Conflicts are a normal part of any marriage, as two people with unique personalities and perspectives are bound to clash at times. To address and resolve these problems, it is essential to be open and honest about your feelings, needs, and concerns. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and avoid blaming your partner. Infidelity is one of the most common marriage problems, and it can lead to a process that develops oneness or isolation.
To address problems, make a list of disagreements and learn how to express your concerns constructively. There are several helpful conflict resolution strategies for couples, including 7 Biblical ways to resolve conflict in marriage. For a happy marriage, both husband and wife need to work together to nurture the relationship.
Two marriage therapists explain 10 common marital problems most couples face and offer advice on how to solve each one. Some of the most common sources of marital stress and marriage problems include overstepping boundaries, overstepping, and overstepping. To resolve these issues, start by giving them a good listening to, giving empathy, and listening without reacting.
To resolve conflicts, define the problem, examine your heart for healthy resolutions, actively listen to your spouse, communicate, recognize when you’re in a gridlock, express yourself constructively, break the curse of making small talk, and create a safe space for conversation. Understand the other perspective and allow self-reflection.
To resolve conflict in marriage and divorce, create a safe space for conversation, understand the other perspective, and allow self-reflection. Stick to the problem at hand, get on the same side of the fence, try to identify the core issue, and don’t be a mind reader.
| Article | Description | Site |
|---|---|---|
| Family Issues: Tension Between Your Parents and … | Dr. Laura Dabney helps someone facing family issues, see the importance of putting his marriage first and setting boundaries with family. | drldabney.com |
| How can we solve the problem between a husband and … | Communicate with her with your actions. Just quietly do what you need to do in your life and don’t let her interfere with it. | quora.com |
| 6 Steps for Resolving Conflict in Marriage | Check your motivation. · Check your attitude. · Check the circumstances. · Check to see what other pressures may be present. · Listen to your spouse. · Be sure you … | familylife.com |
📹 How to STOP Fighting in your Relationship!
Conflict absolutely makes or breaks your relationship. How we fight makes a HUGE difference. In this episode I talk about what …
How To Solve Marriage Problems?
Solving marriage problems can enhance the health and resilience of your relationship. While all couples encounter difficulties, not all are equipped to navigate them effectively. Here are key strategies to address marital issues:
- Communicate Effectively: Identify and list disagreements. Open dialog is crucial for understanding and resolving conflicts.
- Recognize Gridlocks: Understand when discussions stall and work to overcome them without defensiveness.
- Practice Respect: Show mutual respect and value each other’s opinions. Avoid rehashing past conflicts to foster constructive dialogue.
- Seek Professional Help: Engaging a marriage or couples therapist can offer neutral support and guidance in overcoming challenges.
- Focus on Issues, Not Individuals: Frame problems as issues to tackle together rather than personal attacks, which helps maintain a cooperative spirit.
- Use Active Listening: Pay careful attention to your partner's perspective, ensuring they feel heard and valued.
- Problem-Solve Together: Collaboratively outline potential solutions for each issue, enhancing team effort in resolving conflicts.
- Implement Changes: Acknowledge any unproductive habits and work on personal growth for the benefit of the relationship.
- Be Patient: Approach discussions openly and patiently; sometimes resolution takes time.
- Engage in Shared Activities: If conversations become unproductive, try to bond over hobbies or new interests to strengthen your relationship.
By focusing on these strategies, couples can navigate their marital issues successfully, allowing for healing and a stronger partnership. Remember, tackling conflicts head-on with empathy and understanding is essential for a lasting, happy marriage.
How To Tell If Marriage Is Failing?
Marriage can experience various challenges, and recognizing the signs of trouble is crucial for addressing them. Key indicators of a problematic relationship include: sleeping in separate bedrooms, a significant decline in sexual intimacy, excessive communication with others instead of your spouse, a preference for solitary activities, and accumulating unexpressed resentments. Contempt for your partner and a desire to avoid spending quality time together further signal distress.
Decreased sexual connection often reflects emotional disconnection, and couples may feel trapped by past grievances rather than moving forward. Common signs of a failing marriage encompass lack of intimacy, ineffective communication, frequent conflicts, boredom, infidelity, and emotional neglect. To navigate these challenges, introspection is vital—this includes identifying behaviors like constant criticism, rigidness, and prioritizing individual needs over the relationship.
Couples should strive to improve communication, reconnect emotionally, and address underlying issues to rebuild trust. Recognizing these warning signs can be the first step towards positive change, allowing couples to seek support or counseling for a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
What Are The 5 Disadvantages Of Joint Family?
Living in a joint family presents several disadvantages that affect individual privacy, independence, and personal growth. Key challenges include a significant lack of privacy, as shared living spaces inhibit personal time and quiet moments. Generational gaps can create misunderstandings, while dependency on other family members can stifle one’s ability to make independent decisions. Interpersonal conflicts often arise due to differing opinions, and the presence of favoritism can lead to feelings of inequality among family members.
The challenges of parenting within a joint family may also be compounded, as multiple perspectives on child-rearing can lead to disagreement and stress. Additionally, financial responsibilities can complicate relationships, with expectations sometimes falling disproportionately on certain individuals. Younger members often feel disempowered in decision-making processes, which can lead to frustration and resentment.
The inflexibility of routines and traditions in joint families may restrict personal choices, hindering individual growth and freedom. Ultimately, these factors lead many individuals to consider or prefer the nuclear family model, where privacy is prioritized, and personal dynamics allow for more individualized relationships. Although joint families can provide support systems, they also come with notable challenges that can affect overall family harmony and individual well-being.
How Do You Fix Family Relationship Problems?
To navigate family conflicts effectively, maintaining your composure is essential. Set emotions aside, avoid interrupting, and actively listen to understand the other person's perspectives. Clarify your understanding by asking questions, and communicate your own side honestly. Restoring strained family relationships involves commitment from both parties, with a focus on rebuilding through mutual respect, compromise, and open dialogue. It’s crucial to address underlying issues that cause disagreements, which may arise from differences in beliefs, values, or lifestyles.
