In the midst of intense relationships, it is essential to take a break and give your partner space. Loving too much can make your partner feel suffocated, leading to a relationship that may fail. To break the pattern of loving too much in relationships, it is important to teach yourself what healthy relationships look like. This article contains practical tips on how to stop loving someone too much, including accepting that you still love them, setting boundaries, practicing self-compassion, and prioritizing self-acceptance.
In a romantic relationship, love can be too much when it is already damaging to the couple. To stop loving someone too much, you will mostly need distance from them and give yourself time to heal. Follow these steps at your own pace, and you will gradually start feeling better.
- Distance yourself from the person you are loving. It is time to step back and stop trying to change or control the other.
- Reasons why loving someone too much kills the love include wanting the best for the other person, making hobbies a priority, getting to the root of past relationship problems, spending time with friends and family, taking a step back, focusing on goals, planning alone-time each day, and opening lines of communication.
- Be selfish and think about your goals and how much this obsession is damaging your short and long-term goals.
- Develop new relationships. It is time to step back and stop trying to change or control the other, making yourself responsible for their life and happiness.
- Identify relationship needs and set some boundaries. Stop being available always or being overly dependent. Learn to trust your partner and acknowledge the truth of the situation.
- Accept what the love meant to you. Look to the future. Although it is not true that too much love will kill you, it can lead to unhealthy and sometimes damaging dynamics between partners.
- Draw strong boundaries. “Loving too much” is often a sign we are not drawing proper boundaries. Healthy relationships, such as romantic, parent/child, and friendships, can be built on mutual respect, affection, and showing.
| Article | Description | Site |
|---|---|---|
| How to stop loving (too much) and start living 1 | When you love too much, you lose sight of what is happening around you, you become obsessed with one person and forget about everything else. | medium.com |
| How to Stop Giving Too Much in a Relationship | 1. Confirm you’re giving too much · 2. Make your hobbies a priority · 3. Get to the root of your past relationship problems · 4. Spend time with … | marriage.com |
| Break the toxic habit of loving too much | It is time to step back and to stop trying to change or control the other, to stop making yourself responsible for their life and happiness. | counselling-directory.org.uk |
📹 Do You Feel You’re Giving Too Much in Relationships? (Matthew Hussey)
Hey everyone! So many of you have been asking me questions this week relating to the crisis: managing your emotions, knowing …
What Is The Highest Form Of Love In A Relationship?
Agape, or selfless love, is recognized as the highest form of love, characterized by its unconditional nature and lack of expectations for reciprocity. It stems from a conscious decision to spread love, even in challenging situations. The concept of love can be classified into various categories, notably based on classical philosophies and JA Lee's 1973 work, "Colors of Love." Among these types are Eros (passionate love) and Ludus (playful love), highlighting the spectrum of human affection.
Agape encompasses altruism and represents a devotion that seeks the well-being of others. In Christian teachings, Agape is identified with God's love and is central to spiritual beliefs. Philosophers like Plato suggested that true love combines forms such as Philia and Eros, leading to profound connections. The essence of Agape lies in empathy and genuine care, differentiating it as a divine expression of love.
Despite various types of love—familial, self-love, or obsessive—Agape remains supreme as it transcends conditional relationships, promoting a sense of deep respect and understanding among individuals. Ultimately, Agape embodies the ideal connection, rooted in openness and trust, guiding us toward the pursuit of a fulfilling life.
What Is The Give Him 3 Days Rule?
The "Give Him 3 Days Rule" serves as a guideline for individuals navigating romantic relationships, particularly after conflicts or initial dating encounters. This rule involves taking a three-day hiatus from communication—no texting, calling, or any form of contact—to gauge whether the other person will make the first move. The rationale behind this strategy is to prevent desperation and to create a healthier dynamic by allowing both parties to reflect on their feelings and intentions.
The rule can also be applied after arguments, providing both partners with time to cool off and avoid saying hurtful things in the heat of the moment. During this break, individuals are encouraged to engage in introspection and self-awareness rather than impulsive reactions. This pause helps to mitigate emotional volatility and can lead to more constructive discussions once contact resumes.
Notably, this approach aids in establishing boundaries and respect within the relationship. If the partner does not reach out after three days, it may signal a lack of investment in the relationship, prompting a reevaluation of feelings and future interactions. The "3-Day Rule" ultimately empowers individuals to prioritize their emotional well-being while fostering healthier communication patterns, whether dating or resolving disputes. Applying this rule can lead to deeper understanding and stronger connections over time.
What Causes Too Much Love In A Relationship?
Loving too much can lead to the loss of personal identity and codependency on a partner, making independent functioning difficult. This excess affection often results in a lack of boundaries, jealousy, and emotional manipulation. While love is generally viewed positively, it can become overwhelming and unhealthy when it ignores the other person's boundaries. One common reason individuals might love excessively is a feeling of unworthiness, leading to behaviors that may cause harm.
Signs of loving too much include constantly prioritizing the partner's needs over one's own, feeling overly dependent, and sacrificing personal desires. Such behavior can lead to relationship issues like anxiety and depression, a concept sometimes referred to as "toxic love disorder." Although initial intensity in a new relationship may be exciting, it can quickly turn suffocating, causing partners to feel overwhelmed. It’s crucial for individuals to set healthy boundaries and recognize where their urge to "love too much" stems from.
Addressing the root cause allows for the development of healthier relationship practices. It’s important to maintain balance in relationships; good partnerships require mutual giving and taking. Therefore, self-awareness and moderation in expressing love are essential to ensure emotional well-being and relationship health.
Why Do People Love Too Much In A Relationship?
People often love too much in relationships due to feelings of unworthiness or a fear of being alone. Growing up in an environment where one was a caretaker may contribute to this tendency, leading individuals to prioritize their partner's happiness over their own. While love is generally viewed positively, an excessive display can suffocate partners and create unhealthy dynamics. Loving too intensely can blind individuals to their partner's flaws and can result in an imbalanced relationship where one person invests more emotionally than the other.
Signs of loving too much include neglecting oneself and maintaining a relationship that lacks mutual feelings. Healthy love should not overwhelm or disregard boundaries; it becomes problematic when it affects emotional well-being. People may justify excessive love by hoping to change their partner’s feelings, leading to denial about the relationship's true nature.
Ultimately, it's essential to find a balance. Genuine love is unconditional but should not come at the cost of one’s mental and emotional health. It's important for individuals to focus on themselves and ensure their love does not become suffocating or unhealthy. Recognizing and addressing the tendency to love too much can help restore balance and promote healthier relationships.
How To Stop Loving Someone Too Much In A Relationship?
To stop loving someone and begin the process of moving on, there are several key steps to follow. First, acknowledge the truth of your feelings and accept that it takes time to heal. Start by identifying your relationship needs, determining what you want from future connections, and setting healthy boundaries. Reflect on the significance of your past relationship while looking forward to what lies ahead.
It's important to give yourself space, which may mean limiting or cutting off contact altogether. Distance is vital for emotional recovery. Recognize if you’ve exhibited co-dependency, as relying too much on someone can hinder your growth.
