When someone comes out to you, it is essential to be the support system your loved ones deserve. There are several signs of a toxic family member, and expert advice on dealing with them is crucial. Some signs include cruelly critical remarks, invalidation of feelings, and wanting you to go along with their actions. It is important to recognize and stop interactions with difficult family members when they are not the first choice.
When a loved one announces their sexual identity, it is important to show them that you can be trusted by respecting how and when they decide to tell you. It is important to let the person know that you still care about them, even if you don’t understand it all straight away. Tell your friend that you still care about them, no matter what. Be the friend you have always been.
The main fear for people coming out is that their friends will try to hurt them. To support family members or loved ones opening up about coming out, lead with love, allow them to speak, learn the terminology, and get support for their journey. Do not make a big deal of it unless they say so. If they want to talk, listen. Don’t gossip but be encouraging. Don’t force them, but love them, support them, and speak up if other family members say derogatory things about them. Let them know you support them and be there for them.
In summary, being a supportive friend and understanding the LGBTQ+ community can help individuals navigate the challenges of coming out to others. By recognizing signs of a toxic family member and providing love and acceptance, you can help them navigate their journey and improve their mental health.
| Article | Description | Site |
|---|---|---|
| What to do when a loved one comes out to you. | Show them that you can be trusted by respecting how and when they decide to tell you. When that moment comes, take what they tell you to heart. | thechristiancloset.com |
| Supporting a Friend Who Has Come Out | It is important to let the person know that you still care about them, even if you don’t understand it all straight away. | young.scot |
| My Loved One Just Came Out to Me, Now What? | How to support family members or loved ones opening up to you about coming out · Lead with love. · Allow them to speak. · Learn the terminology. · Get support for … | thepsychologygroup.com |
📹 Drama-Free Strategies to Keep Family Members From Ruining Your Day
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What To Do When An Estranged Family Member Reaches Out?
To reconnect with an estranged family member, it's crucial to focus on the present and the future, while leaving past grievances behind. Start the dialogue gently and be honest without causing harm. Accept your sibling as they are now, and express your feelings without judgment. Approach the situation with humility, recognizing that rekindling a relationship may take time and multiple attempts. Make self-care a priority as you navigate this complicated emotional journey.
Understanding the reasons behind estrangement is vital for reconciliation, so be prepared to listen and take accountability. Create a safe space for discussing differences and acknowledge each other’s feelings. Using a neutral third party can also facilitate communication. Remember, reconciliation often evolves over time, and both parties need to be open to change. While it is common to hope for an apology, it is advisable to start reaching out without waiting for one.
Identifying toxic dynamics can be helpful, but it’s essential not to dwell on past pain. Instead, focus on how to improve your responses and interactions. Finally, seek support from trusted individuals or groups to help you through the process of reconnecting and healing familial bonds.
Should You Avoid Family Members?
Dealing with toxic family members can be overwhelming, as they often provide harsh criticism that can hurt deeply. While it may be tempting to completely sever ties, finding a way to manage these relationships is essential for your mental health. Look for family members who offer support and unconditional love, prioritizing genuine connections over those that drain you. Recognizing signs of toxicity, such as manipulation, blaming, and persistent negativity, is critical.
It's also vital to acknowledge that family dynamics can complicate the decision to cut ties. Instead of attempting to "fix" a difficult family member, accept them as they are and establish personal boundaries to protect your well-being. Taking time-outs might be necessary to maintain your mental space. Acknowledge that ending contact may be the healthiest option for some, and it doesn't make you a bad person. Logging your feelings before and after interactions with family can help clarify the impact they have on you.
Ultimately, you have the autonomy to decide how much contact feels right and to choose whether or not to maintain family connections. Keep in mind that family can change, and it’s okay to reevaluate these relationships over time as you prioritize your emotional health.
What Is It Called When A Family Member Cuts You Off?
Family estrangement refers to the disconnection between an individual and family members, such as parents or siblings, often due to persistent negativity in their relationships. This phenomenon has gained recognition as a genuine emotional struggle, with at least 27% of the U. S. population identifying as estranged from family. Many resources primarily address the adult's perspective on these estrangements, but they also recognize the complexities involved for parents disconnected from their children.