If you're aiming to reconnect after estrangement, consider five essential steps: contemplate your approach, express your desire to mend the relationship, acknowledge past hurts, embrace empathy, and be prepared to offer and accept forgiveness. While family tensions can be challenging, rebuilding these bonds is possible with patience and emotional intelligence. Recognizing that healing takes time and effort is vital in fostering healthier dynamics and overcoming past grievances. By investing in communication and understanding, families can repair and strengthen their ties.
When To Leave A Marriage?
Here are eight signs indicating that you may need to end your marriage: domestic violence, infidelity, problems with your sex life, a lack of communication and respect, loss of freedom of choice, being subjected to trash-talk, not being on the same page, and always being the one to sacrifice. Recognizing the signs of a failing marriage is crucial to deciding whether to seek help or consider divorce. Key indicators include how your sex life is functioning and an overall feeling in your gut that it might be time to leave.
Assess what is good and bad about the relationship while organizing your finances, including responsibilities regarding property and children. People may hesitate to leave a long-standing marriage, especially older individuals, but sometimes the love and intimacy have faded. An important sign is not caring if your partner returns home. If you frequently argue and feel emotionally drained or neglected, it could signify that the partnership is no longer working, necessitating consideration for separation.
How Do You Solve Joint Family Problems?
Handle family disagreements calmly and constructively, avoiding shouting, blaming, or grudges. Focus on solutions benefiting all, fostering harmony and effective issue resolution. Acknowledging a problem is the first step to addressing it together, as family challenges vary in size and impact dynamics. Privacy issues often arise; accepting difficult family members without trying to change them is crucial. Understanding family backgrounds is vital for resolving conflicts, and open communication, active listening, and compromises are helpful strategies.
Seek professional guidance if necessary to create a supportive environment. After family fights, reflect calmly and focus on moving forward. Essential principles for navigating familial challenges include taking a step back and addressing conflicts with care. Common disputes often involve financial issues and emotional dynamics; effective solutions require patience and close observation. Schedule group discussions to facilitate resolution and separate problems from individuals involved.
In extreme cases, consider living arrangements if joint family systems become unmanageable. Prioritize health and mutual support for better family relationships, recognizing each other's perspectives.
At What Stage Do Most Marriages Fail?
Numerous studies on divorce present conflicting statistics, yet they consistently identify two critical periods in marriage where divorces are most prevalent: the initial two years and the years spanning five to eight. Within these high-risk periods, years seven and eight emerge as particularly notable for increased divorce rates. Research indicates that approximately 10 percent of marriages fail within the first two years, with men often more prone to infidelity during this stage, leading to a rise in divorce cases attributed to cheating.
Half of all divorces occur within the first seven years of marriage, highlighting the vulnerability during this time. Furthermore, CDC data from 2011-2015 reveals that over 20 percent of first marriages dissolve within the first five years. Alarmingly, the statistics for subsequent marriages indicate that 67 percent of second marriages and 73 percent of third marriages end in divorce. Various factors contribute to marital breakdowns, and previous experience with divorce significantly increases the likelihood of future divorce.
John Gottman's research outlines four key stages of relationship decline, often triggered by unmet expectations and disappointment. While some divorces are unavoidable, many issues are preventable through effective communication and shared responsibility. Couples facing challenges must work actively to nurture their relationship to avoid falling into common pitfalls that could threaten their marriage.
📹 “My Husband Chooses His Family Over Me” Dr. Renu Kishore x Bonobology
We have your back! Watch our popular expert videos on the most frequently suffered relationship complications: Dealing with …
I just wanted to say thanks! My husband and i had been fighting for awhile now. At least a couple of years…. Years! Every time i would ask for something or bring something up it would evolve into a fight. Uncomfortable conversations could not happen with us because he hates talking about emotional things… It came to a head past Sunday. We got into a screaming match and he threatened to leave. And i was so fed up that i yelled back for him to just go. In that moment I really believed we were done… And thats my biggest fear is him leaving. Well the next morning we didnt speak to each other. I cant handle that either. It drives me absolutely crazy when he doesn’t speak to me. I caved in and called him and i could tell that he was clearly as upset as i was. I don’t think we even spoke 10 words when i called him… Not long after that i came across a clip of this article on FB and i came to YouTube to watch it. The quote you put up on the screen about how men feel attacked when their partner complains… That right there completely changed the way i was thinking about everything. It had never dawned on me that it was miscommunication and i was making him feel hurt which is absolutely never my intention. I love my husband very much and i don’t want him to feel hurt like i had been. But that quote opened a door and completely changed everything. So i texted him and tagged your article and i explained to him that i didn’t realize that he felt attacked or inadequate when i was asking him for something that that was absolutely not my intention.
I shared with my boyfriend that I need affection and miss the conversations that we had before we moved in with each other and he dismissed my feelings that we talked about getting to this point, we’re here now. When I check in with him he automatically goes on the defense that something is wrong, his response is “we don’t have no problems”. I appreciate the long form article.
Thank you so much. Marriage is hard. Two completely different individuals with past traumas not knowing what love looks like, having to learn with no guidance and good examples is tough. Your website is invaluable for those who cannot afford therapy or have partners who refuse to go or whatever reasons may be an obstacle. Sometimes just hearing someone else get it means a lot. God bless.
I recently went through a difficult breakup. My five year relationship ended a month ago, and it’s been incredibly hard. I still have so much love for my ex girlfriend, and I can’t seem to get her out of my mind. Despite my best efforts to win her back, nothing has worked, and the thought of being with anyone else feels impossible right now. I know it might sound odd to share this here, but I miss her deeply and can’t stop thinking about her.
