This blog by Dr. Becca Bland discusses how to deal with family estrangement, whether you are the person making the decision or an adult parent. It offers concrete ways to support yourself as you move through this painful process. Some tools that can be helpful for dealing with family estrangement include prayer, understanding the causes, effects, and coping strategies of family estrangement, understanding how society views estrangement, and learning four strategies to take responsibility for your part and move forward with reconciliation.
To cope with stress and conflict of being estranged from your family member, explore four approaches to regulate your nervous system, practice acceptance, and set boundaries. Move to another area where you won’t see or meet with your family and rebuild your life. Join a social club or fraternal group to surround yourself with.
When reconnecting with family members who have cut off contact for various reasons, learn how to prepare, approach, and cope with the emotional aspects of being disowned. Deal with your emotions, seek support, and set boundaries with your estranged family.
Let go of the other person who cut you, knowing that you cannot control the other person who cut you. To help a friend who is estranged from their family, respect their reasons, be willing to listen, and don’t push them to reconcile.
Remember to seek out a therapist, find a support group, journal about your experience, and be patient with yourself. Family estrangement is often described as a “living loss”, and the stages of grief with family estrangement are distinct from those of death. Instead, focus on the positive aspects of your life and your loved ones’ lives.
| Article | Description | Site |
|---|---|---|
| How To Move On From Family Estrangement | By taking the wrong people out of your life, you find space for the right people to flourish with you. | beccabland.com |
| What to do when a family member shuts you out | Let go. Along with prayer, letting go is an incredible tool in healing a cut-off. Know that you cannot control the other person who cut you … | estherkane.com |
| When You’re Disowned by Family: Healing and Moving On | How to Deal With Being Disowned by Your Family · Seek Out a Therapist · Find a Support Group · Journal About Your Experience · Be Patient With Your … | lovetoknow.com |
📹 Leaving Narcissistic Parents And Toxic Family.
The Royal We has helped Millions to escape the grip of narcissistic abuse. Here’s a deeper look into what narcissistic abuse looks …
How To Cope When A Family Member Cuts You Off?
When a family member distances themselves, it can be emotionally challenging and isolating. Firstly, consider praying or reflecting, even if you’re not religious, as it can provide relief. Allow yourself to grieve and process your emotions by writing unsent letters or discussing your feelings. If the estrangement is due to abusive dynamics, cutting ties may be necessary for your well-being. Understand that family estrangement often leads to complex emotions like depression and anxiety.
Healthy communication is vital; meet the family member in a neutral location and express your thoughts calmly. Embrace social support from friends or a therapist, who can provide empathetic listening without attempting to fix things. Letting go is crucial; remember, you can’t control others’ choices. Estrangement may sometimes serve as a blessing, allowing personal growth. If reconciliation is an option, be prepared to address past hurts honestly.
Lastly, prioritize your emotional health by seeking professional help if needed. Engage in self-love and empathy, and do not suppress your feelings. Openly sharing can ease the burden and help navigate the path toward healing and understanding amidst family struggles.
How Do You Deal With A Family Member?
Spending quality time with family is essential, as they won't always be around. However, difficult family dynamics can complicate relationships, especially with toxic members who dominate conversations or display controlling behavior. To manage interactions with challenging relatives, it’s important to set and maintain clear boundaries regarding acceptable behaviors and topics. Acknowledge that you cannot change others, only how you respond to them.
Engaging in small talk while avoiding deep conversations with toxic family members can mitigate tension; don't share personal information that could lead to gossip. Prioritize your own well-being and avoid falling into emotional traps, such as guilt or criticism. Seek professional help if needed, emphasizing self-care and managing stress. Acknowledge the reality of family drama, but take proactive steps like giving yourself space when necessary. Clear communication about your needs and limits can facilitate healthier interactions.
Recognize that understanding and empathy may not transform harmful dynamics but can help you cope better. Ultimately, balancing self-protection with family connections requires vigilance, emotional intelligence, and the willingness to prioritize your mental health while navigating complex familial relationships.
Is Family Estrangement Permanent?
Estrangements within families are typically temporary, with many individuals reconciling over time. Rather than exacerbating conflicts with anger, it’s essential to manage emotions when seeking resolution. Research indicates that estrangement is a common issue, with about one-quarter of adults reporting being estranged from family members, translating to millions of individuals affected. Causes for these estrangements include factors such as abuse, neglect, and betrayal.
While some estrangements may be permanent due to unresolved issues, most are not, often reflecting cyclical patterns where periods of estrangement are followed by reconciliation. Healing from estrangement is a separate process and requires time and effort. Experts note that this phenomenon can cause chronic stress and impact mental, social, and physical well-being. Families may experience various forms of estrangement, including between parents and children or among siblings.
Surveys suggest that family estrangement is prevalent, with some estimating that around 50% of people experience such rifts. On average, estrangement may last about nine years, with variations depending on the family dynamics involved. Ultimately, reconciling is possible, should individuals choose to work toward it.
How To Cope When Your Child Rejects You?
To repair your relationship with your child, first ask them what they need from you. Avoid defensiveness and idealization; instead, focus on grieving and living one day at a time. If your child expresses the need for space, respect that, but maintain your empowerment. To rekindle the bond, consider five powerful strategies: 1) Validate their feelings instead of stirring negativity; 2) Seek inner peace for potential reconciliation; 3) Communicate authentically through handwritten notes or voicemails, avoiding lengthy explanations and digital communications; 4) Acknowledge that parental relationships often come with unresolved emotions; and 5) Recognize manipulative behaviors without losing your composure.
Cultivate resilience in your children, who will inevitably face disappointments. Forgive yourself as you strive to connect again, even when faced with rejection. Focus on what you can do to support your child’s emotional health, while maintaining your own well-being through relaxation and mindfulness. Understanding and compassion are vital for overcoming rejection. Gradually offer opportunities for independence, such as short trips, to foster growth and connection. Throughout the process, remember to love and respect your child, while putting aside feelings of shame, ultimately embracing a forward-looking mindset for rebuilding your family dynamics.
What Are The Psychological Effects Of Sibling Estrangement?
Sibling estrangement often results from poor communication and resentment, potentially leading to mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and substance abuse. This estrangement can stem from adult child-parent conflicts and tends to increase with age. A significant number of American adults—over one-quarter—report cutting contact with family members, highlighting that family estrangement is more common than perceived. Research indicates that up to 28% of individuals have experienced estrangement from siblings.
Contributing factors may include negative life events, such as illness, addiction, abuse, and financial troubles, which affect family dynamics and increase vulnerability to mental health problems. The emotional impact of estrangement can cause feelings of isolation, abandonment, and hopelessness among siblings, particularly when one suffers from mental illness. Common reasons for such estrangement include emotional or physical abuse, neglect, and parental favoritism.
Understanding these dynamics and seeking counseling can help individuals navigate their feelings of anxiety, anger, and sadness linked to estrangement, fostering opportunities for healing and reconciliation.
What Happens If You Are Disowned By Your Family?