Engage in self-care: keep busy, nurture other relationships, and engage in activities that enrich your life. This might include exercise, healthy eating, and exploring new places. Accept any feelings of grief and understand that it’s natural to process the end of a romantic relationship gradually.
By defining your core values and recognizing how your feelings for this person may conflict with them, you can begin to disentangle emotions that no longer serve you. Emphasizing the need for personal growth and learning what healthy relationships look like are essential for your emotional well-being. With patience and effort, it's possible to move forward and potentially forge a platonic friendship in the future.
What Is It Called When You Love Too Much?
Obsessive love can lead individuals to treat their partners as possessions, often rooted in mental health challenges or delusional disorders. While "obsessive love disorder" is not widely recognized by health professionals, feelings of disappointment and frustration can arise when affection is unreciprocated. Love characterized as "too much" suggests emotional harm, indicating an unhealthy attachment that overshadows genuine feelings. When one loves excessively, they may prioritize their partner's needs over their own, risking neglect of crucial relationship issues.
This intense emotional state can manifest as "lovesickness," impacting normal behavior. Research suggests that such overwhelming emotions may point to a lack of true love, as authentic affection prioritizes the other person's well-being. Furthermore, behaviors associated with loving too much, such as insecure-anxious attachment, often lead to feelings of rejection and anxiety. This can create an unhealthy cycle of dependency, heightened by the early stages of infatuation or codependent tendencies.
Obsessive love can overwhelm partners, leading them to feel suffocated and eroding individual identities. Consequently, such intense love is often perceived as detrimental, potentially resulting in relationship failure due to excessive emotional intensity.
What Is Emophilia?
Emophilia, also termed emotional promiscuity, refers to the tendency of individuals to fall in love quickly and oftentimes excessively. People with emophilia experience intense, passionate feelings towards romantic interests over a brief period, showing a persistent inclination to develop strong attachments across multiple relationships. Unlike anxious attachment or sociosexuality, emophilia denotes a unique psychological pattern marked by a desire to be in love, often disregarding potential red flags.
The term was introduced by psychologist Dr. Daniel Jones to encapsulate this phenomenon. High emophilia may lead to unhealthy relationship dynamics, as individuals may rush into emotional investments without considering the consequences. Signs include a rapid attachment to new partners and an overwhelming desire for romantic connections. While the concept may echo ideas like love at first sight, emophilia highlights a deeper, more frequent emotional engagement.
It has been linked to risks associated with emotional volatility and impulsivity. Understanding emophilia involves recognizing its psychological traits, impacts, and coping mechanisms. The condition not only affects romantic relationships but also poses questions about emotional management and attachment in love. Overall, emophilia offers insights into the complexities of love and emotional connectivity in romantic pursuits.
How Can One Lose Love Handles?
To address the issue of "over-loving" your partner, it's essential to create distance in the relationship by spending more time with friends. This can cultivate feelings of happiness and self-worth. Regarding physical health, "love handles," or excess fat around the waist, can result from various factors like genetics, hormonal imbalances, and inactivity. While completely eliminating love handles may not be feasible for everyone, it is possible to reduce them with the right approach.
A balanced diet and regular exercise are crucial for managing this stubborn fat. Key strategies include understanding fat loss science, tracking food intake, and prioritizing high-intensity interval training (HIIT) and strength training. Targeted exercises like side planks and oblique crunches can effectively tone the area. Additionally, dietary changes, such as reducing added sugars, can aid in this process. Overall fat loss through consistent cardio and nutrition adjustments is the most effective method for reducing love handles.
Effective workouts can include a combination of ab exercises and aerobic activity, emphasizing the need for both dietary and fitness changes to see significant results. By incorporating these approaches, it is possible to minimize love handles and promote better health overall.
Why Should I Stop Loving Someone?
When faced with the challenge of stopping love for someone who may not have your best interests at heart—due to harmful behaviors like abuse or infidelity—the process can be emotionally taxing. It's crucial to relieve the pressure to stop loving; moving on isn't as simple as flicking a switch. Instead, embrace your feelings, acknowledge them honestly, and seek coping strategies. Rejection, whether due to unreciprocated affection or a relationship's end, can amplify these feelings.
Reasons for wanting to stop loving someone vary, often involving conflicting values, communication issues, or previous emotional intimacy. Experts suggest practical steps such as keeping busy, reflecting on why the relationship ended, and allowing yourself to grieve. Building a supportive network and challenging negative thoughts can help. It’s important to understand that falling out of love isn’t a personal failure; it may stem from growth and changing interests.
Additionally, distractions, engaging in hobbies, and minimizing social media exposure can assist in the healing journey. Remember that feeling love doesn’t equate to foolishness, and it's okay to carry that love with you, even as you learn to move forward. Ultimately, focusing on your future and personal growth is key to overcoming the emotional weight of unreciprocated affection.
How Can I Stop Over-Loving My Partner?
To curb over-loving your partner, start by stepping back from the relationship. Spend more time with friends to boost your happiness, self-worth, and engage in meaningful conversations. If the relationship feels intense, aim to take a breather; not necessarily a break, but give yourself some space. Loving too much can lead to losing your self-identity, as you may sacrifice your needs for your partner’s happiness. Establish boundaries and practice self-care by doing something for yourself each day.
Control your contact frequency after recognizing your feelings, setting clear boundaries, and learning to say "no." Reducing communication, unfollowing on social media, and distancing physically can help. Engaging in hobbies and nurturing other relationships allows you to refocus on yourself. Acknowledge your feelings and the love you have, while slowly moving forward. Understand relationship needs and accept your situation, giving yourself the space to heal.
This process requires self-awareness, patience, and possibly even some self-control techniques. Compromise your feelings, tackle past relationship issues, and align love with your core values like "honesty" or "passion." By creating distance and prioritizing self-care, you can successfully navigate the complexities of love and restore balance in your life.
📹 Giving Too Much in a Relationship? Do THIS to Stop!
———————– If you’re an over giver and you tend to always give too much of yourself in relationships, it can make you feel …
A person who’d abandon you for voicing your needs was going to eventually abandon you anyway. Things like respect, communication & honesty shouldn’t be negotiable. They’re the minimum. If someone can’t even give you the minimum, why prolong the inevitable? Suffering in silence over silent expectations not met is the most cruel thing to do to yourself. If you avoid voicing your needs, you not only strip yourself of having met needs, you strip the other person of their chance to meet your needs & show you that they’re capable of & willing to have your back. Fear of abandonment or being misunderstood is understandable b/c we’re all human. But remember, what makes relationships so fun & worthy is in knowing that you found the 1 person you can be your complete vulnerable self with. If you can’t even be that with someone, that defeats the purpose of choosing them out of billions of people/options to be with. Give yourself the permission to speak & live in your truth. The right person will respect you for having a voice, not abandon you for it
As I guy, this is basically how I live my life, and I’m sure a lot of men go through this too. I am someone who gives gives and gives, and I hardly ever receive. My relationship is probably 90/10, and that’s being generous, and it is quite painful when you are with someone you love so much, you give them everything, basically hand them over your self and soul, and that person in return does nothing and gives you nothing. And I am not talking about material things, I am talking about everything in general. I know this article is aimed towards women, but I can’t help to think that men actually suffer from this far more, because society today expects men to be the support, the pillars of the relationship. In many relationships (not all), the woman rely on men, but who do we rely on? In my case, I have no one to rely on but myself. And the funny/ironic thing is that if someone came to me and told me that his/hers relationship was anything like mine, I would with no hesitation tell them “leave him/her” but when you are living it, it’s a whole different story. I feel like I am being taken advantage of, and despite knowing that, it’s hard to leave, especially when you have invested nearly 10 years into the relationship. The thought of leaving and having to start fresh is very scary, and emotionally taxing… The sad part about this is that many men suffer like this, but we have no one to talk to, because if we open up about it, we are seen as weak and unreliable, so we have to suffer in the shadow and alone, while pretending to be ok when we are not.