One of the things I’ve learned in these types of conversations is there’s the complaint/sharing feelings/validation part of the conversation and then the solution part of the conversation, where you talk about what could be done differently in the future, or you decide together to make a lifestyle change, or you make plans for a date to happen to restore closeness, etc. I’m a person who always wants to solve the problem right away that sometimes I forget to validate the feelings of my partner. Splitting up a conversation into the feelings part and the solution part reminds me that I have two jobs: hear, respect, and validate my partner AND THEN work with them to find a solution or way to restore closeness if needed. Sometimes conflict can arise from people being in different parts of the conversation, like if I’ve already moved on to trying to find the solution, all in good intentions, but my partner doesn’t feel all the way validated yet. Trying to solve the problem too early can be a way that some partners unintentionally invalidate their partners emotions by glossing over them too quickly.
Hi Jimmy, Thank you! My wife and I had been at odds for 18 months and when I think about it, it has probably been years. It got so bad that earlier this year I moved out. Yes, after 37 years we separated. I was determined that unless she changed and started to show me affection again, I wouldn’t be coming back. While on my own I would watch a lot of Youtube. It was then that I stumbled across your articles. You made me realise that I was, just as much and if not more, the problem with my marriage. You made me see that I was not a safe place for my wife and I hadn’t been for years. Happily, my wife and I have reconcilled and we are happier than ever. You made me realise that in order to get what I wanted from my wife, I had to become what she wanted. I am convinced that God led me to you, and I am working to become a better person for my wife. God bless you, Jimmy. And thank you.
I know I’m late to the party, but for anyone who happens to see this, say a prayer for me, would you? My husband agreed that if I sent him a couple of articles about healthy conflict resolution, he’d actually watch – and I’m trying really hard to be hopeful despite a lot of anxiety about this. Thank you so much!
I am in the same position as most of the commenters here. I am at a point where my marriage is going to end. I watched and even rewatched some parts. That were relevant. I get so defensive about everything that I never stopped and actually listened to how my wife really felt. This happened just before my youngest was born. Before that we would just talk. No yelling, no insults just simple talking and being heard. I think my wife and I just need to take the time to talk and listen to each other and be vulnerable to each other like we used to. By the way, a friend of mine suggested I watch your articles from Facebook. I appreciate you taking the time to point all this out. I think I might just be able to save my marriage. Thank you so much.
This made me sob because it’s everything I’ve been begging from my husband. Maybe he watches it, maybe he doesn’t. I know I’m not perfect, but I put my everything into being better. I just simply don’t feel my efforts reciprocated unless I have a meltdown. The stress is literally killing me and he is perfectly healthy because his needs are met. I cannot continue this course.
So grateful for your articles! I’ve finally realized that I can’t make my husband want to get help or work on our marriage of 18 years. He is determined to just stay in defense mode and I don’t even think he knows me at all. I’m praying for our healing and for my guidance. Thank you again for sharing and being vulnerable with your experiences. Such a blessing.
Was once explaining something that hurt my feelings to a partner. His response which I’m sure is common was “Well, I didn’t do it intentionally” thinking that only intentional harms require apology. I said “I didn’t think you did it intentionally. If you had done it intentionally that would make you a really evil person” I watched in real time the mental shift that took place in his mind. Absolute gold.
I think you said something so important in this. And that’s asking what your partner needs in order to change the way they feel or make them feel safe. So often after an argument with my partner we both sit down and TELL the other what we are going to do to fix the situation. Rather than actually listening to what the other person wants and how THEY would feel safer, we state how WE think they would feel safer. Which is a form of invalidation in itself. And while the intention is good (because we are trying to show the other person we understand what they need) it’s actually very destructive behavior.
Ppl need to understand that none of us are 100% innocent in the relationship even if it’s 80%their fault and 20% yours that means there’s still room for you to change which is good news cause that gives you power back to help fix the relationship but obv only if the other is also putting in some kind of effort too
Me and my girlfriend have been together for nearly 2 years now and things were going really really well for the first year and a half. Today we had an argument (not a fight, no yelling or anger, very civil but we shared our problems through some tears). We both came from relationships where communication was NOT a thing at all and we started our relationship discussing that these conversations are necessary. The past couple of months have been scattered with quite a few conflicts and that’s what today was about, she was tired of the little conflicts happening. I think the bit that scared me the most was when she said “I just never know what mood you are in from your day, so I don’t want to start a conversation about it all and cause more drama”. It was a big wake up call. So I appreciate this article a lot. We have very civil discussions about our conflicts already, but it’s more the little things that tick each other off. We have planned to have a discussion tomorrow about our conflict resolution, but this article has helped to clarify the impact of past traumas, differing perspectives and validation. She’s the love of my life and I know we can work to be each other’s safe space. First article I have seen from you but keep up the great work Jimmy! Appreciate your help, from one man to another ❤
This was exactly the problem in my marriage. I would tell him I was feeling neglected. He would take it as me telling him I hated him and he’s a bad husband. But what I was really asking for was more of HIM. Do I hate him if I want more of him? But it always devolved into him gaslignting me that I said things I didn’t say, I did things I didn’t do, and me refusing to go along with the gaslighting. Then we were fighting and he would call me names. Then he would pretend like I didn’t exist to get back at me and show me he was in control, and then me feeling neglected. And the cycle would repeat. For several years, our marriage consisted of me telling him that he makes me feel like he hates me, and him yelling at me that he loves me while he calls me names. Frankly, I’m surprised we didnt kill each other with how much we fought. I honestly don’t know what happened, because I had given up ever being happy. He decided he didn’t want that kind of life. He started being nicer. He started trying to spend time with me, letting me talk about my day, not telling me what I was doing wrong all the time. He started trying to give me affection, hold my hand, intimacy, saying nice things about me in front of other people. I started trusting him again. He tries not to get so defensive when I have an emotional need, I’m using a nicer tone of voice. I’m trying not to be sarcastic and speak to him like he’s doing everything on purpise, because I see him doing good things on purpose now. It’s a big ship to then around, but at least we are working together to move the ship in the right direction.
I was married for 10 years in my youth. I have now been divorced for 35 years and never remarried. I was a naïve babe in the woods with my own wounds, so I married someone who was emotionally, psychologically abusive throughout the marriage, and at the end, when he became physically abusive, that’s when I gave myself permission to leave. I got out alive. Individual and group therapy has been great for me after that, but still no strong desire to get married again. Your two character article on narcissism really turned a spotlight on who my ex is. Thank you for that.