The decision to sever ties can bring emotional turmoil and confusion, often leading individuals to consider the necessity of enforcing no-contact boundaries. Signs of toxic family dynamics may prompt this drastic step, prompting reflection on the possible benefits of disengagement. Healing practices include seeking support through prayer, modeling healthier behaviors, and evaluating the potential need to distance oneself from those causing distress.
Expert guidance suggests engaging in open, honest conversations when implementing such separation. Family estrangement challenges traditional beliefs about familial bonds, revealing that maintaining mental health sometimes necessitates difficult choices, illustrating the impact of evolving social dynamics on family relationships.
Can You Change A Difficult Family Member?
Dealing with difficult family members can often feel overwhelming and impossible. The more effort one invests in trying to fix a difficult person, the more demands that person tends to place upon them. It’s vital to recognize when conversations shift from seeking solutions to merely aiming to "win" an argument. Difficult individuals exist within families, and their challenging behaviors can strain overall familial relationships. To manage these interactions, it’s crucial to utilize healthy communication and conflict resolution strategies, ensuring that personal needs are prioritized.
Setting boundaries is an essential first step, allowing individuals to take control of their reactions to toxic or disrespectful behavior. Identifying triggers for conflicts can provide insight into improving interactions. Starting conversations during calm moments rather than confrontational ones is also important. Ultimately, recognizing that the only person you can change is yourself can pave the way for healthier family dynamics.
Mourning the fantasy of an ideal relationship and focusing on how you respond are actionable steps. Family dramas are common, but through strategic adaptations in one’s approach, it is possible to navigate the complexities of difficult family relationships more effectively.
How To React When A Family Member Comes Out?
When someone comes out, they typically do so after considerable contemplation, making it crucial for the listener to take this moment seriously and provide genuine support. It’s vital to allow the individual to explore and express their sexual identity without feeling pressured or judged. Each person's journey regarding their transgender, nonbinary, or gender-expansive identity is unique, so responding with empathy and patience is essential.
A supportive response includes acknowledging their trust in you, thanking them for sharing their experience, and reassuring them that your feelings for them remain unchanged. Practical steps to support someone coming out include educating yourself about the LGBTQ+ community, maintaining open lines of communication, and validating their feelings. It’s important to let them set the pace for how they share their identity, respecting their choices regarding confidentiality and timing.
Avoid actions such as interrupting their narrative, dismissing their feelings, or rushing them to conform to societal expectations. Instead, create a safe space for them to express themselves and listen actively without offering unsolicited advice. Celebrate their courage in coming out and reaffirm that they are still the same person, deserving of love and acceptance. Supporting loved ones in their coming-out journey is vital, not only during Pride Month but throughout the year.
What Not To Say When Your Child Comes Out?
When a child comes out, parents should be mindful of their responses, as they can have a lasting impact on the child's feelings and identity. It's crucial to avoid dismissive phrases like "I already knew," "It's just a phase," or "You're too young to understand." Such remarks can invalidate the child’s experience and emotions. Instead, parents should focus on expressing gratitude that their child felt comfortable sharing such a significant part of their identity.
It’s important to listen actively and empathetically to their child's feelings and experiences without immediately shifting the conversation back to themselves or their concerns. Parents might initially feel confused or worried, which is normal, but denial is counterproductive. While every family's experience is unique, support can manifest in various ways, primarily through open communication and validation. Avoid common clichés that can undermine a child’s experience and instead reassure them of their love and support.
The key takeaway is to prioritize the child’s feelings, approach the conversation with an open heart, and understand that navigating coming out can be challenging for both parties. Listening and affirming love are essential steps in providing meaningful support during this pivotal moment.
What To Do If A Family Member Cuts You Out?
When a family member shuts you out, it’s crucial to take steps for your emotional well-being. Start by praying or reflecting on your feelings, as this can provide immense relief. Allow yourself to grieve the loss, write letters that won’t be sent, and talk about your emotions to process the situation effectively. Recognize that some families have patterns of cutting members off, often as a means of protecting oneself from toxicity, especially in cases of abuse, where estrangement may be necessary for mental health.