Being disowned by family carries significant emotional burden, often intertwining themes of safety, love, and trust. Individuals who face disownment may grapple with feelings of abandonment, unlovability, and unworthiness in relationships. Disownment can manifest as disinheritance, familial exile, or shunning, often making the disowned person unwelcome at family events or even unaware of them through social media. This severing of ties can be distressing, resulting in an overwhelming influx of emotions that necessitates self-care and effective coping strategies.
Those disowned may experience a range of feelings and may consider cutting off contact with emotionally immature family members. The process of disowning is distinct from temporary estrangement as it signifies a definitive break in familial connections. Reasons for disownment can vary widely, from disagreements over life choices to deeper issues like racism.
To navigate the difficulties of family estrangement, it’s essential to prioritize personal healing and consider pragmatic steps, such as seeking support from social services or community resources. Strategies like prayer or meditation may provide relief and clarity. Ultimately, whether you choose to mend relationships or move on, focus on your well-being while recognizing that disownment does not define your self-worth. Embracing the journey of healing can lead to emotional resilience and empowerment.
How Do I Move On From Family Estrangement?
Investing time in supportive friendships and family relationships is essential for alleviating feelings of isolation. Building a strong support network can help in coping with family estrangement, which, as noted by Psychology Today, affects one in four people yet remains a taboo subject. Engaging in fulfilling activities, including volunteering or exploring new interests, can shift focus from the pain of estrangement. Healing is a gradual process.
To navigate the complexities of family estrangement, individuals can adopt several strategies, including processing grief, setting boundaries, prioritizing well-being, and practicing self-compassion and forgiveness.
An insightful blog by Dr. Becca Bland offers guidance on moving forward without a family member. Parents dealing with estrangement from adult children can follow specific tips tailored for their situation. For those seeking to support a friend or loved one experiencing estrangement, understanding the nuances of the pain involved is crucial, as many do not acknowledge the depth of such loss, often labeling it as a 'living loss.'
Effective strategies include setting clear boundaries, being kind, and focusing on self-care by forgiving oneself, accepting feelings of anger and sadness, and embracing self-reflection to understand one's role in the estrangement. Research emphasizes that family estrangement is more common than perceived and encourages individuals to focus on the positive aspects of life and supportive relationships, even if they are not biological. In conclusion, this guide aims to help individuals consider their desired outcomes in relation to family dynamics or the absence of a family network.
How To Deal With Being Disowned By Your Family?
Apologizing and taking responsibility for your actions can significantly aid in mending a rift with your family. Acknowledging mistakes and expressing remorse helps demonstrate understanding of their perspective. However, it’s also important to allow parents time to process their emotions following disownment. Estrangement is painful, regardless of whose decision it was; there are steps you can take to cope. Understanding that "blood is thicker than water" does not always apply, especially in families with histories of disownment.
It's vital to realize that being abandoned doesn’t reflect your self-worth. Seek solace in trusted friends or a therapist to navigate feelings of grief and loss. Exploring the emotional impact of being disowned may also aid recovery. If the family situation is abusive or dysfunctional, distancing yourself and rebuilding your life might be necessary. Support groups and journaling can provide additional coping strategies. It's crucial to expect intense emotional responses and understand that healing occurs in waves.
Accept that not all family relationships are healthy, and find comfort in chosen family. Moving forward after disownment involves establishing boundaries, ceasing contact, and focusing on your well-being as you process and adapt to this significant life change.
What Is It Called When A Family Member Cuts You Off?
Family estrangement refers to the disconnection between an individual and family members, such as parents or siblings, often due to persistent negativity in their relationships. This phenomenon has gained recognition as a genuine emotional struggle, with at least 27% of the U. S. population identifying as estranged from family. Many resources primarily address the adult's perspective on these estrangements, but they also recognize the complexities involved for parents disconnected from their children.
The decision to sever ties can bring emotional turmoil and confusion, often leading individuals to consider the necessity of enforcing no-contact boundaries. Signs of toxic family dynamics may prompt this drastic step, prompting reflection on the possible benefits of disengagement. Healing practices include seeking support through prayer, modeling healthier behaviors, and evaluating the potential need to distance oneself from those causing distress.
Expert guidance suggests engaging in open, honest conversations when implementing such separation. Family estrangement challenges traditional beliefs about familial bonds, revealing that maintaining mental health sometimes necessitates difficult choices, illustrating the impact of evolving social dynamics on family relationships.
How To Cope When Your Child Disowns You?
If you're facing estrangement from an adult child, beginning the healing process is crucial. Start by seeking support to address feelings of vulnerability. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship, acknowledging the emotional turmoil that comes with it, rather than pretending everything is fine. Consider whether to contact your child, what to say, and how long to attempt reconnection. Here are five tips for navigating this difficult time:
- Seek Support: Understand it's vital to connect with others who can empathize with your situation.
- Accept Their Narrative: Your child has their version of events; respect it without trying to correct them.
- Manage Your Reactions: Initial reactions to rejection can be shocking; take time to process these feelings.
- Consider Professional Help: Consulting an experienced therapist can provide guidance and coping strategies.
- Reflect Genuinely: Acknowledge the realities of your relationship without idealizing the past.
Ultimately, healing takes time, and self-care is essential. By pursuing personal well-being and understanding your child’s feelings, you can lay the groundwork for potential reconciliation while nurturing your own happiness.
How To Move On From Family Estrangement?
To move on from family estrangement, it's essential to focus on self-reflection and personal well-being. Family estrangement, often marked by a deliberate separation due to ongoing negative relationships, can be common, as seen in many families where adult children may choose to walk away. Engaging with professional help and understanding the reasons behind estrangement is crucial. Effective strategies include setting healthy boundaries, practicing forgiveness, and prioritizing self-compassion.
Accept what you can't control while being open to second chances. It's important to identify if a relationship is toxic and how it impacts you emotionally. Seek support from nurturing relationships, which might not be biological but can still offer a sense of belonging. By processing grief, redirecting your focus from loss to personal growth, and exploring new hobbies, you can reclaim your life. Creating a positive internal dialogue and learning to "reparent" oneself are also vital. Ultimately, the goal is to envision a healthier family dynamic, whether or not traditional ties are present.
What Is Family Estrangement Or Disownment?
Family estrangement or disownment is a complex process where an individual either cuts contact with or is rejected by their family. Each person's reasons for this vary significantly. Estrangement can occur even if one has moved out and is living independently. It represents a total severing of familial ties, sometimes accompanied by formal declarations of disownment. Understanding family estrangement involves recognizing its prevalence, causes, and effects, as well as coping strategies and available support.
Research indicates that around 50% of people may go through periods of estrangement, with statistics showing that one in four individuals experience it, including one in ten who may cut ties with a parent or child. The emotional toll of estrangement resembles a "living loss," and its grieving stages differ from those associated with death. Lucy Blake, PhD, a developmental psychologist, presents insights into the dynamics and common conflicts leading to disownment.
Strategies for healing and maintaining or mending family ties can provide support in overcoming the distance created by estrangement, ultimately helping individuals navigate their unique family situations and the complexities involved.
📹 God Is Telling You to BLOCK a FAMILY MEMBER If . . .
What does the Bible say about removing a family member from your life? Would God ever tell you to block a family member?