Apologize because it was too long? I thought that was a great article and loved every minute! Some of the things I already knew but even the things I already knew, you put into a very good perspective. My girlfriend and I call it a pause if we are getting too upset and talk later, but sometimes we forget and don’t utilize it. I’m hands-down impressed. Very good article. That is very useful resolution that I think would take relationships the distance. Thanks!
I wish I had found your articles years ago, but I don’t think I would have been in the head space to listen or understand. There is now too much resentment on both sides and the divorce is almost finished. Thank you so much for what you do. I have shared you with everyone I know including therapists and Psychiatrists. I know you are saving relationships all over the world!
I’ve been learning a lot from these articles. The one thing I would add, and it might be stated in other articles, is leaving a conflict should be done respectfully. No, no one should shame you for stepping away, but also, don’t stomp off, slam doors, leave the entire house, and not return for hours. I know Jimmy is NOT saying this behavior is ok. I just wanted to express that in case someone is thinking this article gives them an excuse for poor behavior.
This is so so good!!! 100%. I could never have a conversation with my ex about anything that needed to be addressed without defensiveness. Or being left, being called names, having my feelings invalidated. Terrible. I gave up after 5 years. Heartbreaking. I have been focusing on healing this whole year and learning that it’s ok to have needs. He didn’t like that.
Sadly after 2 attempts at marriage counseling, in which both counselors used the term ” you have no control over how other people feel” it turned into my husband’s default being, “How you feel is not my problem, figure it out”. Nothing I say to this day is anything we can fix because they are my feelings. So were in the process of ending 27 years of marriage.
I’ve watched this article 6 times in the last 3 days. So packed with info. I was able to apply these tactics last night and it was immediately recognized and praised by my partner. I’m finally hopeful for what is ahead for us. I almost can’t believe that that conflict brought us closer together. I am immensely grateful.
I am not a husband yet but I am in the most loving relationship I have ever been in. I have been in relationships before where I thought I was being emotionally respectful but retrospectively I really wasn’t. I want nothing more than this relationship to blossom and bloom because I truly respect, love and value my partner. I am willing to put in the work, we both are. But we are both very driven and ambitious people and it’s hard to balance personal sacrifices for the mutual benefits. But the bottom line for me is that it is always worth it. I have never felt like this, feeling like I am so motivated to put in the work to keep it healthy at all times. And validate without getting defensive ❤
No need to apologise for sharing information that is only helpful and coming from a place of love and care. I appreciate the level of depth you go in to. It only shows me how much you care and how much you want to help. Please don’t hold back on potential useful information you think may be helpful 💚
Yes, I stayed to the end. This is so meaningful for me to consider my past relationships and arguments. To understand where I could have done better. It’s also helpful in different types of relationships. People can mirror what they see, so it can start with one person. (Although having to do double duty can be hard.)
I always thought that paying the bills, and helping do my share around the house and with the kids was enough. I thought that made me a good husband and my wife had no reason to not be happy. I would discount her feelings and tell her she had a good life and that I was a good husband. After perusal this I realize I discounted her feelings because I didn’t agree with how she felt and always wanted her to explain her feelings to me so they would make sense to me. Once she would explain I judged her saying that she was wrong. This article opened my eyes to how wrong I am and that how much room for improvement there is. I truly hope I can save my marriage because my wife means the world to me. Keep doing what your doing because you have a way of making hard men like me understand
I pray this helps my relationship.😢 I really love this article. I presented it to her and told her that it sounded very helpful…..😔I played it this morning and she snapped at me. Trend that my particular partners never want to obtain advise or help for our relationship issues. We just freestyle for years. I’m always the bad guy just for caring too much, somehow. I’m not perfect. I’m flawed but, more open to communication in the relationships that I’ve been in. I love her so so much and I just hope she comes around to just watch this first so we can repair our deserving relationship. she’s a queen to me so I want us to be our potential together.
Just wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude! You are doing work that is truly needed. I’m in the most secure and healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in and I’ve learned that I am extremely defensive! I hate that my partner feels invalidated and I hate feeling like I’m apologizing for something I didn’t do. Particularly when he ascribes meaning or intent to something that I’ve done. I think sticking to just validating his experience will be enough for us.
My fiance and I have been together for 8 years and I decided that 2024 was gonna be a Great or Break year for us…. After he sat and watched your show with me, I have hope for the great year !!! We absolutely need the tools that you put out there to servive and I’m finally hopeful . He’s never agreed to watch anyone before but he enjoys you and your teachings. Happy New Year to you and all of us willing to learn and correct !!!
03:14 🗣️ It’s essential to discuss and agree on how to handle conflicts respectfully and without escalation to prevent relationship issues. 04:00 💔 Effective conflict resolution involves accepting and addressing partner’s negative emotions without punishing them for expressing their feelings. 08:20 🚨 Avoid creating a culture of constant complaining; balance is needed between addressing issues and maintaining a positive, respectful dialogue. 09:02 🔄 Rebuilding trust and safety in a relationship requires effort, accountability, and a commitment to respecting each other’s feelings and needs. 10:04 🗨️ When bringing up complaints, focus on expressing personal feelings and facts without blame or criticism to foster constructive conversations. 12:01 🔍 Conflict itself is not inherently bad; it’s how it’s handled that matters. Effective conflict resolution can actually strengthen the relationship. 14:13 🔄 Self-reflection is crucial in recognizing and addressing personal defensive behaviors during conflicts that may be rooted in past traumas. 15:37 🛑 Avoid defending or dismissing a partner’s feelings during conflicts; acknowledging and addressing these feelings is key to maintaining relationship closeness.
I think this finally got through to my husband how he has been treating me. I know I have work to do too, but I feel like it is mostly how he blows up at me anytime I try to explain something that hurts me or bothers me. I am going to make an outline from this article and we are going to follow it to try to repair our relationship. I am thankful for the transcript so I don’t have to type everything.
