to people in a polite manner and go through all the necessary steps of a quality conversation can be completely draining. It’s good to push ourselves to be more social but we have to take care of our mental health at the same time.
Things that can throw me off in socialization situations, or even shut me down, or force me to immediately leave, are often about the lights and about certain noises. My executive functioning starts shutting down and the more it shuts down the more desperate I’ll be to get away. It can be very disruptive, to me &, in different ways, to the people around me.
I used to work in direct sales. Good money, but I eventually hated my bosses and customers because their was always a damn problem that I had to talk my way out of. I even had to make things up just to get along with certain people that drained my energy. In short, I hate pretending to like everyone.
Was over at my family’s this week. My mom’s husband has hard of hearing after banging on a drum all his life (aka he likes the drums/I have always hated drums), so the tv volume is so loud that it sends me into an instant panic and he is n out understanding :c I feel so hopeful. I have no where to go if my relationship doesn’t work out 🙁
I haven’t been professionally diagnosed but what I’ve learned to do is create scripts. So whenever I have to talk to a cashier or some interaction that I can’t avoid I respond in the same way and ask the same questions every time. It saves my brain from having to create unique responses based off the current conversation and it’s so much easier to handle from a social interaction standpoint.
I can completely relate to this article. Not having energy to socialize and sometimes having it is very difficult in my life. Ride sharing apps are an example of this and are a nightmare for me as every Lyft/Uber driver wants to make small talk. I wish there was a button on the app where you could indicate whether or not you want to talk. It feels just as painful for me to make small talk as the alternative which is sitting there in silence and feeling rude for doing so. The second worst thing is having a 1 on 1 meeting with my boss, I will call in sick or say I have doctors appointments just to avoid those awkward 30 minute moments of energy drain. Pretty much on the same level were group projects in hs/college, I would go home and do all the work myself just so I wouldn’t have to deal with the other people in the group socially.
Thanks for making this article. I’m glad I’m not alone in feeling this way. It’s hard knowing that most people think you’re rude or depressed when really I just find talking incredibly draining. There just seems to be so many complicated rules and possibilities for me to say something wrong and offend someone, that I feel emotionally walloped with every interaction, however slight. It probably seems like such a small thing to most people, just saying hello or having a conversation, that I doubt most people understand, and I presume they just think I’m lazy or a coward or something. But it’s amazing, on reflection, how much of my life has been shaped by this core difficulty socialising with other people. It’s always the priority consideration in all my life decisions, and is thus, why I work a part time min wage cleaning job, cause I can work alone. And it’s why I have never and will never have any romantic relationships and have probably missed out on loads that life has to offer. I always try to be grateful for what I have and to not envy, but sometimes I do feel like I’ve had an added tax to pay all my life.
Annoyingly is phone calls. I placed a DoorDash order through the Wawa app yesterday and it said it would take 35 min to be delivered so I called and canceled the order and re ordered through the DoorDash app. They sent the order I canceled anyway plus my re-order. I wanted to call so bad to complain but my anxiety and fear of not being able to communicate thoroughly made it impossible and I didn’t do it
I hate small interactions. I don’t mind having conversations with people I’m comfortable with. But I have extreme discomfort when ordering food at a restaurant, ordering a drink at a bar, small talk with a stranger, telling a panhandler I don’t have any change, small talk with coworkers,etc… and since I have that discomfort I come off as awkward, weird, mean etc.
Thank you for explaining and bringing awareness to the autism spectrum and how to recognize it and to people who have it. One of our grandsons, who will be four this weekend, has been identified in the spectrum. Mikey is brilliant but socially challenged. Your articles have beautifully explained so my husband and I can understand the way he thinks and operates. Again thank you!
Hi Paul. Thank you,you have made me feel so much better about myself. I reckonise in myself everything you have said,I just thought it was me, I questioned,why am I like this,is it me?. Thankfully my wife and I have been together 48 years and I do still have problems in our relationship, that I cannot explain or seem to change.I would like to change,but I don’t know how. The tiredness you described,would you say people perceived you as being sullen, miserable, antisocial, arrogant?.That’s I feel…
I think being around certain people make the condition so much worst! Recently, I had too much stimulation from bright lights and other. Someone made it worst by thinking I was being rude to them. I explained to them I am having anxiety and it’s not them. The whole vibe was a disgusted feeling. It may have been better losing this person’s friendship, but not that way. I don’t like hurting people that hurt me. I was in shut down for 3 days. I couldn’t workout. I stayed in bed long. The positive side is that I came up with great ideas while trying to get myself out of shutdown. That made me feel better.