Accept what you cannot control, and if reconnecting is possible, consider offering second chances carefully. Surround yourself with friends and supportive figures; their empathy can be invaluable. While healing, focus on personal boundaries and possibly seek counseling to navigate your emotions and responses. Estrangement often carries a sense of loss akin to bereavement, so allow yourself time to mourn. Sometimes, cutting toxic ties can lead to peace—understanding that it’s okay to step back, prioritize your mental health, and seek supportive relationships outside of familial obligations.
What To Do If A Friend Comes Out?
Be the supportive friend your loved one needs when they come out. Many fear rejection from friends and family, so it’s crucial to maintain a lighthearted approach, using humor sensitively to ease tension. Ask questions but recognize that your friend may not have all the answers. No two coming out experiences are the same, so it’s essential to respond according to your friend’s emotional needs and your established relationship. Here are key pointers: remember that your friend is still the same person; process your own feelings with someone else; and thank them for their bravery in sharing this part of their life.
Avoid judging or divulging their secret to others, and respect their choice of pronouns. Keep the conversation open by showing support and offering reassurance that their identity matters and is valid. Acknowledge that coming out can be daunting for them, and your acceptance is vital. Maintain focus on their feelings, ensuring they feel seen, heard, and valued. By following these guidelines, you'll foster a nurturing environment while affirming their trust in you as a friend.
How Do You Talk To A Toxic Family Member?
I realize the importance of expressing my feelings about my relationship with my toxic family member. Sharing my emotions and experiences using "I" statements can invite a more constructive dialogue and reduce defensiveness. I acknowledge that family knows me well and can make critical remarks that sometimes hurt deeply. Creating boundaries is essential for my well-being, even if it’s challenging. I find that spending too much time with toxic relatives drains my energy and increases my stress.
I’ve learned that I can limit my exposure to them for my mental health. Growing up with a toxic parent has shaped who I am, often making me more protective of my son. I want to offer him the nurturing childhood I didn’t have. I understand that not all family dynamics are positive, and recognizing toxic patterns is crucial. To manage these relationships, I intend to set clear boundaries, focus on my feelings without trying to change them, and limit interactions when necessary.
Seeking support from friends, therapists, or helplines can provide me with the needed guidance. I also understand the value of disengaging during conflicts. Remaining calm and distance can prevent escalation and provide clarity. Ultimately, putting myself first and maintaining boundaries is vital for my happiness and health.
What To Do When Family Falls Out?
To heal a familial rift, it is crucial first to acknowledge your own role in the estrangement. Avoid expecting the other party to share your perspective or to apologize; such expectations may only lead to further disappointment. Family fallouts often stem from various factors, with the holiday season being a common catalyst. Acknowledging the pain of rejection from loved ones is essential, as it can lead to profound heartbreak. Supporting someone through this process involves actively listening and providing reassurance during their time of need.
Reconnection is often desired, especially among parents and children. When managing conflicts, strive to maintain open communication, and consider seeking outside support, whether through therapy, journal writing, or spiritual practices. Encouragingly, small acts of kindness can help relieve family stress, fostering a more positive atmosphere. Ultimately, it’s vital to balance the need for boundaries with the hope for reconciliation, recognizing when it may be necessary to distance oneself from toxic relatives. Understanding that family relationships can be complicated can help navigate these difficult situations and lay a foundation for potential healing and reconnection.
How To Support A Family Member Coming Out?
When a loved one comes out, the primary step is to listen actively. This shows you value the relationship and supports their courage in sharing. Be patient and open-minded, understanding the complexities of gender and sexuality. Recognize that your feelings toward them shouldn’t change based on their orientation; reflect on your pre-existing bond. Educating yourself about the LGBTQ+ community enhances your empathy and understanding.
Create a safe space free from judgment, where they feel comfortable to express themselves. Regular check-ins can help them feel less isolated. When they come out, respond with love, allowing them to share at their own pace without pressure. Engage in open dialogue by asking respectful questions to deepen your understanding.
Support them by acknowledging their feelings and thanking them for their trust. Respect their confidentiality, and refrain from attempting to change their identity or make judgments. It’s crucial to be aware of any biases and maintain an attitude of acceptance. Overall, show them that they are still the same person and assure them of your love and support throughout their journey. Being a supportive ally means listening, validating their experiences, and respecting their choices.