It really doesn’t matter if you get along with your narc family or not, they will still talk about you. My family has dragged my name through the mud since I went no contact but they did that even when I showed up for family events and attempted to have a relationship with them. It literally makes no difference to these people.
My mom is a narcissist. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve seen how my other siblings have turned out to be narcissistic as well, dishing out the same toxic abuse as she did. For so many years I lived in close proximity to my family and did not pursue certain opportunities as I was afraid of being away from them, but I realize I’ve wasted so much time doing that.
The jealousy and envy from your siblings is real…Especially when your parents live on the validation of being needed by their struggling adult children. It becomes a weird, twisted situation where everybody else is struggling, so why aren’t you? When you voice your diffence in thinking and approach to life that has made you independently successful, that’s when the proverbial knives come out
As the oldest sibling raised in very toxic narcissistic family I realized they will not change. I left them alone years ago and still I am a negative talk piece. Unfortunately I didn’t have any information or even knew what is a narcissist. I ended up marrying one and now I’m planning my permanent get away. I can not wait for the day to come and I will say Free at last thank God almighty im free at last. I look forward to these post to keep me geared up and follow through with my permanent going away release.Stay encourage
My father told me when I was 13 that without him I wouldn’t be worth a penny. My sister has stole from me, my mother has stole from me, my grandmother(mom side) told me that I am going to hell because I don’t take care of my mom and sister that I’ll answer for it on judgement day. I’m the good kid of my family never been arrested or in any trouble! Unlike my mother and sister who both have been locked up. I get treated as the black sheep.
i got cancer last year and ended up in hospital and it made me realise how bloody aweful my family was, especially mum and sister who just couldnt show any empathy, they have had so many years of making me the ‘bad’one, the stupid one (to cover for their own uneducation) that they literally couldnt be nice, in fact they went the other way and when i was trying to recover all they could do was complain that i hadnt cut my lawn or cleaned my car (their whole lives are based on ‘what will people think’ ? ) the final straw was when i mentioned i had a drone, with a camera and within seconds i was accused of spying on women getting undressed, Im 57 ffs, so i snapped, came home wrote to them both telling them exactly what i thought, that this was ending and i didnt want to see them or hear from them ever again . i should have done it 30 years ago
I just want to express how lonely I felt before perusal this article and reading all of these comments. I am surprised and shocked to see how many people have suffered from narcissistic abuse in families. Thank you for speaking your truth and standing in your power. Because of you now I know I am not alone and hurting in this world. I feel understood and heard. I feel powerful and loved. There is no better feeling than relating to a complete stranger who shares the same journey. I wish I could hug each of you. ❤
“failure to assimilate” got me disinherited, not only from narc mom’s estate, but she withheld my Dad’s estate from me as well. They demand complete dedication to them….or else. PS. I was a scapegoat so was never enmeshed. What made leaving hard, was the admission I had ‘failed’ at obtaining my mother’s love.
Exactly Truth 💯🎯❤️! I walked away from my narcissistic shitty rich selfish toxic broken dysfunctional divorced parents and other flying monkeys and enablers in the family structure for my sanity! It’s been so hard and painful, but I’m trying to heal on my spiritual journey. Thank you for making! It’s so nice to hear the support, understanding and encouragement from someone else who gets it! 🙏
I wished I could have had a teacher of the gospel like you years ago! I wasted a lot time with my wicked Father and siblings! I knew they didn’t like me! But I couldn’t get away! My Mother died when I was 5yrs. old. It was a tough childhood! So many narcissistic people around me. I was a magnet for them!
I let go of my siblings two years ago. They’re toxic and self-righteous with it. Im happy and its also set the bar high for what I allow in my life now, in a sense taking that action has fine tuned my ‘toxicity’ detector. Ive set that precedent and now I’m not gonna accept that kind of behaviour from anyone.
It is very difficult to grapple with the fact that your parent, parents, ALL of your siblings, grandparents, cousins, ALL of them are your worst enemies. Going No Contact is just as hard as being beat up by an entire group of people continually with their relentless smears, jabs and abuse. THEN it turns around for YOU when you find your chosen family.
Went no contact with my entire family,the hardest decision to make but the most rewarding. They hurt me for the last time,stole my inheritance,was told not to go to my mother’s funeral. I am the scapegoat of the family! I would never be like them and they could never be like me! I’m free from them controlling and putting me down. I can move forward. I struggle in the morning playing the victim in my mind. I’m getting stronger and feel better about my decision. When my mother die,my family died with her.
I finally cut ties with my toxic family and friends 4 years ago. It took me a long journey of suffering to finally break free, but I did it. My family was so superficial and selfish, so judgmental and spiritually bankrupt I’m amazed I found the strength to do it. I can honestly say that my journey started when I was 3. That’s when I began to recognize something wasn’t right. Still I feel very isolated, but that’s not been all bad as I have been taking the time to heal. Through VA therapy sessions, meditation and exercise, I have made significant progress. I look forward to getting to know you and your heart. I have similar aspirations. I am a descendant of William Brewster and Stephen Hopkins, so I guess it’s in my genetics. Namaste.
“Your failure to assimilate into the family” That says so much! I was told at 7 years old that I “thought” I was adopted. I didn’t agree with something (probably something cruel my 8 year older golden child brother had done to me) So basically called me out for thinking I was different/too good to believe i was blood. Seven years old. I remember crying and trying to say that I didn’t think that and please love me. Always for years their fall back cutting remarks to me.
I decided that this Saturday is the last family event I will be attending. These ppl are petty, cheap, users and they think that they can still bully me, talk down to me, yell at me over buying the wrong bottled water and other things, use me for a gopher, chauffeur, personal shopper etc. And when I stand up for myself I’m disrespectful. Apparently I’m supposed to pay for stuff, take their abuse and not standup for myself only because they are ” my elders” Oh, so I guess continually disrespecting me and treating me like I’m nine even though I’m in my 30s it’s fine only because they’re claimed to fame is that they were born before I was. Nope, this Saturday will be the last. I love my state (PA) but I’m moving just to get the f away from these demons.
I’m 42 and just came into awareness over a year ago. Coming to grips with parents that say they love you but say terrible things at the same time was really hard to accept. I kept hoping they’d change but just before mother’s day this year I learned that they won’t. It really sucked to go through the mental separation but I’m thankful for the pain; I grew closer to Christ because of it. I’m still undecided about total no contact but we never speak much anyway. Having 4 kids that have grown up around these people have made things stickier. They see their grandparents good side. My supportive husband has agreed that we definitely won’t invite them to anything but will discuss anytime they invite us.
