How To Distance Yourself From A Family Member Who Is An Alcoholic?

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Detachment is a concept that involves creating a boundary and stopping reacting to the behaviors of others. It is an effective way to cope with toxic or dysfunctional relationships, such as those with alcoholic parents, addicted children, or narcissistic spouses. Detaching can be applied to any situation where we have an emotional connection to a family member, friend, addict, or sober person.

To detach from someone with a substance use disorder while still loving them, it is important to engage in self-care for yourself. Many family members of addicts and alcoholics have forgotten who they are or what they want for themselves. Detachment with love can be applied to any situation in which we have an emotional connection to a family member, friend, addict, or sober person. The secret is to decide which situations and behaviors you are no longer willing to deal with and let your family members know what they can expect from you.

Learning loving detachment techniques is vitally important when dealing with an alcoholic. As we grow in knowledge about alcoholism and how to handle dysfunctional situations better, we start understanding that enabling and letting go of their problem is essential. When dealing with an alcoholic, it is crucial to have support for yourself.

There are several simple ways that loved ones can practice loving detachment while still treating their friend or family member with respect and love. First, detaching with love is neither unloving nor unkind. It is simply accepting the fact that we can’t live our loved ones’ lives for them.

For friends and family of a person dealing with alcohol or drug addiction, detachment can be a helpful strategy. It allows us to be supportive within a family and helps them overcome their addiction. Alcoholism is a family disease, and living with the Al-Anon helps us understand that nothing we say or do can cause or stop someone else’s drinking.

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How to Detach: Love An Addict Without EnablingOne does not need to be an alcoholic or addict to attend. Closed meetings are reserved exclusively for addicts and alcoholics. Professional …family-intervention.com
How to Help an Addict by Detaching with Love… addiction recovery movement is the concept of detachment with love. Originally conceived as a way to relate to an alcoholic family member, detachment with …hazeldenbettyford.org

📹 How to Help an Alcoholic or a Drug Addict: Detachment with Love

Counselor Carl (http://serenityonlinetherapy.com) explains why “Detachment with Love,” an Al-Anon concept, is the best approach …


What Are The Three Rules Of Alcoholic Families
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What Are The Three Rules Of Alcoholic Families?

Children of adult substance users often learn to adopt three unspoken rules to cope with the dysfunction in their families: "Don't Feel," "Don't Talk," and "Don't Trust." Claudia Black, an authority on adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs), highlights how these rules create an emotionally repressive environment where children suppress their emotions, avoid discussing the addiction, and struggle to trust due to erratic adult behavior. Promises are frequently broken, and celebrations may be overlooked, which reinforces feelings of insecurity and neglect.

In her book, "It Will Never Happen To Me," Black explains that these patterns of dependence often emerge as survival mechanisms in an environment shaped by addiction. Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse identifies various roles played by family members in alcoholic households, emphasizing the chaos and dysfunction that arise. As families navigate these challenges, the fundamental rules help maintain the status quo, even as individual needs are often ignored.

Family members may feel compelled to mask their pain and sidestep discussions about substance use for the sake of stability. Ultimately, the addictions foster a cycle of enabling behavior, perpetuating the cycle and creating a high risk for future substance abuse among children. This dynamic underscores the need for awareness and appropriate boundaries in addiction recovery.

What Is AA For Family Members Called
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What Is AA For Family Members Called?

Al-Anon Family Groups are support networks for relatives and friends of individuals struggling with alcoholism, operating on a mutual aid basis without other affiliations. Membership requires a shared concern regarding someone’s drinking problem. Al-Anon is a Twelve Step recovery program, distinct from Alcoholics Anonymous (A. A.), which focuses on helping alcoholics recover through peer support. The significant difference between the two is that A.

A. is for individuals with alcoholism, while Al-Anon serves their family and friends, guiding them towards support, education, and encouragement. Alcohol use disorder (AUD) impacts not just the individual but also those close to them, creating a need for support systems like Al-Anon.