This is the best lesson I’ve ever learned. Putting yourself first in a relationship isn’t a bad thing – it’s necessary. This includes communicating your needs, standards, and boundaries. I am a much happier person and better partner because I learned to have honest, hard conversations with people. I may wear my heart on my sleeve, but I don’t just give it away at the same time. Great article 👍🏻
This is me bro. Sometimes people just don’t give back to you and then you don’t feel like giving that much anymore because people take advantage of you. Especially those people you thought were your friends don’t seem to appreciate all that I do for them. Give to those people who deserve your time and energy rather than wasting it on people who never reciprocate…
I no longer know who I am. I’ve been putting so many masks throughout my life just to please others I never really gave all the love and care I really needed to myself first, that’s why I’m here. Re-learning and reworking things so that I can heal from within. Hope I will so that I can truly love and receive the love I deserve 🙏
I like how you said “continue to give, but communicate your needs” All other advice I’ve received was “stop giving, or don’t give so much”. Sadly, I did exactly what you recommend toward the end of my last marriage. I tried communicating my needs, even saying “no” to all the constant requests for help. In marriage counseling she accused me of “only giving to get”. I was shocked and floored. We didn’t last much longer after that.
This is so true for all of my friendships. Thank you for pointing this out for me. I realize that I do not want to point things out because I know that people will leave, and I feel unworthy of having my needs met, then eventually realizing that pointing things out only makes people pretend to meet my needs, for none other than pleasing me. I feel unworthy of being pleased. Everything makes sense now..
I learned from my Mother. She burned her candle in both ends for everyone. It really hurts perusal someone burning themselves out. I am also a giver, but I have learned to only give what I can afford. If I am given something in return I can give more and also really express my gratitude. Put the oxygen on yourself before helping others. 🙂
Hey Matt! Thank you for the article. I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and I’ve come to an important conclusion that throughout years of constant bullying in school and criticism from my loved ones (I am now 23), my self worth has been extremely damaged and now I’m picking up the pieces and trying my hardest to know my worth. I’ve recently discovered the truth behind my “therapist friend” personality, I tend to always want to help people and go the extra mile for them, I do all that I have in my power to give and recently realized how little or none at all that I receive it back. I came to realize that I’m doing my best to keep them, because I always feel like when I meet new people, once they get to know me, they’ll feel disgusted and leave. Deep down, I know how weird I am, and I’m afraid that if I don’t mask my personality well enough and act as appealing to others as possible, no one will stick around. I do show the real me, so people do know what I’m like, I share my interests but cautiously, I don’t want to weird them out too much that they leave. Instead, I talk to them about what they like, what they think, I make it about them.
There is a possibility that giving someone less makes someone happier. I was seeing this guy who was terrible with boundaries and he became so resentful towards me because he was doing things (that I never asked him to do) and giving up things (that I never asked him to sacrifice.) It made me so anxious because I felt like I had to guard his boundaries for him, which was very taxing for me. I felt tapped: either I had to correctly guess his boundaries or risk him being angry and terse with me. Eventually, this led to an explosive fight and came to the conclusion that him doing what he was doing was hurting both of us, and by trying to guess his moods and guard his boundaries for him, I was enabling it. It had to stop, and since that fight it has. It felt so much better once he took the responsibility for guarding his own boundaries. It was freeing for me, and I was so much happier with less of him “with a better energy” rather than him being resentful.
I am a very nurturing loving person who held back in my last relationship as he had a problem with anxiety and I didn’t want to force him to be affectionate. When I asked for basic couple acts of affection; cuddling, arms around me, lightly touching my back he thought I was breaking up with him.. and did it first. I tried to encourage him by telling him that I really enjoyed it when he held my hand or kissed my neck.. but he always thought I was being judgemental of him. When we met he said that I would have to initiate because he would never do it. I am not interested in someone that does not have mutual attraction in me. I am worth it!!
So true. This applies to any relationship, whether its platonic or romantic, it’s so important for us to recognise when we’re giving energy to someone who isn’t giving that back to you. I call them the Vampires in your life. People who suck the energy from you but don’t give back. Let go of the vampire in your life 🙂 Thanks Matthew, an inspiration for me and my website every day 😊
I told my partner my needs and all I was given was “okay I get it”….and I’m aware I have an anxious attachment style, but if im going through a personal struggle and I turn to my partner to complain and ask what I need right now and just not even get it back hurts me so much. I see the red flags, but when I bring it up he plays victim and it makes me feel bad
For me, it’s not a fear of him leaving if I express my needs. I don’t believe that I am worthy or good enough just as I am so I over-give and overcompensate for my own perceived lack of value. I am not worthy of love as I am, so I will be this person that I believe I’m supposed to be and who I think I need to be to be worthy.
This is brilliantly said..it’s so important to speak your needs. It’s also a good indicator of a healthy relationship if you can say how you feel and the other person is sensitive to it and understands you that’s the ticket. Be wary of people who make you feel like you can’t speak up and respond with insensitivity, disdain, or simply no reaction this is not healthy. As a recovering pleaser I realize the new depths a relationship can get to if you state your feelings, be unapologetic for who you are, stop doing things to get approval.
Thank you matt. honestly your advice are so appreciated you give me hope of getting through and that life can be better if i just fix a few little things that arent all that bad. you are probably one of the first person to help me feel understood. like you can put some words to my pain and that my guy is absolutely precious
I love what you say; when we are not authentic, when we are keeping things to ourselves just to be loved or accepted, it does not mean anything to be loved for that version as we deeply know that it is not Exactly who we are. We cant be mad at people or turn our internal struggle on to other people. Lets just be honest and authentic however crazy we are. If we love our crazy, we can find the real thing that loves that crazy too.
I did this for 8 years and ended up deciding one morning that I don’t want this relationship and it’s over. I blindsided someone and left them which would have been absolutely shocking. Of course there is more to my story but it taught me that I needed to self evaluate and realise that I needed to learn how to be open about my needs and wants and how I really feel about situations. I’m with someone new now and I communicate everything and he sees me and he respects me and he appreciates all that I am and what I desire in life.