😫 I’m so tired of this! My dad threatened with killing him self because I couldn’t help him pay his 3 months late rent. Now he’s calling all of my aunt’s and family to say his good byes and that he loves everybody but that I did something horrible to him and he can’t go on! They are all calling me about how bad of a daughter I am but no one is trying to pay his bills either and no one knows how hard I have it. Yes im a “successful” business owner but that doesn’t make me his atm especially since no one helped me get to where I’m at. Thank you for ur articles 💖
It’s so difficult as you know Kevin. We can find our own Identity without mom and dad. I have when I left home years ago. The problem for me is the hunger and need for a relationship with them. I could live alone on an Island forever. But to have parents and feel like an orphan, that hurt never goes away. Family, they are the ones you hope never betray you. JESUS said, Though your mother and father forsake you, “I never will.” Thank GOD for that.😇
I needed this. Family ties can make you blind. My family – they all smoke weed daily, all of them, except me. I’m goaloriented, ambitious and I get shit done. None of them do. And I sense they talk about me when I’m not there and never invite me to anything, even things they know I really love. My mother talks unreasonably positive about my siblings as if trying to make me envious of them. On purpose. Thank you.
My mom is a toxic revolving door. She spins hateful comments, becomes manipulative, screams at the top of her lungs in this horrific disgusting demonic voice, calls me the worst names you can think of, ignores, starts slowly talking to me again over the course of a few days, asks me lazy person favors, scolds me, talks to me some more, ….then AHA! There’s that moment she’s nice just for a sliver of a moment, says something snarky, nice again, less snarky, COMPLETELY NICE AND CARING AND LOVING, then again it begins…. Out of nowhere. And me? What do I do? I’ve literally and consciously told myself over and over… do not say a word and don’t be rude… just to see…. Is it me who starts these fights? Or her? And it’s 100% her. I hate saying this… but I’m truly kind and caring and hate speaking ill of others. I think this is the first time I’ve ever said anything about my mom. She’s educated. Three masters degrees, speaks several languages, has read almost every book known to man, traveled the world, visited almost every country, and kind and funny to everyone she meets. She’s 73 and takes out all her anger on me. I’m the punching bag. No matter what I say or do it’s never good enough. Believe me I’ve tried different tactics and techniques. The faces she makes, the horrible sound that emits from her voice when she’s livid and in a rage. It’s awful. My goodness just thinking about it makes me so upset. I have PTSD truly because of her. I would’ve rather been beaten than take her emotional abuse.
Since childhood, my father, despite living in the same house, was never there for me and never showed any interest in me. He would break objects in the house, destroy my belongings, and I couldn’t understand why he did this to me. Whenever I touched his things, he would fly into a strange rage. I completed my studies, and he didn’t even congratulate me. I achieved a successful professional career in the largest globally known projects, and still, he didn’t congratulate me. After 40 years, he told me that he had hated me since my childhood (nothing new for me).
Yup. Truthful message. When I began to change in early 20’s, began step away from role assigned to me, which I had ZERO idea I was being used. Then wouldn’t go along with thier norm. Then I have become to TRUTHTELLER. “”‘ THEY HATE ME”’. HATE. HATE…HATE ME. It’s weird, creepy and so glad I road this rodeo, which has sucked but, could be worst, I could be them and still attached to them.
I stopped speaking with my family in August 2021 and it was the best decision for my life. By that time I already allowed for them to do unspeakable things and finally reached a breaking point & spiritual clarity where I just couldn’t allow one more hateful act to happen. Yes I yearn for my mom, sister, brother but it’s like quitting cigarettes, you get that urge to smoke & you want a cigarette so bad it hurts. But once that urge passes you know you’re doing the right thing by not smoking! Same thing with toxic, evil family members. If you have been strong enough to cut the evil out of your life, why would you ever want to go backwards into that miserable heart breaking scenario ever again. Yes it can be raw, heartbreaking and sometimes feel unbearable but so was what I was allowing to happen just because I shared the same dna. We have to grow as individuals and sometimes that means leaving people behind. This was a great article thank you for helping other people like me to not feel like a failure because we made the right decisions for our own lives for the first time in our lives. And continue to thrive and grow within ourselves without feeling guilty for standing up to evil and for ourselves and our chosen beliefs, family, path & choices.
The woman who gave birth to me overtly favored my sister and was regularly very toxic, rude, resentful, frequently picked fights with me, and often gave me the silent treatment. But one day, 5 years before I finished my academic degrees, she picked another fight with me and I finally said “enough is enough! I am too old for this now!” And for those 5 years before I left her home, I gave her the silent treatment for that entire time. It was very interesting how she became unhinged and fearful of me to the point where she would lock her bedroom door at night (I have never been violent towards her by the way). She would also have verbal outbursts of angry words towards me at times to try and get me to break my silence. I maintained the silent treatment and when I finished my schooling I finally had the money to move out and live in my own home far away from her. The interesting thing was that, when I was no longer around, my sister (who was always her favorite) started to be on the receiving end of all the toxicity she used to direct at me. That woman who gave birth to me also started, out of the blue, to re-connect with her ex-husband, my father (whom she always said she despised). I was closer to my father and so this seemed to me to be her attempt to maintain some kind of connection with me in order to somehow pull me back into a relationship with her. My father understood what was going on and supported my stance any way he could. Over the next few years that women who gave birth to me would try to lure me back into a connection with her.
I have experienced this, having been judged for not wanting to attend family reunions, weddings or funerals, when the gossip has been so thick that the people there ignore me as though I was invisible. When I would begin to start a conversation by saying; “hello, so glad to see you” they are polite for a moment and then find a way to get away. It was as though they invited me to the party so I could see them ignoring me. It is almost amusing because they have talked about me anyway, just like you said, exactly like you said. The peace came back when I stopped going to the functions.
I have such an immense empathy for my family, but it took me to 40 to trust what I’m seeing for what it really is. I am different. I want to have healthy happy relationships with them all but I can’t seem to get close to them. I hate sounding like a victim, and I want to live what’s left of my life with some happiness…even if that’s not with them. It breaks my heart to turn away from them.
Kevin, I feel like you made this article for me. The timing of this is impeccable. And what you said about Churches idealising family dynamics, SPOT ON. It’s that spiritual bypassing “forgive and forget” and trying to use Religeon to justify their bad behaviour. I seem to recall a Bible verse saying “Whoever does not hate their mother, their Father, their brothers and sisters …and even their own life, can’t be my deciple”. DONE. 😏
It is the most difficult decision but..the most important!..You cannot begin to heal until you are far away from the toxicity…then you need to work on breaking trauma bonds and emeshment….because the truth is if you don’t it can slowly kill you…its a sacred passage of healing and there will be many tears..but..be brave of heart and have the courage to walk away from ANYONE who chooses to disrespect you…YOU ARE STRONGER AND MORE RESILIENT THAN YOU KNOW!.. the other side of this is too amazing to put into words…your inner peace and sovereignty is your greatest gift which you will then share with others…you become a Warrior of light and no one can mess with it again…blessings strength and love to all who are on the threshold of this life changing choice and huge respect and love to those who made it too the other side as I did…you are all EXCEPTIONAL!☺…and you brother Kevin are on fire👍..fantastic to see your sovereign power and truth shine bright…myahhh…💜
My siblings are envious and hate me. They have gossiped about me to extended family despair my trying for decades. Asking them directly how we can improve our relationship and move forward. They reject me. It’s beyond hurtful and so very sad to validate the suspicions that your family is really sick.