Al-Anon meetings are accessible to anyone affected by a loved one’s drinking behavior, providing solace and community. The essence of both A. A. and Al-Anon lies in the support each offers, emphasizing experience, strength, and hope among members. Open A. A. meetings allow family members and friends to attend and observe. Both organizations are inclusive, welcoming individuals of varying backgrounds, with the primary goal of addressing alcoholism’s effects comprehensively. Al-Anon, often referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous Family Groups, aims to provide a therapeutic environment for those impacted by someone else’s drinking behaviors.

What Are The 4 C'S Of Alcoholism
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What Are The 4 C'S Of Alcoholism?

The four C's of addiction—compulsion, craving, consequences, and control—are critical elements that characterize substance use disorders. These components form a framework for understanding addiction as a mental health disorder that necessitates professional treatment. Compulsion refers to the irresistible urge to engage in addictive behaviors, while craving embodies the intense desire for a substance. Consequences highlight the adverse effects on the individual’s life and relationships, while control signifies a diminished ability to regulate one's use of a substance.

The interconnectedness of these factors reveals the complexities of addiction, making the four C’s essential for recognizing the signs of addiction in oneself or loved ones. This framework aids mental health professionals in diagnosing and determining appropriate interventions for individuals grappling with addictive behaviors, assisting them in regaining control and pursuing recovery. By understanding how compulsion, craving, consequences, and control manifest in addiction, one can better comprehend the challenges faced by those affected and promote early intervention and support. Ultimately, the four C's of addiction serve as a valuable tool in distinguishing addiction from other neurological disorders and foster a pathway toward effective treatment strategies.

How Can I Stop My Dad From Drinking Alcohol
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How Can I Stop My Dad From Drinking Alcohol?

When addressing a parent's drinking problem, it's vital to set clear boundaries. Avoid drinking or appearing intoxicated at home, and don't attend family events in such a state. Refrain from asking others to buy alcohol, lend money, or make calls to excuse you from work due to drinking. Recognizing a parent’s excessive alcohol consumption can be distressing, prompting a desire to actively contribute to their recovery. Encouraging a father struggling with alcohol misuse to seek help can be crucial; approach the conversation with compassion and strategy.

Staying engaged with productive activities can help mitigate the emotional toll of a parent's drinking. If your father is prescribed medication, ensure it's managed appropriately. If he acknowledges his drinking issue, it becomes easier to discuss recovery options. Always focus on expressing concern instead of anger, understanding that the desire to quit must come from him. Maintain your health while supporting him—this often means avoiding enabling behaviors. Being aware of alcohol addiction’s signs and fostering open discussions can create opportunities for your father to seek the needed treatment.

Which Behavior Is Most Likely To Indicate Alcohol Abuse
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Which Behavior Is Most Likely To Indicate Alcohol Abuse?

Behavioral signs and symptoms of alcohol misuse include anxiety, poor social functioning, neglect of personal care, frequent accidents, and recurrent absences from work or school. Key risk factors include genetic predisposition and mental health issues. Notable behaviors indicating alcohol abuse encompass increased tolerance, where individuals require more alcohol to achieve the same intoxication, and excessive drinking patterns despite negative consequences.

Common signs include engaging in risky behaviors, mood swings, impaired judgment, and relationship problems. The most concerning indicator is the consistent need for more alcohol, as exemplified by Rashelle, who requires more drinks to feel high.

Research suggests a significant prevalence of anxiety and depression among those with alcohol use disorder (AUD) compared to the general population. Identifying subtle changes in a loved one’s behavior, mood, and overall well-being can be crucial for addressing potential alcohol misuse. Key questions to consider include whether the individual has experienced episodes of drinking more than intended or has attempted unsuccessfully to cut down. Understanding these signs is vital for recognizing and addressing alcohol abuse effectively.