Healthy, Safe, and Connected relationships happen when people work on themselves, together. It takes two. Working on yourself means healing and upgrading the programs that were learned at a young age by perusal your parents…and your parents learned from their parents. It takes a strong person and dedicated love to dig in and do the work together!
Mine always threatened to leave me. We are now separated. He’s hurt me over and over and walking over me. I never felt secure to say how I felt hurt, etc, they were not heard. Constantly telling me I’m not good enough, etc. He will ignore me for days. I would hope we could reconcile, but I’m worried about him not truly reflecting and it not going back to the same old issues.
No need to apologize for the length, there was a lot to cover, and I appreciate all of it. It sounds so easy when you explain it, but it has been such an uphill battle. Both of us struggle to feel safe without feeling attacked. We both interrupt each other, and we both feel defensive. It’s been going on for a long time so it’s gonna take some time to work through it but we’re both determined. Your articles are very helpful. I’m willing to keep trying for a little while and if after a year of this, nothing changes, then we’ll have to consider other options. Thank you JIMMY! Love you so much! ❤🎉
Just found your website and it could not have come at a better time, I was so angry at everything when i started perusal this and ended the article close to tears. Also gave me the biggest epiphany since I’m usually the type to shut down or get defensive when it comes to criticism but you gave me the idea to write out all my thoughts in a love letter form so nothing goes unsaid and everything can be said respectfully. I feel so grown now, thanks Jimmy! We need more chill dudes like you who tell it how it is ❤ C:
Im married young. Me and my Husband are married since 2022…I always tried to talk to him but never felt heard to the extent that we wanted to separate 2 Times…I’ve never leaned to really express myself and understand myself and he also during moments when u get mad u forget about all of it especially as someone who has issues controlling emotions. I love this man so deeply and now I’m here wanted to separate but those articles like this popped up constantly and I started to see my own faults…I feel so bad because I hurted this man so many times not even realizing that hey…we never sat together we never tried and I wanted to give it up for small reasons. It’s true communication is so important…i go through this right now and I really hope we can figure it out…I will definitely continue perusal your articles to understand myself better too☺️
First time being a first comment. I’ve only been able to regain some self-esteem by viewing my covert narcissist spouse of 18 years as a roommate and not even a friend for the past few months. Still have a tiny shred of hope of someday having a real relationship but it is time for him to put in some effort.
4:00 Conflict turning into fighting…. 15:55…16:20 ….Ending up defaulting up Destructive Coping Mechanism from the past but that unfortunately are hurting us in the present. 16:20… 1)…Defensiveness leaves your partner feeling unheard and alone. 2)…Criticism leave them feeling attacked and belittle 3)…Contempt leaves them feeling inferior and rejected. 4)…Stonewalling leaves your partner feeling completely abandoned. 5)…We passive agressive and critical and we blame because we’re terrified to actually be vulnerable and open up and admit that we are in pain. 6)…We terrified to admit that we need them not in an unhealthy codependent way but in a healthy interdependent way. 7)…We need each other, we suppose to be lean on each other, we’re supposed to be on each other’s team and trust each other. 8)…We’re supposed to be a safe pace for each other, if we want this to ever work. #Conclusion ↑↑ 16:57…17:29 ↓↓ Saying all this because some times.. 17:29…17:43…18:07
My partner and I, we are in a rough time ultimately, we find ourselves having conflict almost everyday and even when it’s a small thing, it goes out of hand, plus I have problems managing my anxiety and I end up having panic attacks easily. We never name call each other or yell at each other, we just find really hard giving the other what they need while attending our own needs, and it takes us to a really defensive place and we feel so much fear and hurt and neglected. I’m actively searching ways to change this whole situation cause I really love her and I know she loves me too, she is really special to me and I don’t want to lose the relationship we built. I found this article really helpful and gentle and I will talk with my partner about this, thank you<3
I want to say thank you just like everyone else here. I am a male and I understand that I have these issues with communication and being very defensive over certain things and perusal this along with all your other articles I have to say of all the therapy sessions I have been to this was by far the best and most accurate and all I did was listen and think. Thank you again!!
Me and my husband and I are having a fight after fight. I asked him to go to the marriage councillor, but he dont want to hear about it.. we dont have enough money for that. Today, i was looking at yt if there is anything about dealing with arguments. This article opened my eyes. I hope to share it with him when he comes back from work. Wish me luck. I love him so much. I just want us to understand each other.
My husband has ASD, and can’t stick with any agreement we make immediately before we begin a discussion. He can’t comprehend the agreement anyway, and can’t remember any of it unless it’s written down. He won’t write anything, or read what I wrote – on that day. He will go straight into the anxiety zone. Just a reminder to sooooo many of us women, who are in a LTR with a man on the spectrum, that they need at least 24 hours to process a try at anything. They are not bad, but they will not be able to respond to this advice in the same way a NT man would. But Jimmy’s articles are still very helpful. I believe that 50% of men are on the spectrum, especially on the high functioning side, and many many of them don’t know it. Find out if your man has it. It can save the marriage. Not knowing if he has it is almost certainly the end.
This article is going to help our relationship. We have had a perfect marriage until Covid and other stresses such as a grieving and we seem to have slipped into this fighting /blaming hole. We are both willing to watch this article and work on it. Thank you. You would have helped so many people with these.
Could you please make a article about the difference between yelling and being stern? My husband’s family used the silent treatment against each other and would go weeks without talking when they were mad. So, he genuinely thinks I’m yelling at him when I’m simply being stern. I’m not raising my voice or using a disrespectful tone towards him at all; I’m simply stating things like “could you please be present when we are talking about the kids, and not play article games in the middle of our discussion? It makes me feel like I’m not important when you do that” after he puts his gaming headphones on during a conversation. I’ll say it as sweetly/gentle as I can. When I say things like that he responds with “stop yelling at me.” He also doesn’t discipline his kids (my stepchildren) because he thinks telling them things like “Stop. You may not curse at her…that’s unacceptable” is yelling at his children even if his voice is not raised. It’s creating a real problem because I want a healthy relationship with him but we can’t have that if he thinks that being serious is yelling. (Edited for a spelling error)
I will urge anyone going into or already in a relationship and working on it to learn what type of attachment style each of you are. If there is any childhood trauma you will need to process that before you bleed on someone who didn’t cut you. I have been with my husband for 18 years and I have always felt I was held emotionally at arms length and the more I loved the more distance he put with other things that didn’t require emotional connection. Recently we discovered attachment styles and they are spot on and he finally after 18 years admitted he had childhood trauma 😮 and that is why he was scared to let me in emotionally.