What I find interesting is that my Dad emigrated from Europe shortly after he got married in 1955. What he accomplished in his life is nothing short of amazing. He brought his whole family over, set them up with farms. My mother’s family did not follow. My parents had 8 children who thrive on gossiping and putting down each other – except me. I guess we were raised with a mother who was resentful. She never encouraged family unity or support. Unlike my father who did his best to regularly visit and spend quality time with his family. He noticed when I was struggling and left me notes of encouragement. I only wish I had saved those notes. Here was my father who blazed a path for his siblings and his large family. He worked hard. He noticed me – one of 8, and took time to support me. I am the only sibling who honors my father’s memory – the rest of them say terrible things about him. I just don’t see it that way. Mom played the victim card. My siblings are entrenched in their ways – and I let them go over 6 months ago. It’s been a blessing. Thanks for the article. I now seek out friendships/relationships that nurture me. That is my litmus test. If they cannot return support, then I let the friendship go. I’m here to please God, not people.
As a survivor of a narcissistic family, I’m still trying to get away from the family I’m stuck with, it’s just a matter of finding myself a home and a job which are both quite difficult to achieve right now. All I can do in the meantime is rely on my friends for support until then, and a lot of old friends cut ties with me because of my struggles, not that I blame them, the situation I’m in made me toxic which I don’t like. Being the bigger person has to be my main priority in order to survive for longer.
Had to do this, this year, at 30. My dad is a narcissist currently tormenting his second wife – I talked her, she knows what he is and is waiting until their son, my half brother, goes to college. He is still financially abusing me with my own money, as he controls my trust. It’s settlement money from a near fatal car accident as a kid. He watched me struggle with pain, PTSD, CPTSD, homelessness, going 3-4 days without food… I’m working on suing him, my lawyer wants 3x the max damages. My dad’s farther is a narcissist who basically abandoned his kids. Made my grandmother do everything while he went out and spent all of the money, partying and having affairs. Allegedly he said that he didn’t like his kids being around, least of all his daughter. My whole family is a big dysfunctional cult of awful parents and spouses that made the first 30 years of my life absolute hell and none of them care.
Hi Kevin !,, this really resonated with me,, I’m.going through hell with my toxic mother and sister,, I feel pulled into a nasty disfunctional web of deceit,, I finally told them to get on with their lives,, let me live mine in peace,, don’t call me,, I blocked their numbers,,my life and my sanity are was to important,,Enough is Enough!!
This article has given me some clarity & has helped me so much. I went no contact with my toxic parents & all 3 of my toxic siblings about a month ago. I even had my husband watch this article. My husband & 3 kids encouraged me to go no contact. This article encouraged me to go no contact. I’ve been completely no contact for about a month. Whenever I feel guilt & anxiety of going no contact creeping up on me, I have come back to this article & it has given me peace of mind, strength & reassurance. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom.♥️🙏
Amen, brother. So grateful to have stumbled on to your website. My half-siblings, all older than me, were never there for me, they never reached out to me after I found physical liberation at age 18 from a highly dysfunctional and toxic family — when I began the long journey of wrestling with my demons. Yet I always remembered their birthdays, sent them Christmas cards. When my first book was published by a renowned publisher, I was mighty proud and sent a copy to my half-siblings, with heartfelt dedication to each. Not one sent me an email to congratulate or thank me. I kept seeking, unconsciously, their approval and acceptance. It took me a long long time to realize that these people are not my family, and to cut them out of my life completely. I wish them all well, but I will never see them again.
You have a great way of putting my experience’s into words. Learning to live a new life without them is part of the healing process. I often reflect back to my childhood and ive realized that i was assigned a role in the family, instead of being encouraged to grow and become my own person, my rebellion to this helped me a lot and after no contact for 2 years, ive filled in some of the blanks that were filled in for me as child.
I am just beginning this journey of walking away from my entire family. have literally tried my whole life to develop a relationship with at least some of them. I am working on my nurse practitioner degree and therefore beginning a new life chapter. My mother, who is now deceased, had a systematic goal of eliminating me from my family because I was not the child she wanted. She told me every chance she got. She not only didn’t like me, but she did not want anyone else to like me either. My brother has since taken over this role and the pain is more than I can bear. So here I go. Wish me luck.
After many many years of hideous abuse in my family, I finally,ended connecting. I now have the knowledge of What Narcissism is. I had to recover from PTSD. Became a Christian over 30 yrs ago. That helped me with the gaslighting from hell directed at me. Just say “NO”.NO MORE. They got their backs up.I’m FREE, TY JESUS. NOW & Eternity.
I started to ignore my family in 2013. I had some learning difficulties as a kid, and I feel that my parents looked down at me for it. When I met their friends, I felt like they looked down at me too, like my parents had told their friends about me and given them false impressions. My parents also argued a lot when I grew up, and being rude and unfair towards me as well, and it has kinda given me some trauma. So for christmas 2014 my friend asked me to celebrate christmas with his family. I said yes, and I wrote a long letter to my parents about my bottled up feelings etc, and to this day I have no contact. They have tried to connect by letters and bugging a friend of mine at a cafe, but I feel to broken down and helpless around them to take them back.
There will come a time when you say, “enough is enough.” You are a person that deserves to be treated with love and respect. You cannot possibly grow if the sunshine is always being snuffed out by a storm. You will not love yourself and live a positive and flourishing life you absolutely deserve in the wake of a toxic person who purposefully hurts you and keeps you from true happiness.
Wow I can’t believe this so many stories I can’t believe I’m not the only one. I’ve been going through this my whole life. I went through a lot of physical abuse and mental abuse with my family and these last three to five years I’ve decided to stand up for myself. now it seems like I’m the hated person in the family because I stood it up for myself. I did not realize that so many people were going through this it must be a spiritual thing really.
Luv you man… described my family exactly, And I’m no contact and my mental state is perfect, I’m happy, confident, and succeeding like crazy, this year I’ve watched as all my goals unfolded in front of me, I completed my entire list of goals and more! My family likes to stand behind my back and point and laugh, or make below the belt gut punch comments at me non stop. They are evil, I seen their eyes black over.
I’m older than social media, this discussion is new to me and this isn’t traditional talk but it’s amazing how many people feel the same way. I naturally learned to remove myself from toxicity when I went into recovery. Shoutouts to Eckhart Tolle, The Power Of Now. Make peace with yourself and accept what is.
I am currently living with a mother who was a terrible, neglectful parent when I was a child. (She’s living in MY home now), I am dealing with a sister who is homeless due to many bad choices in her life and she has yet to own up to them and do something about them. I wanted initially to help these people because I have pretty severe co-dependence issues, but now I want them GONE. The only reason I went back into communication with my mother (something I had cut off for years!) was due to the loss of my step-father from CoVid in 2021. I flew out to Arizona, spent nearly a year there trying to get her back home. I couldn’t stay there forever, I had a life of my own at one point. Granted, it wasn’t the most fulfilling life ever, but it was certainly more peaceful than my life is now. All she does since I allowed her into MY home is take my space and behave as if she has the RIGHT to be there. Not the privilege, but the RIGHT. She is one of the most entitled people I’ve ever known. She believes everyone will do things FOR her, that she isn’t responsible for doing ANYTHING in her own life. I make the phone calls for her, I do the paperwork for her, the laundry, the EVERYTHING. I facilitated the entire move from Arizona to Maine, I gave her and her CATS (whom she was a terrible pet owner to because she can’t relate to the concept of nurturing) a home when no one else in the family would even SPEAK to her. It’s been months since we’ve been back in Maine. I can count on one hand the amount of times she has tried to do ANYTHING for herself.