How To Cope With Alcoholic In Family
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How To Cope With Alcoholic In Family?

Building coping skills and seeking help are vital when living with someone who has an alcohol addiction. It’s essential to prioritize your own needs, as family members often neglect their wellbeing. Acknowledge that harmful drinking impacts you too, potentially leading to violence or financial instability. Ensure safety for yourself and others, taking necessary precautions to protect your mental health.

Caring about someone with an alcohol addiction is challenging but avoid self-blame; recognize it as a disease beyond your control. Effective communication with the loved one about their drinking, when done compassionately, can foster change. Learning about alcohol use disorder can be beneficial, allowing you to better support your family member toward treatment.

Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse highlights six roles in alcoholic families, illustrating the unique dynamics at play. Support involves showing love, providing encouragement, and helping them seek help when ready. Alcohol misuse can strain family relationships, generating stress and helplessness.

For individualized support, consider therapy. Feelings of self-blame or attempts to control the situation can arise, so it’s crucial to understand alcohol dependence and establish healthy boundaries. Research shows that a significant number of U. S. children are affected by a parent's alcohol use disorder. Educate yourself, practice communication, and remember, the choice to change ultimately lies with the individual.

How Do You Deal With An Alcoholic Parent
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How Do You Deal With An Alcoholic Parent?

Dealing with an alcoholic parent can be a complex and emotionally draining experience. Physical detachment from unproductive arguments and toxic situations is crucial; this might mean choosing not to visit or minimizing interactions with the parent. It's important to practice detachment, as engagement seldom becomes easier with time. Children of alcoholics often feel insecure, and crave acceptance, which complicates their emotions and relations with their family.

Communication should be gentle and loving, focusing on personal feelings rather than blame. Remember, recovery from alcoholism requires the individual's commitment; you cannot force your parent to seek help. Recognizing the signs of alcohol dependence—such as neglecting responsibilities and extreme emotional responses—can guide your approach. To minimize conflict, it's advisable to avoid confrontational discussions. Resources are available for coping and understanding the impacts on family dynamics, emphasizing that alcoholism not only affects the individual but also causes immense strain on loved ones.

Children may feel isolated due to stigma, underscoring the need for support. Ultimately, acknowledging that alcoholism is a disease and seeking proper treatment can break the cycle of pain within the family.

What Are The Effects Of Living With An Alcoholic Person
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What Are The Effects Of Living With An Alcoholic Person?

Living with an alcoholic significantly impacts partners and family members, often leading to mistrust, intimacy issues, mental and physical health problems, and relationship breakdowns. Those in long-term relationships may excuse addictive behaviors based on their partner's past. The traumatic experience is intensified if there is serious abuse involved. Individuals living with someone with Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) face numerous challenges, including financial strain, workplace difficulties, social isolation, and the deterioration of relationships with friends and family.

When children are involved, the negative effects can be long-lasting. Partners often experience emotional distress, are at heightened risk of domestic violence, and may develop symptoms of anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Alcoholism disrupts family dynamics and creates turmoil, making life difficult not just for the person with the addiction but for everyone connected to them. Spouses often bear the burden of their partner's neglect of responsibilities while suffering from poor self-esteem and increased anxiety.

They may engage in unhealthy coping mechanisms, which further complicate their situation. Overall, the collateral damage of alcoholism is extensive, leaving emotional scars and complicating attempts to rebuild trust and intimacy. Treatment for the alcoholic is essential, as recovery can significantly improve the quality of life for everyone affected by the addiction. Living with an alcoholic can be a living nightmare, underscoring the need for support and understanding for those impacted.


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Freya Gardon

Hi, I’m Freya Gardon, a Collaborative Family Lawyer with nearly a decade of experience at the Brisbane Family Law Centre. Over the years, I’ve embraced diverse roles—from lawyer and content writer to automation bot builder and legal product developer—all while maintaining a fresh and empathetic approach to family law. Currently in my final year of Psychology at the University of Wollongong, I’m excited to blend these skills to assist clients in innovative ways. I’m passionate about working with a team that thinks differently, and I bring that same creativity and sincerity to my blog about family law.