What Does LGBTQIA2S+ Mean?
The GSCC primarily uses the acronym "LGBTQIA2S+," which stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning, intersex, asexual or agender, and two-spirit, with the plus-sign representing additional identities. Understanding LGBTQIA2S+ involves recognizing different sexual orientations and gender identities, as well as the importance of using correct gender pronouns. The acronym reflects a movement that gained momentum following the Stonewall riots, which were pivotal in the fight for LGBTQIA2S+ rights.
Each letter in the acronym denotes distinct identities: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual, and Two-Spirit. The term "Two-Spirit" specifically references Indigenous cultural understandings of gender diversity. The community is ever-evolving, with terms like SOGIE (Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity, and Expression) aiding in the organization of this diversity. Learning about these identities fosters respect and inclusivity, and exploring the variations in meanings helps individuals understand the spectrum of gender expression and sexual orientation.
In Canada, the acronym 2SLGBTQI+ is used, highlighting the diversity within the community. Overall, understanding these identities promotes inclusivity and respect for every individual within the LGBTQIA2S+ community.
📹 How to deal with family members that disrespect you – toxic family members
Mentalhealth #psychology #toxicrelationships In today’s video Dr. Furat Al-Murani discusses how to deal with a toxic family or …
In 1998, I declined to attend my only sister’s wedding because I absolutely knew I would not survive it. As it turned out, a bombshell was dropped on my uncle, which caused him to get a divorce after having been married for almost 30 years. I live with the knowledge I made the right choice even though I was the only family member who did not attend. There is only one you. You have the right and even the responsibility to protect your own life.
I had an extremely similar relationship with my biological father growing up. I went no contact as soon as was feasible. After years of not speaking to him, my grandfather (his father) died, and we inevitably both attended the funeral. You know what happened? He ignored me the whole time! It was fabulous. Most narcissists will not publicly rock the boat in order to keep the appearance of being likable and perfect, and I think he understood that if he confronted me in any way, he’d be letting his image slip. My suggestion to Jessie is to not reach out beforehand, especially given his past behavior. That could open a chasm, as he may see that as an invitation into your life. Show up, celebrate your beloved niece. Your father may sulk or act victimized, but you get to go back to your peace without him afterwards.
So true! Gem of wisdom to realize to STOP trying to “clear the air” w these people. Not our responsibility to speak for them. Whatever they do say, just nod and realize that if their mouth is moving, they are lying. Let them move on to someone else for Supply… Running dry for a while is the Only chance to stop looking to Others and START looking at themselves.
She is still trying to get his approval, connection, etc. She is still trying to make it work. You are healed if you really feel no need to work on a connection that is so damaging to yourself. It is still self abandonment. She has to become aware of the fact she is still playing out the past patterns. ❤
Yesterday I saw my father after 9 months of silence. I have divorced my father a couple times over the years. These past 9 months have been intensive outpatient therapy for my mental health. 9 months ago he picked me up from the mental health hospital. Yesterday at our spontaneous visit he laid into me AGAIN. My dbt skills helped me not engage in fighting back. My 17 year old was proud of me for not raging. I feel like I took it in the ass by silently walking away. I also know I spent less energy on him which is good for my nervous system.
These tactics have strangely worked well for me: 1) Use absolute words like “NEVER” and “ALWAYS” when setting boundaries – least beating around the bush and extremely concise. Direct it completely towards the thing or action you don’t allow. 2) Ignore their attempts to rage or belittle – this usually works, let them be alone in the attack… simply be present and walk away. Even walk when they accuse you of walking away… the real silence leaves them in their head. 3) In rare moments, it’s ok to shout back (we are partly still primal) and then explain in a calm composed tone “I just needed you to experience how you sound so I became a mirror for a moment” 4) Calm EYE CONTACT and be as PRESENT as possible when they’re losing control (of their presence). I’ve had several times they came back and apologized and acknowledged appreciation that I was keeping my cool around them losing control. 5) Stop worrying what the hell they think about your own core personality, needs, boundaries – live mostly in your present authentic self and feel compassion for those who struggle otherwise. This is perhaps the greatest one of all. We can cut things out of our life but the reason we have to forgive them and wish them well is to stop our own self from dwelling on maintaining a negative perception of them. The positive one lets go and allows more freedom to focus on our own life. Chronic worry and control of others ultimately neglects our self.