You see, giving is good but too much giving can set you up to be in a severely imbalanced relationship or just plain being taken advantage of. I want to put this out there: sometimes the most goodhearted people are the most at risk for being in a relationship with a taker. Goodhearted people give lots of chances, they see the best in people and they give the benefit of the doubt. Realizing that you’ve given way more to your relationship than your partner can be frustrating. But you can turn it around without making a big deal out of it. If you give yourself space, practice self-care, and communicate your needs as you go along, your relationship can be as balanced as it can be. Here’s my main point: Take your time in relationships to really vet out your partner and vet out your own issues around giving. When a good thing goes to the extreme it becomes a not so good thing anymore. Being a reliable partner is great, but being the only reliable partner in the relationship, not so good. You get what I’m saying?! It can be easy to say you are just being a good partner or that you partner just really appreciates how you meet all their needs, but make sure the person you are with is meeting your needs too. Thank you, Matthew. You inspire me to keep making articles.
Thanks to this article my eyes are opening. The first thing my boyfriend said to me was “I love surprises”, so that’s what I did, because I love to organise them and receive too, when he would talk nostalgicly about gymnastics, I would look for a trampoline place, but when I kept saying I wanted to hike with him he NEVER offered to take me or even try to organise it, he only had to tell his wish once and I fulfilled it because I loved loved him.. and then the asshole he always was revealed itself, he broke up with me when I needed him the most, my grandma just died 2 days prior, and he dumped me by text..
You just described my last relationship. I’m glad I finally got the courage to be the one to end it only 7 months in when it was clear they would never give what I needed. I’d been trying to work on my self-worth for years and thought it was better than it was, but that relationship taught me exactly what you said — I still deep down don’t believe I am worthy of being given my needs. Just trying to find ways each day to show myself that I am.
This is exactly what I’ve felt for a long time with a lot of my friends, but I’ve never said it because I’m in general an open guy so saying this probably wouldn’t hold the same value as it should, since I say open stuff like this often. I don’t wanna sound selfish, but who cares it’s not selfish to ask for what I feel like is the reciprocation I deserve
Such a good lesson, thank you so much Matthew, I’m having that problem with my boyfriend, I just feel that I’m giving my absolute everything and he’s really not that into it. I always hide this issues and continue on with the relationship because I’m afraid of losing him. I spent hours thinking and wishing that he would give more to our relationship. I tried to tell him once, but I’m kind of bad expressing my emotions, I always get nervous and don’t like to talk about it. When I told him about it he literally just told me that if I was feeling bad we should just break up. But you see ? I was pissed because he could try to understand, and if we share this true connection it would’ve been different.
So spot on, i have been giving all my energy to a friendship that felt like she was my sister and then like maybe when i needed her to be present, to see each other she just disapeared little by little.. and also so true about the self worth part. I do not feel worthy to receive all the things i gave or that the other person can meet my need, growing up with parents that didn’t met them at all has created this belief
This partially resonates with me, I keep going out of my way to give others at the expense of myself, cos i feel like its what I should do as a human being, and I hope if all humans help each other, the world will be a better place. It’s not that I feel like I don’t deserve the same in return, its more like I rarely need the help from others, but when i need, i do ask. Regardless, I noticed that this leads to frequent burnouts for me, as I keep giving and not noticing its toll on my emotional well-being. Thanks for the article, it made me learn that I should balance my well-being with my want to help others.
I’m a giving a person and this is a trait I’m working on because I’ve learned that been a giving a person,you give in love however the person on the receiving end does not see it that way and sometimes you end spoiling the other person and then when they actual want something from you feel already empty but keep going . There is a time when you think that the other person selfish and insensitive or even love you . It’s been a hard lesson to learn, I’ve not been in a relationship for 12 yrs because of this trait so still work in progress.
so true. I learned i have to do that, even if it risks ending it. What i dislike is when people then tell you, that they just reach out because you want them too (making you sound like a manipulator and them sound like a holy knight). I have to (re-)learn to listen to my intuition more, if a relationship of any kind does feel right, or if i just want it to feel right and then believe it is, because the lie is more pleasant to look at than the truth.
Well, they say that we get influenced by certain people because they represent our deep desires to be like them. Confident, self aware, self loving etc etc. So, I guess we should be thankful to such people for showing where we want to actually see ourself. Its painful but -“Take the input and level up.”
This is so crazy for me to watch this article now, I’ve been wanting so much from the guy I’m dating and I give give give, and he doesn’t give anything back. Like omg I’m speechless I’m 6 months in and I’ve been beating myself up about how I can talk to him. But I sat and worked on how to approach the conversation and was confident and stern about what I will not accept. He actually shut up and listened, thank you so much for making this article.
Thank you for this great article Matthew. Wow it has taken 55 years to realise but this is me, I have always done this in my relationships. I am always putting my partner first. I want to try and please them so they stay. My recent relationship of 5&1/2yrs has just ended with someone I thought was my life partner. This is the hardest heartbreak I have ever felt as I put everything into the relationship but I didn’t get back what I needed. So many red flags that I ignored. Thank you for helping me see what I need to do now❤️
I truly believe I am a giver and will do it with a cheerful heart. To the point that I ‘pump the brakes’ on the stuff I want to do so I dont look “desperate”. I don’t expect anything in return nor do I do things so I can ask a favor later. I go out of my way for female friends too. But the thought of being taken advantage of later, or laughed at DESTROYS me. What ensues is a constant battle to fight my own nature vs. looking weak to others. I wish I could end this singlehood and move forward with a healthy commitment so i don’t have this internal conflict. I would love to nurture my nature in a safe place where it would be well received.
It will be interesting to see how the dating culture changes after COVID.I honestly think it will be a moral reset for most. The “easy sex” no strings attached casual relationships won’t be safe nor desirable anymore. Why put your health at risk with random men you don’t even know? I think this may be the end of the casual hookup culture for the most part. Maybe people will see value in having a partner after they have lived in isolation quarantined for months.
I almost watch most of your articles, & am really surprised how much you could understand me & how I feel ! The more I watch the more I figure out that there’s hope! Someone somewhere understand what is going on through with me, the amusing thing is “there’s a solution !! ” No matter I write won’t be enough, maybe a simple”thank you’❤️ would be good,,,
So true. This reminds me of a friend of mine. She claims that she is a giver (I also am) but if you complain to her about anything she gets furious and thinks that you don’t love her or that you have a bad opinion about her. I’ve walked away. We are no longer friends. And of course, now to her and her cycle… I am the bad person who never was a real friend to her.
Amen Matthew to another amazing article. I practiced at all ready for the last couple of years since I started researching as to why I was struggling to find a relationship and I actually found you LOL and I started reading like crazy people don’t like it when you set boundaries and you have standards it is mind-blowing how people think they deserve to treat you the way they want. It’s definitely made me a much stronger person so thank you for your articles keep them up
Thank you Matthew! You posted the article on the right time for me. I am just going through a break up. My ex ask for space because he think I am a nurse, that I would have a big chance to expose to the Coronavirus, he didn’t want his son exposed to any of that. I expressed my understanding, and told him how I felt with the decision he made. He thought we are on a different level emotionally and mentally. He stopped reaching out. Showed no concern at all. at the same time, he never gave up on seeing his friends even though the COVID 19 cases are skyrocketing in the US.