Tks for this article, I had to make the hard decision in 2020 to cut off my mother, father, brother and (unfortunately eldest daughter) for ganging up on me and harassing my husband, myself and my youngest daughter. My mother decided to entertain my disobedient daughers’ behavior and stir everyone else up until we were made out to be the enemies. When she tried to include my youngest daugher in the mess, I said that was the last straw, I cut all of them off and I have nothing but peace in 2021. Not one single regret.
You saved me today, dude. I was disowned by family over the weekend, and I decided to cut ties with all of them permanently. I’ve been trying for 20 some years now, and I don’t belong. Just realizing that’s a really good thing that I don’t. My wife’s been telling me, “You won’t believe how happy you’ll be after this.” It really hurts right now, it’s real, invasive grief, but at some point, I’ll be me. Looking forward to discovering that person apart from who they’ve made me believe I am.
At age 23, I gave up on my toxic family back in india, and moved to Europe and started my life all over again from the scratch. The toxicity was so overwhelming and so terribly destructive to my personality and growth, that I had to run away simply to save my sanity and peace. 6 years later, I did a mistake to check upon them again for couple of years, and within a year I realized nothing has changed and will not change. I left again for the good and never returned back.
My father would always say it says honor thy father and mother even though he can cuss us out, threaten us, and just start mess ….those narcs always use the Bible when its convenient for them. I love when some folks say well that’s your father, or mother or whomever. Well if our relationship or dna connection wasn’t enough for them to treat me with respect, then why should I stay and just continue to be disrespected in the name of family… please 🙄… I’ve been no contact with my narc father for about 10 years and it was the best decision I made and also confronting made it easier for the rest of my family to confront him on his treatment towards them as well! Stay strong folks! Great article Kevin 😊
Thank you. My parents even abused me by forcing me to go to a pastoral psychotherapist for 6 years even though I expressed no interest in Christianity and I was suffering a psychosis. Hearing your words relaying a healthy message makes me happy. It’s time to move on from them I think, and no matter who you are, if you know, you know.
Thank you for this❤ “You can’t go back to them if you’re broke” this is the scariest part for me as a person with chronic physical illness. I regret so much not going to child protection when I was 16. I was afraid the social workers will take the youngest siblings in foster care and I didn’t know how the conditions may be. Very bad I assume, in a balkan country. But maybe they would’ve take only me. The system failed us.Probably I wouldn’t even be chronically ill now… And health is so expensive once you lose it so please be bold and open up about this while you are a teenager!!
At 70; with 4th stage cancer on therapy; for the first time I could take the decision of removing myself emotionally from my most toxic family member; my own sibling; my toxic family has cheated me with all my inheritances & finances all my life; made me a scapegoat for life; now for the first time I am healing my wounds !
Narc Monther, Enabling Father, Boarderline/schizoaffective dissiorder Sister @ 12 yrs older than me who I Mother and Parent. I’m so tired at 39. As an Empath, the doer, and the truth teller…. I belive No Contact may be the best thing I can do. I have run dry. I’m about to start therapy soon though. The therapist/life coach has a history background in Parental narc abuse similar to mine. I’m hoping for the best on my healing journey.
Been no contact with my Covert narcissist mother for six months. Haven’t gone completely no contact with my siblings because I’m afraid if something big comes up and I need money I’ll have nowhere to turn. You have given me so much motivation through this article! You’re right other people did come from nothing and survived!
I had to watch this again as my Mom tries to invite me to family Thanksgiving which I have refused to attend for many years because of their constant abuses. My poor innocent Mom just doesn’t “get it” as the clueless codependent; hope maybe this article might explain it better than I can. Peace without abusers.
Bam! They’re not like real people, no way to connect! Today was difficult, but it’s okay I found you. And everyone is opening up and sharing. Being in this environment feels like an embrace and pure love. Feels safe. I sincerely thank you Kevin for sharing your experience, faith & wisdom I would like to send that 💖 back at ya! I wish everyone strength, peace & love.
The Princess Diaries movie with Anne Hathaway reveals the truth of this clearly between her bff.. thankfully she gets it.. breaks away.. and forgives her. Also The Devil Wears Prada yikes or Bedazzled.. so many good movies tell the tale. It’s so hard to let go though and take action to separate from loved ones.. until you are set apart you will not know what you’ve been in.. it’s like breaking out of prison or worse.. hell. Do it! It’s worth it! Your life will be transformed and your joy reclaimed! The child inside you will live free once and for all time. Never go back. Fight for your life!💝
Thank you Man from India. I’m victim of brother’s abusive personality, he dictates his will on me. I tried a couple of times to live separately, but when I lived alone, I felt an attachment towards mother and brother this very attachment brought me into same dysfunctional family that I ran away from. Becoming financially self-dependent gives more power to get out of toxic family.
I just did it. I spent my whole life trying to have a voice with those people trying to earn some respect, even after I took responsibility and apologized for my personal behavior toward them they still act the same way they are still the same toxic people. I’ll never earn their respect I’ll never have a voice with them. I can have it as me in my new life now.
My mom been using me my whole life. She call me a day before payday to ask for money and I told her my heating unit went out that I had to buy an electric heater and me and my dog closed up in one room almost froze to death she completely ignored my situation and ask do I think I would have anything left to give her. I’ve been on my own since I was 16 and she see the drive and how far God has brought me despite odds of abuse etc. I’ve been buy her love and attention and conversation. No more !
I reminded myself of what you said the other day- When I was a kid I fantasized about leaving when I was 18 and the toxicity continued. When I was 18, the toxicity was still there (and I didn’t leave at that point). Thoughout my 20’s, the toxicity was there. The point is that when we think it’ll change, more than likely it won’t. With God all things are possible, but don’t count on it. I left at almost 31 b/c I wasn’t confident I’d be able to make it w/o thousands in the bank. Upon mentioning leaving, dad would always say how expensive everything is, trying to discourage me from branching out and becoming my own person. Sometimes he’d say “you need to get an apartment”, but then would say or do things to make me see that he didn’t want me to leave. When I left, things still weren’t perfect and I had next to nothing. The only thing I regret is not stepping out on faith and doing it sooner. I’d also leave quietly like I initially planned to do rather than tell them a couple weeks before I left to leave room for them to speak doubt into my situation. Funny thing is how they acted concerned for my wellbeing when I left and wanted to know what I’d do for money, but none of them offered assistance (except dad buying me a tv) or asked how my move went. They really weren’t there for me, not that I expected it anyway.