I think literally everybody can feel “too tired to socialise” or just not feel like it. It’s just that being autistic makes socialising SO, so draining that we get overwhelmed and exhausted instead of just tired. I think headphones are a great universal tool to communicate “not available for chitchat right now”.
Thanks for this article, I have been really struggling to connect. I moved from a city where I had a lot of like minded friends, back to an island with half of a quarter the population, where I grew up, and this responding issue, has been destroying me. I can’t seem to make friends, im 28, if I warm up to someone I am well spoken, but the majority are A type personalities, I have also had a lot of past abuse trauma and shit. So the gap of relating to people becomes that much more deafening. I basically am alone. Most of my family has moved away, close friends as well, and a few have passed away. I just don’t want to burden people with my issues, but I cannot seem to “human”, at all. I think it’s time for help. The hardest part is when people write you off as weird, and stop making even eye contact with you..without even asking. Yet on the flip side, they are all about those “letstalk” days…it really is disheartening. You feel like your on the moon with a hand radio trying to just..reach anyone, or have someone have the patience to even ask. I know im not alone here. Just know, we aren’t fucked up. Our brains are wired different..coming to terms through life, with that burden, and 0 help mostly…it is torture. If you are lucky to have a tight family and friends, and a supportive community you grew up in, you are very lucky.
After a big social event (going out for dinner or a birthday party), I may need several weeks before I can spend time with friends again. I’ve done two social events this year (wife’s birthday dinner and a Friday night meal at a friends house), and I think I might be ready for a third soon. I try to look people in the eye when talking, but doing so is actually physically painful. I’m almost crying just thinking about it. I tried so hard yesterday to look a client in the eye while talking to her, and I nearly burst out in tears. Luckily I chose instead to look at her chin to finish off the conversation. When I leave a clients house and walk back to the car, it’s like there is this pressure release off my chest and I can calm down. I physically feel pressure leave my chest. It’s no issue while I’m working so long as the client is not near me or in the same room where I’m working. If they are it’s the most indescribable sensation. It feels like your insides are dry and on fire and full of dirt or something like that.
Not sure if I’m NT or not but I find this very relatable. I often avoid interaction with people outside of my close friends because of how draining it is. I’ve had quite a few instances of people thinking I don’t like them when I actually do. Usually this is a result of me not knowing how frequently I need to interact with someone. Lately I’ve been forcing myself to interact more with acquaintances because I don’t want them to feel like they did something wrong but it’s exhausting. I also perpetually feel like I hang out with my close friends for an hour or so too long because I end up crashing when I’m with them.
I sort of learned to rather take the initiative (I’m 62, it took me a long time…), for example, to the receptionist when I come in in the morning, to say “Good morning! How are you today?”, with a smile (smiling helps a lot). As a matter of fact, I realized that not so many people do that, and she appreciates it. So the positive feedback I got just helped me to continue doing it, and made it easier and easier. It’s a hurdle, it’s always been a hurdle, but i did get better over time.
Between being classifiable as an INTx (I put the x there because how I score after the ‘T’ varies depending on my mental state and energy level when I answer the questions, but the INT part is consistent) and being on the spectrum, socializing is very difficult for me. Most of the time, I don’t even want to socialize and would rather be alone. When I am home alone (almost alone because we have a sweet, very old Australian Terrier named Tigger who is usually napping nearby) I also have the house rather quiet with no TV, radio or stereo going. I sometimes turn floor fans on as much to circulate the air as to create white noise that helps drown out noises from outside the apartment. I’ve got headphones for my PC and portable stuff so that I can control the sound from them until it is just right for me. I often turn the TV volume down so that it is just loud enough for others to hear it and I got a sound bar for it so that the sound can come from right underneath the coffee table by the couch and chairs so that people can hear without having to make it loud. When I play article games, I sometimes even turn the sound off. Sometimes, I find that I perform better in the game without sound as long as sound isn’t integral to how you play the game. I have the curtains drawn most of the time, except for the kitchen window so that the houseplants can have some actual sunlight. I have the brightness and backlight on all of my screens (TV, desktop PC, tablet, Nintendo 3DS) turned down as low as I can while still making it bright enough for others to not think they are too dark.