Wow, what a letter! Sending love, support and encouragement to the letter writer. CCF, I really appreciate what you said at the end about the father not being likely to change. The strategy is to assume he’s going to be the same as he’s always been and to figure out a way to be neutral to it. The fact that she says she’s ‘afraid his coldness will set her off’, indicates that she still is hooked in and wanting some kind of healing, or resolution with the father. Which is perfectly natural but it’s unfortunately a part of the trauma we have to deal with. I really don’t mean to sound critical of the writer, I’m not criticizing, it’s just that there’s a HUGE final piece of her power that is locked to the very understandable wish that THIS time he will… be supportive, protect her, appreciate her, basically be a decent human being, or a father … but somehow Different. And as long as we want them to change, we are STUCK in the trauma, and we can’t complete our own healing in before the empowered and fully free. The writer certainly deserves all that support and more, just as she deserved to be comforted and protected when she was assaulted at 19. But as you say, Crappy Childhood Fairy, all we can control is our reactions, and our life changes when we change our reactions. So dear writer, may I offer you this: realize that you are BIGGER than the horrible situation that you grew up in. You are literally a larger Being, a larger context than all of that crap. And then you have to release your father to do his own healing.
This really helps me, especially with a toxic sister. I sometimes temporarily block to take a breather. I’m working on inner child, finally realized my problem growing up was not my Dad but my sister and Mom. She has kept the bullying and competing a lifelong mission. If I do stand up, then I am not being”fair”. Your discussion on toxic relatives bias really helped me and to not feel “guilt” for wanting to limit contact. My therapist always says,” Remember she is your sister and your inner child is growing while hers is still b was to there”. I do, but it still brings up those yucky feelings.
I really hope the son, who’s kept contact with his father, realizes that he needs to keep his daughter AWAY from the man who behaved inappropriately with his own daughter. And as for making the 15 year old daughter, watch a sexual show with him, I believe that can be grounds for calling in child protective services in many states. So it’s definitely a form of abuse.
I hope you see this message Crappy childhood fairy! You are one of the most amazing, straight forward women I have ever been blessed with coming across. Thank you for your advice and the beautiful, compassionate way you put everything in perspective in a way that makes sense! You are a true inspiration! As soon as I’m back on my feet I will love to take your classes! Until then, thank you for making free content we can all access! You are changing lives! I’m sorry it took your own trauma to be so wise but holy hell! What a gift of insight you have. 🤗
Can I just say, I LOVED the thumbnail for this article. The title plus your happy innocent facial expression makes it everything. 😂 It’s probably better to not give him a preemptive letter. It will look like she’s trying to be nice for no reason. The narcissistic father may not understand why she sent the letter and misinterpret or twist her intentions. Just show up to the batmitzvah as a happy positive presence for everyone else, and he can stew if he doesn’t want to approach you or if he can’t.
Great answer. My birth-giver chose to create drama at my daughter’s graduation and spoiled the end of the event. I looked like a million dollars as I’d been taken clothes shopping by a friend who is a professional stylist and by far the most stylish person I know. My ‘mistake’ was to upstage a narcissist unintentionally by respecting the importance of the occasion for my daughter, by looking the part for her. My birth-giver looked frumpy and it would have been difficult not to upstage her. Shortly afterwards I went no contact after more drama. A couple of years later she was present at my son’s wedding and she ignored me completely and even avoided eye contact. I’d been through mental gymnastics thinking about whether I should re-initiate contact beforehand to make the day better but I think the way it played out is as good as it gets and trying to set any expectations with a narcissist exposes your vulnerabilities unnecessarily. Recently my birth-giver had a wedding anniversary party for family, having never had one before for any of the major anniversaries. It appears that the event was staged primarily to exclude me as she told invitees that I wasn’t invited. It didn’t get to me – I was able to shrug it off as one of those games that narcissists play. I’m at peace and it’s clear that she isn’t. The boundary is priceless.