I really needed this. I felt like I was super giving towards this guy I was seeing but I never really told him what I needed. He barely texted me the day of his birthday and I was going to bring him mini cakes but he didn’t text back at all until the next day in the afternoon. I was really hurt but never told him I was. I became really passive and just let it go. And this was just last Saturday on March 14th. And then he just ended things with me this past Thursday March 20th. I gave too much materialistically but not enough of my heart and feelings to him. I definitely should’ve communicated with him in strength. I also didn’t feel worthy of my needs being met. We live about 30 miles away from each other and I would never ask him to come out to see me because I didn’t want him to drive so far to see me but I would always always drive out to see him. He told me I didn’t put in enough effort into the relationship and he felt no emotion. We only started going out in January and I definitely think I should’ve done things differently 🙁
I am the kind of person always give too much until the relationship exploded. The reason I don’t like to communicate is always because I feel if he loves me, he should have done so and so. Not that I tell people how to love me. Love is a nature thing. If I need to teach a person how to do so, the principle things, that means he doesn’t love me. I started to rethink about this lately. Maybe I should give it a try. Not decide yet.
I am literally in a survival situation. My entire life is having to be fake to survive. Every single time I ask for my needs to be met, people look at me like I’m a monster. I finally started taking care of my own needs & now I’m isolated, but at least I’m not dating some awful person. And I just got laid off so now I have to get along with other awful people again. I agree that many people aren’t honest that they want their generosity reciprocated. I know I’m worthy & I communicate clearly when it is safe to do so. I just don’t know how to be honest & survive right now. But I do think this is an important article for a lot of these people who date “users” or “narcissists”. Maybe they need to stop being so giving. For me it’s more complicated. I’ll survive though, I always do.
Can relate this so much ! To myself and my mother to…thanky for sharing, it makes me more awere of myself, and my selfimage.. my selfconcsiucness.. so I can continue to learn and grow as a person. Right now I am single and Enjoying it to the fullest. For about 3 Month Ago my last relationship for around 1 and half year broke. I am so happy that it did. Not at the time.. but as a bodytherapist it is the greatest gift that I am now free to dive deeper and find out.. who am I, Really….
Matt, you did say this all on point. I have been in the worst every relationship been through, not only in romantic way, in friendship and family matter, I recently lost a very close friend who I consider as my other half, like my own sister. She betrayed me and manipulative, I gave her shelter and most primary things when no one could ever gave her even her own family or even her partner but me, now she bragged out things she gave to me and girls trip that she paid after whatever I have had done for almost 2 years for her and her family…. everyone of her friends now think I’m the worst person who used her for granted without everybody know what I have done for her, she is quite smart to let everyone know and think she is the victim, she even took ( kept ) my car until now just because she wanted her money for the trip she used when she actually needed me to company her during her rough cheating time to her husband, I have realize how stupid and weak I am to friends who always needs me without think my own need or my own happiness. Thank you Matt for this article, and sorry if sometimes I don’t always agree to your article, but this is so spot on to me and my situation 😔🙂
My wife thinks her only responsibilities should be half of basic household chores. I pay all the bills, I plan everything, I fix everything and solve all of my problems and her problems. And I do half the chores. She says I could do more. Apparently she thinks her only responsibility should be sitting on the couch perusal t.v.
You’re one of the most helpful, genuine, and connecting people I’ve come across, with the right dash of levity. You help heal a broken world. I started learning from you for empathy reasons but realized how much your work crosses genders to create bonds and connection between two people through emotional intelligence. Do you welcome sincere meaning men at your retreats ?
I gave too much, I even put him on a pedestal I never cheated, put the relationship first and then I was the one that got dumped. Now, I’m not going to put anyone else on my list of priorities aside from myself. I’ve not treated myself fairly during the relationship and I am remorseful of how I made myself an option. Moving on. I hope everyone sees the light and start treating themselves right.
I’ve given much to a man who who ends up by being with someone who hates him but wears a fake smile only to live the life of millioner. I let him much being himself that sometimes it feels I am not the person anyone who I before was. I almost forgot my happiness in the sake of his happiness and desires. So the consequences came, I became no one to him when I asked for a day to be with me. Lesson learnt- Don’t do that much to someone that make the opposite one to think it’s a priority of my to love him Unconditionally.
I’m so supportive and caring. My boyfriend treats me like a dog, and only cares about my body. He said he doesn’t know how to handle feelings. I’ve told him he always makes me cry. I even thought about suicide just to get away from the conflicting feelings of leaving and staying. I’m afraid I won’t find better. I’m afraid I’ll be too old to have kids by the time I find someone better. I’m afraid I’ll miss him, but I’m also afraid to stay.
I actually started perusal the article because I was looking for a way of like…just love less..I think the more intense are the feeling..the more it hurts when we get disappointed..so I just want to take distance emotionally…enjoy the good things but not care much..not feel much… I’m looking to do that in my relationship nowadays.
This is a subject that has bothered me for a long time. I very much identify with being the person who gives so much because I truly do care and believe that we should give more intentional thought and care to our relationships. I’ve always felt that my standards for what my wants and needs are usually higher than most of my friends. I also feel like I’m a bit old fashioned when it comes to how we interact in our relationships. I have a hard time knowing when to draw the line of what is worth putting up with in my friendships. I’m at a point in life now that I do know what value and care I bring to my relationships and most of the time I do feel it goes unnoticed and also not reciprocated. I just worry that if I set these standards that I will be out of friends. Maybe thats too pessimistic but I don’t have a lot of faith in people right now. I believe we live in a society now that relationships are based on convenience and not thoughtful care and intention. I very much feel this today as I turn 30 years old during this quarantine and not one of my friends has reached out to me. Maybe my standard for relationships are too much for people but I believe we would feel so much more loved and connected if we changed or added a few simple actions to our relationships.
Rely on people who can tell you the truths that you are to close to, too see. Convert the internal wish list to a standard. When you have people around you that don’t communicate those truths what does that mean? Can you go into the nuance of holding and communicating a standard on a deeper level? The image that comes to mind is the diagram you create at the retreat, were you communicate a standard and they respond. But how do you communicate the standard from a place of strength what are the words you use, the way you go about it ? This is were the retreat content hit me this time. What are my standards, have they changed with all the growth and 1% shifts? How often do we need to reevaluate our standards? How do I improve the frequency and impact of communicating my standards more effectively from a place of strength? What specifically can I do to improve this in my life everyday? What 1% shifts will build momentum in communicating my standards?