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22 comments

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  • I came across this article as I was ready to give up on my partner. I’ve spent years trying to understand why he can’t just stop drinking even though he tells me he wishes he could. Yet, he won’t get help. My heart is heavy and this really helped to put my feelings in perspective. I felt so much anger for him letting me down. His father was a Alcoholic and so was my dad. I will be attending my first al anon meeting Friday and this article has brought me hope. Reading everyone’s comments makes me feel like I am not alone. Thank you for this!

  • This is so helpful. I have 2 adult alcoholic kids just like their Dad. I must grieve the loss of my illusions, dreams & hopes for the alcoholics and my life together. This just about killed me when they turned out like their Dad, with this disease and nothing I can do about it. I go to Alanon which helps but after kicking and screaming I am finally accepting.

  • The fact that you are responding to comments 5 years later is amazing. I love my wife more than anything, and I am so glad that I found this article. I am familiar with the concept but I haven’t heard it in a way that actually makes sense to me. I am going to watch this article as many times as I need to in order to fully understand and bolster my confidence in me, and know that I am not detaching out of spite or anger, but out of love and the hope that the realization that comes with the consequences of actions will help the woman I fell in love with.

  • I strongly disagree with, letting them get out of your live is the easy way out and you will not learn anything from it. It s what I did almost 3 months ago. I gave him a a choice after a long time of trying to deal with his alcoholism. He disrespected the boundaries I set. No empty threats, so get help or move out. And he moved out. This was the hardest thing ever. Still struggling with doubt and fear and guilt, feeling I failed, and grieve of losing my love and our future plans. Not easy at all. I am in contact with him, but nothing changed, meaning he still drinks 24/7. This is how i know i made the right decision, because that stress is out of my life. What I learned from this is to accept certain things in life, to love from a distance, to take care of yourself first, to let people follow their own path in life even if it is a horrible one, you cannot control what someone else does. Best to safe yourself especially if they don’t think they need saving.

  • Thank you so much. I love an addict who pushes me away and says he isn’t worth the time and energy and that I’m in love with a fake version of him. Although I do love his personality and believe that he can overcome his addictions I must let go of my idealistic version of him and a future together and accept him for who he really is. I can’t force or change him into the man I want him to be. He has to be that man for himself. I’ll always love him but for now I must focus on myself and my healing. Thank you for the reminder and advice. I’ll always believe in my addict and be there for him when he needs me, but he must make that choice for himself.

  • I came here looking for a reminder that I am not responsible for another’s life. I am witnessing things in my small community that includes several practicing alcoholics. Things that are frustrating me confusing me, and frankly enraging me. I don’t want to feel like this, and I needed a solid reminder that I don’t have to. I can witness these things, choose to not react or respond, but choose to feel peace and joy any way. I know this post has been here a while, I’m grateful for that as it is exactly the article I needed today. Thank you ☺️

  • Im a meth addict, i been smoking it for a year and a half and i been in a relationship whit this girl that i love so much she means the world to me and i know she loves me back for about 7 months, we love each other and i know shes the girl of my dreams so last month yep, i did it, i got on my knee holding a ring on my hand ask her to marry me and she said yes, she was the happiest girl ever i could see it in her eyes in her smile she couldn’t stop talking about it whit her friends, co-workers etc… anyways she does know about my problem since i met her i was the one that told her about it. I also told her that i was quitting already and not to ask me about it again which was a lie i love this girl so much that i know that ill make her suffer if she stays whit me and my problem that i have, ive even told her so many hurtful words to push her off so she can be loved like she deserves but she keeps holding on to me, but now after seen and hearing you i think im the one that has to leave and fix my problem so i don’t bring her into this world of addiction and drugs and maybe when i fix it and if its not too late she’ll be waiting for me or maybe moved on It hurts my heart so much and tears run down my eyes right now to even think about it but its the best for her so that’s what ill do. ILL ALWAYS AND FOREVER LOVE YOU NANCY P. 💔💗💔💗💔💗💔😔😔😭😭