I think you are right and that if she tries to have an interaction he will not take it well. He will probably be offended she assumed they/he would have a problem. Speaking from my own experience, sometimes in an effort to avoid drama i try to find a way to control the situation because i feel i will be in danger if i dont get ahead of it. This sounds like what she is doing. She believes she can get ahead of it. Her dad is unstable though so trying to get ahead of it could very well backfire. I think you are right, the public nature of the event will keep him in check.
This letter reminds me of what is happening in my extended family now. I went ‘no contact ‘ with my mother-in-law several years ago, except for the obligatory Xmas day, which is always with my husband by my side. She most likely recognized my vulnerability from the get go. On the eve of my wedding day she accosted me and made sure no one else was around and told me “you weren’t supposed to get married!” Yelled that in my face. Also yelled at me and told me the wedding goodie bags were “not necessary” even tho they were specially made with our names and wedding date on them. This was 25 years ago. She has continually barraged me with insults and accusations at EVERY family gathering for 15 years. I told my husband 10 years ago, NO MORE. I went no contact with her. This Saturday I had to Regretfully Decline an invite to my husband’s niece’s shower because my husband won’t be there. I feel awful, but this is my only solution to deal with this highly functional narcissist. What do you think, Anna, is this the way it will always be?
Agree with the advice. Her impulse to clear the air could easily backfire given these particular personality disorders. Ultimately, she’s looking for a way to lower her anxiety ahead of this run-in. Rather than reaching out to the father, I’d reach out to someone more reliable. Perhaps that’s her wife, her brother, and/or someone else in the family who knows the history. Discuss the fears with them, the various ways things might play out. Come up with a plan for each of them. For the worst case scenario of the father making a big scene, recruit someone to watch for this. Someone willing to step in/run interference so she can just disengage and walk away. A little support can go a long way in a situation like this.
The father will never change. It is a waste of your time and energy to even try. I have learned this through decades of family get-togethers that I call BFHF (Big F-ing Happy Family) Events. And I agree that these times are not the right time to address historical and on-going issues. I have a BFHF week at the cottage coming up, and I use my own camper and limit my exposure while doing activities that I love. Hopefully this will be enough to protect myself. If not, I’ll just pack up and leave early.
I agree with Anna any attempt to connect and set boundaries ahead of time will likely fall flat or even esxalate conflict which is okay if you feel ready to handle. Your call just sharing 🙂 It sounds to me like you have found rhe best boundry is ghosting. I would try to think what does ghosting look like at a public event. As a narascist i think he will look for trubute from you he will want public acknowledgement and niceities and also with grey boundries might even flirt or something subtelly inappropriate. I think try to establish the mind that you are not there to see him. And if he approaches. Matter of factly say i am here for my brother and not for you and walk away. You dont owe him a converaation or acknowledgment. But he will try to make you feel like you do. For the least conflict you can just go through the motions maybe that is also best. For inner growth i think acknowledging with him that you dont even care he is there or are even unhappy he is there might build on your sense or inner power.
I don’t know if I got caught up the story of the letter, or what… I will certainly watch again….but I was really looking forward to the sound advice of telling a toxic person to “eff-off” in a nice way thus thwarting drama in a situation like this when family comes together. Im bewildered. Ugh.
OMG I so relate To every article abt toxic family! My parents were Not That abusive, I mean not in that manner, but still abusive and causing me to be soooooo afraid of them. Like Ana said, I just say what needs to be said in order to keep the air as clean as possible and play along in the family reunions but it is soooooo draining for my soul! With all the daily practice and all the healing and acceptance of the fact that they won’t change and everything, I find myself to be completely drained and disregulated after the family gaterings and all I dream is that one day I can live peacefully and not be so terrified when I think abt them, when they call me and all. I pray to God that they will try to get rid of me bcs if I try to go no contact it will increase the drama!!! I am married now with 2 kids and a great husband, I m 38 and still scared like a little child when I think abt my mom and my sister. They are sooooo toxic for my soul! My father alone is not but because he doesn’t see the dynamic and he is passive, he becomes toxic as well by participating in the dynamic blindly. Ufffff, I literally save all the articles regarding this dinamycs and replay them every time I need to reassure myself that I’m not rude or evil for trying to avoid them as often as possible and that I’m just trying to keep my peace and be a present loving mummy for my kids, not a dysregulated emotional wreck 😢 thanks CCF for ure work and for ure great insights. Sometimes going no contact is even worse and the solution is radical acceptance and ninja boundaries!