You just hit me really hard with this because I didn’t know that this is what is going on with me. I was always a giver, my whole life. Of course, there are people in my life which I won’t please, just because I don’t think they’re worthy of my love. But other than that, I always want togive people EVERYTHING I got, because I’m kinda afraid that they’ll leave if I don’t. I hate it when people leave. Tho I can’t really talk about my needs because I find it kinda awkward. Mostly it’s like “nah, we’re not that far in the relationship yet” (or friendship). Like I really don’t know when the right moment came to talk about it. What if I’m rushing things again? Then I just stay quiet and hope for time to pass by and somehow develop my confidence. Tho that time never really comes or it’s too late by then. Or at least it seems to me like that. By then I’m already the giver and people would be shocked if I’d ask for a favor I guess, because they don’t know me in that way. It’s kinda shocking to hear that truth, also because I don’t really know how to change things. Honestly, I do think that it doesn’t really bother me being the giver. Well, maybe it does sometimes but I’m so damn used to it that it’s nothing special anymore… if you get what I mean…
i am someone who always care about others needs and help as possible as i could. and i just feel so frustrated when im caring about them and they dont care about me as much as i do. i thought they would change but they never tried to understand me or listen to what i needed. they became to neglect me more and things got normal. me wandering around house depressed became normal to them. after the heat of frustration calms i’ll act the same. maybe i shouldnt expect much caus everyone is not the same. anytime i feel sad i’ll just stay alone and calm myself down. its the best way to take care of myself
Broke up with my boyfriend on Monday. I knew it was coming because he told me he had realized he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I was just trying to make it work and I gave everything I could into this relationship without getting anything back. Something that scares me is the fact that I’m not even sad about the breakup. I’m just mad at myself that I didnt see this coming from the beginning and that I gave him so much without getting anything back. Don’t make this mistake. Don’t invest as much as you love, invest as much as he/she invests in you.
I have only recently figured out that I am an HSP, so because my brain has some weird stuff going on, I am more perceptive to a lot of things. For me this means that basically any normal human being looks uncaring and indifferent. So this means for my needs to be met, I need people around me who appreciate the extra things I do. I also have started viewing any supportive pep talks and the like as emotional labour. I’m good at it, I have taken years to teach myself to be good at it and like with any skill, I’m not going to provide it to people who don’t appreciate it. I wouldn’t help someone assemble their wardrobe if they were just annoyed at me afterwards. So having a difference between me and other people is fine. As long as they appreciate what I do and give something back in their own unique way. There’s no use in being unhappy because someone else things my needs are too much.
I never realized I did this with all of my male and female friends, until I asked them to do something for me that I needed. I used to put them, their plans, needs on priority, and later puting in extra hrs at night to finish my work, I often knowingly have been at recieving end from teachers/managers for prioritising friends. Hell, once I didnt help my junior batchmates because one of my junior friends didn’t want me to, as she wanted an edge over others and no competition. I have ALWAYS gone out of my way to refer people in my company, ask my contacts to refer my friends who needed a switch or were unemployed when rarely anyone would do so, including their other friends. Still, I never understood it myself, though I grew hurtful. I was giving everything on one hand though I used to think thrice over and embarrassed at asking those same close friends for help, after having being brutally turned down many times over. After college, once I had a debate with a very close friend or so I thought, about people generally helping each other. She replied no one helps without seeking something in return because inherently everyone is selfish. It was an absolute negative concept for me to categorize everyone as selfish. On telling her the zillion times I helped her, including not helping her batchmates coz she wanted an edge, and asked her what selfishness she thought was the reason for me to do so. To which she goes, I don’t know, but everyone is selfish, so must be you. That was my first shock, coz I really really wanted to help my juniors just like my seniors helped us, you never know which help, helps who and how much.
Thank u for this open expression. Sad truth it seems to me that so many relationships actually built on usery. It the way many actually start. Based on a job, school, bar, church. Power struggles, various imbalances, going on in them. But what happens when circumstances change? Many friends are actually just acquaintances. Cause folks r just not fully open and honest and prefer to keep many things private. Maybe that’s a good thing sometimes, but then sometimes this imbalance occurs.
Had a long distance relationship for almost 3 years and i noticed and aware of his red flags. He still lives with his ex and I keep jealous because of their situation. He visited me in my place and he told that he cannot feel connection/ butterflies in me. But still the relationship continued ..but there’s no deeper connection. I broke up with him and still communicating because I really wanted to work out again. He finally broke up with me last November. His reason is that he wants to be closer with God, he wants to focus his study have time for his self and he said he can’t connect with his emotions if long distance. I respect his decision and I don’t want to compete with God. After 5 days i saw him on Facebook that his flirting a girl. He restricted me on Facebook. And after a month i saw that his new girl posted in a relationship with my ex boyfriend and they’re also long distance relationship. I was devastated. I couldn’t accept the fact that he already have a new gf in just a matter of month. It’s really hard to help myself…putting back the small pieces of me to make it whole again. I’m still in a process of healing.
Actually, I ever try to comunicate this with people I love. But all of them leave or simply didn’t want to heart it. Its not just one or two people. But its everyone. One day I cant handle it anymore. I start to cry and screaming. But they just talk more harshly to me. So since then I completely stop comunicate or explain what I need. I just wait for my time to leave. For now … I still cant standing with my own feet. So I cant set up my self free. I cant lose my family, friends, boyfriend, and everyone I love … Even though I know they don’t love me as much as I love them.
I feel this except that I have on several occasions told him what I needed and he thought I was just “in a mood” and then forgot about it. After 10 years, I’m done because I know my own worth now. I deserve a fulfilling, nurturing partner as well and I need to take care of myself. He’s acting like he’s been blind-sided even though I opening expressed what was going on.
my take on lesson is – be honest in showing your expectations and what’ s bothering you, for example my boyfriend calls a cab after me every time to take me to his house, although he plays the super nice guy, i definitely need to show him that I want to be his girlfriend(he has an issue verbizing this 🙁 ), thus, he should come and walk with me, engage in outdoors activities.
Certain people have stolen from me, then I meet people who haven’t stolen from me, and I give them attention and buy them small things to make them feel good or to show I appreciate them, and I am mostly left alone not because I don’t want company 🙂 but not the company of control freaks. There are people you can’t tell what you need because they either ignore you or use it against you, empaths are walked over by narcissists
I don’t mind to give someone in need short term but I am not okay to be the one always giving all my energy and attention to someone who takes it and doesn’t change anything to solve their problems. I am separating from someone who likes to wallow in self pity and is like a black hole because he refuses to change his mindset but expects to be held and coddled like a small child.
Im in a long distance relationship for 7 years. We spent 7 years talking on the phone but he never came forward to meet me once. We built so much. I give everything of myself to him but I feel like I am not important enough for him to be with me. I am at crossroads in my life i dont know what to do cos i love him so much and he is all i have to talk to who understands me and cares about me. I only wish he would commit to me and be by my side.