You’re sooo spot on on every topic… I’m pretty sure you’re listening to my life! It’s happened so many times where the following day you put up a article that exactly demonstrates the point I’m trying to make. But you do it so much more eloquently and your vernacular is said in such a way that makes so much sense, even to men!
My ex boyfriend and I used to be phenomenal at communicating, at the beginning. About a year into our relationship— we started to have the same argument, that he refused to believe was a problem. But it was a consistent issue. At some point I’d realized he’d acknowledged the issue, but change? Non-existent. When we finally broke up, he acted/probably was blindsided. But I had told him, and MANY people can attest to this, if things didn’t change— I was going to leave. He didn’t listen. I’m much happier now. But it takes two to tango, if I needed to change, I would’ve. Current boyfriend and I can both admit when we’re wrong, and we can see that we’re not trying to change each other. But rather, elevate & improve within & in our relationship. It’s refreshing and it’s loving and ahh! I’m just so happy.
I need compassion when I’m overwhelmed and anxious because I’m drowning in work and home life. I told my husband last night that I need to be coddled sometimes. We are trying to get pregnant and I have endometriosis. It’s really hard on top of everything else I juggle. He seemed like he was so over talking to me… my mom called during our conversation and he said perfect timing. Broke my heart that he just wanted the conversation over with. I love him so deeply but other times I want to run away from him. Sometimes I think all the past fights, trauma, and words said are things we can’t come back from.
i must go through this article over n over again – best advice, i hv been arguing with my wife practically daily because of how i respond when she wants to talk to me esp with her concerns about me, or her work stress, my role as a husband n father in general. thanks mil this coupled with prayer n studying the word of God one can overcome
Yes that’s the whole thing!!!!! Since I’ve been perusal you for a couple weeks, you’ve shown me exactly where all of the problems are right here. I’ve been stuck in this loop for almost 5 years now. You would think I’m a glutton for punishment but I hate fighting poorly!!! I just care enough about her to Try and figure this out. .. but the more I express problems we could work on the more it turns into I’m attacking her about everything she does. Thank you, I have hope.
Omg you said everything I just feel like crying Thank you for such as healthy healing helpful advice information of how to identify all the destruction and immature behaviors in my marriage all I’m doing is to stay silent because didn’t know how to put in words all this pain which is leading me to a depression and sickness in my body Thank you for giving me accurate solutions your are a blessing keep doing this it’s a lot of damages relationship out there like mine or worst because we didn’t know any better God bless you and your family
Jimmy, you have an awesome gift! Your articles have been sooooo helpful. My marriage has been not so good for a very long time. Now, my husband has seen the light and takes responsibility for his part of the dysfunction. We are in counseling and use other resources to help us through this journey. In my opinion, your articles rank up at the top. Thank you for making the articles. P.S. I didn’t think this article was too long.
I would love more articles with more examples of what validating vs agreeing sounds/looks like. I’m autistic & specific scripts can be very helpful for me. Also would appreciate more info on how validating & fair conflict can look differently for other relationships (eg friends, coworkers, in laws) in which we aren’t relating with our primary partner (so less intimacy & different expectations etc)
You have taught me more than all 3 of the therapist I’ve been through. I know you are not a therapist or counselor but I’ve been searching for a good therapist and my insurance keeps sending me to people who really don’t know what they’re doing. I feel bad saying that but it’s what I experienced. I want to find a good therapist so bad!
Thaank you very much for this article, this seems really to be a core issue in our situations too especially the defensiveness of me i need to agree and that we tend to switch from conflicts to fights and also the accusations part really is something i know. I will try to change my behaviour and listen better and not defaulting to getting mad when she says something to me when she expresses her feelings even when it’s not done completely right, i will try to talk about this with her to so we can improve our communication and with this our conflict solving, to save our love. all what i wish is us being healthy together.
SOmetimes our back grounds have a deeper legacy than we know. It took me decades to realise this about myself. Growing up in a devout conservative home, I was coached and reproached for having emotions. The circles here of the old school German Lutherans in Australia – many have a strong sub culture of only others matter, and any complaints I might have meant I didnt love the other person enough, or trust God enough. I didnt know this wasnt normal, until I met others in recent years who grew up in the same sub circles and we connect to help try and balance with the instincts that were intrenched into us vs whats healthy, productive and fosters deeper relationships in our lives. Because the truth is, this mindset only keeps relationships at surface level. As long as I didnt make others uncomfortable or try to make them accountable for how they treat others, I was loved and approved of.