  • I discovered this detachment method by myself after many years of pain. Self inflicted pain because he believes he doesn’t have a problem. I stopped the hysterics many years back and the pleading and rationalizing has got me nowhere. He resents me and sees me as a nag. Wish I would have had this education earlier and saved myself years of sorrow and making myself crazy. Its been 20 years of marriage and I hope to go to my first Alanon meeting next week. I have a choke hold on my rescuing tendencies. I am immobile (not serene tho) perusal him set himself on fire again and again. Sealing my mouth shut so I don’t give more unsolicited advice. For now I am making a new life plan and will be listening to this article on repeat. Thank you!

  • My bf of 7 years has been on a 5 day binge ..i can’t stop him. cure it or change it .i blocked him .i locked him out of my house i been dealing with his actions for a year now …enough is enough …not sure what I am going to do but since he’s been gone .i haven’t been stressed as i am when I’m with him ….he does horrible things when he’s drunk isn’t faithful and just not the same .i am going to take it day by day but till he gets help whats the point of even being with him .living with an alcholic is one of the hardest journeys I been thru

  • Wonderful reminders from Alanon meetings I have gained. Thank you. Right now I struggle with if I should offer the homeless alcoholic a place in my driveway in a camper so that I can keep an eye on their advancing psychosis? Or, not let it in that up close. In one sense I feel that I need to keep a close eye on it because it can advance into seizures and other health issues, but on the other hand do I really want that in my driveway? If nobody is perusal, he could end up dead.

  • I just got out of a 3 year relationship with someone who had an alcohol addiction. It was hard to admit the she has an addiction since she wasn’t drinking every week and could even go a month without drinking (to my knowledge) but when she was drinking heavily (mostly on special occasions), it was really really bad. I couldn’t even recognize her. She would become abusive, disrespectful, mean, reckless, dangerous and sexually abusive. I knew she didn’t want children from the start of the relationship and recently when she drank a lot the whole night and was abusive and mean the whole, the next morning, I had to tell her her behaviour and what happened the whole night and she asked me: ‘what am I even doing with me, I dont’ even want children’. That’s when I really knew I had to leave that relationship…

  • The only reason in my opinion we find ourselves with alcoholics is to save ourselves, because the reason we love one has a lot to do more with ourselves than with them. In this relationship we HAVE to learn why we came to this earth and what is our purpose, but most importantly we have to learn to love and Care for our own self! Not depend on others decisions for their life, but on our own decisions. This is what I learned through the years with my alcoholic husband that I love until now.

  • I have never been able to do the detaching with love. i have to be mad at them in order to not enable! I still love them but I can’t seem to live with them in harmony while this goes on. For me I have to go away. I know I am suppose to learn this lesson as I keep finding the same man over and over again. So now I am 60 and just will not date. I have lost my son to drugs and miss him so much, but if I talk to him he only wants money. I blocked his phone number. How awful is that! I am so sad . What should I do? Help me.

  • My mom and I are struggling with this because my dad is the alcoholic in the family. He has caused many difficult nights for me, my mom, and my 11-year-old brother. On two of those nights, we had to leave and go stay the night at someone else’s house because it had gotten so bad. My mom and I have decided to start going to Al-anon meetings and it definitely has helped me start to focus on myself and my mental health instead of constantly worrying if my dad is gonna be drunk when the afternoon comes. The hardest part is probably how my family and some of my mom’s closest friends see how much it negatively affects our family, but my dad doesn’t believe that he has an addiction. He is addicted to nicotine and now alcohol (he drinks in large amounts almost every single night) and it has affected his mood and his memory, causing us to have to repeat things to him and be on edge when around him because his mood could change at any instant. My mom and I are just hoping and waiting for him to hit rock bottom or just something to happen so he notices his problem and it sparks a change in him.