I’ve stopped initiating affection with my partner because I feel he doesn’t initate and therefore seems disinterested in me. (It used to be different; I didn’t have this complaint a few months ago.) I want a hug 3-4 times per day, I want him to kiss me, I want him to say ILY, I want him to initiate sx, I want him to make conversation that shows he’s interested in me and my life. I do those things for him. Is that too much to ask for? According to some, yes, that is WAY too much to ask for. According to others, “I deserve more”. Intellectually, I understand that I should expect nothing from anyone and I understand that my expectations are causing me pain. But I don’t understand what steps to take to make my brain stop expecting anything from anyone. I expect someone in a romantic relationship to want to be affectionate with me–especially when they used to. On the flip side, I’ve been perusal articles on “your expectations are too high and that’s why you’re in pain” and the remedy to that is to GIVE MORE. And then I’m also told by people that I “deserve so much more.” I’m so confused. I keep getting conflicting messages from a variety of people and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or who I’m supposed to believe/follow.
I do speak up and try express my needs and wants. Liked dislikes but it gets me no where besides get told I’m a child and grow up. Or get over it it’s in the past or I’m not doing this everyday with you. Meanwhile they don’t do anything to change or fix it to try better the situations but still hold me accountable because I keep expressing my needs and emotions 😔.
This article is talking about Me… Got dumped 7 weeks ago. Was a 5 year relationship. Loved her Deeply!! I still do… I really gave her and the relationship my ALL. After I began asking for any level of reciprocation she started to pull away. Once she felt she didn’t need my help anymore she left me for her college TA. It’s a weird feeling… I was the one doing Everything for her And me… yet I’m the one who feels alone. I’m used to doing things for myself… yet I’m the one who feels alone… I was VERY good at communicating with her as long as we were talking about her desires and insecurities. I would spend Hours with her nearly every single night calming her down and building her up in order to get her over her own anxieties and insecurities–she has near crippling anxiety. Over the last 5 years I only remember two instances where we were talking about me and my insecurities–they stand out for how novel these conversations felt. She’s not a bad person; she wasn’t doing these things intentionally… at least not at first. Toward the end it felt Very intentional. But this article nails why I had a hard time speaking up for my needs. I was worried she’d leave me. The hardest part of all this is 1) I do have this fear/problem and 2) now my fears are confirmed. I even went and looked back at my prior relationship. That one was 9 years and she Constantly had one foot out the door. At the end she was even fucking other guys. I found a bunch of unsent draft emails where I was telling her why/how I couldn’t trust her.
God says.. “Love is kind and patient. It does not boast r dishonor r point others wrongdoings!” Every relationship Every relationship should add value, meaning n strength to one’s life. It should deepen our insights, thoughts n attitudes towards positive, loving co-habituation n growth as a secured family,community, nation n global peace!!!!…
I am a giver, I feel worthless constantly, always feel like I am never enough. He knows all those, and ask me to be selfish time to time. I don’t know what I need, I have been trying to listen to myself, listen to my needs, but i can’t seem to understand myself. I have been a follower since birth, my role was to follow my older sister and do my moms needs. I have a narcisist mom, and a follower dad, it’s not a good thing to grow up in. I can’t seem to find myself and I want to. I wish I could go to one of your retreats because I am extremely insecure, I start crying the moment I start talking about myself. I start crying when I say one thing that I want. And I wish I could be the person he sees potential in, when I am drunk I am so confident and glowing and shining, but I quit alchohol 5 years ago. I just want to bring who I am out, but I am too scared when I am not confident.
The other day I apologized to a good friend of mine even though I wasn’t sorry. I don’t like conflict so I was trying to move on from that but I realized that I can’t. I feel like she did not respect me or my feelings and I shouldn’t apologize for upsetting her. And it’s been a reoccurring fight that we’ve had and each time I would let it go because she’s my friend. But I gotta put my foot down and stand by myself too.
What about if you have imagined someone in a way which he/she is not? You give all the time and think this person appreciates you and what you give but suddenly you wake up one day and realize this person was never the way you felt/thought. It confuses me at the moment a lot and your article helped me. I was thinking of communicating now these things you stated in your article. I will see if he will stay and wants to develop our friendship or if he just used me to get his work done. Thanks again for your help. Stay safe
What hurts most is knowing he did 10x what I’m asking for his ex that treated him like shit. And I’ve been with him 4x as long, and I do so much for him out of love and he can’t even do one small thing when I ask for help. I really love him but idk if I want that for my future, I’ve had to beg to be loved and appreciated my whole life and I can’t keep begging.
I’ve openly and bluntly told my partner that I like when he checks up on me and would like if he did it more often because it feels like I’m the only one who wants to talk to them. They are an amazing person. I’m pretty sure I’m a codependent person and anxiously attached and trying to work on it but I just wish they would talk to me more throughout the day.
And as far as my feelings in regards to this self quarantine for two weeks it’s a good thing I don’t have a problem being alone and I have friends I can reach out to in texting that have conversations with an actually I think this is a bit of a positive for people who are online dating it makes you take more time and getting to know the person and asking the right questions before you choose to get on the phone or go meet them. And hopefully it will make more people a little more appreciative of the Liberties that they had prior to being self quarantined. I’m trying to make a positive out of this and thinking that I can get so many things done that I’ve not been able to do meaning projects job shopping crafting you name it. You have to find a positive within a storm
The problem with my situation was that the guy i was dating had a burn out when he met me. He is a single dad that takes care of his son all by himself (he became a dad by 17, because his gf at the time just didn’t tell him she stopped taking the pill) and i just wanted to help him. Every time he cried because it was all too much, i just held him. For months i helped him with chores and his kid. I got him to see a psychiatrist. Helped him accept that receiving medication and help is necessary sometimes. I knew he wasn’t ready for a relationship and i was okay with it, because i got out of a longer one not too short before. But this went on for nearly 6 months. During corona time i also helped him home school his kid, because i knew he had to work on his phd thesis. I guess i got attached. Then he met a new woman. He replaced me within 3 weeks and wants us to just be friends anymore. I know we weren’t in a relationship, but i feel so replaced and used. It’s not just the dating aspect, it’s also the way he is acting. He used to always text me and wanting to spend time with me. He always acted really attached to me, too. I love that i helped him get better and he said without me he’d probably ended up at a clinic, but still he just let me fall like that. I just feel so empty. Also i don’t know how i can find a good love, ever. We met at university, we can be geeks about exactly the same things, have hourlong conversations and everything.
The relationship was great at the beginning, both were loving and kept it at a level where both were comfortable. I love being loving, and when I get attached to someibe it feels really special to me, and I want to support, be there for them and give them love, but at her end it started to fade away, not nessecarily the emotions but just the willingness to express that love back, it kept diminishing to a point where I felt like I was starting to see red flags in the relationship, I started voicing it over and over, which alwo comes off as me being needy and such, which isn’t positive at all. What happened was that I got into a extremely rough period in my private life, no work, no money, almost losing the place to live, no food, etc, and during that period I started asking for support, just anything, it wasn’t so much anymore that I felt like I “wanted” the love and affection back, I NEEDED it to go through this, just anything remembling like she cared about me was what I was asking for, and I didn’t receive it. I started getting frustrated because we did communicate, I did express exactly what I needed and wanted, and it isn’t much, just being asked how my day went, or a spontaneious message to me instead of me having to text her every time etc, it’s fine for a while, but then you start feeling drained, and in my rough period it got worse, way worse, I started getting frustrated by it, my needs weren’t met and every day I had to feel disappointed to not get any resemblense of care.