it takes me a lot of energy to communicate with my eyebrows and facial expressions, otherwise I have flat affect, and I try to talk more enthusiastically but my voice is usually monotone even when I think it isn’t. idk if I’m on the spectrum, but a lot of the articles on this website really seem to help me understand social stuff…
I can relate to everything that you said in this article. It really hit it on the nail for me. What usually happens to me socially is the fact that I like to socialize and do things with my close knit of friends but when it comes to socializing with everybody else I most of the time prefer not to do it. By the way all of my knit of friends don’t think I have a disability.
i was homeless again last year and now the council have put me in an HMO (Housing with multiple occupants). It’s a constant nightmare….I now live in a house with 10…yes 10….other men…all of them are ex convicts and have drug/drink issues. They slam doors, shout at each other and leave the place in a mess…and i live with them. I have to interact with them everytime I go to the toilet, go to make a meal and so on. My autism and chronic anxiety have never been so bad…!! This article helped me understand why so thank you…
I’m always either over or under enthusiastic in social situations. I crave a real bond, but never seem to be able to gauge the correct level of interaction with any given person. Due to decades of customer service work in actually pretty good at surface level brief interactions (often still anxiety inducing though), but transitioning into a proper connection almost always fails.
When I was in gradeschool, my mom always woke up in the morning with me. She would turn on the news and talk to me… a lot… One day I told her that I really liked sitting with her in the morning but I didn’t want her to talk to me lmao. I understand this so much more now after going through my own journey of discovery with autism. To this day background news sounds in the morning calm me even though the news itself stresses me if I listen to what they are saying.
I’m on the spectrum, and for me, I like starting conversations with people. What’s difficult for me is moving past what I like to call “the formalities”. Basically things like “Hello”, “how are you” and “how was your day”. After that, I kind of hit a wall and end up just standing there looking awkward while I try to think of other things to say. What doesn’t help is that I tend to move around while I talk, rocking back and forth slightly or moving my hands. All in all, I like conversations when they work, but I’m almost always worried people will judge me because of my social difficulties
My advice is find more people that have similar passions that you have. That’s all you can do in my experience. I’m Hyper focused on weight training, and I have great conversations with those interested in lifting. It could be any hobby/passion. Surround yourself with those people. Also, join a church group. That’s another way to get over social slumps. I find myself uncomfortable in those specific social settings often, but it’s helped me tremendously to properly get me out of my comfort zone.
I’ve tried to explain for YEARS to my mother that I (usually) cannot do social interaction in the morning. I was always brushed aside as being “rude” or something, even when trying trying express myself as clearly and politely as I could. Finally going to my doc to start the screening process. Realized this at 22. It’s like, my life finally makes sense.
This mainly affects me in the work place. I used to work typical 9-5 job and on Monday and Tuesday, I was fine but I’d run out of socializing juice by the end of Tuesday, making Wednesday, Thursday, and friday feel like hell. Luckily I now do article freelance work which is mostly editing alone at home which is amazing.
Hi Paul Love your blog in raising awareness on autism. One question- my son was diagnosed as being on the spectrum at age 3 (he is now 5) and the biggest we have with him is his total lack of interest in interacting with others ESPECIALLY kids his age. In your experience what are some things we can try to get him to interact more? Also, generally speaking is it easier for kids on the spectrum to interact with other kids on the spectrum than neurotypical kids?
my 14 year old son has Aspergers and as a father is very difficult to deal with. I come from a latino culture where if you do the things an aspergers person do it is considered acting up or just plain rude. I’m trying my best to be on his shoes but the hardest of all is the rejection I get MUST of the time. Thank you for posting your articles it has help me a lot.
I’ve done visión quests four times. Sitting alone on a mountain’s slope, no food, no water for four complete days and nights. Then I’ve tried to being part of the supporting camp for people doing the same thing. The former task ended up being much easier than the latter! I’ve ended up crying out of frustration – and this in a group of wonderful, conscious people and really good friends!