I was 28 yr old when I finally blew a gasket going through an ugly divorce. Years of bullying, condescending comments and walking on eggshells around my father had to stop. Especially at this time. I was so afraid to tell him my x cheated that he would unleash rage towards me. I hid it for few years until my Ex finally left. I was physically sick holding it in so long and now I had to deal with it explaining why my ex would not be at my parents for our sons b day party. I one day left work to go tell my father and had hives and diarrhea. He wasnt happy and I thought I got through it until I called him one night about someone else. He yelled at me for ruining his dinner and that I have been screwing things up all my life . And what did I do to make my ex cheat. I finally yelled louder and over him asking him what I screwed up and give me details. He couldn’t come up with anything . As his bullying got worse I said I was hanging up the phone. He yelled “Don’t EVER hang up on me ” I was so angry I through my cordless phone against the wall and it shattered. Since that day I didnt care how I talked to him . He started to be afraid of me now.. I have dealt with many nasty Narcissistic bullies and I will let them have it Especially if they want try to put me down in front of people. This is Not love or respect so I don’t have a problem dishing it out anymore. I only care about people who love me unconditionally. I do care how I speak and what they think about me. Could not careless anymore Narcissistic bullies think.
When in doubt, there’s old Southern favirite “Bless your heart!” 😈🕊 (P.S. Profoundly grateful for the truly immeasurable positive effect you’ve had on my life starting with the first article that popped up in my feed as nothing short of Divine Intervention less than a month ago. It was one on hoarding “comfort OCD”. I felt as if I could breathe for the first time in 50+ years. That afternoon I stood up and began a new life in earnest.)
Welp – as a single mom, I depend on my parents to help with my daughter. My parents are thankfully not nearly as dysfunctional as some, but my mother (a fellow CPTSD-er) and I trigger each other constantly, to the point of my mother trying to physically fight me in front of my daughter (only happened once, but it’s almost happened several times)…. Not to mention the trauma it likely inflicts on my daughter to see us fighting constantly. :/
I can relate to the unstable dad. It is terrifying when a parent goes berserk. My dad did ( completely lose it) and I still feel nausiating fear when I say no to something, especially when I can tell he is not calm. I don’t believe it’s up to her to ‘keep the situation calm’, it’s not all in her hands anyway. Also, I feel like her dad wasn’t just ‘off’, it is some form of abuse what he did with that sexfilm, it must have been so awfull! I wish her strength and also the feeling that she has a right to not even go if it doesn’t feel safe to begin with. I do feel like someone needs to protect that girl though.
I am sorry for the writer of that letter,but please would you inform her that her dads action is insidious emotional incest and is considered a sexual assault and I suppose she should potentially warn her brother for the sake of his daughter,a man like her dad should not come near to any child,and l know about that because l have read a lot about different forms of sexual abuse
I hope she doesn’t make that call but rather chooses instead to accept the discomfort allowing him to be hostile without focusing directly on the negative energy, but rather allowing it/him to be a reality that exists within her peripheral vision so to speak that does not need to be addressed. As long as she is not the aggressor and remains calm she might hopefully make it through this event if she can pour tons of positive love and energy into her niece. For some like him, an act like “extending an olive branch” merely reinforces their own sense of importance and victimization by you because they will see it as you trying to make amends TO THEM for the wrong that you have purportedly committed, potentially making a gracious and considerate act more DEstructive than CONstructive. I’m so sorry she suffered and continues to struggle through all of this and GLAD she has had the strength to divorce herself from that destructive relationship irrespective of WHO he thinks he is. I hope she has a wonderful time celebrating her niece…and Mazel Tov! ✨🙏✨
I audibly gagged when she said that her parents were on their third marriage by the time she was 11. Both of my parents are on or past their third marriage. It isnt bad per say, but i know her parents must have hang ups or troubles that lead to either a) getting with the “wrong” person or b) not being able to maintain a healthy relationship . Or both at the same time. And that reality creates drama in the lives of the children. Your parents chose people to bring into your life and you have no say in who or when or how. The new dynamic can be confusing. The relationship coukd be toxic, where both people shouldnt be together or one person could genuinely be more to blame. Regardless you as the kid watch this play out, withstand the repurcussions or fallout, whike still just trying your best to be good. Do well in school. Make your parents happy. Etc. I have lived a variation of her life and i hate it for her. I wish none of us had to watch our parents get their heart broken or break their own hearts.