This is the second time I’m perusal this article and this time I took some written notes to talk about with my partner. One of your vidoes helped me before to sort out a conflict with him where you asked us to be curious about why they felt that way, I realised I was busy explaining how I didn’t mean it and didn’t think he’d take it seriously but wasn’t asking WHY it made him take that seriously and feel hurt. He opened up about it, I understood, apologised and comforted him and then we watched a series together. We’re fighting again and he isn’t talking much for now but I hope to sit with him and talk about all the points I picked from your article so that the next time we have a conflict we handle it better, especially me because I’m very bad at conflict management, I don’t know the right things to say and it really really makes me feel bad that after over two years of being together I still don’t know the right way to comfort him afterall comfort is very subjective. I think I should bring this up too. Thank you either way, your points are helpful. I am a bigger problem in the relationship and I have to do a lot of work on myself since I mess up the most
Thanks Jimmy. My husband and I have been married 17.5 yrs. We separated and I moved out for a while. Well, we have worked on things and we have rebuilt our marriage and our relationship. its been great. We are about to move back in together. Your articles have really helped me to better understand the dynamics of our relationship. I appreciate you 🙏💗
Because i brought you to a point where the relationship was about me and not about you!! Everyday i realise more and more of what i did wrong, and what we really needed in our relationship was a break so i could realise it sooner. But now its too late, just when i started realising everything i did wrong to you, by then i already lost you, theres no point in staying away from you now to understand you because i doubt that id be anyone that youd like to hear from this moment
I’m sitting here perusal this, always brainstorming what to do, researching, talking to my therapist, she can’t even do a tiktok search about ways to help us. I’m crying my fucjing eyes out perusal this because I know even though I’ve begged her to actively try and do stuff like perusal these vids, she won’t and doesn’t. If I don’t show her this vid she wouldn’t watch it, or anything like it
I don’t know if it’s just the place I am in life and my relationship or the way that you explained this, or both but that was probably one of the best explanations of how to deal with relational conflict that I’ve ever listened to. You build a lifetime of reading books and perusal articles to less than a half hour! So glad my wife shared your articles with me! Keep up the good fight (no pun intended) 😂
Thank you so much for your articles. My husband and I are in a dangerous situation and by that I mean that our relationship is being held by a thread. It has been so hard for both of us but we are still desperately trying to make things work. We have been together for 18 years, our communication is not the best, there is actually very little of it. On top of all of that we have other issues that also affect our relationship a great deal. Him being an autistic person and myself being a trauma surviver and dealing with RDS. It its ultra hard to find that connection. We are both perusal these articles and listening carefully to what you are saying. We are still fighting and hoping to heal our marriage. Thank you.
Thank you for this Jimmy. New subscriber here. This article couldnt have come at a better time for me. I actively put some of these suggestions in action right after listening and not only did it make a positive difference for my partner, it also gave me a renewed feeling that I wanted to try harder to be healthy for her.
Thank you. I am so uncomfortable with his anger even when it’s not at me. We just fought over the phone because I am getting my car worked on (we talked about this) and he doesn’t think they’re doing the work fast enough despite having 2 guys call in sick. It’s not even 11 am. I’m due to pick up the kids at 3 from school. And he snarled at me “You gonna be able to pick up the kids from school?” I’m only 45 minutes away. I feel like eggshells. I had other errands to run today but it’s his day off and he always gets mad when I’m out of the house unless it’s to drive the kids around. I can put the errands off again until tomorrow. But I’m scared to go home when he’s in these moods. He’s not abusive and won’t hurt me or anything. I just am oversensitive to his gruff communication style. I feel like eggshells and I’ll get yelled at for what he doesn’t like about the motor service company today. Just got to put on my emotional kevlar and suck it up, grateful he’ll be back at work and out of the house tomorrow. Find a way to keep the kids out of his hair until dinner and bedtime.
Such valuable information and most guys will miss this and simply try to fix, or in my case dismiss because it was not “rational” to me. We have to a men, treat this relationship as any other (job, working out, or anything we as men have as a hobby that we continually work at) and put in the time to understand and not be on the outside, looking at someone else’s life.
❤IMO you’re much more effective than JG overall. I think I share the values in these articles point for point. I feel not well from some of John’s written work. AND I do want to acknowledge that he’s contributed some super stuff! I don’t promote his books however. I’m willing to wholeheartedly sharing your articles with others. Ty! ❤
Thank you so so much and I appreciate you sharing all the struggles you’ve been through. It means a lot to hear about your experience and knowledge, because me and my partner are in this negative cycle of hurting each other, because we both don’t feel hurt and safe. With every argument we feel more lonely. We are both listening to your article seperarly and are going to talk about it and how we feel and how we gonna implement your advise. And I’m grateful, that your article was longer than planned, I finally felt understood and had tears in my eyes, because you used your voice to explane how we both feel. Thank you for that❤ and thank you for your work❤ Sending you and your family lots of love and can’t wait to hear more of your thoughts!
Hi Jimmy – love your articles, even the “shorts” the role play is helpful, & shed light on difficult issues. I share your information with my 3 (late 20’s) sons who have not seen a healthy relationship. They are not interested in marriage nor an intimate relationships😢 immature partners has far reaching impact Keep up the great work
We appreciate you and this helpful content so much, Jimmy!! We’re going to be okay – working through some immature (and long-standing) patterns in our times of conflict. I’m very grateful for this information that we are BOTH able (and willing!) to receive together! Keep moving forward!! God bless you. ❤️🕊️❤️🕊️
Jim, can you do a reminder article ? A article you can re-upload every once in awhile going over some of the important things to keep in mind in your relationship. I’ve listened to so many of your articles and they are all amazing, great stuff. There’s so much information. Maybe making a top ten reminders article that way we can save and watch every once in awhile when we feel like we are slipping up. ❤❤❤
Thank you Jimmy. That was a very good explanation. I just really wish my wife would actually watch the article with me. One article would do so much more then all of our couples counseling because it’s all trying to lead us to the same place, but we get caught up in those patterns and they just seem to keep playing us against each other by allowing her accusations to be the most important.
I lovr yout articles. I wish my husband would care enough to watch and learn your articles. He get’s so defensive when I‘m bringing coaching content onto the table. I‘m lost. I don’t know how to get to him. He yells, invalidates me to my core, even though I talk in a compassionate tone. He always feels attacked and shuts every talk down, I give him space to cool down and reflect, but nothing. We making slow steps in our coaching sessions. 2 years in. Before every session he‘s like a teenager who’s doesn’t want to go to school. It’s frustrating and it hurts me so much, I feel like I‘m working alone in this. We have to kids and I prioritise the family and kids… every sane person would advise me to leave him… but I just can’t. I guess I‘m traumatised from unhealthy relationships from my mother. I theoretically I can see everything so clear, but I guess I am paralized and stay for the kids. I know. That’s unhealthy to. I don’t know how to unravel all that anf start new. I‘m exhausted
My partner has a tough time talking about her feelings, and criticism evokes trauma response from her. So i got to the point where i just didn’t tell her how i felt. Whenever something went wrong, i apologized and said it was my fault just so it would be resolved and she wouldn’t shy away. I’ve spoke up to her about my feelings a few times, and every time i see the hurt on her face, it makes me shut down/want to shut down, just so i don’t hurt her further. We’re working on things, hopefully together, and for a better future.