This message is soooooo” gooooood” thank you Kevin” wow on point” my oldest daughter” my father that passed away was narcissistic” it seem i can’t escape” now the mask has fallen off these family members” doing this pandemic” i need so bad to contact u” I’m so alone in this” so many flying monkey’s”” stay blessed💕💕💕
My father told me last week that he hoped my whole house would come crashing down on my head. I have been slowly going no contact over the years. Going no contact is easy now, I see him maybe 4 times a year and he has now caught on and uses that small time frame to deliver the greatest punishment and cruel words. He also now uses punishing my daughter to hurt me. I have explained to her that her grandfather has NPD and I am educating her so she knows the games he plays are not her fault. I told my father I refused to spend anymore of my life feeling bad about myself. To be honest I am afraid of the punishment that may come because I called him out in his sexual perversion and how many of my old male friends have told me he tried to pick up on them as young men. He used my mother and broke her heart. I called him on it for the first time. I told him no more. He’s 83 and I believe now I will not be seeing him again. I will never give him the chance to hurt me again.
I’ve been on the verge of just letting my older brother go for a long time. He just starts fights with me over how my parents live their lives and he tries to bully me into living a life the way he wants me to. I’ve let him go before but felt guilty because of my young nieces. But this time I’m about to let him go forever as he is threatening to take my parent’s cat and make it dissapear. I’m avoiding the confrontation but if he escalated it I’m gonna tell him I’m just going to move on with my life. I’m independent, I have my own family, I have a lot of money and a good job and I just don’t need him for anything, so if we don’t see eye to eye then THATS IT. In adult life, if family members just don’t see eye to eye then you just need to move on and live life away from them. It’s just going to always be toxic.
I’m finally about to leave my family as an adult. I currently don’t have much money and I know it will be tough at first but I know I will have the peace I’ve been craving ever since I was a child. I’m incredibly excited, and a little scared because like you said, I’ve never discovered myself outside of them. I fortunately have the support of a few other family members which is why I am going to be able to leave. (They’re loaning me enough money to move out) (Yes, I fully plan on paying them back) One of my biggest obstacles (besides money) is the guilt I feel. I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty, but I haven’t been able to shake it off.
Thank you for this article so true I am oldest out of 7, didn’t grow up with them did everything to bring them to USA, helped them back home, tried everything to be accepted but always rejected 😢, even went through breast cancer 🎀 they never came to help, I still went to forgive them, but still they don’t want me in the family 😢 I am just tired and there’s no explanation why they don’t like me. I don’t need them financially I am successful but it’s because society says so and bible to honor them, buti am tired I am suicidal because I don’t understand. But I have to put my foot down, I am 40 healing from breast cancer they clearly don’t care, they make fun how am emotional 😢, because I am always pouring out my feelings. 😫 😪 🥱 hope God can heal me 🙏🙏🙏
My mom and clients are the only ones that congratulated me on my future plans. Others told me there’s nothing out there and I should stay. I have a business now and I plan to open more different businesses in another state. My own older sister tried to discourage me because I do my homework and I value my time and research. I study and don’t spend my time on social media all day dumbing myself down. They try to destroy me but, I’ve had it and I’m leaving to go be even greater. Nice article!
I don’t like the idea that I’m the only one actually trying to heal and unlearn toxicity while narcissistic family is acting like they’re the sane ones and treating me like the insane one when I suffered ever since I was 4 with having selective mutism and being dehumanized by them,it makes me think I’m the insane one when I was just emotionally and physically tortured by this family system that descriminates disability and someone ” different ” now I’m going through so much, while I’m suicidal they tried to make me believe ” if I don’t snap out from mental illness I’ll die alone lonely” I feel like death is the only way to escape these assholes .The reason why I can’t distance myself from my controlling mother is because I’m chronically ill and have social anxiety ever since I had selective mutism that of course was left untreated growing up in an emotional ignorant family system.I don’t have any friends because of this and don’t even know how to help myself. I hate my life .
Tight knot families who think that only ‘as together they are mighty’ like ‘there is really no other’ are protecting some really odd behaviors and are both sheltering and harboiring some undeveloped awareness. They elude the majesty of what is solidarity, while being confined. Sure, you’d love to visit rather than stay. They however do not understand or give cause litteral to the meaning of being asked to leave. Black sheep of the family are the ones obligated to pick up the line and tow. Together in such together blinkers an orchestra of brash hypocracy. Being supportive of eachother takes a new role of being clutched between arsehole of illusively similar natures. I’ll be glad to find the front door away from toxic relationships such as these ✌, however so even into the arms and common place pitfalls of ‘a life’. Who needs friends when you got family 🙄 right? I’m sure not everyone can laugh. 😄
Kevin, I am a follower of Jesus and love Him, he’s my savior. Being the scapegoat of a highly narcissistic family, life has been difficult when it didn’t have to be. Whenever I bring up hurtful things done to me, and confront one of them they don’t apologize, but get aggravated I bring it up at all. My family is small, and yet I’ve never felt like I had a real family, because I really haven’t.I left early as I could, but it’s been tough, I was never taught the basics, or received real love. I try to forgive them, then bang! I discover something else … hurtful. It’s like Now I feel I can’t be good enough for Jesus either because it’s so hard to keep forgiving, and I have to start all over with forgiveness process . The Bible says if we don’t forgive, We won’t be forgiven either. It’s not like I don’t wont to forgive them, it’s that they won’t even look at what they’ve done, and it’s mind blowing.. They take and take but never reciprocate 🥺 How can I forgive them the very moment I discover something else has been done to me that is damaging? I’m so sick of it, it’s life sucking.
My whole life summed up in one article! Well here is where I am at now in the whole process for 6 years and going like the energizer bunny! They can eat my DUST!!!! Guess who needs some Bonnie!!!!!! Well keep on needing her!!!! Like I said before, I know what side of the fence I am on, My side! Me, myself and I side! It’s nice here!!!!!!! And for once in my life, I know my WORTH! And I am AMAZING!!!! And I actually found things that I love to do! And not waste my time on those that do not appreciate anything!!!!! Or let’s just say, find any opportunity they can to beat you down! I mean how dare me not talk to any of them, even though it started for the 50th time with them! Shame on me! NOT!!!!!!!!!! 🤣 🍃♥️Love from Texas♥️🍃
Thank you for the article but if I must say why I didn’t want to cut ties it’s because I didn’t want to be alone and when I finally did decide to cut ties now that I am alone I’m kind of afraid because now I don’t have anybody there for me for final decision to raise my daughter so in some cases it does go deeper than just not wanting to cut them off other things come with that
I agree….what I’m dealing with is being unintentionally addicted to them, my physical is feeling it and I know I’m feeling the tear but this is absolutely 💯 so painful. I just realized at age 49 that my mom and siblings actually hated, hated me. Like I was the last one to know, and I suppose naive, groomed to the abuse normal. Idk,it makes me sick that this was so painful, but I just realized as I’m writing this. I don’t want them around me now. I started feeling better about my person. Like I’ve been really depressed but strangely have a new confidence. Sounds weird I know, but I feel like I’m going to grow so fast bc I’m feeling it and recognizing a different woman in me and I like her .. OK 👍 I’m glad we talked ..🤣🤣😅.. isn’t that cool when that happens …Praise Jesus ..