Ohhh…I need to talk to someone re that inappropriate sexual stuff. I have experienced that with my mother but didn’t know that was a thing, I have know something was off those for decades now. My mother has been extremely inappropriate sharing with me my dad’s bedroom ‘issues’ whenever she feels like throwing that into a conversation. I have straight out told her I don’t want or need to hear it. She continually brings up how her and my dad stopped being intimate about the time I got married the first time. I don’t care, that’s THEIR business and I did tell her that. She informed me that she would share with me if she wanted to because I am ‘her daughter’ and if she wants to share with me she will…ugh. My dad passed away this past March and I’m pretty sure she’s BPD and I KNOW she’s NPD. Will likely never know though because even though she’s been encouraged many times, she will never go get help. Now that she’s alone she’s worse than ever. It’s like she expects someone to hold her hand and pull her through life now. Not too long ago she shared with me that when she was 16 yrs old she went out on a date with a guy and they ended up having sex. She said she did not want it to happen but didn’t know how to say ‘no’. All these years later and my mother says this guy’s wife looks at her and smirks because mom just KNOWS she knows what happened way back then. My mother is 82. So there is something else I did not want or need to know. Things like that just makes my stomach twist.
Man, it feels like it’s always women or non binary who have to do this sort of social work. It probably never crossed the man’s mind. It’s better just to ignore him at the event and not do any pre-emptive contact. If he had grown he’d have contacted you prior to this to try reignite contact but you already know he hasn’t changed because your brother still struggles with him.
Oh crap!! Anna!! I just totally screwed up!! I sent a venting text to my brother instead of my friend. It’s about his wife, now he’s angry with me!!! Talk about self sabotage 😣😣😣😖😖😖 I might be homeless again 😱🥵 But, if I have to leave… it might be better, living in a judgemental toxic place isn’t so good for my healing 😣😢 Breathing, breathing 😖☹️😒
Any contact that may begin to erupt could possibly be handled with a reminder that you are there for your niece, that is who the gathering is all about and everything and everyone is not only secondary but on hold for another place and time. This is all about your niece and no one else. I dunno, they all react and overreact even that may not be the thing to do.
No “They ” don’t change ” X100 due to Bereft. 1 Timothy 6:10 (ps I know some of my comments may have offended you. I apologize. this is a process ( and frankly I am tired I am 60 now.. this began at birth and thereafter.) Mtt 6:14-15 Col 3:13 and Lk 6:30-33 ( my property my portion of the inheritance and forgotten- discredited and ignored by remaining “family:’ etc
Thank you for the work you do here. I do, however, feel disappointed with this article’s title. I patiently listened to another person’s dilemma & was waiting for the advice that the title suggested. Maybe it’s just my lack of understanding but I’m still not sure how to tell a toxic family member how to go f**k themself in a nice way, which is what the title implies. Thanks again for sharing your wisdom on your website 😊💜🙏
If the writer had said her parents divorced at a different age, I would have been SURE this is my daughter’s story. He didn’t watch the sex show with her, but he waited until I left the house and then made her pull down her pants and lay face down on the bed and spoke to her while he hit her bottom as a punishment for whatever transgression. She was around 8 at that time. I am loaded with guilt and she is not healed like the author, unfortunately.
This may be my favorite 🤩 one of your articles. She is younger than me and has so much recovery ❤️🩹. Not trying to work things out – Brilliant!! My Alan on sponsor was like 10 years old than me. She shared a story of being at the beach with mom and “trying talk things out with her”. She could visually see her mom digging her feet deeper into the sand in avoidance. 🎊 Anyway, I think 🤔 where I got tripped up in life was if I didn’t work it out with my parents how would I not attract people into my life who treated me with the same lack of respect. My siblings for one. I got stuck with them. I didn’t realize that they were hiding being flying monkeys for my dad. My mom handed over parenting to them. She was unavailable to me. 😮