I dont have anything left to give i am someone that helps ppl and ive tried and tried and i get nothing but heartache and tears ive tried so many different strategies he is so into himself and his bros i feel like his mother not his spouse and and he doesn’t even want to know me its been 14 years on and off im so stressed all the time walk on egg shells we dont get along at all our boys are showing more and more signs of how i felt growing up and it breaks my heart knowing that this is repeated from childhood
I’m gonna finish this article and hope that it helps me in communication in the future. But I think the key thing you’ve said so far as if both of you are willing. And that was the issue with my relationship was that I knew our issue was communication. We had somehow lost that and in the process of losing our ability. To cuss things with each other, we lost our relationship. And I brought up going to therapy and he wasn’t willing to do it.
Please don’t apologize for lack of brevity!!! I LOVE your long articles-I have taken notes, printed transcripts, made bullet points, etc. When you have something so important to say, something that can help so many people, the people who actually want to learn and try and change will listen to every bit of advice you have to offer!!! 🫶
Thank you Jimmy! It was not too long – you gave real mice examples which helps us to understand “how to communicate with empathy” to hold space and that this is what love and res connection ie intimacy means… 💜🙏🏽 I really found this article so helpful because I have been blaming and critising for past wrongs that need to be properly forgiven. I didn’t realize how to express my hurt and pain without blame.
My husband grew up in the hood when he was a child. His whole life has been him taking care of himself. He got taken from his mom when she wasn’t taking care of him. She beat on him and when she had a boyfriend – she was worse. She moved him to the opposite side of the gang that he was associated with. He never switched up and because of that, he had to fight everyday at school. His cousins, went to the same school and they were on the opposite side of the school that he was in. They were bloods and the school hallways had two for bloods and two for crips or (Nsew) sides of time. He was on the Crip hallways and his cousins were on the blood hallways. He went to foster care and he was kicked out of that home for sneaking food. His mom was able to get him back and by the time she did, he wouldn’t listen to her anymore. He was so defiant that the two of them ended up thugs on the streets together. He has been in prison most of his adult life. He was in juvenile and foster care and neglected and starving when he was a baby. He fell out of a second story window when he was a toddler. He has been brutally beaten by the police and has been controlled and belittled. The cops beat him til he couldn’t talk and put in the patrol car, bleeding from the back of his head … The cop pulled him out of the patrol car, by his feet and his shoulders hit the road and then his head. The hospital then stapled his head without numbing it. He’s been out of prison since Jan of 2021 for a little over two years and we got married February 2022.
Why do I hear attacks & feel vilified when my girlfriend talks about her feelings & how I hurt them? I don’t want to get upset at her because she is so pleasant to discuss relationship things….. 14:20 never mind… you nailed it brother. I was in the middle of typing this & you answered it. Wow. I’d like to sit down with you, feels like you’re talking TO me
My boyfriend is right. I’m the problem. I don’t know how to talk. I go to instant defense mode when he tries to communicate about something. I explain to him and try to defend myself for everything. I never say the magical words of “lets fix this” he is still with me after me being this horrible person. I wanna change my ways for him. I seriously do. I can’t live without him but hurting him like this is hurting me more. I can’t stop crying
I made my girlfriend watch this and she seems really mad about it… “so can we agree to solve conflict in a safe place with no animosity toward each other?” in a grumpy annoyed voice and smug face yea… sure… “what’s wrong, are you upset with me?” No…. I’m just tired and stressed. .. I know we are in a rut in our relationship and I too haven’t been the best in conflicts but at least I tried to find something online to fix it. “Yea… I’ll watch the article.. but it takes more than a tutorial.. it takes inner works.” Like damn…. I know that. Idk.. it made me feel stupid for even trying.
Thank you for this! I also wish I heard it years ago. It’s completely what I’m experiencing except the roles are somewhat reversed with us. Toxic from day one it felt. I’m not even sure this information is enough but it’s huge in understanding. I’ve also listened to Dr. Gottman. Thank you again, and God Bless
Me and my boyfriend of 6 years have been struggling. Constant arguments, but we are not as bad as we were before. Just yesterday we got into a disagreement and he left and didn’t come home until 5 am and I found out he was trying to reconnect with a ex. I know our relationship hasn’t been so great. But I’ve been nothing but loyal and supportive. But I’m to the point where I don’t feel appreciated. I’m a stay at home mom.
How did (do) you reach the conclusion that you want to save your relationship? On what did (do) you base the desire to be each others safe-space like you talk about in 09:02? My boyfriend and I have had so many misunderstandings and have drifted so far away from each other that I don’t even know what makes it worth to fight anymore
I’ve tried to do the less confrontational explaining of my needs in the past. It doesn’t seem to get through to him unless I’m sobbing about how I’ve felt neglected. If I give him space and take into consideration his mental state, when he can talk, I have to bring it up again. Otherwise it never gets addressed. It sucks. And now I engage in conflict resolution in a probably unhealthy way frequently because I don’t feel heard or seen when I communicate in a loving way. It’s only when I express those needs in a dysregulated fashion that he sometimes “wakes up” only to return to old behaviors.
I have severe ptsd from what my partner did to me and ive begged and begged him to do things that could help me get through it but he thinks doing dishes and straightening my hair is helping… its not what i asked from him. I asked him to help me mentally and he says he cant and doesnt want to learn how to do so… i can never get over what hes done to me if he doesnt care, if he doesn’t show that he cares. I have episodes where im reminded of how i came last, how i never was stood up for, how i was always abandoned and left to figure everything out on my own and i snap, i get so angry at him because its been 10 years and he still hasnt tried to make me happy or find out ways to help me get over and move past the pain.ive never felt so hurt in my life, i feel like i waisted so many years trying to get him to treat me right to the point where i feel completely dead inside.