I always have felt that if you like the messenger you will more willingly accept the message. Conversely if you despise the messenger you will reject the message. I really like you Kevin you’re a very likable dude. Of course smart of course experienced and of course qualified to give this type of advice and information, solution methods Etc. Almost 800 comments just to this article alone. You have built this website into a very powerful meaningful loving and compassionate community. Every comment helps everyone else. That is what you inspire Bravo dude!
I’m the only son. There me, my mother and my half sister. I’ve always been the target and punching bag of whatever seething frothing episodes of straight up anger both of them have had and still are subject to. One of the best…BEST….gifts I have is the ability to now just HANG UP THE PHONE when they start with their anger and “shaming language” towards me…. I can …just… HANG UP the phone and continue living my life….. Took me 55 years to learn this…. Thank you
After a horrific childhood and an evenso adulthood I went NC 13 years ago. My brother died last January. He was in the hospital for months where he also died and not a single soul visited him, not even his three daughters. He sabotaged every person that tried loving him so there was also not a single soul on his funeral either. I had to visit a grief therapist only to hear that sometimes people don’t grief but they feel relief. And that it’s okay. Costs me around 400€ to hear that but it was definitely worth it. Good luck to you all. And please, I hope you all realise with who we are dealing with. Narcissists are the devils soldiers. Make no mistake.
No more! Hi! Thank you! I’m leaving my family! Hah! Not physically, as we are already several states apart. I’m hanging on to one sister and one aunt. I have been afraid to separate myself until now! Thank you for helping me find the strength to do this—what I’ve wanted to do for a few years now! I already feel better as I break these toxic connections!
My fear of walking away from my family wasn’t being talked about it was that I would lose one of them permanently, and that exact thing happened when I lost my sister to a car crash last year and so now that my worst fear has come true now it’s even harder for me to separate from the rest of my family members who are still toxic, narcissistic and carefree about my feelings. So my fear is to be without them, even though I have been without the my entire life as far as emotionally mentally.
I glad that somebody talk about it loudly. That is sick to pretend that everything is normal, if it doesn’t. I even got very sick and completely lost myself to my dysfunctional narcissistic family. Focus only on yourself and your life. Don’t lie to yourself and you have to admit that you don’t come from a loving family that cares about your well-being, because they really don’t. Be health, happy and free, my friend
This is an outstanding article. Brother I thought my family was unique in how narcissistic they are and that maybe my wife and I were the problem. But I listened to you and read the comments and so many people with the SAME kind of family. We left the family three years ago and for the longest time questioned my decision but now I’m sure I’m made the right decision. Thank you!!
This article and many of the comments are speaking to me rn in a very hard time. 20 years old with two brothers I’m the only daughter to a single mother and my mother and brothers are all collectively abusive. It started with just my mother as a child everything was always my fault I always “ruined things for my brothers” I’ve adopted being the bad guy but it’s gone to far. I left home at 16 and made the mistake of coming back bc I wanted a relationship with my youngest brother (him and I were close before I left bc he was just a child) when I returned they made me feel guilty about leaving, my younger brother had been brainwashed, he joins in on the passive aggressive jabs and put downs and takes it as far as saying things like “it’s because you’re a woman” I feel unsafe and uncomfortable living with them. I’m sad to be alone and family is very important to me but I know my chosen family is out there somewhere with love and open arms, not judgment. I am pre meditating leaving and in the process of doing so. I know once I go I can’t come back this time. I don’t want to be a grown adult and realize that I should have left so I’m doing it now that I’m young, I’ve endured enough over 20 years and I’m ready for my new life and purpose.
Story of my life until I met my husband and went no contact. We live a peaceful life without toxicity. My father loved comparing me to my younger brother who went overseas and I was the one doing something with his life while I was considered a failure playing parent cooking cleaning and over compensating for my brother’s wild ways. To tell the truth now that I’m older I realise that I was a good daughter. All I needed was the love and nurturing that I often gave to others. My parents never supported anything I ever did. While my brother got everything under the sun to get ahead in life. I picked up the pieces away from my family and have built myself up late in life. Opened my own business and now ready to study psychology next year. All through the love and support I get from my husband. I will continue to take steps to heal.
Thank you for this. I’m a 51 year old only child of a Covert Narcissistic 79 year old mother, and have been no contact for almost three months now, and I’m okay with not having contact with her ever again because of the mental anguish she put me through, but I still need to be reassured every now and then that I’ve done the right thing because I still feel responsible for her.
Thank you so much. You’ve described my situation PRECISELY. For 3 decades and some, I have tried to be a part of the family and it got worse with each attempt and year. I’m going to listen to this everyday. I’ll have cut them off for a year by January4th. Going back there is out of the question. For the children I’m yet to have and marriage. Anyone who tries to pressure me or blackmail me, I’ll simply share this with them.
Going No Contact finally set me free. It’s been 5 days now, I’ve seen how each day the trauma-bond is melting away, that oppressive spirit of their scapegoating I was imprisoned by having lost its power over me. My heart & spirit has been in complete peace & calm since going No Contact 5 days ago. Each day I’ve let go more & more and as I do I’m discovering myself as a separate, unique, differentiated individual with the freedom to create the life I desire.
I noticed there was trash talk going on when identical phrases were coming at me by 2 & 3 family members. It hurt. I tried to be observant and let everyone just be who they were. At times trying to defend myself, to no avail. Fast forward 18 years… a lot has changed with me. Nothing, it seems has changed with them. I was so terribly hurt for years. I still grieve the relationships that I never really had with them. BUT now I understand. And it does help .
I just found your website and this is so relatable to my family situation. My mom is basically the source of all the dysfunction in my family, and while she’s not a full-blown narcissist she has a degree of those traits. Over the years she’s also rubbed off on my dad who has awareness of it, and because of her toxic parenting she always favored my brother over me because I was the only one brave enough to be myself and express my emotions – even though I was never taught how to control my emotions or to believe that they were valid. How could I? Nobody wanted to talk about their feelings or solve problems, just act like everything is A-Ok. And my brother used to devalue me since I was the “black sheep” who didn’t fit in, like he was embarrassed to be seen near me. But now years later the tables have turned, and I’m now the one with my life together and going places while the rest of them stay stuck in their codependent ways. My brother even had the nerve to act shifty and aloof at my wedding, but his little act didn’t shake me. I knew exactly what was going on, just jealousy at its finest. What a coward! Anyway, thanks for sharing the article! 😊
I can attest to this kind of family…especially my mother who always belittle me and physically hurt me as a kid. Now I realize that self love is most important…so so done with there mind control me that I’m evil…now I’m giving myself and my own family a break from this vicious cycle to my parents,2 brothers, and my evil nieces who are self centered. I’m praying to God to heal me and also my family…
This is refreshingly frank honesty right here! It took me 46 years to remove myself entirely and go no contact after they physically threatened me and my son, and also threatened to destroy both of our futures for pushing back on their twisted lifestyles (not to mention all the physical and emotional abuse over the years). To anyone afraid of taking that step – yes, you go against the natural order of having a blood tribe, and yes – it can feel a bit lonely at first. But trust me, you can make your own true tribe of people you choose to spend time with – and life is so SO much better without the constant conflict/gaslighting. Block, block, block and the minute the flying monkeys roll in – swat them away, they do not have your best interests at heart.