Sometimes the thing that you fear will happen if you say all this comes true… They be like “I don’t know this person who is demanding so much and only know the one who gives selflessly” now either they want to leave or the relationship is bitter until you go back to the same mode… What to do in this situation?
Happened to me. 3 year relationship. I was the caretaker not only of her but her child as well. Became her stay at home dad since C19 hit and towards the end of the relationship I did begin to ask more of her towards going to therapy/couples counseling and she grew detached. Although after the relationship I did realize that she is a full-blown covert narcissist. I didn’t even know the term until I looked up what was going on with my relationship etc. The brutality towards the end just for me asking for reciprocated love was too much for her to handle and discarded me unexpectedly THE SAME NIGHT that she was going on about how she could look into my eyes forever and wanting to spend our lives together…so yea…5 weeks today the last time I seen her.
What if a person always thinks they’re not giving enough? That they are not enough and they have been given a treasure… I feel like I get more than I deserve. Kind of. Actually I feel like I am not giving enough and so I don’t have the right to expect. So whenever there is a problem in the relationship, whenever I want something from him… I don’t say anything until I am sure that the problem isn’t just in my head. But as complicated as our situation is with this boy, it’s hard to tell when I should trust my judgement. So I guess things pile up. My approach is not ‘Talk to him about it and tell him what you feel”… it’s more “Do whatever you can to solve it on your own” Example of this would be: I don’t know if I am being insecure or he is actually pushing me away. How could I expect him to want me when I am not giving anything he’d want? Is this my insecurity or something he actually feels? How do you find the objective truth??? He really made it hard for me on that one. Hm.
Hmmm… So true and correctly stated – and it holds true for both, women just as much as men can ‘give too much’ for exactly the same reasons – ‘Loosing oneself’, as in stopping to fulfill ones own needs for example.. creativity, activities, making time for practicing whatever has been an important part of ones life.. whatever it is that nourishes ones own soul… while thinking that focusing all attention on the other person/the relationship is more important – And then, when one learns and finds out that it must not be a matter of either or, but of both.. the other and the self.. your soul my soul our soul, so to say – it is usually too late –
Yes I’m so much type of an extra giver on everything good to everyone even if I don’t have strong relationship with them but they don’t give me back as much as I’m giving to them. I’m feeling like I don’t deserve they treat them like that but in the end I found that sometimes they take me wrong like I’m trying so hard to make them being good all the time with me or I’m trying to get their attraction. They don’t understand me how I’m in reality and even if they hurt me I don’t tell them that and I was all the time feeling like it’s OK. All the people who knows me they are calling me sensitive girl and I have extra emotions and I make drama because I cry easily but I forgive easily even if who hurts me didn’t appologize to me. I decided now to not let anyone hurt me again and I have to give love to myself first and I have to treat myself better than I’m treating others because I deserve that and if I didn’t make myself happy by myself who will do and who will care because not everyone is as me a giver love type.
I think my issue is when I cater to all the needs of other I sacrifice self care(like sleeping or even eating). And I would never want anyone else to go that far so I just don’t communicate any needs. So ya I don’t think others should treat me the same as I treat them and I don’t want them to. But I can’t give less either.
And then, this type woman ends up hating the person they’re with. Their personal deficiencies end up accounting for nothing in how they judge the behavior of their partner. Talk about being self-centered. If you find yourself with a partner like this, there is a big chance they will damage you with unfounded guilt and blame. This is because the typical process they go into, if they address this, starts with a cathartic airing of emotions that are wrong and harmful for whoever they place the guilt on. It’s better to steer away as soon as you start seeing so much “giving” because that’s when the backlog of resentment starts getting build and you will know it, your gut will tell you. You are not guilty for receiving what they want to give you, but you sure will realize they are expecting reciprocity regardless of whether or not you consented to their “selfless” attitudes.
Hi Matthew, regards from the Czech Republic. You make me stare at your articles while considering buying a jet plane to be able to visit one of your worskhops in the UK. Nice perusal you, even nicer listening what you say but I don’t agree with you in this article or at least it might be a case but not the rule. I’ve just gone through a relationship where I gave a lot, and tried to communicate my standards as well, yet ended up resentful and accused of being too emotional or even dramatic. The guy was emotionally unavailable and overall toxic for me, so it’s over now.
But when i spoke to him about my needs he just said “i am not that kind of person. I am this and that and i cant truly give all of your needs because this is the only hing that i can give to you. He also said yes you deserve better and wanted to spoil you in a good way. But i just cant. I am not that kind of person. I am only like this. I cant handle your needs or wants. It’s too much.” But the only thing that i want or need is efforts like calling me, article calling, messaging me if he’s not occupied because that is the only thing that we can do in this situation.
I’ve have had been in a almost a 5-year relationship where I’m the one constantly giving, I have had communicated my needs but she always say that “I’m never enough for you” and this makes me feel guilty, and that my needs shouldn’t be met. This is giving me the idea that men will always have to give, not to receive. I need help.
I am sooo drained from family,, for years I have given gifts!!! Money,,, favors and No family has ever given anything back not even a dollar store card to say thk you. But family always have their hands out to take from me,,,, I’m literally starting to resent them,,, I don’t want to be around them or be in their company,,,, I did several things for my sister and the one time I did,nt do what she wanted me to do,,, she sent me a awful text message !! I turn around and forgave her. But anger and resentment has built up and it hurts. I had to cutt a lot of friends off because of the same thing.
I agree but also disagree. You can’t say exactly why someone does something. For example, in the past I gave more than I received, not because I thought I didn’t deserve it (I know I do. I am a queen!) but because I had the self-limiting belief that I could not find someone capable of being as good for me as I was for them. I am a solution-focused individual who has always been able to improve myself and my situation by taking strategic steps. I see the path and enjoy helping people, especially partners, along theirs. However, I have recently come to the realisation of the aforementioned self-limiting belief and will no longer be going for people who can’t improve my life as much as or more than I improve theirs.
My GF can’t be a mum and has a kid. I am young and I wanna be a father but often I end up killing that urge of having kids of my own because I love her so much and I don’t wanna hurt her. Today, on 1st of Jan 2023, while I was sitting at the dark harbour, all alone, I realised that I am really not happy with this. Even if I love her a lot, even if I wanna be with her, I am not doing myself any favor. He is right, I am not honest with her. I just don’t know how. I’ve tried breaking with her so many times but never succeeded. I have no idea what to do.
Hey Matthew, Just wondering if you may be able to do a similar article around the first few dates. I find that as a person, Im a life on my sleeve. Am I not mysterious enough? how much should I give away? I find this happens quite a bit for me – the date appears great and goes for hours and then proof!! Would love to continue the conversation.
This is so me becuase I’am courting this girl for 7 months now but as much as I wanted her or making more effort to win her, I noticed that she is losing interest and attraction, We are okay but she is not that interacting with me anymore unlike the first stage of courting. I’am now giving my self time first and I think she needed it for a moment.