  • I didn’t realize I was dating a meth addict for years and they’ve tried to act like they’re stabbing me in the shower, they would push me out of bed at night, and so much more. I started having anxiety and hearing voices (now on medication) and I tried telling them that I come first. They don’t understand so I walk away.

  • Hi counselor Carl, thanks for your article. I have had to detach (leave) my alcoholic husband. I haven’t told him though. He is noticing my detachment though. I have been putting him on the front line for 7 years and now I feel that it is time for me to love myself and I cannot continue to live his life. He made the choice to be an alcoholic and he doesn’t seem to want to stop but yet wants me in it. For how long though? I haven’t attended an Al anon group ( I am in East Africa) ..

  • My son did a short amount of time in prison. He was in great shape, healthy, happy, and content with his clean and sober life. He relapsed after a short period of being at home. He now sits in his room and drinks. He comes out to go outside and smoke. We tryed tough love which did not work. He works 5 days per week, and just survives. He won’t let us help him. We are at our wits end on what to do next? Suggestions

  • How does one get help for someone when they dont accept they have a problem? When you have loved and tried everything, when you have told and asked them and still nothing, when the whole family has tried explaining and asking for them to get help and they wont accept it or admit they have a problem, What then? 😥

  • Carl, you mention a grieving process before we can detach with love successfully. If you are familiar with ALANON and the 12 step programs, they don’t mention the grief process or include it, which has been very frustrating to me. There is no guidance on the subject on how to grieve and it’s not even brought up in meetings. It seems that the 12step meetings avoid that topic.

  • I think this is kind of selfishness to detach yourself from your loved ones. My brother just became alcohol addicted and maybe drug addicted as well after his marriage. My father, family and me helped him a lot. He just tried to keep on the trach but just got deflected. If anything is happening in family then he just gave us warning to binge drinking and everything is getting terrible day by day. I just had some hope with alcohol anonymous but he does not want to go there. My family is living hell life. I don’t know how to fix these things. My brother always tries to keep on track but fails every time.

  • So, I’m still lost. What are the steps? Can you post them here? Today is my birthday and yesterday my boyfriend had a reservation for me. He canceled and he hadn’t drank in over three months. Canceled but not only that, deflected and make me feel terrible for “wanting to be the center of attention.” Just a terrible moment yesterday. My heart is broken. I blocked him bc I will not get sucked into the chaos and pain that comes with listening to him ramble when he’s intoxicated. He’s TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!! A very loving loving loving man and a very spiteful one. Can you tell me what to do? In my hard of hearts I desire to reach out and just help him in all ways. I’m a very helpful person already. And we’ve gone through this before. I had to break up with him and he sobered up quick, going to AA, men’s support group from church, accepting Christ, taking medicine, praying, reading books. All of that convinced me and he even swore that he’d do everything in his power to be a better man. He did, for three months. Then, yesterday. I can’t help but partially blame myself. We got into a fight two days before and he detached himself. Something he never does. I got an ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach. And he kept canceling our dinner plans. Something he also rarely does. Especially when it comes to his princess. I was treated terribly yesterday and so I didn’t know what else to do but to delete that person who is hurting me. Even if it’s just temporary. Can you tell me the process please?

  • Addiction is not a disease. Its self treatment of depression with non prescription substances. The type of thinking in this article is what keeps jails, halfway houses and rehabs full of relapsed addicts. If you really want to help an addict show them love and support and try to find them a new coping mechanism besides their drug of choice. This could be such things as sports, art, or even religion. Turning your back on your loved one at their darkest moment is the best way to ensure a bad outcome to the situation.

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